The Batlord

Honestly, I could have switched this entry with Injustice. This series is better written, but Injustice is just so massive and the world so fully-realized. Eventually I just had to say "**** it" and not worry about banging my head against the wall trying to rank them.

I already did an in-depth review of the first series, so I'm just going to post a link to that out of laziness and a lack of desire to be redundant. Unfortunately I'm only about halfway through the second series, so I'll refrain from reviewing that... also partially out of laziness. There's also a third Ultimates series, but I've heard nothing but terrible things about it.


Link to The Ultimates 1 review.

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The Batlord

I feel like a terrible person for putting this series at #8. This is one of my most eagerly awaited titles every month, and I've been in love with it since issue #1 -- not to mention I've been a Harley fan since I was knee-high to a midget guy. But, here it is... far lower than I would've thought it would be... ah well. I guess that's just a testament to how ****ing awesome comic books are. Hell, this series beat out Batman: Court of Owls, Thor: God of Thunder, and Punisher MAX, so that's some heavy ****. I still feel bad, though.

I covered this series way back on page 1 of this journal, but it's been so long that I'm more than happy to ramble on some more about one of the greatest comic book characters of all time.

This series is just bizarre. Basically, Harley inherits an apartment building populated by a literal freak show, and must maintain it by getting a job -- both as a psychiatrist at an old folks home and as a member of a roller derby team. Her adventures include, but are not limited to: uncovering an elderly team of former Soviet spies with a cybernetic geriatric for an ally, going into space, making out with both Batman AND Bruce Wayne separately (surprisingly/unsurprisingly, he didn't seem to object), becoming besties with Power Girl, saving a small child's Christmas, fighting a Popeye knock-off, making a love connection with a homicidal stalker, and using a catapult to indiscriminately fling dog feces all across New York City. And no, none of it makes any more sense than it did in that paragraph.

Harley's transition into DC's grim 'n' gritty New 52 reboot has been dubious, but in this series she is as adorable and lovable as she ever was in Batman: The Animated Series, with the added bonus of being a charmingly homicidal psychopath. (This is one of the most legitimately violent titles in DC at the moment.) It's simply impossible not to have fun reading every single page of this journey into the heart of idiosyncratic weirdness, and anyone who can is a joyless bastard.

Quite simply, Harley Quinn is everything that is great about Harley. Read it. Now. **** off. Seriously. If you haven't already read every issue of this comic book then you are not fit to read this journal anyway.

Please don't get mad at me for putting this at #8, Harley. You know I love you.


Link to the first Harley Quinn entry.


P.S. And the best thing is that there is now a Harley Quinn and Power Girl mini-series, and the same team behind Harley Quinn just started writing a Starfire solo series that promises to be almost as fantastic as this book.

*jacks off*

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The Batlord

Just FYI, haven't flaked. Gonna do an addendum to #8, and I've had to finish some stuff I've been meaning to get to for a while.

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The Batlord

Dude, seriously, Eric Lehnsherr is quite possibly the only comic book villain whose philosophy is superior to his enemies. We all like to believe in the vision of Charles Xavier -- his principles speak to a sense of optimism we would like to nurture and aspire to toward humankind and its potential, and we just plain think it would be cool to live in a world with something as cool as mutants, but without the more uncomfortable "realities" of the X-Men universe -- but human history belies the likelihood of such a utopian future.

Magneto's past as a Holocaust survivor is a lesson that we don't even need as an example of man's capability to give in to prejudice and irrational fear of "the other". History is too full of similar examples to ignore (pogroms, the Red Scare, slavery/Jim Crow/segregation, etc, etc, et-****ing-c). Sure, the Holocaust and assination of Martin Luther King Jr. were effective wake up calls to the evils of prejudice, and Joseph McCarthy's reign of terror came to an end when he went "too far" by targeting the army, but racial tensions and genocides in America and all over the world still exist, as does the fear of socialism, and Jews are far from accepted in many places on Earth.

