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Old 01-19-2006, 02:24 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Default "The Story of Lindsay" (Drown, Drown)

It's a longer one, but I hope it is worth the read. Tell me what you think.

At fifteen, Lindsay was a beauty queen
Still naive to the evil dormant in man
The future was iridescent for the girl.
Every opportunity on a silver platter.
Soon would she find the devil, here.
Her tender eyes, and delicate frame,
drew the wrong kind of attention and,
Enter the beginning of the end for our dear Lindsay.

At eighteen, Jeremy was a teenage king,
with a lecherous eye and perverse mind.
He is the epitome of indecency, and the
very guy every boy wanted to be, and he-
Had an urge and to quench his thirst, well,
He found our darling Lindsay, with her in mind,
His design of counterfiet romance, secured her trust.

Well Jeremy with fast words and quicker lips,
sealed the end with an iron kiss when he said,
Lindsay, you're the best thing that's happened,
to me and I want to make our love last forever,
and he, took her to his experienced bed, Lindsay
resisted, but he insisted and held her arms behind
her head. Lindsay laid while he went to work, the
lump in her throat began to work and she cried
softly to nobody as Jeremy finished his proof of love.

Wouldn't you know, Jeremy left the next day,
saying that his love had over extended its stay.
Lindsay cried and Lindsay begged, banged her fist,
on his chest, she said, Please don't leave, I need you.
Jeremy turned away, he turned away leaving her on
the ground. But he left her with a present; a week
without her monthly pains, and Lindsay knew that
something was wrong. She bought a test and the rest,
is history for Lindsay and her burgeoning stomach.

At one day old, Johnathon was the most beautiful
baby you have ever seen. He had his mother's face,
and his father's eyes. And his mother merely cried.
Lindsay was disowned by her parents and lived in a
home. The baby would be given away, and Lindsay's
Sixteenth would be spent alone. Life was over for her.
She made her way out of the nursery and ran
to the river where she watched the current go.

With a bag of bricks and some neatly cut rope, she
tied little baby Johnathon to her chest and kissed his tiny
nose one last time and she dropped into the river.
Johnathon struggled and his cries were silent,
And Lindsay looked at him through, and
as though he could hear her through the water,
she sang him a lullabye, she sang him a lullabye.

Drown, drown, drown. Baby, don't cry.
Drown, drown, drown. Baby, don't cry.
Drown, drown, drown. Baby, don't cry. [x2]

And they hit the bottom without a sound.
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Old 01-19-2006, 12:11 PM   #42 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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That's brilliant and you've obviously taken a lot of time to write it. Very powerful, although I think the part where she was thrown out by her parents could have had its own verse. This is a character song, so developing on the characters relationship with her family and the arguments she had when she was thrown out would have made a really good verse.
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Old 01-19-2006, 12:14 PM   #43 (permalink)
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i hate talented people
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Old 01-19-2006, 12:26 PM   #44 (permalink)
that's my war face.
 
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Then you must want to kill this kid.
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Old 01-19-2006, 02:27 PM   #45 (permalink)
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ah hobo, you read my mind. I thought the song was getting rather lengthy so I did not write that verse. Although I have often wondered about exploring that area of the story. What do you think? Would it drag the song, or fit in perfectly?
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Old 01-19-2006, 04:57 PM   #46 (permalink)
you are freakin out, man
 
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ahhh crowe... this is the first of my crits for your songs where i cant half ass my way through... easily my favourite lyrics from you... and rankin up in just about every other lyrical category...

i think you're fine without any more detail as far as Lindsay's relationship with her parents goes. I cant really back this up other than just by saying that it feels complete...

still liking the colab idea
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Old 01-19-2006, 06:14 PM   #47 (permalink)
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I know a kid like Jeremy...and I hate him.

Dude this song actually brought a tear to my eye. Amazing job. And I don't give out compliments like Amazing job very often.
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Old 01-19-2006, 06:17 PM   #48 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by riseagainstrocks
I know a kid like Jeremy...and I hate him.

Dude this song actually brought a tear to my eye.
haha...pussy....
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Old 01-19-2006, 06:17 PM   #49 (permalink)
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God that is so beautiful. Maybe I'm overly sensitive but I'm almost crying. I mean there are tears in my eyes, you're good.
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Old 01-19-2006, 06:34 PM   #50 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adidasss
haha...pussy....
you are what you eat. don't start with me kid.
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