Trollheart

"Wait in here, he says! I'll make you stars, boys, you just stick with me. Six weeks we've been waiting here! SIX WEEKS! He think we got nothing else to do? Got a good mind to start a Time War, just to teach him a - SSSHHH! Here he is! Act natural! We'll show those fucking Cybermen, lads! All right: One, two, three - DAAAAALEK!"

Title of episode: “The Survivors”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 2 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: December 28 1963

Interesting to see Nation use the name he would give his later science fiction series. Unaware that they’re all slowly dying of radiation poisoning because Susan couldn’t be bothered to stay checking the meter longer than a quick glance, our heroes head off to look for Barbara, who has had the bad taste not to turn up, after they gave her a good chance to join them. The Doctor for possibly the first time makes himself useful as he hears something that stops Susan and Ian heading off down the wrong corridor. “Measuring equipment!” he muses. “But for measuring what? And what’s all this gunk? Wet and sticky?” All right, I added in the sticky, but it’s still funny. If only Barbara were here. Or maybe not: Ian is looking decidedly uncomfortable.

Now the Doctor voices my own opinion on how to get through this. “We need drugs!” he gasps. What an example to set for his impressionable young granddaughter, who to be honest is sounding more like fucking Minnie Mouse every second. Does she have to have that high, squeaky, excitable voice? Ian is not best pleased that he is now likely to glow in the dark, and Susan is probably thinking along the lines of “Oops!” Not to worry though: everyone knows the Daleks are the galaxy’s finest pushers so they should be all right. Oh sorry: that’s pushing into extinction. Not quite the same thing. Ian is even less happy when the Doctor ruefully reveals his little subterfuge, which really didn’t fool any of us, did it? What a bastard. He wanted to see the city, they wouldn’t let him, so he stamped his foot and pretended something was broken. Well that’s a fine way for a Timelord to behave, I must say. If you want something and can’t get it, put your Companions in harm’s way. Fuck it; they’re only humans.

Except for his granddaughter. Who isn’t. Human I mean. Or particularly bright. How come she didn’t see through the old bastard’s ruse? She’s supposed to be a genius, isn’t she? Ah, the old “We need this to work and it won’t without mercury so let’s explore that dead city which is definitely dead and not crammed with Daleks I promise would I lie to you” trick, eh? Fancy falling for that! And now he’s ready to leave Barbara to her fate - a fate he landed her in - and slink back to the TARDIS. Ian ain’t having it though, not on his watch. Another fight ensues. All right, as close as the English get to a fight, which is some pretty barbed words and some stony stares, maybe the odd “Now look here my good fellow” if they get really riled. Don’t get Ian angry. You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry. Or happy. Or confused. Or drunk. Look, you just wouldn’t like him, all right?

Anyway he forces the nine-hundred-year-old man to acquiesce to his demand they search for his future ex-wife, and off they go - right into a bunch of Daleks who were taking an evening stroll and could just go right now for some extermination. Yay! Finally we get to see the full thing, and it’s been worth waiting for. To some extent, the basic Dalek hasn’t changed in nearly sixty years; lick of paint, add a weapon, make one a god emperor, you know the kind of thing, but overall very much recognisable as the pesky enemies that still chase successive Doctors, whether male, female, black, Indian or miscellaneous all over time and space. Ian becomes their first victim, though sadly he is not exterminated, just incapacitated. Maybe the Daleks are trying to give extermination up for Lent?

The trio are finally reunited with Barbara, and oddly enough, as he sits down with the aid of the others, his legs temporarily paralysed, Ian asks her did they hurt her, and when she says no he looks annoyed, as if to say “Well dash it all! They hurt me! Why not you?” Maybe because you ran like a big girl’s blouse, Ian. Just a suggestion. Ah well at least the Doctor knows how to keep the spirits of his Companions up. “If we don’t get treatment,” he informs them, “we shall die.” Susan gets hysterical, something she seems eminently qualified to do, and Barbara theorises that there maybe some creatures controlling the Daleks (who have not yet of course been identified as such) while Ian feels sorry for himself. The Doctor is ushered into the presence of the Daleks. “Do not move,” snaps one, “out of the light. I have mislaid my specs.” Okay that last part is mine.

It’s quite a thing, to be fair, to see the Doctor face his age-old nemesis, completely unaware of what they are and the role they will play in his long long life, and in galactic history. It’s kind of like when the Enterprise encounters the Borg for the first time and Picard orders the shields to be kept down. “Let’s keep it friendly,” he decides. Yeah, we know how that ends, don’t we, Locutus? And while we’re at it: Hugh? You could have wiped out the entire race and you let your fucking morals stop you? How many millions of lives are on your conscience, you bald ethical bastard? But I digress. Back to the Daleks.

Woo-hoo! The word is used for the first time. Now we get the genesis of the Daleks, as they tell the Doctor that there were once two races on their planet, themselves and a people they call the Thalls. Nuclear war ensued between them and the Daleks took refuge in the city, which they say they cannot leave. They agree to allow one of the party to go back to the TARDIS to get the drugs they say the Thalls need, which the Doctor thinks may be those phials they found in a handy box just outside the time machine. Back with the girls Ian is mortified to have to be helped around by two women, but his legs are currently the consistency of blancmange so he has no choice. When the Doctor tells him of the agreement he made with the Daleks, he insists he must be the one to go, being all British and male and heroic, with wobbly legs. Didn’t win the war on wobbly legs you know. I didn’t get where I am today by letting women take risks for me!


(What's HE doing here? Oh. Yeah. Right.)

Susan puts a crimp in his plans though, telling them of the rather intricate Chubb lock on the TARDIS, and how she is the only one who can get in. Rather then than do the obvious and let her go in his place (a woman taking on the role of a man? Really, sir! What do you think this is? 1993?!) he asserts that both must go. Then the Daleks tell him he has to go now, but his legs are still as steady as Michael J. Fox going for a walk, so reluctantly, as the Dalek says “Come on, come on! Haven’t all day! Things don’t just exterminate themselves, you know!” he has to let Susan go alone. Not quite sure why he didn’t just jump on the head of a Dalek and ride it like a Segway, but there you are.

Ooh. Now those sneaky Daleks discuss the fact that they have no intention of letting the humans use the drug, and are only using them as a method to get it into the city, which they can’t leave. What rotters! Back in Billy's Outdoor Garden Centre - sorry, the forest - Susan is making for the TARDIS as a storm breaks overhead. More stupid close-ups of her face as she runs - what is the deal with that? They probably have about a two-foot square area for her to run in, so have to do tight zooms to cover that fact. Of course, as all women do, especially when under pressure and especially with a camera rammed up their nose, Susan falls. And screams. She’s obviously seen the last thing any woman in a state of distress wants to see: a TV camera. She starts to run, but these things are relentless and it chases her through the trees. But finally she gets to the TARDIS. Just time for a quick bath and a change of clothes then. I mean, Ian said straight there and back, but since when did any teenage girl obey a father figure? Besides, it’s raining outside, and there may be mutants abroad. Best to just wait it out. Wonder who’s on the X Factor tonight?

Comments

Yeah things begin to move, if slowly. The Daleks don’t disappoint, and I’m sure everyone was shrinking in horror from them back in ‘63, though as I say I was never afraid of them. The voices are pretty much the same as they would always be, other than the rising petulance that entered their tone later. The story of them being trapped in the city is interesting, but again you have to say that not a lot happens. After the initial appearance of the Daleks, it’s back to running round a forest in search of the TARDIS, which to be honest is getting a little tiresome. It’s over there, love! Third tree to the right and hang a left, can’t miss it. A moment in television history certainly, as a man called Nation not only saves what would become one of British television’s greatest and most loved shows, but also sets the template for all science fiction series that would follow. Many of which were superior.

Diagnosing the Doctor

If my opinion of Hartnell’s character could go any further down, it can. And does. What an idiot. For no reason at all, pure curiosity and bloody-mindedness, he introduces the Daleks to humans, to him, their future worst enemy, - and, just as an aside, the entire galaxy - and puts his companions and himself in peril of their very lives. What a leader! What responsibility! What maturity! And even when he admits what he’s done, it’s more with a rueful shrug than an acceptance he may have killed them all. Gobshite. I wonder then why the Daleks chose him as the one they would talk to? To them, he’s old and frail (they acknowledge this by referring to him as “the old man”) and I don’t know if they have any sort of gender bias, but Ian is walking on rubber legs, so why not choose one of the two women, who can at least walk unaided? But no: this is 1963, this is the BBC, and nothing but a male hero will do. Christ.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E06 - -20/100 (minus 20)

Charting the Companions

You know, there’s a time to be a hero and there’s a time to shut the hell up and realise you are out of the game, and Ian does not seem to know when this is. Despite the fact that his cowardly attempt to escape has had his legs banjaxed by the Daleks, he stubbornly puts himself forward as the candidate to make it back to the TARDIS, when he has as much chance of making it to the moon. Can’t even conceive of one of the women taking on the job, and keeps hammering his legs as if somehow he can force them to work. “Come on now lads! England needs you! Do your duty!” etc. Christ. Again.

