This poem
 

What do you think of this poems:

Blade

My back is against the wall
All I see is a blade in front of me
As it draws nearer a bit of my life fades away
But who is doing this
Why would they do this?
Where have I wronged this person?

It must be her
She who gave me insult
I could tell the hatred she had with every word
Had to say it was mutual
But I could tell
It wasn’t her

It must be him
He who attacked me
His hatred was shown by his actions
Actions of pain and fury
But I could tell
It wasn’t him

It must be them
They who did both
Outnumbering me and tormenting me
The cowardly acts they did
But I could tell
It wasn’t them

Who? Who can it be?
But I could see the hand
It was he who never wronged me or gave insult
He who used no hatred
I could tell
It was me.

this poem is very...interesting. i could tell it was going to be himself right from when he starting questioning who it was.

This comment is interesting I don't know if it's a complement or an insult :laughing:

its not an insult, i could see now how you got to thinking that though, my bad

no worries buddy. The funny thing about my poems though is everyone who reads them thinks I want to kill myself this one included

to me this poem says that you're having some issues with yourself & you're just figuring it out....its all becoming clear now...or something like that...

What this poem is trying to show is what the usual teen who commits suicide is going through. Words and actions you do to people can be like murder.

I think its way cliche.
Suicide is overdone and the songs can barely ever be done right.
This one isn't done right if your going to write about suicide.
You have to approach it at a unique angle, not the typical knife on skin father abused me girlfriend dumped me crap.

its your poem, but to me...i disagree, what you're trying to give out is not obvious or showing through in the poem. The beinging was good, then it became random, then it was cut short in the ending. The point you're trying to make is hidden.

i agree with Alexisonfire

Suicide is overdone in songs. This isn't a song though. But on your point of viewing it on a different angle why? These are very valid reasons for suicide this shows bullying causing it. I have felt this before so makes it easy for me to make. What other reasons would I put for it live a happy life and have good friends Iwant to die. That would make it seem unreal.

thanks for the comment though :thumb:

Ok its a poem, and diffirent angle because its annoying seeing the same overdone suicide song, i know its a common reason for people to kill themselves but its better done from a diffirent angle, take billy talent's nothing to lose it doesn't go about slitting your wrists and stabbing yourself, and good charlotte made the abusive father thing laughable.

it doesn't show. That's new.

The first stanza is the character facing death he is confused and can't tell why this is happening (which most people feel before they kill themself)

the 2nd, 3rd and 4th stanza is showing the reasons for suicide. The person has been through a lot of torment and feels as though they are to blame.

the last stanza is the ironic truth he is killing himself. He did nothing wrong only recieved wrongs from others so kills himself in the end.

you have your own thoughts when making your own poem, but you have to think for the people who are going to read it. express it more

the way you're writing it doesnt express what your trying to say.

so are you saying I should have thought of a more creative way for the guy to die. I was trying to show the usual teen going through this and this is how it usualy happens

Woh were did you get that from?

Then just don't the usual teen thing is overdone and lame.
How about the kids is mentally unstable and thinks he can fly?
Something thats unique not the typical crap, but if your going to make bland poetry then fine by me.
Just say so.

read what i put again, i edited it.


your poem sounds like a emo-poser. Work on the ending.

this thing is said a lot in songs I haven't seen it used in poems as much.

But a lot of poems people write they have gone through the experience I have went through this though not that. You may say that might be bland but then a lot of poems may be bland in the same sense

Oh crap my poem has know been caught with a teen trend because of its theme.

Not the theme, the way you wrote it as i said their are alot of songs/poems on suicide that aren't cliche.

that didnt make any ****ing sense

I just don't like the fact that you are emo and everything is emo if you write about death.

Like I said before I don't believe that is a good thing to say about peoples work as in the end everything will be cliche. What happens when everything is written about.

Okay, sorry i thought when you posted this song you wanted to to be criticized guess i was wrong.

Who are you talking to? & everything is not emo if you write about death.


everything could be written about, but theres always different ways to put it.

It's not a song.


I know this is for criticizing but the fact that because I am aiming at what USUALLY happens it is being called a bad poem.

its bad cause its not written in the right way.

what exactly would be the right way

cut off the last stanza or just rewrite it. its going against what you're trying to say. its saying it was your fault, not theirs, which by what you told me, is not what you're trying to put out.

thats untrue. take a course in writing