Trollheart

I was never the biggest fan of Cheers, but when it eventually ended and the word went out that there was to be a spinoff series, like most people I expected it to be about Sam and/or Diane, maybe Norm. Hell, even Cliff could pull that off! But when I heard it was to be the quiet, occasional character of psychiatrist and sometime husband of Diane, Frasier Crane, who was to get his own series, well, I scoffed. I did. I scoffed and then I scoffed some more. Nothing quite as ludicrous perhaps as Cleveland getting his own show decades later, but it was to me a strange decision.

Shows what I know! After thirty-seven Emmy Awards during its eleven year run, Frasier has become one of the "50 greatest TV shows ever" as listed by TV Guide, and is on record as being the most successful spin-off comedy ever in the history of television. Already a minor star, the show made a household name and superstar out of its title actor, Kelsey Grammer, and his supporting cast in the show, most notably his father, played by John Mahoney and his brother, played by David Hyde Pierce. Frasier would later semi-reprise his role on "The Simpsons" as evil criminal mastermind Sideshow Bob, with his fellow actor appearing in two episodes as ... his brother.

Many people don't "get" Frasier, and while I can understand this from one point of view, it makes no sense from another. Certainly a more highbrow comedy show, Frasier eschews, in general, the pratfalls, bad language, sex and zany situations that characterise many other comedies, though at times it does descend into basic French farce. Frasier was always more concerned with the relationship between its characters --- that of Frasier with his father, Niles, his brother, with their live-in nurse Daphne, and, er, Martin's relationship with Eddie, his dog. It was in many ways a gentle comedy: nothing too abrasive or acerbic about it, but not on the lines of shows like "Last of the summer wine" or "Open all hours". Frasier tackled a lot of society's problems: he was, after all, a psychiatrist and also a radio show host, and many of these ended up hitting close to home for the characters, as they realised that their own problems mirrored those of the ones they were trying to give advice to.

A lynchpin of the earlier seasons is Niles' pursuit of Daphne, a courtship that began awkwardly and continued for several seasons, until he finally managed to marry her. But unlike many shows where when the will-they-won't-they is resolved things go downhill, Frasier the show never really lost that spark and right up to the end there was a chemistry between the characters. Truth to tell, and not unpredictably, Niles was to find that marriage to his "goddess", once the only thing occupying his waking, or sleeping, mind, was in reality not always as heavenly as he would have expected it to be.

So, then, the characters, which really didn't change much if at all from season to season:


Frasier Crane, played by Kelsey Grammer.
A psychiatrist coming off the back of a bad marriage, Frasier leaves Boston (where Cheers was set) and comes to Seattle, where he decides that instead of setting up private practice he will do what he can to help people by hosting a radio talk show in which the callers can phone in and he will give them advice and try to help them. Of course, it doesn't always work out how he had intended.



Martin Crane, played by John Mahoney.
When Frasier moves to Seattle his father is living alone, having been shot in the leg and had to retire from the police force, but his other son Niles is concerned that he cannot look after himself, so after some to-ing and fro-ing Martin comes to live with Frasier. The first season is replete with their attempts to make the best of a bad thing and try to live with each other in as much harmony as possible, which in the early stages is, well, not much.


Niles Crane, played by David Hyde Pierce
Niles is Frasier's younger brother, and fastidious to a fault, almost neurotic in fact. He will automatically brush a chair before he sits in it, if it's in a public place, has very strict guidelines about what he can eat (he's allergic to much) and a habit of falling for domineering women, most of whom end up trying to ruin him. His life gets even more complicated the day he comes over to see the woman his brother has hired to look after their father, live-in British nurse Daphne, and falls immediately in love with her.



Daphne Moon, played by Jane Leeves
Originally from Manchester, Daphne brings the "zany humour of the British" --- huh? Shows how much the writers knew about the Brits! --- to the show, when she is hired to look after Martin, and almost instantly becomes the love interest and romantic goal of Frasier's brother, Niles. Daphne of course, as you might expect with two men in the apartment --- neither of which get totally on with the other --- becomes a sort of mother figure, knocking heads together when they need to be knocked, and consoling and sympathising when that is what is required.


Roz Doyle, played by Peri Gilpin.
Almost diametrically opposed in temperament to Daphne, Roz is an outgoing, carefree manhunter who is employed by the station as Frasier's producer on his show, but the two soon become fast friends. However, the worlds they live in are so far apart that the one becomes a great foil for the other, Roz usually serving to show Frasier how pompous he appears to outsiders. She forms a loose alliance with Martin, as Frasier's father is nothing like him and he takes to her immediately. While Frasier drinks only the finest sherries, Martin prefers a beer, and when his two sons order fancy coffees like lattes and capunccinos with silly names in their favourite coffee house, Martin is fond of reminding people "I'm a regular Joe and I like my Joe regular!"

There are other characters who are introduced later, some of whom remain through seasons, some of whom don't. As with my other writeups I will introduce these as they come into the storylines.

Although Frasier is, or can be seen as, a highbrow comedy for the intelligentsia, it is not above poking fun at such elitist ideals. Frasier's innate pomposity and arrogance are more often than not punctured by a wry remark from Daphne or a sharp look from Roz, or indeed something Martin comments upon when he remembers what they were like as children. Even Eddie, the dog who initially starts off as, and mostly remains, the bane of Frasier's life and a constant stain on his expensive carpets and furnishings, can bring the snobby shrink down to earth.

