Fenixpunk

a cheezy acoustic song i wrote for my wife a few years ago, just recently found it going through one of my old lyric books:

She says wait just beyond the sunset;
Ive gotta leave here for awhile;
Ill meet you deep within the coral,
and gladly greet you with a smile.

'Till then take time to tell the story;
and all will dream once you begin;
of a happiness easily forgotten;
and ill be there with you to write the end.

The words in the wind and the songs in the waves,
and the clouds in the sky are all pointing the way
and soon we can share our silence once again.
From the shadows that lonliness can cast
on the objects that fly by way to fast,
like a trust that forms and grows between two friends,
and we can share our silence once again.

In time the fog will thicken, as the tide comes rolling in
I realize I was mistaken, and how foolish all along I have been.
Because the coral reef lies empty, and theres not much time to spend;
Then on a beam of light she tells me, shes there to help me write the end.

The words in the wind and the songs in the waves,
and the clouds in the sky are all pointing the way
and soon we can share our silence once again.
From the shadows that lonliness can cast
on the objects that fly by way to fast,
like a trust that forms and grows between two friends,
soon we can share our silence once again.

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DontRunMeOver

I like it, particularly because you can tell this one is actually A LYRIC and not some poem that somebody has tried to excuse by saying 'oh, I'll put music to it. Look at it written on a page and its ok - read it aloud and its much better. Good work.

Criticism? Well we've got to include some, so I'd say that the "on the objects which fly by way too fast" line needs to be changed as to me as saying 'the objects' seems pretty meaningless and 'way too fast' is just a clumsy phrase. That's the only line which really sticks out as a weak one.

Fenixpunk

i see your point, that line is pretty vague. "From the shadows that lonliness can cast on the objects that fly by way to fast" i guess what i was going for was something simple, yet something that someone can make their own relations to it by not having it be too specific.

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DontRunMeOver

I don't even mean the whole line, the "From the shadows that loneliness can cast" phrase is good. Its just the next part that strikes me as weak.