Barbara, despite being the first to have a run in with the Daleks, has done nothing this episode but go down on them. Sorry, with them. Go down with them. In a lift. Other than that, she’s returned to the useless pile of blubbering flesh she’s more or less been for all this serial, and before it. Can’t see what she’s adding to the show at all, to be honest.

Susan does a lot of screaming, and it’s partially her fault they’re in the situation they are for not rechecking the radiation gauge, but as she does take on the role of potential heroine near the end and heads out into the forest, making it back to the TARDIS, I suppose you have to give her that.

Susan: 10/100
Ian: 5/100
Barbara: -25/100

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

"AP-OL-O-GIES. YOUR TAB-LE WILL BE AN-OTH-ER HALF HOUR. WE ARE VE-RY BU-SY TO-NIGHT. PLEASE AC-CEPT THESE AP-PET-IS-ERS WITH THE COM-PLI-MENTS OF THE MAN-AGE-MENT!"

Title of episode: “The Escape”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 3 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 4 1964

Into the new year, and the first new year for baby Trollheart as I celebrated my sixth month on this planet. Interesting to think I was kind of born at the same time as the Daleks. Maybe that’s why I have this irrepressible urge to EXTERMINATE! EXT - sorry, sorry. I’m taking the pills, honestly I am. You believe me, don’t you? Of course you do. Anyway, third episode ahoy and we find Susan shivering alone in the TARDIS as the doors open for some reason and the great god Thor bangs his hammer in the sky and sets her nerves on edge. I thought she was supposed to be a well-travelled space alien girl, to whom nipping back to the French Revolution to pick up a few croissants for breakfast and then dashing back to the sixteenth century to rob Henry VIII’s dinner was commonplace? And she’s afraid of a little thunderstorm? Maybe it’s that she’s always had her grandfather around, but come on: she’s not a kid. Got to cut the apron strings sometime. Though preferably not while he’s dangling over a cliff and the apron is the only thing you can grab to hold on to him.

She certainly does Frightened Girl Alone 101 very well, then suddenly there’s a man looking down at her, and she sinks to her knees. Maybe she’s going to give him a blow…. By blow account of her situation I was going to say! What’s wrong with you people? Just the one thing on your mind. I don’t know. The guy tells her not to be afraid (bit late for that, sunshine! Think she’s already wet herself. That is, if she’s lucky, that’s all she’s done!) and looks to be a big fan of seventies Genesis, dressed as he is in some sort of flower getup. A flower? BUM-BUM-BUM-BUM! If you go down to Willow Farm … Sorry, in-joke for Genesis and prog nerds there. He tells her that it was he who left the drugs for her (oh, so he’s a pusher, is he? Just say no, Susan! No, not No don’t kill me!) and that she must take them immediately as she is in great danger. No doubt he’ll start a tab for her; he’ll find some way for her to pay back her debt ho ho. Maybe he needs his garden weeded. Um.

Enough of my drivel. Let’s get on with this drivel. Plant Boy tells her he knows there are four of them - he’s been stalking, sorry watching them (well, with all that plant stuff and leaves and what not, maybe he is stalking - all right I’ll stop now) and she tells him the others are held captive by the Daleks in the city. It’s news to Plant Boy that the Daleks survived, and surely not good news, as they were, presumably, the enemy his people were fighting against. I assume he’s a Thall. He hands over more drugs to Susan and NYPD appear from behind a rock and - no? Ah. Well, have it your own way. But drugs ruin lives, you know. Next scene Susan is back in the city of the Daleks. Well, that was quick. And where’s Plant Boy? Not a sign of him. Thought he was her bud? Sorry. Guess he had to leave. Sorry again.

There’s the usual air of doom and gloom back in the city. I mean, yeah, I know they’ve been captured by Daleks, who will in time give wiping out every living race in the galaxy the old college try, but the defeatism here is nauseating. All they’re missing is a motivational speech from Arnold J. Rimmer, something perhaps along the lines of, oh I don’t know, “We’re finished!”? The sneaky Daleks have been dropping the eaves, the little tinkers, and hear all about how a catastrophe with their crops could wipe out the Thalls. Don’t think they’ll be arranging any airlifts or mercy runs though. Oh look! A Dalek waiter! Don’t tip the bastard. After having given them food and water, the Dalek tells them Susan must come with it, as they are (chortle) going to help the (snigger) Thalls as she (guffaw!) asked. Oh these people are too naive for words!


"We can't perform interpretive dance in this tiny box! How would we all fit?"

Meanwhile, back TARDIS-side, it’s a case of Guys and Thalls (sorry) as a whole scatter of them, male and female in very tight or revealing outfits, crowd around the time machine and discuss how they might be able to open a dialogue between them and the Daleks. Sorry pal: Dalek dictionary is the shortest book in existence. Just one word. You know the one. I guess the thing is they haven’t seen the Daleks since the war (sure I’d hardly know ya!) and it seems they have changed but I guess we’ll hear all about that. Plant Boy is apparently called Hard-on, sorry Alydon, and his boss seems mightily pleased with himself. Well I suppose you would too, if you had a bevy of scantily-clad beauties flocking around you. BBC must really have been strapped for cash in the budget for female outfits. Very sad.

Hard-on’s leader asks him how old Susan is, and the Plant Boy replies “Oh, no longer a child, not yet a woman.” I suppose if Britney had access to a TARDIS of her own she could go back and retroactively sue him for copyright infringement? Seems Hard-on’s Thall babe is a bit pissed that he’s been flirting with the time traveller girl, but he declares “We’re all working towards the same end!” This tickles one of the other guys, who grins “Now there’s a double meaning for you!” Also a double meaning, I feel, is when the leader tells Hard-on that Dyoni, his bit of tail, sorry Thall, sees her future in him, and he does not answer (though I bet he wants to) yeah I see my future in her too! Dirty beggar. She is hot though. A real improvement on cave women. And Daleks. Subtext that says the two of them are engaged. The Bells are Ringing, for Me and My Thall? Sorry again,

Susan, surely to her chagrin, finds she travelled across time and space to an alien planet and is doing homework, as the Daleks dictate their (chortle again) offer to the Thalls. Luckily enough for them, the notorious “Exterminate-them-all Eddie” has been securely locked away, or their cunning plan would be blown. I think the Dalek on the left there is thinking “A SEC-RET-AR-Y! JUST WHAT THE DA-LEKS NEED! ASK HER FOR REF-ER-EN-CES!” Or maybe not. That’s probably the one who says, after Susan and the others have staged an argument in order to get the speaker/mic thing that the Daleks are using to listen in on them, “DO YOU THINK IT WAS BRO-KEN AC-CI-DENT-AL-LY?” Daleks can’t roll their eyes (don’t have them) but you get the impression from the other one of “NINE-TEEN THOU-SAND DA-LEKS TO CHOOSE FROM AND I GET THIS JOK-ER TO WORK WITH! WHAT GODS HAVE I OF-FEND-ED?”

Finally, after seven episodes, the Doctor has an idea! Hold on, strap yourselves in! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride! He realises the Daleks are like, um, dodgems, and are operated by electricity. Great. So just wait till they fail to pay the next electricity bill and we’re good, right? Ian though works out that the cloak Hard-on gave Susan is made of some insulating material, and since the floors are all metal and the Doctor believes the Daleks are using static electricity to move (don’t touch one then: might get a nasty shock!) they can use this to stop them when they enter their cell. All sounds a little iffy to me, but then, what about this is not iffy? Certainly the stupid Thalls, who make a very good case for extinction of the less intelligent, as they fall hook, line and, um, petal for the Dalek’s kind RSVP and a message that there is food waiting for them just outside the city, and pay no attention to that huge mousetrap-looking device - you wouldn’t believe the rat problem in this city.



"BEND OV-ER! YOU WILL NOW BE PROBED!"

The escape plan is very hi-tech indeed: stop the door closing by jamming the listening device thing under it, then when the Dalek comes back sighing internally “WHAT THE FUCK IS IT NOW? I HAVE SOME IMP-ORT-ANT EX-TER-MIN-AT-ING TO DO!" they splatter muck from Susan’s boots over its lens to blind it and then push it onto the coat so that its electricity supply is cut off. Ian is a bit careless as the Dalek’s “gun” as they call it pushes right up against his chin: if the Dalek panics and fires he’s going to look a lot less attractive to Barbara without a head! Or, maybe not. I winder why his first instinct was to go for the long hard rigid thing sticking up out of the Dalek, hmmm? Probably coincidence. Yes, yes I'm sure there's nothing in it. You sort of have to feel for the Dalek as it wails “GET A-WAY FROM ME! GET A-WAY FROM ME!” the voice rising stridently, giving a good impression of someone crapping themselves. Ah, poor thing!



"Here's mud in your eye, pal!"