Whenever in the company of anyone of "quality" or learning, Frasier will always make sure to shoehorn in a reference to his education at Harvard, and despite being very well off indeed, he will not baulk at haggling over the price of things, often to a quite ridiculous level. He could talk about himself for hours, and often his perceived superiority will land him in trouble with, you guessed it, hilarious results.

Frasier ran for eleven years and eleven seasons, from 1993 to 2004, and when the final episode was screened Kelsey Grammer reached the momentous milestone of becoming the longest-running character on primetime TV, and was also at one point the highest paid actor on American television. Not bad for a bit-part actor in a comedy show!

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Janszoon

I go back and forth on my opinion of Frasier. It can funny at times but it's also a show I'll put on if I'm dozing off because every episode is essentially the same so it doesn't really matter if I miss anything. My dad used to direct a lot of British farces for a dinner theater when I was a pre-teen and teenager and Frasier has always reminded me of them—plots almost always centered on misunderstandings and someone hiding something, lots of people going in and out of doors, lots of humorous near-misses, lots of repeated beats, lots of manners derived jokes. I can never decide if I like it because of that or if I find it dull and derivative because of a that. It's probably a little of both.

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A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man

Time & Place

25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die

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Antonio

I for one LOVE the show Frasier. Along with that I agree with just about everything you said. The comedy hits me unlike many other shows and just the character dynamics are what really make me enjoy it so much more. Now I haven't seen too much of the series, mostly only in passing, but what I did see I always enjoyed immensly, so I'll probably try to track it down and watch it from beginning to end.

But yeah, thanks for taking the time to write about this!

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Trollheart

Season One, Episode Four (Finale)

Rosie has been released from hospital, but has of course lost her baby. She's leaving Ireland, going to Britain to get away from everything, and Darren offers to go with her, but he's a reminder of her past life and she wants to leave all that behind. She's of course devastated by the loss of her unborn child, and is a shell of the woman Darren knew only a few days before. She leaves Darren in no doubt though that she wants Stumpy to pay for what he has done. "I want him to feel pain" she tells him.

He does. Darren finds him and beats the crap out of him. When he gets back to Mary's though she's furious at him for keeping a gun in her house, where her kids could find it. She's also terrified that she could in fact lose her children if it was seen that she had allowed firearms to be kept on the premises. She tells Darren he has to leave. Nidge has to face the prospect of choosing between having Darren --- who is out of favour with the gang now for his attack on Stumpy --- or John Boy and the others at the wedding. It's no choice really: Darren is Mary's brother and she's one of the bridesmaids, so there's no way he can prevent him from coming. John Boy makes it clear that he's unhappy about it, while at the same time pretending he doesn't care, making Nidge feel that he has just insulted the gang leader, chosen Darren over him.

Nidge of course is quick to capitalise on the situation, telling Trish that he laid down the law, which really impresses her as she never thought he would stand up to the likes of John Boy and Huey. Which, of course, he didn't and wouldn't. John Boy meanwhile pays Elmo to kill Darren, but he makes a mess of it and gets shot himself. Darren now knows the gangland boss is after him. John Boy and Huey get high and as they do become more and more agitated about being excluded from the wedding. John Boy tells Huey that everything Nidge has, including Trish, he has because John Boy gave it to him. He made him, and the "Nidge Weasel" has the effrontery to ban them from the wedding! Well **** that: they're going!

Their arrival at the wedding is not welcome, which is what the two brothers had expected and the impression that they had intended, but Nidge does the only thing he can, puts a brave face on it. Talking to him, John Boy tells him it's time to choose his side. Not only did Darren go after Stumpy, but he also put Elmo in the hospital and he wants Huey dead. When Darren sees the two of them he has to restrain himself, but it's obvious something is going to happen. Trish of course is terrified trouble is going to break out, but John Boy smirks and tells her not to worry, that he wouldn't ruin her big day. She doesn't look entirely convinced.

As the night winds down and John Boy and Huey take their leave, the psycho has a few parting words, letting Mary know that while she was waiting for Tommie to bring her cigarettes he was screwing a younger girl upstairs, and Trish that her new husband was partaking of the local whores in Prague on his stag night. Trish flies into a rage, telling Nidge not to come near her and claiming her wedding has been ruined. John Boy talks to Darren, warns him he needs to get out of Ireland before he pays for a hundred hits on him, one of which will get him.

As Huey is leaving a massage parlour the next day a car comes racing at him and he legs it, thinking it's Darren come to get him, but it turns out it's just some little punk joyrider. He finally gets his comeuppance though when, messing with his gun pointing it at Elmo, having taken out all the bullets he has forgotten about the one in the chamber. Sticking the gun to his head and laughing, thinking he'll scare Elmo and his driver, he pulls the trigger and the world has one less evil psycho in it. Huey has swung his last cueball-filled sock.

Darren feels a little cheated, but is no doubt glad Huey is dead. Nidge hopes he will now bury the hatchet with John Boy, and the gang can go back to business. For the sake of Mary and the kids, Darren agrees and goes to meet John Boy at the wake. He tells him he's going to London, but receives John Boy's assurance word that Mary and her children will be okay. They part with a handshake, but as Darren walks away a car comes up the road, a shot is fired and he falls to the ground. As the car passes his prone body we see Stumpy looking out of the window. Perhaps John Boy is not as forgiving as it seemed he was. Or perhaps this is all his own doing.

QUOTES

Nidge (giving the cops at the wedding the finger): "Lazy bastards! Should be out arrestin' those wankers in the banks instead of harrassin' ordinary people!"

