The Batlord

You know how breakdowns beat all ass and make everything heavier and anti-life? Me too. Here's some for all the poseurs who don't know. I'll post some more when I think of sick ****.


Zao got some mean ****ing breakdowns. Mean. ****ing. Breakdowns. Then they got this song, which is basically just an excuse to build up to the gnarliest breakdown ever. It's awe inspiring.

@1:36



Man, I don't even know if this is the best breakdown on the album cause there are so many that slay the slayiest. But this is the one I always associate with Cryptopsy breakdowns. It's not even that long, but it's right at the end and perfectly placed to make the horns throw themselves.




This album and song are so sick that this breakdown gets... not so much ignored, but there's so much awesomeness going on that one single moment in one song can only get so much play. But it's one of the absolute sickest moments in metal. There's at least one or two other moments in this song that are also the sickest in metal btw.

@1:38



I don't generally go much into live albums, but this song is probably the biggest example I've ever heard of a live version outshining the album version. That breakdown is awesome, but what really makes it is the pause... and then, "STIR THIS MOTHER****ER UP!" Just a little bit of drama to make you want to curb stomp a poseur loser **** ****head.

2:50

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The Batlord

Thrash is generally all about the furious, intense, hardcore riffing, but especially as the 90s approached and came we got to hear thrash bands slowing down and hitting with the savage riffs. It wasn't always non-lame, but when it was good it was great. Let's explore some songs that are heavy as ****.


Sacred Reich were a band that made their bones with faster crossover thrash madness, but on The American Way calmed down enough to deliver a more accessible kind of thrash album that still slayed. The title track is the perfect kind of slower thrash song that delivers the aggression with some sick riffs that are perfect for a casual thrash comp to give to your metal newb friends. This song inspired this post.



Slayer has enough slower songs from the aforementioned time period to qualify several times over, but this song always stuck with me the most cause it's relentless, repeated riff is just the coolest ****ing thing ever. Slayer's riff majesty was always going to make them brilliant at this kind of song tbh. Seasons in the Abyss has never clicked with me quite as much as their earlier material due to its more polished approach, but tracks like this still make it a stone cold classic regardless.



Honestly when I thought of this post I didn't for a second think of Anthrax or the tempos on Among the Living... until I was scrolling down my thrash metal folder and was like, "Yeah, that album has a lot of slower bangers, doesn't it?" Damn me this song is cool as **** and has that nice riff that any song on this list needs. It goes kinda fast around two-thirds of the way through, but for much of its length it's a sick backdrop to Joey Belladonna waxing moronic about just how cool Judge Dredd is. And that's purrty cool. Also one of my absolute fav Anthrax songs so that helps.



Man oh man has this song ruled my ass for a decade and a half. That ****ing riff is just the heaviest, and those goofy political lyrics are just thrash fun at its unintentionally silliest. This is a track that bangs as hard as any four-on-the-floor pop song and is as addictive. It could single-handedly justify the mediocre Definition album if "The Target" didn't do so as well. If you don't like this then you don't like pussy.



Bro, if I didn't include one of the absolute heaviest thrash bands in existence in this post then I'd turn in my metal card. What I love so much about Demolition Hammer is how they base their sound so much around their drummer rather than one of their guitarists. It gives their music a rhythmic, percussive sound that works perfectly with their often slower riff work that could demolish a perfectly sound building. "Carnivorous Obsession" is more consistently mid-tempo, but "Human Dissection" just edges it out in quality and is generally the song I always start Epidemic of Violence with, even though it's the second song on the album. Honestly though both songs could be on this list cause they're ****ing savage and you're not.



This is the single entry from a nu wave thrash band since I generally just don't care for post-90s thrash, but Evile's Enter the Grave was pretty ****ing wizard, with a crunch courtesy of thrash-era Metallica producer Flemming Rasmussen that gave it a heft not found in pretty much any other wannabe thrash band. A lot of the album contains Slayer-ific fast riffing, but this song is mostly sans that, and has some seriously ****ing heavy **** going on that is catchy and savage and awesome and makes me want to kill Trollheart.



