The Very Best of Trollheart 2011 - 2019
 

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I think everyone here who knows me will agree that for the last seven or eight years I have straddled the journals section like some sort of colossus, casting a long shadow that can never be equalled.
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Right. More like this kind of shadow...
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Yeah, well, what can't be argued is that I've written a lot of crap. I mean, a lot. Some of it was even good. I claim credit for having kicked life back into what was, at the time, a pretty struggling section and revitalising interest in it, for a certain amount of years (the Golden Age of the Journal?) as people who had never considered writing a journal suddenly decided they'd give it a go. It was, you may or may not be interested to know, me who convinced Unknown Soldier to write a journal, which gave us the superlative Pounding Decibels: A Hard and Heavy History, acknowledged as one of the most authoritative and comprehensive amateur sources available on the subject of hard rock and heavy metal. Though US no longer posts here, his legacy lives on, and I like to think I had a small part in that.

I was also the first, I believe, to attempt more than one journal at a time - leading to the dysfunctional and ever-expanding family I deal with now - the first to look outside music for my inspiration, with my television journal, and now write about everything from movies to history and mythology to comics (yes Batty, I know it was your idea first). In my wake others have followed, creating journals about video games, drugs, travel, beer and a host of other things, and again I like to think I was something of a trailblazer for this explosion of creativity.

But writing so much can be a two-edged sword: quality above quantity is the old adage, and while I wouldn't necessarily consider much if anything I wrote to be of poor quality, some of it is undoubtedly better than others. Having so many journals now, and more to come, it's inevitable that some of the better work may have been missed by some of you.

Well, now it's your chance to miss it all over again in

I'm sure I don't need to explain what's going on here. I'll be sifting through my journals and choosing the best, funniest, most interesting or weird entries, and reproducing them here. I'll also be reprinting some of the best comments and some of the many knock-down rows that took place within my journals.

There'll be album reviews, features, films, TV shows, gods and demons, exploration, graphic novels and comic reviews, and a whole lot more besides. Hey, with over 25 journals and almost a million views combined, there's a lot to choose from!

So to paraphrase this guy
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Come with me, and you'll be in a world of pure Trollheartation.
Or, you know, don't.
But if you miss something good
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Originally Posted in: The Playlist of Life
Original Posting Date: April 27 2014
Status: On hiatus
Post type: Article
Media: Television

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Let me tell you about television when I was growing up. No, not the programmes, but the actual sets themselves. Yeah, we called them “television sets” back then. Those of you who have grown up knowing a television has a flat screen, is very thin and can be controlled remotely do not know how good you have it. I lived through an era where even the concept of remote control was once unknown, and if you wanted to change the channel (or “station”, as we had it back then), you had to - gasp! - get up out of your chair! What, I hear you say? Was this the Stone Age you lived in, Trollheart?

It’s true though. It was some time into my teens maybe before we got our first telly with remote control, and it wasn’t the compact flat little thing you think of today as being your remote. Oh no. This was big. Probably about as big as one of those 200-packs of cigarettes you get when you go away on holiday, and about as thick. It was heavy and - wait for it - was tethered to the television by a cable, something like they used to use for operating camera shutters remotely. You probably don’t remember that either, do you, in these days of electronic digital timers. Indeed, even digital cameras were not always here and people had to use manual cameras and get the film “developed”. But that’s a story for another time.

Of course, our old remotes did little more than change the channel and control the volume, possibly the brightness too. After all, our tellys were serious beasts. You wouldn’t lift one on your own. They were fat, wide things with no real handgrips and the only way you could take a hold of one was to tip the screen towards you and grab the back of it and then stagger along with it hoping you didn’t trip over anything! The screen was curved. There was no flatscreen back in my youth. Everyone was used to seeing the very edges of the picture bend out very very slightly, and the screens were thick! The television was also set in a cabinet of sorts. Whereas today your telly is basically a big monitor/screen with some controls and a stand, back in the seventies and eighties they were made of wood, fashioned like a cabinet into which the screen sat, with the controls either under the screen or to one side, and often more on the back.
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You’ll note that the screen appears green. Well it was. Don’t ask me why. Probably something to do with the kind of glass they used in them. And it was glass too: if you pinged your fingernail or rapped your knuckles on the screen you would hear the hollow, slightly ringing sound glass makes. The speaker (mono only of course) was down there at the right, with the controls, such as they were, above it. Mostly these consisted of a volume knob, channel buttons and brightness control. Most channel buttons were pushed in to select the channel but could also be turned. Why? I’ll tell you in a moment.

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That’s what they looked like around the back. None of your USB jacks or stereo audio inputs, and HDMI was an acronym that would not be invented for decades. As you can see, there are ventilation slots in the back, and they were necessary because these machines got HOT! If you touched the back of one while it was running, well you wouldn’t burn your hand but you would certainly feel it. You can see this one had knobs on the back too. They were for tuning.

Unlike today’s tellys, which come either pre-tuned or which, with a touch of a button can find all the channels and tune them in to pin-sharp clarity, older tellys were not generally tuned in. If you rented --- or, if you were quite well-off, bought --- one, you would usually have to look forward to more than an hour of trying to tune in the television. If your tuning selectors were on the front of the unit you were lucky, if not then you would either have to have someone else turn them at the back while you watched the screen, or stretch your arm around the back of the set while craning your neck to see if the reception was coming in. Channels didn’t just appear: you tuned and tuned till you heard a ghostly, whistly noise and then slowly the image would appear. Once you had the station, and knew which one it was, you did whatever it was you had to do to commit it to memory: some TVs worked on the basis of you popping out the selector knob (ooerr!) turning it and then once you had tuned it push it back in, and the selection was saved. Others worked different ways. To be honest, I don’t remember the fine details: it was a long time ago, and each set worked differently in this regard.

Once you had one channel tuned in you moved on to the next, selecting the next knob down after making either a mental note of the name of the station you had just tuned in or marking it with a sticker on the button so you knew where to go when you wanted to get that channel again. Inevitably, as all the channels were broadcast on the same wavelength, you would come across the channel you had already tuned as you went, and cries of delight would quickly turn to disappointment as the family realised we had already got this channel.

And on it would go, till all channels were tuned in. Then we would sit proudly back and confidently press button 1 for BBC 1, button 2 for RTE and so on, and be very happy with ourselves. Of course, if someone accidentally tuned the station out afterwards --- I’ll explain why that might happen in a moment --- then you had to go through the whole process again, at least for that station. And if someone mislabelled the buttons, or the stickers fell off, well just hope you had a good memory otherwise you were due to spend more time clicking around, trying to find the programme you wanted, usually thirty seconds before it was due to be broadcast (for the one and only time).

And then there was what we used to call “ghosting”. In these days of digital television and High Definition channels, everyone expects and gets perfect pictures every time. But not back in my day. We used to have to rely on a company now called UPC and previously Cablelink, but I can’t recall what it was originally called, to provide us with television channels other than the local one. This was generally referred to as “The piped”, as it was piped into our homes. “Piped --- often shortened to pipe --- TV” was the thing to have. Ireland had at the time only one channel, RTE, the national channel and if you wanted more you had to have a television aerial on your roof.
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These were tall, unwieldly things which stood usually on a metal stand or tube and had to be on the roof in order to get any sort of reception. They rarely failed, but if a storm took yours down, or if birds messed with it, your tv could be knocked out. Those wishing for a simpler solution, and willing to receive only the national channel, could use a pair of “rabbit’s ears”, a small indoor aerial that plugged into the back of the telly and then stood on top of the set. The drawbacks of these were many. First, they were anything but stiff as time went on, and the times I remember trying to force one arm to stand up while the other collapsed and fell over, the picture for a moment sharp (or as sharp as you could get with rabbit’s ears!) on the screen before it dissolved in a sea of static to a chorus of disappointed groans. Secondly, although most TVs were flat on top they weren’t very wide --- wider than today’s almost-not-there models certainly, but the base of a pair of rabbit’s ears was quite wide itself, so often you would stick it on the back of the TV, as in the second image above. Problem with that was that the back of the TV was curved and sloped downwards, so inevitably after a while the rabbit’s ears would begin its slow journey down the TV, slip off the end and bang would go your reception! Not only that, but with a pair of rabbit’s ears you could ONLY get your channel in if the ears were positioned a certain way AND LEFT THERE. The slightest deviation of even one of the “ears” and your programme was gone. So when the unit fell off the tv naturally the arms flopped all over the place and you were looking at some time trying to get the channel back in. All the while, of course, your never-to-be-repeated programme was continuing without you!
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“Just get it on the plus one channel!” I hear you youngsters yell knowledgeably and perhaps a little derisively. Would it surprise you to know that there have not always been plus-one channels, that they are in fact a relatively recent invention? So indeed are repeats of the same show either that day or later in the week. When I was growing up if you missed the show you missed the show. There was no catch-up channel, no repeat and they didn’t even do those “previously on…” segments. You really were lost, unless you could find someone who had seen the show and fill you in.

But back to ghosting. What was it? Well, before digital television became the norm, we all received analogue signals. Since they all transmitted on the same wavelength it occurred rather regularly that the signal for one would become stronger than for the other, and it would bleed in to the weaker channel. I don’t know the technical specifics; we just knew it as “bad reception”, probably a figure of speech that would be totally alien to some of you, unless you were thinking in terms of a badly-planned wedding. But it happened all the time, so much so that when you got home and wanted to watch your favourite programme you prayed silently to the television gods that not only would the reception be good, but that it would stay good for the duration of your show, as ghosting could occur at any time and at any point during transmission.

The net effect was that you were looking at, say, Captain Kirk walking along an alien desert,, while in the background a faded, grainy image of a newscaster could be seen. Or “Match of the Day” was suddenly invaded by ice skaters or cartoon figures. The sound would also be affected, so you would hear the programme you were watching (or trying to watch!) and then a buzz, a hiss of static, and “Luton Town, nil. Shrewsbury Rovers two, Dagenham, one.” and so on. Very annoying but very common, and there was literally nothing you could do about it. Not that we didn’t try. Screaming, shouting, cursing, and when none of that worked, blaming our mother and finally trying to “tune in” a channel that was already perfectly tuned, often losing the signal in the process so that the channel that had been ghosting through suddenly came through strongly, as Mister Spock turned to Captain Kirk with a concerned look on his face and a glance at the sky, and say “Sir I think THAT WAS A FANTASTIC GOAL! OH CITY REALLY HAVE IT ALL TO DO NOW!” Cue much cursing, banging of the top of the telly (this always worked) :rolleyes: and frustrated noises, threats to “put me foot through that effin’ thing!” and a general air of grumpiness descending.

We had no twenty-four hour television either. Usually around midnight or 1am the Irish national anthem would play and we would know there was no more to be seen that night. Test cards replaced the final programme like this one
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and pop, classical or sometimes supermarket music would take over. Also, the channel would not be on-air during the day, so until maybe early afternoon if you tuned in this is what you would more than likely see, again accompanied by music
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Finally the music would fade out and the announcer (a real one, not just a voiceover) would appear and welcome us to the channel, telling us what was on that day and then the first cartoon or whatever of the day would begin. If you were off sick from school you could not rely on the telly to keep you entertained, that’s for sure. Unless you enjoyed shopping music.

There were of course no video recorders. We didn’t get our first one till I was about fifteen, and then it was a big event. The idea that you could tape a show and then watch it later? Pause it? Rewind it? Man, state of the art! What a time to be living in! And by now we had progressed on to infra-red remote controls, which were much smaller (generally; some were still bloody huge) and needed no connection to the TV in order to work. The Space Age had arrived!

So now we could record all the shows we enjoyed and keep them, for watching whenever we wanted! Cool! I remember renting two video recorders, specifically so that I could wire them up together with SCART leads. I would record my shows on one, then wind the tape back, put a blank one in the second VCR, and go through the show again, recording it but this time stopping the recording at the beginning of each advertisement break and starting it again when the break was over. In this way I made shelves full of tapes of my favourite shows --- Buffy, Angel, Star Trek, Babylon 5 etc --- with no breaks at all, and yes, I made special covers for them. I was a super nerd!

You may or may not be interested to know that I only made the move to a flatscreen TV a years or so ago. Up till then I had been fine with my big chunky CRT (Cathode Ray Tube, basically a wide fat TV) set until one day it just died on me, and I was forced to make the switch up to HD and flatscreen. While I would not wish for those days back again --- the idea of ghosting is now gone forever, and good riddance: it ruined more than one programme for me --- I still think fondly of those old cabinet televisions and wonder if they’ll ever make a comeback, even in a “retro” style, with maybe a flatscreen inside the cabinet? Probably not though: they were, I have to admit, bulky, heavy, often ugly, loud and they got hot easily. And yet, they broke but seldom. In these days when we buy a new TV and expect to be replacing it within five or ten years, our old sets back in the 70s and 80s were very reliable and were usually only replaced due to upgrade rather than necessity. And screen size was not the social status symbol it is now. Some people had small TVs, some had portable ones (fourteen-inch screen or less) and some had big, ostentatious twenty-eight or even thirty0two inch ones. But nobody who had a small telly was that bothered if their neighbour had a bigger one, or if they were, didn’t show it that I saw.

So next time you plug in your brand new HDTV and watch the channels pop up in front of your eyes, or next time you view your favourite HD channel and marvel at the clarity --- or bitch that it isn’t quite pin-sharp enough for you --- spare a thought for what these televisions had to go through to get to where they are today. They’re not the pinnacle of technological evolution, far from it. But they began from very humble origins, and they owe their dominance of our viewing habits to their elderly grandfathers, who at one time would not even have recognised the term remote control.

Happy viewing, you lucky people!

Yep, you have made an exceptional contribution, TH. Among your many good ideas was that Weekly Journals Update that you used to put in the Announcements thread. :clap:

:rofl:

Originally Posted in: Of Gods and Men
Original Posting Date: February 22 2015
Status: In second incarnation
Post type: Article
Media: Literature

The Trojan War

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Pantheon: Greek
Class: War
Featured: Achilles, Paris, Priam, Hector, Helen, Agamemnon, Menelaus

It was the abduction of Helen, the wife of King Menalaus of Sparta, by Paris, prince of Troy, that began the war that lasted ten years, and took so many lives, resulting in the total destruction of the city of Troy, and the surrounding countryside, and the end of its dynasty.Paris, promised by Aphrodite the most beautiful woman on Earth as his wife, was told by the goddess to go to Sparta, where he met Helen, with whom he soon formed a strong bond of friendship, and then something more intimate, culminating in the eloping of Helen and Paris. The fugitive couple fled to Troy, where Helen married Paris.
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Meanwhile, Menalaus sought the advice of the wise Nestor, who told him that the only way to regain his and Helen's honour was to mount a war-party to attack Troy, and endeavour to take his wife from them by force. Acting on this advice, Menalaus set about forcing the other suitors for Helen's hand before him to make good on the oath they had sworn, that they would all rise to Menalaus' aid, should he need it, and mounting a great warfleet, sailed for Troy.

Agamemnon, Menalaus' brother, was elected to command the fleet, and they assembled at Aulis, over one thousand ships in all, the largest fleet ever mounted. While at anchor in Aulis, they observed a strange phenomenon: a serpent coiled itself around a plane tree, on which was a sparrow's nest with nine young birds therein. The snake devoured the young birds, but on attacking the mother, was instantly turned to stone. Kalchas, the high priest, divined this omen as proof that they must fight nine years around Ilium--or Troy--and on the tenth take the city.

The Greek fleet then set sail, but landed by mistake in Mysia, where the king, Telephos, resisted the invaders fiercely. There he received a wound from Achilles, which would not heal. The Greeks returned to Aulis, and Telephos, following them and being cured of the wound by Achilles, offered to lead the fleet to Troy, an offer the invaders gratefully accepted.

Finally reaching Troy, the Greeks met the defending forces, led by Priam's eldest son, Hector. They beat back the Trojans, but suffered considerable losses, and Agamemnon, seeing that the Trojans would not willingly hand over Helen, prepared to lay siege to the town. During the many raids that the Greeks mounted on the surrounding territories, they captured in particular Chryseis, a daughter of Chryses, a priestess of Apollo, who
appealed to the god for assistance. Apollo sent a plague to ravage the Greek forces, and Agamemnon, enquiring of Kalchas how the god could be appeased, was told that the beautiful Chryseis must be released. The Greek commander, however, accused Kalchas of being in league with Achilles, to which the Greek hero responded by withdrawing all of his forces from the Greek camp.
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Thetis, the mother of Achilles, begged Zeus to decree that as long as her son remained at odds with his allies, the Greeks would be defeated in every encounter, and so it came to be. The Trojans, emboldened by the retreat of Achilles and their repeated successes, sallied forth from their city walls, and succeeded in driving the invaders back to their ships, where the Greeks took refuge. Agamemnon, realising that he needed Achilles, sent emissaries to the hero's pavilion, imploring him to reconsider and rejoin the siege, promising that Achilles should have his own daughter's hand, and seven towns as a dowry. But Achilles would not relent, and the tide of battle continued to turn against Greece.

The end seemed in sight when the Trojans, under Hector, had stormed the Greek camp and set some of their ships on fire, but Patroklos begged
Achilles to loan him his famous armour, and thus clad he went against the
Trojans, pushing them back from the camp, back to the walls of Troy. But not satisfied with this, Patroklos pursued Hector himself until, in single combat with the Trojan prince, he fell. This was the spur to action that Achilles needed. Reconciling himself to his countrymen, the Greek hero strode forth, bringing his forces back to the battle.

Under Achilles' sword Hector fell, and the Trojan ranks fled in disarray, but
unappeased by the death of the hero of Troy, Achilles bound the corpse to his chariot and dragged it around the walls of the city three times, before casting it face down in the dirt, in the Greek camp. The gods were not happy with such dishonourable conduct, and they took care of the body of Hector, also softening the heart of Achilles, so that when King Priam came to respectfully beg the body of his son, Achilles gave it willingly and with great reverence. Patroklos was buried with all due honours.

As the Greeks and Trojans mourned each their fallen heroes, an army of
Amazons arrived to fight on the side of the defenders, and their leader, the beautiful Penthisilea, met Achilles in single combat, and by his hand was slain. He, however, practiced none of the indignity on her body that he had on that of Hector, praising her valour and strength, and handing over her body for decent burial to her people. There was one in the Greek camp however who felt no such kinship with the Amazon. He was called Thersites, and he stabbed Penthisilea through the eye as she lay on the ground. For this act Achilles killed him on the spot.
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Diomedes, however, a relation of Thersites, was aggrieved at this treatment of his brother, and demanded of Achilles the usual sum of money, in reparation for the killing. Achilles, incensed at this, took umbrage and once again abandoned the Greek cause, taking ship to Lesbos, to which Odysseus had to be sent to bring him back. On Achilles' return, a new hero entered the Trojan camp, Memnon, son of Eos. He met and fought in single combat with the Greek hero, and as the two fought on Earth, their respective mothers on Olympus each petitioned Zeus for victory for her son. Zeus, weighing the fate of each in the balance of Moera, found that Memnon was fated to die. Flying to the battlefield, Eos found her son already dead.

But it was not long before Achilles himself died, shot by an arrow drawn by Paris.The body of the great hero was carried back to the Greek camp by Ajax and Odysseus, fighting all the way, and buried with great pomp and splendour. Achilles' armour was offered to one of the two heroes who had brought back his body, and it was Odysseus who received it, Ajax, thinking himself unworthy, fell on his own sword and died.

Meanwhile Helenos, the son of King Priam, was captured by the Greeks and forced to tell of the manner in which the city might be taken. Helenos, like his sister Cassandra, had been endowed with the power of prophecy, and he told under duress that three things would be needed to compass victory for the Greeks. These were the bow and arrows of Hercules, at present held by Philoktetes, the assistance of Achilles' son, Neoptolemos, and the possession of the Palladium, the image of Pallas-Athene, which stood in the citadel of Troy.

The help of Achilles' boy was no problem:the youth was willing and eager to take part in the war and prove his manhood. The bow and arrows of Hercules, on the other hand, meant that Odysseus had to travel to Lemnos, and convince Philoktetes to return with him, where the first of the defenders to fall to the Greek hero's arrows was Paris. The Trojans, afraid now to come out and face the fearsome arrows of Philoktetes, shut themselves up inside the walls of Troy. Then Odysseus stole into the city, and daringly stole the Palladium from under the noses of the Trojans.

Victory now within their grasp, the Greeks had now to devise a method of entering the city, and for this they turned to Odysseus, who in turn
consulted Athene. The goddess suggested that Epeios, a famous sculptor, should construct a fabulous horse of wood, which would be hollowed inside, with room for a complement of Greek soldiers. This model was built, and the Greeks left Sinon bound in the attitude of a sacrifice, the horse standing outside the gates of the city, and pretended to sail away in defeat.
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Although warned by Laokoon not to accept the gift, Priam had the Wooden Horse brought into the city, and also Sinon, whom he freed, and the Trojans spent the night celebrating and toasting their victory over the superior force. Sinon it was who, when all of the Trojans had fallen into a drunken sleep, released the catch on the side of the horse and welcomed his countrymen into the city. The Greek soldiers (Odysseus and Diomedes among them) then silently opened the city gates, signalled to the ships lying off the coast, which returned. The full Greek force entered the city, descending savagely on the surprised and bleary Trojans, and slew most of them, King Priam himself falling to Neoptolemos, the Greeks torching the city and carrying off the women and riches.
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Menalaus, reconciled to his now contrite wife, took Helen back with him, the other Greek heroes taking the more beautiful or noble Trojan women, and the fleet returned to Sparta. Thus ended the ten-year Trojan War, and so came to pass the prophecy made by Cassandra at the birth of Paris.

Originally Posted in: Trollheart's Box Office (though actually originally in The Couch Potato, hence two dates below)
Original Posting Date: January 25 2017 (actual first post date August 5 2013)
Status: Active
Post Type: Review
Media: Film

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Title: Downfall (Der Untergang)
Year: 2004
Genre: War/Historical
Starring: Bruno Ganz as Adolf Hitler
Alexandra Maria Lara as Traudl Junge
Ulrich Matthes as Josef Goebbels
Corinna Harfouch as Magda Goebbels
Julianne Kohler as Eva Braun
Heino Ferch as Albert Speer
Ulrich Noethen as Heinrich Himmler
Thomas Thieme as Martin Bormann
Director: Oliver Hirschbiegel
Writer: Bernd Eichinger

There are, of course, as everyone knows, hundreds, maybe thousands, or more, war films. This is not surprising, when you consider that the Second World War was over seventy years ago now, and there has been a steady stream of directors, writers and actors who either took part in the greatest war the world has ever known, or wish to pay tribute to those who did. It was a massive world event, and it's only right it should be commemorated on film, both to praise the courage of those who fought and died for our freedom and to warn future generations against another such conflict.

But the vast majority of these films have, not surprisingly, looked at the war from the side of the Allies. You would expect that: the Allies won, after all, and who doesn't like to celebrate a victory, particularly one which, ostensibly, freed the world from tyranny. War movies, on the other hand, seen from the perspective of the Germans appear to be few and far between. Again, this is no surprise: Germany both started and lost the war, and at its conclusion had to carry the stigma of being on the losing side. In post-war Europe, Germans were seen as much as pariahs as Jews were in pre-war and wartime Germany. So they weren't exactly going to be queuing up to tell their side of the story.

Not that there would be much to tell. As long as you stick to history and don't try to distort it, there's not a lot of good to be seen from the German side. Naturally, as in any war, there were good men and women on both sides, ordinary people who fought for a cause they believed in. These people were generally not terribly politically motivated: they fought for their country and their family, and their honour, and they believed in what they were struggling for. Most may not have known about the atrocities being committed in their name, though it must be supposed some if not all must have had some idea of what was going on. But these were not politicians, or SS guards, or Gestapo officers. These were just men (mostly) who hoped to live to the next day, to return one day to see the families they had left behind. They were men who shivered in the freezing Russian winter, swatted at the flies and sweated in the baking sun of the African desert, or flew in bombers or fighters over England or Europe, anxious to complete the mission and get home safely.

While of course we must be careful not to over romanticise or too closely sympathise with these people, films like Enemy At the Gates and Das Boot do a good job of showing us that not all Germans were ravening, evil Nazis who wanted to take over the world and considered certain races subhuman. Wars are not won - or lost - by mad genius and canny commanders alone. Without the ordinary footsoldiers to do their bidding such men would languish in dark rooms, plotting their schemes but never able to put them into practice. The only casualties would in all likelihood be plastic or tin soldiers. Without willing manpower, wars would never occur. More's the pity, there's always willing manpower.

Now, I could not say with any degree of certainty that this is the best of the German-made war movies I've ever seen, as I've seen very little; a handful at best. But of the ones I've seen it is far and away the jewel in the crown, and I was extremely impressed by it. The fact that it runs for over three hours, is in black and white and subtitled makes the fact I not only lasted through it, but was disappointed when it was over, even more special. I'm not a great one for subtitled movies, though you'll see a few crop up in this journal from time to time.

So, the movie. Well, as I say it's a long one - over three hours in some cuts - and of course most of the story will be known by anyone who knows anything about World War II, so I'll be briefly skipping over the plot, otherwise we'll be here all night. Essentially, the movie opens in November of 1942, with the Reich three years away from defeat but at the moment the power in Europe, indeed the world, though by now the Japanese are no doubt making their presence felt on the other side of the world. Hitler is looking for a secretary, and has called five of the best to his retreat. He talks to them all briefly before selecting Traudl Humps, whom he then engages to take his dictation. The film is told as part of her recollections, her memoirs if you will.

At this late stage of his wartime career, with the debacle of Stalingrad behind him and the Battle of Britain lost, with his abortive Russian campaign in tatters, Hitler looks old and tired, but to the women he appears benign. More that that: to German women (and men) he is no less than a god, a fearless leader, the man who has promised to return them to their former glory, and despite the setbacks thus far most have still great confidence in der Fuhrer.

The narrative switches two and half years on. It is now April 1945, and even as the Allies, led by the Red Army, close in on Berlin preparations are under way for Hitler's 56th birthday. He, however, is more angry to find how close the enemy is to his capital; apparently he was unaware they had advanced this far. Himmler wishes him to leave the city, afraid that if he stays, when Berlin falls there will be no opportunity to sue for peace. All ministries are abandoning the city, burning or otherwise destroying their files, but Hitler refuses to leave, saying he's tired. Himmler decides to contact the Allies, believing his Fuhrer doomed and seeing his own rise to power, even if it's only at the sufferance of the soon to be victorious Allies.

Hitler is not about to admit defeat, ordering armies that are ten times smaller than their Russian enemies into battle, even though his generals ask how it is supposed to be done, and know the war is lost. Goebbels, the propaganda minister, ever the politician, says that the Americans will side with them against the Russians. Hitler refuses to allow the evacuation of the old and the wounded, the women and children. He wants to pull everyone down with him into his own personal Gottedamerung; he believes the German people have failed him. Their will has not been strong enough, their faith in him has deserted them and they have become weak. They deserve to die. Everyone deserves to die.