The end of slavery is a poor example as well of our ability to evolve our social narrative. Even aside from the practical rather than moral motivations of the North to abolish that "peculiar institution" in the South. The practice was only eradicated during the rise of the Industrial Revolution, when slavery was becoming economically obsolete (practicality > morality). One related historical truth that is also glossed over is that when the Spanish began enslaving Native Americans and Africans was that there were intense moral debates over it, which were ultimately decided by practical reasons due to Spain's "need" to compete economically with Britain, Holland, and France. This suggests that human morality is not simply evolving bit by bit, but is perfectly capable in any era of being subverted according to the perceived dictates of pragmatism, only reverting to something resembling "goodness" when events no longer require rationalizations.

But Jews and blacks are potentially a "threat" to white, Christian interests at a far less fundamental level than mutants. How many of you could honestly claim to maintain your beliefs in understanding and inclusiveness when confronted with beings capable of firing lasers from their eyes, stopping time, and even invading your very mind? Such people would be a threat to the safety of both individuals and countries that no real-world race ever could. What's to stop a man who can teleport from infiltrating at will the White House, the Pentagon, the Kremlin, the Headquarters of the UN, or any other parliament or government building in the world? How can you counter a woman capable of controlling the weather from bringing down the wrath of a hurricane, a blizzard, or a flood upon any city on Earth?

Absolutely nothing. Nothing but genocide or the permanent eradication of the mutant gene.

And really, in the face of such threats, would it not in fact be in homo sapiens' best interest to wipe homo superior from the world, or at least to control them genetically and/or legislatively? Would not letting them go unchecked be negligent? No matter how unpalatable such policies and actions would be, might our very survival demand these moral sacrifices? After all, could you continue to support mutant rights after a nuclear strike perpetrated by the Master of Magnetism?

Even if the human race decided for integration rather than conflict, the interbreeding of human and mutant would lead to an ever greater ratio of powered to unpowered individuals, and human history again teaches us that the the powerful will always dominate the powerless. In the interim, racial tensions would still exist, exacerbating resentments between "us" and "them", and embittering mutants against their human counterparts. The growing homo superior population would infiltrate government and the military, making resistance against the eventual mutant revolution impossible as our society would no longer be capable of a unified response. We would become second-class citizens in a de facto mutant tyranny, destined to the same repression we might have inflicted on them in the past, but without the military and technological superiority to counteract their powers (anti-human Sentinels, anyone?).

Magneto is undoubtedly aware of all of this, and therefore has come to the only logical conclusion: get them before they get us. Comic book moral logic may artificially marginalize his beliefs, but in the real world his is the only pragmatic solution.

We may criticize the actions of the PLO, and rightfully so concerning the targeting of civilian targets by individual terrorists, but the practical considerations of the conflict between their greater movement and Israel and the West necessitate unconventional tactics. They cannot meet the superior Israeli military in a pitched battle, so when conventional victory is impossible what else can they do but resort to morally dubious military operations designed to sap their enemies' will to fight?

This is exponentially more true for Magneto and his people. You simply can't segregate mutantkind considering their abilities, and even more importantly that they can be born to any normal humans (regardless of race, creed, or nationality) so any actions by human governments must be proportionally more extreme. It's easy to condemn Magneto's actions as terrorist war crimes, but what is the alternative? Given the stakes, defeat is almost certainly tantamount to extinction, making victory the only option, no matter the cost.

If the only two choices are the death of either human- or mutantkind, what as a mutant would you choose?

Ultimately, the conflict between Xavier and Magneto is one of self-indulgent utopianism vs. realistic practicality, and in a world of realistic practicality, the conclusion is obvious: Magneto was right.


For further reading I would recommend the following sites and comic books (but I'm sure this list is in no way exhaustive given the fifty-year history of the X-Men).

Magneto Was Right - Magneto Was Right: a Magneto fan-site which provides intellectually in-depth articles on Magneto's beliefs and character which are far more exhaustive, insightful, and well-researched than this post. Highly recommended for comic book fans and students of philosophy and psychology alike.

Magneto: Testament: A comic book mini-series recounting Magneto's history from child- to adulthood under the Nazis and the Holocaust. Possibly the most important and terribly horrific account of the prejudice that mutants would later endure. One particular scene in issue #1 is the entire story of the X-Men distilled in no more than a few pages. Don't read if you like people and wish to continue to do so.