They get a can-opener and pop the Dalek’s lid off (well, they open it anyway) and then scoop out the insides (oh come on now! We all know by now what’s inside a Dalek, and they just dump it out? What about the sanctity of human life? Daleks not human you say? You’ve just got all the answers today, don’t you?) Well Ian then becomes the first human to sit inside a Dalek - other than the guys who operate them for the show I guess - but since he can’t find the clutch they’re reduced to pushing him along like some sort of child’s toy. Kind of a metaphor for the whole show really at this point. Ludicrous isn’t a strong enough word. Well, as they probably say on this planet, Th-Th-Thall folks!

Sorry. I’m so very sorry.

Comments

Okay well it’s pretty damn stupid to think a Dalek can be put out of commission like one of the bumpers at Funderland (if you’re Irish) or Alton Towers or the amusement park of your choice. I mean, these things aren’t just wound up and let go. The explanation as to how they move is beyond stupid: “They must have mastered static electricity!” declares the Doctor. Wait, what? How does that work again? Ian points out that if, as the Doctor believes, the Daleks are just hi-tech dodgems that can and will kill you, where is the thingy with the sparks that always sticks out of the back of the dodgem and is used to move the thing along? Sorry for the technical jargon, but if a job is worth doing well…

I suppose if you accept this was meant to be a children’s programme, they could probably get away with half-baked logic like that, but it don’t wash with me, son. Still, at least there’s something happening this episode, instead of everyone just sitting around wondering what to do and/or screaming hysterically (some of the women are as bad) and we do get a decent amount of Dalek action, so that’s not bad. I like it when they talk to each other; get the idea that two of them are thinking WHO WAS EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED AND LEFT YOU IN CHARGE? I COULD HAVE BEEN LEAD-ER IF I HAD GONE TO THE PROP-ER DA-LEK SCHOOL LIKE SOME I COULD MEN-TION!

The Thalls though remind me of that dance troupe off Top of the Pops, Pan’s People, and it’s really hard to take them seriously. I kind of hope the Daleks do exterminate them. Anyone who trusts a Dalek deserves to die. Point of interest to nobody but myself, but one of the Thalls is played by Philip Bond, who was Albert Fraser in The Onedin Line. There, I told you it was of interest to nobody but me. It’s quite funny when Ian gets into the Dalek - how can he fit? The things are far too small! - and starts talking in the Dalek voice. Hilarious when they have to push him: how long is that going to fool his fellow Daleks? And what about the poor old actual Dalek creature left behind under the leafy cloak Hard-on was wearing? Where’s me shell? he’s surely thinking: Bloody City of the Dead! No wonder crime is going up! Bet that’s Exterminate-everything Eddie again! One shell not enough for ya dude?

Diagnosing the Doctor

It has to be said that he actually starts to earn his keep this episode, as he’s the one who discovers how the Daleks work, though to be fair that’s about all he does. Oh, and he engages in the mock fight to allow them to knock down the listening device thing, but then, they all do that. I’d say he’s making a little more use of himself here, but still not very much. It’s hard to see him as anything else than a passenger here. If you didn’t know the show, I think you would ask “why did they bring the old guy along?” He really mostly just gets in the way, and I guess in the end this must have been seen as a valid concern, as future Doctors (sorry) were all much younger, and have in fact I think got younger throughout the regenerations. I suppose as he’s required to be a bit more of an action hero now and less of a doddery old professor pointing things out, the old guy didn’t cut it any more. Besides, the kids would need someone they could relate to.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E07 - 10/100 (At least he’s out of negative figures)

Charting the Companions

It’s really the trio that move the episode along, considerably easier than they end up moving Ian in the Dalek. Ian is full of good ideas, consulting with the Doctor, Susan meets the Thalls (but not the Little Fockers, at least not yet) and acts as the go-between for them and the Daleks, and even Barbara’s grey matter is working this week, as she taps the mud off Susan’s shoe in order to blind the Dalek. Ah, teamwork eh? And let’s not forget Ian in the Dalek. By the way, surely it would have made more sense for Susan, as the smallest, to go inside the shell? Oh sorry I forgot: girls didn’t do that sort of thing in 1963. Most undignified and not at all ladylike.

Susan: 25/100
Ian: 15/100
Barbara: 5/100

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

"OH MY HEAD! WHAT WAS I DRINK-ING LAST NIGHT? FEELS LIKE IT'S


SPLIT-TING APART! SOME-ONE GET ME SOME PA-RA-CE-TE-MOL!"

Title of episode: “The Ambush”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Part: 4 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 18 1964

With the farcical idea of Ian inside a Dalek shell kicking this off, can we expect much? I suppose we can, but that doesn’t mean we’re going to get it, does it? I wonder if the Daleks have membership of the AA? “LOOK! NUM-BER SIX-ONE-NINE HAS BRO-KEN DOWN! WHO HAS THE MEM-BER-SHIP CARD? WHAT? NO, I DIS-TINCT-LY RE-MEM-BER YOU TAK-ING IT, NUM-BER FOUR-FIVE-THREE! YOU DID! YOU BLOOD-Y DID! DON’T YOU CALL ME A LI-AR YOU FAT SACK OF -” Maybe not. Oh come on now! How is that not a sexual innuendo? After literally days of trying to get Barbara interested, Ian finally has her leading him by the di - um - sintergator probe. Yeah. Actually, now I look, both women are holding his long, thick, hard, um, probe. But isn’t Susan underage? For shame! Who ever heard of a male teacher messing with a younger female student? Um.



Yeah, we all know what men are led by, don't we?

“Let go!” snaps Ian. “I think I’ve found out how to operate this thing!” And up his probe rises, as the two women let go of it. All right, all right: enough smut, I know. You’re no fun anymore. What’s that you say? You were never fun? Well, all right then. Oh dear. Seems our Ian may be n the mood for a little gender-bending, as he directs the Doctor to get in front, and the old man grabs his - yes, yes, all right! I know! I’m getting to it. Hey, I have to do something to get through this, you know? Their clever plan falls apart the moment they meet a real Dalek - did they even think this one through? Now we get some Dalek-on-Dalek action as we have a threesome with Susan being probed from in front and behind! Oh shut up, it’s my way. You try writing this! She certainly has a cheeky little smirk on her face I must say.

Perhaps making a case for Daleks not after all being the most intelligent creatures in the universe, the other one allows the Ian-Dalek to take charge of the “prisoners”. Doesn’t even check with Dalek Central. “Uh, no, negative, negative! We got a fuel leak up here. We’re all okay now, thanks. How are you?” And the Doctor then shows how technically gifted he is by blocking the door by the ingenious expedient of, um, pulling out the plug. Ah, like Scotty says, the more complicated the wiring, the easier it is to clog up the plumbing, or something. Now the quantum-penny drops for the other Dalek, as he realises he has been duped. “THERE IS NO OR-DER TO TRANS-FER THE PRI-SON-ERS!” Dalek Control informs him. “BOL-LOCKS!” growls the other Dalek. “THEY’LL PUT ME ON NIGHT GUARD DU-TY FOR A MONTH! THOSE FUCK-ING HU-MANS! I KNEW WE SHOULD HAVE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED THEM!”

Behind the door the others try in vain to get Ian out of the Dalek shell, but as Luke Skywalker once noted, got something wedged in here real good, my friend! Maybe he shouldn’t have got so excited about everyone grabbing his probe. Cold shower, that’s what I recommend. Watch a gardening programme, or a party political broadcast. Listen to some Michael Buble. Hold on: might have gone a little too far there. Fair enough: no need for torture now, is there? Outside more Daleks have gathered, as everyone swears they don’t have the key. “I LEFT IT ON THE SIT-TING ROOM TAB-LE!” Insists one. “I THINK I SAW EX-TER-MIN-ATE EV-ERY-THING ED-DIE RUN OFF WITH IT!” shouts another. “OH GOOD FUCK-ING BOLLOCKS AND SHITE ON A STICK!” Growls another. “IF HE’S LOOSE WE ARE ALL IN TROUB-LE!” Another agrees. “I MEAN, I’M ALL FOR EX-TER-MIN-AT-ING, BUT THAT GUY WANTS TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE ALL THE TIME! HE’S FREAK-ING NUTS!” None of which, of course, gets the door open.



"HIS FLAME CON-TROL IS EX-CEL-LENT!"
"I WANT-ED ONE OF THOSE THINGS BUT THERE IS A SIX MONTH BACK-LOG ON OR-DERS!"
"YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED AM-A-ZON."
"I DID. THEY ARE EIGHT MONTHS BACK-LOGGED."
"CAN YOU TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP? I'M TRY-ING TO WORK HERE!"

But this will. “STAND BACK!” shouts one. “I’VE BEEN DY-ING TO TRY OUT MY NEW AC-ET-YL-ENE TORCH AT-TACH-MENT! COST ME A BUN-DLE IT DID, BUT WORTH EVE-RY CRE-DIT!” And he begins to burn through the door. Ian, still stuck in the Dalek, unable to be moved now that the floor has been magnetised (?) says leave me here and the Doctor says “Right you are!” and is already on his way when the two women say “No, we’re not leaving you.” Ian says to Barbara “There’ll be plenty of time to stroke my probe later dear,” (or maybe I made that up) and off they go. The Doctor promises to send the lift back down for him once they get out. Yeah right.

