Key

Today is a day I wasn't prepared for. Honestly, I had no idea that today was even here until I looked at Facebook and saw that my mom had posted something. Today is my older brother's 30th birthday. Why does this have significance you ask? Well, this is the journal for it, and I feel that talking about it is a great catharsis on a day like this...

My older brother (I'll keep him unnamed for the sake of privacy), we lost the part of him that was well and good, the older brother that I knew was hidden within, about a year and a half ago. He's one of the examples of people who struggle with addiction to the point that it destroys them. Drug of choice? Heroin. I know what you're thinking: "Really Ki? You've caused two people in your life to turn to heroin?" Well, I take responsibility for one of them but not the other. Here's the thing: You can't really describe what it feels like when you're watching someone you've come to respect over the years take certain paths in their life that leads them in reverse. Back when he was falling south, this was during one of the worst times in my life, so while this was going on, I was also trying to get out of a bad breakup and of course, that also resulted in the same fashion. You're probably wondering if we've tried to help him get out of this mess. No, I personally have not. Honestly, you can only burn someone so many times before it becomes stale and numb. This is a brother that when he turned 18, he started to show signs of wanting something else out of his life. bad girlfriends that I've met, pregnancy scares with girls he didn't know, and just running away from his problems. This I believe effected me a lot when I was younger because I was looking for that role model to show me the way, and it wasn't being done. I have a lot of memories with him that I consider good, like him getting me into some hip hop artists, or him coming to events for things I was involved in, but unfortunately those memories have been clouded by the life he chooses to live now.

The big deal here is not that he left his immediate family (because honestly, I don't have a shimmer of hope for him anymore), but he also left his son. He has a son of about 3 years, and he's growing up in the protection of his grandparents, myself and my younger brother, and my brothers ex. He's going to grow up never knowing who his father is. That's not a reality I would wish on anybody. I wouldn't even know what I'd do if I learned later in life that my own flesh and blood turned to heroin or drugs of whatever choosing and left everything else.

Now, I know a lot of people deal with this kind of stuff, so I'm not standing here on a pedestal asking for sympathy. If you don't give half a **** about this, believe me, I don't give a **** either. However, I'm more concerned in my own head about the fact that this is the first year that I was legitimately surprised to know that my older brothers birthday is today. I've remembered every year prior because it was something to be celebrated. Something to be excited for. We'd all get together and celebrate it. But this year is not the same at all. I'm not going to celebrate him. If I were to celebrate him, I'd be celebrating his homelessness, his criminal record, his drug abuse, and everything else he may or may not be dealing in. I really don't know his life anymore, and at this point, I don't think I want to know.

Happy birthday bro. I only say that because it's formality. I don't have any hope or trust in the fact that you'll ever get better. But if you do, I've got some hip hop artists to show you. I don't think you're ever going to get better, and I'm going to continue to realize that I can't look up to you anymore. You've burned too many bridges and you've made us feel what a family should never feel. I don't hope you rot in hell because that's assuming you'll know what that is when you see is. I do have a tiny bit of hope that maybe you'll someday see the light at the end of the tunnel. However, given that you've spent the last 10-12 years chasing after it only to fall backwards, I don't see that happening anytime soon. Call me pessimistic, I don't care. But I won't be celebrating today. It will effect me in a way that I don't want it to because that's how my brain works. But I'm not sad because of you. I'm sad because I've never been able to look up to you in the way that most people should be able to.

Key

I wake up almost every morning thinking in the back of my head that I'm not enough, that I haven't done enough, that I haven't said enough. I wake up with this feeling in my soul eating at me, telling me I'm not the "good enough" that the universe has set out for me. But that is where I believe the problem lies. Everybody wants you to believe that the universe has a set plan for you, and everyone that steps over the boundaries provided, you're crazy and belong in some mental institution. I personally know a few things are for certain, given that I've experienced them myself, however I do not that there are a lot of uncertainties. Anyway, here are a few:

• This Connection I Spoke Of Before: What do I mean by this? It's fairly obvious to those that have felt this. In this world we're being played like chess pieces, moving in certain ways in order for us to get to that final goal. However, there are times when a wrong move is made, or in this particular case a right move was made, and two pieces on the chess board form a connection that isn't seen by everybody but those two people. These pieces we speak of are our "soul siblings" in the way that everything feels perfect and at ease, and even time seizes to exist. Sure, some people would consider this along the same concept as soul mates, or people who are meant to find each other. I certainly agree with that, but at the same time, the terms are so loosely thrown around now that anyone that thinks they're feeling what you're supposed to feel in that connection, get misdirected, and miss the opportunity of a lifetime to potentially get into contact with whom you are really meant to get into contact with. The reason I say this is because for perhaps one of the very very few times in my life, perhaps even the first time in my life, I've been given the gift of feeling this connection, and strengthening it practically over night. I can only describe it as a connection that cannot be broken. A bond that cannot be altered. A friendship that means more than the term itself. There's something truly special about it and although not all is clear, I do know that the connection exists.
  
