Trollheart

With the thirty-fifth anniversary of the show coming up (as I write) I thought it might be kind of time to do a retrospective look back at it. However, as per the first sentence, don’t expect any reviews. If you haven’t seen it, either hand in your human visa and go back to your home planet or remedy this most unacceptable situation right now by watching all seven seasons. By a week Monday at the latest. Although I do love the show (I mean, who wouldn’t? It was the first time we got more Star Trek after the original) I’m the first to admit it got off to a shaky start. Some of the episodes in seasons one and two are frankly laughable, with many of the first season ones being nothing more than rewrites of old classic Trek stories - “The Naked Now”, “When the Bough Breaks”, “The Last Outpost” etc - and some truly awful acting, costumes and ideas that did not pan out.

I’ll be, as we say here in Ireland, ripping the piss out of the early episodes as much as I can: laughing at the writing, cringing at the acting, and no doubt enumerating the various uniforms and hairstyles of Deanna Troi. After a while, of course, the series settled down, and while there was still occasionally the odd thing to laugh at (Picard playing piano in “Lessons”, anyone?) or just roll your eyes at (the ending, such as it was, of “Where Silence Has Lease”?) it’s not really fair to poke fun, as it really did find its feet and now deservedly holds its place among the very best of science fiction TV drama, and is highly revered in the ever-growing Star Trek franchise.

So when I run out of things to slag off, I’ll be taking it a bit more seriously, but still no reviews. I’ll be pointing out interesting events, people, battles, character development and so on in episodes, and maybe referring back to earlier ones to see how well they’ve come on. And having enormous fun at the same time, as hopefully you will too.

Note: I’m not going to list the cast, as if you don’t know by now who plays who you can fuck off. I’m also not listing guest stars, because the hell with that. Anyone reading this more than likely has all seen these episodes already, probably more times than any of us care to or can remember, so I won’t be explaining stuff, just poking fun at it where I can.

I’ll be doing the episodes in order, obviously, and trying if possible to do one a week, but we’ll see how it goes. Oh and please, by all means feel free to jump in, disagree, have a fist fight with me, agree, challenge me to a duel to the death... you know the sort of thing.

Well, only one man to get us on our way and growl “Engage!” right?



What? No! Not him!



You tell him, Captain! Now, orders?

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Episode title: “Encounter at Farpoint”
Season: 1
Importance: Pilot episode; double
Crisis point(s) if any: The Enterprise’s encounter with the Q, who puts mankind on trial for being a savage race (no contest, your honour!); the race to uncover the mystery of Farpoint Station, to say nothing of the need to make a good impression on the ratings!
Original Transmission Date: September 28 1987
Writer(s): D.C. Fontana, Gene Roddenberry
Director: Corey Allen
Stardate:* 41153.7
Destination: Farpoint Station, Deneb IV
Official Mission (if any): Find out how Farpoint Station was built, and rob the tech for Starfleet I mean make a deal with the engineers so Starfleet can replicate it. And prepare some extremely large fish tanks, the kind that make the ones Kirk used in The Voyage Home look like matchboxes.
Unofficial Mission (if any): Prove humanity is not still a savage race (or convince Q of it anyway); kidnap Groper sorry Groppler Zorn (alien beats them to it)
Character(s) in main plot: Picard, Riker, Q
Main character(s) in Subplot (if any): Picard, Data, Troi
Villain/Monster (if any): Not really; Q could be characterised as such I guess, as could the greedy Grabber sorry Grappler I mean Groppler Zorn, but there’s kind of no real enemy to fight here.
Alien(s): Q, Groppler Zorn, Jellyfish aliens, Ferengi (mentioned)
Deaths: 1 (see Bodycount below)
Lives saved (episode): 1 (Zorn; surely the alien would have killed him?)
Lives saved (cumulative): 1
Locations:
Shipboard:
Picard’s Ready Room
Bridge
Holodeck
Transporter Room
Sickbay


Space:
Alien vessel

Other
Zorn’s office, Bandi CIty, Deneb IV
Farpoint Station
Mock-up of 21st century courtroom ++

Ships/vessels: 1 (Q’s probey thing is considered a vessel of some sort)
Space battles: 0 (They just run away from the Q thing, big babies)
Bodycount

Historical
0

Incidental
1 (Soldier in the courtroom scene set up by Q)
Note: It’s possible, even likely that people are killed when the creature’s mate starts zapping the city, but no figures are mentioned and I don’t see any actual casualties, so I can’t add them. This is probably going to happen quite a lot; you can’t keep track of every piddling death.

Direct
0

Total: 1
Running total: 1

Lives saved2 :alien who was trapped as the Farpoint Station/ Zorn, whom the other alien would surely have killed.

Make it so: 1
Engage! 1
Combat factor: 0
Planets visited: Deneb IV
Planets referred to: Earth
Mysteries: The construction of Farpoint Station; the secret behind the alien ship later bombarding the city
Patients in sickbay: 1 (Geordi)
Holodeck simulation(s): Basic forest
Data v humanity: n/a
Character scores:
Picard 30
Riker 30
Troi 15
Bev 10
Geordi 15
Data 15
Worf 10
Wesley 10
O’Brien 10
Yar 25
Q 55

Earl Grey: 0 (I think he has a cup of it when he talks to Riker, but it’s not identified as such)
Shuttlecraft: 1 (mentioned, as Data shuttles McCoy on board)
Admirals: 1 (McCoy)
Starbases: 0
First contact: 1 (Jellyfish aliens)
Humour: 0 (later every Q episode will guarantee laughs a-plenty, but no, here he’s as serious and dour as a Supreme Court judge dealing with an advocate of Roe v Wade).
Episode score: 250
Episode rating: A++

* either the stardate mentioned at the start (Captain’s Log etc) or the first time one is mentioned, if none is noted at the beginning. No other stardates mentioned will be used once there has been one already noted.


