A Journey Through The Mind of a Loner: A Kiiii Story

djchameleon · 12-08-2016, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChelseaDagger

You should start going on walks, or start working out. Maybe do a random good deed a day to change your outlook and shift up your habits.

This part specifically, if you can muster up enough strength to go outside. Look into doing volunteer work. It will give you something to take your mind off of your current situation while helping others which in turn helps you ou because you feel good doing things for other people.

Key · 12-08-2016, 10:05 AM

I wasn't under the impression that writing this type of journal meant I needed a counselor or help.

Key · 12-08-2016, 11:05 AM

Life: Part 3 (Anxiety)

I know the first thing that comes to mind when someone says they have anxiety: "you're just saying that because everyone else on my Facebook page is saying that." Do I really seem like the kind of person to self diagnose myself because of something I read on Facebook? If you do think that, you don't know me well enough. I do suffer from anxiety disorder and have suffered with it for a better part of my life. My dad has had to deal with it, and it runs through my family like a cold sore. The thing I've learned from going public with that type of thing is people are so quick to judge those with it because they themselves feel that person isn't being entirely truthful.

Here's the deal, I don't do enough research on the topic to really understand what anxiety stems from or where it comes from, but all I know from my own experience is that I fit every single quality of someone that has anxiety. And for people to up and say something so simple as "just get some help", you really don't have any idea what that makes someone with anxiety think about. I'll give you a bit of taste:

Person 1: Get some help
Person 2: Why? Is something wrong with me? Should I just end it now and be done?
Person 1: Get some help
Person 2: Well **** how am I going to work up the courage to call a doctor and schedule an appointment. I don't like talking on the phone. And how am I going to get to the doctor on time. Hopefully they can see me as well. I'd hate to schedule it then find out they wanted to reschedule it. What are my parents going to think? How am I going to pay for it? well ****, I shouldn't bother I guess.

The above is a bit of an exaggeration I admit, but that should give you an idea of what types of things go through my head when I simple told "get help." Believe it or not, that type of attitude does more bad than good.

To help you understand further, I've been to therapy. Multiple times in fact. And guess what, it never worked. Every single time I saw a therapist, I always felt like I was being judged which prompted me to not be completely open with the therapist. I know they're there to help, but somewhere in my mind I can't process the fact that they truly want to help me out. This has been a common occurrence and I finally got to the point where I felt self discovery was far more important than taking pills to beat away the psychological pain.

I've been through my fair share of traumatizing events in my life. I know, who hasn't? But I'm saying that not to excuse my anxious qualities, but to put further into perspective the demons I fight on a daily basis. I fight with them so often that they've obviously become something I can deal with on a day to day basis. I'm not here to convince you as to whether or not I'm ****ed up or not. Honestly, I couldn't care less if you think I'm full of ****. I know what's wrong with me. That's a lot more than most people can say.

I do plan to talk about some events in my life that some would cringe at, but it's something I really don't mind going public with. So before you read forward, please bare in mind that this isn't something to be taken lightly. I'm being very careful with how I word what I'm about to word, because I feel that people will be so quick to judge if I don't. So here we go: Back in my early teen years, hell I would say it was before I was a teenager, I was molested by my teenage male neighbor that lives up the street from where my parents live (where I currently call home.) I blocked out a lot about what had happened because that's what my mind instantly went to. I saw a therapist for it shortly after it happened, but bare in mind I had to work up enough courage to tell my parents about what happened. At that point, I was terrified to say anything. Even with the amount of therapy I received for it, I firmly believe it has played a huge role in my personal development. I can't hold a steady sexual relationship with any person because I don't want that person to feel the way I felt the first time I ever experienced anything remotely like it. I had opportunities to be in relationships with people prior to my first actual girlfriend, but I ruined it because I could never really put out my feelings for a person. I do firmly believe that I've lost a lot of potential long time relationships because of my own ignorance, and I really don't want to hurt someone with my own personal emotional insecurities. I've had crushed in high school, and after, but every time I get that close to someone, I shut down. Even if I can see the signs that the other person cares enough about me to be in a relationship, I fail to put forward that I feel the same. I just shrug it off or joke about it until they drop the topic altogether.

Of course, I know this plays into being the loner that I am, but I feel that being in a relationship is now just a waste of my time. At some point, I'll mature out of it.

~~ChelseaDagger~~ · 12-08-2016, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ki

I wasn't under the impression that writing this type of journal meant I needed a counselor or help.

We can always go back to making fun of you, if you prefer

Edit: in my defense, I posted this before Ki's update.

