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Dead Or Alive?
This is more of a poem, but it has song potential.
Can you figure out what it's about? If you can I'll give you a lollypop! Alive My heart is yearning, ripping apart with such fury that it explodes into a shower of blood red roses. It colours the wind with its ink of pure pink; a heaven kissed feeling that cannot be mistaken. A sword soars deadly into its base, all protection lost, like a black sky it ponders and waits. The piercing screams of pain devour your ears; they get inside your veins and steal away your soul. The pounding has stopped dead, the eerie silence is that stranger in the shadows, waiting, waiting... Suddenly like a lightening crash, a deep choking, light blowing you away from every angle. You feel your clothes being ripped off as tornado of delight throws you to your knees in defiance. Looking up a crystal blue sea flows towards you, gently as golden angels lure it from there midst. It flows through you, taking away your body and replacing it will pleasure, removing your eyes and sparkling in beauty. Your heart is glorious in this mystical aura, it springs magic from your fingers, everything you touch, everytime you breathe. White wings fly you, they soar you into an endless scene, you live, you die, you are ALIVE. |
It`s about feeling pleased with yourself after laying a huge turd isn`t it?
I claim my lollypop |
Hehe, close, but no cigar!
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and you say my metaphors are off the wall.
good imagery though. couldn't really figure out what was going on however.... |
It makes me think of someone dying in the Middle Ages and then going to heaven. ^.^
For constructive criticism, sometimes saying "you" isn't a very good idea because you aren't sure the reader could connect with the poem, thefore it makes it have less emotion. If you took out you and just made everything a present tense, it would sound amazing. I'm not being mean though. Swear. It was really good. I like your descriptions. |
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Ginny: Thanks love, I'll take that on board. I actually wrote this a year ago. I have no idea what my writing's like now. <---lazy. It is about living, then dying then going to heaven, or for non-believers, "a special place". Nothing real out there. |
Do you do really well in English at school?
Tis very artistic. |
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Well I read this and thought it was about something entirely different.
'explodes' 'pure pink' 'sword soars deadly into its base' 'all protection lost' (you should never forget protection. 'feel your clothes being ripped off' 'taking away your body and replacing it with pleasure' As Rolf would say - can ya guess what it is yet? |
Taking away your body and replacing it with pleasure?
So this assumes that ones body is not pleasurable to begin with? And I wouldn't take so casually to having my eyes removed! Its a great poem though, really liked it. |
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