His generals begin to discuss what is to be done. The Fuhrer is losing - has lost - touch with reality, and everybody now wants to do anything they can to save their own necks. Even ending up in an Allied prison has to be a better choice than dying pointlessly here in the bunker, or out in the streets of the rapidly-collapsing centre of the Reich. Traudl Humps berates herself for taking the job as Hitler's secretary, since this has now quite possibly made her a target, more than just a German girl. Eva Braun, determined to deny reality as much as Hitler, declares they will go upstairs and have a party, and while Berlin shakes to the explosions of artillery shells and plaster falls from the ceilings, the lights going off then on again, she immerses herself in her own personal fantasy, pretending that what is going on outside is not happening, probably because to face such a solid fact is to court insanity, or at least, a different type of insanity. But when a shell hits the room and they are all driven back underground like rats scurrying back to their sewer, reality isn't long about establishing itself.

SS Doctor Schenke, searching for medical supplies to be brought to the bunker, finds a hospital wherein there are only corpses and abandoned patients; everyone else, including doctors and nurses, have fled. Hitler continues to orchestrate phantom strategies, but when he is told one of the generals, whose attack was central to his plan, could not do so, he flies into a rage. He does not seem to be able to grasp the fact that the general did not disobey orders: he failed to attack because it was impossible for him to. His force was outnumbered and in reality, the only strategy the Nazis have now is defence, and even that is a poor possibility. Any talk of attack, turning the tide, surprise offensives, is pure madness.

From outside his office everyone can now hear as Hitler gives vent to his fury, talking about executing his generals, how everyone is against him, and it's quite clear now that he has passed beyond the limits of denial and into total, dumb, unreasoning and illogical insanity. He is almost foaming at the mouth, blaming everyone else for his gargantuan failure to win the war, and there is a light in his eyes like the fires of hell. Women outside cry, men shake their heads as they finally realise and accept the terrible, inescapable truth: that their Fuhrer, the man they have looked up to for the last seven years or more, the man who was to have put Germany back on its feet and who would lead them to a glorious new dawn, is gone, and in his place is a rabid lunatic who is determined to take them all down with him when the city burns and the Russians arrive to lay waste to everything.

Magda Goebbels and their children arrive at the bunker. The parents have made a suicide pact, and it includes slaying their five children. Hitler has since slid back into his fantasy world, telling General Keitel that they must rebuild the Reich. He rages at a telegram from Goerring (who is never seen in the movie; odd, as he was one of the pivotal figures of the Nazi movement and second-in-command to Hitler himself) where the Reichsmarshall asks for permission to take over the reins of power. Hitler considers it treason of course, and lays the blame for everything that has gone wrong at his feet. He declares Goerring is to be stripped immediately of all his power, and should Hitler not survive the war he is to be executed as a traitor.

Speer comes back to the bunker, but he has not come to die with Hitler; he has come to say goodbye to the Fuhrer. He calls in on Magda, trying to get her to see the selfishness and pointlessness of killing her children, but she truly believes a world without the Nazi party is not one she wants them growing up in. He goes then to see Hitler, pleading for mercy for the German people, but Hitler does not care about the people. He actually wants them all to die, as he considers them unworthy. Speer then admits that he has disobeyed the "scorched earth" orders Hitler had given, to destroy everything that stood, in order that some part of Germany have some hope of survival and rebirth. The Fuhrer hardly seems to hear him; he does not rage, he does not condemn, he does not demand reasons. He is an old man now; tired, spent, defeated. He waits for death, even as his city, his country, waits for the final blow as the Allied forces smash into the city, tasting victory.

Even so he appoints another head of the Luftwaffe, now that he has dismissed, in his absence, Goerring and branded him a traitor. He still believes somewhere in his addled mind that the German air force can be rebuilt, that it will be afforded the chance to be resurrected. But when word comes through of Himmler's attempts to surrender in the name of the Nazis, he is infuriated. The one man who he had always considered loyal, a kindred spirit, turns out to be a traitor? He can't believe it, and another little chip is knocked off his sanity. So much so that he tells his inner circle that he has decoyed the enemy into attacking Berlin, and that even now his generals are massing in the north and the south, waiting to come in in a pincer movement and surround the Allies, winning the day for Germany and delivering the crushing blow that will both liberate Berlin and bring about the final victory for the Nazis in the war.

Of course, no such attack is being mounted. His generals are scattered far and wide, their power completely depleted and the best they can hope for is to survive long enough to escape, surrender or die with their armies. There will be no salvation for Berlin, no last cavalry charge, no incredible escape from the fate that is now bearing down upon it. Hitler's armies are gone, his city is doomed and his rapidly-unravelling sanity cannot cope with this, so he makes himself believe that it is all part of his plan, and that he will in the end, through brilliant strategy, save the day.

Like the Roman Empire in Caligula's day, Berlin has descended into an anarchy of hedonism. Those who realise they cannot get out of the city have decided to throw all inhibition to the wind, and enjoy their last hours before the Russians arrive. Booze, drugs, sex: it's all available to those who want it, and Berlin looks on as her denizens, her children, forget her and leave her to her own devices; as she prepares for rape and destruction, they have all essentially abandoned her.

Traudl Junge (now married) is called to type up Hitler's will, and the Fuhrer marries Eva Braun. It's interesting to note that Hitler sees himself as above his own law, as when he is asked - as he has set down must be asked under the racial law - to prove he is of Aryan descent before getting married, he shrugs off the question irritably. He is the Fuhrer; the law does not apply to him. Braun marries Hitler, even though he has just had her brother-in-law executed as a traitor, and knowing their marriage will only last a few hours at best. He makes arrangements to have his body and hers burned after their mutual suicide, fearing that the Russians would display his corpse if they were to get their hands on it, as surely they would. He even has his own dog put down, unwilling to allow the animal live on after he has died. Eva Braun, now Eva Hitler, makes Traudl Junge promise her that she will try to get out of Berlin before it is overrun, and she agrees.

Frau Goebbels makes a desperate, impassioned plea to the Fuhrer at the end, trying to make him change his mind, leave Berlin instead of take his own life, but there is a weary finality in Hitler's eyes which is not mirrored in the almost dancing madness that shows in the eyes of his new wife. With a crazy wide smile on her lips, Frau Braun looks almost eager to die, as if this will accord her some great honour, rather than seal her fate as one of the most hated and perhaps pitied, certainly ridiculed, women in history. Soon it is done, and the bodies of the man who would be ruler of the world and his wife of a few hours are taken outside and burned, as per his last orders.

Out in the burning, blasted streets a weird sort of symmetry holds court: loyal Nazis arrest and hang people they see as cowards or traitors, despite the death of their leader, while weaving through these death parties, revellers and drunks sway and totter their way towards oblivion, insensate to what is going on around them. If there is a Hell, Berlin must come close to being that place at this moment. Magda Goebbels has a Nazi doctor administer a sedative to her children; her chilling "Goodnight children" are the last words the children will ever hear, for once they are asleep she returns with poison capsules for them all. It's only as the last is administered that she allows herself a brief moment of weakness, sliding down the wall outside their dormitory. But when her husband tries to comfort her she shakes off his hand angrily. It seems that she blames him for things having come to this pass. Though she idolised and loved Hitler, perhaps now she wonders what their life might have been like had they never allied with him?

Frau Junge finally decides the time has come to make her move, and begins preparations to leave the city. Disguised as an ordinary German footsoldier she joins the exodus of the thousands of others trying to make it out of doomed Berlin. In the company of a young boy, she manages to slip away, as Berlin burns behind her, a stark testament to one man's twisted vision of the world, and what he was willing to do to make it come about.

And to the people who followed, obeyed, fought and died for him.

And perhaps worst of all, the people who did nothing while evil was perpetrated in their name. Those who turned away, closed the curtains when the knock came next door, when the jackboot kicked in the door, stopped their ears to the screams and the cries, and tried not to see the dark, thick plumes hanging daily over places like Dachau and Auschwitz. The people who tried to tell themselves all was normal, or that there was nothing they could do, and who forgot the old adage to their cost: for evil to triumph, it is enough that good men - and women - do nothing.

Notes:
The incredible arrogance of the Nazis has been proven down through history, most keenly during the Nuremberg trials, where even when faced with their awful, heinous deeds, few if any admitted their guilt; they all, or almost all, believed they had done the right thing, what was required of them, what was necessary. Here, Heinrich Himmler, leader of the feared SS, clings to these ideals when he talks to a subordinate and confesses he is concerned about meeting General Eisenhower: "Should I shake his hand or give the Nazi salute?" he wonders. The fact that he could even expect to be entertained by the leader of the Allies, never mind actually shake his hand, speaks volumes not only about Himmler, but about the leadership of the Reich in general. They lived, mostly, in their own world and nothing would shake them out of their fantasy. Reality was not in vogue in Nazi Germany if it did not conform to the standards they had set down.

Hitler, of course, is the most tragicomic example of this. As he considers the destruction of his beloved Berlin, he comments to Albert Speer that at least it will be easier to rebuild once the city has been reduced to rubble. He believes a new Berlin will rise out of the ashes of the old, and rather like the emperor Nero in Ancient Rome, convinces himself that the old must be swept away for this to happen. Of course, technically, in time and after a great deal of hardship this will happen, but it will be despite Hitler, not because of him.

There's a bitterly touching scene near the beginning of the film where a father is trying to convince his son, who has joined the defence of the city with others barely past childhood, to come home. He outlines the pointlessness of dying for a city which is doomed, a war which is lost, but his son calls him a coward and runs from him. In an epilogue to this, we later see a young girl, who had been with the group, watch her friends take flight as they are overrun. Handing her gun to her commander, she asks him to shoot her, which he does. Having done so, the officer frets for a moment, quite obviously unsure what to do now. In the end, he shoots himself. In that one little scene is encapsulated the complete insanity, and the rabid fanaticism of the Nazi party. They would rather die than surrender. Of course, in the girl's case she must have feared rape from the oncoming Russians, but even so, she preferred to die (with honour!) than surrender or try to escape.

Another bitter, though in no way touching scene is when Dr. Schenke come across a small group of soldiers - Griefkommando - who have been tasked with hunting down any traitors, anyone who tries to get out of the city. The officer in charge has two old men up against the wall, and despite Schenke's attempts to stop him, kills both men. The Griefkommandant clearly enjoys his work, calling the men traitors but it's obvious that he doesn't really care: he's just a thug who is happy to have a chance to dominate someone and kill anyone he likes. Goebbels, meanwhile, is about to take the coward's way out. While Himmler actually believes he can broker a peace deal with the US Army, the propaganda minister knows the game is up, and he can only look forward to being hanged if captured. He has done enough in the war to merit that penalty twenty times over. So he has decided to take his own life, and in an insane suicide pact his wife will also die, after they have poisoned their children.

It's almost beyond belief to watch the doting father and the proud mother present their five children to Hitler, knowing that in a few short hours they will all be dead. Frau Goebbels turns out to be as cold and unfeeling as her husband; which is not to say that she does not love her children, for any mother would of course. But she truly and deeply believes that a Germany without the Fuhrer is not a place she wants her children to grow up in, so she convinces herself that she is performing an act of mercy. Hitler discusses suicide, too, with Eva Braun, and tells her shooting herself in the mouth is the quickest way, but she says she wants to have a nice corpse, so will take poison. Like children asking for sweets, Frau Junge (previously Humps) and Gerda both request a capsule, and Hitler, like an old grandfather doling out treats to his favourite nieces, obliges.

It's debatable whether, as he sits with the children around him, the youngest on his knee, and they sing to him, Hitler realises they are to be killed. I don't know if he even knows his propaganda minister is considering suicide. But if he does, he presents a forlorn figure as he watches what he must surely consider the flower of Germanic youth crowd around him, and knowing he is to die soon himself, must wonder how they will fare in the new Germany he has left them, this blighted, scorched, blackened thing which he must barely recognise as his beloved fatherland?

The moment when Frau Junge realises the full gravity of what is happening, the hopelessness of their situation is when she is told by Speer that "He (Hitler) needs nobody for what awaits him, least of all you", as he counsels her to get out of the city. She responds by pointing out that the Goebbels are staying, and have brought their children. A sad look and a nod is all it takes to explain to her why this is so, and even in the depths of this despair, she cannot bring herself to believe that any parents would willingly sacrifice their children in this way. Perhaps now she realises the depth of the fanatical devotion to the Fuhrer which remains in some quarters, though not many, and how far those who still follow him are willing to go to prove their loyalty, and evade justice.

QUOTES
Hitler: "In a war such as this one, there are no civilians".

Hitler (to Peter, a boy who has fought in the defence of Berlin; he can't be more than ten, twelve years old, if that): "I wish my generals were as brave as you". He of course means naive; there is little bravery lacking in the generals who command Hitler's military, but unlike Peter, they understand the futility of fighting and dying for a lost cause. In this scene, Hitler does that famous "pinching the cheek" of the boy that we've all seen in the newsreels on hundreds of documentaries about World War II: nice touch, I feel.

Traudl Junge: "I can't go; where would I go? My parents and all my friends warned me: don't get involved with the Nazis." Interesting turnaround: when we see Fraulein Humps (before she is married and changes her name to Junge) in 1942 she is delighted to have landed such a plum assignment, one of the highest and most coveted positions surely that a German woman could expect to rise to. But now, as it all comes tumbling down, literally, around her ears, she whines about making the wrong choice. She fears now that if she makes a run for it and is captured, she won't just be another German woman to be raped; she'll be Hitler's secretary, possibly an important prisoner. She may be interrogated, tortured, imprisoned. Even executed. Though she does not relish sitting in the Berlin bunker, listening to the sounds of the approaching artillery and waiting for the end, it is still preferable to taking her chances out in the wartorn streets.

Hitler: "If the war is lost, what does it matter if the people are lost too? The primary necessities of life of the German people aren't relevant, right now. On the contrary, we'd best destroy them ourselves. Our people turned out weak, and according to the laws of nature they should die out." Far from being the saviour of his people, Hitler has turned out to be their doom, but now that they are doomed it quickly becomes apparent that he only cared for the German people as long as he could use them, as long as he could push forward his plans and glorify himelf off their backs. Now that his dreams have all come crashing down, he blames them for not being strong, not being the people he imagined them to be, and sees the imminent defeat of his armies as their fault. As far as he's concerned, none of them deserve life. He sees them as nothing; mere pawns in his game and now that the game has been lost he is prepared to throw them into the fire rather than try to save any.

Hitler: "What remains after this battle is only the inferior. The superior will have fallen." What a fallacy! How could a superior force fall to an inferior one (well, David and Goliath, yes, but generally) and if the "superior" falls, then surely it can no longer be considered as such? Rather, Hitler should be admitting he has been beaten by a superior force - superior in numbers, in strategy, in will - and accept that his army, despite what he earnestly believes or believed, is the inferior one. There is no other conclusion that can be drawn. But Hitler refuses to see this, and sulks like a child who has suddenly discovered he is after all not the best ball player, or runner, or fighter.

Traudl Junge: "It's all so unreal. It's like a dream you can't get out of." Indeed it is. As Berlin shudders to the approach of the Red Army, as the Reich that was supposed to last a thousand years crumbles in less than seven, as Hitler's final hours leak away and his generals begin to desert him, Eva Braun and her cohorts determinedly, defiantly dance as if nothing was wrong, as if the music and the swaying and the singing can keep at bay the dread spectre that is even now placing colossal dark footprints in her beloved city, tearing it apart like a matchstick toy. It certainly does seem unreal. But it is very real, and the truth has finally come looking, like a landlord with an eviction notice, for Hitler and Nazi Germany.

Officer: "The Fuhrer was very impressed with your report. He has placed you in command of the defence of Berlin."
General Weidling: "I'd preferred if he had executed me!"

Hitler: "I never went to the academy. But I conquered all of Europe on my own!" Well, that's not strictly true, is it? Hitler gave the orders, made the plans, was the leading light and figurehead of the Nazi movement, but it was his generals, like Rommel and Keitel, and the ordinary soldiery of the Wehrmact that conquered Europe for him. His was the masterplan for the Master Race, but it was simple, honest, courageous if misguided men - as well as Nazi thugs and brutes - who brought about that plan, who fought and killed and died for his ideal, who made his dark vision a reality. Hitler personally never lifted a finger in the war against the enemy. He never shot a soldier, drove a tank or flew in a Messerschmidt escorting a Heinkel III on a bombing run over London. He never ran across fields or ducked behind bushes, watched his comrades die in his arms or heard them calling for their mothers at the end. He never even laughed with them as they pushed the British back to Dunkirk and kicked them out of Europe. Like most generals, most commanders-in-chief, he was safe in his headquarters when the blood was running in the streets and the tank tracks were crushing his opponents. Like most people in command during war, he has no physical blood on his hands, though in reality the blood of millions of men, women and children coat his shaking hands like glue that will not come off.

Brigadefuhrer Mohnke: "Your Volksturm are easy prey for the Russians. They have neither combat experience nor good weapons."
Goebbels: "Their unconditional belief in the final victory makes up for that."
Mohnke: "Herr Minister, without weapons these men can't fight.Their deaths will be pointless."
Goebbels: "I don't pity them. Do you hear me, I don't pity them! These people called this upon themselves. We didn't force them; the people gave us a mandate. And now they're paying for it."

It's clear from this exchange that Goebbels subscibes to Hitler's belief that the German people asked for this by allowing the Nazi party into power, and that now that it's all crumbling they deserve their fate. He doesn't care about the Volksturm, the regiments hastily cobbled together and made up of mostly old men and young boys in a final, desperate attempt to defend the city. They are merely a delaying tactic to hold back the Russians for as long as possible. But it must also be said that they are willingly thrown to the wolves in almost a gesture of contempt for them: cannon-fodder, no use for anything but that. Like broken toys they are thrown away and forgotten about.

Eva Braun, in a letter to her son: "Our entire ideology is going down the drain, and with it, everything that made life beautiful and worthwhile. After the Fuhrer and National Socialism, there's nothing left to live for. That's why I brought the children too. They're too good for the life that awaits them".

Speer: "Think about it. The children have a right to a future."
Magda Goebbels: "If National Socialism dies, there will be no future."

Hitler: "This so called humanity is religious drivel. Compassion is an eternal sin. To feel compassion for the weak is a betrayal of nature. The strong can only triumph if the weak are exterminated. Being loyal to this law I've never had compassion."

THE STARS OF THE SHOW

Bruno Ganz, as Adolf Hitler
It would of course be odd if, in a film centred around him, Hitler were not the key figure here, but it's the portrayal of the Nazi dictator by Bruno Ganz that really strikes me. Unfortunately I don't speak German, and anyway my copy came bizarrely with some sort of Slavic audio track, but in any case it's subtitled so I just switched the sound off, but commentators remark upon Ganz's voice and accent being uncannily, even eerily close to that of the Fuhrer himself. Nevertheless, even without sound the man can still convey the passions, insanity, anger and refusal to admit defeat or take responsibility that make you see him not as Bruno Ganz, actor, but as the feared and hated leader of the Third Reich.

As the movie revolves around Hitler's final hours, there are no get-out clauses, like speeches to the masses from Nuremberg, where video footage can be studied and any actor worth his salt could competently duplicate Hitler's mannerisms and movements. In taking on the role of Hitler, Ganz has accepted that he must deliver a performance of a man who is broken, bitter and defeated, but determined to go down in a blaze of glory, to cheat his enemies of the final victory of displaying his dead body for all to see. He shows us the narcissism of the man, the blind faith in his own ability and his rage against everyone who is seen to have let him down. We see virtual spittle fly from his mouth and his eyes crease up like a mental patient's as he lets loose a tirade of abuse on those he considers traitors, weak and disloyal. We see his body shake with apoplexy and his fists bunch in rage, slam down on tables and desks, and we see too his advancing Parkinson's begin to take hold: Hitler walks shakily, bent over, his hand trembling uncontrollably as he hides it behind his back.

Adolf Hitler could never be seen as a sympathetic figure, nor should he be, but here Ganz makes him into a more tragic, almost pitiable man than a monster, while still showing that the rages he can fly into and the cold calmness with which he orders executions, or commands men to stay and fight to the death in a lost cause, marked him as a dangerous lunatic. For years, that dangerous lunatic was the most powerful man in Europe, and his long dark shadow fell across most of the world as it struggled to get out from beneath it, and fight its way back to the sunlight. Ganz also (although this must really be credited to the writer and director) avoids portraying Hitler as a parody, a cartoon, a black villain (though he was), by endeavouring to show some of the more human traits of the man who almost destroyed the world. He loves his dog, he loves his wife. He sits with his nephews and nieces on his knee. He thanks Frau Junge for her help as he goes to commit suicide.

Such human traits are needed, because otherwise Hitler is a two-dimensional figure, and no matter how evil a person is there is always some spark of humanity within them somewhere; perhaps they are kind to their mother, or like animals, or give to charities. Nobody is one hundred percent evil, and to present them as such would be too easy, too banal. Look for the good in anyone and you'll find it; it may be a tiny spark but you will find it. But Ganz and Hirschfield are careful not to allow Hitler's few small redemptive qualities to outshine his innate brutality. Even as we see that he loves Eva Braun, he tenderly rejects her pleas for clemency for her brother-in-law and tells her kindly that all traitors must die. When she, tears shining in her eyes, looking for mercy in the face of her soon-to-be husband that is not there, asks why, at this late point in the war, when all is lost, he must pronounce such a doom on her brother-in-law, he snarls "It is my wish!" revealing the truth behind Adolf Hitler: that he cares nothing for anyone, and all who oppose him must die, even if it is almost too late to exact that vengeance, even if the vengeance itself will serve no purpose.

Looking at Ganz, it's sometimes hard to separate actor from historical figure, and you feel at times that you've somehow gone back in time, and are watching the final days of Adolf Hitler as they unfold in the bunker below Berlin. The fact that the movie is shot entirely in monochrome adds to that feeling of being back in 1945. It must have been hard for Bruno Ganz to have taken on the role of such a figure in Germany: pilloried, hated and despised by so many and yet there are those who secretly hope to bring back the ideals he espoused, and so it was important that the film not be seen as glorifying Hitler in any way. It was important that though he be seen as a tragic figure there be no sympathy for him, no understanding, no attempt at redemption. History must also be reported as it happened; no revisionism. Those who committed unspeakable acts must face them in the film, not pretend they did not do what history proves they did. Even at the end, Hitler's one comfort is that he cleansed Germany of so many Jews. He has no regret on that score, believing he did the right thing.

German director Wim Wenders is on record as accusing the film of trivialising the role Hitler played in World War II and of glorifying him. I don't see it. There's nothing here that makes me feel "this was a misunderstood genius", or even makes me feel sorry for him. Uppermost in your mind all the time is the knowledge of what he has done, what has been perpetrated at his hands, and that's something that there will never be any understanding of, nor forgiveness for. I personally think Ganz is far and away the best Adolf Hitler I have ever seen on film.

Alexandra Maria Lara as Traudl Junge

When the film opens, the aged Frau Junge is relating her experiences in the service of Hitler, and lamenting that she was so taken in by his charisma, as were so many millions of Germans. Initially we see her delighted to get the job as his personal secretary, but as the war begins to turn against Germany and defeat seems inevitable, she operates in the film almost as a disconnected spirit, an observer watching the fall of the man she had considered to be the greatest German ever, and she sees too the way his people react, now that he has been proven to be fallible. Many turn against him, though in private, like Himmler trying to sue for peace and Goerring wishing to take over in Hitler's stead; many desert him, while the more loyal or stubborn refuse to surrender. Some, like Goebbels and his wife, decide suicide is the only path remaining to them, while Eva Braun, infatuated with him and it would seem perhaps fascinated by death, is happy to die with him.

She sees how the great Nazi empire was really held together by the almost supernatural strength of this man's charisma and will, and that when it is clear that he is losing his grip, and the war has turned against him, his empire begins to fragment as people lose faith in him and try to save their own skins. Hitler's fantasy orders, commanding armies that are not there into battle, thinking he will be able to spring a surprise attack on the Russians and trap them, and thus win the war, show everyone that he has lost touch with reality, and they can no longer depend on him. Frau Junge is torn as she watches the man she respected fall apart, and as the full horror of what he has done begins to become apparent she wonders what is to become of her.

She watches Eva Braun dance and party as if nothing is wrong, wilfully refusing to accept reality, witnesses firsthand the cold determination of Magda Goebbels, who reasons that her children cannot survive in a world without the Nazi party and Hitler, and hears, as does everyone else, the slow disintegration of the mind of her Fuhrer and he slips deeper and deeper into a fantasy in which he expects still to turn the tide of the war.

In ways, Trudl Junge represents all the idealistic, starstruck young women, and men, who followed Hitler into perdition, believing everything he said and trusting totally in his ability to lead them back to glory. She realises much later how wrong she was, as she relates in the film's closing minutes seeing the grave of a young German woman who was the same age as her, executed by the Nazis in the same month she signed on as Hitler's secretary. As she shakes her head and her eyes mist, her final words, indeed, the final words of the film, hang heavy in the air: "Youth is no excuse."

Why do I love this movie?

I absolutely did not expect to, and so it took me by complete surprise that it affected me as it did. I have never seen, nor do I think I ever will see, a more faithful and chilling portrayal of Hitler on the screen. The movie also shys away from explaining what Hitler was about, trying to see things through his eyes or even trying to excuse or justify what he did. It also similarly avoids the easy-to-fall-into trap of damning him, creating a two-dimensional caricature of ridicule and disgust. "Downfall" certainly shows the Fuhrer's madness, and no apologies are offered for what he did, but the crowning achievement I believe of the movie is that it's told through the eyes of an ordinary German girl; not a rabid Nazi, but someone who truly believed Hitler would be Germany's salvation, and who realises all too late that she has placed her faith in a madman, that she has, for the last three years, served a tyrant and a despot, and that he cares less about his people than an abuser of animals cares about his pets.

It's her realisation, tearful and horrified, as the film unfolds, that she has been party to such horrors, even if they were unknown to her, that shocks and revolts her, and in many ways she is a surrogate and metaphor for the entire German people, who were prepared to in some cases wilfully and in others blindly ignore all that was perpetrated in their name. The film newsreels of the people of Auschwitz being taken to see what had been taking place there is harrowing, but scarier yet is the look on some - not all - of the faces of these ordinary Germans. That looks says, without words, "so what?"

And it is this deep, ingrained belief in their own superiority and hatred of jews that sadly ensures that though Hitler is now just ashes, like his dream of empire, a thousand-year reich that lasted barely ten in all, Nazism and fascism is still with us today, and probably always will be.

For some people, history will always repeat itself, as they refuse to learn from it.
A very sad truth about we stupid humans.

And now, a real blast from the past!
I'm running this on other forums this month, so I thought why not re-run it here, so anyone who missed it can check it out if they want?

I heard no reasonable argument as to why I should not, and so, for the next month, here it is again.

Originally ran in The Couch Potato exactly six years ago, from March 1 to March 31 2015.

“Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her five year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations. To boldy go where no man has gone before!”

