Except for that

The doctors told you you have a secret set of ovaries.

Welp. No longer a secret now.

Your mother is pregnant with an alien civilization.

I can't keep secrets anymore.

Then do yourself a favor.

At the Mountains of Madness

Update.

:)

Feels good.

Confronted that **** head-on. So proud :D

Awesome story and probably my favourite by Lovecraft, but not the best starting point. Better to go with "The Shadow Over Innsmouth."

As a guy who just went through a breakup of his own (though obviously not on the level of yours) I can say that this was great to read. Thanks, man.

(And by the way... why did you change your name???)

I think I might be long overdue for getting closure with Olivia. I never know if I'm overthinking things though or if what I say is at the wrong time...

I certainly never know how she's gonna take things either... I suppose I'll wait I guess.

Yeah. Felt like the right time.

Glad you could find something enjoyable out of it. Just don't let yourself lose track of time because you feel any sort of guilt. Face the issue head on and you'll not only save a lot of time, but you'll be happier and guilt free because of it.

Take it from me, but you don't want to sit on it. If you start sitting on it now, you'll never get anything done. I wasted half a year with that mindset and it got me nowhere. You need to slap yourself back into reality and face the issue head on, and move on with your life. You'll be much happier in the long run.

Not much more to add really except well done Ki. Starting the year the right way, man. :thumb:

Been a while. I think it's time for an update.

Here's the thing: the year started off great, and don't get me wrong, I'm still content with how things are. However over the last month, I've fallen back into bad habits of feeling sorry for myself and obviously depreasion. I can't sleep at night without somethi NH waking me up. And the way I combat that is with weed. I've been pretty much stoned every day for a few weeks. I went to work yesterday not stoned, and it was the worst day of my life.

Thoughts arose like me feeling guilty again about my ex and other obvious ventures. However even though being stoned helps, that depression has made its way inot stonerrville. No I'm not coming here to complain. I've been trying to do a lot less of that. However this is one of the reasons my time at this forum hs been non frequent. I use it as a crutch to let out my anger and aggression. I can't do that. It's not the right way to handle it.

This mixed with not feeling like I'm doing good enough at work, it really pus you into a spot of vulnmerability. And such, I've been spending every free minute I have, in bed. I work. I get in bed. Done.

It's sad. But don't worry. I'm not dead.

I'm here for you brother. Spreading the love and vibes your way.

All of New Hampshire wakes you up? :yikes:
Sorry; thought you might appreciate a little Trollheart humour. Or not.
:shycouch:

*humor

Eww, that just looks all wrong.

Not American. :finger:
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/humour

*Murican

Didn't realize people were talking in here.

We're not. It's all in your head. Go back to sleep.

When you think about it, if you were to look at yourself in the mirror, who really are you and what do you see? Are you blinded by your own insecurities that with one simple change of hairstyle, you can get back out in the world with full confidence? Well lucky you. If I had even a smidgen of an experience that would change my entire life around, I'd take it. But it seems if there is some form of being up above, he or it has different plans for me.

Be honest, we all say it. "I'm Depressed." But, most of the time from my experience with talking to other people that claim to have anxiety or claim they're depressed, all they're doing is setting you up to fail. There are of course very rare instances where you talk to someone and they meet you on the same wavelengths almost entirely. So much so that you can't possibly imagine not being friends with them. The word depression I feel has lost a lot of meaning, more-so due to people's inability to properly use the word. I've said it before, I'm depressed. Almost to the point that it's physically painful. And I have anxiety, or I've had anxiety since I was a child and had night terrors almost every night. It's absolutely real. The feeling that I'm most used to is waking up in the morning through your alarm, and instantly feeling like you're worthless. Because of this, I go through life thinking I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve anything better than what the worst offer can be, and that sets my bar extremely low. So much so that the decisions I make actually physically make me ill. I hardly sleep at night because I don't want to keep feeling that feeling when I wake up. But it sincerely happens 99% of the time. It's actually sad, because although I do love sleep, I'll keep myself awake until the next morning, just to escape the feeling of worthlessness.

