Lucem Ferre

Interesting thread. I can relate to a lot of it.

You ever thought of seeing a counselor? Perhaps getting put on anti-anxiety medicine?

__________________

Art Is Dead. Buy My ****.

Key

I wasn't under the impression that writing this type of journal meant I needed a counselor or help.

ChelseaDagger

We can always go back to making fun of you, if you prefer

Edit: in my defense, I posted this before Ki's update.

Key

I more-so meant it wasn't my original intention behind making this journal. I'm using it as a space to be open about things I've kept locked up. I don't expect people to take to it, and I certainly don't expect people to understand it. I'm not really looking for help, I'm just looking to empty my mind.

djchameleon

I get that but because we actually care about you on some level. It's instinctual for people that care about you to offer up advice/suggestions and help.

__________________

Fame, fortune, power, titties. People say these are the most crucial things in life, but you can have a pocket full o' gold and it doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have someone to share that gold with. Seems simple. Yet it's an important lesson to learn. Even lone wolves run in packs sometimes.

Key

That's fine. I wasn't saying not to offer it, just saying it's not what I'm looking for.

Key

Life: Part 3 (Anxiety)

I know the first thing that comes to mind when someone says they have anxiety: "you're just saying that because everyone else on my Facebook page is saying that." Do I really seem like the kind of person to self diagnose myself because of something I read on Facebook? If you do think that, you don't know me well enough. I do suffer from anxiety disorder and have suffered with it for a better part of my life. My dad has had to deal with it, and it runs through my family like a cold sore. The thing I've learned from going public with that type of thing is people are so quick to judge those with it because they themselves feel that person isn't being entirely truthful.

Here's the deal, I don't do enough research on the topic to really understand what anxiety stems from or where it comes from, but all I know from my own experience is that I fit every single quality of someone that has anxiety. And for people to up and say something so simple as "just get some help", you really don't have any idea what that makes someone with anxiety think about. I'll give you a bit of taste:

Person 1: Get some help
Person 2: Why? Is something wrong with me? Should I just end it now and be done?
Person 1: Get some help
Person 2: Well **** how am I going to work up the courage to call a doctor and schedule an appointment. I don't like talking on the phone. And how am I going to get to the doctor on time. Hopefully they can see me as well. I'd hate to schedule it then find out they wanted to reschedule it. What are my parents going to think? How am I going to pay for it? well ****, I shouldn't bother I guess.

The above is a bit of an exaggeration I admit, but that should give you an idea of what types of things go through my head when I simple told "get help." Believe it or not, that type of attitude does more bad than good.

To help you understand further, I've been to therapy. Multiple times in fact. And guess what, it never worked. Every single time I saw a therapist, I always felt like I was being judged which prompted me to not be completely open with the therapist. I know they're there to help, but somewhere in my mind I can't process the fact that they truly want to help me out. This has been a common occurrence and I finally got to the point where I felt self discovery was far more important than taking pills to beat away the psychological pain.

I've been through my fair share of traumatizing events in my life. I know, who hasn't? But I'm saying that not to excuse my anxious qualities, but to put further into perspective the demons I fight on a daily basis. I fight with them so often that they've obviously become something I can deal with on a day to day basis. I'm not here to convince you as to whether or not I'm ****ed up or not. Honestly, I couldn't care less if you think I'm full of ****. I know what's wrong with me. That's a lot more than most people can say.

I do plan to talk about some events in my life that some would cringe at, but it's something I really don't mind going public with. So before you read forward, please bare in mind that this isn't something to be taken lightly. I'm being very careful with how I word what I'm about to word, because I feel that people will be so quick to judge if I don't. So here we go: Back in my early teen years, hell I would say it was before I was a teenager, I was molested by my teenage male neighbor that lives up the street from where my parents live (where I currently call home.) I blocked out a lot about what had happened because that's what my mind instantly went to. I saw a therapist for it shortly after it happened, but bare in mind I had to work up enough courage to tell my parents about what happened. At that point, I was terrified to say anything. Even with the amount of therapy I received for it, I firmly believe it has played a huge role in my personal development. I can't hold a steady sexual relationship with any person because I don't want that person to feel the way I felt the first time I ever experienced anything remotely like it. I had opportunities to be in relationships with people prior to my first actual girlfriend, but I ruined it because I could never really put out my feelings for a person. I do firmly believe that I've lost a lot of potential long time relationships because of my own ignorance, and I really don't want to hurt someone with my own personal emotional insecurities. I've had crushed in high school, and after, but every time I get that close to someone, I shut down. Even if I can see the signs that the other person cares enough about me to be in a relationship, I fail to put forward that I feel the same. I just shrug it off or joke about it until they drop the topic altogether.

Of course, I know this plays into being the loner that I am, but I feel that being in a relationship is now just a waste of my time. At some point, I'll mature out of it.

Paedantic Basterd

First off, I want to tell you: I get it. Maybe not "it" exactly as you experience it, but I get it in my own way. When I first booked an appointment with my psychologist, my friend had to do all the research to find her, find out about their fees, how my insurance worked, had to get me the phone number, then talk me through making an appointment both before and after booking it. "Get help" was just something else that was on my long list of deadlines and to-dos; it was a project I did not have the time or energy to undertake. At its most severe, I was too overwhelmed to even think about starting the process, but as soon as the anxiety subsided, I felt like I didn't have the energy to relive those feelings in front of a professional. It took me 8 or 9 months from the date I first realized I had a problem until the problem itself was so severe I could no longer ignore it.

As for your previous forays into mental health, I can tell you both from personal experience and from years of research that the single greatest predictor of success is the relationship between the client and provider itself. You have to like the person, and everyone you meet will be different. Unfortunately, it does take some searching to find a person who you like enough to work with, and there's nothing wrong with that.

But I can attest that if you do persevere (maybe not now, but in the future), and you do find someone you like enough to talk to and to learn from, it can really help you take control back from that ice cold, leaden fist of anxiety.

Blank.

So Ki, I never have been fully able to understand what it's like to go through molestation in any form. Mostly cause I've never experienced it. So thank you for that cause it will help me better understand people who go through it. And help my friends who have gone through it as well and relate to them on a more personal level. You have just made me a better person. I in no way can thank you enough.

Key

No problem. The Bat can be surprisingly genuine. I've experienced it for myself and it's rather strange.

I don't know about all cases, but for mine specifically it's been tough to really feel sexually attracted to anyone because of it. I know that for a fact because whenever I used to get close to my ex in the prime of our relationship, I'd have flashbacks of it, even though I got help. She knew that and understood it, but unfortunately I believe it's also part of why I grew distant from her. It's always good to have a bit of understanding of what they went through, but I wouldn't wish such a thing on anybody.