Uncanny X-Men #150 - I, Magneto: The moment when Magneto went from "a poor man's Dr. Doom", spouting cheesy speeches of world domination, to complex, mutants' rights crusader. If you want to know where his modern incarnation and world view were first articulated, then this is the issue you need to read.

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The Batlord

Reposted from my other journal.

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Black Francis

Awhile ago i saw one of the X-men movies with my family. the one where Jean grey turns into the Dark phoenix. (it was a rerun) and my cousin said. "Why is Magneto such a bad guy?" and i told her he wasn't a bad guy, he's just looking out for his ppl. i told her that if i was a mutant i would side with him. Profesor X is a great leader but he's an a idealistic leader but Magneto is a realistic leader. all the sh*t you said is true, Mutants and humans simply cannot co exist without the mutants being a notch above in the hierarchy of power and humans would never allow that.

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"Hey Kids you got to meet the MIGHTY PIXIES!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JbRbCtIgW3A

The Batlord

Okay, so this was inspired by an issue of New X-Men by one of the grand ****ing masters of comic books, Grant god damn Morrison. Don't know him? Kill yourself. Or just read Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth for one of the most "bat****" crazy comic stories of all-time. Anyway, I tried finding the specific Xavier speech that I wanted to post a picture of, but couldn't, so you'll just have to hope I can remain coherent as I write this/drink beer.

My previous post, Magneto Was Right, thoroughly put me in the Magneto camp, and in a realistic world with realistic human nature I stand by that 100%. Two different races with one having such genetic advantages, and the other having the benefit of power and numbers, would never in a million years end in anything but genocide by one or both factions. Magneto is right, make no mistake.

But a speech by Xavier in New X-Men has given me pause so far as the Marvel universe and it's comic book morals are concerned. Magneto's interpretation of human nature is based entirely on observation and skewed, if realistically accurate, logic. But Professor X, at the age of eleven or twelve was subjected to his mutant awakening as the world's greatest telepath. I've never really "grokked" the magnitude of what this must have entailed and I suspect the vast majority of people haven't either.

At an extremely impressionable age Charles Xavier discovered his powers, but had no control over them. The entirety of humankind and their thoughts, emotions, desires, hatreds, loves, fears, hopes, etc were revealed to him in all of their horror and glory as he unwillingly plunged into the depths of their psyches. Personally, the idea seems destined to leave any person a gibbering wreck, unable to deal with the extreme nature of such an experience. But not Charles Xavier.

Charles Xavier is a man of strength and conviction the like of which is usually seen but once in a generation. And what conclusion did he come to about the nature of man during this traumatic experience of being able to understand all of the human race to their very core, past all of their lies and rationalizations, past their delusions and knee jerk reactions? What conclusion did a child come to? That man, while fearful of the unknown, was at heart good.

How powerful is that? Who among us would be willing to bare the core of our soul to another in a way that even we cannot with ourselves? Who among us would be confident enough in our own virtue to take that chance? Yet Charles Xavier saw us for what we are and decided to love us. Perhaps even unconditionally.

While I might not believe in such utopian ideas about the nature of man in the real world, in the comic book world this beautifully silly notion can ring true. And apparently it's quite possibly the truth. No matter how dubious I might be about the real world applications of this outlook, people like Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. changed the world with the same ideas, so maybe I'm just a cynical *******. Either way, no matter how much of a hateful bastard I might be, Professor X represents the side of humanity which I would strive to be like if I wasn't the aforementioned hateful bastard, and there is a tangible power in that.

So I raise a toast (with my Steel Reserve) to Professor Charles Xavier, a better man than you or I, in the hope that he's right, not just in his own world, but ours as well.

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The Batlord

I am starting this review before I have even read this comic. Why? Isn't that unfair? No. It is not. I know Rob Liefeld, the creator of this... thing. I have read his run on X-Force and it is an abomination of art and writing that ****s on the entire medium of comic books and I hope he feels bad.

But just look at this cover. Woof doesn't not even begin... I can't even. That black guy in the center I know is named Chapel, and while I don't know all that much about him I'm almost certain that he does not fly. Wouldn't know it from that pic though.