When you do this to yourself, you start to portray the very being of what it means to be depressed and filled with anxiety. Many times through my own life, I've pushed people away almost unknowingly because of my own insecurities of opening up to them. This has happened to me almost entirely throughout my life. One person I get close to, I lose them, another person, I lose them. I had one of the absolute best friend last year. We used to talk about everything. Star Wars, movies, video games, music. It was something truly spectacular, and given that this was during my harsh break up, I felt like I was burdening her, and subsequently I never told her how I felt about her. It's true, I had strong feelings for this friend, because for the first time in my life, I felt like somebody truly cared about what I said. We would share paragraphs of text to each other, to the point that we were almost inseparable. Unfortunately, I got too wrapped up in my own self inflicted wounds that I basically lost her. I think about that all the time, because in my mind, there are a lot of ways to change the past, but in the moment you can't possibly think of it at the time. If I could go back, I probably would tell her straight up how I feel. I can't imagine what my life would look like if only I had taken the plunge. But, of course depression and anxiety play a huge part in this. The result is that we just don't talk anymore. Haven't seen her in quite some time. I even texted her on New Years wishing her a great year and she responded with "who is this?"

It hurts. It truly hurts when you have to live your life each day with something inside you eating at you 24/7. It's hard to go through life knowing that you are just going to **** up again, regardless of the situation. It's an obvious conclusion to take from this that I am truly just not happy with myself, at all. Not a single part.

I've felt what you're feeling :( I understand bud.



On a side note, I'm curious as to what yourfavorite Kanye songs are. I can't stop listening to Flashing Lights this past month or so no matter how hard I try.

Mostly 808's and Heartbreak.

808's is awesome. Streetlights better be in your top 10 brotendo.

If the first thing you think about upon reading this is "man Ki, grow up, get over it," I will happily lead you out the same door you walked in on. This stuff is extremely personal to me and if you don't like it, you can gtfo.

Anyway, I don't recall if I've talked about this particular topic exactly or in depth before, so I want to take this opportunity for people to get a little taste of what my mind has done to me over the years that I've been on this Earth. I do suffer from what they would call night terrors. Although it's not as frequent or terrifying as they once were when I was a kid, you have to take into consideration that this type of stuff doesn't just leave your mind or your body for good. It's one of those things that you tell people have happened to you, but they don't entirely understand what it is or what I'm implying (give or take a few people that know, of course). Night terrors are certainly something I would not wish upon anybody. The feeling of something creeping up on you, and keeping you awake is not something I would consider normal, nor should I. I know it's ****ed to see the things that I see, but unfortunately it's what I live with. It's a part of me.

A more specific example would be an occurrence that happened to me as a kid. I was probably 12...13, maybe 14. Back int he day, this was when the house I live in now was lively and full of family members, so my younger brother and I shared a bunk bed. Well, I would wake up almost every night because I would see things that obviously weren't there. It got to the point that I was nearly crippled, almost physically unable to move because of an unstoppable force taking over me. This particular instance was one of the first times I had witnessed things getting so much larger in size that it felt suffocating. And if you think that's bull****, take that up with my parents that had to shelter me under a blanket on the couch in order to keep the bad things from getting to me. It was the only place I felt safe. From an outsiders perspective, it's hard to truly understand what is being seen. If I could explain it in the best way I can, just imagine looking in front of you, and seeing the walls closing in on you, and nearly crushing you to death. I do feel that I may have actually felt the taste of death through this, although I know that seems impossible.

If I could put it in a way you could understand: try to think of the most terrifying thing you've ever seen. And I mean the most truly most terrifying thing you've ever seen. Now...imagine that particular fear creeping up on you nearly every night when you're at an age that is not up to par with keeping things out of your head. It's not something that sounds fun or particularly good. Because it isn't. I personally wish I never had to experience it, but unfortunately some people have to. And no, I don't want help because what good would that do? What am I gonna do, tell someone that I experienced this and end up in a mental hospital somewhere? No. I'm not of the opinion that these particular instances are meant to be seen in a negative fashion, more-so they should be seen as a part of you. If I'm ever in a mental asylum, it'll be because I did something truly horrible. Don't worry, that won't happen.

You may not believe me, but night terrors are a very real and very common thing among people. If you think of it as a light topic, tell me to my face that it is a light topic. I'll make you a believer in no time. And hell, you don't even have to believe me. I know it happened. That's all that matters.

Of course. I would probably put it in my top 5 for that album specifically.

When you've disassociated yourself from the universe entirely, it's a completely new experience than it is to just forget something happened. Throughout my years on this earth, I would say a good 70-80% of it has been shown through the way my mind wants me to see things. I've not the faintest clue what it means to understand what is going on in this world. Hell, call me crazy. I don't care. I'm not one of those people that will stand in the crowd and be like everybody else. Why would I put myself through such hell? When did it become socially unacceptable to be the person you are as opposed to being normal. Everybody expects something, and more often than not, those expectations are met with certainty that it is the way to be, at least from the perspective of the accuser.