John Boy: "If it wasn't for me Nidge'd be gettin' married in some gaffe near the Red Cow Roundabout! They'd be havin' chips for their tea! Red Cow Roundabout for Nidge and then a caravan in Cortown for to do the dirty business with his dirtbird missus."
Huey: "Think Nidge would've got Trish if he had no money?"
John Boy: "No money? No he wouldn't! And I gave him that money! No money, no honey!"

John Boy: "Do you seriously think that you can just go on, moochin' around town after what you done?"
Darren: "Yeah well, next time I'll just stand there like a spare tool for your brother. Maybe put a big fat sign on my head so that he can't miss."
John Boy: "You can do what you want, but my advice to you is to forget about Huey."
Darren: "He killed Robbie."
John Boy: "You don't know that."
Darren: "What do I need: proof?"
John Boy: "Well he's my brother, so you can say whatever you want, but I'll tell you this: I could pay a hundred seventeen year old crackerjacks ten grand each to come and hunt you, day and night, hundred grand to the winner. You wouldn't last twenty-four hours. See, that's the kind of money I have. Now you need to get out, you need to get back to Spain, London, whatever. I hear Stumpy's missus is over there so if that's your thing..."

FAMILY
Worried about the possible trouble her fiance's mates might cause at the wedding, Trish asks Nidge not to invite them, but he says he couldn't do that. What he means, of course, is that he wouldn't dare slight his gang buddies like that. As we've seen, they're all friends but only when it suits them and they would certainly have no problem turning on Nidge if they thought they were being snubbed.

MIRROR, MIRROR
Although Nidge and Trish have a lavish wedding, you can see the signs of gangland all over it. First there's the Guards watching with interest, no doubt noting who attends and what they do. Then there's the unseemly display as the wedding party dance down the aisle in the church. I mean, dance at the reception certainly, but have a little respect for the house of God, even if you don't believe in him. What a class act!

After the "John Boy invasion" Trish sees how her husband's "work" impacts on every aspect of their lives and she hates it, however Nidge points out, in a rather more polite way than John Boy did to Huey earlier, that if it wasn't for his "work" they wouldn't have been able to afford the big lavish wedding. But are some prices too high?

FRAGMENTATION
Following on from the "Honour among thieves" section, this part will detail the breakdown and splitting of the gang, as each begins to grow more suspicious of the other, and the gang splits essentially into two factions, one loyal to John Boy and one taking Darren's side, though some will try to keep a foot in both camps. We see the first signs of that fragmentation here, when Darren goes against John Boy's orders and attacks Stumpy, whereafter he is persona non grata in the gang, though some of the others still hang with him, and John Boy takes out a contract on his life. Here too we see his growing restlessness and distrust of Nidge, whose choice of Darren over him as a wedding guest --- even though it was not a choice he could avoid --- irks him to the extent that he wonders if Nidge should even remain part of the gang?

In point of fact, the gang is beginning to split along these lines: John Boy and Huey on one side, Nidge, Darren and Tommie on the other, though Nidge will be one of those who tries to placate both sides, as indeed will Tommie.

HONOUR AMONG THIEVES?
Yeah, right, as I've said before. The only loyalty these guys have is to themselves and their pockets. When Elmo is given a chance by John Boy to make some easy money by taking out Darren, he jumps at the chance. The hit goes wrong though and Elmo ends up shot in the stomach by Darren. When he reaches in to the crashed car and takes off the balaclava, sees who's underneath it he swears "Ah, Elmo!" in the sort of tone that says, why you? Rather amazingly, perhaps a little touchingly, he calls an ambulance for Elmo, tells him he'll be all right.

ONE CUEBALL SHORT OF A FRAME (The Final Shot)
Huey's great idea for getting rid of Darren, after the Elmo hit has gone bellyup, is to strike at the wedding. He says "He won't be expectin' that! It'll be pissin' on Nidge's day but, ya know, he'll get over it." He really thinks that a hit in public at a wedding with hundreds of witnesses, not to mention a strong Garda presence, is the way to go.

Another great idea: "We should firebomb the sister's place!" That's Mary of course, and the fact that she has kids makes absolutely no impression on the little lunatic. He probably doesn't know, but if he does, he doesn't care. He's completely without any sort of moral compass or human compassion, the perfect foil for John Boy, who has these things, but ignores and treats them with contempt. He sees them as weaknesses, whereas Huey doesn't even recognise them for what they are.

When he hears that Elmo may have to wear a colostomy bag due to his wound, he cracks up and thinks it's the funniest thing he has ever heard. Unable to pass up the chance to hassle JP he heads to the garage again, demanding to know where Tommie is, but when he gets no satisfaction he pulls a gun on JP, and is both delighted and disgusted when the young guy starts crying. He stalks off, happy to have once again asserted his dominance over a far weaker person.

Fate has the last laugh though, as his belief in his own invincibility lets him down when he plays with his gun but forgets there's a bullet left in the chamber after he thinks he's emptied them all out. John Boy's brother is finally on his way to Hell, and god help the devil, is all I can say! The last words he hears as his lifeblood leaks out over the ground are the driver asking Elmo if he should call an ambulance, and Elmo, staring down at the little scumbag, snarling "No. **** him."

Very fitting too. Apart from his brother, Huey would never have met anyone who would have called him a friend. Most people lived in fear of him, and there will be few even in the gang now who will mourn his passing. Oh, publicly they'll comfort John Boy and say what a waste, what a loss, but few if any will think in their heads anything else than that the little bastard finally got what was coming to him. And when Elmo knows that swift action could maybe --- maybe -- save Huey, he remembers how he laughed at his wound, how he treated him, as he treated everyone, and decides to let him die.