To me this song is the sound of malicious aggression with moderate patience. This song will kill you, and kill you real durn ****ing good, with lots of guts and fluids, but it's fine with drawing out the torment and making your wife watch with a dick in her ass that she secretly likes. ****ing goddamn savage and **** Christ.



I could have put a few Metallica songs on here, as they have a knack for mid-paced bangerz, but I chose to use this song as it truly exemplifies the kind of song I'm going for here, but seriously "Seek and Destroy" would make me absolutely as happy as would "Harvester of Sorrow", so if you want to consider them co-winners then feel free to do so, cause they're perfect ("Am I Evil" too, but the only reason I didn't absolutely include it as the winner of the post is that it's a cover of an NWOBHM non-thrash song). "Leper Messiah" is the great, ignored crusher of Metallica's discography. **** religion.



I started this post by specifying the late-80s and early-90s, but Exodus have been doing great mid-tempo **** since they were birthed, and while I could put any number of subsequent tracks here, lets just go with the older classic. Gotta have one older song. God this song is heavy and awesome and evil and gloriously cheesy.

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The Batlord

Sup, bitches? I'm back and not better than ever because that's conceptually impossible for a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself. Deal with it. I'm sure you're wondering what happened with that whole The Return of the Kings of Metal thing, but I'm not gonna tell you cause **** you and I'm lazy. What I am about to relate to you is somewhat after that awesomeness, after I had returned home in Devin Townsend's time machine. Well, almost returned...

After returning from whenever the hell I actually was I stepped out of my nondescript heavy metal time machine and was like, "Bro, where's the wifi?" It was 70 years in the future or some ****. Cause I was in Nazi Germany. How did I know? Try walking down the streets of Nazi Germany without seeing a swastika flag and then come ask me. They're kind of a giveaway unless you want to make some lame joke about Alabama.

There were a bunch of people hanging around all excited on the sides of the streets, but mainstream excitement means nothing to me so I found the nearest bar cause I'd never been to an actual German bar (Do they call them pubs or is their some yob German name for them?) I don't know, but the place had some nice booze anyway. The bartender tried to charge me deutschmarks but as I didn't have any I just threw a copy of Hell Awaits on the counter and he accepted it even though he didn't look like he completely understood why he considered it a perfectly valid form of currency. Metal knows no time barriers.

As I was chugging my 14th beer I was feeling pretty loose, so all the thundering **** like old school marching music and marching dudes didn't really bother me. The bartender seemed kind of offended that I told him to turn up the radio though, even if it was just some loud douche yelling about Jews or whatever, so I figured I'd go check out what all the hubbub was about cause I was too lazy to **** with the Gestapo if I got informed on.

Holy ****.

All those people lining the streets and cheering and heiling weren't just retarded. There was a ****ing parade. Parades are normally lame sauce cause who cares about dudes who think they're hard but can't **** **** up in the mosh pit? But these dudes were on point. SS I guess, cause they had those Thor symbols on their admittedly bitchin' uniforms, and they were chanting this German marching song that kind of kicked ass in the metal sense.

Ade, mein liebes schätzelein,
Ade, ade, ade,
Es muß, es muß geschieden sein
Ade, ade, ade,

I tried to play it cool with a mean mug and my arms crossed, cause I'm not about to look like some Bosch newb, but it was some nice ****. The melodies and rhythms were hypnotic, and the spectacle was goddamn enthralling. The tubas did a gnarly job of imitating the stomp of marching feet, and as they fell every time the soldiers' feet did, it was so ****ing heavy. The straight-legged goose stepping was designed specifically for the foot to hit the ground as crisply and loudly as possible, so that the buildings rattled and my nuts jangled. The guttural German language was ****ing perfect for the hard rhythms of the song, causing utter devastation.

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria
Sieg heil! viktoria!