Now, why am I mentioning all of this? Well, to disassociate oneself means to also put yourself into this sort of purgatory that you exist in. I don't particularly disassociate myself entire obviously. Some of my remembers certain aspects of how to live and how to supposedly thrive. However, on a day to day basis, at least for me, I'm looking at an exact mirror image of the day before. Even if there is a sudden change, like a different car moving or different people walking, I see the same thing. I've painted a picture in my head that allows me to just see that image and not be worried about anything else. This means that I'm not very talkative in public. Good. I don't want to be. I am talkative at work of course but that's required. Now, somewhat unexpectedly, I've had the pleasure of being able to communicate this sort of purgatory state with similar persuasion. Subsequently, this allowed a connection to form. The kind of connection you never want to lose touch of. A connection so deep that it allows your current state to enjoy the moments that are shared within that connection. And obviously, this means that those moments are far more special than the norm can ever realize. It's a nice change of pace from the same monotonous movements of every day life.

What does this mean for future me though. Well, it's very easy, and I'm going to explain it to you in the best way I can. The world knows that I'm depressed, that I'm stuck in a bad state, that my anxiety and self guilt tend to be my most disgusting attribute to those on the outside. That I can't be happy. It's true. However, this particular instance allows that attribute to flourish and create something on top of the creation that exists currently. It becomes a way to be happy with being sad. A way to be able to talk about being sad, and not automatically make it a bad thing. This works in ways you can't imagine. And the connection then strengthens to something even deeper than before cementing that connection for life. I'm not going to sit around and act like I'm not depressed or that I'm not hateful of the way my life turned out at the age of 26 (next month) but I'm also not going to be told that it's a bad way to live. I won't let people tell me "oh, just work out, it'll work." I'm not going to assume you know what you're talking about just because you're older. I won't automatically assume you don't know ****. But when I know that there is a connection out there that can allow that feeling to flourish and heal on its own, I don't have to believe much else.


Talking about something else. I would like to discuss the reasoning of choosing those specific lyrics out of Elliott Smith's A Fond Farewell, and showcase why I have that very name of the song tattoo'd on my left arm. It's not only meant to signify a tattoo, or a song that I really like. No, it's there for me to look at when things are truly bad, when things turn for the worse, and when I look at it, I see the scars it covers, the life I've lived, the people I've seen and talked to. And it makes me realize that it can all be ripped away from you in a second. Throughout my life, this has taken deeper and deeper meaning since the first time I was abandoned, and made a fool of in the grasps of a neighbor. When I got this tattoo, I cemented all of those things I've been through in my life for good. People like to give trauma a bad name, when in actuality, it turns you into this human life being that is capable of so much more than they themselves will ever realize. I get it. It seems weird that I'd be talking about a human being knowing what they're capable of. But that's the difficulty. I know I can be certainly capable of big things, but I know that I'm not capable of getting up and doing them. Why would I put myself through the turmoil? I've learned the hard way what disappointment feels like, and it's a feeling I'd like to hold onto, if only to grow from it. Bare in mind, this excludes the connection we talked about earlier. That has taken a deeper meaning in this life than anything else.

Today is a day I wasn't prepared for. Honestly, I had no idea that today was even here until I looked at Facebook and saw that my mom had posted something. Today is my older brother's 30th birthday. Why does this have significance you ask? Well, this is the journal for it, and I feel that talking about it is a great catharsis on a day like this...

My older brother (I'll keep him unnamed for the sake of privacy), we lost the part of him that was well and good, the older brother that I knew was hidden within, about a year and a half ago. He's one of the examples of people who struggle with addiction to the point that it destroys them. Drug of choice? Heroin. I know what you're thinking: "Really Ki? You've caused two people in your life to turn to heroin?" Well, I take responsibility for one of them but not the other. Here's the thing: You can't really describe what it feels like when you're watching someone you've come to respect over the years take certain paths in their life that leads them in reverse. Back when he was falling south, this was during one of the worst times in my life, so while this was going on, I was also trying to get out of a bad breakup and of course, that also resulted in the same fashion. You're probably wondering if we've tried to help him get out of this mess. No, I personally have not. Honestly, you can only burn someone so many times before it becomes stale and numb. This is a brother that when he turned 18, he started to show signs of wanting something else out of his life. bad girlfriends that I've met, pregnancy scares with girls he didn't know, and just running away from his problems. This I believe effected me a lot when I was younger because I was looking for that role model to show me the way, and it wasn't being done. I have a lot of memories with him that I consider good, like him getting me into some hip hop artists, or him coming to events for things I was involved in, but unfortunately those memories have been clouded by the life he chooses to live now.