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The Batlord

I used to love Frasier. One of those comfort food sitcoms that I never really got tired of even though I'd seen just about every episode at least five times. The series finale was balls though. What purpose did Frazier choosing that random chick over Roz serve?

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Trollheart

Title: The odd couple
Year: 1968
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Jack Lemmon as Felix Ungar
Walter Matthau as Oscar Madison
John Fiedler as Vinnie
Herb Edelman as Murray
David Sheiner as Roy
Larry Haines as Speedy
Director: Gene Saks
Writer: Neil Simon

One of my all-time top three favourite movies, there are two words that aptly and perfectly describe why this is such a great movie: Lemmon and Matthau. One of the best double acts since Hope and Crosby, these two guaranteed --- guara-an-teed! --- an excellent film just by their mere presence. I've always loved Jack Lemmon as an actor, and while I can, in general, take or leave Walter Matthau on his own, when put together these two guys were just comedy gold. Even though neither did stupid pratfalls or necessarily said anything overtly funny, it's the chemisty between the two --- rarely seen before or since --- that truly marks them out as one of the greatest pairings of all time.

Written by Neil Simon from his play of the same name, the film was so successful that it gave birth to a whole TV series, starring Tony Randall and Jack Klugman, which I remember watching as a kid without even realising it was based on this movie.

Felix Ungar (Lemmon) arrives at a New York motel looking down and dishevelled, and requests a room. When asked for how long, he mutters "Not very long". He is in fact intending killing himself, having been thrown out of his house by his long-suffering wife. As he checks into his grotty room a woman on the other side bids him goodnight, and he tells her "Goodbye". He carefully places all his personal effects in an addressed envelope, but then in a master stoke of finding comedy in tragedy, in seeing something amusing in the attempts of a man to end a life he believes has nothing left to offer him, Simon has Lemmon try to remove his wedding ring. No matter how hard he tries it will not budge, and he eventually has to leave it on.

He puts the envelope, now sealed and we can see addressed to "My wife and loving children" on the dresser, and heads to the window, but fate again mocks him, as he cannot open it. Being a cheap, nasty motel the room's window is stuck, fused shut, and he cannot jump as he had originally intended. As he's struggling with the uncooperative window his back goes out, and he has to lie down, consider his next move. He decides to leave the hotel room and staggers downstairs and out into the street, his back giving him hell.

He wanders till he comes across a cafe where there is some sort of party going on. He enters and sits, watching the dancing girls and listening to the music. However, he is not to be allowed any respite, as as he knocks back his drink his neck goes, and in terrible pain he hobbles out of the party, back into the street along which he wanders till his tired feet bring him along the waterfront. He stares down at the river, thinking about throwing himself in, then looks up at the lights of a nearby building, recognising it as the one where his old friend, Oscar Madison lives.

The action switches to that building, where we see four guys sitting around a card table, bickering as men do when playing poker. One of them worries where Felix is: he's very late for their card game. They call in to Oscar (Matthau) who is in the kitchen, plundering the food. They ask him to call Felix, but he ignores them. He opens cans of beer and it shoots everywhere, to the chagrin of the guys. It doesn't seem to bother Oscar though: he's obviously something of a slob. Murray gets a call to tell the guys that Felix has gone missing; his wife doesn't know where he is. When Oscar rings her she tells him that they broke up, and the guys start to worry, especially when Frances, Felix's wife, told her he was going out to kill himself.

Meanwhile Felix, who has decided to go to the game after the stuck window thwarted his plans to see if there is an afterlife, gets caught in the lift doors as he exits, adding a sore arm now to his already sore neck and back. The guys, anxious to pretend they don't know anything about what has happened in order not to tip him over the edge, relax and act as if everything is fine. They try a little too hard though, almost ignoring him and making him even more miserable than he already is. Suddenly the card game is forgotten as Felix declares he does not want to play, and heads to the toilet. The guys, afraid he might kill himself while in there, rush after him and hear him crying in there. They don't know what to do.

When he comes back out of the toilet he tries to maintain the pretence but quickly breaks down. He goes to leave, and there follows a comic chase as his friends try to stop him doing anything silly. He manages to lock himself in one of the rooms, they break down the door and rush to the open window, fearing the worst. From behind the door comes the plaintive complaint "Oh! My back! My back!" and the door swings back to reveal Felix flattened against it, cartoon-style. When he then tells them that he took a whole bottle of pills they go into overdrive, trying to get the pills up, trying to keep him awake, considering phoning the ambulance for him, but he finally manages to tell them he already threw up.

When the lads leave, Oscar and Felix go for a walk, then end up in a cafe where Felix immediately starts displaying his weird little quirks. The air conditioner is too cold --- he says he never lets his wife turn theirs on in the summer, to which Oscar remarks she must love that! --- and he has an odd sinus condition that seems to affect his ears too. He starts making weird noises. I can't really describe it. It's like he's trying to clear his throat, blow his nose and suck in air all at once. Here, watch this clip:



Everyone thinks there's something wrong with him.

Felix discusses with his friend how annoying he was to live with, but Oscar invites him to move in. Felix is delighted, and says he'll be able to pitch in around the place. And indeed he does. The next week, when the guys come over for poker, it is a very different apartment they find. Everything is clean and tidy, there's cold beer --- cold! --- and coasters, and Felix is serving munchies from a hostess trolley. He's also fussing around like a housewife, telling the guys not to get marks on anything, frowning at the cigar smoking, and making special sandwiches. Oscar is slowly simmering like a stew coming to the boil. His voice is low and dead, and you can tell that he's waiting to explode. He tells Murray, who is a cop, he'll pay him two hundred dollars for his gun. When Roy realises that Felix has disinfected the cards he leaves, following Speedy, who has already lost patience with Felix's new cleaning regime.

