A Place, But Unlike Other Places

CoNtrivedNiHilism · 09-12-2014, 12:57 AM

Lately. To open up this thread to write up another review for another album that I held in high acclaim this year, has proven a bit difficult. It is not a matter of not knowing which album I will write about next. Rather it has to do with all of the things bouncing around in my mind.

I'm not the only writer here. My situation is not unique. Everyone here experiences this. There's all these things you want to get out in the open, to express. But you're not sure where to start. My solution has always been to either grab a pin, and put it to paper and just let whatever thoughts I have, spill out. Or to open a Word document. Over thinking or over complicating what you want to say just hinders the creative process. I've succumbed to doing this plenty, no exclusion here.

So I'm sitting here listening to old Our Lady Peace records, Naveed and Clumsy mostly...tracks from Gravity that still held that old Our Lady Peace charm from their latter days. They have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. I could listen to Raine Maida sing any day. Unique voice and a good song writer. What I'm stalling to express here, is that I found the catalyst I need to come to this journal of mine, and actually post something, by means of Our Lady Peace.

The biggest thing we all have in common with each other on this forum, is our love, passion, appreciation, our pursuit of music to listen to that we connect with on a plethora of levels. We've all got or idols that we look up to, the songs that we confide in. The only thing I feel that is a more powerful force than music, is love. Those two things go hand in hand. I don't care if it is cliche. But music saved my life.

I grew up in Newport, Oregon for nearly 12 years of my life, and so I consider it to be my hometown. However. A lot of the memories I have of Newport aren't pleasant. Most of the good memories or experiences I have of it, they're all tarnished by my father. He was a lost man, an angry man, and a drunk. I'm not the only kid at that time, or at all to ever experience the traumatizing result of abuse. Myself, my siblings and my mother all had our share of it from my father. 12 years of living in fear of one of the two people meant to love me, protect me, nurture me, coming home to beat me, or any of my siblings or mother, just because he wasn't happy with himself or his life. I almost died when I was six because my father was too clueless to know that when someones skin was turning pale or blue, you shouldn't just sit on your ass, get that kid to the damn hospital. My mother had told him to watch me while she was at work. Well. He failed. She came home to me barely even alive, suffocating on the fluid in my lungs from pneumonia...

A constant throughout all of that living hell, was music. My father had a lot of music. No matter what kind it was. I'd put in on, and escape for a little while. I always think about what sort of person I'd be today if my mother hadn't left my father when she did. Would I even be alive right now? It's hard to say. But I have a feeling that my fate wouldn't have been nice, maybe drugs, maybe something else. But thank God for music. I think I started writing songs when I was around 8 or 9. I really don't remember what much of it was about, but I am certain I wrote about my father a lot, all the anger I had...or still have now. I had this idea in my head then, that I'd somehow find myself in a band with close friends, standing behind a microphone singing my heart out to unknown faces. I'm almost 28 now. If I haven't found myself in a band at this point. I'd like to think it has to do with being scared, or maybe I don't want so many people to know me on that personal of a level. That's all probably just an excuse not to do it. Some could question that I probably don't want it that bad if I haven't done it yet. I don't know.

Music means a lot to me, a whole hell of a lot. If music never existed. This world would be a far worse place than it is now.

Cheers to you all.

Oh. I meant to post a song I wrote when I was 13 about my father to accompany this journal entry. I couldn't find where I placed it. I kept it in an old shoe box, I wrote it on my birthday and titled it 'Burn Softly' for some unknown reason. I speculate that the title could be a metaphor to express how the pain and anger I have to this day over my father, it has sort of been this emotion that has lingered for my entire life for him, of if I should forgive him for my own sake so that maybe that anger and pain I have might finally rest. I was 13. So the title could be something that doesn't even make sense. Who knows? I'll post it here if I find it.