Okay, just before we get going, I need to get this off my chest. Whose bright idea was it to make Picard French, and why? Was this a form of lipservice to some disgruntled French viewer who wrote in complaining? Well, if not then what the hell were they doing? Patrick Stewart is an Englishman, speaks cultured Shakespearan English, and is supposed to be French? His so-called French heritage rarely if ever impinges on a storyline (other than the godawful “Family”, which was the comedown from “Best of Both Worlds Part 2,” itself a comedown from the first part, and is best forgotten about, except on those nights when you wake in a cold sweat screaming “He has a brother!”) and he seldom references it, so why? Surely, if for reasons best known to themselves, they wanted a French captain, they could have hired, oh, I don’t know, a French actor? But no. They get an English guy. Who, to be fair, was pretty much unknown at the time, so they can’t even use the excuse he was a star and they needed him to pull in the punters.

It’s always annoyed me. Never since, in the field of human Star Trek, has a European, never mind a Frenchman or woman, captained a starship, or at least been the main character. DS9? American. Black,yes, but still American. Voyager: god knows, but probably American. I think she refers to it at some point, though I was probably nodding off at that stage. Which episode, you ask? Take your pick. Enterprise? American. Discovery? American. The only Europeans we’ve seen since TNG - excluding Miles (“Oi’m Oirish, y’know!”) O’Brien, who is already established here though he transfers over to DS9 - is yer man from Enterprise, Malcolm wotsit, who’s English, and I think that’s it. An Indian/Egyptian (?) in DS9 too, but the main bulk of the cast has been American. Not a Frenchman to be found. Sacre bleu!.

I’ve never seen any justification or logic for it and I have never understood it. It comes across to me as the most basic pandering to a PC audience who may or may not have demanded European representation on the bridge of the new ship. Well, they may not have been too happy with what they got, cos Picard is English in all but name.

Okay. That will be the last I’ll say of it, is a complete lie. I will be ranting further about it as we go along, you may be sure. But there are so many other characters worthy of my scorn, it may be a while before I get back to him. Just wanted to lay that out before you from the start.

What’s that? You couldn’t give a pair of foetid dingo’s what? Get on with the show you skinny, balding what?

Meh, okay then.

First thing I noticed about this new show at the time was the lack of what you might call an introductory scene. I know this was more a product of the late sixties and early seventies, an attempt to hook the audience before the show started, but I kind of missed it. Mind you, this would become the norm from now on, so I quickly got used to it, and anyone who does it now - a few do, though I don’t think any science fiction shows - seem out of step. But back then it was odd. Also strange to hear the new, PC-world-adjusted intro: now it’s no longer “Where no man has gone before” but “where no-one has gone before.” Also, there’s no “five-year mission”, as there was rather optimistically in the original, which only got three. Ironically, this ran for seven. The new theme is cool though. While we had all got used to the original theme, let’s be honest, it was never indicative of a science fiction show, was it? Sorry Alexander: at least your original spooky intro was kept in. As I noted in the thread earlier, this was actually based - almost completely copied from, in fact - the theme to the first Star Trek movie, stunningly originally titled The Motion Picture.

It is good to see they kept the grammatically incorrect but well-known and loved “to boldly go”, though I note they changed the ship to a sexless one. Whereas in TOS it was “her five year mission”, now it’s declared to be “its continuing mission”. Boo. TNG would also pioneer the sort of reverse of TOS credits, where in the latter the ship would flash across the screen at the end, um, of the beginning, if you know what I mean, and vanish as it came towards you. From now on all ships would move away from the camera. Here, the Enterprise goes into warp. In DS9 a runabout vanishes into the wormhole, Voyager goes into warp too, and Enterprise the series can vanish into whatever orifice it finds most handy. I can’t remember but I think Discovery does the same. It did become standard. Good that they also kept the “Captain’s log” voiceover.

Roddenberry obviously held on grimly to his vision of how women would dress in the 24th century! I see mini skirts and boots, and indeed Deanna Troi is dressed like some sort of throwback from the 1960s, the only one of the female crew to be so dressed, probably because she’s not a real crewmember as such, being the ship’s counsellor. It’s interesting to me that they chose to begin by not having everyone present, with Riker and Crusher (with Wesley in tow, sadly) to meet the Enterprise at Farpoint. Data is there though, and man is he stiff! They dropped his syntax after one episode, and no wonder. Could you stand someone who kept prefacing their remarks with the description of the form he used? “Inquiry”, “Possibility” etc? You’d have given him a slap. Very annoying. As, in fact, is Picard’s rather smug stealing of every scene, though he’ll be upstaged later by Riker. For now though, as he never stops telling us, as if we hadn’t heard the first time, this GALAXY CLASS starship is his stomping ground, and he’s the head cheese.

Okay, time for the first of many, many, many bad jokes. As they sit together on the bridge (why is it called a bridge anyway? I don’t see any water!) Troi says to Picard “I detect a powerful mind.” Picard, grinning and running his hand over his bald head, replies “Well, now, I don’t know that I’d say powerful, counsellor. Though I am awaiting my IQ score from MENSA and I think we’re all going to be pleasantly surprised!” Yeah, get used to it: there’s, unfortunately for you, plenty more where that came from. A very Indian looking helmsman, who, in a sort of reversal of American industrial policy, was soon outsourced to an Irish one, seems on the verge of panic as Q makes his first appearance. Probably why Mr. No-Name got fired: Picard muttering “I’m not having anyone shit themselves at the console just because a godlike, omnipotent entity appears from nowhere! What would he do if Roddenberry walked in?”

Q, of course, not to be confused with Q and definitely not to be confused with Q, went on to become one of the most popular characters in the series, and appeared in others of the franchise, though only after he changed, or was changed, from an evil omnipotent god into a mischievous, omnipotent trickster god, and became somewhat the butt of the joke of the series, as did the Ferengi, of whom more later. Here he does his very best to be menacing, and, to be fair, succeeds. Nobody could imagine that in the future Picard would greet his arrival on the ship in the same way as you do when you open the door and it’s drunken old Uncle Kevin there again, whom you (thankfully) haven’t seen since last Christmas when he tried to roger the turkey in front of grandma. Yeah, he becomes total comic relief, but here he plays his role well and everyone seems to be shitting their pants. Mind you, he will, soon enough, do humanity less than a solid and introduce them to the Borg, who will say “Thank you very much. Resistance is futile” and a legend will be born.

