Submitted for constructive critism (quote, song, Bell)

bluntman · 12-23-2005, 03:08 AM

SHAPES AND BLURRED VISIONS

We wander the earth
constantly assuring ourselves
of who we think we are
not knowing how we got here
but that's just the story so far...

I look into the mirror
staring at the face before me
not knowing these unfamiliar features
seeing shapes and blurred visions
reminiscing of the past
and a feeling for the future...

Sometimes I forget where I am
what the hell are we doing!?
where are we going?
why are we so superficial?
I feel like screaming!
may the farce be with you
because I don't want it...

We consume all we see
some of us just fall from grace
we look into the crowds of all the people
seeing shapes and blurred visions...

We forget who we are
and where we came from
but that's just the story so far...

bluntman · 12-23-2005, 03:28 AM

Verse 1
I sit alone now as I speak
a lonley thought lingers
a frightened little boy
sits alone in the dark
cold from the shadow of light

Verse 2
A bell rings
and alone here he sits
in this room
full of people
one man speaks
no-one listens
but here he sits
this frightened little boy
alone in the dark
cold from the shadow of light...

Verse 3
He does not speak
but he feels his lonliness
heavy on his shoulders
he continues to back himself
into a corner
hoping for someone
to notice him
but still he sits
this firghtened little boy
alone in the dark cold
from the shadow of light

Bridge
The ridicule runs
through his head
thinking of all that's been said
he trys to ignore
but it's already stored

Verse 4
I sit alone now as I speak
one thought lingers
a fightened little boy
that's sits alone in the dark
cold from the shadow of light
is frightened no more...

bluntman · 12-23-2005, 03:39 AM

When was it said?
when was it cast in stone?
that we should fight
about petty infantile bull****
what is the need?
what is the point?
why should we destroy?
when we can create...

Why do we make enemies?
when we could be making alais
why start wars?
when peace can give us so much more

If you have faith
you can move mountains
you can part the Red Sea
if you have faith!

How do we keep on going the way we do?
when will we stop talkin' about peace?
and put something into action
where did the trust go?
and why did it go?

We live our lives
in our closed off little worlds
just to keep ourselves going...

If you have faith
you can move mountains
you can part the Red Sea
if you have faith!

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe · 12-23-2005, 03:41 AM

i think the first one is ok. it could be made a little more poetic in some places, but then i havent heard it put to music yet so it might be perfect for whatever music its meant for. it also could be a little longer. depending on your style of songwriting, it could use some sort of chorus, but thats just my style....so i dont know.

the second one i dont like so much, it doesnt seem to progress as well.

bluntman · 12-23-2005, 03:45 AM

thx i'll take it on board my friend

BigFatPaulieI · 01-21-2006, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluntman

thx i'll take it on board my friend, with my children, as I molest the neighbors

JEEZZ!!!! WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!!!!

PerFeCTioNThrUSileNCe · 01-22-2006, 01:19 AM

HAHAHA....i already like this guy.

Crazy Luv · 01-22-2006, 06:27 AM

The first one i like, just think you should fix this:

Quote:

Sometimes I forget where I am
what the hell are we doing!?
where are we going?
why are we so superficial?
I feel like screaming!
may the farce be with you
because I don't want it...

the second one i like too

i like the third one too...but...

Quote:

If you have faith
you can move mountains
you can part the Red Sea
if you have faith!

that part is a bunch of bull****
But im guessing they're just metaphors

12-23-2005, 03:08 AM	#1 (permalink)
bluntman Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 6	Submitted for constructive critism *SHAPES AND BLURRED VISIONS* We wander the earth constantly assuring ourselves of who we think we are not knowing how we got here but that's just the story so far... I look into the mirror staring at the face before me not knowing these unfamiliar features seeing shapes and blurred visions reminiscing of the past and a feeling for the future... Sometimes I forget where I am what the hell are we doing!? where are we going? why are we so superficial? I feel like screaming! may the farce be with you because I don't want it... We consume all we see some of us just fall from grace we look into the crowds of all the people seeing shapes and blurred visions... We forget who we are and where we came from but that's just the story so far...

12-23-2005, 03:28 AM	#2 (permalink)
bluntman Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 6	Alone in the dark Verse 1 I sit alone now as I speak a lonley thought lingers a frightened little boy sits alone in the dark cold from the shadow of light Verse 2 A bell rings and alone here he sits in this room full of people one man speaks no-one listens but here he sits this frightened little boy alone in the dark cold from the shadow of light... Verse 3 He does not speak but he feels his lonliness heavy on his shoulders he continues to back himself into a corner hoping for someone to notice him but still he sits this firghtened little boy alone in the dark cold from the shadow of light Bridge The ridicule runs through his head thinking of all that's been said he trys to ignore but it's already stored Verse 4 I sit alone now as I speak one thought lingers a fightened little boy that's sits alone in the dark cold from the shadow of light is frightened no more...

12-23-2005, 03:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
bluntman Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 6	Immortal Questions When was it said? when was it cast in stone? that we should fight about petty infantile bull**** what is the need? what is the point? why should we destroy? when we can create... Why do we make enemies? when we could be making alais why start wars? when peace can give us so much more If you have faith you can move mountains you can part the Red Sea if you have faith! How do we keep on going the way we do? when will we stop talkin' about peace? and put something into action where did the trust go? and why did it go? We live our lives in our closed off little worlds just to keep ourselves going... If you have faith you can move mountains you can part the Red Sea if you have faith!

12-23-2005, 03:45 AM	#5 (permalink)
bluntman Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 6	thx i'll take it on board my friend