The Metal Month III Progress Thread

The Batlord · 10-12-2015, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

That's nowhere near too much. I'd do that easily in a month, and this time I'm going to take the whole year to write Metal Month IV. I like that idea a lot. I'm gonna run with that for next year.

Then you could add British doom to the list...

1. Cathedral - Forest of Equilibrium
2. My Dying Bride - Turn Loose the Swans
3. Solstice - New Dark Age
4. Paradise Lost - Gothic
5. Anathema - The Silent Enigma

Quote:

You want to be involved, or just leave me to flounder? I was thinking (if the former) it could be a Master/Grasshopper thing, with both our comments on each album. Or maybe not. Great idea though.

Maybe. Gimme a good pitch.

Trollheart · 10-13-2015, 04:20 AM

Deep within the borders of the Dark, Unknown and Just-Bloody-Stay-Out- Alright-I've-Asked-You-Nicely-Twice-Next-Time-I-Set-The-Dogs-On-You Zone broods a terrible fortress, feared by men. And within that mighty castle, deep within its depths sits the Mighty Batlord, Sovereign of all things Metal, surveying the world with contempt as He puffs on a specially imported cigarette that cost more than you earn in a month. Unless you earn more in a month than His cigarette costs, in which case, you're probably overpaid. Though it probably does. Cost more than you earn, I mean. Where was I? Oh yes.

Into this dark and forbidding citadel crawls a supplicant. He approaches the imposing black and chrome (copyright Google Since Always and Forever) throne, shaking and not daring to look up at The Batlord's magnificence. All is quiet, save for the occasional mighty fart and the satisfied sigh of The Batlord. At length, He notices the thing twitching and bowing and vainly trying to catch His mighty gaze. He sighs, stubs out His cigarette on an ashtray made from the whole skull of a poser, and booms
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR DISTURBING ME HERE IN MY FORTRESS OF BEING ALONE-NESS (The Batlord is indeed mighty, but even mightier is DC Comics, and the Batlord does not wish them to sue His mighty ass).

He has to strain to hear, but eventually He makes out a tiny, squeaky voice, too far out of the range of His mighty hearing for Him to understand. Sighing again, He leans down so that His mighty shadow falls upon the supplicant and listens closer. Now He can make out the words, and these are they: “Oh Mighty Metal Overlord, Knower of All Things Metal, Ruler of the Dark and Smoke-Filled Silences, Holding of the Seven Sacred Riffs, True Metalhead Extreme and King of Bitchin' Thrash...”
The Mighty One grins. AT YOUR SERVICE, He booms, His mighty voice almost knocking the supplicant over. The penitent recovers himself and goes on, his voice quaking, a mouse before a tiger. No, a snake before an eagle. No, an owl befoer a ... oh you get the idea. Something really small and insignificant before something really big and mighty and powerful and fat. No, no! I didnt say fat. Who said fat? Not me. No way nohow. On my father's grave. My father's alive you say? Not for long,if I have my way. Anyway, the Mighty One doth grow bored so I had better Get The **** On With It before He loseth interest.

