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09-29-2005, 12:14 PM
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#1 (permalink) |
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The Forums Sadistic Ghost
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: beyond midnight, in the abyss of time, the syren in the night
Posts: 457
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Love is Dead
Love is Dead
The love is dead it has died and gone never forget that nothing is wrong count the petals One By One love off and love on this is all you can depend on Crush the dream, embrace the cold In the end thats all you hold tear apart thr flower, oh so bold and hear the screams the tales they told the fallen petals bleed and die and all you do is let out a sigh Ignore their cry, suffering and sad all of this means that nothing is bad the flowers lie their petals betryed lying pleading their case abrupt do not listen their tales corrupt talks of love and fairy tales lies of lust their words portrail the love is dead it has died and gone never forget that nothing is wrong rip up the plant and bleed it dry now is the time to love or die
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I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash. http://www.myspace.com/yukiko_mori 
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09-29-2005, 12:40 PM
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#2 (permalink) | |
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They call me Tundra Boy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
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I thought this was mostly great. The imagery of destroying the flower was really good. Keep it up, change a few lines and you'll be onto a winner. I've just quoted the lines which struck me as a bit flat here, which are the ones I would change, were I in a position to. In the bit where it goes "love off, love on. This is all you can depend on." you could maybe put the "love off..." line where the next line comes and change "This is all..." to something else, when I read this aloud the meter didn't really sound right for what you had originally. Keep going though - its by reworking and rethinking songs that you get them to sound great, apparently
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09-29-2005, 12:47 PM
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#4 (permalink) |
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They call me Tundra Boy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In your linen cupboard.
Posts: 1,166
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If you want to critique/slate some of my lyrics then you can find them at the end of the 'Arty Ambiguity or Specific Storytelling' thread in the Songwriting Section. Any comments, of any kind, will be appreciated although detailed ones are preferable. I don't know how to put links to other threads at the moment, when I've figured this out I'll start forcing people to comment...
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09-29-2005, 01:03 PM
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#5 (permalink) |
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The Forums Sadistic Ghost
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: beyond midnight, in the abyss of time, the syren in the night
Posts: 457
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thank you me and my squeak wrote them i had to rewrite them in a metter and add more lyrics to it
__________________
I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash. http://www.myspace.com/yukiko_mori
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10-05-2005, 01:21 PM
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#8 (permalink) |
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The Forums Sadistic Ghost
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: beyond midnight, in the abyss of time, the syren in the night
Posts: 457
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sqeak is my musing friend
and thank you it took along time to write and revise
__________________
I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash. http://www.myspace.com/yukiko_mori
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10-19-2005, 09:40 AM
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#9 (permalink) | |
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The Forums Sadistic Ghost
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: beyond midnight, in the abyss of time, the syren in the night
Posts: 457
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Quote:
thank you they like my pride and joy
__________________
I'm not a freak on a leash, I'm just the freak holding the leash. http://www.myspace.com/yukiko_mori
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