With these words, not just a television series but a true phenomenon began. The Star Trek franchise is now worth billions of dollars worldwide, and has spawned four sequels and to date twelve Hollywood movies, as well as countless other tie-ins and spinoffs. The first real television franchise, Star trek is shown somewhere in the world almost every minute, and there can be few people who have not seen at least one of its incarnations. Even for those who have never experienced it, the words “Kirk”, “Spock” and “Enterprise” all have meaning, and all relate to the programme that redefined television drama, and almost single-handedly gave birth to the era of television science-fiction.
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(Gene Roddenberry: the man who started it all)

Before Star Trek, TV was simple: the good guys chased the bad guys, caught them and said something pithy while smiling into the camera. That’s overgeneralising of course, but essentially that was the tried and trusted formula for TV, and it worked whether you had a cop show, a cowboy show, a comedy show or any other sort of show. It was a template, and with a very few exceptions writers wrote within that framework. Then came Star Trek. Rather than just be a chasing-aliens-and-space battles (which was surely not only envisioned but expected by executives when it was pitched to them), this series would take on the issues of the day, make political and social comment and attract far more than the expected geeky teenager audience, with its adherents eventually being academics, teachers, scientists and even astronauts.

Star Trek has become so deeply ingrained in the consciousness of the world that it is now not at all unusual for people to have their first kiss to it, conceive their first child to it, even name the child after a character in it. Weddings can now be full Starfleet affairs, and where this sort of thing would be, and was, looked on as at best weird and at worst sad, these days it is almost acceptable. The poor maligned Trekkies and Trekkers may not quite outnumber the “norms”, but we’re getting there. Star Trek conventions are big business, the actors all get great jobs with voiceovers and sponsorship, and many have received honorary doctorates when, really, they wouldn’t know one end of a microscope from another. But it’s not for what they know that these people have been honoured, it’s for what they were a part of, how Star Trek changed the lives of more people than anyone will ever know. Many Apollo astronauts have cited the programme as a reason they wanted to go into space, while cults and even religions have grown up around the franchise.
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(A "typical" Star Trek wedding)

I personally would consider myself a semi-hardcore Trekker. I’ve only been to one convention (and that wasn’t anything like I expected) and I don’t own a uniform (at least, not a Star Trek one! ;)) but I have watched all series (bar Enterprise) and can tell you most of what happens in every episode. I can argue the merits and failings of the Borg, Quark’s bar, Data’s approach to Shakespeare, or any other aspect you wish. I don’t go giving people the Vulcan salute (but I can do it: just) but I do often recall episodes or events in the series that I can use to parallel my own life. I’m certainly not a casual fan, but neither have I built Starfleet Academy in my back garden.

So here I’d like to take the month to look deeply into this amazing creation of one man --- or as deeply as I can in four weeks --- and try to give you a flavour of what it’s all about. I’ll be looking at episodes from all four main series as well as some of the movies, with articles on various aspects of the show and features on characters. If you haven’t seen the show before this could be a great introduction for you, and don’t be afraid to shout if you have questions.

But mostly I hope just to have fun here for the next month, exploring what it is that makes this originally only three-season, seventy-nine episode series such an enduring phenomenon, and why even now, nearly fifty years after its creation, it still has the power to enthrall, thrill and engage us. I should point out that, like everything in The Couch Potato, spoilers will abound, so if you’re getting into the series for the first time, be warned as there are major plot revelations all through these articles. There’s no point in my spoilering them, as it would just be impossible, so think carefully before you proceed. I don’t want to be held responsible for anyone’s disappointment later on.

Do be aware I am not covering the so-far most recent series, Enterprise, later Star Trek: Enterprise, for a range of reasons. Mostly because I didn't watch it all --- about half a season I think --- and what I did see gave me no hope it would get any better. I was bored by it, and while I can wax critical about Voyager, and it had some awful episodes, I can't ever really say it bored me on the same consistent level that Enterprise did. I didn't engage with any of the characters, least of all the captain, and I couldn't pick out one --- unlike the Doctor in Voyager --- who could have saved the series for me.

So, to all intents and purposes, although I of course know of it and wouldn't attempt to deny its existence, Enterprise is not a stop on our month-long journey. If you are a big fan and would like to write about it, drop me a line and I'll see what we can arrange. Otherwise, don't expect to see it covered here. It may be mentioned the odd time, but that will be about it. I apologise if you think it was a great series, but if so, then write about it for me here and try to show me how wrong I am. If not, then please just accept it will not be part of these proceedings.

So come with me now, as we beam aboard and begin our journey. Later on, we’ll rendezvous with the USS Nerdtopia as she begins her long mission to review that list of science-fiction movies I posted some time ago, but for now, let’s start off with the smaller screen, and nowhere better or more appropriate to begin than with the very first ever episode.

Ahead, warp factor five. Steady as she goes!
Welcome to
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(Note: In the light of the recent tragic death of Leonard Nimoy I wrestled briefly with the idea of either delaying this special, or even cancelling it altogether, but I came very quickly to the realisation that, as Spock himself said, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and some of you have been waiting for this. Well, that guy down there has, he told me so. Also, if I can allow myself some incredible self-indulgence, I’d like to think that if he’s looking down on us now, Leonard would want us to go on, and celebrate his life and his work rather than mourn his death. In the final analysis, and to be completely Vulcan about it, it’s surely the logical thing to do.)

Even the best show ever written is bound to have one or two bad episodes, and with a total of over four hundred episodes between all four series, Star Trek has certainly seen some total turkeys over its run. Here I'll be presenting a few; I had intended originally to make a toplist, but sure I can't tell if "Spirit Folk" is worse than "The Omega Glory", or if "Fascination" trumps "Masks" in absurdity and bad writing, so I'll just list them in no order. I will however rate them, the usual one to five, with in this instance five being the worst possible and one being mildly bad. To illustrate this, I'll be using icons of one of the most disliked Star Trek characters ever.
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Title: "Starship Mine"
Series: TNG
Season: Six
Writer(s): Morgan Grendel
Main character(s): Picard
Plot: Picard has to go all Die-Hard to save his ship from terrorists. No, really.

There's nothing terribly wrong about this episode, compared to many of the others that will populate this section, but at its heart this is "Die Hard" in space. Well, spacedock. While the rest of the crew are attending a lavish reception (sound familiar?) Picard returns to his ship, which is being decontaminated, and finds that a group of terrorists are using the opportunity to harvest the chemical from the ship's engines to make into bombs and sell to the highest bidder.

Lord preserve us! It's an all-action episode to be sure, but really, it's far below what TNG was capable of and with a few tweaks it could have been on Criminal Minds, NCIS or any other action cop show. It does give Picard a central role, which he did not always have, and a chance to action-hero it up, but the rest of the crew being held hostage while he does his thing is just way too close to every Bruce Willis movie you've ever seen to be forgiven.

It's odd, too, because the episode was written by Morgan Grendel, who penned the superlative "The inner light" for the previous season. Maybe working on Nash Bridges, 21 Jump Street and Law and Order affected him more than he would like to admit!

The episode is marked by the first ever appearance of Tim Russ as one of the terrorists, who would go on to become Tuvok later in VOY. But nobody cares about that.

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Title: “Explorers”
Series: DS9
Season: Three
Writer(s): Rene Echevarria and Hilary J. Bader
Main character(s): Sisko and Jake
Plot: Sisko decides to see if the ancient Bajorans were able to harness the energy of solar wind power to YAWWWNNNN (sorry, sorry) um, sail across the stars.

Yeah, the above says it all really. Wanting to bond with his son, believing they aren’t spending enough time together Sisko works on an exact duplicate of the solar ship the ancient Bajorans apparently used to sail between planets. He wants to see if it’s possible, and Jake, having a brain and something of a life, is reluctant to accompany him. It’s very much a character-driven episode, but whereas these can be really well written and deep, this is, well, not. It’s like that one where Wesley has to spend hours inside a shuttlecraft with Picard, and they get to know each other better. Really, who gives a ****? We want conflict, space battle, aliens, political upheaval, not two boring bastards having a family moment as they drift across space.

Nothing happens in the episode. Literally. Nothing. Whereas they could have been attacked, or discovered a new moon, or contacted some alien lifeform who became interested in their ship (**** it, I don’t know: they could! Something could have happened) none of the above happens and the most interesting and exciting part of the episode is when they start to slightly drift off course and Jake has to main the sails. Jesus Christ on toast! Is this The Onedin Line in space or what? Bo-ring. I mean, come on, let’s be honest: who gives a rat’s ass what the ancient Bajorans did? The current ones are boring enough.

Written by (well the teleplay anyway) Rene Echevarria, who also penned the drivel that is “I, Borg” for TNG, demystifying and emasculating the most badass aliens ever to threaten a Federation starship. He did however create the series The 4400, though on the other side of the coin he was also showrunner on Spielberg’s borefest Terra Nova.

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Title: “Turnabout Intruder”
Series: TOS
Season: Three
Writer(s): Gene Roddenberry and Arthur H. Singer
Main character(s): Kirk
Plot: After she uses an alien machine to bodyswap with Kirk, Dr. Janice Lester attempts to take over the Enterprise and have Kirk committed or killed.

Could there be a more misogynistic episode of any series? It gets something of a pass, being the final episode of the series but still. The idea of this woman taking over Kirk’s body and then “betraying herself” by her “emotional and irrational” behaviour --- typical woman! --- is both ludicrous and offensive. What Roddenberry was saying, basically, here, or at least the message that came across from it was that women are highly-strung, emotional creatures not fit for command. Now that may have flown and been acceptable in the sixties, but really, could you be more insulting to fifty percent of the world’s population? No wonder early Trek had few female viewers! Mind you, Roddenberry’s chauvinistic view of women has already been well explored, not least in the attire of the female crew and the lack of any women in positions of command, but even for him this is a new low, and a terrible way to sign off.

It does afford Kirk the chance to indulge himself, playing essentially two people, as he had in “Mirror, mirror” and “The enemy within”. and though he hams it up he’s not bad. Lester, played by Sandra Smith, is actually the better actor here, keeping calm (though of course she is meant to be Kirk) until she is transferred back (with very little scientific explanation) at the end, whereupon she goes totally mad. Her insane decree that Kirk, Spock and Scotty are to be executed --- yes, you read that right: executed --- is the final straw that tips the balance, but it’s ridiculous that the crew go along with such a wild and un-Kirklike order. Very little to save this episode, and as I said, it’s an awful end to a superb series.

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Title: “Skin of Evil”
Series: TNG
Season: One
Writer(s): Hannah Louise Shearer and Joseph L. Scanlan
Main character(s): Troi, Picard
Plot: After crashlanding on a remote asteroid, Troi is trapped in the wreckage of a shuttlecraft, but when the Enterprise crew come to rescue her they are stopped by an alien being. Why? Why not…

Oh there are some awful episodes in season one, and I could have chosen any of half a dozen or more, some of which will feature here in due course. But this one takes the proto-biscuit for just being a case of “why the ****?” There’s no explanation given for where Armus, the alien who looks like a cross between liquid Terminator II and a jawa, came from, why it behaves as it does, or even how the crew, who appear trapped by it, escape in the end. Sirtis puts in a decent performance in her limited role, but the bulk of the episode goes to Picard really, as he tries to reason with, and then sneers at Armus. Riker’s drowning-in-a-pool-of-oil is a well done scene but ultimately pointless, as indeed is the whole episode.

Of course, if this episode is remarkable or memorable for anything, it is the sudden, unexpected and pointless death of security chief Tasha Yar, a shamelessly lazy device to have the actress released from her contract at her request. I didn’t particularly like Yar, but we had grown accustomed to her, and for her to die in this grossly “Redshirt” manner was a bit of a kick in the teeth to we fans, I feel. There is at least the touching eulogy and funeral ceremony at the end, which does its best to save the episode but it is well beyond salvation from the moment we meet Armus, and the fact that Picard literally just shrugs his shoulders and says “**** you” to the alien and leaves, when the whole idea has been built up that he can not leave, is being restrained here, just makes me roll my eyes. Awful, awful episode.

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It’s a big galaxy out there, and as Ford Prefect once remarked, there’s all sorts of people out there, trying to rip you off, kill you … always helps to know where your towel is. Or, if you’re not familiar with “The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, then it’s at least desirable to know as much as possible about the beings you share the galaxy with. Of course, in the twenty-third century each race has its own agenda and most if not all have their own military, so everyone is at one time or another spying on everyone else, and though there’s generally, usually a state of peace or at least uneasy truce between the races, disputes can boil over into conflict and lead to war, so intelligence about the aliens who may be your friends or allies today but may be your enemies tomorrow is crucial.

In this section I’ll be looking at a specific race, telling you all I know or can find out about them, how they fit into the universe and any other stuff about them that may seem interesting or good to know. I’ll be referring, obviously, to when and how they fit into the series, and how if at all they developed from their original form, as many of the races here did. Please note that these are my own written articles from my own head, based on what I know about the series and the various races, and although I have referred to Wiki and other sources for confirmation or clarification of certain issues, this is not a copied Wiki article or anything close to it. It is also nothing like a comprehensive essay on any race, but just something to give those of you who may not know these aliens a basic grounding in who they are, where they fit into the plots, and how they relate to the other aliens. There is surely much left out, though hopefully nothing here is incorrect, and if you want to read further there are tons of articles all over the interweb, many of which are well worth reading. However do be careful if you’re doing this, as many of these articles and sites quote events in the series that you may not be aware of, and could very well contain spoilers for you. As could these, to a smaller degree.

The one I’ll kick off with is one that most if not everybody will be familiar with, the oldest aliens in Star Trek and the traditional nemeses of Captain Kirk and his crew.
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Klingons

Class: Humanoid, warlike
Home planet: Qu’onos
Feature in: TOS, TNG, DS9, VOY
Klingons of note: Kah’less the Unforgettable, Molor, Kang, Gorkon, Gowron, Worf, Bel’enna Torres, Kurn, Martok, K’mpec
Values: Honour, courage, respect, honesty, fighting prowess

Originally seen as the bad guys of the original Star Trek series, Klingons were one-dimensional villians for Kirk and the Enterprise to fight against and triumph over. Warlike, always seeking strength through conquest, and jeering at the Federation’s noble aims of peace through democracy and diplomacy, Klingons were I guess essentially the Russians to the Federation’s basic Americans, the Commies of the cosmos. Very limited, their appearance originally was not like the guy shown above. They were merely humans with darker skin and their faces shaped into a somewhat devilish look, giving them the aspect of satyrs or demons. They had little in the way of philosophy --- I guess “survival of the strongest” or “To the victor the spoils” would be some of the mantras they lived by --- and were, originally, looked on very unsympathetically by the writers. They were warriors, but they were always warriors. They had no time for talking, peace treaties or conferences, and they preferred, when possible, to shoot first. Ask questions later? That would be a novel concept for a Klingon, indeed! Perhaps they might ask, “Why did you wait so long to shoot?” but that would be about it.

With the emergence of TNG, and a whole different attitude towards the USSR and racism in general, with the Cold War over and Gorbachev making massive strides to bring the Soviet people into the twentieth century (steps that would be reversed thirty years later as Putin dragged his country back into the days of the hardline communist regimes), the Klingons were given more of a backstory and seen with if not a more sympathetic eye, at least a less biased one. This was necessary because, apart from anything else, there was now one serving aboard Picard’s Enterprise, and the story of how that happened would take pages in itself. But a quick recap of how relationships between the Klingon Empire and the Federation thawed:

As the onset of the twenty-fourth century loomed, a ecological and industrial disaster hit the Klingon Empire when one of the moons orbiting their home planet Qo’nos (pronounced “cone-nose” but I’ve heard it referred to as “Chronos”; may just be pronunciation issues) exploded. Praxis was the base for all the fuel the Klingons mined for use in their ships and their industry. Foreseeing the very real prospect of their extinction, the Klingon High Command opened talks with the Federation, with a view towards healing the divisions between the two races and finally bringing to an end the almost-state-of-war that had existed for over seventy years. When the crew of the USS Enterprise, NCC-1701C, gave their lives defending a Klingon outpost from marauding Romulans, the pact was sealed and the Klingons could see that their new ally was indeed honourable. Honour is a value Klingons cherish and prize above all else, including their lives, and there was and is no higher honour to them than for an enemy to die defending them. Soon afterwards the Klingons, though never admitted to nor asking for membership of the Federation, were allies of the humans.

Klingons are a warrior race. They prize such qualities as courage, valour, honesty, strength, cunning and of course as I said above honour. To a degree, they could be likened to the ancient Greek warriors, the Spartans, in that every single thing they do is geared towards combat, conquest and war. Being allies of the Federation meant that could no longer make war on them of course, but there were plenty of other aliens in the galaxy they could challenge and take on. As with the Spartans, from a young age every boy is trained in the noble arts of combat, learning to use the weapons endemic to the Empire, including the curved double-handled four-bladed sword known as the bat’leth, but also to master the art of hand-to-hand combat, learning all there is to know about martial arts, breathing techniques, yoga and meditation. The dynasty of each Klingon family proceeds from the father, and is referred to as a House. Presidency of the House is passed from father to eldest son, and thence to either his son or the next eldest if he should be killed. Women are not valued as warriors, owners of property or soldiers in the Empire, though that is not to say they are second-class citizens. Indeed, many a Klingon wife can lay low with a few sharp blows of her tongue a warrior who counts many kills among his tally, and whom others rightly fear!

The Empire has of course an Emperor, but the title is largely representational, with the true power lying in the men who make up the High Council. It is they who set policy, direct the military, govern spending and dispense justice. Klingons speak their own language, a harsh, gutteral tongue, and will speak humanoid only if necessary. They may be allies of the Federation but they do not fully trust them, and see them as weak and ineffectual as they try to persuade with words where Klingons would rule by the fist. Klingons are proud of their lineage and always make sure anyone knows whose son they are. Although they have their legends, they proudly boast (whether true or not I don’t know) that they slew their gods, and they worship instead great heroes and warriors, the greatest among them being Kahless (kay-less), the very first Emperor, who, Moses-like, laid down their rules of conduct and honour.

Klingons are a fiercely proud people and for them cowardice is the one stain they cannot stand. They would far prefer to die in battle than run and live to fight another day, and the worst fear of any Klingon warrior is that he will die in bed, of old age, and not be admitted into the halls of heroes like the ancient Vikings upon whom so much of their culture appears to be based. This leads to one of their favourite battlecries: “Today is a good day to die!” They are fearless, often reckless though, thinking with the sword rather than the brain, more worried about appearing weak and craven for retreating than about taking on superior numbers. They live for the fight, and chafe in this new peacetime into which circumstance has forced them, so spend their off-hours drinking, singing battle songs and fighting.

Only one of their number has ever served on a Starfleet vessel, and Worf, son of Mogh, who has some human heritage in him, later left the Enterprise to take up station at Deep Space 9, where he became tactical chief of operations. Worf has a son, Alexander, who is not interested in the ways of his father and does not want to be a warrior. He is a constant source of worry to his proud father, Alexander’s mother having been killed by a traitor to the Empire, who was himself shortly thereafter despatched to the netherworld by Worf.

As this is not behaviour countenanced by Starfleet Worf was reprimanded for it, but as a Klingon he had to satisfy his honour, and his people approved. As in all things with Klingons, honour is the driving force behind them, and if one of their number is seen to be acting without it, they can expect to be shunned.

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Interestingly, perhaps inevitably, all Star Trek series begin with a two-hour (sometimes broken into two parts) premiere episode, and so it is with the first to pick up the baton after Kirk and Co had warped off into hypergalactic retirement, Star Trek: The Next Generation. This is often tricky, as if you make it too boring (as in “The Cage”) you can damage your prospects of being picked up by the network. But while “Encounter at Farpoint” is far from the best TNG episode, even in season one, there was never a danger of it not being picked up, as it was to be the triumphant return of the franchise after over twenty-five years in the wilderness, and the audience was certainly there for it. More, there were two distinct audience demographics: those who had grown up on the original and were either salivating at the prospect of its return (or waiting to tear it apart with savage commentary and criticism; didn't matter, they still had to watch it first) and those who either had never seen it and were interested, or else were just science-fiction fans. There wasn't much of sci-fi on the TV at that time, and so anything even vaguely space related was welcome. Plus TNG was coming in on the cusp of a new sci-fi revival, with films like Star Wars, Alien, ET and Blade Runner, to say nothing of four Trek movies whetting the appetites of sci-fi enthusiasts young and old. It was, in short, a great time for the Return of the King.

But any show that has reached such iconic, almost legendary status is going to be hard to replicate, and the inevitable comparisons would be made, so how to make this not simply a continuation of the original series, but a quantum leap forward? Well, plenty of ways. First of all, while maintaining the accepted family atmosphere aboard ship, the “power trio” idea had to be dispensed with. The original Star Trek had mostly focussed on Kirk, Spock and McCoy, with occasional contributions from the likes of Scotty, Uhura or Sulu, and later Chekov, but I don't think there's one episode in the entire three-season run that did not feature all three of the main characters. This put the others at a disadvantage, relegating them to the position almost of bit players, guest stars even. An episode would survive the absence of Sulu or Scotty, and much of the time Uhura was just a glorified telephone operator, but the three main men always had to be in the camera's crosshairs.

TNG sought to do away with that to an extent. While it's true that the captain was, and always would be, the centre of any action, this new series “farmed out” or even shared out the adventure. It would not be unheard of for Doctor Crusher, Geordi or Worf to have their own episode, and even the “kid” on board, Wesley, would feature prominently in later ones. Relationships would be explored and developed, and to a much greater degree than had been in the original series, where little more than a hint that Nurse Chapel was in love with Spock was allowed, or references were made to Kirk's many ex-girlfriends and conquests. Here, everyone was related in one way or another. Geordi and Data would become fast friends. Riker and Troi had past history they were still trying to get past, and even the captain had a romantic interest in the doctor, although it would be some time indeed before he would admit it, more before he would act on it.

The crew was larger, the ship more powerful and majestic, and the storylines would of course be more far-reaching, deep and intelligent, and there would be, by and large, little of the easy humour for which Star Trek had become known. Picard was a hard man, an authoritarian who seldom smiled, disliked and distrusted children, and seemed to have few hobbies other than reading. He was a solitary man, alone among over a thousand souls, with responsibility for their safety, and though his crew were loyal to him and would follow him into Hell, at first he does come across rather a little like Christopher Pike on his one and only voyage aboard the USS Enterprise.

“Encounter at Farpoint”

On the way to Deneb IV, the new USS Enterprise, under the command of Captain Jean-Luc Picard, is heading towards its first mission. A starbase has been built there, called Farpoint Station, and the Federation wish to know how it was built so quickly and if more can be built. Picard is yet awaiting the arrival of his ship's doctor and first officer, who are to meet them at the station. En route though they are suddenly accosted by a malevolent intelligence which manifests upon the ship's bridge, calling itself “The Q”. It accuses the human race of being a “dangerous, savage child race” and directs Picard and his crew to return to their home planet. Picard of course refuses, loudly proclaiming the advances humanity has made, and the creature, seemingly intrigued by the captain's ideas of testing them, retires, promising to return.

The Q has however blocked the path of the Enterprise with a weblike net, which Picard now attempts to break away from. He prepares the ship for “saucer separation”, a procedure which will detach the main bridge in the flat, disc-like section of the top of the ship from the main body. As they accelerate away from the net it follows them, and they find it impossible to outrun. Picard orders the saucer separation, and despite his chagrin, Worf is ordered to take command of the saucer section, into which all the women and children have been herded. The remainder of the ship, now known as “the battle bridge” turns to take on the “hostile” as it gains on them. It is however a futile action, and Picard reluctantly orders their surrender.

Once he does, they all find themselves in a courtroom, where the judge is none other than the intelligence known as The Q. Troi confirms that, though the scene they are in is out of the late twenty-first century, and cannot be real, must be an illusion, it is real. The Q again accuses the crew of being savage and dangerous, and tricks them into admitting their guilt under duress. Outmanoeuvred, Picard puts forward a challenge: let the Q test him and his crew, let them represent what mankind has become, and let him see if they have in fact evolved beyond what the powerful alien accuses them of. The Q is satisfied, even happy with the outcome, and tells Picard that solving the mystery of Farpoint Station will serve as his litmus test. The court dissolves, and Picard and his crew are back aboard their vessel.

Meanwhile, at Farpoint Station, Commander William Riker awaits the arrival of the Enterprise and visits the man in command of the station, an alien named Zorn. He expresses amazement that the station could have been built so quickly, and so perfectly suited to the needs of the Federation. Zorn is evasive, refusing to answer questions, but when Riker has left he seems annoyed and berates something above him, almost as if he is talking to the ceiling. He talks of “arousing their suspicion”, and it's clear that something here does not meet the eye. Riker meets up with the ship's doctor, Beverley Crusher, who is also awaiting the arrival of the ship. He tells her and her son, Wesley, that he has noticed odd things about this station. Just now, he had wanted an apple and though there was none in the bowl proffered him by Zorn, a moment later there was another bowl which he could swear had not been there, and yes, it had apples in it. Similarly, Crusher looks at some cloth and notes it would be nice if there were a gold pattern on it, and suddenly there is. She of course thinks he's seeing conspiracies where none exist, and looking for ways to impress his new captain, but he is sure it's more than just an overactive imagination.

Riker is somewhat surprised to learn that Crusher is on first-name terms with the new captain, but Wesley advises him that it was Picard who brought the body of his father home, when he fell in an away mission, some years ago. Geordi LaForge, navigator aboard the ship and also awaiting its arrival so that he can take his position, reports to Riker that the ship has reached orbit but is missing the saucer section. Picard has ordered Riker to beam aboard immediately, as he does. Almost right away he is shown footage of what has transpired with The Q, and then Picard receives news that the saucer section is ready to reunite with the main ship. Seeing this as an early test of his first officer's competence and his ability to work under pressure, the captain orders Riker to conduct the reintegration of the ship, manually, a task he carries out perfectly. Picard grudgingly congratulates him on his prowess, though calls it “a fairly routine manoeuvre.” He does however take issue with his new second-in-command's determination to second-guess the captain when he deems he is putting himself in unnecessary danger.

Here though the mask slips a little and Picard allows himself a moment of weakness, as he admits he is not good with children, and asks, well orders I suppose, Riker to help him in that area. LaForge shows Crusher his visor, a computer implant that allows him to see, even though he is blind. Usage of the implant does cause him pain, but he suffers it in order to be able to see, even if he does not see the same way we do: his visor detects electromagnetic waves, colour spectrums etc. Riker is looking for Data, but Worf tells him that the android is on “special assignment”, ferrying a special guest, an admiral, to the Enterprise by shuttlecraft. This turns out to be McCoy, in what's a pretty shamefully self-indulgent cameo that last about a minute. As they prepare to leave Farpoint, The Q appears again on the viewscreen, advising them that if they do not solve the problem in twenty-four hours they risk summary judgement against them.