The big deal here is not that he left his immediate family (because honestly, I don't have a shimmer of hope for him anymore), but he also left his son. He has a son of about 3 years, and he's growing up in the protection of his grandparents, myself and my younger brother, and my brothers ex. He's going to grow up never knowing who his father is. That's not a reality I would wish on anybody. I wouldn't even know what I'd do if I learned later in life that my own flesh and blood turned to heroin or drugs of whatever choosing and left everything else.

Now, I know a lot of people deal with this kind of stuff, so I'm not standing here on a pedestal asking for sympathy. If you don't give half a **** about this, believe me, I don't give a **** either. However, I'm more concerned in my own head about the fact that this is the first year that I was legitimately surprised to know that my older brothers birthday is today. I've remembered every year prior because it was something to be celebrated. Something to be excited for. We'd all get together and celebrate it. But this year is not the same at all. I'm not going to celebrate him. If I were to celebrate him, I'd be celebrating his homelessness, his criminal record, his drug abuse, and everything else he may or may not be dealing in. I really don't know his life anymore, and at this point, I don't think I want to know.

Happy birthday bro. I only say that because it's formality. I don't have any hope or trust in the fact that you'll ever get better. But if you do, I've got some hip hop artists to show you. I don't think you're ever going to get better, and I'm going to continue to realize that I can't look up to you anymore. You've burned too many bridges and you've made us feel what a family should never feel. I don't hope you rot in hell because that's assuming you'll know what that is when you see is. I do have a tiny bit of hope that maybe you'll someday see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, given that you've spent the last 10-12 years chasing after it only to fall backwards, I don't see that happening anytime soon. Call me pessimistic, I don't care. But I won't be celebrating today. It will effect me in a way that I don't want it to because that's how my brain works. But I'm not sad because of you. I'm sad because I've never been able to look up to you in the way that most people should be able to.

I wake up almost every morning thinking in the back of my head that I'm not enough, that I haven't done enough, that I haven't said enough. I wake up with this feeling in my soul eating at me, telling me I'm not the "good enough" that the universe has set out for me. But that is where I believe the problem lies. Everybody wants you to believe that the universe has a set plan for you, and everyone that steps over the boundaries provided, you're crazy and belong in some mental institution. I personally know a few things are for certain, given that I've experienced them myself, however I do not that there are a lot of uncertainties. Anyway, here are a few:

• This Connection I Spoke Of Before: What do I mean by this? It's fairly obvious to those that have felt this. In this world we're being played like chess pieces, moving in certain ways in order for us to get to that final goal. However, there are times when a wrong move is made, or in this particular case a right move was made, and two pieces on the chess board form a connection that isn't seen by everybody but those two people. These pieces we speak of are our "soul siblings" in the way that everything feels perfect and at ease, and even time seizes to exist. Sure, some people would consider this along the same concept as soul mates, or people who are meant to find each other. I certainly agree with that, but at the same time, the terms are so loosely thrown around now that anyone that thinks they're feeling what you're supposed to feel in that connection, get misdirected, and miss the opportunity of a lifetime to potentially get into contact with whom you are really meant to get into contact with. The reason I say this is because for perhaps one of the very very few times in my life, perhaps even the first time in my life, I've been given the gift of feeling this connection, and strengthening it practically over night. I can only describe it as a connection that cannot be broken. A bond that cannot be altered. A friendship that means more than the term itself. There's something truly special about it and although not all is clear, I do know that the connection exists.
  
• That Feeling of Being Inadequate: We all feel it. We all have those moments where we feel like we're not good enough. Now mix that with someone that suffers from a really painful amount of depression and anxiety, and you've come to know what 90% of me really is. I can't remember the last time I got home from work and didn't instantly shower and get into bed. It could be 3pm, 8pm, 10am, whatever. My motivation tends to just leave itself wherever it was last found, resulting in me doing absolutely nothing. I had a really bad case of this a few nights ago. Felt as though someone was tugging at the inside of myself and attempting to break everything. It hurt to the point where the only thing keeping me going is that connection we discussed earlier. That should tell you the power of it all. Though of course this didn't keep me from hiding under my covers and forgetting the world exists. Hell, that's a normal happening for me.

Well, it's not as much as I was expecting to write about, mostly because I just wanted to give an update on how life is going. I guess you could say that life isn't going terrible. Though part of me never wants to leave behind the bad. Don't worry though, I'm enjoying the good as much as I humanly possibly can. Mostly because that good is set in stone to stay here forever. Nothing can break it. Nothing can destroy it. It's strong enough to withstand a nuclear explosion.

