Hey what do you think? (songs)

Leady · 12-12-2005, 09:53 AM

Ive been working on this song for a couple of days now and this is (except for a few notes) he first song ive written. Feel free to make any comments at all and i wont be offended. This is about a girl at my school that i liked for a while but she threw it back in my face. Enjoy!

I watched her without her noticing me,
I really like her, Why cant she see?,
The most nervous person i ever saw,
When i leave, I wanna watch some more.

She has no idea and does her work,
The only time she smiles, is when her mate makes a smirk
Ill call her over for a chance to chat,
But with her it dont work like that,

Shell just sit there, her head in a book,
Finally, i approach her and she gives me a look,
"Problem?" she says in a sarcastic way,
"Nothing" i reply and i carry on with the day,

She was the girl that i thought was great,
As it hinted, there was a stupid fate,
Couldnt care less now, dont like her anymore,
Cuz it was different, different before.

There we have it thanks for looking!

TrampInaTux · 12-12-2005, 04:44 PM

If you want to become a song writer then NEVER USE THAT SONG. I don't like to be nasty and I have posted bad things about people who post unhelpful comments about other peoples songs in the past, but honestly that is a REALLY BAD SONG. If you want to know what is wrong with it then I will tell you-everything. Some lines are longer than others, it is all over the place, the words are abysmal. You must divide the arts of song writing and story telling, because at the moment you seem to be doing both. Song writing is supposed to take you to a different place-and while this does take me to a different place, it is a place I would rather not be.... have another try, right all those wrongs then post it. In the meantime let's all forget that this song was ever wrote.

12-12-2005, 05:54 PM

i think theres excessive rhyme, its not descriptive enough, and phrases like "it dont work" and "makes a smirk" dont really fit and need editing... also the whole unrequited love thing is kind of old...

Leady · 12-13-2005, 11:00 AM

Thanks guys and ill try better... to be honest im just a noob and i need help with songwriting

sweetness · 12-13-2005, 01:52 PM

I think with a little help and A FIEW ADJUSTMENTS IT COULD SOUND GOOD

half_baked87 · 12-13-2005, 01:56 PM

Give Me a G...E...N..E..R..I..C! What Does That Speeellll????

12-12-2005, 09:53 AM	#1 (permalink)
Leady Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Staffordshire Posts: 14	Hey what do you think? Ive been working on this song for a couple of days now and this is (except for a few notes) he first song ive written. Feel free to make any comments at all and i wont be offended. This is about a girl at my school that i liked for a while but she threw it back in my face. Enjoy! I watched her without her noticing me, I really like her, Why cant she see?, The most nervous person i ever saw, When i leave, I wanna watch some more. She has no idea and does her work, The only time she smiles, is when her mate makes a smirk Ill call her over for a chance to chat, But with her it dont work like that, Shell just sit there, her head in a book, Finally, i approach her and she gives me a look, "Problem?" she says in a sarcastic way, "Nothing" i reply and i carry on with the day, She was the girl that i thought was great, As it hinted, there was a stupid fate, Couldnt care less now, dont like her anymore, Cuz it was different, different before. There we have it thanks for looking!

12-12-2005, 04:44 PM	#2 (permalink)
TrampInaTux that's my war face. Join Date: Nov 2005 Posts: 1,418	If you want to become a song writer then NEVER USE THAT SONG. I don't like to be nasty and I have posted bad things about people who post unhelpful comments about other peoples songs in the past, but honestly that is a REALLY BAD SONG. If you want to know what is wrong with it then I will tell you-everything. Some lines are longer than others, it is all over the place, the words are abysmal. You must divide the arts of song writing and story telling, because at the moment you seem to be doing both. Song writing is supposed to take you to a different place-and while this does take me to a different place, it is a place I would rather not be.... have another try, right all those wrongs then post it. In the meantime let's all forget that this song was ever wrote.

12-12-2005, 05:54 PM	#3 (permalink)
pastor of muppets Guest Posts: n/a	i think theres excessive rhyme, its not descriptive enough, and phrases like "it dont work" and "makes a smirk" dont really fit and need editing... also the whole unrequited love thing is kind of old...

12-13-2005, 11:00 AM	#4 (permalink)
Leady Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Staffordshire Posts: 14	Thanks guys and ill try better... to be honest im just a noob and i need help with songwriting

12-13-2005, 01:52 PM	#5 (permalink)
sweetness Groupie Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 4	I think with a little help and A FIEW ADJUSTMENTS IT COULD SOUND GOOD

12-13-2005, 01:56 PM	#6 (permalink)
half_baked87 sammichestime Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Canada Posts: 380	Give Me a G...E...N..E..R..I..C! What Does That Speeellll????