Riker is reintroduced to Deanna Troi, the Ship's Counsellor, but Picard is unaware they are ex-lovers. Troi is half Betazoid and therefore telepathic, and she and Riker share an uncomfortable, though private moment when she speaks to his mind only. They keep their relationship from the captain, admitting only that they know each other. All three beam down to the station and meet with Zorn, who is less than happy at Deanna's presence, she being a telepath. He is also annoyed at Picard's attempts to get him to agree to build other starbases for them, or to trade for the materials and knowledge that allowed them to build Farpoint. He makes it clear he is interested in entertaining neither suggestion, and just wants to sell the rights to use this station alone. While there, Troi experiences powerful emotions --- negative, painful ones, ones of loss and despair, but she can't say from where these feelings are emanating. As the exchanges get more heated, and all their questions continue to be evaded, the trio leave a fuming Zorn, unsure of what is going on.

Riker gets his first taste of the brand new Holodeck, a holographic projection room on the ship which can be programmed for any environment, scene or fantasy. He is looking for Data and finds him here, as well as Wesley Crusher. Data shows how superhumanly strong he is when he lifts Wesley with one hand when the kid falls into a holographically-created, but very real and very wet, stream. Riker also finds out, to his amusement, that the one thing Data wishes is to be human. He has not the software to accomplish this, but is trying to add to his programme by trying things like whistling, and hopes that by better studying humans and coming to understand them, he may one day emulate them. In the tunnel below Farpoint Station, Geordi is unable to identify the material the walls are constructed from, and Deanna receives even harsher images and emotions, making her sink to her knees in despair.

A strange alien vessel arrives and begins to attack the planet, firing unknown weapons down at the city below. It does however appear to be avoiding hitting the station itself. It refuses to respond to hails, and Zorn professes to know nothing about it, though Picard is loath to believe him. He knows, all right: it's in his voice. He's hiding something, and the arrival of the alien vessel has thrown him into almost a panic. Picard orders Riker, still on the planet, to bring him to the Enterprise where they will get what information he has out of him. However, before they can do so someone else teleports him away. Troi begins to sense a new emotion: satisfaction, but it is not from the same source. The Q reappears, gloating over Picard's inability to solve the conundrum, goading him that he has not the brains to figure it out. Q, tiring of their efforts and looking to be amused, gives them a clue: beam over to the alien vessel, he advises them, and though Picard is against it Riker volunteers to go, which impresses the seemingly-omnipotent alien.

Picard goes to Crusher, to apologise for his stiff and overly formal welcome to her: she is an old friend, or at least the wife of an old friend, and he should have been more forthcoming. He tells her that serving aboard the Enterprise may be hard for her, being constantly reminded of her husband through him, and suggests a transfer, which he will approve, but she turns him down, saying she is where she needs and wants to be. In fact, she tells him, she requested the post. On the alien vessel, Troi Data and Riker find Zorn held captive and in pain, while the empath feels anger, revenge, satisfaction from a much closer source than before.

As they rescue Zorn, Q reappears on the bridge, sneering at Picard's efforts to unravel the mystery, but when the away team returns, sent back by the alien vessel, he begins to see it. The vessel is not a ship but a living being, and it is trying to help --- rescue --- one of its own kind which has been trapped on the planet surface below. Creatures who can convert energy into matter, the second alien was pressed into service by Zorn and his people, forced to assume the shape of Farpoint Station, and allowed only enough energy to survive but not to break free. Picard has the Enterprise beam energy down to it, allowing it to break free and join its mate. Farpoint Station is no more, the duplicity has been uncovered, Q is disappointed that the humans solved the puzzle and vanishes in a huff. Picard leans forward and declares “Let's see what's out there!”

Quotes
Troi: “Captain! I'm sensing a powerful mind. Massively powerful”
(Picard surely wants to blush, and say “Well, I wouldn't say massive, but if you insist...”! ;) )

Data: “It registers as solid, Captain.”
Troi: “Or an incredibly powerful forcefield! Captain, if we collide with it at this speed---”
Picard: “Shut off that damn noise!”
(Picard is referring to the red alert warning, but you can just hear Deanna grumping “I'm only saying. No need to be rude!” :rofl:)

Picard: “Let's see what this “Galaxy”-class starship can do!”

Picard: “Commander, signal the following in all languages and on all frequencies: we surrender.”
(And a generation of Trekkers put their heads in their hands and groan “Kirk would never have surrendered!” Welcome to the new generation...)

Zorn (to the air apparently): “You have been told not to do that! Why can't you understand? It will arouse their suspicion, and if that happens, we will have to punish you! We will, I promise you!”

Picard: “I'm not a family man, Riker, and yet Starfleet has given me a ship with children aboard. I'm not comfortable with children. But since a captain needs an image of geniality, you're to see that's what I project.”

McCoy: “I see no points on your ears, boy, but you sure sound like a Vulcan!”
Data: “No, Sir. I am an android.”
McCoy: “Hmph! Almost as bad!”

Picard: “Counsellor, may I introduce our new First Officer, Commander William Riker. Commander, this is our Ship's Counsellor, Deanna Troi.”
Troi: “A pleasure, Commander.”
Riker: “Likewise, Counsellor.”
Picard: “Have you two met before?”
Riker: “Yes sir, we have.”
Picard: “Excellent. I consider it important for my key officers to know each other's abilities.”
Troi: “We do sir, we do.”
(How little he knows of their shared history, and the unheard telepathic message Troi sends to her “Imzadi”!)

Zorn: “Captain! The Ferengi would be very interested in a base such as this!”
Picard: “Fine. Let's hope they find you as tasty as they did their past associates!”

Riker: “But you're ...”
Data: “A machine, Sir, yes. Does that trouble you?”
Riker: “Honestly, yes.”
Data: “Understood, Sir. Prejudice is very human.”
Riker: “Now that does trouble me. Do you consider yourself superior to humans?”
Data: “I am superior, Sir, in many ways. But I would give it all up, to be human.”
Rike: “Nice to meet you, Pinocchio.”

Picard: “Some problem, Commander?”
Riker: “Just wondering if all our missions will go this way, Sir?”
Picard: “Oh no, Number One. I'm sure most of them will be much more interesting. Let's see what's out there.”

Parallels
There's a very distinct similarity here in what Q is doing to what Squire Trelayne made Kirk undergo in “The Squire of Gothos.” He, too, was a judge and accused Kirk, whom he then hunted.

There are also slightly less similar, but still alike, parallels to be drawn with “Devil n the dark”, in which the killer of miners on a planet is found to be a creature that can burrow through solid rock, and which is killing in revenge for the destruction of its eggs, cracked when the miners broke into a shaft which was in fact the creature's nursery.

It wasn't meant to be this way!
Sometimes ideas were barely pencilled in and fleshed out later, so that things changed over the course of the series, many of them taking on totally different aspects and meanings than they were originally intended to have.

Q, presented here as a dark, evil, all-powerful enemy, would soon become the butt of jokes, a nuisance, an annoyance and at one point, an unwilling member of the crew. He would become a source of comic relief, but one thing that would always be true was that, like Mister Burns in any episode of The Simpsons, you could be guaranteed a good story if he were in it.

Data, the android officer, quickly loses his stilted syntax, where he prefaces each statement with a qualifier, such as “Inqury: blah blah” or “Supposition: blah bah.” This would probably have got old very quickly, and was in fact dispensed with by the end of this episode.

The Ferengi are here mentioned only, and painted as a deeply unlikeable race who seem quite savage. When we actually meet them, in “The last outpost”, for the first time, and later, in “The battle”, this image will be kept up to an extent. But fairly quickly it becomes obvious that the Ferengi, small with huge ears and an abiding passion for wealth and its creation, and retention, are more comic relief than anything. In fact, of all the many characters and races throughout all four series and incarnations of the programme, none would come to be more loved and give us more amusement than the Ferengi, especially when we get to Deep Space 9 and meet Quark. But that's for another time. For now, all I can say is that whatever they were meant to start out as, the Ferengi became something totally different, a real and true example perhaps of a character or type taking over its own destiny, and writing itself as it wanted to be written.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

There were of course many changes from the original series, the first and most evident in the opening titles. Whereas Kirk spoke of a “five year mission” --- no doubt in the hopes that the series would get five seasons, no such luck! --- Picard talks of an “ongoing mission”. Ironic really, as TNG ended up running for seven full seasons, so he could theoretically have said “her seven year mission”. Also, the ship is not anthropomorphised, neither in the credits nor in the show. It is always “it” or “the ship”, never “she”, that I can remember. Speaking of gender neutrality, the original voiceover had declared that the mission was “to boldly go where no man has gone before”, but now it was “to boldly go where no-one has gone before”, so they kept the tagline but updated it for the more PC 1980s. Mind you, given Picard's lack of hair, it could have been rather unkindly changed to "To baldly go..." ;)

The ship has gone from being a Constitution-class vessel with about 400 crew to having a complement of over a thousand and being upgraded to “Galaxy”-class. It's still powered, however, by the humble dilithium crystals that provided engine power to NCC-1701, and indeed, speaking of that, it retains the construction number but with an extra letter, so that it is now NCC-1701D. Some things are not open to that much change.

Whereas the original Enterprise was essentially a warship, an exploratory but primarily military vessel, with only the crew aboard essential to its operation, the new incarnation is more of a floating city, or at least floating apartment block, with families living there, shops and schools and recreational facilities all provided. Plus of course the Holodeck, of which more later. The primary goal of NCC-1701D is not combat, but exploration, and though it's armed as well as any warship in the fleet --- and is in fact the flagship --- Picard tries to rely more on diplomacy than brute strength in any negotiation. Of course, if that fails then the ship is more than able to hold its own.

Expanding on the multi-cultural idea central to the franchise, NCC-1701D has as part of its crew not only an android and a telepath, but one of the traditional enemies of the Federation, a Klingon, though we will find later on that the age-old “cold war” that had been raging between the two races over the run of TOS has come to an end, and they are now uneasy allies.

Oh, those uniforms! Seems for the Counsellor at any rate, the idea that drove the Original Series was still in vogue, and Deanna wears a quite short minidress, which quickly disappeared to be replaced by, um, a tight catsuit affair? Eventually her clothing would become more flattering and respectable, and her hair, down here but which will be for much of the first season stuck up in a very unbecoming bun, would soon flow loosely about her shoulders, allowing her to reveal the sexy woman who hid behind the cold mask of the half-Betazoid Counsellor.

The captain, too, is far from the genial, easy manner of James Kirk. Here, he's a tough authoritarian, a disciplinarian, a stickler for the rules. Slow to smile or see a joke, keeping himself aloof and unapproachable, he's almost a throwback in personality to Captain Pike. The difference here, and it's an important one, is that he is surrounded by interesting, likeable characters who, while they will certainly include the captain in their circle if and when he requires or demands it, are perfectly capable of socialising with each other and building their own strong bonds and relationships among one another. So although the captain might seem to be cold and unforgiving, his crew are quite the opposite, and though he will be the central figure in the series, there will be episodes which will take place around or even without him, and they will generally not suffer from his being the figure in the frame.

This is also the first time Star Trek will feature actors other than American ones (Sulu and Chekov excepted): the man in charge is English, something of a cosmic shift for US science-fiction, and portrayed as being of French descent, another first.

Holodeck Stories
The Holodeck is indeed an amazing technological marvel. Using the latest advances in dimensional hologrammatical creation, anything that can be imagined can be programmed into the ship's computer and realised as a holodeck simulation. This will lead to many stories being set on, or around, the Holodeck and here I'll be talking about how this innovation is used, whether its use helps or hinders the story, and whether, as the series gathered pace, the writers tended to rely a little too much on it for their storylines.

We're introduced to the Holodeck here, and it's totally incredible. Virtual reality to the nth degree; a real forest is created within the environs of the ship, so real that when Wesley falls into a stream he emerges from the holodeck soaking wet. Data explains it thusly: some matter within the holodeck itself has been reconfigured to make things like trees, rocks, and presumably, streams to be used in the simulation. I don't quite understand this, or whether it was an idea they stuck to, as when someone shuts the holodeck simulation off, we're left staring at basically a gridlike pattern in the room, the bare building blocks of the holodeck. So where, then, has the material that was supposed to be being converted gone? If there is nothing in the room, and if everything has been fabricated from a virtual reality programme, then why, when you leave the holodeck wet are you still dripping water onto the deck, outside the simulation? Is it because the programme is still running? But if you were to meet a hologrammatically-created character in there, one who existed nowhere else but in the simulation, and he or she or it tried to cross the threshold of the holodeck, it would vanish. We will see it happen: nothing truly “exists” beyond the confines of the simulated world. So by that logic, the water Wesley fell into should not either, and he should emerge dry.

Someone with deeper knowledge of the workings of the holodeck might be able to answer that. For me, it's a bit of a conundrum that, certainly within the strictures of the series, is never adequately addressed or explained. Similarly, if the wall is actually there physically, but “disguised as forest”, as Data points out when he throws a rock seemingly into the trees and it bounces off the bulkhead, how have they been able to walk “through” that bulkhead just a moment before? Holodeck mechanics will always confuse me. I mean, no matter how realistic the simulation is, how can you walk, drive or ride a road for an hour that is in reality situated in a space which would take you at best ten minutes to traverse? I don't think it's ever adequately explained though, so I certainly won't attempt to.

A real, live boy!
Data's continual pursuit of humanity is a recurring theme throughout the entire series. In this section I'll be cataloguing his efforts --- successful and less so --- to become as human as he can make himself, from physical changes to, more usually, the way he relates to the others in the crew, and they to him.

Even here, he has already dropped the qualifier before each sentence, as I already mentioned, and by the end he is frowning that he seems to be commenting on everything. Riker tells him to keep it up; it's a very human thing to do. Riker has already called him “friend”, which must please the android. Or would, if he knew what pleasure was and could recognise it. He reveals here that his rank of Lieutenant Commander is not honourary, as Riker had assumed: he went through the entire Starfleet Academy course and earned his uniform, just as any other living entity has to.

Family
Somewhat like the original pilot “The Cage”, the pilot for TNG begins with certain things already in motion. The new Enterprise is on her maiden voyage, to be sure, but certain relationships have already been established, or hinted at. This serves to give these characters history almost immediately and make us care about them, unlike the hamfisted way the TOS pilot went about it. Here I'll be cataloguing the relationships that spring up, fall apart, bind together and in some cases threaten to tear the crew apart.

Riker and Troi
We are given an insight into their history together when Troi communicates telepathically with Riker, intimating that they have had a previous sexual or romantic relationship. She calls him, in his head, imzadi, which we later learn is the Betazoid word for “beloved”. She talks about not having wanted to say goodbye, and asks if he remembers their last liaison. They say nothing of this to the captain, who might see this as a conflict of interest, romance in the workplace and all that. Riker must however be somehow unaware of Deanna's posting to the Enterprise, as he acts shocked and embarrassed and uncomfortable when he is “introduced” to her by the captain.

Their relationship threatens to resurface and overpower their duty when Troi shouts after Riker, worrying he may be hurt by staying on the planet while ordering her to return to the ship. He retorts coldly “You have your orders”, but some part of him must be gratified to see she still cares for him. As does he for her; when she is experiencing such strong emotions below the city that they threaten to overwhelm her, he flies to her side and apologises for ordering her to open her mind, even though he knows that it was necessary, even vital. But prior to that, afraid of being alone with her, and how it might compromise their mission, he refutes her suggestion as they are splitting up that she should go with him, and instead goes with Data.

Picard and Crusher
This is a much more low-key relationship throughout the series, but it's clear that Picard, while the best friend of her late husband, has feelings for Beverly, feelings he would never have acted upon or even admitted to while Jack Crusher was alive, and, feeling responsible for his death, will now never reveal, for fear of dishonouring his friend's memory. He believes the posting must be difficult for Crusher, and offers to approve a transfer request, until she tells him she actually requested the posting to his new command. Knowing that she therefore has --- or says she has --- no problem being so close to him, he relaxes but there will always be that undercurrent of repressed sexual tension that could explode at any moment.

Days with Data
Just for the craic, I'll be recording here some of the crazy things Data says, as he struggles to emulate and understand human behaviour. Sometimes they are quite remarkably funny, though here the only one that springs to mind is when he asks Picard to explain what the word “sneak” means, and after the captain has given him some synonyms, he takes over with more, saying “Ah yes! To slink, go stealthily, slither, glide, gumshoe.” It's not really funny, not this time, but it does serve to illustrate how literal he can take the world sometimes, and he will, trust me, come up with some howlers.

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Time to check out the totty --- er, I mean, strong female characters --- in the Trekverse. More than possibly any other science-fiction series, Star Trek has some really important female characters, even a captain of a starship. The first sf series I think to really push women to the forefront, Trek has led the way in redefining the role of women, not only in science-fiction but in drama too. The days when all women did in drama was scream or be terrified or saved by the hero are long gone, and Trek has led the way in abolishing that stereotype.
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Lieutenant Uhura, played by Nichelle Nichols

Of course perhaps one of the most important, certainly one of the first African-American women to be given a role of any substance on television drama, Uhura was the feisty Swahili who, er, manned the switchboard on the original USS Enterprise. Really, to an extent I don’t understand why her role is so trumpeted and celebrated: she was nothing more than a glorified telephone operator and receptionist who took Kirk’s calls. “What? You’ll have to speak up. Cling what? Oh: Klingon! Sorry? No, I’m afraid the Captain is not available for --- what did you say again? --- man to man combat to prove who is the greater leader? No, I’m sorry, he’s currently living in an alternate existence where he moves so fast we can barely make him out as more than an insect’s buzz. Perhaps I can pencil you in for next Thursday? No? You have a planet to conquer. I see. Hmm. Monday week? That’s fine then. I’ll put it in his diary.”

In reality, much of the dialogue Uhura had was along the lines of “Message coming in for you Captain”, or “Hailing frequencies open Sir.” It was only in the movies she got to really step outside her predefined role and actually act a bit. Nevertheless, for the time I suppose it was a big step for her not to be making the synth-coffee, so there is that. Roddenberry’s ideas of equality for women though didn’t stretch to how they were dressed, as every woman on the Enterprise for most of the series wore very short skirts and FMBs. Uhura will however always been known as half of the very first ever interracial kiss on television, though the episode in which this occurs, “Plato’s stepchildren”, was banned for many years, mostly for this very reason but also because of the rather graphic for the time allusions to torture.

Uhura served on the Enterprise from the first episode after the real pilot (she wasn’t there for “The cage” either) and remained there till the end, carrying on to reprise her role in all the movies starring the original Trek crew. As a result of her portrayal of the character Nichelle Nichols got to meet Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who convinced her to stay on, after she had been considering leaving the show, telling her that she was an icon and a beacon for black Americans. Her role inspired Whoopi Goldberg to test out for the role of Guinan in TNG, but you can’t have everything.

Interestingly, of the few female characters on TOS, Uhura generally did not get treated like a woman, as in, she was not comforted, ignored, laughed at or harrassed. Perhaps because of her role, or because she was black and therefore seen to be tough (or because the studio didn’t wish to shoot themselves in the foot by featuring a black actress and then downplaying her significance) she was generally respected and treated almost as one of the boys. She did occasionally get to go planetside, but not very often. She seems to have had a sort of crush on Kirk, as she says in the aforementioned “Plato’s stepchilden” that he always made her feel safe, always seemed to know what to do, always in command.

Uhura’s character was ported into the reboot of the franchise from 2009, and played by Zoe Saldana.

As much as we’ve laughed at some of what I consider to be the poorer episodes in the franchise (plenty more to come!) the bulk of the episodes were really good, and a lot of them were actually great. This would of course have to be the case, otherwise even the original series would not have survived, and Star Trek as a whole contains some of the very best science-fiction, and indeed drama, writing, on television. Some episodes of course stand out head and shoulders above others, and these will be the ones I’ll be looking at here in this section. The times when the writing was spot-on, the acting perfect; plots that moved on or developed an overarching storyline or else stood alone but stood out from the crowd in so doing. The times when you would look at the series and say, yeah, this is what it’s all about. The times you would be proud to be a fan, and wonder what would come next. The times when the series rewarded its viewers and justified its presence on the air. In other words, the times they completely
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Title: The Best of Both Worlds, Part One
Series: TNG
Season: Three
Writer(s): Michael Piller
Main character(s): Picard, Riker
Plot: The feared enemy the Enterprise briefly encountered in the previous season’s “Q Who”, the relentless Borg, find their way to the Alpha Sector and begin destroying planets as they harvest lifeforms to assimilate. When the Federation opposes them, they assimilate Captain Picard and make him their tactical leader.

Forever the very best episode of TNG --- perhaps of all the series --- this episode reintroduced us to the Borg, a synthetic, robotic lifeform who all operate as one, like a beehive. They cannot be reasoned with, they cannot be bargained with, they cannot be defeated. Their ships are huge floating computers in the shape of massive cubes, and they begin to regenerate as soon as they take damage, as the Borg drones set about repairing their vessel. “The best of both worlds” is a two part episode, one of only a handful in TNG, but I prefer the first part as it builds up the tension; at first, we don’t know quite what’s happening on the colony that has been attacked, although this is a mystery that is quickly solved. Then there's the rivalry between Riker and Shelby, who plans to replace him after he has taken command of the new ship he has been offered, but he refuses the promotion.

We also get our first proper look at the inside of a Borg cube, near the end, and learn a little more about them when we see a Borg baby already hooked up to a computer. But our biggest shock is of course the assimilation of Picard, which ends the episode, and the season, as “Locutus of Borg” orders the Enterprise to surrender and escort them to Earth, Riker preparing to fire on the Borg cube.

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Title: Devil in the Dark
Series: TOS
Season: One
Writer(s): Gene L. Coon
Main character(s): Kirk, Spock
Plot: Something is killing miners on Janus VI and the Enterprise is sent there to investigate. It turns out to be a creature who can burrow through solid rock, but there is a twist in the tale.

There’s so much I love about this episode. One of the first eco-friendly episodes, it takes the whole idea of a ruthless, savage attack and turns it completely on its head. From the title, we’re led to believe that what is on this planet is a horrible, deadly beast that wants to kill, but what we end up with is a mother fiercely protecting her young, and when unable to and they die, avenging them. Spock comes into his own here, the only one capable or open-minded enough to realise that the Horta may not be simply blindly killing, and he initiates a Vulcan mind meld with it --- I believe this is only the second time the telepathic communication is used --- to divine its intentions, eventually creating the framework for a peaceful and profitable coexistence between the miners and the aliens. Even the name of the planet is well chosen --- Janus being the two-faced god of the Romans, and this episode certainly having two sides to its story. The central theme, that we need not always judge a book by its cover and should seek violence only as a last resort, was one that Star Trek in its many incarnations returned to time and again.

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Title: Living Witness
Series: VOY
Season: Four
Writer(s): Brannon Braga, Bryan Fuller and Joe Menosky
Main character(s): The Doctor
Plot: An alien museum in the future hosts an exhibition about Voyager, but it has all its facts terribly skewed. When the Doctor’s program is found and rerun, he sets the record straight but causes controversy as he challenges long-held beliefs.

As ever in this series, it’s an episode with the Doctor or Seven (occasionally both) that proves how good Voyager could be when they really tried. This episode truly stands out, even if its main premise is somewhat hijacked from Babylon 5’s “The deconstruction of falling stars”. Robert Picardo puts in as ever a flawless performance and proves that, like or even sometimes superceding Data, a non-human lifeform can often by more human than an actual one. Although he is only, in this episode, a backup copy of a hologrammatic simulation of a real man, he is still worried about the consequences revealing the actual truth about Voyager and the part the peoples of this planet played in its story will cause, and even at one point accepts he may be tried as a war criminal rather than bring this evidence to light.

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Title: The Visitor
Series: DS9
Season: Four
Writer(s): Michael Taylor
Main character(s): Jake Sisko
Plot: A young girl, a student who is considering a career in writing, arrives to speak to the reclusive writer, Jake Sisko, who is now quite old. When asked why he only write the one novel, Jake relates the tale of how his father died in a freak accident, or so they had thought. In fact, Sisko was trapped in an alternate dimension and Jake has spent the next few decades trying to bring him back. At the end, he realises he must die in order to save his father. The current timeline is erased when Sisko, on Jake’s advice, manages to avoid the discharge that “killed” him originally. It’s a beautiful little episode, based on a feeling of “what if” and showing the depth of love between the bioy and his son. Tony Todd shines in the role of elder Jake. Given all the Dominion stuff going on from season 4 onward, this is a quiet, personal but extremely poignant and powerful episode that shows why DS9 was regarded as the most mature and creative of the entire franchise.

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Title: Darmok
Series: TNG
Season: Five
Writer(s): Joe Menosky, Phillip LaZebnik
Main character(s): Picard
Plot: When the Enterprise encounters a race with whom communication appears to be impossible, Picard is transported to a nearby planet by the captain of the alien vessel, and they try to figure each other out, while also teaming up against a savage alien monster that plagues the planet.

An incredible example of how words are not always necessary for communication, somewhat similar in tone to season two's "Loud as a whisper". With gestures, hints and examples Picard learns enough of the language of his adversary to realise that he is not after all being challenged to single combat, but to stand with the alien captain against the monster on the planet. His attempts to understand what is going on, and the denouement, when he eventually returns to the ship and is able to converse with the aliens, are worth watching the episode for alone. A great character piece for Stewart, and the alien captain, played by Paul Winfield, does brilliantly as he tries to explain his language to the annoying human who insists on misinterpreting everything.

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Name: Risa
Alignment: Neutral, but a member of the Federation
Home to: Risian culture
Capital city: Nuvia
Orbital star: Epsilon Ceti B

If Ferenginar is a place you wouldn’t maroon your worst enemy, Risa is where the in-crowd go. Officially the holiday planet, it is able to boast controlled weather, which means that there are no nasty surprises waiting for you and you can be guaranteed a good holiday. Risa is also one of the most beautiful planets in the galaxy, having such features as Suraya Bay, where the villas are actually built into the cliffs that overlook the lake, Galartha, a rock face that changes pitch and handholds as you climb, subterranean gardens and Temtibi Lagoon, where it never rains thanks to the weather control.

If casual sex is more your thing though, you’ll go a long way before you find inhabitants as sexually permissive and adventurous as the Risians, who are always ready to make a newcomer feel welcome. Weapons are not allowed on the planet at all, so it’s also a very safe and law-abiding place. Surprisingly enough, Risa was not always the paradise it is today. Originally it could have rivalled the Ferengi homeworld for rain and high winds, and had little to recommend it. But through the employment of a sophisticated weather control system the Risians terraformed the planet and made it into the hot tourist resort it has become known as. Also interesting is the history behind Risa’s transformation, which mirrors the tale of Bugsy Siegal’s creation out of the desert of Las Vegas as the mecca of gambling.

A man named Arlo Leyven, on the run from the authorities, crashed on Risa and immediately saw its potential. He decided to make it the premier tourist spot in the galaxy, and borrowed heavily from the shady Orion Syndicate to finance the building of and use of the weather system that would turn Risa into a paradise and make him a very rich man in the process. He was however assassinated some time later and the planet itself was devastated by the Borg attack on the Alpha Quadrant. It has since been rebuilt and remains one of the most popular destinations in the galaxy for tourists.