Key · 12-08-2016, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChelseaDagger

We can always go back to making fun of you, if you prefer

I more-so meant it wasn't my original intention behind making this journal. I'm using it as a space to be open about things I've kept locked up. I don't expect people to take to it, and I certainly don't expect people to understand it. I'm not really looking for help, I'm just looking to empty my mind.

djchameleon · 12-08-2016, 11:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ki

I more-so meant it wasn't my original intention behind making this journal. I'm using it as a space to be open about things I've kept locked up. I don't expect people to take to it, and I certainly don't expect people to understand it. I'm not really looking for help, I'm just looking to empty my mind.

I get that but because we actually care about you on some level. It's instinctual for people that care about you to offer up advice/suggestions and help.

Key · 12-08-2016, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by djchameleon

I get that but because we actually care about you on some level. It's instinctual for people that care about you to offer up advice/suggestions and help.

That's fine. I wasn't saying not to offer it, just saying it's not what I'm looking for.

Mondo Bungle · 12-08-2016, 02:12 PM

I never know if it's cool or not

Key · 12-08-2016, 04:47 PM

Me vs Relationships

It may sound weird, but I have a love/hate relationship with...well...relationships. I know I'm not entirely experienced and I really don't have much to say given my failure of the 3.5 year relationship that ended in absolute chaos. I absolutely love to hear about people finding their loved ones and getting married and starting a family. That is what life is about isn't it? Well, my hate for the whole ordeal comes from my own insecurity and the fact that I'm a firm believer of there not being someone out there for everybody.

I know somehow religiously or otherwise, people seem to think that we were all put onto this earth to find our other half. And y'know, I've had my close encounters with several people that I truly believed were my other half, but as you probably read from my last entry, I'm not very good at going anywhere past a crush. What I mean by that is that I've never really learned how to ask anyone out, or how to tell if the feelings our mutual between myself and someone else. This results in me giving up on the idea altogether and watching as my previous crushes enjoy their new relationships. That's fine and all and I'm always going to be happy for them for finding happiness of their own, but back in my mind I always wonder what life would be like had I grown the balls to be the guy they're with.

I've been told I'm someone people can trust and I'm someone most people would love to be with. But my own insecurities and unwillingness to allow someone else to live in the emotional distress I live with takes over. I am absolutely 100% to blame for not allowing myself to give into a relationship, and I know I need to fix that, otherwise I'll be 40 years old living in a 1 bedroom apartment with my cat. And y'know, that wouldn't sound so bad if I wasn't constantly surrounding by people that are happy and in a relationship.

Again, I want to stress that I have no distaste for people finding happiness and growing a family, but I really just can't see myself in that life. And I know why that is. Am I really looking to fix it? Not really. I mean, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I'm in a relationship. I know what it takes to keep a relationship strong, and I really don't want to put that much attention into it when I personally wouldn't want to be the person dating me. I can't be selfish.

If you're happy, invite me to your wedding. I'll support you 100%. If you're unhappy with your current relationship, I'll help you through it and figure out a way out. I won't use my own personal experience as I now feel that what I did was a completely scumbag alternative, and I could have been way smarter. The result of me being an enormous dick through my break up caused me to lose connections to friends and evidently led to my own loneliness.

Mondo Bungle · 12-08-2016, 05:05 PM

I'll bring stuff back if you really think so. It's also a matter of how tedious it is to type long things

12-08-2016, 10:05 AM	#32 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	I wasn't under the impression that writing this type of journal meant I needed a counselor or help.