Not gonna lie, the reverberating singing and bone crushing bass engulfed the entire area making me kinda pick up what they were putting down. My toe tapped and my head bobbed against my will as if Der Führer himself were gazing on me with stern insistence. Before my eyes on the sidewalk marched massive formations of conformist twats in perfect unison. Despite my-metal-self I felt an odd urge to join in. I refrained cause I'm not a Nazi. Duh.

Then the tanks started rumbling along. It was like the thunder of Thor himself ****ting on the poseurs of the world and I nodded my head approvingly. So. Many. ****ing. Tanks. Cool tanks. German tanks. My hardon betrayed me.

Visier und ziel sind eingestellt
Ade, ade, ade,
Auf stalin, churchill, roosevelt,
Ade, ade, ade,

I was finding it hard to think at this point. The music was so uplifting. The spectacle was awe-inspiring. The enthusiasm, both of the soldiers and the crowd, was infectious. My mind was shifting in a way that I did not expect or entirely welcome, but, "ADE! ADE! ADEEE!"

I made eye contact with a particularly blonde-haired, blue-eyed Aryan god who gave me a gangsta headnod which I returned, and I was lost. All I wanted was for the swirling psychedelia of this most obtuse reality to even further engulf me as nothing before had. I was willing to quiet that insignificant part of my brain going, "Dude, what the **** even is this and what are you doing, dummkopf"? I was willing to go along with whatever the **** was going on cause it was just so, so, so ****ing metal and God himself was probably begrudgingly throwing up the horns.

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria
Sieg heil! viktoria!

**** it. On the spur of the moment I leapt into the street behind a giant platoon of men at least ten columns wide, all of the most metal, in-step ****. It took a few seconds to get the goose stepping down, but once I did it was Deutchland Uber Alles for life. Seriously, what the **** is going on? I voted for Ackbar. I just couldn't help it. Nazi music and Nazi parades and Nazi hats are just cool and I couldn't contain myself.

Then I realized I didn't have a hat. **** that ****. I was at the back of the formation, all by myself in my own row cause that's just me, so I grabbed some guy's helmet from in front of me and bestowed it upon myself like a truly smug badass. He swung around while still marching like a pale god, saw how awesome I was, and gave me a Nazi thumbs up before turning back around. Pretty sure they shot him cause he didn't have a hat but I really wasn't paying attention.

Wir ruhen und wir rasten nicht
Ade, ade, ade,
Bis daß die satansbrut zerbricht,
Ade, ade, ade,

As I marched with the SS there was this strange, almost certainly in god damn ****ing hindsight, malevolent spirit just floating in the air that wasn't any **** that was ever **** and I don't know what that means but **** if I wasn't surrounded by some ****.

I felt like my very blood was speaking to me, telling me tales of heroism and pride, of honor and family, and of the gods... juh wut? Oh ****, wut, um... Muslim ray guns and ****."

Somehow I knew the lyrics to the psychotic horror of "Sieg Heil, Viktoria!"

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria
Sieg heil! viktoria!

Our raucous peons to our ancestors shook the very heavens, to say nothing of the subhuman, poseur scum who refused our majesty. None would be spared, no matter the haircut. Only the righteous would survive, as Varg portended.

The Metal Elite are a proud people and the incursions upon our territory are an affront upon metal itself, and we will not tolerate it, nor will we tolerate those who ally with nations who are an affront to True Metal.

It was around this time that I'm throwin' up the Heil that... OHOHOH... Hitler. It's him. The Brohrer. Dude, son. So stoked. You don't even know. I got the cadence down like wut and I'm reppin' NSDAP like a nut, and everything just gets to be too much when he points to me. I'm gonna front like I didn't squeal but I totally did and you know it. And he points at me. Huh...

He motions me to come forward... and I'm just like, why would The Main Man want to see me when I just came in from a time machine and don't even know what time it is? But the euphoria spikes and I perform a crisp right face from the SS formation and march straight up to Hitler on the bigass sweet podium that was like... it was big and ****. I think they had some pyrotechnics, but that wasn't unusual... I think.