In the course of an escalating argument about why Felix has to have everything just-so, he takes up a cup and goes to throw it against the wall. When he grins, shakes his head at his own impetuosity and puts it back, Oscar goads him into throwing it, telling him it'll make him feel better: he doesn't have to be so controlling all the time, let himself go. Eventually Felix does throw the cup, but a) it hits the wall without breaking (somehow) and b) he hurts his shoulder! Oscar tells him he's a hopeless case. They decide to go out, rather than end up killing each other.

In an attempt to break the monotony, draw Felix out of himself and get himself some, Oscar arranges a double date. However of course it doesn't go according to plan; Felix, who only agreed to the date after constant haranguing by Oscar, is ill-at-ease and not at all comfortable, and falls back on the only thing he can think of to keep the dying conversation going when his friend goes to get drinks: his failed marriage. and the two sisters spend the night consoling Felix, crying with him. When they then suggest that the boys come up to their room Oscar is delighted (especially as it's very hot up there and clothes may be an optional extra) but Felix does not want to go. As the girls were very taken with his roommate, Oscar doesn't think there's much point in his going alone.

Now there's a wall of silence between the two. Not a word is exchanged, but black looks are. Oscar does his best to spoil Felix's attempts at cleaning, making things dirty and untidy just as Felix gets them sorted, and Felix retaliates by switching off the TV programme Oscar is watching (this is in an era, remember, long before remote controls). Tempers finally snap when Oscar hurls a plate of linguini at the wall, and forbids Felix to clean it up. Their arguments turn violent and Oscar chases Felix up to the roof, then tells him to leave. Felix eventually agrees, but tells Oscar it is on his head, which despite the high-running tempers worries Oscar, considering what happened at the beginning of the movie.

Of course, he feels guilty afterwards and he and the guys go looking for his ex-roommate, but it turns out that he has taken refuge in the flat of the two sisters: he's fallen on his feet again!

Classic scenes

Oh where do I start? This movie has so many! Almost every scene is class, but to pick a few out:

"It's linguini, you fool!"
Just before their cold-treatment reaches fever pitch, Felix sits at the poker table with his dinner. Oscar, annoyed at Felix just having turned his ball game off on the TV, comes over and says "Get that spaghetti off my poker table!" Felix just sits there, laughing as if at some private joke, which makes Oscar even more angry. "What's so funny?" he demands, and Felix sniggers "That's not spaghetti: it's linguini, you fool!" Whereupon Oscar grabs the plate, takes it into the kitchen, flings it against the wall and declares "Now it's garbage!"

Sinuses
Already demonstrated in the attached YouTube, it's a hilarious scene which shows how neurotic Felix is, and how much of a pain he can be as he tries to clear his sinuses in a restaurant, while everyone looks on and wonders if there's something wrong with him. Felix, though, is so wrapped up in himself that he can't see the looks he's getting, and anyway, to him this is normal behaviour. He just doesn't even consider that it could be seen as odd.

"Not quite a perfect date"
The scene where Felix, left alone with the girls while Oscar fixes the drinks (seriously: how long can that take? It seems to be about ten minutes before he returns) desperately searching for conversational topics, takes out the pictures of his kids, leading to a sobbing session as he recalls his family, Cecily her own dead husband and Gwendolyn her failed relationship. Oscar breezes back in, expecting to see everyone chatting and laughing, and is confronted by a scene straight out of a wake!

"Poker was never meant to be played like this!"
Havign established himself at Oscar's home, Felix makes sure everyone at the card game has (and uses) coasters for their drinks, eats over the plates, and sprays air freshener around like it's going out of fashion. He also plugs in a dehumidifier, which one of the guys complains is "sucking all the air out of the room". When the guys realise though that he has washed the cards they're playing with, it's the final straw and the game breaks up.

"A triple play!"
I know, and want to know, nothing about baseball, but apparently a "triple play" is rare? When Oscar, commentating on a game (he's a sports writer) has a chance to see one, he is distracted by a totally unnecessary phone call from Felix, and can't believe that he's missed it!

"Looney Tunes"
When Felix is trying to take the vacuum cleaner into the kitchen, he leaves the cable strung out on the living room floor and tries to pull it after him. Oscar quite deliberately steps on it, stopping him. Looking in, Felix sees what he's at and loops the cable around his shoulder, ready to give it a hard tug. Just as he does, Oscar lifts his foot and the sudden release of pressure and his own momentum send Felix flying, and we hear the sounds of crashing, things breaking, things falling. With a satisfied grin on his face, Oscar walks off.

"What time do you call this?"
As they prepare for their big date, Oscar comes in late and Felix takes him to task, asking him why he is late and almost sobbing that his meatloaf wil be ruined. He's just like a wife, even complaining about "slaving over a meal" while Oscar makes some excuse about working late, which Felix triumphantly dismisses, saying he phoned the office and knows that Oscar was at the bar! Absolutely hilarious!

QUOTES
Murray: "Did you know Felix was once locked in the john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper!"

Murray: "Aren't you going to look at your cards first?"
Oscar: "What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway!"

Oscar: "I got ... um... brown sandwiches and green sandwiches. What do you want?"
Murray: "What's the green?"
Oscar: "It's either very new cheese or very old meat."

Oscar (on the phone to his five-year old from California): "Yeah, I got your letter honey thanks. It took three weeks! Next time, you ask mommy to give you a stamp." (Pause) "Yeah, I know honey, but you're not supposed to draw it on!"