“Oh Mighty One” quoth the supplicant, “The world hath lost its way. Out there, beyond the borders of your kingdom, the people doth bend their ears to the most awful of music, and ignore the true and only art form, Heavy Metal. Thou wilt understand that...”
WHY DO YOU SPEAK THAT WAY? The Batlord interrupts, staring at the tiny thing. The object of His question shrugs, as best he can.
“It maketh the story more interesting”, he explains. The Batlord snorts.
WELL STOP IT. THIS IS THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, NOT THE SEVENTEENTH. SPEAK PROPERLY.
Gulping, the supplicant continues, abashed. The two ogres that abashed him run off, laughing, as he struggles to his feet. “The fact is, O Mighty Overlord of Thrash, that people are turning from metal and becoming ... becoming ...” Here his courage fails him and he trails off, glancing up nervously at the huge figure towering over him.
BECOMING WHAT? roars the Batlord.
“Um, posers, Your Mighty Metalness.”
There is absolute silence for one moment, stretched into eternity. It's like that moment you step off the cliff and realise you're about to fall to your death. Or that moment before she says “Yes”. Or indeed, the moment before you press play on the new Slayer album, and hope, and hope.
POSERS????!!!!!!!!!!!
The word echoes though the cavernous throne room, shaking it to its foundations. The supplicant looks up in fear as masonry falls from the roof, narrowly missing the little creature. After a time, The Batlord resumes His seat. I hadn't mentioned He had stood? Oh. He had stood in anger when the hated Word was spoken. Hell, I can't remember everything. Use your imagination. Anyway, He resumed His seat, as I said. Some time went by while He considered. Another mighty fart shook the room. As the foul miasma descended upon him, the supplicant tried not to gag, realising himself blessed indeed. Not many smelled the Batlord's glorious farts. At least, none who survived to tell the tale. At length, His Metalness spoke again.
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.
“Indeed, Lord,” agreed the supplicant. “And it is for this very reason I have made the perilous journey and come here. I have devised a plan to win back the straying masses, and return them to Your fold.”
SPEAK ON, spoke the Batlord, intrigued and amused. But mostly intrigued. Or amused. Or both.
“I have been running an annual special feature in my journal called Metal Month”, the supplicant informed Him.
YES, nodded the Batlord, and there seemed almost tenderness in His mighty visage. I HAVE SEEN THIS. YOU HAVE DONE WELL, FOR A PUNY MORTAL. MUCH OF WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN IS LAME, MUCH MORE IS ULTRA-LAME, BUT YOU HAVE HAD THE ODD GOOD IDEA. I AM, ON THE WHOLE, PLEASED.
“A thousand thank yous, Your Metal Overlordship", fawned the supplicant, pleased. "Ah, but My Lord”, spake he on, “I have a plan.”
And he explained it to His Mightiness. The Batlord did listen, and scratcheth He His mighty balls, and Picketh He His mighty nose, and didst examine the contents of His finger most critically from every angle, before flicking it at the supplicant. The Batlord considered the idea. He knew He was indeed Mighty. He could shake mountains with His anger. He could flatten villages with His mighty feet. He knew everything there is to know about Metal, past or future, and it was said that He could father upon any hot chick who pleased him a future metal legend. Who said this? He did, and He knew what He was talking about. It had procured for Him more tail so far than most men get in their entire lives. He was indeed Mighty.

But He was troubled. If the world was losing faith in Metal, this situation must be addressed. And so He leaned back, considering. It was a lot of work, and He did not like work. And yet, the supplicant below was willing to do most of it, and He doth only need append His mighty Name to the work, and it would be seen as His. How could He lose? Yet, He must consider.

I MUST CONSIDER, He told the supplicant. RETURN TO THIS PLACE IN THREE DAYS TIME AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY DECISION. NOW GO! LEAVE ME! TIS TIME FOR GENERAL HOSPITAL!
“Yes, O Lord of the Brutal Riff, Who Is Not At All A Wimp For Liking Ke$ha!” responded the supplicant, trembling. “Thank you for considering my request.”
BFORE YOU GO. The Batlord leaned down curiously to study the supplicant, who quaked at the proximity of so mighty a being. WHAT DO MEN CALL YOU?
Mustering all his courage not to stammer, the supplicant replied “Trollheart, My Lord.”
The Batlord grinned, waving the supplicant away.
GAY NAME.

The Batlord · 10-13-2015, 04:49 AM

Trollheart · 10-13-2015, 05:03 AM

How's that for a ****in' pitch?

The Batlord · 10-13-2015, 05:31 AM

I stand by Ryan Reynolds' comment. What the **** are you even on about, you crazy Irishman?

Trollheart · 10-13-2015, 06:28 AM

You asked me to pitch the idea. The world needs metal. You are the Batlord. I assumed you would appreciate the humour, to say nothing of the stroking of your gigantic ego. You in or out?

The Batlord · 10-13-2015, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

You asked me to pitch the idea. The world needs metal. You are the Batlord. I assumed you would appreciate the humour, to say nothing of the stroking of your gigantic ego. You in or out?

I still have no idea what your idea is. Your "pitch" was basically just a reiteration of you asking me if I would be interested in helping in some unexplained capacity.

Trollheart · 10-13-2015, 02:38 PM

It's all about the presentation, don'tcha ever watch The Apprentice?

Well obviously I haven't figured it out man; you only suggested it yesterday. But something along the lines of I do a review of an album, then you give your more informed opinion, probably sneering at my lack of knowledge. Or we could do it like US and Ant do their Toto journal. I don't know. Still thinking about it. But all I wanted to know was, in principle, would you be in? It would run over the year, researchwise, so I don't know if that's too big a commitment for you to make. Or I could run my edits past you to see if there's anything needed to be added, changed or scrapped.