12-08-2016, 11:05 AM	#33 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Life: Part 3 (Anxiety) I know the first thing that comes to mind when someone says they have anxiety: "you're just saying that because everyone else on my Facebook page is saying that." Do I really seem like the kind of person to self diagnose myself because of something I read on Facebook? If you do think that, you don't know me well enough. I do suffer from anxiety disorder and have suffered with it for a better part of my life. My dad has had to deal with it, and it runs through my family like a cold sore. The thing I've learned from going public with that type of thing is people are so quick to judge those with it because they themselves feel that person isn't being entirely truthful. Here's the deal, I don't do enough research on the topic to really understand what anxiety stems from or where it comes from, but all I know from my own experience is that I fit every single quality of someone that has anxiety. And for people to up and say something so simple as "just get some help", you really don't have any idea what that makes someone with anxiety think about. I'll give you a bit of taste: Person 1: Get some help Person 2: Why? Is something wrong with me? Should I just end it now and be done? Person 1: Get some help Person 2: Well ** how am I going to work up the courage to call a doctor and schedule an appointment. I don't like talking on the phone. And how am I going to get to the doctor on time. Hopefully they can see me as well. I'd hate to schedule it then find out they wanted to reschedule it. What are my parents going to think? How am I going to pay for it? well , I shouldn't bother I guess. The above is a bit of an exaggeration I admit, but that should give you an idea of what types of things go through my head when I simple told "get help." Believe it or not, that type of attitude does more bad than good. To help you understand further, I've been to therapy. Multiple times in fact. And guess what, it never worked. Every single time I saw a therapist, I always felt like I was being judged which prompted me to not be completely open with the therapist. I know they're there to help, but somewhere in my mind I can't process the fact that they truly want to help me out. This has been a common occurrence and I finally got to the point where I felt self discovery was far more important than taking pills to beat away the psychological pain. I've been through my fair share of traumatizing events in my life. I know, who hasn't? But I'm saying that not to excuse my anxious qualities, but to put further into perspective the demons I fight on a daily basis. I fight with them so often that they've obviously become something I can deal with on a day to day basis. I'm not here to convince you as to whether or not I'm ed up or not. Honestly, I couldn't care less if you think I'm full of **. I know what's wrong with me. That's a lot more than most people can say. I do plan to talk about some events in my life that some would cringe at, but it's something I really don't mind going public with. So before you read forward, please bare in mind that this isn't something to be taken lightly. I'm being very careful with how I word what I'm about to word, because I feel that people will be so quick to judge if I don't. So here we go: Back in my early teen years, hell I would say it was before I was a teenager, I was molested by my teenage male neighbor that lives up the street from where my parents live (where I currently call home.) I blocked out a lot about what had happened because that's what my mind instantly went to. I saw a therapist for it shortly after it happened, but bare in mind I had to work up enough courage to tell my parents about what happened. At that point, I was terrified to say anything. Even with the amount of therapy I received for it, I firmly believe it has played a huge role in my personal development. I can't hold a steady sexual relationship with any person because I don't want that person to feel the way I felt the first time I ever experienced anything remotely like it. I had opportunities to be in relationships with people prior to my first actual girlfriend, but I ruined it because I could never really put out my feelings for a person. I do firmly believe that I've lost a lot of potential long time relationships because of my own ignorance, and I really don't want to hurt someone with my own personal emotional insecurities. I've had crushed in high school, and after, but every time I get that close to someone, I shut down. Even if I can see the signs that the other person cares enough about me to be in a relationship, I fail to put forward that I feel the same. I just shrug it off or joke about it until they drop the topic altogether. Of course, I know this plays into being the loner that I am, but I feel that being in a relationship is now just a waste of my time. At some point, I'll mature out of it.

12-08-2016, 04:47 PM	#39 (permalink)
Key . Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 13,153	Me vs Relationships It may sound weird, but I have a love/hate relationship with...well...relationships. I know I'm not entirely experienced and I really don't have much to say given my failure of the 3.5 year relationship that ended in absolute chaos. I absolutely love to hear about people finding their loved ones and getting married and starting a family. That is what life is about isn't it? Well, my hate for the whole ordeal comes from my own insecurity and the fact that I'm a firm believer of there not being someone out there for everybody. I know somehow religiously or otherwise, people seem to think that we were all put onto this earth to find our other half. And y'know, I've had my close encounters with several people that I truly believed were my other half, but as you probably read from my last entry, I'm not very good at going anywhere past a crush. What I mean by that is that I've never really learned how to ask anyone out, or how to tell if the feelings our mutual between myself and someone else. This results in me giving up on the idea altogether and watching as my previous crushes enjoy their new relationships. That's fine and all and I'm always going to be happy for them for finding happiness of their own, but back in my mind I always wonder what life would be like had I grown the balls to be the guy they're with. I've been told I'm someone people can trust and I'm someone most people would love to be with. But my own insecurities and unwillingness to allow someone else to live in the emotional distress I live with takes over. I am absolutely 100% to blame for not allowing myself to give into a relationship, and I know I need to fix that, otherwise I'll be 40 years old living in a 1 bedroom apartment with my cat. And y'know, that wouldn't sound so bad if I wasn't constantly surrounding by people that are happy and in a relationship. Again, I want to stress that I have no distaste for people finding happiness and growing a family, but I really just can't see myself in that life. And I know why that is. Am I really looking to fix it? Not really. I mean, I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of saying I'm in a relationship. I know what it takes to keep a relationship strong, and I really don't want to put that much attention into it when I personally wouldn't want to be the person dating me. I can't be selfish. If you're happy, invite me to your wedding. I'll support you 100%. If you're unhappy with your current relationship, I'll help you through it and figure out a way out. I won't use my own personal experience as I now feel that what I did was a completely scumbag alternative, and I could have been way smarter. The result of me being an enormous dick through my break up caused me to lose connections to friends and evidently led to my own loneliness.