Crowe's Songwriting Collection

right-track · 04-05-2007, 06:05 PM

"I am a man who is whole.
Without the sum of his conscience.
I am a liar.
And you exist as my only truth".

That's easily the most poetic lines I've read of yours so far Crowe.
The rest I liked, but if you could match it with words like those, it would be perfect.
I always enjoy reading your stuff, keep posting them up .
And I hope more people start to give a bit more feedback in this part of the forum.

sleepy jack · 04-05-2007, 08:52 PM

I'll get to this when i'm feeling better, sometime in the next few days possibly, it depends.

sleepy jack · 04-06-2007, 04:56 AM

im not counting THERANCTOUER because he posted a ridiculous amount of songs and doesnt post here anymore, you can nominate him if you want though.

Crowe · 09-05-2007, 01:38 AM

It's been a long time. I missed you guys.

The Flying Boy

I remember him standing
in front of the mirror smiling.
He wore his underwear,
my rain boots, a white t-shirt,
and a sheet that wrapped
around his neck that said his name.
My little brother, yes
my skinny little brother Robby.
Wanted to be a hero,
a superhero, he wanted to save me.

It's funny, the day was beautiful unlike dramatic tragedy.
Wearing his cape and riding next to me.
The wind blowing blond hair into his eyes,
Our bicycles with little playing cards,
Tickling the spokes playfully.
"Brother", he cried to me,
"Watch how fast I can go, watch me fly!"
And so he pedaled faster and faster,
I was watching Robby fly.
Time stopped then and dreams turned to nightmares.
I wanted to save him.

Well his eyes rolled back,
And he tumbled down the street,
Grabbing his chest, he can't feel his feet.
He chokes and sputters and I start screaming,
"Mother, mother, mother!"
His skin turns blue when we get him inside,
His lips are purple and his eyes are white.
Sirens and stretchers come to the scene,
Paramedics running past our tree house,
Running past old toys and wooden swings.
I see a sad man shaking his head,
My mom starts crying and my brother,
Looks sadly at me as his breathing slows...

Laying across him, I feel the last beats of his heart.
He smiles softly and his voice angelic,
Like feathers meeting flowers in beautiful design,
"Brother, please don't cry, didn't you see me fly?"

r. crowe

EDIT: ended up just taking that little did he/we know part out, it kind of gave the piece away and it was dry like some of you mentioned.

sleepy jack · 09-05-2007, 03:30 AM

Beautiful, a classic Crowe my only problem was the mother mother mother line, mother mother would be best. Just twice, it sounds nicer.

The Dave · 09-05-2007, 09:42 AM

^I don't know about that, I wouldn't say that it sounds better either way.

Also, typo: Looks sadly as me as his breathing slows...
I'm guessing you meant to put 'sadly at me.'

But this part to me seems a tad dry:

But little did he know, little did we know,
That it wasn't me,
who was going to need the saving.

I'm not sure what you could change it to, but it just sounds dull compared to the rest of the piece which is really good.

sleepy jack · 09-05-2007, 04:57 PM

If you read it out loud, mother three times drags it on unnecessarily. Twice does the job just fine.

right-track · 09-05-2007, 04:59 PM

I love it.

Then again I love Crowe...

...welcome back man.

Ornette · 09-05-2007, 07:30 PM

Quote:

But little did he know, little did we know,
That it wasn't me,
who was going to need the saving.

This is really cliche and should probably be changed to something slightly less direct.

Otherwise this is great.

Crowe · 09-05-2007, 08:31 PM

It's good to be back, my style hasn't changed much you see.

09-05-2007, 01:38 AM	#344 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	The Flying Boy It's been a long time. I missed you guys. The Flying Boy I remember him standing in front of the mirror smiling. He wore his underwear, my rain boots, a white t-shirt, and a sheet that wrapped around his neck that said his name. My little brother, yes my skinny little brother Robby. Wanted to be a hero, a superhero, he wanted to save me. It's funny, the day was beautiful unlike dramatic tragedy. Wearing his cape and riding next to me. The wind blowing blond hair into his eyes, Our bicycles with little playing cards, Tickling the spokes playfully. "Brother", he cried to me, "Watch how fast I can go, watch me fly!" And so he pedaled faster and faster, I was watching Robby fly. Time stopped then and dreams turned to nightmares. I wanted to save him. Well his eyes rolled back, And he tumbled down the street, Grabbing his chest, he can't feel his feet. He chokes and sputters and I start screaming, "Mother, mother, mother!" His skin turns blue when we get him inside, His lips are purple and his eyes are white. Sirens and stretchers come to the scene, Paramedics running past our tree house, Running past old toys and wooden swings. I see a sad man shaking his head, My mom starts crying and my brother, Looks sadly at me as his breathing slows... Laying across him, I feel the last beats of his heart. He smiles softly and his voice angelic, Like feathers meeting flowers in beautiful design, "Brother, please don't cry, didn't you see me fly?" r. crowe EDIT: ended up just taking that little did he/we know part out, it kind of gave the piece away and it was dry like some of you mentioned. __________________ Last edited by Crowe; 09-05-2007 at 08:28 PM.

09-05-2007, 08:31 PM	#350 (permalink)
Crowe Music Addict Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 699	It's good to be back, my style hasn't changed much you see. __________________

04-05-2007, 06:05 PM	#341 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	"I am a man who is whole. Without the sum of his conscience. I am a liar. And you exist as my only truth". That's easily the most poetic lines I've read of yours so far Crowe. The rest I liked, but if you could match it with words like those, it would be perfect. I always enjoy reading your stuff, keep posting them up . And I hope more people start to give a bit more feedback in this part of the forum.

09-05-2007, 09:42 AM	#346 (permalink)
The Dave Me and The Major Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Kentucky Posts: 1,830	^I don't know about that, I wouldn't say that it sounds better either way. Also, typo: Looks sadly as me as his breathing slows... I'm guessing you meant to put 'sadly at me.' But this part to me seems a tad dry: But little did he know, little did we know, That it wasn't me, who was going to need the saving. I'm not sure what you could change it to, but it just sounds dull compared to the rest of the piece which is really good.

09-05-2007, 04:59 PM	#348 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	I love it. Then again I love Crowe... ...welcome back man.