But I get ahead of myself. That’s what happens when you let your clones run free. The forcefield Q throws up bears a staggering resemblance, does it not, to a web in which Kirk’s ship got trapped in, woven by some Tholians? Oddly enough, Picard’s main worry is the “damn noise” of the red alert. Well yeah, captain: that’s what it’s supposed to do, alert you. Not much point if it was silent, would it be? Q fancies a takeaway, but a frozen Indian? Never heard of that one. Hey, never realised that before! The guy’s name is Lieutenant Torres. Anything to B’elenna, chief engineer and gigantic PMS pain in the arse from Voyager?

Now, help me out here. Q tells Picard, in the guise of an army general and talking about commies - so presumably we’re talking twentieth century here - that four hundred years prior we were killing each other over tribal gods. Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but four hundred years back from the twentieth century gives us the sixteenth, and I think men were fighting over more than tribal gods then. War of the Roses? Agincourt? Crowns and kings and thrones? Wanna do a little more research on your history there, Gene. Oh, and I would also remark that Q mentions that humanity “progressed” to the point where they controlled their military with drugs. Isn’t this how the Dominion controlled the Jem’Hadar in DS9, through the Vorta? Coincidence? I wonder.

First speaking part for Worf, and in fact first speaking part for a Klingon in the brave new world of TNG. The lion’s share of the dialogue has certainly been given to Picard, that’s for sure, though Q is matching him well. Probably why he looks so annoyed. Not quite so much though as when he mentions “prosecute and judge” and Q grins “What a great idea!” No doubt he thinks “Fuck! Me and my big mouth!” Advice from his crew tends to recall the Spanish Inquisition. Worf says “Our only choice is to fight!” while the never-liked-and-soon-to-be-dead-though-not-soon-enough-for-me Tasha Yar adds “Fight, or try to escape!” Picard must surely think, “Um, that’s two choices.” So we have “Our only choice is to fight. Fight or try to escape. Two choices. Our two choices are to fight, or try to escape. Or (in Picard’s words) contact the Q (not a good idea, says Troi). So our only choice is fight. Fight or try to escape. Two choices. Our two choices are fight or try to escape. Or contact the Q. Three choices. Our three choices are to fight, try to escape or contact the Q. Or, turn tail for home. Four choices. Among our choices are…”

And when he says “the only other option is to tuck tail between our legs and go back to Earth” he doesn’t even take a vote! I bet Mr. Indian Frozen Guy would be for it. Go on Picard! Who’s for tucking tail? You, you and you? And you. I see. Well I’m captain and I’m damned if I’m returning this shiny new GALAXY CLASS starship back to space dock without a scratch. The other captains would never let me live it down. No, though it may be suicidally dangerous, and though we may, in the end, come close to dooming all humanity after seven years of warping through the galaxy sticking our noses in where they’re not wanted, I say we - try to outrun it! Yes! That’s the last thing they’ll be expecting! Sigh. So, among the choices open to us are: fight, try to escape, contact the Q or outrun it.”

In perhaps the most pointless display of pointlessness ever in Star Trek until someone unwisely suggested Voyager should have its own in-house cook, Picard considers separating the saucer section. Data is asked how dangerous is it, but perhaps may not have heard the question properly, or as a human would anyway. “Oh easy peasy Captain” he doesn’t say but could and should: “The saucer will be fine. It’s made to sep - oh. Hang on. You don’t mean the humans inside it do you? Ah. Well there you see you have a problem. You guys are so soft and squishy - I constantly have to be careful shaking hands in case I crush your fragile bones. Hmm. No. No I don’t think it would be a good look for Starfleet, would it, hundreds of you lads tumbling out into space? I mean, you can’t survive in space like us - well, that is, me, as I am, without question, the only android in this universe there is or ever will be and I definitely do not have a brother and if I did he would definitely not be evil. No, no, on balance sir, I’d say it’s a bad idea. I’d rethink it if I were you. Oh, you’re captain and you’re going to do it are you? Well, don’t come crying to me when they’re filling up the chapel with distraught relatives and asking what idiot thought splitting the ship in two was a good idea.”

Or something like that anyway.

But Picard, as we will find out, is no Kirk, and what he says goes. No underling will tell him what to do, and so the plan is set. I wonder if the saucer separation thing was insisted on by the makers of the later Enterprise models to be sold to fans? Look! Separates just like the real ship does. Um, twice, in the series. Completely idiotic. It can’t even defend itself. A massive glorified escape craft is all it is, and remember, a certain woman driver who shall remain nameless crashed the damn thing. You have to ask though: if he is completely omnipotent, why did Q have to wait to “make arrangements” for the court? Couldn’t he just have, you know, snapped his fingers and they’d be there? Are there forms to be filled in? Venues to be booked? Staff to hire? And let’s not forget the health and safety issues: those are going to be live weapons, people! The Q Continuum can’t afford another big fucking lawsuit! Seems unlikely, does it not? But there must be tension, and De Lancie probably had to go get a sandwich anyway I guess.


"Women and children first, you say?"

As Spock would say, fascinating. There appears to be a Vulcan on board, though he obviously put in for a transfer when he witnessed the illogical actions of Captain Picard, as he’s never seen again. He’s just in the one scene, not mentioned, never speaks, but unless he was in a freak accident with a combine harvester as a child, he’s definitely from the planet of logic. I suppose this was a weak attempt to pay some sort of vague homage to the pointy-eared star of the original series. It’s quite funny too how, when Worf is ordered to be a big yellow-bellied coward and command the sissy saucer section, in charge of a load of women and screaming kids, and maybe a few crewmembers who prefer escaping dressed as women to going into glorious battle, the changeover shows Worf leaving the helm, and another officer appears from a doorway and takes his place at his station. What do they have? A whole bunch of spare officers there, waiting to be called up when needed? What do they do in the meantime? Play cards? Listen to music? Paint? A holding area for spare crew - and this is a ship that hasn’t got its full complement, according to Picard! So why has he spare crewmen knocking around?

