MontmE

I'm new & just lookin for some criticism... constructive preferably, but all comments are welcome... i wont take anything personally so don't hold back.

i just put thoughts and emotions down randomly, so most everything is incomplete... i try not to force anything...
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the lights grow brighter
and the colors much sharper/
a warm breeze runs in
and the world sees her...

letting go and
falling down slowly/
feeling the changes
in this beautiful story/

the stars are falling
faster and faster/
so long and goodbye
happily ever after/
-------
part I
the roses are dead, lost out at sea/
the violets so few, chopped down by greed/
at once i loved you, at once you loved me/
the song in our heart, skips every beat/
part II
tired, the performers, have taken a seat/
the crowd grows restless, with a stage empty/
i'm afraid to inform, there is no last scene/
a puzzle so close, but missing a piece/
-------
may I walk in those shoes
smile as you do
stand on a pedastal
take in the view

all that fresh air
the bright sunshine
no wonder reality
left you behind
-------
i wait for
surprises under the christmas tree/
rain delays
and answer sheets/

i wait for
one more wish by shooting stars/
angel wings
and flying cars/

chorus-
i'm starting to choke
floating in space/
the stars are smiling
as i leave this place/

TheBig3

After that last newby post, Ill never comment on a peice from someone who shows up and offers nothing back.

I hope fellow members refuse to post for people below 200 posts.

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I've moved to a new address

DontRunMeOver

Why not? Offering a poem/lyric for criticism is one form of an offering. Admittedly I'm not going to reply to this yet, maybe not ever, but what kind of principle is what you said based on?

(Tone of voice doesn't convey here, so if you're wondering, I'm saying this in a more inquisitive confused tone, not an aggressive one.)

Ma Cherie

hey i don't have that many and i post when i can; they might be a newbie(very )so give them a try.
i do my best to post when i can; but i'm always at school.

those lyrics are quite good you should find a decent measure to go by.

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I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash.

http://www.myspace.com/yukiko_mori