Although in general we at The Couch Potato do not tend to concern ourselves overmuch with music, it is perhaps appropriate to look into the various themes and soundtracks that have attended the franchise over the decades, from the very first, original theme by Alexander Courage to the current updated ones for the reboot movies. Therefore I wish now to present to you
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At the bottom end of the scale, a theme not too well known --- indeed, a series not that well known either --- but which has a certain charm that appeals to me. It's basically just the original series's theme slightly altered, but I rather like it. So in at
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we have
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Name: Jake Sisko
Race: Human
Born: Earth
Assignment: Deep Space 9
Marital status: Single
Family: Captain Benjamin (Father), Jennifer (Mother, deceased), Joseph (Grandfather), Kasidy Yates (Stepmother)
Important episodes: A Man Alone, The Nagus, Babel, The Jem’Hadar, Civil Defense, Explorers, Homefront, Paradise Lost, Shattered Mirror, Rapture, The Reckoning, Nor the Battle to the Strong, Call to Arms, A Time to Stand, Sacrifice of Angels, Behind the Lines, Valiant, The Visitor, Tears of the Prophets, Shadows and Symbols.

Quite young when he is uprooted from his home and transplanted to the space station Deep Space 9 with his father, Jakes moans about the inconvenience but soon realises he is in a spot envied by other kids his age, as the wormhole is discovered and he has a front row seat. Even so, Jake is a young boy and he does the things young boys do, ie get into trouble. Most of this is thanks to, or at least with the complicity and encouragement of Nog, Ferengi son of Rom, Quark’s cousin. The captain does not approve of the association, believing the Ferengi to be a bad influence on his son, but despite that --- or probably because of it --- the friendship thrives. Jake is with his father taking a break in the Gamma Quadrant when they encounter the first Vorta and soon after the Jem’Hadar. Jake and Nog manage to alert the station by flying the runabout back to friendly space.

Jake soon decides he does not wish to follow in his father’s footsteps; much more quickly than Wesley Crusher in TNG he comes to realise that a career in Starfleet, although expected of him and basically mapped out for him, is not the path he wishes to tread. Instead he turns his energies towards writing, cataloguing the events that occur at the station and later the unfolding of the Dominion War. Although she dies when he is eleven, Jake gets to meet his mother when she visits from the alternate universe and kidnaps him in order to force Captain Sisko to pursue her there and then help build a replica of the Defiant. Although he finds he has no stomach for fighting, he elects to remain behind when Deep Space 9 falls to the Dominion, in order to report the news of developments and, clandestinely, to help organise a resistance against the station’s occupying force.

In later life Jake became a famous writer, but he only ever wrote one novel. This occurred, however, in an alternate timeline that was destroyed when he managed to prevent his father dying, so whether it really happened or not is unknown.

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Vulcans

Class: Humanoid, pacifists
Home planet: Vulcan
Feature in: TOS, TNG, VOY, ENT
Values: Logic, calculating thought, peace, serenity, clear thinking, non-violence
Vulcans of note: Sarek, Surak, Spock, Tuvok, T’Pel, T’Pau

The polar opposite of the Klingons, Vulcans prefer the cold logic of the mathematic equation to the hot blood of the warrior, and are much happier in meditative contemplation than searching for worlds to conquer. Contrary to public belief, they do have emotions but have learned over the millennia to control them to such a degree that it often seems as if they do not have them. It is rare indeed to see a Vulcan smile, laugh, cry or get angry. They consider such “base displays of emotion” to be beneath them, distasteful and embarrassing, and in fact see them as illogical, the very antithesis to the core beliefs on which their society is founded. Vulcans share a common ancestry with the Romulans; both were part of the one race, but whereas one offshoot decided to pursue logic and rational thinking, and expunge emotion as far as possible from their world, the Romulans retained their warlike tendencies and split off from the mother race, making the planets Romulus and Remus their home worlds. Though they are essentially Vulcans, Romulans are shunned by Vulcans as they remind them of the path their entire race was heading down, and are an uncomfortable reminder of how all Vulcans could have ended up, were they not saved by the great thinker Surak and the freedom of logic.

However, because they refuse to show emotion Vulcans are looked on as cold and arrogant. Well, they kind of are: Vulcans don’t think they’re better than anyone else, they know they are. It is pure logic, as far as they see it. If they can resist being prodded, jabbed, angered, goaded where another race --- any race --- would lose its cool, then that makes them better. They’re certainly more intelligent, having devoted so much time to studying philosophy, arts, science and of course mathematics, and they’re not shy about showing it. In fact, Vulcans don’t show off: they simply do what they do and if others think that’s showing off then it means literally nothing to them. Their quiet, unruffled nature of course makes them perfectly suited to be mediators, ambassadors, negotiators. Vulcans however are almost totally pacifist; they abhor violence and even though they possess great physical strength will seldom ever use it. They do have a way of incapacitating an enemy without hurting them, something called a nerve pinch. This causes the subject to drop down unconscious, though for how long is unclear.

Vulcans were the first alien race humanity encountered, shortly after conducting their first warp speed test flight, and therefore the destinies of both races has always been tightly interwoven. Even so, few Vulcans have served in Starfleet, as the idea of military service is seen by the vast majority as a waste of a superior mind. Spock’s father, Sarek, always disagreed with his son’s decision to join Starfleet, and it was a source of bitterness (inasmuch as there can be bitterness between people who control their emotions so rigidy) and distance between them up until Spock’s rebirth after giving his life to save the USS Enterprise. Vulcans seldom intermarry, but Sarek fell in love with a human woman, and married her. This then made Spock half-human, and therefore something of an outcast in his society growing up. Having human heritage did however give Spock a unique insight into humans, and helped him to work better with these emotional creatures.

Despite their logic --- or perhaps because of it --- Vulcans are very spiritual and believe in the resurrection of the body, as well as certain gods. They attend to their mysticism and worship with the same stoic, unemotional dedication they apply to learning, or studying. Women seem to have equal standing in their society, probably because it is after all illogical to differentiate between the sexes, and as Spock points out to his captain at one juncture, they have no egos to bruise. Because emotion colours speech, all Vulcans speak in a calm, unhurried tone and seldom betray any expression beyond perhaps the raising of an eyebrow.

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Counsellor Deanna Troi, played by Marina Sirtis

With a new ship, a new series and a new way to look at things, TNG created the position of Ship’s Counsellor, a role that had never existed before. Basically part therapist, part almost nanny to the ship’s crew, it is Deanna Troi’s job to ensure the mental well-being of those who serve aboard NCC-1701D, and most crew members would schedule or have scheduled for them regular sessions. She is also very good with children, as she has to be, with the Enterprise carrying families into space. She is part Betazoid, a race of telepathic humanoids, and her telepathy gives her a unique advantage in her field, as she can sense when people are worried, not telling the truth, hiding something etc. She is however more than just a shrink, carrying the rank of Lieutenant Commander, and a bridge officer. Her talents are too precious to waste and so Picard makes use of them whenever he can. It’s always useful, for instance, to know if the ship facing off against you is actually going to risk opening hostilities, or if the captain is bluffing.

Troi goes down to the surface on away missions more than other female officers; again, she could be vital in any situation, as we see in the pilot episode when she detects the creature at Farpoint and its loneliness. She has been romantically involved with Commander Riker, though this seems to be in the past now. Nevertheless, when they are alone she often refers to him as “Imzadi”, or beloved, and it sometimes seems as if they have unfinished business. In the event though she falls for Worf, helping him to look after his son before he leaves the Enterprise and finds love with Jadzia Dax. In the final “proper” Star Trek movie, “Nemesis”, she is shown as having married Riker. She is a strong female role model, but perhaps mindful of the miniskirt-and-boots era of TOS, the producers of TNG originally give her an unflattering tight bun hairdo and a purple catsuit to wear, before she is eventually allowed to gracefully blossom into an attractive but independent young lady later in the series.

She maintains a close but always platonic relationship with Reginald Barclay, a transporter engineer whose shyness she helps him overcome, and is one of Data’s friends. Picard values her counsel but rarely if ever uses her first name, and of course she is very friendly with the other strong female on the ship, its doctor and chief medical officer; they often work out together and have dinner. She has the dubious distinction of being the only person --- never mind female --- to have crashed the Enterprise and destroyed its saucer section. Her mother in the series is Lwaxanna Troi, played by the late Majel Barrett-Roddenberry, who turns up from time to time in the various series. She learns, in the episode “Dark page”, that she once had a sister but that the child drowned, and her mother has or had blocked this memory out so completely that she had managed to convince herself she had only one daughter ever. Deanna’s father was a Starfleet officer, killed in action when she was little.

Coming soon to Star Trek Month: the battle everyone wants to see!
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"Jim, cancel those Orion Slave Girls! I've just sorted the entertainment for the Christmas party!"
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As mentioned some time ago, the first movies I want to review are all of the Star Trek ones, so obviously much of that was going to happen here, this month. I've no chance of getting through them all, but I can tell you I've done the first four. Whether I manage any more before the end of the month is debatable but we'll see.

For now, sit back, enjoy the view of space from the viewscreen, pop your quantum headphones on and enjoy the ride!
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Title: Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Released: 1979
Writer(s): Alan Dean Foster/ Harold Livingston
Director: Robert Wise
Starring: All the usual Star Trek crew plus: Stephen Collins as Willard Decker, Persis Khambhatta as Ilia
Runtime: 132 minutes
Budget: USD 46 million
Boxoffice: USD 134 million
Critical acclaim: Very low
Fan acclaim: Very low
Legacy: First in the franchise, but quickly forgotten about.
Enterprise: NCC-1701

Finally convinced they had killed the goose that laid the golden egg when they had cancelled the original Star Trek series in 1969, and having seen its phenomenal success in syndication all over the world, Paramount decided to cash in on this and began plans to revive the series, but changed their minds in 1978 and went for a movie release instead. This is not hard to understand. The late seventies had seen movies such as Alien, Star Wars and Close Encounters coin it in, and make a mockery of the belief that sci-fi was just for geeks and losers. Smashing box-offices all over the world, it seemed science-fiction and space opera was here to stay, and you could buy your next beachfront property if you hedged your bets in that area. And so in 1978 filming began on what would be the first live-action reincarnation of Star Trek since the original series was cancelled.

What resulted, sadly, was a critical and creative failure, although it did pull in the box-office receipts. It does have to be stressed though that most of those who went to see the film more than likely did so because it was after all the first Star Trek movie. There are no records for film-goers who went to see it and were disappointed: you couldn't demand your money back at the end. Not that it was that bad. But it was. Listen to this:

A huge alien energy cloud is headed for Earth, and is surprisingly immune to the photon torpedoes three Klingon warships throw at it, destroying them all in the process, and also taking out one of the Federation's monitoring stations on the way. Spock, on pilgrimage to Vulcan, is about to reach Kolinahr, the state prized by his people in which total control of their emotions is achieved, but just as the culmination of his labours arrives and he is about to be presented with the symbol of total logic, something distracts him. He hears a call from out in space, and the high priestess realises he is listening to his human emotions, and that he is not yet ready. Back on Earth, at Starfleet Headquarters an older but perhaps not necessarily wiser Admiral James Kirk demands to take command of his old ship, which is being refitted and will soon be ready to be launched on its first mission. There is one problem though: the USS Enterprise already has a captain, one Willard Decker, and he is not happy about handing over the captain's chair.

There are many new crew members, but when Lieutenant Ilia, a Deltan, boards, it is clear that she and Decker have history, although she mentions a vow of celibacy. En route, another crewmember joins them. It is Spock, but if they expected a tearful reunion the crew are to be disappointed, as the Vulcan is, if possible, even less friendly and more aloof than before. He is however able to help Scotty repair and recalibrate the engines, after Kirk had foolishly demanded warp speed too soon, taking them into a wormhole and nearly destroying the ship, certainly damaging the engines. Spock tells Kirk and McCoy that he began sensing a powerful intelligence while on Vulcan, an exceedingly logical being, and believes that his answers, which he was unable to find while on his home planet, may lie within the entity they are approaching.

With his help, the Enterprise makes it to the cloud while it is still one day away from Earth, whereupon they are scanned, and Spock says he believes there is an object at the heart of the cloud. He also detects a feeling of surprise, that they have not responded, having been contacted. Kirk refrains from assuming a defensive posture, in case this is misinterpreted by the cloud (or whatever is at its heart) as a hostile act, but when they are attacked he has no choice. Spock manages to modify their communications to allow them to send messages of friendship the entity can understand and interpret, and the attack is broken off. For now. Needing to make contact with whatever is inside the cloud, Kirk has little alternative but to order the ship to enter the cloud, despite the danger and the uncertainty. On doing so, they do indeed find an object inside; seems to be some sort of alien spacecraft. As they hold position over the craft they are suddenly probed. Spock tries to shut off the ship's computer, as the probe is running their databanks, but the probe attacks him. Next it goes for Ilia, vapourising her and then disappearing. The Enterprise is drawn inside the alien craft.

Suddenly there is a security alert and they rush to find that Liuetenant Ilia has returned. Or not quite. Her form is that of the Deltan, but the voice speaks with a mechanical monotone, and McCoy and Spock confirm it is a probe from the alien vessel, merely taking the form of Ilia, the better to communicate with them. It says it is from V'ger, and wishes to study “the carbon-based lifeforms infesting the Enterprise.” That's them: Kirk, Spock, Scotty, the whole crew. Carbon-based lifeforms. That's us. The probe tells them it is heading towards Earth in order to merge with “the Creator”, but when Kirk tries to dig deeper he gets no further explanation. He sets Decker to chaperone the probe, as he was involved with Ilia, and the probe tells him that once it has completed its examination it will “reduce all carbon units to data packets.” Doesn't sound too good for the crew of NCC-1701! Meanwhile, Spock goes out of the ship to penetrate into the inner chamber of the vessel, a risky manoeuvre but he finds inside some sort of digital holographic record of all the planets and places this V'Ger has visited. He believes it is not a vessel after all now, but a living being.

He finds a pulsing sensor at the centre of the chamber and believing it to be some sort of conduit for the intelligence driving the alien, tries to mind-meld with it, but it literally blows his mind and he floats, unconscious, until Kirk, who has gone out after him, finds him and brings him back to the ship. He tells Kirk that the alien, V'ger, is a probe from a world populated by living machines, is incapable of understanding emotion, and is going through what can only be described as an existential crisis, as it seeks to discover if this is all there is to its existence? The cloud is now almost within reach of Earth, and V'ger begins sending an old-style radio signal --- a message to its creator, which it expects to be answered. When no reply is forthcoming, the vessel, entity or whatever it is sets up powerful weapons arrays above the planet, after having knocked out all defensive systems, as it prepares to scour the Earth of life.

In a desperate ploy to save his home planet (and his own life; they're next obviously) Kirk tells the probe that he knows why the signal has not been responded to, why the creator has not replied, but he will only disclose this information on two conditions: one, the orbiting devices must be removed from around the planet, and two, he must give the information directly to V'ger. He and Spock have realised that if the probe takes them to the central processor unit of the vessel, they should be able to deactivate the devices. The probe agrees, but the devices will only be removed after Kirk has disclosed the required information. V'ger learns fast! And so they are taken into the machine, where with the benefit of an oxygen atmosphere being provided we are treated to the first ever instance of the crew walking on the saucer section of the Enterprise outside.

What they find solves the mystery. A huge alien probe, and at its heart an old Earth one, Voyager VI. V'Ger is Voyager, and it is trying to transmit its collected data back to Earth, its creator. It was launched three hundred years ago, but now has been sent back by the inhabitants of the machine world, and is trying to fulfil its mission. But it can't, as there is nobody left on Earth who knows the transmission code that will allow it to send its data. Kirk has Uhura look it up and they send the code, but V'Ger does not receive it, having intentionally (apparently) burned out the wires that make the connection with its receiver. It wants to literally join with the creator, whom it now sees as Decker, with Ilia the probe. So Decker will after all get his end away and Ilia's vow of celibacy is about to be broken in the most spectacular fashion!

Decker puts in the transmission sequence manually and he and Ilia the probe are surrounded by light as they join and science goes out the window under total Star Trek technobabble. The cloud, the probe, the orbiting devices all disappear and the day is saved as the Enterprise comes out triumphantly, having once again saved the day.

QUOTES
Kirk (on taking over the captaincy): “I'm sorry Will.”
Decker: “No, sir, I don't believe you are. I don't believe you're sorry one bit, Admiral. I remember when I took command of the Enterprise you told me how envious you were, and how you hoped to get a command yourself. Well, sir, it looks like you found a way.”
(Considering he has not asked for permission to speak freely, this could go down on Decker's record as insubordination. He is, after all, talking to a superior officer in a very belligerent and familiar way).

McCoy: “The admiral invoked a little-known, seldom-used clause called a reactivation order. In simpler language, they drafted me.”
Kirk: “They didn't.”
McCoy: “This was your idea?”
Kirk: “Bones, there's a ... thing out there ...”
McCoy: “Why is any object we don't understand always called a thing?”
Kirk: “It's headed this way. I need you. Damn it Bones: I need you! Badly!”
(You'd have to wonder at the validity of this. After all, McCoy is a doctor, this is a cloud measuring tens of atmospheric units across. What's he gonna do? Diagnose it?)

Decker: “Permission to speak freely sir?”
Kirk: “Granted.”
Decker: “You haven't logged a star hour in over two and a half years, sir. That, plus your unfamiliarity with this ship and its redesign, in my opinion sir, seriously jeopardises this mission.”

Kirk: “Full sensor scan, Mr. Spock. They can't expect us not to look them over now.”
Decker: “Not now we're looking right down their throats.”
Kirk: “Right. Now that we have them just where they want us.”

Kirk: “Where's Lieutenant Ilia?”
Probe: “That unit no longer functions.”
(Oh. What an epitaph for the Deltan officer: Here lies Lt. Ilia, of the USS Enterprise. She no longer functions.)

Kirk: “Who is the creator?”
Probe: “The creator is that which created V'ger.”
Kirk: “And who is V'ger?”
Probe: “V'ger is that which was made by the creator .”
(Circular logic at its best!)

Decker: “Within that shell are the memories of ... a certain carbon unit. If I could help you to revive those memories it might help you understand our function better.”
Probe: “That is logical. You may proceed.”
(Howay ya lad ya! ;))

Spock: “Captain, V'ger is a child. I suggest you treat it as such.”
Kirk: “A child?”
Spock: “Yes captain. A child. Learning, evolving, searching. Instinctively needing.”
Decker: “Needing what?”
McCoy: “Spock, this child is about to wipe out every living thing on Earth! What do you suggest we do: spank it?”

Kirk (as Decker prepares to manually input the signal): “Decker, don't!”
(It's such a sincere request; Kirk obvously sees his main competitor for the command of Enterprise about to be removed from the game, and he can't wait. He might as well have said “Yeah go on, do it.”)

Kirk: “Mister Sulu, ahead, warp one.”
Sulu: “Warp one, captain. Heading?”
Kirk: “Out there. Thataway.”
(I don't think you'll find this in the Starfleet manual of operations, Kirk me old chum!)

Questions?

Why does at least one of the Klingon warships not hit warp and get the fuck out of there when they see how powerful the alien cloud is? I know, I know: Klingons never run, but have they never read Sir John Falstaff? I mean, come on! They are clearly up against a vastly superior power, and as any commander worth his salt knows, it is no shame to retreat in the face of either overwhelming odds or from an enemy who has you completely outmatched. Besides, won't the Klingon High Command, to say nothing of the homeworld itself, need to be warned, apprised of the danger? Isn't this one time where a bit of brains should triumph over chest-beating brawn? But no: they instead fire --- with one of the ships already vapourised in seconds before their eyes --- three photon torpedoes at an entity which has already proven immune to such weapons. Are these guys idiots?

Kirk mentions that “the only starship in range of the cloud is the Enterprise”. But they're at Starfleet fucking headquarters! Are we supposed to believe that there is no other warship, starship or cruiser docked there, that the only ship moored there of consequence is NCC-1701? Seems at best unlikely.

Why does Kirk demand to be in command? Sure, we need it for the movie, but in reality, is there any justification for this? Decker knows the ship inside out, he's a competent captain. Why does Kirk think he is the only one who can complete the mission? Is he that arrogant? Don't answer. Seems to me he may just have grabbed at his only chance to get his own command again, particularly the one ship he would have wanted. A little petty? The needs of the one outweighing the needs of the many?

Spock mentions that, while inside V'ger, he saw the alien's home planet, a “planet populated by living machines”. He refers to them as “cold”, using “pure logic”. An early template for that later scourge of the galaxy, the Borg?

Memorable scenes and effects
The energy cloud is done well, but basically it's, well, a cloud with a lot of colours and things floating in it. My main plaudits have to go to the initial approach as Kirk and Scotty see the Enterprise for the first time in the movie --- I remember the lump in my throat when I saw that the first time too. After all, remember, this was the very first glimpse for us of a ship we had see carry Kirk and his crew through three seasons of television adventure, and we thought we would never see it again. A special moment. The sequence is perhaps overextended and a little indulgent, but you can forgive them for that. The scene where they leave spacedock is also very impressive.

Kirk's hubris
Never a man to listen to others when his mind is made up, Kirk is well known for pushing the limits and taking often unnecessary risks. Here, I'll be charting the moments when his overconfidence is his undoing, putting his crew and others in potential danger.

As they leave Earth, Kirk demands warp power immediately, even though everyone from Decker to Scotty advise against it: more simulation time is needed. The ship is untested, having just undergone a complete refit, and they should not be pushing things. Kirk, however, as usual listens to nobody, with the result that they nearly end up colliding with a wormhole in space and ending their mission before it has even begun. He is forced into an embarrassing climbdown, and it won't be the last time he has to admit he was wrong, or at least too hasty in ordering something. Also, while in the wormhole they encounter an object in their path. With helm unresponsive, they can't avoid it and Kirk orders phasers to fire, but Decker, knowing the new ship better, countermands the order and uses the photon torpedoes instead.

Themes and motifs
Certainly the theme of homecomings is evident here, and not surprisingly so. This is, after all, the return of Star Trek to the screen, albeit the big one too. But apart from that, it's a sort of homecoming for Kirk, who has been flying a desk for some years now and has almost forcibly changed that to ensure he has returned to the captain's chair. V'ger has its own sort of homecoming, returning to the planet from which it was launched, although certainly it comes back a changed probe, with a somewhat skewed idea of its mission! It's also a return for Decker and Ilia, as they meet again after an unspecified but not hard to guess at liaison on her home planet.

There's a theme too, though, I feel, of helplessness. Kirk feels helpless as an admiral, unable to take command of a starship as he has been used to, until he forces Starfleet's hand and convinces them to give him his old ship back. Helpless describes Decker, relieved of command and now subservient to a man he does not like, and whom, he knows, is angling for permanent command of the Enterprise. The Earth is helpless before the attack of V'Ger, and even V'ger is, to some extent, helpless, as it tries to work out what it is supposed to be doing, and how it is to do it.

Parallels
The plotline follows basically the same as a TOS episode called “The changeling”, in which an Earth probe returns, having collided with an alien probe, and, well, goes a bit loopy. Essentially, Kirk does the same here as he did there (or tries to): pretends he is the one the probe is seeking.

The relationship between Decker and Ilia, or at least their initial reunion, is mirrored almost exactly by the same scene in TNG when Riker and Troi meet on the Enterprise.

And isn’t that…?
Two cameos at the beginning of the movie for Grace Lee Whitney, returning as Janice Rand, promoted after all this time from Yeoman to Commander, who handles the disastrous transport of Sovak and another crewman, the fault in the teleporter resulting in their grisly deaths. The commander of Epsilon 9 monitoring station is none other than the late Mark Lenard, who played the Romulan commander in “Balance of terror” but is best known for playing Spock’s father, Sarek, in both TOS and TNG. He later returns as Sarek in the third movie.

Does this movie deserve its reputation?
Here I'll be looking at what is generally thought of the movie, good bad or indifferent. Does it deserve the plaudits, or indeed the derision it has earned over the years? Having watched it fresh, perhaps for the first time in a very long time, is my mind altered on how I originally received it, or does it still rock/suck, or is it still meh, or even a case of the jury being out?

The basic reputation this movie has is perhaps best encapsulated in a title my brother once jeeringly gave it, calling it “Star Trek: The Slow Motion Picture”. And he's not wrong. It's a terribly plodding, dull, uneventful movie. When you look at the later ones in the franchise, you can see how they must have agreed. There's very little action here, and no space battles at all. The only other vessels we see really, other than V'Ger, are the Klingons and they're gone within the first three minutes of the movie's opening. There's little too of the famed easy friendship between the main characters: Kirk is stilted and uptight, knowing he has overstepped his authority at least morally, in taking command of the ship and secretly unsure if he's still up to the job. Spock is even less human, having been on pilgrimage to Vulcan, and McCoy is, well, McCoy, but he's worried about Kirk. Scotty is fine, but then Scotty will always be Scotty.

The plot is wafer-thin. As I said above, it's basically cobbled from ideas taken from “The Changeling” and what was to have been the pilot for the new series, which was cancelled. It also has some elements of “2001” about it, but the resolution is ridiculous, and jumps right off the science-fiction trail into the woods of magic and sorcery. There is no scientific explanation as to why Decker suddenly becomes one with V'Ger after inputting the code, and why a new lifeform results. It might as well be magic, and it's a stupid, lazy ending. Had it ended as it should have, with V'Ger transmitting its message and Earth being saved, that would have been okay, but this pseudo-psychological mumbo-jumbo about creatures joining because someone fuses two wires.... bah!

The thing is that up to then there's very little that happens, and like a certain point in later “Generations”, when a friend at work confessed to me that she fell asleep during the scene that explained what was going on, the whole thing is very boring. It survives on one real pretext only, and that is that it was the first of the Trek movies. Everyone wanted to see the gang again, everyone was eager to see the Enterprise in action, and because of that it got what can only be described as a pass. I'd venture to bet that a very large percentage of those who went to see it came out bewildered and disappointed. In the “Questions?” section I laughed at the contention that there were no other starships in the vicinity of their fucking home base (!) but now have to ask what the hell were Starfleet doing while Kirk and Co rode to save the day? When the Enterprise, within the V'Ger cloud, gets back to Earth they still haven't launched any ships, called any back to assist in the defence of the homeworld? They're pinning all their hopes on NCC-1701, just waiting?

I'm also quite disappointed in the soundtrack. I didn't know it at the time of course, but it's basically the theme for TNG, note for note, with the odd nod back to the original theme and a few heavy bass or guitar notes when V'ger comes on the scene. Very poor. If I had to pick out things that could have saved the movie, or at least areas that impressed me, the launch of the Enterprise, the transporter accident and maybe the trip through the wormhole. That's about it. Not much in a movie that's over two hours long.

So yeah, at the end, I feel this does deserve its poor reputation. It's almost like the writers weren't trying, or maybe were trying to hard, and fell somewhere in between. The movie was overall quite boring, no real action, too wordy and without question, if she fell asleep during “Generations” then Helen would have been snoozing about ten minutes after this began. Thankfully it was the last such poor movie, and they totally upped their game for the next one. But as a debut for the film franchise it leaves a whole lot to be desired.

