Zer0

I like the way The Last Slaughter ends with the sound of someone taking a shit and flushing the toilet afterwards.

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The Batlord

I think Sarco***o has gotten more feedback than any other band I've posted. Makes me happy.

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The Batlord

Tank: Filth Hounds of Hades - 1982

The NWOBHM is sort of a gold mine for goofy metal. It was the movement that really set heavy metal as its own genre rather than just another word for hard rock, and a lot of the things that earlier metal bands had seemed to downplay or not quite embrace fully, like the heads down, full-on metal assault of a band like Iron Maiden or Raven, or the lyrics of a band like Venom became the coin of the realm. And since it was so new nobody was really bound by good taste. Love it.

Tank don't have the lyrical excesses of Venom, but they certainly do the full-on metal assault to the hilt. They come off as pretty much Motorhead's cute little brothers. Not that they don't kick immense amounts of ass, cause they do, they're just not quite as ugly and have more of a fun, party atmosphere going on, but with a song like "Blood, Guts, and Beer" that's to be expected. I'd also say that, again, though they're not as earth-destroyingly filthy as Motorhead (it's all ****ing relative) they have the edge just in sheer infectiously catchy riffs. Listening to Tank is like listening to the sound of an empty shot glass being slammed onto the bar on karaoke night when the only song on the half-broken machine is "Highway to Hell". Or maybe the thump of that old bitch from downstairs' broom on her ceiling that you can't even hear cause "Highway to Hell" is blaring so loudly from your neighbor hater speakers while your wasted friends jump off the fire escape to evade the police who've showed up because of all the noise complaints.

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Unknown Soldier

A couple of MB gems.

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Megadeth: Killing Is My Business...And Business Is Good - 1985

Perhaps yet another odd choice, but hear me out. Even the most feral of Megadeth fanboys have to admit that the lyrics to "Rattlehead", "The Chosen Ones", "Mechanix", and that cover of "These Boots Are Made for Walking" more than flirt with low-rent, and while Megadeth might have classed up with later efforts on this album they were uglier and scuzzier than some other bands on this thread I could name. And if you're still not convinced then you can **** off. This is my ****ing thread and I'll do as I like.

Other Megadeth albums might have been more accomplished, but this album will always have a place in my heart since A.) it was the first Megadeth album I ever owned and one of the first metal albums to boot, and B.) it's one of the angriest albums ever made. It's like a hissing viper that's just been kicked out of it's band by its best friends and replaced by some guy with a mustache. I kind of think of this as the true spiritual successor to Kill 'Em All. After Davey Dave left Metallica dropped a lot of the "Metal for metal's sake" thing they had going on ("Whiplash", "Metal Militia", Metal Up Yous Ass, etc), and a lot of the more pure hardcore influences for a more serious, epic style. This is perfectly shown by how they rewrote "Mechanix", a punk metal song if ever there was one, into "Four Horsemen", which I see as a move toward the darker, more progressive sound that Ride the Lightning and subsequent albums explored. But Killing Is My Business shows all the bug-eyed metal worship that they left behind.

I guess what isn't necessarily so scuzzy is the playing on this album. Holy **** that **** is fast. Grindcore might be faster, but those cats are generally playing much simpler stuff. I'm not a very good judge of technical prowess, but when I hear that rhythm guitar in "Rattlehead", those perfect riffs flying past at light speed, my jaw is dropped. Perhaps he's just holding his hand steady and playing chords that are right next to each other, but even so that's still insane. I might take the piss with Dave Mustaine but that guy's rhythm guitar playing puts most lead guitarists to shame. And I'd just like to point out that there's sort of a loose rule in metal that making something more technical can often come at the expense of intensity, but Megadeth are one of those bands that **** on this rule. The more precise they are, the more intense they get. Brilliant ****ing band.

But technically proficient or not, Megadeth are still a filthy sounding band to me, especially on this album. Rather than sounding like robot music like a lot of tech death or Yngwie Malmsteen they manage to sound rock'n'roll as ****, which has always made me think of them as miles away from most thrash bands, cause most of these bands sound anything but rock'n'roll. The impression they give me is if AC/DC got so ****ed up on meth that they couldn't walk straight and then tried to play, but everything came out all wrong cause they couldn't stop their hands from skittering along their guitars like spiders on ice, and Bon Scott's bleeding out of his mouth cause he's literally lacerated his vocal chords from screaming so loudly. Considering Megadeth's reputation, and Dave Mustaine in particular, this may not be so far from the truth.