You have to wonder too: is Worf insured to fly the saucer section? I mean, do you imagine Picard had time before the ship launched to go through all the clauses in the insurance policy to see if a helmsman is legally allowed to fly part of the ship without the other part? That could be the end of his no-claims bonus. And what if he gets the saucer damaged? Surely Starfleet Command are going to want the ship back in one piece, the way they handed it over to Picard? Bit of an embarrassment if you lose half your ship on your maiden voyage! They’ll be calling him Piecemeal Picard. Oh dear.

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

The separation sequence is as long-winded and boring as it sounds. It adds nothing to it, except that Picard now has Worf’s balls in his pocket, and the Klingon is not a happy bunny. Picture the worst ever family road trip you’ve been on, the one where the windows stuck closed and it was 90 in the shade, where traffic jams clogged up the road and grandpa had that dicky tummy. Then add in that your wife or husband was cheating on you, you knew it but could not prove it, they knew you knew but knew you could not prove it, and everyone pretended everything was fine. Now multiply by a factor of 1000. And you’re still nowhere close to how pissed off Worf must be. But not a millionth as pissed off as we were when Picard bloody surrenders! I remember turning to my late best friend as we watched this in his apartment in London for the first time ever and we both said the same thing: “Kirk would never do that!” And he wouldn’t. He’d find some way out of it, use his guile and expertise and Kobayashi Maru the hell out of that situation. And all with a cheeky grin. But Picard was not Kirk, as we were quickly learning, and he seldom if ever grinned. No, dour, stern, stoic grimness was Picard’s standard expression, and over seven seasons it seldom changed much.


"Snakes! Why did it have to be snakes?"

Interesting, again, that when the crew find themselves in Q’s courtroom, and Picard says it’s the late twenty-first century, the “Post Atomic Horror”, what do we see on the wall behind him? Why, unless I miss my guess that looks very much like the eagle of Germany! Oh how cliched! And everything is red and black. Duh. Funny when the judge (Q) arrives and the clerk tells everyone to stand up, half are dwarves, and I can imagine him going “You! Stand up!” and the dwarf going “I am fucking standing!” Heh. Also funny how surprised they all are when it’s Q who turns up as the judge. I mean, how many other omnipotent aliens who have warned them to go back home or face the consequences have they met recently? Some super over-the-top ham acting by Denise Crosby before she’s rightly turned into a Yarsicle. I note O’Brien has appeared, though he doesn’t rate a name, first or last, yet, and is referred merely to as “conn”. A good Irish name, that.

Here’s a thing though. The time period is said to be the late 21st century, and yet Yar speaks of living though this time; in later episodes she will talk of her attempts to evade “rape gangs” (quite a heavy subject for a science fiction show in the late 1980s by the way). So, are we supposed to believe this “Post Atomic Horror”, as Picard calls it, lasted over three hundred years? Into the 24th century? Or is Tasha Yar a mite older than her service record says? I find it hard to believe Earth was under this kind of “mob rule/anarchy” thing for three centuries! I mean, even the Dark Ages only lasted one or two. But maybe. I just wonder, is all.

Enter Riker, beardless and who has obviously been told that to act properly you must keep your legs apart as far as possible, and your arms should hang loose as if you were modelling for a later action figure, many of which will of course be produced and sold. The exchange between him and Zorn over the apple is an example, I think, of poor writing. He asks for an apple, and there are bananas and oranges and grapes, which he declines to take. For him it’s an apple or nothing. Then, when one appears, Zorn says “Yes, there was another selection.” Now, anyone in their right mind would say “Why in the name of Jim Kirk didn’t you say there was another selection? I’m gagging for an apple!” Not only that, but the “second selection” is nothing BUT apples! Doesn’t he think, “Fuck me, but you’re an idiot! You didn’t see an entire bowl of bright red apples right at your side? Do you need glasses or what?” But no; he just accepts it and smiles. Isn’t he a little suspicious? Where did the apple come from? Any snakes around? And what kind of title is fucking Groppler anyway? Sounds like something Kirk would be fighting in a disused quarry sorry on a desert planet. If this was the first time you’d seen this, you might be wondering what in Hell Zorn’s problem is with fruit, as he seems to be berating it after Riker leaves. Fruitist.


"Dave's not here, man!"

What is Riker’s deal though? As we’re introduced to one of my crushes (sorry) he is told they are about to go shopping AND HE GOES WITH THEM! What man, given a choice, would actually decide to go with a woman on a shopping trip? He may have cause to regret that. Anyway, this then is of course the lovely Beverly Crusher, who will cause such a commotion in Picard’s regulation-issue Starfleet Y-fronts when he meets her, leading us perhaps to wonder if there was not some ulterior motive in his having sent her hubby off to his death some years before? Sadly, we’re also subjected to the youngest Wesley Crusher that can be found. I mean, Wesley was a cunt, at any age (though Wil Wheaton turned out to be all right in other roles) but as a - what is he? Twelve? - as a kid of this age, he’s just so insufferably annoying that you wish Bev had gone to the other clinic when he was due. You know the one I mean! He won’t get any better, and it won’t be till Starfleet Academy can no longer realistically refuse his application that we will be rid of him, so stand by for much annoyance, smug arrogance, and, unfortunately, brushes with death that never quite come off.

Hey, considering she’s just bought a whole bolt of cloth from that guy, does he look stoned to you? Doesn’t smile, doesn’t bow, doesn’t even move. When Riker realises the Crushers know his new captain, Wesley tells him “While I was little, he brought my father’s body home to us.” I’m sure Riker thinks “That’s weird. Usually it’s a football or an album or a book or something…”
Next up is Geordi. Hands up who liked Geordi? All those, huh? Not me. I mean, nothing specifically against him, but I was always bored by his character, and it was only his friendship with Data that brought, in my opinion, anything he did to my interest. Never quite got the visor. I mean, yeah, they want to show off how much science has advanced in the 24th century, but apart from a few episodes where it was useful, you know, what use is it? Just makes him look like one of Devo, if you ask me. If they had black members. This is the first time we see the new transport effect, and to be perfectly fair, they haven’t changed it much, have they? Still, Star Trek remains the only science fiction series, even now, so far as I know, to use personal matter transport, other than Blake’s 7.