Ok! Found an old journal from middle school and high school. Has a lot of lyrics and poetry. At the risk of you all having a good laugh at my expense. I will share with you the angst that I had when I was younger. A lot of these are ten or more years old. Some look to be unfinished, too. Some are also a bit long or drawn out. There are also some newer entries from a few years ago, as much as three to four years ago.

| Act 1 |

I can't define this loveless love, I can't say what it means, and I still scream that it had to die
Held in these trembling hands are the promises left forsaken, the smiles and the laughter, the bitter tears that point the blame
I stand as a man that can't keep his voice from shaking from heartache, that can't shed the blame resting on his shoulders every day
Even the best of fairy tales have their sleeping demons, waiting to choke even the deepest love, up in flames tearing through the sky
And the future that I was holding on to with all my might, cut my hands and bloodied my face, as I hung my head in shame, face buried in my hands
I can't look back through all these pages written with fables of a perfect world
It just hurts too much, it just hurts too much

The record keeps playing on repeat, over and over again in this empty chamber of my heart
Its walls are covered by the cruel reality that I'm a monster that hurts everything I want to cherish
Faded days blur together, and time creeps by leaving me behind
I'm playing tug of war with the part of me that wants to pick myself up, brush off the dust, and start over again new
But I'm afraid that the other part of me that just wants to dig up six feet of earth, bury the ghost of who I once was and leave without a fight, is winning the war
I just want to save myself, but I just can't find the strength to try
I just want to forgive myself, but it just doesn't feel right
It doesn't feel right

| The Empty Blue |

You stare in to the empty blue
Wonder what's next?
Look through your telescope
To see what God's planning
If this all came down
Would we be ready?
If there was nowhere left to stand
Would we be able to swim?

We're not paranoid
But we're hiding in holes
We need space machines
So we stay secure
We can't handle the fear of the unknown
That's why we're always looking up
Still not sure what's coming
So we're pulling solutions out of hats

| Lament And Penance |

I want to take a minute of your time to explain a minute of mine
I want to take just one minute of your time to explain how I felt when you changed
If I pick my words carefully to illustrate for you the way I was breaking inside
If I pick my words carefully enough to make sure you understand that when you changed
I was taking every last part of me trying to find what part of me made you want to hurt me
I just want to take a minute of your time to explain a minute of mine
To let you know that I still blame myself for the way that you changed
For how you could never find your way back to who you once were
Someone so perfect and inspiring, and I was the one that destroyed you

I'm picking my words carefully so you'll know
You can hate me for the rest of your life and I wouldn't hate you for the rest of mine
That photograph from our past will still rest next to where I sleep at night
It's just my reminder that I'm the reason you never seem to smile anymore
It's needles in my eyes every time I see you in the state that I put you in
Sorry will never be enough, a thousand of my laments and penance will never heal your scars
If you can ever be who you were before I just don't know
I don't know

If somewhere in your breaking heart there's forgiveness for me
I hope one day it can be mine so I don't feel so hollow, so much like the life in me is growing dim like a dying flame
All these pages that once spoke of all the good things have become faded like a jaded sun
I want to tell you that it got to the point that I felt that by being around for you, was only making you suffer more
I had to place this distance between us for your own sake
Only for your own sake

Can't you see how my decisions have brought me to my knees?
I wanted a minute of your time to explain a minute in my life that's lasted for so very long
Once upon a time you would have listened to what I had to say
Once upon a time you weren't so far away
I guess your will wasn't strong enough to pull yourself back from wherever you've gone
I guess that I was too late after all...

| Iodine |

Dark passion
A lonely hell
This pressure swells
It's far too much
So the sky falls down
It falls down

It isn't like I never knew
I'd meet you again, somewhere and somehow
Aren't you surprised?
You never thought I'd come back this strong
I'm ready to put you in the place that you created for me
A place that was never meant for me

Dark passion
A lonely hell
This pressure swells
It's far too much
So the sky falls down
It falls down

So open up and swallow me
It's not like you've never done it before
Through this maze
Wrapped in these sheets
A most familiar place to plant your seeds of doubt
Deep in me

Dark passion
A lonely hell
This pressure swells
It's far too much
So the sky falls down
It falls down

I never wanted this GIFT!
I never wanted your SCAR!
I never wanted to...!
I never wanted to...!
I never wanted you!
This sickness swells within and I'm helpless!
I'm helpless to the things YOU'RE PUTTING ME THROUGH!!

...And I can't tear through the womb
I can't find a way to escape this hell
Before, I said I was stronger now, I was going to put you in that place meant for me
But I wasn't prepared for what you had in store for me

You opened up your mouth
You drew me in with empty promises laced in your deceit
And In that moment, I couldn't breathe
I couldn't breathe

Dark passion
A lonely hell
This pressure swells
It's far too much
So the sky falls down
It falls down

This iodine love, was a chemical death
My nerves fired in my brain, until they found rest
Then the black opened up to take me in...