The lift seems to go down, then up? Susan reckons she hasn’t had a hysterical fit since, oh, last episode, so time for one, and it’s a good one, the Doctor having to restrain her, and things are back to normal. Who needs Ian anyway? It’s not as if they’re falling apart without him. The Doctor has everything under control, oh yes. They do however make it (duh) and send the lift back for Ian, who can be heard, having struggled out of the Dalek shell, shouting “I’m coming!” Thought that was the problem in the first place, the reason he couldn’t get out of the shell? Sorry. Anyway the four are reunited (hoorah!) and the Daleks burst through the door (boo!) and destroy the empty Dalek shell, ruining its original owner’s no-claims bonus and leaving him like a homeless snail (no shell, see?) as they stop the lift, but too late.

Seems our heroes have gone right to the penthouse suite, and through a window Barbara thinks she sees someone moving in the city down below. Nobody seems to consider that the Daleks are surely on their way now, trying to ignore than awful elevator music you get, and arguing over which floor they think the humans have gone to, with one (there’s always one, isn’t there?) complaining that he is claustrophobic and praying the lift won’t get stuck. Yeah actually only one of the fat bastards can fit, but he does give the order we’ve all been waiting for: “THEY ARE TO BE EX--TER-MIN-AT-ED!” Yay! Just in case his Dalek buddies didn’t understand, he repeats “YOU UN-DER-STAND? EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!” The others look at him in awe. WHAT A GREAT WORD!” breathes one. “HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT?” The one in the lift says “IT JUST CAME TO ME. YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT, THEY ARE TO BE KILLED JUST HAS-N’T GOT, WELL, THAT PUNCH YOU NEED. THEY ARE TO BE DES-TROYED IS NOT WITH-OUT ITS CHARM. BUT THAT WORD: EX-TER-MIN-ATE: IT SUITS SO WELL. I AM GO-ING TO USE IT A LOT MORE IN FUT-URE!”

And so a legendary catchphrase is born.

The Doctor somehow manages to open the door while Ian and crew drop heavy objects down on the lift, which, I don’t know, maybe stops it coming up? Hard to say. They leg it anyway. Meanwhile the trusting and surely soon-to-be-exterminated Thalls are pushing their shopping trolleys into AsDa(lek) (sorry) hoping to fill up on supplies and avoid any Dalek who tries to interest them in the City of the Dead Loyalty Card Scheme. The Doctor and his munchkins head off to try to warn them that they’re walking into an ambush, and possibly to suggest they consider having brains surgically installed. The Doctor as ever is ready to sacrifice, um, the Thalls to the Daleks. “We cannot jeopardise my - I mean, our lives - our lives for something which is none of our business!” he states, reciting the very opposite of what will become the Doctor’s raison d’etre. But he’s old, the Thalls are young, and he probably rightly hates them. And since there are no clouds to yell at, he yells at his companions, who probably begin wondering if that rest home on Bide-a-Wee VII might not be worth a second look?

Ian elects to be the big hero and stay behind while the others shamelessly beat a retreat to the safety of the TARDIS, and the Doctor says “Good on ya. See you in future regenerations maybe.” And off he fucks, taking the ladies with him and probably already composing Ian’s epitaph. Or more likely wondering when someone will give him a nice hot dinner and put Antiques Roadshow on the TARDIS's video. Ian, rather strangely, considering he stayed behind to warn the Thalls, does nothing of the sort, and just watches as they walk into the Dalek trap. Oh wait, he does: at the last moment. Thankfully the Thall leader is exterminated: that guy was really getting on my wick. The Daleks’ superior brains fail to alert them to the fact that they’re passing by Thalls who have cleverly concealed themselves in the niches in the walls, and they just roll on by. Hard-on survives, curse it. Now he’s the boss. Sure he didn’t know about the ambush?



How considerate of the Daleks: they even gave them toilet rolls! No panic buying here then!

Back at the TARDIS, the Doctor is chatting up one of the pretty Thall girls. I suppose as lines go, “You know, my dear, it’s bigger inside than outside,” isn’t the worst, but it could be misunderstood. Dirty old get. Hard-on has a great idea for defeating the Daleks. Ian asks him what would he do if the Daleks could leave their city, and he replies they would go away, back to the plateau they came from. Great idea. Daleks hate plateaux. And stairs. And hills. Anything high, anything they have to move upwards towards that hasn't got its own handy lift. Once upon a time, walking up some steps would have defeated the Daleks. Until someone had the bright idea to allow them to fly. Ah fuck. Oh well. It was good while it lasted but everything evolves. After all, as Jim Morrison once sang, “Babe we couldn’t get much HIGHER!”

Seems the Thalls are a bunch of pantywaisters, pacifists who would rather die than fight. Pussies. Having got nowhere with the Thall babe - it might have been when he offered to show her his sonic screwdriver that things took a turn for the worse - the Doctor is again eager to blow this planet (if nobody will blow him - stop it!) and is ready to follow his own personal Prime Directive, which states, and I quote: if in doubt get the fuck out.

The women and Ian argue to sta - oh no wait they don’t. No, they’re all quite happy to leave the Thalls to face the Daleks and get out of Dodge, until they realise Ian has only gone and left the keys to the TARDIS back in the city! D’oh! Those sneaky Daleks half-inched them when they searched him, and though they promised they would be returned when he was exterm - ah, that is, when he left, they’ve hung on to them. So either they get out and push the big blue box or… back to the city to try to explain to the Daleks that all that escaping and throwing rocks at their lift was a big misunderstanding, and could they please have their keys back?

I doubt the Daleks are going to be in a receptive mood. I know I'm not.

Comments

Has to be said that more happens this time, with a decent amount of Dalek action and FINALLY some exterminating! Only good Thall is a dead Thall, say i! Seeing Ian trying to struggle out of the Dalek shell reminds me of that time my cat, greedy thing, got her head stuck in a cat food can and was banging it off the side of the wall to try to get it off! The Dalek ambush is cool, as is seeing them going along one behind the other singing “COS WE GOT A MIGH-TY CON-VOY, TRUCK-IN’ THROUGH THE NIGHT! WE GOT A MIGHT-Y CON-VOY, AIN’T SHE A BEAU-TI-FUL SIGHT? COME ON, JOIN OUR CON-VOY, AIN’T NOT-HIN’ GON-NA GET IN OUR WAY!” Or maybe not.

Overall though the story is AGAIN concerned with our heroes running away and trying to escape. It’s becoming somewhat of a tiresome cliche at this stage. I do wonder how the Daleks end up leaving the city? Why are they stuck there? Can’t start a time war if you can’t even get beyond the four walls. Something must happen. Rather like this serial. Some of the logic used here is again ridiculous. Magnetised floors? Doors? Huh? And how the Doctor opens the door in the penthouse is not explained. Really hard to see how this became the iconic hit it has, but I guess it’s early days yet. Suppose the BBC must have been very forgiving. And the Daleks were a big hit. Page one: get the kids hooked on the monster, and they won’t care too much about the story.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Oh he’s lost any ground he gained last episode! Back to the selfish, cowardly old man whose only concern is saving his own skin. Future regenerations must look back and this and shake their heads and think “What WAS I like?” He’s happy to leave the Thalls and the Daleks to it, and makes no bones about it. He also loses points for being a creepy old man around the Thall girl, and very definitely looking down her less-than-covered top when she leans down (well I know I did) and for being the one to slow everyone down again thanks to his bloody age. Also, he jumps at the chance to throw Ian to the Daleks when he offers to stay behind, to leave him stuck in the Dalek shell and bail for the lift with the vague promise of sending it back, and to allow the Thalls to be ambushed (well they deserve to be). A piss-poor performance all around, only saved by a slight bit of knowledge as he asks the Thall girl if he can see her etchings. Isn't that usually the other way around?

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E08 - Minus 25/100

(Sinking right back into those negative figures)

Charting the Companions

Ian has definitely to be commended for his selfless sacrifice as he offers to stay behind, and warn the Thalls, and for his lecture (very teacher-like) to those selfsame Thalls that what they need in their lives is what Rimmer once described as good old blood-and-guts, death-or-glory violence. That’d sort those Daleks out. Maybe a stern talking-to, suggest the Thalls, at which Ian sneers.

Susan gets some points for distracting the Dalek as the Ian-Dalek comes out, saying “Ooh, look at the size of your probe! I’ve never been taken from behind by a Dalek before!” But otherwise she mostly spends the episode screaming and pulling her grandfather along like a wheeled toy on a string. Not a lot to say there.

But more than Barbara, who, other than helping Ian and Susan drop heavy things, Die Hard style, but minus the Willis wisecracks and with neither of them in something so common as a vest, down on the lift bringing up the Dalek, does. I mean, she hardly has any lines, and other than banging fruitlessly at a window when she knows they’re miles up anyway and no Thall is going to hear her, little to do.