"Excuse me? Excuse me? Sorry to bother you, but you haven't seen, like, a saucer section around here have you? Some idiot's only gone and taken it. I was only away five minutes! I don't know, this sector of the galaxy, aliens coming over here, stealing our jobs, taking our women..."

Now let’s be honest here. The Enterprise looks shit without its saucer section, doesn’t it? It’s like, I don’t know, a 747 without the hump, or a big rig without its trailer. It just looks lost and sad and really uncomfortable, like it’s half naked. Riker has to watch a movie as soon as he arrives - I think he might give it two thumbs; the production values are shit but the costumes aren’t bad - and Picard uses the phrase “Make it so” for the first, but by no means the last time. We also hear that the captain’s office is now called the Ready Room, for some reason. I mean, like, ready for what? Kirk never had a ready room. Of course, Kirk was born ready, and conducted every decision from his chair on the bridge, unless he was displaying his manly chest in sickbay. But really: a ready room? What is this, the 24th century? Oh. It is. Carry on then.

You know, I get it. Picard is proving, or testing a point. But is it not a little reckless to order Riker to conduct a manual re-attachment of the big jaffa cake bit to the main ship? Like, sure, he can do it, but what if he fucks it up? It’s not like this is a simulation. If he chokes, people are going to die. Would Worf consider that an honourable death, I wonder? Well, he’d surely take the other part of the Enterprise with him, so maybe. The Klingon Empire would certainly be toasting him. Not at war with the Federation, you say? No, no: that’s just what they want you to think!

Not to mention that Picard is also putting his own life, and that of the entire ship - saucer plus battle bridge (and who came up with that stupid name? What’s wrong with The Bit That’s Left?) - in danger. I mean, does he know Riker? For all he’s aware, this guy could have bopped the real William T. Riker on the head and taken his uniform, an escapee from a loony bin. Didn’t think about that, did you Picard? What if - oh. The ship’s back together. Almost as boring as when it split. Yawn. Why did Data ask “You mean manual, sir? No automation?” That is, after all, surely, the very definition of manual? I thought he was supposed to be smart?

Something occurs to me, to be serious for a moment. Is the separation of the ship supposed to be a metaphor for the fact that it has not its full complement, that its first office and doctor are on Deneb IV - separated from it - and that it will only be whole, and the series as a unit ready, once they all join up. If so, then that feeling is intensified and perhaps confirmed when it’s Riker who is the one who, quite literally, brings the ship back together, heals the rift, both in terms of his presence and of the return of the saucer section. Never thought of that before, but I wonder now is it some cerebral subtext the writers were trying to show? Okay, enough deep thought for now: back to the fun.

Questioning his new number one later, Picard asks “Captain’s rank means nothing to you, then?” And Riker says “Quite the reverse sir.” So Picard asks again, “Then you to nothing means rank Captain’s?” Riker must wonder how Yoda got on board. There is however a complete absence of gasps when Picard remarks that he’s not good with children. No shit. I bet children run screaming from him, seeing him as some sort of bald cross between Yul Brynner in Westworld and the Child Catcher in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang! The first of many, many, interminable and stultifyingly boring rounds of technobabble as Geordi explains how visor works. We don’t care man. It allows you to see, but you’re in constant pain all the time? Doesn’t seem a great deal to me. Should have gone to Specsavers.

Now we get what is, to be fair, a pretty pointless cameo by DeForest Kelley as he reprises his role as Dr. McCoy for the last time ever. I mean, it’s touching, and I like when he says to Data “I don’t see no points on your ears boy, but you sound like a Vulcan.” We’ll get other cameos as the series progresses, though oddly enough perhaps no Kirk. He’s waiting for the movie, so he can take it over, as is his wont. Oh yeah, and now we get the AWKWARD reunion of Troi and Riker, and hear for the first time the telepathic thoughts of the former. I’m not sure they’ve mentioned she’s a telepath up to now, but I may have missed that while I was sneering over something else. Like her being the only one on board to have to wear a short skirt and boots. She doesn’t look happy about it. I’m sure she’s thinking “Am I nothing more than the eye candy here?” Sorry Marina, you are. I mean, Bev is great, but we’re all going to be watching your ahhhnd she uses the word Imzadi for the first time, which, though it sounds like a make of Japanese car, is in fact the Betazed word for “beloved”. Ahhh. How sweet. Picard is as good with body language as he is with kids, apparently, and fails to notice the smouldering sexual tension between them. Or maybe he’s just looking at her tits.

With absolutely no idea what they’re doing of course, the writers have Picard refer to the Ferengi as monsters. “Let’s hope they find you as tasty,” he tells Zorn, “as their past associates.” For we who now know what the Ferengi are, this is clearly a vague reference while Roddenberry and Fontana look at each other and shrug “Who the fuck are the Ferengi gonna be?” But it is funny. Give Siritits, sorry Sirtis, her due here: good acting when she tunes in to the brainwaves of the imprisoned jellyfish aliens. Oh sorry have I spoiled the ending for you? It’s only over thirty years old; maybe I should have been more careful. Oh hey, there’s that Vulcan again. I was wrong. Still no name or line for him though. And a dwarf. Oh no that’s just a very small woman, eyeline almost on Riker’s crotch.

Ah, the holodeck! This was great, no question. The idea was so cool, and of course would form the backdrop for many an inventive episode in the coming seasons. It’s where Riker meets Data for the first time, and where we hear that the android has a Pinocchio complex. We’re also shown how strong Data is, as he lifts Wesley with one hand out of the river, but sadly does not follow the instructions in his surname, and Wesley remains uncrushed. Boo.


"So your saucer section is bigger than ours! Size isn't everything, you know!"

I’m slagging this off, just for fun, but you know, it is reawakening some nice feelings, reminding me of the first time I saw the series. Remember - as you probably do - this was the first time we saw a new Star Trek since the original. It was big, big news at the time and the possibilities seemed, and kind of were, endless. Seeing all the characters meet and talk about the things they’re going to do and the things they’re going to see takes me right back to when thirty was still a milestone some way off. 1987. My ma was alive, I was in work, Karen was well, Gary (my best friend) was alive - though not for long; he would die that year, money was relatively plentiful, Bill was in the White House and Covid was over thirty years away yet. All was right with the world. Video recorders were the big new thing and I rented my massive CRT Grundig 28 inch TV. AND I had hair. Sigh. Well, enough reminiscing I guess. Back to the show.