The Batlord · 10-13-2015, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trollheart

It's all about the presentation, don'tcha ever watch The Apprentice?

Well obviously I haven't figured it out man; you only suggested it yesterday. But something along the lines of I do a review of an album, then you give your more informed opinion, probably sneering at my lack of knowledge. Or we could do it like US and Ant do their Toto journal. I don't know. Still thinking about it. But all I wanted to know was, in principle, would you be in? It would run over the year, researchwise, so I don't know if that's too big a commitment for you to make. Or I could run my edits past you to see if there's anything needed to be added, changed or scrapped.

I'd be in. Skype wouldn't be a bad way to go. Though it might be kind of hard to find things to say about 15 or 20 or whatever death metal albums without getting redundant.

Trollheart · 10-14-2015, 11:21 AM

I might have been a bit overconfident there. I only looked at the bands, forgot we'd need 2/3 albums from each probably. Still, it could certainly be done in three months max, maybe less. I was thinking of calling it "Scene and Heard"?

10-13-2015, 04:20 AM	#42 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,992	Deep within the borders of the Dark, Unknown and Just-Bloody-Stay-Out- Alright-I've-Asked-You-Nicely-Twice-Next-Time-I-Set-The-Dogs-On-You Zone broods a terrible fortress, feared by men. And within that mighty castle, deep within its depths sits the Mighty Batlord, Sovereign of all things Metal, surveying the world with contempt as He puffs on a specially imported cigarette that cost more than you earn in a month. Unless you earn more in a month than His cigarette costs, in which case, you're probably overpaid. Though it probably does. Cost more than you earn, I mean. Where was I? Oh yes. Into this dark and forbidding citadel crawls a supplicant. He approaches the imposing black and chrome (copyright Google Since Always and Forever) throne, shaking and not daring to look up at The Batlord's magnificence. All is quiet, save for the occasional mighty fart and the satisfied sigh of The Batlord. At length, He notices the thing twitching and bowing and vainly trying to catch His mighty gaze. He sighs, stubs out His cigarette on an ashtray made from the whole skull of a poser, and booms WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR DISTURBING ME HERE IN MY FORTRESS OF BEING ALONE-NESS (The Batlord is indeed mighty, but even mightier is DC Comics, and the Batlord does not wish them to sue His mighty ass). He has to strain to hear, but eventually He makes out a tiny, squeaky voice, too far out of the range of His mighty hearing for Him to understand. Sighing again, He leans down so that His mighty shadow falls upon the supplicant and listens closer. Now He can make out the words, and these are they: “Oh Mighty Metal Overlord, Knower of All Things Metal, Ruler of the Dark and Smoke-Filled Silences, Holding of the Seven Sacred Riffs, True Metalhead Extreme and King of Bitchin' Thrash...” The Mighty One grins. AT YOUR SERVICE, He booms, His mighty voice almost knocking the supplicant over. The penitent recovers himself and goes on, his voice quaking, a mouse before a tiger. No, a snake before an eagle. No, an owl befoer a ... oh you get the idea. Something really small and insignificant before something really big and mighty and powerful and fat. No, no! I didnt say fat. Who said fat? Not me. No way nohow. On my father's grave. My father's alive you say? Not for long,if I have my way. Anyway, the Mighty One doth grow bored so I had better Get The ** On With It before He loseth interest. “Oh Mighty One” quoth the supplicant, “The world hath lost its way. Out there, beyond the borders of your kingdom, the people doth bend their ears to the most awful of music, and ignore the true and only art form, Heavy Metal. Thou wilt understand that...” WHY DO YOU SPEAK THAT WAY? The Batlord interrupts, staring at the tiny thing. The object of His question shrugs, as best he can. “It maketh the story more interesting”, he explains. The Batlord snorts. WELL STOP IT. THIS IS THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, NOT THE SEVENTEENTH. SPEAK PROPERLY. Gulping, the supplicant continues, abashed. The two ogres that abashed him run off, laughing, as he struggles to his feet. “The fact is, O Mighty Overlord of Thrash, that people are turning from metal and becoming ... becoming ...” Here his courage fails him and he trails off, glancing up nervously at the huge figure towering over him. BECOMING WHAT? roars the Batlord. “Um, posers, Your Mighty Metalness.” There is absolute silence for one moment, stretched into eternity. It's like that moment you step off the cliff and realise you're about to fall to your death. Or that moment before she says “Yes”. Or indeed, the moment before you press play on the new Slayer album, and hope, and hope. POSERS????!!!!!!!!!!!