------------------------------------------------------------------

This next one, called Sweet Little Jane. Was a song I wrote five years ago about a little girl I met while working at a Fred Meyer store. I was a checker, and she came through with her mother, little girl had a shaved head and looked like she'd been through a lot. She was brave. She told me that she had cancer, and that she wouldn't be here very much longer. It really broke my heart. She was only six.

| Sweet Little Jane |

Hello to the stars above
It's me again, an old man and his breaking heart
Do you hear me way up there?
I bring to you a wish, a request I hope may reach you

There's a little girl called Jane
She lives down on 3rd avenue
Frail and so small, sick and she'll be knockin' on heavens door soon
She's sweet, so optimistic for what it's worth
When she cries, she does it all alone because she doesn't want her parents to know
She's just so afraid, but she won't ever let it show

In case you didn't hear, in case you weren't listening
I bring to you tonight, a wish, a request I hope may reach you
Deliver her from her pain, she'll be someone great someday
I'd like to see her fly, I'd like to see her soar through the sky
I am sure, her family would too
Just like I do

So won't you let her see the days beyond the dimming lights?
Won't you let her stay home tonight, wake up in the morning and live a life she was meant to?
If it can't be so, if she should go
I hope she becomes a star shining brightly, somewhere in this starry sky
At least then, she'd be alright
Sweet little Jane...
Sweet little Jane...

======================================

This next one is maybe three or so years old. Wrote it one summer day when I was thinking about childhood.

| A Swing And An Old Oak Tree |

I remember coming here in my younger days
I'd play for hours, from sun up till sundown
There was little Tommy and spunky Zoe, we'd play out our imagination till nothing was left
Those days were bliss, those days were definitely best
I can't go back now, but the memories won't ever fade away

There was a swing and an old oak tree there where we'd play
I recall how the sun used to look when it pierced through the branches and leafs
Laying on our backs, it looked like a kaleidoscope turning it's colors to seasons as they came and went

We loved it there, here beneath this old oak tree and swing
It was everything in life that we looked forward to
Those times have changed, and changed as they have
Coming here will always stir up those fond memories
Memories of when life was simple and we thought we had it all

Isn't that what life should be?
Made up of all the good times there have been and will be
What I know for myself, deep inside
Through everything, the good times and the bad
That little kid in me will never die