Sparks fly when Picard meets Beverly again for the first time in years, and you know, I’ve always wondered could Wesley be his? Probably not, but there’s a look passes between them, and Picard and Wesley, that makes me think about it. When the big alien ship comes on the scene and starts blowing the shit out of the old Bandhi city, Picard readies photon torpedoes, until Worf tells him the ship is not hitting Farpoint Station, just the city. “Oh, well that’s all right,” grins Picard. “As long as they’re not damaging the merchandise, nothing to do with us.” The fact that the ship is, as stated, more than twelve times their volume (surely that should be size? Who says volume when talking about starships?) might have something to do with his reluctance to defend the city, not to mention his dislike of Zorn. I know how you feel, Picard. Guy drives me mad with his free jazz experimental avant-garde music.


"Let's try to take the sting out of this meeting, shall we? What? WHAT?!! Oh come on now, don't be such a jellyfish! What??!!"

It’s pretty rich when Q arrives and sneers “savage life forms never follow even their own rules”: it was him who broke his own rules in the court scene. Not a great advertisement for a so-called higher race now, is he? Quite funny too when Riker stands before him, dirty and dusty with cuts and bruises on his face, and declares “Humanity is no longer a savage race!” He’s only short of adding “And if you say we are, I’ll club you and eat your brains!” Picard offers Bev a transfer, but she likes playing for Enterprise United. He says his presence will remind her of a terrible personal tragedy, and she’s surely thinking “Oh you weren’t that bad in bed, Jean-Luc!” Good old Bev: she’s the only one who can send Picard away with a flea in his ear, as she pwns him totally and leaves him muttering “I hope we can be friends?” She thinking “well okay but you’re not getting within a light year of my action again!”

It’s a bit humiliating to see Picard beg Q to help him and save his people, but then I guess he is human. Never noticed before, but the first scene and the last scene are both of Picard: making sure everyone knows he’s the star, eh? Shatner would be proud.

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Trollheart

A few clarifications then: some of those above are self-explanatory, some need a little more explaining done.

Bodycount is, as you can see, broken into three separate sections.

Historical: Deaths which occurred - and are relevant - prior to the mission. Examples might be an outpost attacked which the Enterprise then has to investigate, or a murder committed on a planet before the ship arrives.

Incidental: Deaths which occur not directly as part of the episode or as part of the intervention of the crew, but are linked to it. An example here would be say a spy who is being pursued by the Federation and on whose trail the Enterprise is, might kill someone to throw them off the scent.

Direct: Self-explanatory. Any deaths in which the ship or any of the crew have a direct hand.

The Bodycount is cumulative; each episode the individual deaths will, if possible, all be listed and then added to the running total. Note: whole planets, systems, civilisations assimilated by the Borg will not be added, as I have no way of knowing how many people that is and anyway technically they’re not killed, just made to exist in a living hell. Much worse. Bodycount does not take into account injuries or maimings; deaths only. As for those who come back from the dead? I’ll have to think about that one. Also not included will be planets destroyed, those killed in major engagements (unless the figures are released, which I don’t think they ever were) and basically any deaths I can’t count, as in, say that’s three here, that’s nine there etc. No estimates are going to be made: unless I can see or hear of a number, it ain’t going in.

Data v Humanity How often is Data right, and how often does his android reading of the situation fail to take into account the human factor, leading to the wrong action being taken?

Ships/vessels This can refer to any ship, vessel, probe etc. The Enterprise need not encounter it - it could happen in another scene, down on a planet etc - nor need any actual interaction take place (a shuttle going by on Earth for instance). Can be friendly, hostile or neutral. Living organisms, space monsters etc do not count here. Duplicates of the Enterprise do count though.

Character Scores

Characters are awarded points based on the below table. Points are of course cumulative, and as you can see, can be negative as well as positive. Some scores are only awarded once, like maybe “Engage in a personal relationship” - if a character does this, they don’t get the points for every episode in which they are in that relationship, only when it begins. If, however, they begin a new one, they can score (sorry) for that. Otherwise, this is how it goes:

5 points
Appear in episode
Speak in episode
Take part in a significant way in episode
Part of an away team

10 points
Lead an away team
Take part in combat (ship or otherwise but must be on the bridge for the former)
Move the plot along
Engage in some off-duty activity (music/holodeck/writing/sport etc)
Give bad news to the captain or other senior officer
Inject some humour
Interact with an alien species (familiar, friendly, hostile or neutral but NOT a crew member)
Give advice to another crew member

20 points
Save the ship
Come up with the solution
Solve the mystery
Save one or more lives
Engage in a shipboard romance (does not include Riker/Troi, as this was already in operation)
Spend time on the holodeck
Impress, or get spoken commendation from the captain or a senior officer
Give advice to someone outside of the crew
Board another ship (friendly hostile or neutral, including deserted and/or unmanned)

50 points
Share top billing in the episode with no more than 2 other characters
Engage in a personal relationship outside of the ship
Gain a promotion
Command decision (good)

80 points
Take top billing in episode

100 points
Sacrifice your life or freedom, or be ready to, for your crewmates
Sacrifice everything for those outside of the crew

200 points
Broker, or be involved in the brokering of, a peace or other treaty

500 points
Save a planet/civilisation

-10 points
Act in a way that is contrary to Starfleet and the protocols of the Enterprise
Get put on report
Annoy the captain or another senior officer
Fail in your task (this can’t be something which can be corrected or at which you later succeed)

-20 points
Put the ship in danger through your actions or inaction
Your action or inaction leads to the injury of one or more crew members
Your action or inaction leads to the injury of someone outside the crew
Allow personal considerations to interfere with your duty

-50 points
Your action or inaction leads to the death or one or more crewmembers
Your action or inaction leads to the death of one or more people outside of the crew
Command decision (bad)

All scores are cumulative, both in the episode and in the series.

A chart will be maintained to see how each character does, over the course of a season, and over the course of the series.