Susan: 5/100
Ian: 25/100
Barbara: Minus 10/100

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

"WATCH CON-TROL SCREAM LIKE A GIRL WHEN I JUMP OUT AT HIM!"

Title of episode: “The Expedition”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Chronology: 2nd serial, 9th episode overall
Part: 5 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 18 1964

As the Doctor beats Ian over the head growling “You stupid boy!” they make their way back to the city, where the Daleks are looking at home slides it would appear. Not quite sure what the deal is but I think they’ve managed to bug the trio - or one of them - as they’re able to get shots of them meeting with the Thalls. Mind you, for an advanced race they sure know ****-all about photograph development: I got better pictures than those the first time I picked up a Praktika SLR camera, and I would have been about thirteen at the time. Barely discernible at all; no Photoshop for them, then! Our next scene shows us an outraged Hard-on saying to Ian “No! And that is my final word!” as Ian shrugs and says “Doesn’t anyone on the stupid planet want to have sex?” Ah well.

Barbara can’t understand Ian’s reluctance to encourage the Thalls to fight the Daleks, thus helping them get into the city. “I won’t ask them to sacrifice themselves for us!” he declares. The Doctor can’t understand this attitude either. Surely ALL races should consider it a great honour to sacrifice themselves for him? Them. Them, of course he meant. No doubt, if he could drive them all before him with a quantum whip, have the Daleks exterminate them and in the confusion grab the doodad to get his TARDIS back on the road, he’d do it faster than you can say “The Face of Bo”. Meh, maybe next regeneration, when he’s feeling stronger. Sucks being old. Ian is the real pacifist now, the moraliser who refuses to throw the Thalls to the wolves, sorry Daleks. He asks acidly “When so many of them have died, will you hold up the (whatever the fuck it’s called: let’s keep saying doodad - I like that word, and want to use it more in general conversation) doodad and say this is what you fought and died for?” Well of course not, thinks the Doctor. We’ll be long gone by then!

"DOES-N'T AN-Y-ONE CLEAN UP THIS FUCK-ING PLACE? LOOK AT THE STATE OF THIS!"

Ian finally forces the Thalls to grow a pair when he tries to take Naomi sorry Dyomi to the Daleks, and Hard-on hits him with a completely soundless punch. Those cutbacks, huh? Oh you brute! Thinks Dyomi. I thought you were a peaceful man! My mother was right. I should never have chosen you! Back in the city, one of the Daleks is in a spin, literally, crying “HELP! CAN-NOT CON-TROL! HELP ME! HELP ME!” Probably shouldn’t have had that third Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. Actually no, it turns out that one, and all the ones in that sector, are, well, high. With the title of the episode being "The Expedition", that's another word for trip, isn't it? Sorry. “ALL DA-LEKS IN SEC-TION THREE ARE IN-CAP-AB=LE OF WORK-ING!” shouts one Dalek. “LA-ZY BAS-TARDS!” a second one does not shout. “A SPELL IN THE AR-MY WOULD DO THEM A GAL-AX-Y OF GOOD! MY BRO-THER WAS A WAS-TREL AND THE AR-MY SOR-TED HIM RIGHT OUT!” Ignoring him, a third remarks "SEC-TION THREE? THAT WAS THE FIRST ONE TO RE-CEIVE THE AN-TI-RA-DI-A-TION DRUGS!” The first one mutters “OH BOL-LOCKS! THEY’RE ALL OUT OF THEIR SKULLS! JUST SAY NO!”

The head Dalek announces the immediate cessation of distribution of the drugs. Section four and five groan “COME ON MAN! DON’T BE A BUZZ-KILL! DON’T HOLD OUT ON US LIKE THIS!” But it seems Dalek City now has a zero-tolerance drug policy. THIS IS YOUR BRAIN! THIS IS YOUR BRAIN EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED ON DRUGS! Hard sell indeed. They realise that far from being damaged or hurt by radiation, Daleks thrive on it, and without it they are dying. No prob, bob: they still have that stash of neutron bombs that they bought wholesale at a one-time-only, never-to-be-repeated price - enter coupon code EXTERMINATE for a further ten percent off - and sure, there’s no point in them sitting there in the basement all covered in dust and of no use to anyone, like that Bullworker you bought, used once and then threw into a corner.


"Sorry, Hard-on, it's over. I can't be with a man who won't fight for me. Ian may be a bit of a caveman but -"
"Oh, darling!"
"I've seen the tapes, Ian."

The Daleks decide the Republican environmental approach is best: if you can’t or don’t want to adapt to the environment, adapt the environment to suit you. And if you’re a race that lives on radiation, that’s bad news for all other races. Or, as the Republicans would put it, fuck your feelings. Apparently, all it took was one man fighting for his bird to overthrow centuries of Thall pussyness, and now they’re all fired up and ready to fight. “Let’s DO this thing!” roars one, punching a tree and breaking his wrist probably. Meanwhile, down in the swamp behind the city something stirs. It may be the BBC Radiophonics Workshop. Or it may be mutants. Or it may be mutants from the BBC Radiophonics Workshop. Ian seems to have hit it off with Ganatus, the other Thall of any consequence, and he, along with Barbara and some obvious cannon-fodder redshirts head off to recce the swamp. Lake. Thing. Whatever. Who really cares? “This place sucks,” quips Ian, and nobody laughs, as in 1964 that phrase doesn’t mean what it does today.



" A vortex? A fucking vortex? Who approved the funds for that? I thought we were told we would have to do with a few poxy ripples in the pool?"

You know, having been told there are mutants in the lake near the swamp, it wouldn’t strike me as a great idea to wash my face with the water, but no such concerns bother Ian as he intrepidly splashes stagnant water onto his face. Hopefully he’ll mutate into something less annoying. If there is such a creature. Looks like some sort of giant starfish with glowing eyes rising out of the swamp. Lake. Whatever. Anyway you just know someone’s gonna end up being its new carb-free diet, and so it proves as one of the other Thalls, whose name was mentioned but I don’t care heads down to fill up the water bags, unaware that the starfish thing is about to fill itself up with him. Oh dear.

Next episode is rather appropriately called “The Ordeal”. Yeah.

Comments

I suppose you have to give them some credit for trying to move the story along, but it’s still slower than a snail driving on the Tortoise Expressway. (“Slow down, you maniac!” yells an ancient turtle as the snail passes him by at the breakneck speed of three miles a week. “Wanna get yourself killed?") The Dalek stuff is more funny than intriguing; the bad trip section three goes on is unintentionally hilarious, and Daleks spinning around helplessly reminds me of a Doctor Who game I once had. Using the idea of a neutron bomb was topical for the time, as both the Russians and the Americans had been researching ways to kill maximum humans while leaving buildings and other infrastructure standing, and the neutron bomb was being tested as a means of achieving this. It’s kind of odd to read that the peacenik movement saved us from such a fate, as Reagan had to retire the last of his n-bombs (no, not n-words!) in 1992 as nobody in Europe would have them. No, not even if they got Green Stamps with them, or if for every ten bombs they took they got a free cowboy hat. Yay for the good guys, huh?

But on the planet of the Daleks there are no peaceniks, or if there are they have been exterminated, probably a job given to “Exterminate-Everything Eddie”, and there’s nobody to stop them deploying their neutron bombs. Plus, of course, focus groups on their planet are small and short-lived, literally. “WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS AD-VERT-IS-MENT? YOU DO NOT LIKE IT? YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED! WHAT? OH, YOU DID LIKE IT, DID YOU? YOU HAVE CHANGED YOUR MINDS! YOU ARE NOT RE-LI-AB-LE SOUR-CES. YOU WILL BE EX-TER-MIN-AT-ED!” And so on. And hey, if you need poisonous radiation to live, who cares about others? These are Daleks, man. Daleks. They don’t do feelings, or compromise, or stand in the other guy’s shoes. Well, not unless you count rolling over the dust that used to be the other guy, I guess.

The stubborn pacificism of the Thalls really gets on my wick. I suppose it’s hard to fight with such wide padded shoulders and in such tight pants, but come on! The ladies are watching. Don't you want to be a big brave freedom fighter, and go to your death knowing she occasionally - very occasionally - will think of you and a wistful smile will cross her face? Ian is probably the most annoying he’s been here, and that’s up against some pretty stiff competition with the performance the Doctor puts in, I can tell you. I’m also not clear on exactly how the Daleks are recording the images of the Thalls and the Companions. Was it explained at the beginning? Maybe it was, but I couldn’t hear it over the sound of my head beating repeatedly against the wall.

You know, we’ve had five episodes now and really very little action. This is the planet of the fucking Daleks, you know? Exterminate something already! Don’t just talk about it, do it. Sure, we had the ambush, but really, could you call it a massacre? A poor one, if so. These are the guys who are going to wipe out worlds, planetary systems, whole galaxies - time and reality itself! Don’t you think they could manage more than a few lightly-charred Thalls?