09-12-2014, 12:57 AM	#10 (permalink)
CoNtrivedNiHilism Because I Am, I Can! Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 1,128	Switching gears, briefly Lately. To open up this thread to write up another review for another album that I held in high acclaim this year, has proven a bit difficult. It is not a matter of not knowing which album I will write about next. Rather it has to do with all of the things bouncing around in my mind. I'm not the only writer here. My situation is not unique. Everyone here experiences this. There's all these things you want to get out in the open, to express. But you're not sure where to start. My solution has always been to either grab a pin, and put it to paper and just let whatever thoughts I have, spill out. Or to open a Word document. Over thinking or over complicating what you want to say just hinders the creative process. I've succumbed to doing this plenty, no exclusion here. So I'm sitting here listening to old Our Lady Peace records, Naveed and Clumsy mostly...tracks from Gravity that still held that old Our Lady Peace charm from their latter days. They have always been a guilty pleasure of mine. I could listen to Raine Maida sing any day. Unique voice and a good song writer. What I'm stalling to express here, is that I found the catalyst I need to come to this journal of mine, and actually post something, by means of Our Lady Peace. The biggest thing we all have in common with each other on this forum, is our love, passion, appreciation, our pursuit of music to listen to that we connect with on a plethora of levels. We've all got or idols that we look up to, the songs that we confide in. The only thing I feel that is a more powerful force than music, is love. Those two things go hand in hand. I don't care if it is cliche. But music saved my life. I grew up in Newport, Oregon for nearly 12 years of my life, and so I consider it to be my hometown. However. A lot of the memories I have of Newport aren't pleasant. Most of the good memories or experiences I have of it, they're all tarnished by my father. He was a lost man, an angry man, and a drunk. I'm not the only kid at that time, or at all to ever experience the traumatizing result of abuse. Myself, my siblings and my mother all had our share of it from my father. 12 years of living in fear of one of the two people meant to love me, protect me, nurture me, coming home to beat me, or any of my siblings or mother, just because he wasn't happy with himself or his life. I almost died when I was six because my father was too clueless to know that when someones skin was turning pale or blue, you shouldn't just sit on your ass, get that kid to the damn hospital. My mother had told him to watch me while she was at work. Well. He failed. She came home to me barely even alive, suffocating on the fluid in my lungs from pneumonia... A constant throughout all of that living hell, was music. My father had a lot of music. No matter what kind it was. I'd put in on, and escape for a little while. I always think about what sort of person I'd be today if my mother hadn't left my father when she did. Would I even be alive right now? It's hard to say. But I have a feeling that my fate wouldn't have been nice, maybe drugs, maybe something else. But thank God for music. I think I started writing songs when I was around 8 or 9. I really don't remember what much of it was about, but I am certain I wrote about my father a lot, all the anger I had...or still have now. I had this idea in my head then, that I'd somehow find myself in a band with close friends, standing behind a microphone singing my heart out to unknown faces. I'm almost 28 now. If I haven't found myself in a band at this point. I'd like to think it has to do with being scared, or maybe I don't want so many people to know me on that personal of a level. That's all probably just an excuse not to do it. Some could question that I probably don't want it that bad if I haven't done it yet. I don't know. Music means a lot to me, a whole hell of a lot. If music never existed. This world would be a far worse place than it is now. Cheers to you all. Oh. I meant to post a song I wrote when I was 13 about my father to accompany this journal entry. I couldn't find where I placed it. I kept it in an old shoe box, I wrote it on my birthday and titled it 'Burn Softly' for some unknown reason. I speculate that the title could be a metaphor to express how the pain and anger I have to this day over my father, it has sort of been this emotion that has lingered for my entire life for him, of if I should forgive him for my own sake so that maybe that anger and pain I have might finally rest. I was 13. So the title could be something that doesn't even make sense. Who knows? I'll post it here if I find it. Ok! Found an old journal from middle school and high school. Has a lot of lyrics and poetry. At the risk of you all having a good laugh at my expense. I will share with you the angst that I had when I was younger. A lot of these are ten or more years old. Some look to be unfinished, too. Some are also a bit long or drawn out. There are also some newer entries from a few years ago, as much as three to four years ago. \| Act 1 \| I can't define this loveless love, I can't say what it means, and I still scream that it had to die Held in these trembling hands are the promises left forsaken, the smiles and the laughter, the bitter tears that point the blame I stand as a man that can't keep his voice from shaking from heartache, that can't shed the blame resting on his shoulders every day Even the best of fairy tales have their sleeping demons, waiting to choke even the deepest love, up in flames tearing through the sky And the future that I was holding on to with all my might, cut my hands and bloodied my face, as I hung my head in shame, face buried in my hands I can't look back through all these pages written with fables of a perfect world It just hurts too much, it just hurts too much The record keeps playing on repeat, over and over again in this empty chamber of my heart Its walls are covered by the cruel reality that I'm a monster that hurts everything I want to cherish Faded days blur together, and time creeps by leaving me behind I'm playing tug of war with the part of me that wants to pick myself up, brush off the dust, and start over again new But I'm afraid that the other part of me that just wants to dig up six feet of earth, bury the ghost of who I once was and leave without a fight, is winning the war I just want to save myself, but I just can't find the strength to try I just want to forgive myself, but it just doesn't feel right It doesn't feel right \| The Empty Blue \| You stare in to the empty blue Wonder what's next? Look through your telescope To see what