Alpha Male Romeo - Bravo Juliet, Bravo! Critique this song to death, I dare you!! (title, memories)

DontRunMeOver · 11-01-2005, 07:27 AM

'Alpha male...' is not really the title of the song. There are a lot of phrases within this one which could be used as a title (maybe 'Aching Sigh' or 'You gripped the air in your hand'), haven't settled upon one yet.

BE ABSOLUTELY BRUTAL. DO IT! MAKE ME SUFFER!! Smash my song to pieces!! Tell me what you don't like about it if you can. That's if its not perfect already... (is this a being bit too manipulative?)

Really, I'm asking you to not be nice. Read it in a bad mood if you can and try to find as much fault with it as you can, which lines are boring, which are cliched, which are meaningless, which don't fit, which don't sound good? Pretend that I'm somebody you hate and that you want to make me cry by picking apart my precious work, going into detail about why you hate it.

----

This is our final song
These are our final words
This is the final time we meet

Who could have known
These dying thoughts
Would bring such sweet relief

This is our final breath
This is our final breath
This is our final breath
This is our final breath

So many years life left me cold
Until that fateful day
When you gave me your hand to hold
And I stole your heart away
Your father, he was set against
Your uncles and brothers took offence
But they were all left powerless
Our path already laid

This world has tried to part us
This world has tried to part us
I would prefer to die in darkness
Than carry on living without you

Social barriers caged us in
We could see no route out
Our so-called friends they tried to plant
The seeds of hate and doubt
In life we were just outcasts
Yet in love we could rejoice
We must leave this world together
There can be no other choice

This world has tried to part us
This world has tried to part us
I would prefer to die in darkness
Than carry on living without you

This is our final breath
Before we share the cold caress
Has murido
There is nothing left here to hold on to
This is our final, aching sigh
Before we share our last goodbye
The memories hurt
But I will not try to forget you

Desperation leads me as I stumble to the tomb
You lifeless figure lying in the centre of the room
This form which I have dwelt upon so long
Which I have known so well
Has now become a hollow cask
Has become an empty shell

You grip the air in your hand
Your cold lips shape ‘farewell’
My eyes rest on the stone cold floor
My heart collapsed where once it swelled
Warm burns my cheek, confusion flushed
Cold to the touch, this bitter vial
Forever gone, my naïve lust
Put end to these youthful trials

This world has tried to part us
This world has tried to part us
I would prefer to die in darkness
Than carry on living without you

This is our final breath
Before we share the cold caress
Has murido
There is nothing left here to hold on to
This is our final, aching sigh
Before we share our last goodbye
The memories hurt
But I will not try to forget you

11-01-2005, 07:27 AM	#1 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	Alpha Male Romeo - Bravo Juliet, Bravo! Critique this song to death, I dare you!! 'Alpha male...' is not really the title of the song. There are a lot of phrases within this one which could be used as a title (maybe 'Aching Sigh' or 'You gripped the air in your hand'), haven't settled upon one yet. BE ABSOLUTELY BRUTAL. DO IT! MAKE ME SUFFER!! Smash my song to pieces!! Tell me what you don't like about it if you can. That's if its not perfect already... (is this a being bit too manipulative?) Really, I'm asking you to not be nice. Read it in a bad mood if you can and try to find as much fault with it as you can, which lines are boring, which are cliched, which are meaningless, which don't fit, which don't sound good? Pretend that I'm somebody you hate and that you want to make me cry by picking apart my precious work, going into detail about why you hate it. ---- This is our final song These are our final words This is the final time we meet Who could have known These dying thoughts Would bring such sweet relief This is our final breath This is our final breath This is our final breath This is our final breath So many years life left me cold Until that fateful day When you gave me your hand to hold And I stole your heart away Your father, he was set against Your uncles and brothers took offence But they were all left powerless Our path already laid This world has tried to part us This world has tried to part us I would prefer to die in darkness Than carry on living without you Social barriers caged us in We could see no route out Our so-called friends they tried to plant The seeds of hate and doubt In life we were just outcasts Yet in love we could rejoice We must leave this world together There can be no other choice This world has tried to part us This world has tried to part us I would prefer to die in darkness Than carry on living without you This is our final breath Before we share the cold caress Has murido There is nothing left here to hold on to This is our final, aching sigh Before we share our last goodbye The memories hurt But I will not try to forget you Desperation leads me as I stumble to the tomb You lifeless figure lying in the centre of the room This form which I have dwelt upon so long Which I have known so well Has now become a hollow cask Has become an empty shell You grip the air in your hand Your cold lips shape ‘farewell’ My eyes rest on the stone cold floor My heart collapsed where once it swelled Warm burns my cheek, confusion flushed Cold to the touch, this bitter vial Forever gone, my naïve lust Put end to these youthful trials This world has tried to part us This world has tried to part us I would prefer to die in darkness Than carry on living without you This is our final breath Before we share the cold caress Has murido There is nothing left here to hold on to This is our final, aching sigh Before we share our last goodbye The memories hurt But I will not try to forget you