What's with the guy on the left? Did a witch doctor shrink his head? It's just kind of sitting in the middle of his general shoulder area and if you spun his head around 180° he wouldn't be able to see his own ass. Wikipedia tells me that the medical term for being a hunchback is "kyphosis" and I think that dude qualifies. I'm calling him Kyphoid from now on. It's probably waaaay better than whatever ****ty name Rob gave him.

I could go on, but I should probably read this thing before ripping on it anymore.

According to the introductory page the team's names are Brahma (Kyphoid), Riptide, Photon, Psi-Fire, Sentinel (I thought that was Chapel... huh), and Cougar. So we are officially shit deep in the 90s.


Oh my god this is going to go on forever. One page in and we have some Middle Eastern dictator called "Hassan Kussein" who could not possibly be mistaken for anyone other than Saddam. The pic of him looks a bit younger, but that mustache is pure Butcherer of Baghdad. Stupid, yes, but combined with the broken bits of broadcasts from various news outlets straight from a generic action movie about terrorists and/or communist meanies, this first page is just... I just... **** it. I'd be done if I wasn't intent on getting to at least page two.


Holy ****. Pages two and three. A splash page is when they take up a page or two whole pages with a single image to highlight something that's supposed to be dramatic or whatever. Splash pages can be used effectively if done right, but when used by Rob Liefeld they are reduced to making **** look cool, but in such a way that nobody above Irish drinking age could do anything but cringe.

This is a trope that is sadly still prevalent in comics today. A bunch of people jump out of some aircraft with no parachutes or ziplines (as people do) with arms held behind them in readiness for an impending act of badassness that will never be shown, mouths agape in bloodlust cause people do that. Look at that. LOOK AT IT! How in god's name will any of these people not break every bone in their body upon landing? And how will I continue reading this comic without mocking every single page in sheer exasperation and incredulousness?






My favorite bit is that the previous page was supposed to be ramping up tension with all of the myriad news broadcast snippets showing an impending and uninteresting war, while this splash page tries to be clever by switching to what is presumably the POV of one of the participants in the jump-to-death with dialogue that dashes tension's brains against a brick wall of uninteresting. This page is in no way shocking to me given my previous experience with X-Force, but it still bears mentioning.

And what the **** is that dude with the helmet on the right? Is he even in the shot or is he somewhere else and confusingly interposed on the page? Are his shoulder pads connected to his... lower shoulder pads? Why does he have a bucket with triangles on his head? Is that even a gun?

But I digress. Sentinel does have an impressive buttocks though. Alright, I'm done.


Oh wait, that guy was in the shot. His name is "Combat". Nice? Why wasn't he listed with the rest of the team? Oh, he's probably going to die. Or quit. Subtle. I'd say his ****ty name would be a dead giveaway that he's not destined for issue #2 but that would be giving credit to the rest of the team's names, and I would never do that.

OMG art so bad. If I were to post every abortion in this issue than I'd have to make at least four posts to cover this since I'm limited to ten pics per entry. There's a panel where the perspective is so horrendous that Combat looks at least three times the size of Cougar (who is so blatant a ripoff of Sabretooth from X-Men that I'm surprised Marvel didn't sue) and the only reason I know this isn't so is because... well it can't be so. I guess they might have a giant on the team though, and it shouldn't surprise me that if that is the case that Rob Liefeld wouldn't have made it in any way clear until a panel that looked like perspective had put a gun in its mouth. At this point there is absolutely no way to ascertain Combat's size.

Apparently "War is just a game" to Combat. Cause 90's.


And it gets "Coug" "pumped". Nice.


Combat still may or may not be a giant without a face, apparently Sentinel really can fly, and this is the most boring action scene since the last issue Rob Liefeld drew of X-Force.


Brahma's shoulders are officially taller than his head, none of the defending soldiers have guns for no apparent reason, and I just realized I have no idea what Youngblood (that's the team's name) are actually doing, but I've read enough Liefeld to know that attacking random bases for reasons vaguely stated in the first page to think to much about that.


Brahma and Riptide (the designated chick) also have nice asses, Sentinel's prominent crotch is way too crosshatched for my liking, and those are some tiny tanks.


If they're in a desert then why is the crosshatched background green?

Oh hey, giant robots. Just like the real Gulf War.