Oscar: "You think you were impossible to live with? Blanche used to ask me when I wanted to eat. I'd say I don't know, I'm not hungry. Then three in the morning I'd wake her up and say now!"

Oscar: "Hello? Frances?"
Felix: "I'm not here. You haven't heard from me, you don't know where I am, I didn't call, you didn't see me and I'm not here. I am not here!"
Oscar: "Yes Frances, he's here."

Felix: "Where's your coaster?"
Roy: "What?"
Felix: "Your coaster. The little round thing you put your glass on."
Roy (considers): "I think I bet it."

Speedy (heading out the door in frustration, and thus breaking up the game) to Oscar: "You've got no-one to blame but yourself! It's your fault! You stopped him from killing himself!"

Gwendolyn: "What field of endeavour are you engaged in?"
Felix: "I write the news for television."
Gwendolyn: "Oh! Fascinating. Where do you get your ideas from?"

Felix: "You're asking to hear something I don't want to say, but if I do say it I think you oughta hear it!"
Oscar: "You got anything on your chest beside your chin you'd better get it off."
Felix: "All right then you asked for it! You're a wonderful guy Oscar! You've done verything for me! If it weren't for you I don't know what would have happened to me! You took me in here, you gave me a place to live, something to live for. I'm never going to forget you for that, Oscar! You're tops with me!"

Oscar: "Why doesn't he hear me? I know I'm talking: I recognise my voice!"

Felix: "In other words, you're throwing me out?"
Oscar: "Not in other words! Those are the perfect ones!"

Why do I love this movie?
Apart from the already-mentioned presence of both Lemmon and Matthau instantly ensuring a great film, Neil Simon's script is pure gold. The way he writes it so that one of the guys is essentially the wife, concerned about cleanliness, good food and throwing little temper fits when he doesn't get his way, making it seem as if the guys are married to each other in all but name, is what makes this movie work. There's also no hint of homosexuality at all: this is just two guys living together who begin as friends and by the end are at each other's throats. The chemisty of course between the two leads is also what makes it work. Admittedly, Tony Randall and Jack Klugman did well in the TV version, but then they really based their performances on those of the two masters here.

"The odd couple" brings to the forefront all the little niggly things we know about, but tend to overlook in our partner, whether they're a wife, live-in girfriend or roommate. All those annoying little noises. The sticky notes left in strategic places. Oscar tells Felix at one point he hates those sticky notes: "I woke to find one on my pillow: We are out of cornflakes FU. Took me three weeks to work out that "FU" stood for Felix Ungar!" The arguments, the recriminations. Things done one way because that person has always done things that way and has no wish to change, despite the fact that the other person hates doing things that way. The pure hell, in other words, of living with someone you have known but have never shared a house, room or apartment with before.

Felix is a neurotic, cleaning-obssessed, health freak who can't believe that someone would rather leave a table untidy rather than clean it up, or that a man could eat a day-old sandwich, or that people can't see the benefits of having a dehumidifier. Oscar, on the other hand, is, and let's be totally fair to him, a slob, who enjoys doing things his way. He's not prepared to change, and to be honest the way he goes on you can see why his wife threw him out. To be fair, Felix must have driven his wife mad too. These are two examples of total opposites, these men, who should never be brought into close contact with each other, for any appreciable length of time. They certainly should not even dream of living together.

But underneath it all, under the simmering resentment, the shocked anger, the disbelief and the accusations, both men are friends and at one point Oscar --- tough, hard, ornery Oscar Madison --- breaks down in front of Felix, begging him to leave him alone before he does something he'll regret. This rather poignant scene is then totally trumped as Felix, seeing Oscar go into the kitchen, cattily declares "Walk on the paper: I just washed the floor!" Oscar then does snap, and chases Felix out of the apartment and onto the roof.

It's a buddy movie, a cautionary tale, a comment on the relationships between two people, even of the same gender, living together. At the beginning of the film, as Oscar offers to take Felix in, he quips "Come and stay with me, Felix. I'm proposing here: what do you want, a ring?" Later he will discover how appropriate that remark is, for Felix ends up driving him as mad as any nagging wife. And of course Oscar bugs Felix too. Why can't he just eat over the plate, smoke less, clean up after himself? It's a marriage made in Hell, and pure classic comedy gold, the likes of which we're not likely to see again.

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Season One, Episode Two

"Plain sailing"

Heading home to Liverpool after his successful bid for Senor Braganza's wine contract, James is in a good mood and determined to teach his new wife how to navigate and handle herself aboard ship. He shows her how to use a sextant, a compass, and the difference between latitude and longitude. Meanwhile, back home Daniel Fogarty's ship has been sighted, and Elizabeth rushes off to make herself presentable for his arrival, while Robert begins to realise what he has signed his name to in the partnership contract with James, as debtors begin to call at his shop demanding payment. On board the Charlotte Rhodes one of the sailors is feeling unwell, and the "ship's fever", as Bains calls it, soon spreads throughout the ship, even claiming James, who lies sick in his bed, unable to do anything.

On Fogarty's arrival to the Onedin household he talks about a promotion: he works for the same employer who was once James's master, but who is now his sworn enemy, and James Callon has promised Daniel the captainship of the first ship that comes available. Once this happens, Daniel tells the eager Robert and Sarah, he would be in a position to ask for Elizabeth's hand in marriage. Robert makes the mistake of mentioning Albert Frazer, a subject which goes down well with neither Fogarty or his intended, and Elizabeth assuages his fears by telling him he has no rival in Frazer.