When you deal with severe amounts of depression and anxiety like I do, it's important to try to combat that with realizing and remembering what you have surrounding you. This could be simply going for a walk, a hike up to a mountain you've never climbed, or simply just looking out your front lawn and realizing where you are.

While that is important in itself, it's also equally as important to find someone that you can share your problems with. And while it can be vastly more important to find that someone that has those same things to deal with, it's still important to have someone even closely relating to what I said earlier to talk to. I'm lucky in the sense and I remind myself every day, that I do have someone that I can share this stuff with. I just hope and wish that everyone is as lucky and can find that as well.

Anyway, along with all of that, I decided to take a journey into my world, and I felt it was important to take you all with me. I've taken several upon several of various photos that I would like to show you. This can give you as much of a deeper look into my life as you want it to. I just felt it's worth sharing. This will be of course part 1 of a multiple part series.

First and foremost, we have the powerlines:

This is a particular area that EVERYBODY who lives in this area knows about. It's called the powerlines for an obvious reason shown in the picture below.
http://i.imgur.com/mWmGis6.jpg?1

When you live in the place you've lived in for so long, you really do take for granted the things you have around you. I try to get up to this area as much as humanly possible, because I want to appreciate it as much as I possibly can before I die.

There are several trails that go through it:

http://i.imgur.com/0iY0I6l.jpg?1

But what is equally as important as the area itself, is the adventure to the area:

http://i.imgur.com/ENZwHjs.jpg?1

And of course I have several more pictures of the area:
http://i.imgur.com/3J7L0oa.jpg?1
http://i.imgur.com/Kbmi2jK.jpg?1

(end of part 1)

Of course along with just the area itself, it's also surrounded by several other interesting trails and little things to see and look at for several minutes:

http://i.imgur.com/Oz76ZBC.jpg?1

At one point in my life, I remember seeing two homeless guys sleeping in the exact area above. There are still remnants of them here, but I didn't get those pictured unfortunately.

http://i.imgur.com/HASa1Tj.jpg?1
http://i.imgur.com/8EhHric.jpg?1
http://i.imgur.com/ZvNsHjI.jpg?1

These are those mini trails I was telling you about. There's tons of fun to walk on.

http://i.imgur.com/hNRI4Na.jpg?1
I took a picture of this because I've always found it interesting the types of things you can find in the woods.

(end of part 2)

Last but certainly not the least, we've got the "extra stuff". My area is filled with so much cool stuff that I had to take pictures of all of it.

http://i.imgur.com/PbgDhkO.jpg?1
This right here is an abandoned bomb shelter. It's since been almost completely destroyed and is still falling apart. It's actually a huge feat that it has survived for so long. As you can see, the little misfits have gotten to it over the years.

http://i.imgur.com/dVlHl7g.jpg?1
This here used to be a military base, that has since been turned into a school. I am completely convinced that this place is haunted somehow, because when I was a kid, I would ride my bike up there, and there was just something so eery and terrifying about it all. There's actually a whole section of this base blocked off for an unknown reason. Nobody has ever been able to set foot over to it, so I wonder what's really going on up there. It's always been a mystery. And yes, they do have barbed wire on the fence gate.

http://i.imgur.com/uwt3Vcy.jpg?1
Last one. We have a portion of my house. That's really it.

There's various pictures that I decided not to show, because they were either boring or silly. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed.

Did Ki just confess to murder?

Who's Ki?

**** if i know i never met him i swear

you're crazy man.

https://i.imgur.com/j6CM2vx.jpg

...and so I said, self? What the ****? Why you doing what you doing and ruining everything that you have in every place that you go. Why do you feel it necessary to create issues where issues don't need to be? Don't start with that depression and anxiety crap. You know damn well what you're doing. You remember a while ago when someone told you they remind you of a sociopath? Well look at yourself and ask yourself if you understand what they meant. Tell me you see it. You're ****ing up. You need to figure this **** out, otherwise we both go crazy. Don't forget. I control you, it's not the other way around. I tell you how to feel, what to do, and what to say. I make you feel like **** for no reason because it's a reminder of the pain you put me through.

...actually, scratch that. Forget the last line that I said to you because that's far too poetic for my feeble self. So, self? Again I ask. What the ****? What are you doing? You've had many good and many bad and for some reason you prefer the bad. Stop doing this to yourself and figure this **** out before you really lose it. I can feel it coming and I can help you stop it, but you gotta help me get to that point. Figure your **** out. I feel like we've had this discussion before, but now I've made things your bitch, and your following along.

Sincerely,

Self.