On the plus side the giant robots have made me suspect that combat is not in fact the size of a bus, but I have no idea why there are two curtains hanging in midair in the middle of the desert. I think it's the desert. But those are ****ing curtains hanging in midair when there have been absolutely no curtains anywhere else in the book.






I'm serious. Nobody in this comic has a cape. Nobody. There is absolutely no reason for those curtains.


**** me. I don't know whether I want to mock Combat's assertion that "I'm built for this! I'm built for combat!" or the fact that he now appears to be the same size as the giant robots. What the **** is perspective in this comic?!

But seriously, a character named "Combat" just said he was "built for combat". What the **** is that ****ing ****?


LOL. Combat is now my favorite character in this series. "I want the satisfaction of kill-" and then he interrupts himself. And both he and Cougar have pointy ears like Vulcans. Cougar I get, cause I guess he's a cat dude cause his name's Cougar, but why does Combat have pointy ears? It takes away from the majesty of Cougar's pointy ears.

And this comic is now almost half over and aside from the first page with all the news reports about not-Saddam Hussein there is absolutely no context or story to this comic. I know that Youngblood is attacking some enemy of America (there's a single panel in the beginning that implies that the team is an arm of the US military) but not yet have I been given a reason to care. This is just one, long, unbroken action scene that gives absolutely no scale as to the size of the engagement.

Just realized this issue isn't even half over. FML.


One thing I'd like to point out is that Rob Liefeld doesn't draw eyes. He's famous for being iffy on feet, but the man does not do eyes. Occasionally he'll show the whites of someone's eyes, but almost never their pupils. There are two extreme closeups of two guys' faces and only one has even a hint of pupils.

And Psi-Fire apparently appreciates a good dictatorship, but not as much as moolah. Cause anti-hero. I'm not even really leaving any plot out cause so far what I've described is the entirety of the plot. Big Middle Eastern meanie meets American superhuman dudes (and dudette) and unintentional hilarity ensues.


I have no idea what Psi-Fire's powers are, but they should come with a seizure warning.




I guess his powers include producing spaghetti sauce from your eyeballs or some **** with his glowy, green eyes, but whatever the case Rob's attempt to make Psi-Fire look like a psychopath who enjoys killing people is just goofy. And we also see Rob's propensity for adding way too many same-sized teeth to somebody screaming. Another of his trademarks.

For some reason screaming face also tends to be unconscious face, which is one of two of Rob's stock faces, and has the same amount of teeth sans comically gaping maw.


Oh look, Combat and Cougar, previously shown to be battle fiends, are grossed out by Psi-Fire's spaghetti powers. That's how you know Psi-Fire is not to be trifled with.


And now the rest of the team weighs in on Psi-Fire turning not-Saddam Hussein's brains into marinara sauce and we see that though they are grossed out it's all routine and Rob Liefeld's version of quips are exchanged, so that you know it's all good. I only know that these are quips because I have read other Rob Liefeld comics. If you didn't pick up on them then don't feel ashamed; that's for Rob Liefeld alone.

The real ****show is that Psi-Fire previously stated (in the curtains panel) that he could have done this "from the states". So unless the US government is unaware of his range then they knowingly spent the money on a pointless strike force to dispatch a threat that could have been dealt with without any of this. The first half of this issue is therefore entirely pointless. WTF?

Such was Liefeld and Image Comics in the 90's.


"US Today" article about Hussein's apparent suicide. I guess Youngblood is public but their activities are classified? Makes sense. And apparently there's some guy called "Battlestone" at large. Should make for good comics.


And now we're apparently in a shopping mall with two people whose hair is so feathered I'm surprised they don't also fly. Rob Liefeld doesn't know how to draw hair either. Holy ****, the chick has eyes! They look like unintentional robot eyes, but she ****ing has pupils. Progress. Unfortunately I also forgot that his wimin only ever have blowup doll lips. Good god. The guy's eyes are black blobs however, even though we have the same closeup of him. Like, why? Are eyes really that hard?

They're boyfriend and girlfriend too btw.


First thing's first. Guy decides to chase some guy who is presumably a thief and we have a shot of him vaulting over something or other, which gives us yet another of Rob Liefeld's calling cards: asterisk crotch.