And what of the swamp, or lake, or whatever the damn hell it is? Don’t those starfish things closely resemble what we now know an actual Dalek looks like? Can these be some sort of distant cousin of the mobile pepper pots? And can I stand any more of this? All will be revealed next week, which will probably land me in the dock for indecent exposure, but however.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Oh God, would someone just slap him in the mouth for me? He’s back to that holding the lapels thing, like a college professor or teacher in a Victorian school. That really annoys me. He challenges Ian to a time traveller showdown, but nothing comes of it. His role in this episode basically seems to be sucking up to Barbara, hiding behind her and going “Yeah! That’s right! What she said!” while praising Susan for having faith in him. I mean, all though the damn serial - and the previous one - one burning question has been haunting me: what in the name of blue jumping fuck does he DO? So far all he’s really done is got them caught in the middle of a war (without, I should point out, the prospect of securing any oil fields or resources, as this is, as noted in the first episode, a dead planet) because he wanted to go down to the city and the grown-ups said no. Christ in a full radiation hazmat suit with a geiger counter! What’s the point of him? He even says ruefully “It looks like my little trick has backfired!” It’s a wonder the others don’t say “Backfired? I'll give you fucking backfired! Stupid old fool!”

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E09 - Minus 75/100

Charting the Companions

Reluctantly, though I hate him, I have to give this one to Ian. He’s the one trying to get the Thalls to fight, rather less successfully than Captain Kirk, and get them into the city. He threatens to give the Daleks the Thalls’ precious records, at which they shrug and say “Do it, dude. It’s just some old family movies and letters from dead people anyway. Don’t know why we keep them around.” Seeing this fail as a tactic, he grabs Dymoni and says he’ll take her to the Daleks. “Oh no you ****ing don’t squire!” grunts Hard-on. “Family pictures and embarrassing letters is one thing, but you take your hands off my squeeze! Take THAT!” Unfortunately, the BBC sound technician was busy noting that the dearth of material provided for the female Thalls affords one quite the opportunity to get a nice eyeful, oh my yes, and missed his cue. Since there was no point in trying to add in the sound after Ian had fallen, the sound is left out and it looks, well, as ridiculous as it sounds. But pain in the arse though he is, Ian does the most of the Companions this time around.

His sudden switch from “I won’t ask them to fight for us” to “I only want them to fight if it’s for them” is an odd one, and hard to get my head around. He gets no help from anyone else; Barbara basically challenges his manhood - what use is he, what children of his will she bear if he can’t even turn a peace-loving forest dweller into a bloodthirsty Navy SEAL? Mostly her role here is to nag, nag, and nag some more. And maybe nag a little. And nag. And eventually she drives Ian to action, if it’s only to try to adbuct the pretty Thall and get away from Barbara’s rasping tongue. Susan does just about nothing, though she does climb a tree, for some reason.

Susan: Minus 45/100
Ian: 65/100
Barbara: Minus 20/100

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

"Ian, do you really think now is a good time to demonstrate what a good arm wrestler you are?"

Title of episode: “The Ordeal”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Chronology: 2nd serial, 10th episode overall
Part: 6 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: January 25 1964

Down by the lake, something stirs. The party rush towards the sound of a scream to see nothing but an empty water bag on the shore and a lot of debris floating around a whirlpool-y thing. “Not a worry,” says our man Ganatus. “Obviously yer man fell in, farted in terror as he drowned and that’s what made that whirly thing. Nothing to be concerned about. I never liked him anyway.” Ian says “There’s nothing we can do here”, which I read as “I will be fucked if I’m going in after some bastard I didn’t even know. Let’s get the hell out of here.” And they do, though one of the Thalls seems more upset than the others, and I’d wonder if the one wot done got sucked down by the big starfishy thing was his boyfriend? Hey, when on the planet of the Daleks, ya know? Back at the TARDIS, it’s quite funny how Susan suddenly can’t remember the simplest things, like the points of the compass. “There are corridors,” she tells the Doctor and Hard-On, “leading North, South, East and… and… um, um, er, ah - LINE?!” Well, she doesn’t, but the way she pauses makes it seem like she’s forgotten what comes after east.

The Doctor seems suddenly all pally with the Thalls - obviously only until he gets his doodad back - calling them “My friends”, while Hard-On says of the Daleks “I wish I knew what they had planned for us.” Believe me, me old mate, you don’t. You really don’t. As it goes, the Daleks have heard it will take 23 days before the neutron bomb is ready. They’re not impressed. “FUCK THAT FOR A GAME OF GAL-AC-TIC WAR-RI-ORS!” says Control. “I WANT RAD-IA-TION AND I WANT I NOW!” Meanwhile, Ganatus is getting his hole - oh I mean getting into Barbara’s hole. Well, okay, travelling through a hole - all right all right! A cave! You’re no fun - with Barbara, and I can see sparks flying. Oh no wait: that’s just my overloaded plugboard giving up at last. But there does seem to be some attraction between the tall, handsome Thall and the shy, retiring, prim and proper teacher. Ooooh!



"Heigh-Ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work we go..."

They locate a sort of tunnel and, oh hell I don’t know. I can feel my brain cells dying one by one as I suffer through this. Anyway Ganatus goes down on Barbara - sorry, sorry! goes down while Barbara pays out the rope, but of course she’s a girl and can’t do anything right, so the rope slips and our Ganatus ends up on his arse in a sort of cave. Beneath the cave. If you know what I mean, and if you don’t I don’t care. There are lots of tunnels branching off from this under-cave, so they all swarm down to have a butcher’s. Meanwhile, back in the Dalek city, Control bemoans the lack of digital HD quality visual signals. “ARE THERE PIC-TURES?” he asks, to which another Dalek shrugs “NO, THE RE-CEP-TION IS BAD!” Well, it is the BBC, mate. Know exactly how you feel. Remember ghosting? No? Then sod ya.


"Just stringing you along? Why, Ganatus! Whatever gave you that idea?"

The Thalls plod along through the caves while the Doctor and Susan get back into the city somehow and short out the system: some nonsense about static electricity, the key to the TARDIS and a bag of rubber bands. Well, maybe not the last, but it might as well be, for all the sense this makes. Ian and Ganatus try to out-hero each other as they come, Star Wars-like, to a cliff over which they’re going to have to jump. Please fall, please fall, please … aw. Back in the city, the Doctor’s self-satisfaction at blocking the power to the Daleks quickly fades as the Daleks capture them and let them in on the little surprise they have for the Thalls. Oh, and Ian is about to go over the edge as one of the other Thalls - the one who might be the boyfriend of the starfishy things's breakfast, and who has been moaning about how they're all going to die, is proven right as he jumps and doesn’t make it. Sigh. Oh well, nearly there: one more to go. Be brave, be brave.

Comments

Jesus, this is the worst and most boring episode so far. Nothing really happens, and the little that does is so hard to follow it’s - well, it’s not so much that it’s hard to follow, you just couldn’t be bothered. Again it’s a lot of wandering around doing nothing much - this time in caves - and even the slight excitement of one of the Thalls falling is not enough to lift this piece of tripe out of the rubbish bin. It’s just terrible; incohesive, slow, dull, boring, incomprehensible. After a reasonable cliff-hanger ending last time, it just kind of sticks its hand in its pockets, shrugs and shuffles off uncertainly. It’s hard even to find anything to write about it. Even the Daleks have decided they couldn’t be arsed waiting around for three weeks for the N-Team to get their shit together and sort out a simple neutron bomb. I mean, how hard can it be? It’s not rocket sc - oh. Wait.

Well anyway it’s boredom on steroids, and sadly most of the episode is taken up by the tedious Thalls and Ian doing their version of the seven dwarfs or something. There’s not enough Dalek in it, and when they’re there they’re more kind of cameo roles than anything. Susan makes herself a little useful but is still talking constantly in that annoyingly hysterical scream voice, and the Doctor seems inordinately pleased with himself. I wondered, before this began, why it was called “The Ordeal.” Now I know.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Note: I’m starting a new system wherein each character (including the Doctor) gets ten points if they do something positive, minus ten for something negative or annoying.

Sure, he thinks he’s sorted everything out by cutting the power to the Dalek city, but if he has done, then how is it the Daleks can still move around? Shouldn’t they all be impersonating Collectors’ Edition Boxed Deluxe Dalek Specials, a snip at $99 plus tax and shipping? But they’re rolling, rolling, rolling without a care in the world. So what’s the point? His smugness in this episode is even more annoying than his all but absence in the previous ones, but I suppose he is at least extracting his digit and doing something, so that has to be worth something. His impassioned appeal to the Daleks not to blow them all to kingdom come so they can bask in some lovely gamma rays falls on deaf ears, or it would, if Daleks have ears. Still not impressed. Given that he both does something useful - stretching the meaning of the word to breaking point - and is very annoying, both his scores cancel out and he ends up where he was last episode.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E10 - Minus 75/100

Charting the Companions

As most of the action focuses on him, Ian is the star this time around, leading the Thalls deeper into the cave and then helping them swing across like demented Tarzans, and it’s pretty clear he ain’t too happy about the burgeoning friendship between Ganatus and Barbara. Well, something is definitely burgeoning in Ganatus’s pants, anyway. Maybe we’ll see a fight for Barbara! After all, who cares what she thinks, right?