Therefore, having taken everything into account and approaching this both from a fresher and more informed perspective, all I can award this first Star Trek movie is a poor
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#1: Spock tells his wife and her lover to fuck off. In traditional Vulcan style, of course!
Spock returns to his home planet to fight for his mate, being in the throes of Pon Far, the Vulcan mating cycle which induces in him a blood fury. He is told by his wife, T'Pring
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that there is a challenger for her heart and he must fight for her. He prepares to engage in combat with Stonn, his rival.
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But T'Pring is clever; she can choose her champion and she does not choose Stonn, but Captain Kirk, who then has to fight his first officer.
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and believing that he has actually killed Kirk, Spock returns to the Enterprise, leaving his scheming wife with the result she wanted. Before he goes though he pwns them both:
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"Flawlessly logical", he compliments T'Pring, when she has explained her plan,that "if you won, you would not want me, and so you would leave, but Stonn would still be here. If your captain won, he would not want me and so he would leave, and there would still be Stonn." She inclines her head at the perceived compliment, but I personally believe that Spock was actually insulting her, telling her that she was unable to see beyond logic, as he has sometime managed, and more, has used logic to furnish her with the outcome she wanted.

He then turns to Stonn and says, "She is yours. You may find, after a time, that wanting and having are not the same thing."
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ZING! Fuck you, Stonn! You can have the bitch! I am OUT of here! Laters bitches!
Luckily, when he gets back to the ship he finds Kirk is not dead, and loses control of his emotions for a moment. Ah, bless!

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Cardassians

Class: Humanoid, warlike
Home planet: Cardassia Prime
Values: Stealth, cunning, treachery, strategy, betrayal, brutality, lack of mercy
Cardassians of note: Gul Dukat, Elim Garak, Enabran Tain, Tret Akleen, Gul Damar
Featured in: DS9

A warrior race like the Klingons, the Cardassians are more brutal in that they do not prize honour. In fact, in their society the most underhand and treacherous rise to the top, and in that they are probably comparable to Nazis. They wear full body armour at all times, and have just recently been defeated (they would say decided to pull out) after the fifty-year-long occupation of Bajor, whose citizens they treated as subhuman slaves. They are a military society, ruled by the Cardassian Central Command but more accurately by their intelligence arm, the shadowy and feared Obsidian Order. Cardassia is a police and military state, where even the slightest hint of disaffection is greeted with instant arrest and possible subsequent disappearance. No Cardassian trusts another, and this constant air of paranoia helps the Order to keep control of and over its people, as well as affording it the opportunity to remove any elements it deems “inappropriate”, which is to say, threatening its power.

Cardassians are not happy about their retreat from Bajor, but like the Centauri in Babylon 5, the guerilla war against them by the indigenous population became too costly to support, and anyway they had strip-mined the planet to the point of exhaustion and starvation so there was little left for them to occupy. When the Federation went to war with the Dominion, the Cardassian Empire joined the latter, fighting against Starfleet. With a small rebel force building among the Cardassians, the tide was turned and the Cardassians turned on their former allies (a typically Cardassian thing to do!). However, although they prevailed, they paid a high price and were never again the proud, conquering arrogant race they had been. Cardassians are possibly unique in being the only race that feature in only one series, Deep Space 9. They are mentioned in passing in Voyager, and I don’t care about Enterprise but I doubt it as it’s set way before anyone encountered them. Actually they’re not the only ones, but even so it’s a little odd that they are so inextricably tied into DS9.

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Every hero needs his nemesis, every goody needs his baddy and although in the Trekverse there is little in the way of arch-enemies, there are a few who crop up more than once. Star Trek as a franchise though is built more around evolving storylines than your average superhero movies, which tend to bring back in the same opponents time and again, or even the likes of Doctor Who, where you cant move without bumping into a shipfull of daleks or a Cyberman army hidden away.

Nevertheless, when Star Trek has bad guys, or girls, they're usually pretty damn good. So to speak.

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Kai Winn Adami, played by Louise Fletcher
Originally a lowly vedek, Winn ascended to power after the death of Kai Opaka and by manipulating a series of half-truths that discredited the other candidate. Once in power (and even before she gains the seat) Winn proves to be an arrogant, militant leader who wants nothing to do with the Federation. She is jealous that an alien (Sisko) has received visions from her Prophets and become their emissary, a situation that leads her into constant conflict with Sisko, both as the Emissary and as commander and later captain of Deep Space 9. In her desire for power she unwittingly allies herself with a Cardassian-funded separatist movement, and later with the Cardassians themselves, through the disguise effected by Gul Dukat. She is instrumental in his almost taking power in Bajor and releasing the evil spirits known as the Pah-Wraiths, but eventually atones somewhat for her misdeeds by trying to stop Dukat, before he disintegrates her.

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Picard lets it slip about the illegal rave being held after hours on the Enterprise...
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Getting back to our countdown of my ten favourite Trek themes, in at number
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we have one of the most maligned and least liked of the Star Trek movies, although I certainly enjoyed it a lot more than bloody Insurrection, that's for sure!
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As for the theme, I like the sort of hint of darkness, the militaristic line that runs through it. It's not so upbeat and chest-beating as most of the themes, and it's brooding and just a little sinister in a way that prepares you for a movie that is certainly atypical of the franchise; indeed, there hadn't been as dark a movie since First Contact. Given that this then was the last of the original "proper" Star Trek movies I think it got something of a bum rap, but whether you agree or not, the theme certainly stands out.

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Captain Kathryn Janeway, played by Kate Mulgrew

The first and to date I believe only female starship captain, Janeway was in pursuit of a ship full of Maquis rebels when she ordered her then-experimental USS Voyager into the area known as The Badlands, and they were all transported seventy thousand light years by the creature known as The Caretaker, thus beginning the fourth series in the franchise. Janeway is the archetypal strong female character: she does not like being addressed as ma’am but frowns on the traditional navy affectation of calling all crew by “mister”, and so she will not accept being called “Sir” either. She says “Captain” is fine.

She is certainly not a weak woman, but in ways her single-mindedness and refusal to bend often lead her into difficult and dangerous situations, like when she makes an alliance with the Federation’s traditional enemy the Borg, or when she makes the decision to strand Voyager and its crew in the Delta Quadrant. Not a woman used to having her orders questioned, she demands unswerving obedience and expects everyone to fall in line. She has a husband back in the Alpha Quadrant, of whom we only hear once, in the pilot episode, and while away her main confidantes are Tuvok and Chakotay. When Voyager rescues the Borg drone Seven of Nine, she becomes a sort of surrogate daughter for Janeway, who tries to show her how to remember to be human again. Janeway constantly battles with the ship’s doctor, who, though a hologram, is as opinionated as any crew member --- perhaps moreso ---- and is one of the few who will openly challenge her orders, perhaps because as CMO he is the only one who has the authority to relieve her of command, should the occasion arise.

Janeway’s morals are very fluid. On one level she is the quintessential Starfleet officer, sticking rigidly to its codes of conduct and hiding behind the Prime Directive, while on other occasions, when it suits her, she will flout these very rules and make often bad and ill-informed decisions. When Neelix and Tuvok become merged as one (god help the poor Vulcan!) she makes the decision to separate them, acknowledging uncomfortably the resultant new lifeform’s accusation that she is “murdering one person to save two”, perhaps another example of Spock’s “the needs of the few” logic. When everyone is against her making a deal with the Borg she goes ahead and does so, and then sulks when the alliance falls apart and she is seen to have been duped. She constantly shoots down suggestions from officers she should trust, and despite a pretty shining career refuses to promote Harry Kim in seven years.

From the very moment Star Trek: The Next Generation hit our screens the new captain was compared to the old. I did it myself ---- “Kirk would never have done that” etc., and it was probably obvious to Patrick Stewart that he would have to live up to, and if possible equal or exceed the memory of the first captain of the starship Enterprise. But as time went on and the series found its feet, becoming in some ways more popular than the original, and certainly lasting longer, Captain Jean-Luc Picard has for some fans become the captain of choice, eclipsing his predecesor. For others, of course, only one man is fit to be in command of Starfleet's flagship.

So, the question has boiled and raged across decades, as people on internet forums, fansites, in fan fiction and at conventions, even at workplaces debate the dilemma that has haunted man ever since we first heard those immortal words --- “Broadcast this on all channels and in all languages: we surrender.” Words we had never expected to hear Kirk say, but which were uttered on his very first day out by the new captain, and which instantly, in my eyes anyway and surely in that of other diehard Trekkers, reduced the man and set him forever in the shadow of the greater captain. But as I mentioned, we came to find that Picard was a different kind of captain. Where Kirk would break the Prime Directive three times before breakfast, Picard would protect it with his life and those of his crew. Kirk flouted regulations with a cheeky grin, while his successor was grim and stuffy in his slavish devotion to the rules. Kirk wooed women from one end of the cosmos to the other, Picard rarely if ever even had a fling.

And yet, it is Picard who has survived and taken the name of Star Trek to the minds and hearts of a younger generation, as his older counterpart endeavoured to solidify and maintain his legacy via the big screen, later followed by the man who was walking in his footsteps. Kirk is gone now (though rumours abound that he may guest in the third of the rebooted movies next year) and so is Picard, as both shows have ended and the movies starring both have changed hands, as a younger, more hip and happening (!) crew take the new Enterprise where no-one has gone before. So as the lights dim and the dust settles, we ask the burning question of our time: who is the better captain?

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Obviously, there's no way to answer that definitively, since it's as much a matter of taste and perspective as it is of facts and figures. But science has helped me work out which was the better of the two movies about Christ's life, which album of Black Sabbath's was better and recently, which veriosn of “A Christmas carol” deserved the title of Best Ever Scrooge. So, as I'm sure at least Picard would approve, and Urban shakes his head in despair, we're heading into Trollheart's Laboratory once again, to check out each captain in various categories, compare them and see who comes out on top.

And where else would be begin than with the early years of both at Starfleet Academy?

Academic Career

Kirk: Commended for his “creative” solution to the no-win Kobyashi Maru test, seems to have taken to the Academy like a proto-duck to quantum water.

Picard: Failed his first attempt, and had to be coached by Boothby the gardener, though he did go on to win the Academy Marathon, the first ever freshman to do so.

Nonetheless, in terms of their academic career I would have to award this to Kirk. 1-0 to him.


Command: How did each attain their first captaincy?

Kirk: Although he distinguished himself while still a lieutenant serving aboard the USS Farragut, it seems Kirk earned the command of the Enterprise in the usual way, without any real heroics or incident while

Picard: Took control of the USS Stargazer when its captain was killed, which gives him the edge. Rather than be given command, he took it (albeit temporarily and in the utmost necessity) and was thereafter given command of the Enterprise.

So we have to give this round to Picard. Score is now 1-1.

What about service time? Well, Let’s see.

Kirk: Served as captain of the Enterprise for three years (the mission is described as a five-year one, and may have been, but we can only count the timeline we witnessed), from 1966-69, after which the crew appeared in six movies from 1979 to 1991, so that makes 3+11=14 years.

Picard: Captained NCC-1701D through seven seasons from 1987-94, and then four films from 1994-2002. That’s a total of 7+7=14 years. Hey! Exactly the same!

Now, let’s take into account Kirk’s guesting in “Generations” (1994). Does that change things? Well not really as Kirk was retired --- indeed, presumed dead in his timeline --- at teh time, and brought forward to Picard’s time, so the timelines are getting a little messy here. It’s the same as if he does reprise his role in the new Star Trek reboot movie: I just think it confuses things too much. So this is a draw then, and the scores remain at 1-1.

Ships destroyed? Each captain has wrecked his own ship, so where does that leave us? Let’s look into this in a bit more detail. What? Yes, we must.

Kirk: Destroyed the original Enterprise in order to stop her from falling into Klingon hands and also to take out almost all of his enemies at the time. Plus the ship was in a bad way and would not have lasted any protracted battle. The Klingon ship was damaged too, but not as badly as Enterprise, so it seems to have been the correct decision.

Picard: Allowed a woman to drive in Generations and paid the price! ;) Seriously, the stardrive section was destroyed by a warp core breach initiated by the Duras Sisters and the saucer section was hit by the shockwave and crashed. So ended NCC-1701D.

Technically, though, it could be argued that he destroyed NCC-1701C too, when he ordered it back through the rift in “Yesterday’s Enterprise”. Yeah, but then what about the million other versions of the ship that appeared through the rent in space/time? No, I don’t think we can count that, plus Picard was not in charge of that ship, so it was really up to her own captain as to whether he wished to go back and set history straight.

So we have two ships, each destroyed, one by the captain’s hand as a final “fuck you” to the Klingons, and one destroyed by a combination of the Klingons and Deanna’s woeful driving. Think on balance, Kirk gets this one. NCC-1701 was destroyed intentionally, and with a clear purpose and a sense of sacrifice, while NCC-1701D was really just taken down in battle. Have to give this one to Kirk.

2-1 to Kirk then.

How about personality?
Kirk: Had an easygoing, friendly way of commanding; friends with his crew, approachable, would go drinkign with them as we saw in “Wolf in the fold”, where other such “nights out with the boys” were alluded to. Smiled a lot. Took discipline seriously but often did so with a heavy heart. Although everyone respected Kirk, he seems like the kind of guy you’d enjoy sharing a beer with, and wouldn’t be so stuck up that he would only mix with his officers.

Picard: Very aloof and generally unsmiling, rigid and uptight. Never joined in on the poker sessions on the ship, not until the finale, and indeed the final scene of that. Can’t recall him ever going for a drink (other than once, in “Allegiances”, but that time it wasn’t him but an alien taking his form). Did attend recitals and concerts on the ship but more as a matter of protocol and duty than actual enjoyment. Those who are close to him know and trust him, but I get the feeling that most of the rest of the crew hardly know him at all, and I doubt he makes it his business to even know their names. Then again, he does allow “Captain Picard Day” although he doesn’t get on with children, but that’s again more a matter of doing something because he has to than that he wants to.

If you’re looking for a captain who’s just one of the guys but still has the air of command about him and knows how to lead, and inspire loyalty, I think that has to be Kirk.

So that’s 3-1 to Kirk.

Stickler for the rules?

Kirk has been known to break the rules on plenty of occasions, when the situaton warranted it, and though Picard has taken part in covert operations (as has Kirk) he generally tends to stick fairly rigidly to the regulations, quoting article this and directive that, so it would certainly seem that Kirk is the one more ready to bend or even break the rules if needed.

But before we award this round to him, let’s consider if this is a good thing. If you’re prepared to break the rules once, you’re certainly going to do it twice, and where then do you draw the line? Do regulations after a while just become something you need to find a way around, at which point they cease being regulations at all? And as for Picard, if you refuse to break the rules on any grounds --- even personal --- does that make you a better or worse captain?

I’d have to say that I would prefer a captain who would be willing to think on his feet and assess the situation as it developed, without having to be bound by the strictures of the regulations all the time. So again I feel Kirk wins this round.

4-1 to Kirk.

Romance?

Kirk’s ladyfriends are spread (sorry) far and wide across the galaxy, some from his past, some picked up on missions, some used to get an advantage over an enemy. Kirk is not at all averse to using a woman to get what he wants, and has the charm and good looks to make that happen. He’s also very persuasive, and women of course are drawn to power. Picard? He’s had the odd romantic fling but never anything serious, unless you count his feelings for Beverly Crusher, but then he never acted on those. Or did he? In the final episode of TNG we see a future wherein he has married her. But is this an actual future or a possible one? I think we can take it that it is the actual one, so there’s some romance there. Kirk never gets married, not even in the movies, though he does have a son, as we see in “The Wrath of Khan”.

Kirk is the adventurer, the action man, the romantic and the smoothy when he needs to be, whereas Picard is more intellectual, preferring women who he can relate to on his own level, thoguh Vash is certainly a woman Kirk might have been expected to pursue. In many ways, she’s the perfect mate for Picard, but she doesn’t want to settle down and can’t stand the discipline of the ship so their relationship, were there to be one, is doomed from the start. When he is in fact matched with his perfect mate, in the episode of the same name, Picard’s honour and sense of duty and responsibility, to say nothing of his moral code, will not allow him to be with the woman he is clearly meant to be with, as she is promised to another.

And yet, both men put their career above thier love lives. Kirk left Carol Marcus because he wanted to be in command of the Enterprise, while Picard seems married to his ship. In terms of being a “galactic lothario” though, we think more in the direction of Kirk than Picard, so once again he gets the round.

5-1 to Kirk.

Picard had better up his game, and soon!

Adventurer

Probably due to the nature of the show and his being the star of it, I don’t think there’s one episode of TOS that doesn’t have Kirk in it, and whenever there’s a planet to be explored he’ll be leading the landing party. By contrast, Picard is often content or impressed upon to be left behind, Riker tellign him they can’t risk putting the captain in danger. Pah! Kirk laughs at danger, and drops ice cubes down the vest of fear! Nobody’s saying Picard is not brave, or willing to beam down or over when the occasion warrants it, but Kirk never stays back at the barn, no matter what. Kirk again.

6-1 to Kirk.

Turncoat?

Has either captain ever fought against, or been forced to fight against, his own people?

Picard is the obvious example here, when he is assimilated by the Borg and turned into Locutus of Borg, forced to direct the battle of Wolf 359, a massive defeat for Starfleet. He also takes up arms against Starfleet in Insurrection, the ninth Trek movie, for a cause he believes in.

Kirk takes the Enterprise, against Starfleet orders, in The search for Spock, in order to try to help his best friend find peace, and for his actions is busted down from admiral to captain.

But I think Picard aces this one; so for once the round is his.

6-2 to Kirk.

Back from the dead?

Kirk died, Picard did not, but being assimilated by the Borg is a kind of living death. The memories, the free will, the emotions all slowly die to be replaced by automatic mechanical and computer responses as the individual becomes part of the hive mind. Picard is to date the only human, bar Seven of Nine, to reverse that process and become “human again”. Kirk got lost in “The Tholain Web” and also in “The immunity syndrome”, but I don’t think that even comes close to coming back from the Borg, as it were. So again Picard gets this round.

6-3 to Kirk, as Picard begins to fight back.

Crew under his commmand

This is a simple, if unfair one. NCC-1701 carried about 400-odd crew, NCC-1701D over a thousand. More people equals more responsiblity so Picard get this round too.

6-4 to Kirk. They thought it was all over…


Decorations

No, not those things you just got through taking off your Christmas tree two months ago! I’m talking about medals here, citations, commendations. Which of our captains has won the most honours during his career?

Kirk: Starfleet Silver Palm, Starfleet Medal of Honour, Starfleet Citation for Conspicuous Gallantry, Starfleet Award for Valour, Prentares Ribbon of Commendation, Palm Leaf of Axanar Peace Mission, Karagite Order of Heroism, Grankite Order of Tactics. That makes seven.

Picard: I've looked, and I'm sure he has been decorated, but you know, I can't find a record of a single one. So we have to award this to the ribbons-and-discs heavy Kirk.

7-4 to Kirk

Loss of command?

Did either captain ever lose, have taken or wrested away, their captaincy?

Kirk was replaced by the M5 computer in “The Ultimate Computer”, but that was only temporary and did not reflect on his ability to command, so let’s forget that one. He was again relieved in “The deadly years”, when the ageing virus made him too old to be fit for command. Janis Lester took control of the ship while in his body, and the aliens from Andromeda in “By any other name” took the ship over totally. Again, the ship was taken over by the space hippies in “The way to Eden”, but perhaps the worst blow was the decommissioning of the Enterprise in The search for Spock.

Picard’s authority was challenged and rescinded in “Allegiances”, but again that was not him. He certainly lost command of the Enterprise when he was assimilated, and when he was on covert operations on Cardassia in “Chain of command”. But overall I think it was Kirk who was more often relieved of command in one way or the other, so Picard takes this round too.

7-5 to Kirk.

Yeah, but do you have your own office?

Well, Kirk and Picard spend most of their time on the bridge, naturally, but when he wants to relax Kirk goes to his quarters, which are seldom seen and really nothing more or less any different than other crewmembers. Few people visit him here, unlike Picard, who has the Ready Room just off the bridge, where he can conduct business that is not for general bridge consumption, chew officers out, give secret orders or whatever he wants to do in private. He also has his own quarters, so Picard wins this one by a country mile.

7-6 to Kirk

Wounded in battle?

Though Kirk took many a knock, and did eventually die helping Picard in Generations, he never to my knowledge received any life-threatening wound. He seemed to almost lead a charmed life. Picard, on the other hand, was mortally wounded in a fight with Nausicans the night before he shipped out on the Stargazer, and had to have an artifcial heart implanted, something which later led to his almost dying. Have to give the bragging rights to Picard here, which levels the score at

7-7

The next category could be crucial!

Willingness to put his people in harm’s way

One of the many traits required of a commander is that he should not shirk from the hard decisions. If someone is to go into battle and it’s pretty clear they will not come back, the captain should be able to order them to do so, or take a request from them to do so without comment. Kirk, to my knowledge, never lost any of his people (other than redhirts!) whereas Picard approved (through Worf) the assigning of a yougn Bajoran ensign to a covert operation from which she did not return. He’s the harder captain here, and he pulls into the lead as the score tilts in his favour

8-7 to Picard

Personal tragedy

It happens to everyone at some point in their life. You lose someone dear, a marriage breaks up, there’s a rift in the family. Kirk loses his brother Sam in “Operation: annihilate!” and later his son in The search for Spock. Picard loses his best friend, Jack Crusher, but it’s hardly on a par with losing your child, so you’d have to say Kirk aces this round, and brings the scores back level.

8-8

Diplomatic skill

Any captain has to have a mix of soldier and bureaucrat in his makeup, so who is the better politician? Kirk always goes mostly headfirst into any situation, all guns metaphorically (sometimes) blazing; gunboat diplomacy at its best. Picard is more the thinker, prepared to talk things through and try to find a solution through dialogue. He’s definitely the better diplomat, better suited for negotiations and mediation, whereas Kirk’s backside gets itchy if it’s stuck in a conference chair for too long. Both can play teh statesman when required, but Picard is definitely better at it. He wins this round easily.

9-8 to Picard

Battles lost

Just as important as battles won are those where, with the odds stacked against him, a canny captain can see the value in retreat or regrouping. Certainly the biggest and most public defeat Starfleet ever suffered was at Wolf 359, but Picard was not working for them at the time. In fact, technically he won that engagement for the Borg, though of course he would rather not claim that particular own goal. He did surrender on the Enterprise’s maiden voyage though, and when they originally encountered the Borg in “Hide and Q” he had to go running to Q to save them, so that’s certainly a battle lost.

Kirk lost the battle against Khan and the Reliant initially, but he gave his opponent a bloody nose before he had to retreat, and in the rematch although Enterprise was badly damaged he came out victorious. Not so when he went up against Kruge: he was defeated then, though turned it into a kind of pyrrhic victory by using his dying ship as a weapon against the victorious Klingons.

I think in this case Picard seems to have lost more battles so Kirk takes this round, and again it’s all square.

9-9

Character growth

Obviously, a great leader does not stay the same as the day he took command; people grow and develop, and it is in the evolution of the character that the persona of what could grow to be a truly great captain is demonstrated. Everyone from Janeway to Sisko have gone through experiences that have changed them, not always for the better but always adding to the sum of their knowledge and to their lives, and which inform the development of their character.

Picard of course went through one of the most life-changing --- literally --- experiences one can go through when he was assimilated and used as a general against his own race by the Borg, but then Kirk lost his son to the Klingons. Both of these are of course likely to either strengthen or destroy resolve, and as you might expect, in each case the captain used his tragedy to make him a better person. Kirk was demoted at the end of The voyage home, something that never happened to Picard, though the latter was tortured by his enemy while Kirk never was, not really. Though he was imprisoned by them, in a penal colony in The Undiscovered Country. Plenty of character building there. I think in fairness this has to be called a draw, which leaves us with the scores still tied at 9-9.

Hand-to--hand

Anyone can use a phaser, but sometimes the true measure of a man, and this goes doubly for a captain, is when he can defend himself without weapons. Kirk has certainly had his share of fisticuffs fights (The Gorn in “Arena” springs to mind) but I can’t recall Picard every going mano a mano with anyone. I could be wrong here, but I just don’t remember him punching out anyone or fighting without his weapon. If he didn’t, then Kirk has to take this round as the man’s man, and so we have a slight lead for him as the scores now stand at

10-9 to Kirk

Alien Nemesis

Every captain, like every superhero, needs an arch-enemy to keep him on his toes and at the top of his game. Kirk doesn’t have one (who said Harry Mudd??) but Picard does: his name is Q. Picard wins this easily, which gets us back to a draw situation.

10-10

Let’s stop here for a moment and look at how this battle has developed. For the first six or so categories Kirk was well on top, kicking the competition into the unrealistic sand and pulling way ahead. It seemed he would never be caught and victory was a foregone conclusion, open and shut case, Picard knocked out by the seventh round. But then suddenly the French captain started to drag himself up off the ground and began to fight back, till they were evenly matched. Then he even started to pull away a little before Kirk came back off the ropes, and since then the two have been pretty evenly matched. It's gonna take something special to separate these two titans of Trek!

How about Friends in High Places?

It always helps to have contacts back at Starfleet, for those moments when you need a word in the right ear. For the greater part of their career both are captains, so we’ll focus on that. While in command of the original Enterprise, Kirk knew of course other captains, but seemed to mostly kow-tow to admirals and other higher-ups. Picard seems to move in different circles; while he of course respects and obeys the chain of command, he is often more on first-name terms with some of the “brass” in Starfleet. This could be seen as a result of his having had a different education perhaps than Kirk, of moving in different, maybe higher social circles or simply through taking the time to make contacts (Picard is, for instance, a lot more likely to have gone to the opera or theatre and there met an admiral or two, the “meeting on the golf course” idea, than we would expect Kirk to). It could also be that Picard is seen as more the diplomat whereas Kirk, as we have already established, prefers to be the soldier, and diplomats, even part-time ones tend to mix in better company and get the opportunities to rub shoulders with their superiors.

So in terms of people in authority he can call on, or favours he can call in, Picard would appear to win this one.

11-10 to Picard

Education and upbringing

While there’s nothing that says you have to be a bookworm or a university graduate to captain a starship, the gulf between the two men in terms of how well they were educated seems to be quite large. Picard, as you would expect from his character, reads heavily, is into poetry, philosophy, history, art and music, whereas Kirk has never given any evidence of pursuing any of these subjects. He’s a rough-and-ready, kick-in-the-balls guy whereas Picard is a more talk to them and try to find common ground person. Left alone with a well-read ambassador, for instance, Picard could most likely hold forth on many weighty topics and hold his own, whereas Kirk would probably be glancing around looking for star babes he could seduce. Well, maybe not that bad, but you can’t really see him discussing the virtues of Plato vs Marx, or the works of Caravaggio as an example of man’s quest to become immortal by transcending his human limitations, now can you? Debatewise, bookswise and in general level of education, Picard has to win this one.