Secondly, just from the brilliant internal dialogue I'm going to assume that this dude is participating in a staged event to make him look like a hero. I know from previous research into this series that these heroes are also marketable celebrities, so I'm guessing that this is all a publicity stunt. I could be wrong but I'm calling it.


Nope. Wrong. Just some asshat on a balcony trying to trick "Shaft" into... letting his guard down by putting him on guard so he could kill him? Or something? Either way Shaft threw a pen at him. Got him good too. I'm not sure if he's a ripoff of Hawkeye or Green Arrow (he's apparently an archer) or Bullseye (who can use any object as a projectile weapon cause comics), but I'm assuming it's all of the above.


Damn. Pens are lethal weapons in the hands of a trained archer. The press is eating this **** up. I guess throwing a pen at a guy and killing him in a mall is actually pretty newsworthy though.

"No I.D. No pulse. No answers." is a pretty amazing line, btw. I'm surprised David Caruso didn't put his sunglasses on.


"eepBeep" calls Shaft to HQ while we see some grey dude who I know to be "Badrock" eating something prepared by his lily white "mom". Even his eyebrows are a ripoff of the Thing. If he doesn't mention Yancy St. or say "It's clobberin' time" I'll be flummoxed.

As much as I know I'm still confused but vaguely interested how the grey Thing has a cracker for a mom.


Apparently Hannah Barbara has not yet sued Image as his name is still "Bedrock", there's some generic superhero with a full-body leotard, and we finally see Chapel, who looks exactly like Sentinel, making me think that Wesley Snipes is the only black person that Rob Liefeld has ever seen.

I'd make more fun of the scene with Chapel but somebody else has already done it way better than I ever could, so read that. It's the very first entry and it's the best article on Rob Liefeld ever created and I'm merely a tryhard trying to mimic it.

The 40 Worst Rob Liefeld Drawings, Part 2 Of 4

I suppose it's worth mentioning that Shaft, Bedrock, and nameless leotard dude were not mentioned in the opening Youngblood member rollcall. Not cool.


Uninteresting page introducing an unnamed chick member of Youngblood fighting some other chick who looks exactly like her and I suspect that's more out of artistic laziness than any foreshadowing about an evil twin enemy.

There are still way too many pages of this crap.


Group shot of new members who are apparently also a Youngblood team. Don't know if they're a separate team or if all of these yahoos are just the guys who got stuck at home while the other dudes were killing not-Sadam. There's some sort of ruckus but who cares.

Oh hey, Shaft has blues eyes.


Boring page of what I assume to be boring supervillains robbing something or other. I ain't even got **** to say other than that there's a random foot that isn't even worth posting a pic of to mock. Just know there's an incongruous foot.

I guess the other Youngblood team is gonna fight these dudes in the next few pages. Apparently their names are Cage, Strongarm, Deadlock, and Starbright. I know this was the 90's, but is "Starbright" really necessary?


What the **** even is this shot? Like, the baddies are rescuing a Wolverine wannabe with a ten-foot-long topknot, but then that leotard dude who's name I don't know/don't remember does this...







It's pretty much the perfect Rob Liefeld action shot. Notice the obnoxious movement lines on leotard dude, how his legs are clearly in an anatomically impossible position, and the dude getting hit's mouth is gaping open ridiculously. That's Rob Liefeld. Assuming he has a wife she married this picture.


Same ****. Who cares.


Oh... that's it. Issue ends on leotard dude pummeling that dude. So, Youngblood kills Saddam Hussein and then some other Youngblood dudes try to foil an escape attempt by some supervillains. That's it. No character drama whatsoever. Even the action scenes are boring. Like, as in totally uninteresting and I'm not being mean, they just suck, every last panel is lame.

If I continue this there is no way I am putting this much time and effort into this ****. This sucked. Hard. And I still don't know why two characters have pointy ears.

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Trollheart

What's with the girl surfing at the top of the page on the cover? And what is she surfing on? Did someone get very excited about this being the "first explosive issue"? Note the use of the adjective there, kids!

Great to see you back journal-ling, Bat! (And before you say it, I know "journal" is not a verb, but it is now...)

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

The Batlord

That's Riptide and she shoots water at you while posing her crotch, boobs, or ass.

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