Stuff That Isn't Light (Hang)

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 08:30 AM

I think I will add that line, thanks Crazy.

That close your eyes and die thing...thats just telling you that the person died. And that when your in the dark that's what you feel like when your guilty.

TheBig3 · 01-01-2006, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madeinNY

It's a song about dying in your sleep and going to heaven or hell....I was hoping someone would get that.

How were we supposed to get that?

sleepy jack · 01-01-2006, 05:58 PM

I second that it seemed like it was about nothing, and to be honest i don't think the songs improved at all, maybe a little bit, but thats it. It still seems the same.

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 07:03 PM

Maybe I'm the only one that gets it because I wrote it...but whatever, I'm not giving up.

What else could I do to make it better?

TheBig3 · 01-01-2006, 07:43 PM

Well heres the problem I think you have here (because I always have it). You know what you mean, and you're trying to be subtle. The last thing you want is exposition. Except things will seem to you like you came out and said it, when the rest of us may thing its actually just enough.

If I wrote a song about my 3 year old brother dying in a car accident because a drunk driver hit he and my mother and I wrote the lines:

"A corpse amoungst spinkled glass on blood and asphault at then hands negligence and suds"

Aside from being ****ty (becuase I wrote it just now), its also confusing as hell to the average reader cause they don't know what the **** im talking about it.

In short, be less indirect, but don't go and say "someone died in their sleep"

And no don't give up.

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 08:22 PM

Alright I'll be working on it, thanks much.

madeinNY · 01-01-2006, 08:28 PM

OK, I made revisions..I think it may be worse now though...I also chaged the title.

either/or · 01-02-2006, 06:54 AM

not every song has to be got. i still get that something bad has happened and i feel for it but not every song has to be got. we can still understand that theres been pain and stuff but we dont need to have it spelled out for us all the time, like those books that leave you wondering what happens in the VERY end. or a movie like before sunset, if uve seen it you know what happens at the end. they leave you to wonder at what will happen, not telling you exactly what happened. and it makes it even better.

madeinNY · 01-02-2006, 08:43 AM

That's what I was thinking too, either/or ... I have the original song saved somewhere on my comp so I won't lose it, but I want to see what this one on here turns out like.

So you like the song, e/o?

either/or · 01-02-2006, 03:30 PM

as usual madein your song gets my nod of approval.

01-01-2006, 08:30 AM	#11 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	I think I will add that line, thanks Crazy. That close your eyes and die thing...thats just telling you that the person died. And that when your in the dark that's what you feel like when your guilty. __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-01-2006, 07:03 PM	#14 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	Maybe I'm the only one that gets it because I wrote it...but whatever, I'm not giving up. What else could I do to make it better? __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-01-2006, 07:43 PM	#15 (permalink)
TheBig3 killedmyraindog Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Boston, Massachusetts Posts: 11,172	Well heres the problem I think you have here (because I always have it). You know what you mean, and you're trying to be subtle. The last thing you want is exposition. Except things will seem to you like you came out and said it, when the rest of us may thing its actually just enough. If I wrote a song about my 3 year old brother dying in a car accident because a drunk driver hit he and my mother and I wrote the lines: "A corpse amoungst spinkled glass on blood and asphault at then hands negligence and suds" Aside from being **ty (becuase I wrote it just now), its also confusing as hell to the average reader cause they don't know what the ** im talking about it. In short, be less indirect, but don't go and say "someone died in their sleep" And no don't give up. __________________ I've moved to a new address

01-01-2006, 08:22 PM	#16 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	Alright I'll be working on it, thanks much. __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-01-2006, 08:28 PM	#17 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	OK, I made revisions..I think it may be worse now though...I also chaged the title. __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-02-2006, 06:54 AM	#18 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	not every song has to be got. i still get that something bad has happened and i feel for it but not every song has to be got. we can still understand that theres been pain and stuff but we dont need to have it spelled out for us all the time, like those books that leave you wondering what happens in the VERY end. or a movie like before sunset, if uve seen it you know what happens at the end. they leave you to wonder at what will happen, not telling you exactly what happened. and it makes it even better. __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation

01-02-2006, 08:43 AM	#19 (permalink)
madeinNY [[la de da diddy da]] Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: NY...duh. Posts: 444	That's what I was thinking too, either/or ... I have the original song saved somewhere on my comp so I won't lose it, but I want to see what this one on here turns out like. So you like the song, e/o? __________________ I cleared out my PM box...I promise. lol

01-02-2006, 03:30 PM	#20 (permalink)
either/or Don't think twice Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: A basement on the hill Posts: 352	as usual madein your song gets my nod of approval. __________________ Painstaking devotion and love Surrendered to self preservation From others who care for themselves A blindness that touches perfection But hurts just like anything else Isolation, isolation, isolation