** The word echoes though the cavernous throne room, shaking it to its foundations. The supplicant looks up in fear as masonry falls from the roof, narrowly missing the little creature. After a time, The Batlord resumes His seat. I hadn't mentioned He had stood? Oh. He had stood in anger when the hated Word was spoken. Hell, I can't remember everything. Use your imagination. Anyway, He resumed His seat, as I said. Some time went by while He considered. Another mighty fart shook the room. As the foul miasma descended upon him, the supplicant tried not to gag, realising himself blessed indeed. Not many smelled the Batlord's glorious farts. At least, none who survived to tell the tale. At length, His Metalness spoke again. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. “Indeed, Lord,” agreed the supplicant. “And it is for this very reason I have made the perilous journey and come here. I have devised a plan to win back the straying masses, and return them to Your fold.” SPEAK ON, spoke the Batlord, intrigued and amused. But mostly intrigued. Or amused. Or both. “I have been running an annual special feature in my journal called Metal Month”, the supplicant informed Him. YES, nodded the Batlord, and there seemed almost tenderness in His mighty visage. I HAVE SEEN THIS. YOU HAVE DONE WELL, FOR A PUNY MORTAL. MUCH OF WHAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN IS LAME, MUCH MORE IS ULTRA-LAME, BUT YOU HAVE HAD THE ODD GOOD IDEA. I AM, ON THE WHOLE, PLEASED. “A thousand thank yous, Your Metal Overlordship", fawned the supplicant, pleased. "Ah, but My Lord”, spake he on, “I have a plan.” And he explained it to His Mightiness. The Batlord did listen, and scratcheth He His mighty balls, and Picketh He His mighty nose, and didst examine the contents of His finger most critically from every angle, before flicking it at the supplicant. The Batlord considered the idea. He knew He was indeed Mighty. He could shake mountains with His anger. He could flatten villages with His mighty feet. He knew everything there is to know about Metal, past or future, and it was said that He could father upon any hot chick who pleased him a future metal legend. Who said this? He did, and He knew what He was talking about. It had procured for Him more tail so far than most men get in their entire lives. He was indeed Mighty. But He was troubled. If the world was losing faith in Metal, this situation must be addressed. And so He leaned back, considering. It was a lot of work, and He did not like work. And yet, the supplicant below was willing to do most of it, and He doth only need append His mighty Name to the work, and it would be seen as His. How could He lose? Yet, He must consider. I MUST CONSIDER, He told the supplicant. RETURN TO THIS PLACE IN THREE DAYS TIME AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY DECISION. NOW GO! LEAVE ME! TIS TIME FOR GENERAL HOSPITAL! “Yes, O Lord of the Brutal Riff, Who Is Not At All A Wimp For Liking Ke$ha!” responded the supplicant, trembling. “Thank you for considering my request.” BFORE YOU GO. The Batlord leaned down curiously to study the supplicant, who quaked at the proximity of so mighty a being. WHAT DO MEN CALL YOU? Mustering all his courage not to stammer, the supplicant replied “Trollheart, My Lord.” The Batlord grinned, waving the supplicant away. GAY NAME. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

10-13-2015, 05:03 AM	#44 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,992	How's that for a ***in' pitch? __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018*

10-13-2015, 06:28 AM	#46 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,992	You asked me to pitch the idea. The world needs metal. You are the Batlord. I assumed you would appreciate the humour, to say nothing of the stroking of your gigantic ego. You in or out? __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

10-13-2015, 02:38 PM	#48 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,992	It's all about the presentation, don'tcha ever watch The Apprentice? Well obviously I haven't figured it out man; you only suggested it yesterday. But something along the lines of I do a review of an album, then you give your more informed opinion, probably sneering at my lack of knowledge. Or we could do it like US and Ant do their Toto journal. I don't know. Still thinking about it. But all I wanted to know was, in principle, would you be in? It would run over the year, researchwise, so I don't know if that's too big a commitment for you to make. Or I could run my edits past you to see if there's anything needed to be added, changed or scrapped. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

10-14-2015, 11:21 AM	#50 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,992	I might have been a bit overconfident there. I only looked at the bands, forgot we'd need 2/3 albums from each probably. Still, it could certainly be done in three months max, maybe less. I was thinking of calling it "Scene and Heard"? __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018