• That Feeling of Being Inadequate: We all feel it. We all have those moments where we feel like we're not good enough. Now mix that with someone that suffers from a really painful amount of depression and anxiety, and you've come to know what 90% of me really is. I can't remember the last time I got home from work and didn't instantly shower and get into bed. It could be 3pm, 8pm, 10am, whatever. My motivation tends to just leave itself wherever it was last found, resulting in me doing absolutely nothing. I had a really bad case of this a few nights ago. Felt as though someone was tugging at the inside of myself and attempting to break everything. It hurt to the point where the only thing keeping me going is that connection we discussed earlier. That should tell you the power of it all. Though of course this didn't keep me from hiding under my covers and forgetting the world exists. Hell, that's a normal happening for me.

Well, it's not as much as I was expecting to write about, mostly because I just wanted to give an update on how life is going. I guess you could say that life isn't going terrible. Though part of me never wants to leave behind the bad. Don't worry though, I'm enjoying the good as much as I humanly possibly can. Mostly because that good is set in stone to stay here forever. Nothing can break it. Nothing can destroy it. It's strong enough to withstand a nuclear explosion.

Key

When you deal with severe amounts of depression and anxiety like I do, it's important to try to combat that with realizing and remembering what you have surrounding you. This could be simply going for a walk, a hike up to a mountain you've never climbed, or simply just looking out your front lawn and realizing where you are.

While that is important in itself, it's also equally as important to find someone that you can share your problems with. And while it can be vastly more important to find that someone that has those same things to deal with, it's still important to have someone even closely relating to what I said earlier to talk to. I'm lucky in the sense and I remind myself every day, that I do have someone that I can share this stuff with. I just hope and wish that everyone is as lucky and can find that as well.

Anyway, along with all of that, I decided to take a journey into my world, and I felt it was important to take you all with me. I've taken several upon several of various photos that I would like to show you. This can give you as much of a deeper look into my life as you want it to. I just felt it's worth sharing. This will be of course part 1 of a multiple part series.

First and foremost, we have the powerlines:

This is a particular area that EVERYBODY who lives in this area knows about. It's called the powerlines for an obvious reason shown in the picture below.


When you live in the place you've lived in for so long, you really do take for granted the things you have around you. I try to get up to this area as much as humanly possible, because I want to appreciate it as much as I possibly can before I die.

There are several trails that go through it:



But what is equally as important as the area itself, is the adventure to the area:



And of course I have several more pictures of the area:



(end of part 1)

Key

Of course along with just the area itself, it's also surrounded by several other interesting trails and little things to see and look at for several minutes:



At one point in my life, I remember seeing two homeless guys sleeping in the exact area above. There are still remnants of them here, but I didn't get those pictured unfortunately.





These are those mini trails I was telling you about. There's tons of fun to walk on.


I took a picture of this because I've always found it interesting the types of things you can find in the woods.

(end of part 2)

Key

Last but certainly not the least, we've got the "extra stuff". My area is filled with so much cool stuff that I had to take pictures of all of it.


This right here is an abandoned bomb shelter. It's since been almost completely destroyed and is still falling apart. It's actually a huge feat that it has survived for so long. As you can see, the little misfits have gotten to it over the years.


This here used to be a military base, that has since been turned into a school. I am completely convinced that this place is haunted somehow, because when I was a kid, I would ride my bike up there, and there was just something so eery and terrifying about it all. There's actually a whole section of this base blocked off for an unknown reason. Nobody has ever been able to set foot over to it, so I wonder what's really going on up there. It's always been a mystery. And yes, they do have barbed wire on the fence gate.


Last one. We have a portion of my house. That's really it.

There's various pictures that I decided not to show, because they were either boring or silly. Anyway. Hope you enjoyed.

The Batlord

Did Ki just confess to murder?

__________________

Key

Who's Ki?

The Batlord

**** if i know i never met him i swear

__________________

Key

you're crazy man.

Key

...and so I said, self? What the ****? Why you doing what you doing and ruining everything that you have in every place that you go. Why do you feel it necessary to create issues where issues don't need to be? Don't start with that depression and anxiety crap. You know damn well what you're doing. You remember a while ago when someone told you they remind you of a sociopath? Well look at yourself and ask yourself if you understand what they meant. Tell me you see it. You're ****ing up. You need to figure this **** out, otherwise we both go crazy. Don't forget. I control you, it's not the other way around. I tell you how to feel, what to do, and what to say. I make you feel like **** for no reason because it's a reminder of the pain you put me through.

...actually, scratch that. Forget the last line that I said to you because that's far too poetic for my feeble self. So, self? Again I ask. What the ****? What are you doing? You've had many good and many bad and for some reason you prefer the bad. Stop doing this to yourself and figure this **** out before you really lose it. I can feel it coming and I can help you stop it, but you gotta help me get to that point. Figure your **** out. I feel like we've had this discussion before, but now I've made things your bitch, and your following along.

Sincerely,

Self.