There are also scores for episodes, and they run on this basis:

5 points
Tension/Suspense
Danger (general)
Romance (Must be directly connected to the plot or subplot(s))

10 points
Battle (lost)
Death(s)
Rescue
Difficult decision(s) to be made
One or more planets visited (must be landed on/Away Team sent, not just in orbit)

20 points
Battle (won)
Mystery/puzzle
Alternate universe/timeline/time travel
Medical emergency/situation
Alien involved (friendly/neutral)
Danger or threat to one or more specific crew members

50 points
Involves Q
Alien(s) involved (hostile)
Danger or threat to the ship
Strange things happen which may not be explicable
Significant Guest Star(s)
Holodeck episode

100 points
War (Ongoing or the start of one, but not one that is avoided)
Alien invasion
Female-led or focused episode (crew or otherwise; in VOY, excludes Janeway)
Episode with the Doctor (Voyager) or Data (TNG) or Odo (DS9) in the main role
Ferengi-focused (DS9)

-10 points
Bad ending

-20 points
Too many loose ends left

-100 points
Racist

-150 points
Sexist

-200 points
Stupid
Copy of, or too close to another episode from another series/that series (not original enough)


Make it so Every time Picard says this

Engage! Same (although this can be said by anyone)

Earl Grey You know by now

Starbase Whenever the Enterprise docks in or uses a starbase, or one is shown or mentioned. Historical references are allowed (“We have just completed repairs at Starbase etc”)

Shuttlecraft Only those actually in use; shuttlecraft shown in the bay do not count unless taken out.

First contact Definitely applies to the Borg, and any other race the Enterprise gets first dibs on, but also includes races other aliens contact first, like the Klingons or Romulans. Humanity is not included as a First Contact situation for any alien race.

++ indicates the location is virtual, e.g, holodeck simulation, dream, vision, flashback etc.
+ indicates the location is only seen, e.g., on a viewscreen etc, or spoken of but not seen (“When I was last on Risa” etc)

Combat Factor: For each battle, or defence, or engagement the Enterprise, or any other ship is in, 10 points are awarded. The CF does not concern the GALAXY CLASS starship only, but the whole episode. God help me when we get to Wolf 359!

Lives saved This does not include all of the Enterprise crew as a unit, i.e., when the ship is saved yet again from disaster, nor does it save planets, cities etc. It has to be specific individuals, though they can be crew members.

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Trollheart

And with that, here's the first chart.

Obviously, there's not a top ten at this point, as a lot of characters have scored the same, but as the series progresses we'll see some rise and some fall, just like a normal chart. It may be interesting to see who does what. At the end of each episode retrospective I'll slot the new character scores into the chart and see what changes are made.

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Trollheart

Episode title: “The Naked Now”
Season: 1
Importance: 2
Crisis point(s) if any: Everyone goes batshit crazy, if that’s not a crisis point then I’m not the most handsome guy on the for - oh. Wait.
Original transmission date: October 5 1987
Writer(s): J. Michael Bingham (D.C. Fontana), John D.F. Black
Director: Paul Lynch
Stardate:* 41209.2
Destination: Some supergiant star
Mission (if any): Find out what happened on the SS Tsiolkovsky
Main character(s) in Plot: Geordi, Data, Riker, Beverly
Main character(s) in Subplot (if any): Yar, Picard, Troi
Villain/Monster (if any): Virus
Deaths: 80
Lives saved (episode): 0 (Technically, all of the ship, but that’s not what this is about)
Lives saved (cumulative): 1
Locations:

Shipboard:
Bridge
Sickbay
Troi’s Quarters
Engineering
Yar’s Quarters

Space:
Orbit of a supergiant star (not named)

Other:
SS Tsiolkovsky


Ships/vessels: 1 (SS Tsiolkovsky)
Space battles: 0
Bodycount

Historical
80 (Crew of SS Tsiolkovsky)

Incidental

Direct

Total:
Running total: 81

Make it so: 0
Engage! 1
Combat factor: 0
Planets visited: 0
Mysteries: 1 (What happened on the Tsiolkovsky?)
Patients in sickbay: 3
Meetings: 0
Data v humanity: Well, Data is the only one who can replace the chips in time, so he wins this first round.
Data 1 - Humanity 0
Character scores (episode):
Picard 10
Riker 20
Troi 20
Bev 40
Geordi 30
Data 15
Worf 10
Wesley 20
O’Brien
Yar 50

Earl Grey: 0
Shuttlecraft: 0
Admirals: 0
Starbases: 0
First contact: 0
Humour: 30
Episode score: -170 (that’s a MINUS score, people!)
Episode rating: 2/10

It’s rather disappointing that after such a good start the show should almost immediately start relying on old scripts from TOS. “The Naked Time” wasn’t, to be fair, even that great an episode, and if anything, gave the actors a chance to let their hair down and act, well, mad. Which is all well and good, but once is enough. When you have an attempt to continue that story - which should have most definitely been a one-off - I believe you’re asking for trouble. When you have a captain as buttoned-down and strict and joyless as Picard, doubly so. It’s interesting though that the second Starfleet vessel we hear of has a Russian name, though I have to ask why it’s SS Tsiolkovsky instead of USS? Yeah, look, you could see this coming maybe at the end of a successful season, chance for everyone to relax and have some fun (does Picard do fun?) with a pretty throwaway episode, but second in the first season? When things hinge so precariously on how this is received? When the entire future of the show could hang on what the audience think of this? Bad move, I feel. Bad move.

I find it odd that Data says “What we have heard is impossible” as he refers to the blowing of an emergency hatch; surely such things blow now and then? Accidents? I mean, yes, he could be saying it’s impossible someone did it on purpose, but again that’s not the case is it? If it’s impossible, it simply cannot happen. A man can’t fly unaided, or walk on the clouds, or understand the plot of a single episode of The Prisoner. But this? This isn’t impossible. To paraphrase Sherlock Holmes, it is improbable at best. On board the science ship, Riker gasps that the crew were all sucked out into space. Correction, says Data, that’s sucked off. I mean, blown off. I mean, blown out. I like the way the guy in the crew quarters, who is frozen and obviously naked, has still had the decency before he died to position his knee so that his dong can’t be seen. Class!