And I've got to mention that anger again too. "Last Rites/Loved to Death" is one of the most blistering openers I've ever heard. Even the piano at the beginning sounds pissed off. And then it explodes into sizzling riffs that, without even listening to the lyrics, express a level of rage that borders on the psychotic. But when Dave's vocals kick in it all makes sense. The lyrics to the song are actually a thinly veiled metaphor for his, at the time, recent history with Metallica. He's pretty much saying that since he can't be in the band he wants to murder them. Musically murder them mind you, but still, that kind of vitriol can only have a desire for legitimate violence behind it. I get the feeling that anyone listening to Dave talk around that period must have had an internal monologue going on that went something like, "Dude, yeah, I know. **** Metallica. But can we just play cards now?"

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The Batlord

Destructor: Maximum Destruction - 1985

You know I generally refrain from posting bands in here just cause they make me laugh, but I'm going to make an exception, cause I love this band no matter whether they suck or not. I'm about a minute into this album and I know absolutely nothing about them. I'm actually not even listening to it right now. I wanted to pause it and get this out so that I could then give the album my undivided attention.

I've been listening to metal for half my life now, and I've become rather jaded about how goofy it can be. I can look at a picture of Joey DeMaio and still feel no shame about listening to Manowar. The cover of Destruction's first album doesn't even faze me. Bullet belts? Sounds good. Leather cod piece? Makes sense. Mean muggin' it in your magazine pic? Alright that's still stupid but I'm used to it.

But there's just something about this album that made me snort in amusement when I saw it. Just look at it (notice that I've made it bigger than usual just for this purpose). Honestly, I don't even know where to start. I mean on its face it's no worse than some other covers, and I'm sure Venom has a promo photo somewhere that's even worse. But it's the little details that make it oh so much better. If you look at other covers with bands on them, the bands generally have the relative good sense to try looking hard with their mouths closed. Not these geniuses. They manage to turn "Look how metal we are!" into "Look how wasted we are!" Especially the guy on the middle/right. That guy's a winner. Glorious.

Don't be fooled by the clothes though, as they really are no worse than some of their peers---just look at that Destruction album---but the leather and spikes hide some real gems. Like, what the **** is that guy on the left holding? Is that a giant, skull, Pez dispenser? Like, really? And what about the guy next to him? Is that a tiny-skull-on-a-stick? Wait, I think the stick is a sword... OK. Oh, and look back at the first guy. His guitar says "Poison" on it. This was about a year before Poison debuted, but still, it's unfortunate.

But my favorite is the dude on the far right. Look at him. Look. At. Him. As far as I know this is the only recorded instance of a mullet being on the cover of an album. This is ****ing history, dude. And why is he holding a hammer? I can only assume that he works at the scrap yard where they're taking the photo and needs to be back from break in the next five minutes.

And I'm not even gonna waste more than a sentence on the name "Destructor" or that a band named "Destructor" released an album called "Maximum Destruction". Cause in all fairness I've heard worse. Alright so it's time to press play and hope they rule enough to justify all of this.

Oh and did I mention the album opens with an intro called "Prelude in Sledge Minor, Opus 7, 1st Movement"? And that it features an unconvincing demon that goes "DESTRUCTOR!!!" in a voice fit for a short bus? Which then fades out to be replaced by the singer screeching in such a way that the entirety of metal itself has just been parodied? Oh man, I'm still not doing it justice. If this album isn't everything it's promising me I'm gonna be pissed. But enough of my rambling...


... Alright I'm pretty sure that was the worst thing I've ever heard. Sounds like Exciter heard an early Slayer album, broke a bottle over their own heads, and then decided to use the concussion to record an album. Uh... what to say, what to say... I think the vocalist might actually have no sense of rhythm. So yeah... no rhythm. That was a thing... You know there are actually a few fun riffs on here, but in general not so much, and even when they're good the band never threatens to turn them into an actual good song... I think the first song was built on a riff they ripped off from somebody but for the life of me I can't think who. Probably Slayer. It usually is. Yet somehow it's so terrible that it has a weird sort of charm that's made me replay it. I think it may have been the last song that did it. It's called "Bondage" and it ended with the singer going "BONDAGE!!!" over and over again, followed by the sounds of a whip and some chick moaning. How could I do anything else?

And the lyrics. The lyrics. Pure poetry.



How could I not love these dudes? Seriously? What the **** is a "megadeath hunk of blackened steel" anyway? Who cares. It ****ing rules.


Alright unfortunately nobody has actually uploaded anything but two versions of the entire album and the song "Maximum Destruction". This is a tragedy. There are things you should hear.

Edit: Oh and before I forget, aside from the aforementioned "Prelude in Sledge Minor, Opus 7, 1st Movement" there are two more instrumentals on this album, "Instrumetal" and "Hot Wet Leather". Just thought that was worth mentioning.