As James lies in his sickbed, Anne tells Bains he must take the noonday reading, the position of the sun that will determine their course, but Bains is aghast: he can't read; indeed, no-one onboard bar James can. Apart from her. But though she has been learning navigation, she does not yet know enough to be able to plot the ship's course on her own. Bains is all for sailing further west, saying that everyone knows that's the best cure for ship's fever but Anne knows that the problem stems from badly-cooked meat, and she has all the spoiled meat cast overboard. This does not make her any friends among the crew, nor indeed Bains, who mistrusts her deductions. But as wife of his master he has no choice but to obey her.

When the wind shifts one of the crew has his hand caught in the rigging and has to have three of his fingers amputated. This means that when they reach port the man will no longer be able to sail again, and his family will no longer be able to rely on him to support them. Floundering over plotting the course, Anne asks for help from James but he is delerious, spouting nonsense. She is however able to glean meaning from his words, and realises they can steer by the stars, thus getting their latitude, which has thus far eluded her. Meanwhile Jacko, the sick sailor, passes away and they bury him at sea. Anne's navigation though turns out to be somewhat faulty, as they end up off the coast of France! Exasperated, Bains dismisses her and takes over command.

Later, Anne is incensed when she sees that not only have two of the sailors --- the one who lost his fingers and his mate --- broken open a cask of the cargo of wine, but that Bains, when told the cask was "found busted", laughs and joins in drinking. She threatens the two men with jail and tells Bains he has commanded his last ship. Belowdecks the argument gets even more heated between her and Bains, and she swears the two men will hang for mutiny, which shocks the old seaman. Before things can spiral out of control altogether though, Anne makes a bargain with Bains. She will teach him how to read --- "the letterin'" --- if he will help her plot the course. And there'll be no more talk of mutiny. The deal is sealed, and a level of calm returns to the ship.

James recovers and goes on deck during a hell of a storm, with the ship twelve days out of Liverpool. Against Bains' better judgement, and fearing for his cargo, he orders more sail to be raised, which Bains thinks may capsize the ship in the strong wind, but Onedin is master and will have his way. He turns out to be right, and soon enough the schooner is sailing into Liverpool harbour, where Anne must deliver the sad news to Jacko's wife and mother, waiting at the quayside. Robert, eager for news of how much they have made, is ignored by James in the shadow of the mini-tragedy unfolding before his cold but not unmoved gaze.

QUOTES
Fogarty (about Frazer): "Ah, so he's a "floating kettle man" then?" Fogarty has no time for these new-fangled steam ships, and when he hears that Albert is always trying to persuade his father to build them, his contempt for the man, already high due to his perceived unwarranted attentions towards his bride-to-be, soars to greater levels.

Bains: "I know ships and seas and the winds that blow, and I can handle men, drunk or sobre. But a more obstinate, parsimonious woman than yourself I've never comprehended, and in spite of all your letterin' and your figurin' we've less notion of our position and what course to set than we had three days ago!"

Elizabeth: "Daniel does not yet rule my life. And he has been far too possessive of nature of late. I shall accept Mr. Frazer's invitation, if only to put Daniel out of countenance!"

FAMILY
ELIZABETH
Like any family of the time, an unmarried sister is a social stigma for a house to carry, and the moreso a reasonably well-to-do and well-known one, so Robert believes it is imperative that Elizabeth be married off as soon as possible. He considers Daniel Fogarty a decent prospect, but to be honest the shipbuilder's son would do just as well. He doesn't, truth to tell, care, as long as his sister does not marry beneath her. As with all such period dramas, appearances are very important and any scandal that should attach to Elizabeth would reflect on both her brothers. He is not above pushing Fogarty though, by needling him about Elizabeth's new beau. This only stings the sailor to anger, and ensures the two men will be at loggerheads over the girl.

Later, Elizabeth cannot help prodding Fogarty again when, on returning from a night at the theatre, she remarks that she much prefers that to the opera, planting in his already suspicious mind a question where that came from? Little does he know (though he will find out) that Albert has already taken her to the opera. Elizabeth is a little minx, delighted to have two men fighting over her (what woman doesn't?) and plays one off against the other with the wilful abandon that will later land her in hot water. For now though she is just a young girl rebelling against the fate set out for her, refusing to bow to social conventions and delighting in any scandal or embarrassment she can cause to her family, her fiance, or anyone else.

SARAH
Left with James's debts to cover, their good name in tatters and nothing left in the coffers, with James weeks overdue, Sarah's opinion of her brother-in-law has not sweetened in his absence. She is scandalised by Elizabeth's shameful dalliances with Albert Frazer --- she was brought up to believe that when you "plighted your troth" (got engaged) to a man you took yourself out of the reach of others, sworn to the one you were to wed. Elizabeth's actions in her eyes are only a step removed from that of a harlot, and while she worries how it will turn out for the girl, she is quite obviously more concerned with the Onedin name --- her name --- being dragged through the mud.

But it is with James she has the biggest bone to pick. She believes the younger brother has fooled the older, and so he has. She is watching debts mount up, creditors demand payment while the threat of court action, never before envisaged in her family, hangs over them like a pronouncement of doom, that this venture was cursed from the beginning. She is starting to wonder if James will ever return, or if he, with their promised profits, has been lost at sea. A small part of her hopes this is the case, for she sees James as the worst influence on Robert. While she is trying to instil values of decency and hard work and sense into her husband, James is filling his mind with tales of money to be made, but not filling their coffers. Perhaps it would be best were the Charlotte Rhodes never to return.

