RealXenWarrior

In the darkness, the undending darkness I proclaim
that this vanity is driving me insane.
In vein i scream with all my heart.
And in my agony.
That I cannot see me making it through today.

Somewhere inside my brain my thoughts they war with her.
In all the swinging of the blades I am made to concur...
With all the infamy that holds me up in shameless fame...
it's crystal clear that you're the only one to blame.

You're dreaming all this beautiful...
As I'm slowly drifting away.
these Butterfly kisses have lead me to fall.
In my reverence and in my dismay.


What do you think?

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A_Perfect_Sonnet

I think you've listened to way too much Atreyu, and they've infected your brain. This lacked depth and emotion. Rather than writing about how much you hate someone, take a step back, and do it from a more objective level. What you have now is angsty mush, and it's not doing you any favors. The rhyming seems forced, more so in the second stanza than anywhere else, and I cannot stress enough how much more important it is to get your ideas down, rather than worry about rhyme. Overall, the theme of this song is what's killing it. The idea is so overdone, and your use of the appropriate scene buzzwords just put more nails in this song's coffin. Rework it, but try a different approach.

RealXenWarrior

i get it bro... more just to reaffirm any fears i may have about still being affected by my ex more than trying to write something with any depth.

this was a purely comfort thing.
i hate it.
thank you for posting though... definitely seeing it makes me feels better about at least coming to terms with the fact that i wrote it for the sole purpose of not having to think about my unconditionaly hatred for her.

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