"Couldn't you have shaved BEFORE coming on duty, Lieutenant?"

Look, I know he probably doesn’t have access to the ship’s communications, but surely Wesley has the use of his mother’s comms in their room? So when Geordi complains of burning up, being the doctor’s son and all, why does he not alert his mother? But he just sits there, looking after him as LaForge leaves. Idiot. Bit pedantic when Picard insists “it’s not an infection” and Troi says “Well whatever it is, she’s got it” - I expect Bananarama to pop up singing “Venus” - “She’s got it, yeah baby she’s got it! I’m your Venus, I’m your fire…” Oh no! I just remembered! This episode features perhaps the single most embarrassing, cringeworthy scene in all of Star Trek, when Yar and Data get it on. Oh god no! The screens, quickly! The screens! It’s a bit annoying that they copy the scene in TOS “The Naked Time” when O’Reilly locked himself in engineering and started making weird announcements and singing; Wesley does the same, though with a lot less panache than the Irishman.

Okay but answer me this: if Data has no emotions - and we’re told he has none; later he gets an emotion chip, to everyone’s acute embarrassment, not least of all his - then how in the name of Jean-Luc Picard can he have a silly grin on his face when Yar pulls him off I mean into her bedroom? Shouldn’t he look like he always does? Could Spiner just not resist making the expression, throwing in a little comedy? How is it that they all only realise halfway into the episode that quarantine procedures should have been implemented before everyone went around touching everyone else? Picard’s attempts to hold in his temper and his normal snappish way when trying to get Wesley to cede control of engineering back to him are comical; you can see how he just wants to tell him GIVE ME MY SHIP BACK YOU FUCKING LITTLE SNOTNOSED BRAT! But he can’t, and must marshall all the minimal charm he has and his awful bedside manner with kids to try to get what he wants.

"Don't look at her boobs... don't look at her boobs..."


It can’t do much for Picard’s ego when Beverly says she’s experiencing a “lack of good judgement, and therefore she finds him extremely attractive.” Well thanks a bunch! Have i ever told you your bum looks big in that? Down in engineering, as the force field Wesley put up is finally overridden, the kid says he thinks he can get the main viewer on line. After seeing what it shows, a large piece of superheated star heading directly towards them, he probably thinks, on second thoughts, maybe we’ll just leave this off. This is the first time we see Data run at superspeed, as he tries to replace the chips that have been taken out of the computer. Hey, when the chips are down, Data’s your man, huh? Sorry. Sorry. Is it hot in here?

"Um, Will? The threshold is THAT way!"

Annoying how Wesley sort of saves the ship in the end, but I guess it’s worth it for the tres awkward moment when Data and Yar see each other again for the first time after they’ve done the business. Maybe both secretly wish the android had not been able to switch out those chips in time! On a more serious note, while there was a certain amount of intoxication on both sides, and Data is shown clearly aware of what he’s doing and the sex is consensual, there’s an uneasy feelng of, if not quite rape, then sex by two people who are really going to regret it when they “sober up”, and it’s doubly uncomfortable, and not at all empowering, that it’s the woman, who uses her better knowledge of human relationships to all but force the android into sex. Very very dodgy, and notable too that for seven seasons after this, though Data had “love interests” occasionally, he is never again seen, or implied to be, having sex with a human. It just screams WRONG on every level.

Overall, as I say, I think this was a poor episode and very badly timed. At this point, we hardly knew anyone, so the kind of nudge-nudge-wink-wink works now, but back then we had no real idea of the feelings Picard had for Crusher, or Riker for Troi, and much of what happens is taken with a pretty giant shrug. This kind of episode is best used when we know the characters, when we’re either sympathetic with them or hate them, but either way can feel for them, cringe for them, root for them or laugh at them. When I saw this originally it was so what? And now it’s different, but even so, a stupidly bewildering choice for a second episode. Maybe Fontana was trying to humanise the characters for us, but there are better ways to do that, and to my mind this was not one of them. Of course, it takes a while before it gets any better, as we’ll see.

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Trollheart

Okay, time for another chart. How have the characters fared on their second mission? Let's see.


The first thing that is immediately apparent is that Q, despite being all-powerful and a godlike figure, can't hold the number one spot for more than one episode, and is toppled by a mere girl! Oh, the shame! Oh the humanity, if he was human which he's not so why I'm saying it I don't know!

Yes, thanks to her, um, liaison with a "fully-functional" Data, Yar takes top spot for this episode.

The only other mover upwards is also a lady, none other than the ship's CMO, who rises from last episode's 5 to take the number 2 slot, a jump of three places and kicking her love - eh, captain down, where he lands at the ignominious postion of 5, falling three places and actually now occupying the slot Bev was in, but far from being a cozy encounter for our favourite bald-headed space adventurer, poet and all-round stiff-neck, she's said "See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!" and has broken the glass ceiling, leaving poor old Jean-Luc to stare up wistfully at the upper echelons of the chart, perhaps feeling like Lieutenant Picard in "Tapestry." Oh dear. Never mind Captain, I'm sure you'll be back on the bridge real soon. For now, haven't you bilges to scrub?

Nobody else is having a good time either, and this episode shows that none of them exactly covered themselves in glory, bar the two ladies. Despite saving the ship, Wesley's antics while under the, um, influence, coupled with his mom's power-leap and that of Tasha mean he's falling two spots from number 5 to number 7, and while Riker is barely slipping from two to three, his love interest is a bigger faller, from four to six. Geordi and Data remain the best of friends, holding on and sharing the number four spot for the second episode running, while there's no glory for Worf as he falls to the lowest possible position, now number 8, dropping three from his previous position of 5, accompanied by poor old Miles O'Brien, currently the Ensign With No Name, as they both prop up the bottom of the chart.

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The Batlord

My childhood crush on Tasha Yar is probably why to this day I have a fetish for short-haired chicks.

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Trollheart

Must have been inconsolable after "Skin of Evil" then, huh?

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The Batlord

Yes actually. Wasn't she supposed to be Data's love interest and he never got another serious one? How you gonna do my man like that?

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