12-10 to Picard

Children

No, neither has any children, but how do they relate to the little bast -- ah, cherubs? Well Picard makes it clear from the very beginning that he does not do well with kids, evidenced fairly quickly in his reaction to Wesley Crusher, and his subsequent dealings with the little folk. He does however redeem himself slightly during the episode “Disaster”, where he manages to keep all the children trapped in the turbolift with him calm, and saves them all. Mind you, he goes about this by essentially applying adult attitudes to them, so is it that big an achievement? Still, eh tries so he have to give him that. Kirk, on the other hand, seems quite comfortable with children, as we see in "Miri", "And the children shall lead" and other episodes. This may be because his brother has children, so he is obviously Uncle Jim, or perhaps more pointedly because he does not have to deal with them on the ship. In fairness, neither does Picard: the odd time he might come across one playing in the corridors but it’s not like they’ve a nursery on the bridge or anything.

No, I think all in all this one has to go to Kirk, definitely the less scary and more approachable and human of the two father figures we know as captains of two very different Enterprises.

12-11 to Kirk

Physical shape?

Of course a captain needs to be in good, if not totally tip-top shape and whereas we’ve seen Kirk’s manly chest more than a few times as he attends a physical in sickbay and pumps those weird pedals on the wall (what the hell are they for anyway?), not to mention that we’ve never heard of him suffering from any longterm illness or ailment, we're back to that artificial heart that was installed to save Picard's life after he was stabbed by an alien. That in itself, while making something of a badass of the good captain, does detract from his physical fitness score and leads almost to his death when it malfunctions in “Tapestry”, and therefore has to count against him. So Kirk wins this round to, levelling the score again.

12-12

And I’ve run out of categories and criteria under which to compare the two. Although initially Kirk ran away with the contest, Picard rallied and they were soon neck and neck. Despite the odd time when one or the other got the upper hand, I find at the end I really can’t separate them, and so the final verdict: is Kirk or Picard the better captain? I don’t know. They’re evenly matched and I’d have to call this the first draw in any of my showdowns.
http://www.byrnerobotics.com/forum/u...Picard_599.jpg

There's an old adage, “adapt and survive” which kind of echoes the mantra of the Borg, “Resistance is futile.” Though the first movie had made its budget three times over in box office takings, I don't believe this qualifies it as a success, and certainly the panning and derision it received from critics and fans alike made it obvious that major changes needed to happen if there was to be a second movie. So the creator of Star Trek, Gene Roddenberry himself, was dispensed with, and mindful of the comparatively low returns of the previous movie, execs declared that things must be run on a much tighter budget, leaving composers like Miklós Rózsa and Jerry Goldsmith out of the price range of the second movie. This led to the first ever job for a young James Horner, who would of course go on to not only compose what remains the best and most identifiable of the Trek movie soundtracks, but would become a successful and sought-after composer himself.

This time, they would get it right. The camaraderie between the three main leads, which had been badly missing from TMP, the space battles, the references back to the original series, the ship itself, the uniforms, and, most importantly, the storyline. The second of the franchise still stands for me, and for many others, as the archetypal Star Trek movie and the benchmark by which all future versions would be judged.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...th_of_Khan.png
Title: Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
Released: 1982
Writer(s): Jack B. Sowards/ Nicholas Meyer (uncredited)
Director: Nicholas Meyer
Starring: All the usual Star Trek crew plus: Ricardo Montalban as Khan Noonien Singh, Bibi Besch as Dr. Carol Marcus , Merrit Butrick as David Marcus, Kirstie Alley as Lt. Saavik, Paul Winfield as Captain Terrell
Runtime: 132 minutes
Budget: USD 11.2 million
Boxoffice: USD 97 million
Critical acclaim: Extremely high
Fan acclaim: Extremely high
Legacy: Saved the franchise and set the tone for all future Star Trek movies. Also featured the death of one of the series' best-loved and most famous characters.
Enterprise: NCC-1701

We open on the unfamiliar sight of the Enterprise under a new captain, a Vulcan called Saavik. She is projecting a course to avoid the Neutral Zone when they pick up a distress call from a civilian ship called Kobyashi Maru, which has been damaged and which is now drifitng inside the Neutral Zone. Having no other choice, Saavik sets course for the border but as they reach the co-ordinates where the stricken freighter is meant to be they find nothing. Then Klingon attack cruisers show up and start firing. The situation looks hopeless, and it is. The Enterprise is soon overwhelmed, all crew killed but all is not as it seems. This is merely a simulation, and Kirk arrives to grade the new captain.

In point of fact, it is Spock who is in command of the Enterprise, Kirk having been relegated to flying a desk again as an admiral, and he is not happy about it. Today is his birthday, and he is feeling old. Chekov, meanwhile, is first officer on the USS Reliant, a science vessel which is searching for a lifeless planet to serve as the testbed for something he calls “the Genesis Experiment”. The ship is in orbit around Ceti Alpha VI, and they pick up a faint signal which looks like it could be some kind of lifeform, however basic. They check in with the scientific mission they are assigned to and are told by Dr. Carol Marcus that they have to be sure there are no lifeforms on the planet before they recommend it to Starfleet as a suitable subject. Chekov and his captain duly beam down. The planet is a desert world, lashed by high winds and sandstorms, and seems totally incapable of supporting life. But the signal persists.

Against all odds, they find a rough cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and going inside it appears to be someone’s home, although it is at the moment deserted. As they look it over, Chekov sees debris from a ship called the S.S. Botany Bay, and suddenly a terrible realisation dawns on him, and he urges his captain in something of a panic to leave, to get back to the ship before … but it is too late. Someone has come out of the desert and is standing outside, a large figure, with others around it. To Chekov’s growing horrified realisation he sees it is indeed Khan Noonien Singh, the genetically enhanced leader of the remnants of the survivors of the Eugenics Wars, which took place in the late twentieth century on Earth, and whom Captain Kirk rescued from suspended animation in the original episode “Space seed”. For anyone who hasn’t seen the episode, a quick recap: well, that’s kind of it really. Khan and his people, supermen from Earth’s twentieth century who would have made Hitler’s ubermensch look like fairies, exiled from Earth in suspended animation are rescued as they drift in space.

Having been revived, Khan and his people try to take over the Enterprise and kill Kirk, but are defeated and sent into another exile, on a planet which is hostile but capable of supporting life. When Khan tells Chekov and Captain Terrell that the one of the other planets in the system exploded six months later and knocked Ceti Alpha V --- where they are now, thinking it is Ceti Alpha VI --- out of orbit and changing its geosphere, he realises that this is a chance meeting. The Reliant was not looking for him. So why did they come here? To find out, he inserts little creatures into their heads via their ears. These alien insects make the recipient susceptible to suggestion, in effect make them do or say anything they are told to.

Oblivious to all of this, Kirk inspects the Enterprise and takes her out on a training mission, while on Space Station Regula One, Dr. Marcus gets an odd call from the Reliant, to say that the planet has checked out and they are en route. Marcus is surprised, as they were not due to return for months yet. Chekov tells her that they are to transfer all material pertaining to the Genesis Project to that ship, and further, that the order comes from Kirk. David, her son, worries that they are now defenceless if they refuse to give up the material. Chekov of course is under Khan’s control, he and his people having taken control of the starship. When Marcus tries to contact Kirk to confirm the order, Khan ensures that her transmission is blocked, and he can’t understand what she’s talking about. He has never heard of Genesis. Not a fan of Phil Collins then!

On Spock’s recommendation Kirk takes command of the Enterprise as they head to Regula One to investigate, and on the way they query the computer to find out what Genesis is. It turns out to be a sort of terraforming tool, which can turn a dead world into a thriving, living ecosphere in a fraction of the time it would normally take. As Marcus says in the presentation they watch, Genesis is literally life from lifelessness. McCoy wonders and worries about the possibility of the device being perverted into a weapon, and Kirk knows they must hurry to the space station. En route though they encounter the Reliant, unaware that it is under Khan’s control. As they have no reason to suspect anything they are taken by surprise. The Enterprise, without shields, is taken totally by surprise as battle is joined. Badly damaged, crippled even, it lists in space as Kirk is amazed to see the face of his old adversary on the screen, commanding the Reliant. Thinking quickly, he surrenders but tells Khan he needs time to transfer the information about Project Genesis that the madman has demanded, time he uses to have their computer decode the shield frequency of the opposing ship and order it to lower its shields, whereupon Enterprise fights back, badly damaging the enemy. Unable to pursue it as it breaks off and limps away, Kirk must wait until impulse power has been re-established and they can continue to Regula One.

Where they find most of the scientists butchered, and Chekov and Terrell hiding in a cabinet. Chekov tells him about Khan, but that the scientists died without revealing the whereabouts of Genesis. Kirk figures out that that Marcus and her people beamed to the surface of the planetoid the station orbits; or rather, into its interior as it is lifeless. They follow them down and Kirk is reunited with his old girlfriend and his son, only to find that Chekov and Terrell are still under the control of Khan, waiting for the moment when the location of the device is revealed. When it is, Khan beams it up, but when he orders them to kill Kirk they resist, Terrell turning the phaser on himself while the creature in Chekov is forced out of his brain by the conflicting emotions and killed. Kirk and his people now are trapped though in the interior of the planetoid as Khan flies off, victorious.

Kirk renews his acquaintance with Carol Marcus, and they talk about why David, her son, his son, does not want to have anything to do with him. Marcus shows him what they have done with the Genesis Experiment, the cave entirely transformed into a living planet. Kirk reveals how he beat the Kobyashi Maru situation, by cheating. He reprogrammed the simulation so he could win. Saavik is not impressed. Kirk contacts the Enterprise and says “It’s been two hours. Are you ready?” Spock confirms they are --- hours mean days: see the quotes section for further --- and they are all beamed aboard the ship and head for their confrontation with Khan. Still outgunned and at less than full power, Kirk leads him into the nearby Mutara Nebula, where the interference from gas and magnetic disruption will even the odds a little. Khan takes the bait, following the Enterprise in. The battle is a little unorthodox, as neither ship has shields nor phaser lock, but Kirk eventually scores hits on the Reliant, crippling the enemy ship.

Faced with defeat, unable to manouevre and with his people dying around him, Khan clings to revenge to the last. Determining to take Kirk with him, he uses his final breath to commit the Genesis Device to operation, ensuring that all life in this sector will be destroyed. The Enterprise, still under impulse power, has no chance of escape. As they limp away, knowing they will never make it before the explosion, Spock leaves his post and goes to Engineering. Incapacitating Mr. Scott, he walks into the antimatter chamber and manually changes the dilithium crystals, regaining warp speed and the Enterprise is saved, just as the Reliant explodes.

Spock, however, has paid the ultimate price for the safety of his ship and crew, and in an emotional death scene tells Kirk not to grieve; he has done the logical thing, putting the needs of the many nefore the needs of the few. Kirk is heartbroken, and as they launch his coffin into space, it is caught in the gravity of the newly-forming planet, and lands on its surface. David Marcus comes to see that his father is not the devil-may-care adventurer that he has imagined him as, and reconciles with him.

QUOTES

McCoy: “Admiral, wouldn’t it be easier just to put an experienced crew on board the Enterprise?
Kirk: “Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young, doctor.”

Kirk: “What do you think, Bones?”
McCoy: “Get your command back, Jim. Get it back before you turn into part of this collection: before you really do grow old.”

Saavik: “He’s (Kirk) so … human.”
Spock: “Nobody’s perfect, Saavik.”

Spock: “Lieutenant, have you ever piloted a ship out of spcedock before?”
Saavik: “Never, sir.”
Spock: “Take her out, Mister Saavik.”

Saavik: “May I speak, Sir?”
Kirk: “Self expression doesn’t seem to be one of your problems! You’re bothered by your performance on the Kobyashi Maru test.”
Saavik: “I failed to resolve the problem.”
Kirk: “There is no resolution: it’s a test of character.”
Saavik: “May I ask how you dealt with the test?”
Kirk: “You may ask. That’s a little joke.”
Saavik: “Humour: it is a difficult concept.”
Kirk: “We learn by doing.”

Spock: “The ship is yours.”
Kirk: “No that won’t be necessary. Just get me to Regula One.”
Spock: “As a teacher on a training mission I am content to lead.Iif we are to go into battle, it is clear that you should be in command.”
Kirk: “It may be nothing. Garbled transmission. You take the ship.”
Spock: “Jim, you proceed from a false premise. I am a Vulcan; I have no ego to bruise.”
Kirk: “You’re about to remind me that logic alone dictates your actions?”
Spock: “I would not remind you of that which you know so well. If I may make so bold, it was a mistake for you to accept promotion. Commanding a starship is your first, best destiny. Anything else is a waste of material.”
Kirk: “I wouldn’t presume to debate you.”
Spock: “That would be wise. In any case, were I to invoke logic, logic clearly dictates that the needs of the many outweighs the needs of the few.”
Kirk: “Or the one. “
Spock: “You are my superior officer. You are also my friend. I have been, and always shall be, yours.”
(An incredibly important speech. It points the way towards Spock’s later sacrifice and death, but also lays down a precept that will be followed, and quoted, in other movies of this franchise. But more than that, in a few short words at the end, the bond between Kirk and Spock, this human and Vulcan who shared three seasons of adventures in the late sixties, is forever reaffirmed, cemented and enshrined. In one sentence, the second movie does what the first completely failed to do: makes us see the characters, once again, as real people whom we care about, and reminds us that they care about each other too.)

Helmsman (Khan’s son?): “We’re all wth you sir, but consider this. We are free. We have a ship, and a means to go where we will. We have escaped permanent exile on Ceti Alpha V. You have proved your superior intellect and defeated the plans of Admiral Kirk. You do not need to defeat him again.”
Khan: “He tasks me! He tasks me, and I shall have him! I’ll chase him around the moons of Nemdia and round the Antares Maelstrom and round Perdition’s flames before I give him up!”
(So that’s a no, then?)

McCoy: “Dear God! To think we’re intelligent enough to --- what would happen if this device were used where there was already life?”
Spock: “It would destroy it, Doctor, in favour of the new matrix.”
McCoy: “Its new matrix? Do you have any idea what you’re saying?”
Spock: “I was not attempting to evaluate its moral implications, Doctor. As a matter of cosmic history, it has always been easier to destroy than create.”
McCoy: “Not any more! Now we can do both! According to myth, the Earth was created in six days. Now watch out! Here comes Genesis! We’ll do it for you in six minutes!”
Spock: “Really, Doctor, you must learn to govern your passions. They will be your undoing. Logic suggests…”
McCoy: “Logic! My God, the man’s talking about logic! We’re talking about universal Armageddon!”
(No, we're not! Have a lie down, Doctor!)

Khan: “Ah, Kirk, my old friend. Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us that revenge is a dish best served cold? It is very cold in space!”

Kirk: “What is the meaning of this attack?”
Khan: “Surely I have made my meaning plain, Admiral? I have deprived your ship of power and when I swing about I intend to deprive you of your life.”

Scotty (with dead trainee in his arms): “He stayed at his post when the trainees ran!”
(Which teaches us a valuable lesson: it may be brave to stand and fight but you can continue living if you take to your heels!)

Spock: “Jim, be careful.”
McCoy: “We will!”

Kirk: “Captain Spock, damage report.”
Spock: “If we go by the book, Admiral, like Lieutenant Saavik, hours would seem like days.”
Kirk: “I read you Captain. Let’s have it.”
Spock: “The situation is grave, Admiral. We won’t have main power for six days. Auxilary power has temporarily failed. Restoration may be possible in two days. By the book, Admiral.”
Kirk: “Meaning you can’t even beam us back?”
Spock: “Not at present, Admiral.”
Kirk: “Captain Spock, if you don’t hear from us in one hour, your orders are to restore what power you can, take the Enterprise to the nearest starbase. Notify Starfleet once you are out of jamming range.”
(Very clever. Spock is using coded phrases to explain to Kirk that when he says days he means hours. Surprisingly, given the incongruity of the phrase “hours would seem like days” from a Vulcan, who would not be expected to use such flowery metaphors, Khan, despite his vaunted intellect, does not cotton on as he listens to the transmission.)

Khan: “I’ve done far worse than kill you. I’ve hurt you. And I wish to go on hurting you. I shall leave you as you left me, as you left her: on a lifeless moon, buried alive!”
Kirk: “Khhhaaannnnn!”
(Classic quote!)

Kirk: “There’s a man out there who I haven’t seen for fifteen years who wants to kill me. You show me a son who’d be happy to help him. My life that could have been. How do I feel? I feel old.”
Carol Marcus: “Let me show you something that will make you feel young again, as when the world was new.”

Kirk: “We tried it once your way, Khan: are you game for a rematch? Khan: I’m laughing at the superior intellect!”

Khan: “To the last will I grapple with thee. No, Kirk, you can’t get away. From Hell’s heart I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee!”
(Khan is obviously a fan of Moby Dick!)

Spock: “Ship … out of danger?”
Kirk: “Yes.”
Spock: “Don’t grieve, Admiral. It is logical. The needs of the many outweigh…”
Kirk: “The needs of the few.”
Spock: “Or the one. I never took the Kobyashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?”
Kirk: “Spock…”
Spock: “I have been, and always shall be your friend. Live long and prosper.”

Spock’s eulogy, delivered by Kirk

“We are assembled here to pay final respects to our honoured dead. And yet, it should be noted that in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life. The sunrise of a new world, a world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect. He did not deem this sacrifice a vain or empty one, and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend all I can say is of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most … human.”
(I love the way Kirk’s voice breaks near the end; although he probably knew that Nimoy would be back, in a very real way Shatner was saying goodbye to his best friend, with whom he had shared the small screen for three years and the big for three. It must have been hard. And he reacts as you would expect the captain to react in the face of such horrible personal loss. It’s possibly the first time we’ve seen Kirk as less than indestructible, and uttery human, lost and alone in his private grief.

When I wrote this originally, we had not yet had the dire news of Leonard Nimoy's death, and now, as I publish it, this scene takes on an added poignancy.)


Kirk: “All is well, and yet, I can’t help thinking about the friend I leave behind. There are always possibilities, Spock said, and if Genesis is indeed life from death, I must return to this place again.”
(And there’s the out, but it’s handled very well and you can’t really hold it against the writers.)

Houston, we have a problem!

A big one. When Chekov and Terrell meet Khan on Ceti Alpha V he recognises the ex-officer of the Enterprise, but the only time Khan came into contact with that ship was in the episode “Space seed”, and at that point Chekov was not a part of the crew, nor the cast. He could not recognise him, as he would never have met him before. This will be explored in much more depth as I use it as the central theme for another of the “Plot holes you could drive a Mack truck through” later in the year.

When Kirk asks Khan if he will keep his word, if they surrender the information on Genesis, Khan says he has given no word to keep. But he most assuredly has. Kirk has offered to have himself beamed over if Khan will spare his crew and Khan has agreed to do this, provided Kirk also sends over the information on Project Genesis. A rare (for this movie) piece of bad or lazy writing, forgetfulness or just another aspect of Khan’s slowly unhinging mind?

Another problem I have is that when Terrell and Chekov are turning on Kirk down on Regula (or I should say, in Regula!) Khan orders them to kill Kirk. Now, for a man so arrogant and single-minded, with an ego almost the match of Kirk’s, surely Khan would have wanted to kill him himself, not have an underling do it? What? Give up his revenge, after all this time? Lose the chance to squeeze the life out of his hated enemy with his own bare hands? Why not just have Terrell beam Kirk to the Reliant, where he could deal with him? Khan is not the sort of man who has others do his dirty work. Well, he is, but when it comes to Kirk there’s a very personal score to be settled, and you’d think he’d want to settle it, well, personally.

Kirk’s hubris

Once again, Kirk thinks he knows it all. As Picard would years later make the same almost-fatal mistake when approaching the first ever Borg cube and keeping his shield down, Kirk ignores Saavik’s recommendation that he should follow protocol, which requires that on approaching a ship with which communication has not been established, shields should be raised. This overconfidence and brash bravado almost costs him his ship. Had he followed her suggestion the ship would not have been as badly damaged as it is now, and the fight would have been less one-sided.

Parallels

The most obvious of course is Moby Dick: Khan sees himself as Ahab, forever trying to bring down his enemy the great whale, but of course this is not accurate. Khan has not seen Kirk for fifteen years, has not been in a position to check on him, so that when he hears he has been made an admiral he is incensed. How dare Kirk, as he sees it, live the high life while he is left to scratch out a meagre living on this deserted desolate planet? But when he gets the chance to take him on, Khan is happy to expire while clutching his enemy to his bosom, so to speak. It doesn’t quite work out that way, of course.

The second parallel is the original episode, “Space seed”, in which a revived Khan tries to take over the Enterprise and kill Kirk, but is defeated and exiled. Khan has never forgotten or forgiven Kirk for this ignomnity. Not only the exile, not the hard existence he and his people have been forced to eke out for a decade and a half, but for the shame of losing to the man he sees as being far inferior to him. Khan has been brought up with the idea that he is the better man -- and he is, or was, in his century. But his ideas are a little outmoded now, and whereas he could only have ever dreamed of conquering Earth back in his time, now there’s the whole galaxy to bring under his heel.

Of course, he’s never going to manage it. The odds are stacked firmly against him. Even should he destroy Enterprise and make it away with the Genesis Device, Starfleet will hunt him and he can’t hide forever. Perhaps he would make alliances with the likes of the Klingons or the Romulans, the traditional enemies of the Federation, but even those races must see in the end they are dealing with a madman, and that is never a good bargain. His intellect and his lust for power could have taken him far in this new century, but despite his intelligence and his ability to learn so quickly, he is a man out of time, and this would eventually be his undoing. But he certainly goes out with a bang.

Music

Unlike the previous movie, which tended to use the same basic theme throughout --- which became, as I mentioned, the theme for the series Star Trek: The Next Generation some years later --- James Horner’s first major score gives a feeling of cohesion to the music, as it changes as the scenes change and the situations develop. There’s an aura of seafaring adventure to the rolling, lilting theme he composed that would be retained, in one form or another, for the next number of movies. He also includes at the very start, and end, the original Star Trek theme, which ties everything together nicely. The themes for Spock and Khan are well observed, and the usage of “Amazing Grace” flowing into the Trek theme at the end is inspired. All over, were I to rate the themes this would get a solid 9 compared to TMP’s maybe 3. A huge improvement.

Themes and motifs

There are many, to be sure, among them the fear of advancing age, the realisation that you’re no longer young and cannot behave as you did back then. Kirk encapsulates this in the snapped comment “Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young!” There is also a sense of loss --- Khan has lost his wife, Kirk has lost the son he could have been around to see grow up, perhaps the chance at a proper relationship with Carol Marcos. For much of the movie, Chekov and Terrell lose their free will, slaves to the creatures Khan has put in their heads.

Great loss, too, in the death of one of Kirk’s oldest friends, and even though it was well foreshadowed before the movie was even completed, and we know that there is an out at the end, with the third movie being titled The Search for Spock, it’s still a wrench to see a character we have followed through our early years on the television and come to identify as one of the great trademarks of this series, die at the end. The fact that he gives his life to save the ship both vindicates and confounds his logic, and we see that despite even himself, Spock is perhaps, as Kirk notes at the eulogy, more human than anyone he has ever met. Star Trek became noted, even jeered, for killing off characters only to bring them back again in a variety of increasingly implausible ways, but here was the first time a major character had died, and it hit us all hard.

Distrust is also there. David Marcus distrusts Starfleet. He is a scientist, as is his mother, and they have managed to create what they see as a great force for good and have been constrained to turn to the military for funding, and he believes their discovery can and will be subverted into a weapon. When he hears the purported order from Kirk to transfer all materials relating to the project to the approaching USS Reliant, he believes his mistrust was well placed.

But for me the main and overarching theme is one of revenge, not surprisingly. Khan believes that after fifteen years and against all odds, fate has delivered into his hands the means and opportunity to strike back at his old foe. Revenge for the death of his wife, and revenge for the defeat he was dealt by Kirk all those years ago. Kirk, too, is seeking revenge. This is, after all, the man who tried to kill him after the Enterprise rescued he and his people from floating in deep space in suspended animation. For that act of kindness --- had Kirk known what he later did, perhaps he would have left the Botany Bay drifting, or even destroyed it --- Khan tried to take over his ship. There is certainly a score to be settled.

Memorable scenes and effects

Of course, the most memorable scene will always be Spock’s death, which is in three acts really. The first begins when he hears Kirk say they need warp power or they’re all dead, and leaves his post. This continues into his sealing himself into the warp core chamber and replacing the crystals, thus giving his life for the ship and crew. Act II then is his reunion with Kirk as he lies dying, the ship saved but Spock beyond any help. It’s touching, emotional but not overblown, and Shatner acts one of the scenes of his life. Nimoy is gracious and reserved as ever, even making sure to stand when his captain arrives, and going so far as to pull at the hem of his tunic to straighten it, something that would become a habit of Jean-Luc Picard later.

The exchange between them, bringing full circle the “needs of the many” argument, is perfectly observed, and the attempts to touch each other’s palms through the glass almost heartbreaking. Important, too, is the scene where, just before going into the chamber and having used the Vulcan nerve pinch on McCoy, Spock places his palm to the doctor’s face and says “Remember”. That will come into play in the third movie. Act III of course is the burial-in-space scene, where Kirk does his best to hold his emotions in check as captain of the ship, and no doubt as a parting gesture of respect to his Vulcan friend, as he delivers the beautifully-written eulogy.

But other than the death of Spock, which comes after all right at the end, there are other memorable scenes here. The “WTF??!” moment, as it were, when Chekov sees the words “Botany Bay” in the hut, and realises who lives here. The battle in the Mutara Nebula, as each ship dances around the other, deprived of all sensors and shields, almost like modern troopers reduced to using bayonets and their own wits instead of HUD and heat-seeking missiles. The sequence showing how the Genesis Device works. Indeed, the opening scene, with the simulation, is very effective. Then there’s the malfunctioning transporter, a nice cameo for Grace Lee Whitney as Commander Janice Rand, the scene where Kirk is reunited with the son he left behind, and the horror-filmesque search through the silent Regula One space station before the crew find what remains of the scientists who have been butchered by Khan’s people.

Does this film deserve its reputation?

Of course it does. It’s easily seen as the best in the movie franchise --- at least, the original ten movies --- and deserves that accolade entirely. It’s a quantum leap from the first movie, with far better characterisation, a better plotline, space battles, an implacable foe, turning points for Kirk and of course the harrowing death of Spock. As a movie, this is pretty good. As a Star Trek movie, it stands head and shoulders above all the others. The music is far better, more fitting, the cast play their parts perfectly, Montalban is stunning as the maniacal Khan, and it acknowledges the series without making it absolutely necessary that you have seen that episode in order to be able to enjoy and understand the movie.

This was, literally, the movie that saved the franchise. After the disaster Star Trek: The Motion Picture became, there was no room for error here. A movie seldom gets a second chance, but this being Star Trek the producers were allowed to try again, with a smaller budget (which yielded far greater box office returns in the end) and a new premise, and they, as the Americans say, knocked it out of the park. Had this second movie failed, it’s unlikely there would have been a third, and from this on in, all future Star Trek movies would be measured against The wrath of Khan, and take their cue from it, keeping the easy humour, the sly wink to the audience in movies like The voyage home and The final frontier, and of course, The search for Spock. Sometimes, it went a little too far into the tongue-in-cheek idea, but thankfully there was never another rigid, stuffy, boring and slow movie as the first one. Lessons had been learned, and would be implemented as the franchise set course at full warp speed into another eight movies before being rebooted.