Speaking of Barbara, she does a little spelunking with Ganatus (it’s a word used for going exploring in caves, you filthy…) so at least she’s making herself useful, though I do find the quip her big brawny new best friend makes a bit pointless, as he says they won’t honour the custom of ladies first that they observe on her planet. How the hell did he know about that? It’s hardly something you’d drop in a casual conversation is it?

Susan is as usual pretty much useless, though she does eventually remember than the fourth direction of the compass is west, and she cleverly works out that the panel the Doctor is trying to open in order to bugger up the city’s power and really piss off the Dalek Electricity Board slides up, and is not on a hinge. Clever girl! Who says they’re only good for making babies?

Ian gets I suppose 20 points as he does all right, while Barbara does more than just sit around crying and claiming they’re all going to die, and wishing she was back marking pupils’ homework, so 10 for her. Susan I can really not award anything to, leaving us with this score at the end of the episode, which pretty much reflects how terrible this one is, and it's got some stiff competition. I almost miss Za. Well, no I don't, but it's a close-run thing.

Susan: Minus 45/100
Ian: 85/100
Barbara: Minus 10/100

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

"Like Trollheart, I feel I have reached the end of my rope!"

Title of episode: “The Rescue”
Title of Serial: The Daleks
Chronology: 2nd serial, 11th episode overall
Part: 7 of 7
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: Terry Nation
Original air date: February 1 1964

I won’t deny I’m relieved to be finally getting to the end of this, and considering this is the one where the Daleks are introduced to the world, this does not bode well for the rest of the series. I mean, I thought once our exterminating friends rolled onto the screen I would be hooked, and the series would start picking up, but, well, that has not been the case. The story, up to now (and I have no reason to assume this final part will change anything) has been dull, slow, plodding, unimaginative and at times downright insulting to my intelligence - Daleks powered by static electricity? Pull the other one mate, it’s got a foot on. Well, what the hell did you expect to be on the end of my leg? Bells? Think you need to see a doctor, pal. Oh, and, word to the wise? Not this one. He doesn’t seem to know his arse from a hole in the ground, or to put it in the parlance of the series, he doesn’t know a sonic screwdriver from Sonic the Hedgehog. Yes, I know the little blue guy has not been designed yet: I’m just trying to stretch out the time and avoid plunging back into the world of mediocrity which formed what the BBC thought was great science fiction television. Oh well, no getting away from it forever. Here we go!

Oh right, yeah. A literal cliffhanger last week, as the moany Thall who wants to go home makes a typical effort at jumping, misses and hangs there on a rope secured to, well, Ian, who now starts to go over the edge. Know how you feel, son! I’m just holding on by my fingernails too! Strangely enough, nobody seems to think of sorting the situation by the simple expedient of cutting the - oh! Look at that! Moany Thall proves himself a man in the end, whipping out his knife and doing the decent thing. As he plunges to his death, Wile E. Coyote-like, with a last final moan and a cry of “I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GONE HOMMMMMMMEEE! Ian is saved. Well, you can’t have everything I guess.


"WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEARN A-BOUT OUR LOY-AL-TY PRO-GRAMME? SCAN WITH YOUR DE-VICE TO CON-TIN-UE!"

Back with the Daleks, we get the first mention of their planet’s name, as Control calls is Skaro, which I think in Dalek language means "shit hole", but I could be wrong. Yeah I am: looking at my Dalek-English dictionary I see I forgot to take the accented second syllable into account: a common mistake. Skaro, then, translates as "irradiated shit hole". Okay. The Daleks want to get out of the city and roll across the planet, luxuriating in the lovely radiation to the stirring tones of Matt Munro singing “Born Free” or something, and anyone who doesn’t like it can stick it up their exterminating probe, apparently. This very definitely includes the Doctor, and you’d have to wonder how he ever becomes their most implacable enemy. He now tells the Daleks he has a ship that can take them off the planet, and when they sneer that his race is not evolved enough to create such a machine, he tells them that they have a part of it here.

“WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?” asks the Dalek.
“A metal rod with metal on either end,” replies the Doctor helpfully.
“OH YES!” responds the Dalek sarcastically, or maybe not. “YOU DO NOT FOR-GET A THING LIKE THAT! LET ME GO CHECK THE LOST AND FOUND DE-PART-MENT!”

Meanwhile Hard-On decides now is the time to attack. They may be farmers, he says, but have they forgotten how to fight? The request of one unnamed Thall for a refresher course, preferably in the six to eight months range, goes unheeded. As the Doctor tries to reason with the Daleks, one says “NOT-THING CAN STOP THE DA-LEKS! EX-CEPT A GEN-TLE SLOPE OR STAIR-CASE. THAT WILL BUG-GER US UP A TREAT. BUT YOU DID’N’T HEAR THAT FROM ME. THE OTH-ERS WILL BE SO MAD! WHY DID I SAY THAT? I AL-WAYS OP-EN MY SPEECH SYN-THES-ISER BE-FORE I EN-GAGE MY POS--I-TRON-IC MAT-RIX! IT’S A REAL PROB-LEM!”


"Doctor, I feel I have to disagree with you when you try to convince me that the BBC are an equal opportunities employer!"

More running around in Santa’s grotto for the Thalls, who have now linked up with Ian and his merry band, none of which, for some reason, can be seen by the Daleks even though they’re LITERALLY STANDING BEHIND THEM. I mean, these things swivel as they go: how can they fail to see a bunch of humanoids standing a few feet behind them? Maybe they’re distracted by the Dalek counting down to their game of Hide-and-Seek: THIR-TY ONE, THIR-TY, TWEN-TY NINE…

It’s good to see our heroes have access to the very latest and most sophisticated weapons available. Um, rocks. Yeah. And they stop a Dalek by, uh, jumping on it and hugging it. STOP IT! STOP IT! EM-OT-ION IS NOT PER-MIT-TED! AW, DO YOU REA-LLY FIND ME CUTE? Jesus Christ! When the power that Ian and his band have knocked out kicks in - as in, when the power stops flowing - and the Daleks start falling over, one actually cries! WAH-HAH! Priceless! Never heard that before. So the Daleks are defeated due to a power cut and then being pushed over. Incredible. How did they ever rise to become Galactic Enemy Number One?

And that’s it. A bit of pontificating from a very smug Doctor who let’s be honest did very little this episode, as in most so far, a bit of sellotape and some chewing gum and we’re off on another adventure.

Comments

Well it certainly lived up to its billing, didn’t it? The final confrontation between the most evil and heartless race in the known universe and humans and Thalls ends with the Daleks being something of a pushover. Literally. I laugh in your general direction, Mr. Nation. That was beyond terrible. After fooling us into thinking this was building up to something, it just fizzles out and we’re left with useless crying Daleks. God almighty. Throughout the entire serial there’s been about as much action as a good episode of Murder, She Wrote, and it’s made a good deal less sense, a claim I do not make lightly. I would say let’s hope for better, but when you’ve had the apex predator, the star turn of the show and they’ve proved to be nothing much, what is there left to look forward to? I can’t help but think the next serial is going to be even worse, and that it’s basically downhill from here for a while, till we at least get some half-decent stories going.

I hesitate to castigate Nation over the serial, but I can’t honestly say it was all that much better than the first. In some ways, it was actually worse. Getting to see the Daleks was good, though not quite the treat I had expected - I know they were a work in progress at this point - but the story itself was about as laughable as something that’s very laughable. If it hadn’t been for the Daleks themselves capturing the public imagination, this could have been the end of Doctor Who.

Maybe we would have all been better off if it had been.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Basically all he does this episode, so far as I can see, is moan at the Daleks that they’re mean, and try to change minds which are about as set in stone as a certain sword for a certain king by a certain wizard. He displays none of the canny alien/mechanical knowledge he will later be famous for, he does nothing to help - in fact, till rescued he’s literally chained to the wall like some oddly-shaped shelf - and then at the end he goes all lapel-holding, nose-in-the-air, I-saved-the-day. To quote the prophet Isiah in Deuteronomy 4:22 - fuck that guy.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E11 - Minus 85/100

Charting the Companions

Susan, like her bloody useless grandfather, spends the episode chained to the wall, which might be kinky if she wasn’t still at school (stop that!) and then tries on a Thall coat and falls over for some reason, to the merriment and laughter of nobody. Barbara follows Ian and has a semi-romantic failure to launch with Ganatus, leaving him standing outside the TARDIS as she does a female Trevor Howard, without the wave from the window. Because, well, there are none. Ian is action man, but I’m getting tired of him and hope he gets eaten by an alien stomach monster in the next serial.

Drat! I’ve looked ahead, and it doesn’t happen. Maybe next time.

Susan: Minus 45/100
Ian: 95/100
Barbara: Minus 20/100

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Trollheart

"No, no Ian! The caveman serial is OVER! Think of your career, man! Is it really worth it?"

