My First Try At Being Clever!
 

This song isn't finished yet-I didn't have time to finish it. But could you tell me if it is worth carrying on with?


Save the words til last/
I hate to think/
This wine washes down so nicely/
like your blood did down the sink

sounds are unwary/
silence is bliss/
Your acid tongue would spit venom/
I don't think you will be missed/

scene.
bro... being clever is being innovative... i can't ever stress that enough...
make sure all your words are perfect... and make sure your point is clear... because you're running a thousand different directions with this.

Yea, good word use but it jumps around to much. I'm pretty sure its about an X girlfrind or boyfriend, but its hard to tell. Last line needs to be changed. Its pretty lame...................

how are sounds unwary?

you're using phrases that make no sense. at all.

Better try again.

good idea

this is only the first draft of this song so there should be no jumping around of lyrics in the final version seen as all my lyrics will eventually have a place to go. as for the ex girlfriend thing well I thought it was pretty obvious that this is pure and simply a good ol fashioned murder song. I had a post in another of my threads that said that my lyrics were a bit too straight forward. I try to make them like that though-look at Nirvana, their lyrics were pretty straight forward and they had some of the best lyrics ever.

yeah i picked the murder thing, mainly because of the blood down this sink. I'm not to sure how you can misinterpret it to be about an X-girlfriend

My god that **** is....Well.....Lame...Thats all i can say..sounds like you're some messed up kid who was just dumped

Im not going to comment on the song, but clever is usually niche and a passing humor, it dates a song, be clever all you want but it better have backup.

That reminds me off fall out boy a bit.
To be honest..that's not a good thing.

lmao i aint messed up-dont actually think im a murderer or anything! in my lyrics i basically put myself into someone elses shoes-my songs hardly ever draw from past experiences or anything like that. which many say is a bad thing, but i havent had anything bad in my life really to draw from.

oh and by the way i forgot i know im posting as hobojesus but this is my other account.