I could write pages more, but in the end the best I can do is award this movie the highest score I can:
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Name: Harry Kim
Race: Human
Born: Earth
Assignment: Ensign aboard USS Voyager (his first posting)
Marital status: Single
Family: John and Mary (seriously?) (Parents)
Important episodes: Caretaker, Non sequitur, Eye of the needle, Prime factors, Heroes and demons, Emanations, Deadlock, The Chute, Alter ego, Favourite son, Demon, The Disease, Fair Haven, Timeless, Nightingale, Prophecy, Endgame.

The eternal n00b, the constant rookie, Harry Kim began his active Starfleet career serving aboard Voyager but he had expected the tour of duty to be short, and is flabberghasted when he realises that he, along with the rest of the crew, are now stuck seventy thousand light years from home and that, in all probability, he will never get back to his old life again. He provides one half of a “buddy” relationship with the more outgoing and experienced Tom Paris, who essentially takes him under his wing and tries to teach him about life, though Paris himself is less interested really in his duties aboard ship than in what women he can score, an attitude which provides a perfect foil for Kim, the ensign always ready to please, always wanting to prove himself, always trying to do the right thing.

Throughout the series Kim remains as an ensign, while others, including Paris, are promoted. He does not however voice any protest about this, but one must assume he wonders why the captain does not see fit to reward his service, as he proves himself a capable officer time and again. He seems to be the one who’s always getting captured or abducted by aliens --- it happens several times in the series, in fact, it happened in the pilot episode --- and seldom has any love interest in his life. Like Riker, he plays an instrument, clarinet, though we don’t see him play it too often thank god. Paris’s loose cannon attitude often annoys him, and he tries to reverse the roles, attempting to teach Tom responsibility and duty.

Kim is killed in season two’s “Deadlock”, but a typical Voyager write-around has him replaced by an alternate version who then joins the crew and is accepted as “their” Kim. Should have left him dead. I must admit, I cheered when he was sucked out to space, but my cheers did not last long unfortunately. When Seven of Nine joins the crew he is initially suspicious of her --- not surprisingly: who would trust a Borg? --- but comes to be one of her friends and helps her with her attempts to understand humanity and regain her own, sometimes vicariously. He will however always be hated and despised by me, for creating, with Paris the “quaint” Irish village used in both the episode that bears its name, "Fair Haven” (expect to see that in the “When it rains” section!) and its sequel “Spirit folk”.

It is he though who discovers a micro-wormhole that could allow the Voyager crew to get back to their own quadrant, and creates the transwarp drive which allows them to attempt the journey in “Timeless”, resulting in the death of all but he and Chakotay, who make it home. Years later he manages to reset the timeline and those events never come to pass. In an alternative future (yeah, another one: what of it?) he is finally promoted to captain and has his own ship, however that timeline is also erased and so really he remains an ensign right to the end of the series.

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Title: The Enterprise Incident
Series: TOS
Season: Three
Writer(s): DC Fontana
Main character(s): Spock, Kirk
Plot: In an attempt to steal the new cloaking device and adapt it for Federation use, Kirk and Spock allow themselves to be captured by a Romulan commander. Spock, to whom she is attracted, appears to betray his captain and is allowed stay onboard as her consort, while Kirk is believed to be killed by his first officer.

This was one of those episodes where they hit all the right notes: although Shatner tries to steal the show it's very much a Spock episode, one of few, and indeed one of the only ones where we get any insight into his carefully-concealed emotions. The idea of Spock having a love affair --- in fact, of faking one to gain the advantage Kirk needs and give him time to steal the device --- is so alien to the series that it really hits home. We also get to see Spock “kill” Kirk, learn that the Vulcan does in fact have a first name, and experience a sexy Romulan commander who is ultimately betrayed by Spock. This is also one of the first times that the goody-goody Federation openly (well, covertly, but you know what I mean: it's authorised) engage in espionage against a race with whom they are not currently at war, and the episode has everything: sex, betrayal, death, cloak and dagger and Kirk in pointy ears!

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Title: In the Pale Moonlight
Series: DS9
Season: Six
Writer(s): Peter Allan Fields and Michael Taylor
Main character(s): Sisko, Garak
Plot: The Federation is losing the war against the Dominion and reluctantly turns to their old enemies the Romulans to help them by joining the war. Fabricating evidence that the Changelings are planning to conquer Romulus, Garak gives Sisko a data rod which is in turn handed to a prominent Romulan senator. He however recognises it as fake, but on the way back to Romulus his ship is destroyed, thanks to a bomb put there by Garak. Soon afterwards, the Romulans join the war.

If DS9 ever reached a peak in mature writing, this was it. Sisko, ever the man to play by the rules and quote Starfleet regulations, is forced by circumstances into betraying everything he holds dear, into conspiring with the Cardassian Garak, whom he has never trusted but knows can get the job done. When it all goes pear-shaped and Sisko fears that their duplicity will in fact force the Romulans into an alliance with the Dominion, he discovers that the “ace in the hole” Garak has been holding is to ensure the senator's ship explodes. Once the data rod is recovered from the wreckage, its authenticity will not be questioned in the light of the “accident”, clearly an assassination, and the objective will have been achieved. A clearer case of one man facing Spock's remorseless logic of the “needs of the many” could not be made. A stupendous, brave, dark and utterly entrancing episode, one of the very finest in all the franchise.

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Title: Phage
Series: VOY
Season: One
Writer(s): Timothy de Haas, Brannon Braga, Skye Dent
Main character(s): Neelix
Plot: When Neelix's lungs are somehow stolen (hooray!) Voyager pursues the thieves, only to uncover a massive organ harvesting operation and a race of people suffering from a generational plague which consumes their flesh.

Not in fairness a brilliant episode, although the sheer joy of seeing Neelix lying close to death, unable to breathe and then later being told by the Doctor that he will have to remain motionless for the rest of his life (YES!) is worthy of its inclusion by itself. But what is striking about this episode is the double standard portrayed within the writing. Initially we see a race of aliens who are callously harvesting organs from any lifeform who has what they need, then later we learn they are doing this because of a disease which afflicts them and necessitates constant replacement of their organs. Janeway makes an interesting decision at the end, allowing the alien who has taken Neelix's lungs to retain them, unwilling to kill him for one of her crewmembers. Later on, when she toughened up, she would not be expected to do this. But then again, it was only Neelix, after all!

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Title: Sins of the Father
Series: TNG
Season: Three
Writer(s): Ronald D. Moore, Drew Deighan, W. Reed Moran
Main character(s): Worf, Picard
Plot: Worf's father has been named by the Empire as a traitor, and the son of Mogh must travel to the homeworld to answer this charge. What he uncovers turns out to be a nest of vipers, a web of betrayal and a code of silence that will lead to death being pronounced upon his own head.

A great Worf episode, which tells us much more about Klingon culture and introduces us to a Klingon who will become, for a time, Worf's nemesis, as later will his sisters. It is in fact the father of Duras who is proven finally to be the traitor but in a totally shock ending Worf must shoulder the blame and be shunned by all Klingons. The unexpected conclusion comes as something of a hammerblow: just as you think, this is Trek: all charges dropped and home in time for Earl Grey --- hot! --- well no. The twist is painful and hard to take, and will have severe repercussions for Worf and his family for another season, and as mentioned the Duras sisters will become a thorn in the Federation's side with the death of their brother. There's also some action-man stuff for Picard, and we learn that Worf has a brother. Great stuff and the final scene, as Picard and Worf stride from the chamber of the High Council, with every Klingon back --- even his own brother's --- turned away from him, is both chilling and stunning.

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Title: Mirror, Mirror
Series: TOS
Season: Two
Writer(s): Jerome Bixby
Main character(s): Spock, Kirk
Plot: A transporter accident opens a rift in space/time and Kirk and his intrepid landing party find themselves on the ISS Enterprise, in a harsh, brutal alternate universe where force is the watchword and there is no such thing as compromise or compassion. Here, Kirk meets this universe's counterpart of Spock and tries to show him how he can change this world for the better.

I just love this episode! What a clever idea. Building on the already-explored theme of an “evil Kirk” in the laughable “The enemy within”, this time we see a whole universe of evil Trek counterparts, with Sulu a sadist who enjoys enforcing discipline on the ship and vies for Kirk's job, McCoy finding a sickbay he describes as more like a torture chamber, and Spock with a beard! The idea that we're all one step away from chaos and brutality is well portrayed here, as everyone in the “Mirror universe” does what they have to to survive, while back on the “real” Enterprise “bad” Kirk and his crew are dumbfounded by the changes they see: “Where's my personal guard?” roars “bad” Kirk. The Mirror universe, and the events that unfold in this episode, would be revisited in later episodes of Deep Space 9.

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Name: Cardassia Prime
Alignment: non-Federation, hostile
Home to: Cardassian race
Capital City: Cardassia City
Orbital star: Cardassia, Class K

Once a lush, verdant and arable planet, Cardassia suffered a natural catastrophe which devastated its surface and turned forests and hills into desert. The planet has little in the way of minerals and so a great famine descended, worsened by the military seizing power and ploughing all the planet’s finances into their war with the Federation. Cardassians are notoriously devious and mistrustful, and an air of paranoia cloaks everything they do. This can be seen (or could be, prior to the almost destruction of the planet and the elimination of its populace at the end of the Dominion War) in the huge viewscreens that frown down from many buildings, as the feared Obsidian Order makes no secret about its ubiquitous surveillance of its people. Orwellian is the word that springs to mind, and the people live in fear and dread of the knock on the door in the dead of night.

Despite the unremitting grey sameness of much of the architecture and the barren expanse that proliferates outside the walls of the cities, there is much beauty to be found on Cardassia, such as the Mekor Wilderness, where the rocks form into sublime shapes and there are subterranean caverns. The State Intelligence uses this area as a place to train its recruits, and maintains an institute there. Unwary travellers though may fall prey to the Honge, a huge flying pterodactyl-like creature, or even the Mekarian sawtooth, a carnivorous plant native to the region. There is also one rainforest remaining on the planet, and its location in Morfan Province makes it a popular destination for Cardassian holidaymakers.

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Commander Jadzia Dax, played by Terry Farrell

Dax is a trill, a symbiotic life form that can live a very long time --- hundreds, maybe thousands of years --- and is transplanted from host body to host body as each wears out or dies. Jadzia is the latest host, and in keeping with trill tradition she takes the alien’s surname, becoming Jadzia Dax, most often referred to as Dax. She serves aboard the space station Deep Space 9 under Commander (later Captain) Ben Sisko, whom she knows from her days of being implanted in the host body of the previous donor, a warrior named Curzon. Because of his long relationship with Curzon, and out of respect to the trill, Sisko often refers to Jadzia as “old man”, which is a little confusing. Initially, Jadzia is pestered by Doctor Julian Bashir, who falls in love with her, but eventually she falls for Worf, the Klingon security chief of DS9, and marries him.

Again, somewhat like Uhura and unlike most of the TNG females, Dax is treated almost like a man (given that she has the trill inside her and that all previous hosts were male, this is not that surprising) and acts quite the tomboy. She rarely seems to indulge in feminine trappings or be interested in feminine things, other than her romantic interests. She plays games of skill and chance at Quark’s with the abandon and acceptance of any other man, and she can fight and protect herself as well as any of them. She frequently leads missions, holding the rank originally of Lieutenant and then later Lieutenant Commander, and having her special relationship with Sisko gives her access to the station’s commander she might otherwise not have.

Dax is killed in the finale of the sixth season by Gul Dukat, but though Jadzia dies the symbiont is saved and later transplanted into another host body, who carries it through the final season to the conclusion of the show. After her heroics and sacrifice, Worf believes his late wife has earned her place in Sto’vo’kor, the Klingon heaven, somewhat equivalent to Valhalla, even though she herself is not of Klingon blood.

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While it's certainly up there in the top three of the Trek movies, and I do like the theme, I just kind of find this one a little less Trekky (is that a word? It is now!) than other movies that came before it. And after it. I mean, I dig what the guy is trying to do, with the fanfare at the start then diverting off into a totally different sort of theme, but it just does not say Star Trek to me. Mind you, some of the others don't either, but this just sounds like it could be the theme for Titanic or something. Also, it's nowhere near as ominous and dark as the soundtrack to a movie like this should be. This was one of the first --- the first, really --- dark and bleak Star Trek movies, and though it had its funny and lighter moments, generally it dealt with one man's obsession and his attempts to come to terms with that before it tore him apart. This music .... does not communicate that inner struggle to me.

Which is why it's only at number
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This needed a big, booming, droning, snarling anthem, something you could get your teeth into; something that, frankly, scared the shit out of you. Maybe not quite a horror theme as such, but something dark, heavy, oppressive. This is way too light and does not convey anything about how the movie actually pans out. Jerry Goldsmith, a veteran of Trek themes, apparently used a “pastoral, friendly theme to represent the hope of humanity's first contact”. Bollocks. I wanted big, crunching, scary, growling Borg music. Up yours Jerry! Fail.

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#2: Revenge is a dish best served ... hot?

“Reunion”, Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season four, episode seven.
This is K'Eylar.
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She is Worf's mate, and has brought onboard the Enterprise the son he did not know he had, though during the course of the episode she turns down his offer of marriage, much to his consternation and dismay. Meanwhile, K'mpec, High Chancellor of the Empire, is dying and two council members are vying for his seat. As K'mpec, impressed with his performance as Worf's second in “Sins of the father”, has chosen Picard as the arbiter of succession, the Klingons rendezvous with the Enterprise, that the choice may be made.
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That choice is between Gowron and Duras. Worf knows Duras of course, as it is his father who sold out his own people at Khitomer to the Romulans, and he who framed Worf for the traitorous act, condemning him to Discommendation, meaning that Worf is looked on as a pariah in Klingon society. Nobody will even speak to him or look at him. Worf has much to hate Duras for.
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During the rite of arbitration a bomb goes off, and is determined to be of Romulan origin. It is also found to have been on one of Duras's men. Researching into this, and by extension the circumstances under which Worf was tried as a traitor, K'Eylar uncovers the truth but then runs afoul of Duras.
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Not about to allow his shame to be made public, much less his chances of becoming chancellor ruined, Duras kills K'Eylar.
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When Worf finds her dying, and she tells him who killed her, he confronts his enemy on board his ship, demanding the Klingon "Rite of Vengeance".
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Duras snarls that a traitor such as Worf has no right of vengeance, but Worf then says four words that change everything in Klingon law: “K'Eylar was my mate.” You can immediately see the words “Oh fuck!” in the expression that suddenly flits across the traitor's face.
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He knows he is for it now. With no other choice, he engages Worf in combat but like most cowards he is a bad fighter, and at the end, tries to use what G'Kar called “enlightened self-interest” to save his life, telling Worf that if he kills him, there will be no way to prove that Worf is after all not a traitor. His efforts fail though: Worf is in a cold blood rage and kills Duras.
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Understanding why he did what he did, but unable to condone it as acceptable behaviour for a Starfleet officer, Picard reprimands Worf and tells him if he cannot obey Starfleet rules he should resign. Worf chooses to remain aboard the Enterprise, but with a black mark against him.
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This episode is quite pivotal in many ways. It wraps up the events of “Sins of the father” by allowing Worf to take revenge on the man who blackened his name, but it does not clear him, as he remarks to Picard: “Many of the council members shared in that lie. They will not be so willing to come forward now.”

By killing Duras, even if it is as a by-product of his revenge and not intended to benefit the other party in the contest, Worf has made a lifelong friend and ally of Gorwon, who now assumes the seat unchallenged. Worf has proven that, like most of us I think, when it comes to love all bets are off and rules be damned. This will not be the last time he puts his heart and his honour above his duty to Starfleet.

The other major thing to come out of this episode of course is that Worf is suddenly, and unexpectedly a father. He is not prepared for this, and it will create many bumps in the road ahead for him, but lead to a liaison with Deanna Troi and a better understanding of what it is to be a parent, and how hard it must have been for his own foster parents, bringing him up.

With Duras dead, you would think that would be the end of it. You would be wrong...

Originally Posted in: The Playlist of Life
Original Posting Date: December 21 2011
Status: On hiatus
Post type: Review
Media: Music

Jordan: the comeback --- Prefab Sprout --- 1990 (Kitchenware)
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Do not ask me why I bought this album. I was never a fan of Prefab Sprout. Like most people I heard and liked singles like “Cars and girls”, “The king of rock and roll” and “When love breaks down”, but I would never have considered buying one of their albums. A handful of singles do not merit the shelling-out of hard earned cash on an album. So I don't know what it was that pointed me in Prefab's direction --- possibly a review, or maybe I heard some tracks on the radio, I really can't remember --- but in the end I was really glad I did. This is an absolute diamond.

Of course, I have never since bought any of their albums (and truth to tell, they didn't exactly rush to follow the success of this one up) but this is still one I can listen to all the way through, with no bad tracks at all. Not one. At all. No. Not one.

For a single album it was huge at the time, containing a massive nineteen tracks in all, and it gets going with the pop/rock of “Looking for Atlantis”, a staccato of drums announcing the arrival of the album, with some really upbeat backing vocals and jangly guitar, sparkling keyboards before Paddy McAloon begins singing. The song is very commercial, very chartworthy with some rather obscure lyrics, as is often the case throughout this album. It's frequently hard to figure out what McAloon is singing about, but the album is so good that you really can just enjoy it on that level, and not be too worried about the deeper meanings in the lyrics, though they're surely there.

It's a great start, with backup vocals from Wendy Smith and madcap harmonica from Judd Lander adding to the sense of fun about the song as Paddy sings ”Should be lovin' someone/ And you know who it must be/ Cos you'll never find Atlantis/ Till you make that someone me.” Er, yeah. Things slow down then for the first of several ballads, the sparkly keyboards again evident as “Wild horses” starts, Paddy's voice laidback and soft, but hitting some high notes in there too. There's a spoken section voiced by Jenny Agutter, of all people --- not sure if it's sampled from one of her movies or if she actually took part in the song, but she is thanked on the album liner notes. At any rate, it's very effective, spoken as it is over trickling cascading keys. It's a sudden change so early in the album, from the rollicking, galloping pop of the opener to this slow, soulful ballad, but then it all changes again for “Machine gun Ibiza”, with a sort of half-blues melody, mostly keyboard led with some nice touches on guitar. It's a slow song, but not a ballad.

And things stay slow but get really special then for “We let the stars go”, a beautiful ballad of lazy summer nights, McAloon recalling it seems a love affair from his youth. Lovely backing vocals again from --- almost a duet with --- Smith, whose voice complements his so well. Layers of keyboards and what could be classical guitar give the song a lush, graceful sound and Paddy sings from the heart. Everything ramps up then for “Carnival 2000”, a fiesta of brass and guitar, starting off low-key on electric guitar as Paddy sings ”Tonight let's raise a glass my friend/ To those who couldn't make it/ A century has shut its eyes/ And who are we to wake it?" A vision of ten years in the future at the time of writing, and a look forward to the turn of the millennium. Very samba-styled, with trumpets, horns and whistles and bongo-style drums with celebratory bells ringing in the background.

It's seldom, if ever, that I would attempt to comment on every track on so large an album, but really, the quality of songs here is so incredible that really, I can't leave out even one. The production, by Thomas Dolby, is pristine without becoming stale or clinical, allowing the genuine warmth --- or the prevailing emotion at any rate --- to shine through in each song, without being produced to the nth degree. The title track envisages Elvis still living somewhere, ready to make his comeback, with a soul/jazz feel to it, more trumpets and some great keys. The King sniffs ”And all of those books they wrote about me/ Man, there wasn't much love in 'em, boys!/ If I'd have taken all that medication/ Man, I'd have rattled like one of/ My little girl's toys!”

With nineteen tracks on the album it's not that surprising that there are no long songs. Only five of them go over the four minute mark, and many are much shorter than that. But each one is a carefully-crafted gem. There really is no filler on this opus, and there's nothing you want to skip over, or think any less brilliant than the tracks that came before. If there's a standout though, it may have to be the double “Jesse James symphony” and “Jesse James bolero”, the first of which is played on tinkly keyboard with a very simple melody as Paddy tells the story of (possibly the, but certainly a) Jesse James, and how he was cursed from birth. ”Jesse James was never/ Part of life's great symphony/ All he heard were / Penny whistles out of key.”

It then slips into the tango-like second part, the bolero, much more dramatic and powerful as Paddy relates how Jesse met his end. ”All his plans/ Crafted and clever/ Fated unborn/ Unfinished forever.” “Jesse James bolero” is a much more solid song, with full instrumentation and backing vocals from Wendy, which have been missing for a little while now. Nice banjo in the middle, great little touch. The two songs are great, but really it's hard to play them apart, as they really do run together, and they're a great example of something that becomes more than the sum of its parts. A minor masterpiece.

After that, “Moon dog” is a little ordinary, but still a great little song, with a lovely whistling keyboard intro, kind of reminscent of Deacon Blue's “The very thing” . Pulsating little piano runs as Paddy bemoans the destruction of natural resources as he sings ”We chopped a billion trees/ To print up eulogies.” Not entirely sure, but I think he's annoyed that the USA were the ones to make it to the moon, after all the hurt they caused on the Earth. Like I say, hard to get into his head vis a vis the meaning of his lyrics, but you can definitely enjoy the songs. “All the world loves lovers” is a simple mid-paced half-ballad, with sweeping keyboards and a boppy beat as Paddy tells his lover ”You and I won't lose our heads/ Like other lovers do/ Thinking this will last forever/ When it's just a year or two.” Pragmatic, but hardly likely. One of the shortest songs on the album then, at just over a minute and a half, “All boys believe anything” showcases, finally, the lead vocals of Wendy Smith against Tom Waits-style accordion and piano, with lovely strings arrangement, and the only lyric in the whole song is the title. Lovely lonely harmonica to end.

Things pick right up again then with the electric “Ice maiden”, buzzy feedback guitar riding on keyboard lines as the song bops along and Paddy declares ”So what if tomorrow you're frozen?/ Death is a small price for Heaven!” What sounds like saxophone makes a welcome contribution here, the guitar getting a little funkier as the song goes on, then “Paris Smith” segues directly in on the back of wavy keyboards as McAloon again demonstrates his mastery of the written word: "Any music worth its salt/ Is good for dancing/ But I try to be the / Fred Astaire of words.” And indeed you are, my friend!

Tongue firmly in cheek then, he launches the band into “The Wedding March”, where he admits ”One dance whose steps/ I never could learn/ It's called the wedding march.” It's played like an updated twenties dance tune, and you could just see him in top hat and tails, dancing under the spotlight as he sings this on some vaudeville stage. It's great fun, with a very catchy melody, what sounds like mandolin and a put-on twenties voice at one point, mirambas and vibes adding to the feel of a song from yesteryear.

The absolute standout then --- and it's hard to say this, since as I've already mentioned once or twice, every song here is a potential standout --- has to be “One of the broken”. How can you ignore a song which begins "Hi! This is God here!” One of the most beautiful and simple ballads I've heard in a very long time, it's carried mostly on piano lines and light guitar, as Paddy, as God, advises "Sing me no deep hymn of devotion/ Sing me no slow sweet melody/ Sing it to one, one of the broken/ And brother, you're singin' to me.” Stunning, just stunning. And too short. But then again, just the right length really.

After that, “Michael” comes as something of a shock, its dark, dirty guitar and its almost growled vocal sounding more like something you'd expect to hear from Matt Johnson than Paddy McAloon, but it's a powerful song, as Paddy, having taken the role of God, now takes the opposite character as he sings as Satan, looking for forgiveness, asking the archangel to ”Help me write a letter/ To “you-know-who”/ I will sign it “Lucifer regrets”.” The sharp, echoey keyboard helps reinforce the Devil's frustration and panic as he says ”Can't forget his final words were/ Ain't no comeback gonna come your way/ He never could resist a sinner/ Or ignore a distress call/ Got such a fall!”

And THEN... a simple, gorgeous acoustic ballad, “Mercy” is the shortest track on the album, at a mere one minute twenty-three seconds, and is, well, just amazing. Completing, if you like, the “Satan looking for forgiveness” trilogy, it's a velvet punch to the heart. Just Paddy and the guitar, nothing else, and it's flawless. Organ keys introduce “Scarlet nights”, which for the first time gets to the kind of tempo we saw in “Looking for Atlantis”, great guitar and powerful drumming as the guys really go for it as the album heads towards its close. Those mellifluous backing vocals are back as Wendy takes her place behind the microphone again, and if this were the closer, it would have been perfect. As it is, there's one more track to go before we bid farewell to Jordan.

A sweet soul ballad, with sumptuous organ and heartwrenching singing from Paddy, accompanied by Wendy, “Doo wop in Harlem” seems to be a song in memory of someone gone on ahead, as the lyric mentions ”If there ain't a heaven/ That holds you tonight/ They never sang doo-wop in Harlem.” It's a low-key, sobering end to an album that has more rises and falls than a ride on Alton Towers, but these are only in terms of tone or rhythm or tempo, never quality, which is maintained at an almost unbelievably high level all through this remarkable album.

It may very well be the case that this is the best album Prefab Sprout ever recorded, or I might just be missing out on others of the same quality, though the latter seems hard to believe. It was nine years before Prefab released their next album, so although this was hugely successful for them, they missed the chance to capitalise on that reception and success, though I doubt Paddy McAloon was, or is, ever that bothered about pleasing the masses and having hit singles.

They're still recording, with another four albums completed and a fifth slated for release in 2011 (better get a move on guys!), but I truly believe this album must stand head and shoulders above not only their other work, but the work of many another pop or rock artist. It's an album that deservedly I believe has a very high place in my collection, and I play it often. I never skip any tracks, and I'm always freshly impressed by how incredible the whole thing is, every time I play it.

It's been said to be a concept album, but I don't really see it. There are recurring themes that keep cropping up: comebacks are mentioned in both the title track and “Michael”, and kind of hinted at in both “Moon dog” and “Jesse James symphony/bolero”, and the theme of religion (with McAloon's somewhat unique slant on it) also runs through much of the album, as do the usual ones of love and loss, childhood and memory. But I don't see any real cohesive story tying the whole thing together.

That does not in any way take from the overall brilliance of “Jordan: the comeback”. It's a stunning achievement, and a record to be treasured, listened to over and over again, and really everytime you listen to it you're likely to discover further layers that you didn't at first realise were there. If Prefab Sprout had stopped recording after this, it would have been a fitting and proper tribute to them, the very zenith of their musical and creative output. And if there ever was a comeback album, in many ways this should have been it.

TRACK LISTING

1. Looking for Atlantis
2. Wild horses
3. Machine gun Ibiza
4. We let the stars go
5. Carnival 2000
6. Jordan: the comeback
7. Jesse James symphony
8. Jesse James bolero
9. Moon dog
10. All the world loves lovers
11. All boys believe anything
12. The ice maiden
13. Paris Smith
14. The wedding march
15. One of the broken
16. Michael
17. Mercy
18. Scarlet nights
19. Doo-wop in Harlem