With the ill-advised confidence of a skinny kid who goes up to the big bully and taps him on the shoulder, I forge ahead, praying it can get no worse, fearful that this is a vain hope.

Title of episode: “The Edge of Destruction”
Title of Serial: The Edge of Destruction
Chronology: 3rd serial, 12th episode overall
Part: 1 of 2
Doctor: William Hartnell
Companion(s): Susan Foreman, Ian Chesterton, Barbara Wright
Written by: David Whitaker
Original air date: February 8 1964

Oh dear. When the guy can’t even be bothered to title the episode different to that of the serial, it’s not a very good start is it? At least there are only two episodes in this, shortest one yet. So where’s Barry Maguire then? Oh no wait: that’s “The Eve of Destruction”. My mistake. A new writer, so can we hope for better? Well, to be honest, if the great Terry Nation couldn’t pull this out of the shit I don’t hold out much hope that some guy who may or may not be related to the whistling crooner is going to be any more successful, but we’ll see.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdWGp3HQVjU

In an opening scene which is surely to become depressingly familiar, both to me and to the luckless Companions, who are surely wishing they had stayed at home after having faced homicidal Daleks bent on microwaving them and cavemen determined to, um, grunt at them a lot, the TARDIS is once again out of control and doing its own thing. First to regain consciousness is Barbara, who sounds, to be honest, as if she’s, um, having an orgasm. But hold on! This is 1964! This is the BBC! A WOMAN having - ahem - reaching, ah, completion WITHOUT A MAN? Impossible, sir, I tell you! This may be science fiction for the little bra - um, kiddies, but you surely don’t expect US, grown men, to accept such a frankly preposterous claim? The very idea!



"Hey! How about I put something on the juke-box, daddy-o?"
"There any Mozart on that thing?"

Barbara wanders around in the leather pants she no doubt accidentally switched with Ganatus when they were surprised in bed - I wonder if her dress fits him? - already changing her image from staid, prim teacher to rock chick, while Ian murmurs “Five more minutes, mum, please. I have double French today and the teacher hates me. I know I am the teacher. That’s the problem!” For some reason she calls him Ian Chesterton, with a question mark at the end. Why? How many Ians are on the TARDIS? Susan appears and does a good impression of an extra for Night of the Living Dead, and seems to have lost her memory. Good: she won’t remember what a **** actress she is. Her career might be sav - oh no. She’s remembered and she’s already screaming “Grandfather!” Normal service has been resumed. Ian seems to think he’s back on Earth, and in school. The Doctor is lying on his side, doing nothing. Normal service has definitely resumed. Nobody seems to have a fucking clue what’s going on. Like I say…

The TARDIS seems to have lost it too, playing with Ian by opening the doors but then closing them as soon as he walks towards them. Susan is as hysterical as ever; memory loss has not translated into better acting unfortunately, and thankfully she passes out before her fucking high-pitched Psycho-style screaming can do my head in any more. As Ian moves her, on Barbara’s instructions - she seems to be the one running things now; nobody tell the Director General! - the annoying little cu - ah, cute kid goes for him with a long scissory-knife thing, but decides instead to take exception to a kind of cross between a dentist’s chair, a chaise longue and an analyst’s couch, and stabs the living bejaysus out of it. Sure and why not?


"So you wish to join my cult? I said CULT! What's wrong with you people???"

She seems to have gone all creepy cult figure; while Barbara had changed out of her leather strides and into a more becoming skirt and blouse, Susan is wearing some sort of black robe. She seems to be in pain. I can sympathise. The idea seems to be that there’s some alien intelligence on the TARDIS and it’s taken one of them over. I wonder who? Paranoia runs rampant - well, shuffles around looking for something to read, maybe - as each accuse the other of being the invader, the sides drawn along lines of Barbara and Ian vs The Doctor and Screech sorry Susan. What was that the Doctor accused Ian of just now. “While I was lying there unconscious you tampered with my what?” Probably best to move on, nothing to see here.

Barbara finally lets the Doctor have it, reminding him that it was his bloody fault they got trapped in the City of the Daleks and that she was forced to have mad, passionate sex with Ganatus - well, you know, one must do one's part. Or, possibly, one other's part. The Doctor, seeing his stupidity revealed before him (Hooray! She finally calls him a stupid old man, which he is - it needed to be said) does a lot of impotent lapel-clutching and blustering. Hey, it always worked in the eighteenth century! Hold the phone there: “You ought to get down on your knees and spank us?” Oh! OH! THANK us. Right. BBC. 1964. What was I thinking?

Suddenly some strange structure appears. Kind of looks like it someone impacted Disney’s Sleeping Beauty castle between two trucks. Barbara has a sudden headache. Great, thinks Ian. You hadn’t a headache when you vanished into the Petrified Forest with Ganatus! Bet he was petrified all right! Or part of him, anyway. Everyone looks at their watch for some reason (maybe this is sponsored by Timex?)

"When I said this thing needed structure, girls, this is not really what I had in mind."

I can see the ad now. “Stuck on an alien planet, in a box with a crazy old man and a hysterical kid? A malevolent alien intelligence roaming about, intent on sucking out your brain through your ears? Then you’ll be glad you can always tell what time it is, with Timex Watches!”

Would you take a drink from this man??

Everyone wanders around (sound familiar?) looking for something to do, someone to blame, or in the Doctor’s case at one point, someone to serve tea to. I kid you not. Susan apologises to Barbara. Not for attacking her with a knife, oh no: for what her grandfather said to her. Well that’s nice. Seems a bit weird to me that, in a ship apparently the size of a small city, or thereabouts, everyone is sleeping on the couch. Surely the Doctor has a nice four-poster stashed away somewhere? A guest bedroom? A roll-out ****ing sofa bed? No. Just uncomfortable-looking loungers, which look as easy to sleep in as chairs in the emergency room. They also look, as I noted earlier, rather disturbingly similar to those couches people get strapped into when other people of dubious medical qualifications want to do very dubious experiments on them, usually against a backdrop of thunder and lightning, and perhaps the tune of a church organ too. Looks to me like the Doctor is the one who’s been taken over, though at this point it’s hard to find the will to care.

Next, and final episode is called “The Brink of Disaster”. I wonder if that’s a comment on what I rather generously and reluctantly describe as the writing?

Comments

Well, we just go from bad to worse, don’t we? The first serial was, to put it mildly, shit, and the second one, after initial three cheers for the introduction of the Daleks, disappointed in a way I haven’t been since I sent off for a pair of X-Ray specs. Bloody ripoff. This one, however, pushes the bar down to even greater depths. I mean, seriously: what the blue jumping fuck is going on here? It’s twenty-five minutes of nothing. People looking suspiciously at each other, tempers flaring, one member joining or starting a cult by the look of it, the other trying to renew his fight with the Doctor, while Barbara is ready to give him a piece of her mind too. I wonder if, considering there is an alien intelligence knocking around, it’s decided fuck this, I want no part of these losers. There must be some amoeba or something I can take over?

It’s hard to find anything to write about it because there really is nothing to write about. I literally do not know what’s happening. I think the basic idea is, as I say, that the TARDIS has been infiltrated by some alien thing, which is either jumping from one of them to the other (probably going “surely this one - nope! Let’s try our luck with this - oh hell no!”) and causing them all to mistrust and suspect each other, but where it’s all going I don’t know, other than right in the rejection bin with an attached note to advise Mr. Whitaker to see if he can find a job writing lyrics for his cousin Roger. New World in the Morning? Let’s bloody hope so.

Diagnosing the Doctor

Oh Christ on the space shuttle, doing important work fixing satellites and then losing his grip and sailing off into space without an umbilical! Every time I think it’s impossible for Hartnell to get any more annoying, he proves me wrong. His attitude and behaviour here, his smug insistence that he knows everything, when he seems to know fuck-all, makes me want to fire up a chainsaw and introduce him to the Trollheart diet: lose two stone in as many minutes. I can’t even talk about the fucker any more. If he was my teacher I wouldn’t just egg his car, I’d blow it up.

Doctor: First (William Hartnell) - S01E12 - Minus 95/100

Charting the Companions

The only one I can give any real points to here is Barbara, if only because she stands up for womankind and essentially tell the establishment, in the shape of the Doctor to go fuck himself. Also, she looks pretty sexy in those tight leather pants, I must say. Susan’s face annoys me so much now that I want some alien beast to come in and chew it off. Her permanent set frown which can turn so quickly into a scream of hysteria makes me just want to punch and keep punching till it’s raw, bloody… sorry, sorry. Take your pills, Trollheart. Remember what happened last time, for the love of God. You can’t go back to jail! Take the pills.

Ian is basically all but absent, notwithstanding his handbags at twenty paces with the Doctor, and it’s hard to see how any of them cover themselves in glory here. Mind you, in their defence, they don't seem to have been told what to do, and just mostly stand around arguing and bickering and bitching. Hey. It’s like my house at Christmas. Apart from the people, that is. And the good cheer. And the presents. And the booze.

Susan: Minus 55/100
Ian: 85/100
Barbara: Minus 10/100

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018