A Lesson Learnt (Or is it Learned? Learned is an adjective?) (track, quote)

DontRunMeOver · 10-31-2005, 12:41 PM

As somebody said once before, please be brutal. In particular I'd like you to tell me which lines are boring and should be replaced.
---

He left you burned
A cinder girl
A lesson learnt
A scar across your wrist

He made you doubt
Humanity
So unforgiving
Deaf to all your pleas

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry

Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be stolen from your side
Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be the one to say goodbye

My stapled tongue
My mouth absurd
You fill this mind with poetry
But leave me lost for words

(I scat here and its works!)

So I’ll pour my thoughts out
Onto post-it notes
And leave them on your mirror each day
To let you see what I wrote

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry

Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be stolen from your side
Your tears have fallen for the last time
I won’t be the one to say goodbye

(random singing bits)
The last time
You say goodbye
The last time
I won't be the one to say goodbye

right-track · 10-31-2005, 02:56 PM

O.k. It's learned.

Also, I'd prefer if the 3 liners, had a fourth. (just for balance, mind!).

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Look deep inside my mind. (perhaps? Or repeat the second line, or a variation of it.)

Or... you can tell me to fuck off!

riseagainstrocks · 10-31-2005, 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRunMeOver

As somebody said once before, please be brutal. In particular I'd like you to tell me which lines are boring and should be replaced.
---

A scar across your wrist

no. do not ever write about cutting. don't care if you do it or know someone who does. scar = beyond cliche

DontRunMeOver · 11-01-2005, 05:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by right-track

O.k. It's learned.

Also, I'd prefer if the 3 liners, had a fourth. (just for balance, mind!).

Just look me in the eye
Although a part of you has died
You can look me in the eye
Look deep inside my mind. (perhaps? Or repeat the second line, or a variation of it.)

Or... you can tell me to fuck off!

I won't be saying that to you, as you've just been more helpful than you probably realise! That was the line I was having most trouble with and you've just given me a new idea for how I can add something that fits there. Great help!

Keep the criticisms coming.

10-31-2005, 12:41 PM	#1 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	A Lesson Learnt (Or is it Learned? Learned is an adjective?) As somebody said once before, please be brutal. In particular I'd like you to tell me which lines are boring and should be replaced. --- He left you burned A cinder girl A lesson learnt A scar across your wrist He made you doubt Humanity So unforgiving Deaf to all your pleas Just look me in the eye Although a part of you has died You can look me in the eye Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry Your tears have fallen for the last time I won’t be stolen from your side Your tears have fallen for the last time I won’t be the one to say goodbye My stapled tongue My mouth absurd You fill this mind with poetry But leave me lost for words (I scat here and its works!) So I’ll pour my thoughts out Onto post-it notes And leave them on your mirror each day To let you see what I wrote Just look me in the eye Although a part of you has died You can look me in the eye Hold my gaze, those cheeks will dry Your tears have fallen for the last time I won’t be stolen from your side Your tears have fallen for the last time I won’t be the one to say goodbye (random singing bits) The last time You say goodbye The last time I won't be the one to say goodbye

10-31-2005, 02:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
right-track Atchin' Akai Join Date: May 2005 Location: Unamerica Posts: 8,723	O.k. It's learned. Also, I'd prefer if the 3 liners, had a fourth. (just for balance, mind!). Just look me in the eye Although a part of you has died You can look me in the eye Look deep inside my mind. (perhaps? Or repeat the second line, or a variation of it.) Or... you can tell me to fuck off!