Reich mir die hand zum scheidegruß
Ade, ade, ade,
Und deinen mund zum abschiedskuß
Ade, ade, ade,

Up the steps and up the steps and up the steps I marched, until I was in front of Mein Führer... dear Dio his mustache was masculine. It's just so straight. And hard. Thor help me. And then he said some German ****, and he presented me with what an ancient dialect of the Western Metal Revivalist 3rd Sect told me was a pretty prestigious medal of racial services or some weirdness I guess.

I'm standing in front of The Guy. He's holding the medal, about to put it on me, I don't even know what's going on I'm so overcome, and then I'm just like... what the Slayer is even going on?

Es geht um deutschlands gloria,
Gloria, gloria,
Sieg heil! sieg heil! viktoria!
Sieg heil! viktoria!

I'm not a Nazi. I beat up a bald guy in Minnesota cause he looked at a black guy funny. Holy ****, it's Hitler!

Puts the medal on me, takes a step back and heils me. So I kick Hitler in the ****ing balls.

THE END.

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Trollheart

Boo! Bring back The Return of the Return of the Return of the Kings of Metal, you arrogant Nazi scum!

Note: were you high and/or drunk when you wrote that? It was pretty terrible.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

The Batlord

Probably was.

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The Batlord

This is not a post from someone who understands the ins and outs of musical composition, because I absolutely ****ing do not and am a pleb to be obviously honest. This is not a post about how if you don't like death metal or brutal death that you are a tasteless twat. This is a post about the general nature of liking music and how you should not feel any expectations as to what you should like beyond your current taste in music, no matter how much you should hope that your taste should evolve. This is beyond obvious, especially for this forum, but I still think that even the most confident music fan can feel like they should like something simply because they've heard that they should enough times that it sinks into their subconscious that they should. Pretty sure we're all guilty of this at some point and to some extent.

Seriously, I love None So Vile. It's possibly the apex of the crossroads of brutal, intense, noisy, and complex death metal, even if it's not the apex of any of those adjectives. The energy of this brutal death metal album is simply off the charts. But I do not get probably 95% of the musicianship on display. I don't care. I'm a pleb when it comes to Cryptopsy and everything they potentially have to offer to any music fan. I love it's viciousness, I love its meandering sickness, and I love those riffs that degenerate into the most malevolent breakdowns known to man. But I do not understand it.

While this does not in any way hold back my love of the album and all that it does to my eardrums, I imagine that if I had a greater understanding of composition I would probably love it far more. For that reason I have to leave my ego at the door when I listen to it or I'd spend far too much time futilely trying to figure it out, when that simply is not within my wheel box, and that's okay. One day I might learn more about composition and love None So Vile all the more, but for the moment I simply love it for its extreme brutality and chaos. And those ****ing riffs.

I'd like to think that I am simply preaching to the choir on this forum, but I still think that the mentality that you should truly understand a piece of music before you can be considered to actually enjoy it prevails, if only in the backs of the minds of a lot of people who are not comfortable with the idea of other people understanding their favorite albums more than they do, and I'd honestly be surprised if that wasn't true of even the most sophisticated among us. To be honest this post isn't a teaching moment by a twat trying to dispense knowledge to the incompetent masses, but it's just a hopeful attempt to reinforce what you already know, if only in the backs of your minds when you're feeling a bit self-conscious about discussing something you just started liking with people who have more experience with it.

So thumbs up to you for liking **** and not feeling any obligation to like it in any certain way. Hopefully I didn't come off as a superior twat. Even though I am. Superior that is.

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Frownland

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Studies show that when a given norm is changed in the face of the unchanging, the remaining contradictions will parallel the truth.

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard

cryptopsy is definitely in the running for Canada's best gift to the rest of the world

and for that i say you're welcome

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Music Blog / RYM / Last.fm / Qwertyy's Journal of Music Reviews and Other Assorted Ramblings

The Batlord

OMG **** you for noticing the one typo that I noticed even before I saw your post!

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The Batlord

I'd already decided your country was worth saving for Annihilator, but Cryptopsy is a big help.

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