God's planning If this all came down Would we be ready? If there was nowhere left to stand Would we be able to swim? We're not paranoid But we're hiding in holes We need space machines So we stay secure We can't handle the fear of the unknown That's why we're always looking up Still not sure what's coming So we're pulling solutions out of hats \| Lament And Penance \| I want to take a minute of your time to explain a minute of mine I want to take just one minute of your time to explain how I felt when you changed If I pick my words carefully to illustrate for you the way I was breaking inside If I pick my words carefully enough to make sure you understand that when you changed I was taking every last part of me trying to find what part of me made you want to hurt me I just want to take a minute of your time to explain a minute of mine To let you know that I still blame myself for the way that you changed For how you could never find your way back to who you once were Someone so perfect and inspiring, and I was the one that destroyed you I'm picking my words carefully so you'll know You can hate me for the rest of your life and I wouldn't hate you for the rest of mine That photograph from our past will still rest next to where I sleep at night It's just my reminder that I'm the reason you never seem to smile anymore It's needles in my eyes every time I see you in the state that I put you in Sorry will never be enough, a thousand of my laments and penance will never heal your scars If you can ever be who you were before I just don't know I don't know If somewhere in your breaking heart there's forgiveness for me I hope one day it can be mine so I don't feel so hollow, so much like the life in me is growing dim like a dying flame All these pages that once spoke of all the good things have become faded like a jaded sun I want to tell you that it got to the point that I felt that by being around for you, was only making you suffer more I had to place this distance between us for your own sake Only for your own sake Can't you see how my decisions have brought me to my knees? I wanted a minute of your time to explain a minute in my life that's lasted for so very long Once upon a time you would have listened to what I had to say Once upon a time you weren't so far away I guess your will wasn't strong enough to pull yourself back from wherever you've gone I guess that I was too late after all... \| Iodine \| Dark passion A lonely hell This pressure swells It's far too much So the sky falls down It falls down It isn't like I never knew I'd meet you again, somewhere and somehow Aren't you surprised? You never thought I'd come back this strong I'm ready to put you in the place that you created for me A place that was never meant for me Dark passion A lonely hell This pressure swells It's far too much So the sky falls down It falls down So open up and swallow me It's not like you've never done it before Through this maze Wrapped in these sheets A most familiar place to plant your seeds of doubt Deep in me Dark passion A lonely hell This pressure swells It's far too much So the sky falls down It falls down I never wanted this GIFT! I never wanted your SCAR! I never wanted to...! I never wanted to...! I never wanted you! This sickness swells within and I'm helpless! I'm helpless to the things YOU'RE PUTTING ME THROUGH!! ...And I can't tear through the womb I can't find a way to escape this hell Before, I said I was stronger now, I was going to put you in that place meant for me But I wasn't prepared for what you had in store for me You opened up your mouth You drew me in with empty promises laced in your deceit And In that moment, I couldn't breathe I couldn't breathe Dark passion A lonely hell This pressure swells It's far too much So the sky falls down It falls down This iodine love, was a chemical death My nerves fired in my brain, until they found rest Then the black opened up to take me in... ------------------------------------------------------------------ This next one, called Sweet Little Jane. Was a song I wrote five years ago about a little girl I met while working at a Fred Meyer store. I was a checker, and she came through with her mother, little girl had a shaved head and looked like she'd been through a lot. She was brave. She told me that she had cancer, and that she wouldn't be here very much longer. It really broke my heart. She was only six. \| Sweet Little Jane \| Hello to the stars above It's me again, an old man and his breaking heart Do you hear me way up there? I bring to you a wish, a request I hope may reach you There's a little girl called Jane She lives down on 3rd avenue Frail and so small, sick and she'll be knockin' on heavens door soon She's sweet, so optimistic for what it's worth When she cries, she does it all alone because she doesn't want her parents to know She's just so afraid, but she won't ever let it show In case you didn't hear, in case you weren't listening I bring to you tonight, a wish, a request I hope may reach you Deliver her from her pain, she'll be someone great someday I'd like to see her fly, I'd like to see her soar through the sky I am sure, her family would too Just like I do So won't you let her see the days beyond the dimming lights? Won't you let her stay home tonight, wake up in the morning and live a life she was meant to? If it can't be so, if she should go I hope she becomes a star shining brightly, somewhere in this starry sky At least then, she'd be alright Sweet little Jane... Sweet little Jane... ====================================== This next one is maybe three or so years old. Wrote it one summer day when I was thinking about childhood. \| A Swing And An Old Oak Tree \| I remember coming here in my younger days I'd play for hours, from sun up till sundown There was little Tommy and spunky Zoe, we'd play out our imagination till nothing was left Those days were bliss, those days were definitely best I can't go back now, but the memories won't ever fade away There was a swing and an old oak tree there where we'd play I recall how the sun used to look when it pierced through the branches and leafs Laying on our backs, it looked like a kaleidoscope turning it's colors to seasons as they came and went We loved it there, here beneath this old oak tree and swing It was everything in life that we looked forward to Those times have changed, and changed as they have Coming here will always stir up those fond memories Memories of when life was simple and we thought we had it all Isn't that what life should be? Made up of all the good times there have been and will be What I know for myself, deep inside Through everything, the good times and the bad That little kid in me will never die Last edited by CoNtrivedNiHilism; 09-12-2014 at 05:56 AM.