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The Batlord

Love this band. They're as original as a Power Girl cosplayer at Comic-Con, but then who really cares? Cause boobs/riffs. There are a thousand bands that sound similar to them that you can find today, and I'm sure a million more that are now forgotten, but Embalmed somehow manage to stand out to me. There are two main reasons why. A) they're just so filthy sounding, especially with the demo quality of the recording (though a compilation from 2011 that collects all of this album has better sounding, though still filthy-as-**** versions). Plenty of death metal bands combine death metal with grindcore, but many of these bands are also highly technical (Suffocation, Cryptopsy, Nile, etc). Not saying Embalmed are bad musicians, but they play a much simpler form of death metal/grindcore fusion that is much closer to early early Carcass or Terrorizer, just with a lot more mid-paced moments. Whether this was a conscious decision, or they just weren't good enough to play "Slit Your Guts" I don't know, but either way, this simplicity makes them more intense than the majority of their second-tier death metal peers. The demo quality of the recording also adds a lot to the filthiness of this record.

The second thing I love about them is the sheer brutality of their riffs. I think a lot of bands had a sort of reaction against groove metal that made them shy away from extended sections of simple, mid-paced riffing. Embalmed not only don't give a ****, but they have some truly badass riffs that just force the head to bang of its own accord. Maybe, a tad bit of doom-riffing at times, too. Not enough to qualify as death/doom or anything, but it adds a nice contrast to the blast 'n' grind sections at least.

These guys won't change the way you listen to death metal or anything, but if you're in the mood for this kind of thing, then Embalmed will kick your ass more than most.

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Plankton

You should check out Monstrosity.

Very scuzzy, extremely low-rent. If you get past the first song, you'll get the true essence of it all when the vocals begin.

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The Batlord

How the **** have I not done a Tankard entry in this thread? They're like... low rent². They are lowest common denominator thrash, with no originality, retarded lyrics, and have been releasing the same exact album for almost thirty years (sixteen identical releases and counting, and that's not including EPs). But it's impossible to hate Tankard. Plenty of people have low opinions of bands that everybody else loves, and there are more groups than you can shake a stick at that everyone agrees are garbage, whose only accomplishment is bringing their genre to new lows, but Tankard are just so much fun that even people who don't like thrash, or even metal in general, still can't help but smile at the above cover (I speak from experience), or the meatheaded glory of a song called "Space Beer".

They're like that guy at a party who gets way too drunk every single time, but everybody loves him, because he doesn't break things, is always a friendly drunk, and has the uncanny ability to transform even the most low key get together into an event to be remembered for years to come.

For the ignorant, Tankard sing about beer. Sometimes they sing about zombies, sex, aliens, and even the odd serious song, but they are almost entirely associated with songs about getting ****ed up. It's their thing, and God willing, it always will be.

I could have picked just about any of their albums to feature, as, again, they're all pretty much the same, and with only a couple not-so-notable exceptions, all feature similar lyrical idiocy. I've chosen Beast of Bourbon for two reasons that actually kind of go against the spirit of this thread: the production is fantastic and makes every song hit like a baseball bat to the temple, and their songwriting has improved -- relatively speaking -- to an extent that, though their sound is completely intact, they have produced an album that is strong pretty much from beginning to end (which is a pretty impressive feat for a band like Tankard).

Regardless of the possible stink of quality, however, this album just ****ing rips. It's the kind of Nuclear Assault-meets-Slayer worship that bands have been copying for years, but Tankard have perfected the formula on this album. Dear god does it kick ass. I'm halfway through my second playthrough in a row, and I'm not remotely tired of it yet. The two things that really set these dudes apart from their ****ty peers, are A.) the fact that they actually remember to crush your skull in while they're having fun, and B.) manage to channel an infectious energy that makes boredom simply impossible. High-energy riffs that absolutely kill, even if they're more than a little on the generic side, propelled into overdrive by intense, perfectly produced drums that could make the jackhammer obsolete. I'd love to see this band live, as I imagine it's just one long party, where it's actually acceptable to bring your beer into the mosh pit (AHEM! to all you people who do this at shows).

Tankard are from Germany (because of course they are), along with the Big Three of Teutonic thrash: Kreator, Sodom, and Destruction, but they've always been the red-headed step child of those groups due to their joke band status. Real talk though, I would rather listen to Beast of Bourbon than probably any release by any of those other bands (with the possible exception of Destruction's The Anti-Christ). It's just that fun and badass.

I don't know if it's appropriate to call these guys Metal Gods in the same league as Lemmy, Rob Halford, or Cliff Burton, but they've still managed to carve out their own glorious niche that is worthy of some kind of ironic respect.




And I just can't sign off without posting the "classic" promo video to "Space Beer" from their 1990 album, The Meaning of Life.

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