A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE
Another family, of course, is the crew of the ship and James looks after his men like .... yeah. Not a bit of it. The only thing Onedin sees in his crew are able-bodied men who can get him from point A to point B with the minimum of fuss and the maximum of speed, and speed in his business equals profits. People will not pay well for a ship that docks late with their cargo, and will be unlikely to secure the services of the captain of such a ship again. So James doesn't really care if his crew are happy, or motivated, or healthy. Well, the last is probably the only thing that would give him concern, as a crewman sick in bed is of no use to him, and one man (or more) down will result in a slower passage, thus eating into his profits.

The men aboard ship are driven hard and mercilessly, which at times will result in someone staggering while climbing the rigging and either falling to their death on the deck or being lost overboard. There are many hazards on a ship, and they are well known, but in Liverpool in the 1860s jobs are not exactly easy to come by, and many men go to sea knowing that there is a reasonable chance they may not make it back. Unlike ships of later years, the vessels of this age are completely manual. Sails must be raised, trimmed, turned and furled by hand, with men scampering up the high masts into the rigging like seaborne monkeys, and it certainly did not do if you had not a head for heights!

Food was sparse and simple, as there were no preservatives then other than salt, and the food onboard was mostly quite tasteless, if not actually horrible. It is in fact, as we see in this episode, the usage of meat not cooked properly that leads to what Bains calls "ship's fever", and Anne is berated for throwing it all overboard, but she is proven right as the men recover once the tainted meat has been removed from their diet.

The peculiar vagaries of command of the ship make themselves apparent here too. When one of the sailors shouts at Anne for talking harshly to Bains, and throws wine in her face, Bains punches him out. The fact that the sailor was standing up for Bains means nothing to the Mate; he is there to maintain discipline, and an attack on the owner's wife is a breach of conduct that cannot be allowed slide. In truth, he probably feels like punching or at least shaking Anne himself, but he is in a position of authority and command, and will only maintain that post by the exercise of often brutal control over the lower ranks. On a sailing ship, nobody may question the story that the Mate fell overboard, or see the knife protruding from his ribs as he falls. Accidents happen, and sometimes onboard ship can be the time to settle old quarrels.

It's only when the master, captain, mate or bosun is both sufficiently respected and feared that such displays are rarely if ever countenanced. The man in charge is meant to stand up for his crew, certainly, but he cannot allow them to walk over him either, and must choose his battles and his actions carefully. Bains knows this: had he supported or left unpunished the slight against Anne Onedin, the chances are he would be dismissed from James's service and in all likelihood find it hard to get a berth on any other ship --- although Callon might have him, just for the pleasure of employing Onedin's best man...

TIGHTFIST
This time it's Robert we see tightening the purse strings. When the mother of Jacko (whom she does not know is already dead) comes calling for half of his month's wages, thirty shillings, Robert, reluctant but more or less bullied into paying her, keeps back four shillings, which he tells her is his discount for cash. As a "nutcracker" (?) he says he is being more than fair, as most would charge her five shillings in the pound. It would appear that the wages, if paid out in a lump sum, incur, or can incur, some kind of commission, though to be fair I'm not that familiar with nineteenth-century maritime payment practices. We also see how little the elder Onedin regards the lives of those whose problems do not directly concern him, as, in the end scene, he rushes up to James to ask how much profit they have made, completely oblivious to and not caring about the fact that Jacko's widow has just been given the awful and tragic news of her husband's death at sea.

Anne, too, becomes more worried about their profits when she tells Bains they cannot sail west out into the Atlantic as he wants to, because that will delay their passage and eat into their profits from the voyage. Of course, there is also the underlying imperative to get James to a doctor as quickly as possible, though curiously she does not mention this. She is already well on her way to becoming a true Onedin.

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Something a little different (maybe this unseasonable sun --- what? I'm in Ireland! Sun is always unseasonable here, even in June! --- is getting to me) that might put a smile on the faces of those geeks like me lurking out there talking about music. I know you're out there: look! Star Wars collectable figures IN THEIR ORIGINAL PACKAGING! Thought that'd draw you out. Now come on, over here...



Oh yes, we know all about the beautiful, sleek starships like The Heart of Gold, Enterprise and the White Stars, but for every majestic queen of the stars there have been a dozen ragged, flung-together garbage scows that hardly deserve the name spaceship. Some are of course less ugly than others, but as the Cat from Red Dwarf would say: they are all UG-LEEE!

I haven't rated them, as I'm not really sure if JohnBoy's "flying boobs" from "Battle beyond the stars" looks worse than the Eagles from "Space 1999", so they're in no order. If you happen to retain any sad misplaced love for any of these ships, all I can say is take a look at this: now that's what a spaceship should look like! How much? A whole page full of noughts, with a one at the front. And worth every penny!


(Note: sorry for the crappy picture: it is a lot harder than you would think to get a pic of the original TV series one, which was what I wanted. This was the best I could do...)

But these ships can't even dream, in their wildest fantasies, of being as gorgeous as The Heart of Gold, so maybe we should cut them a little slack, huh? Or not.


First out of the craps, sorry traps, (no wait, I was right the first time!) is The Galactica. No, the original one, from the eighies sci-fi, er, drama of the same name. I mean, look at it: the last ark of humanity? It's more like the last-minute thrown-together project of some engineers who had no idea how to build a spaceship. And didn't.

Next, the ship that not only looked like it should have been aborted, but also carried one of the ugliest things ever to Earth. No, I know the Alien didn't get to our home planet, I'm not talking about that... Come on: who would you rather go out with, a slavering, slobbering alien three times your height with rows of razor-sharp fangs, dripping slime, or Sigourney Weaver? Yeah, thought so: me too. Alien every time. But the Nostromo just looks like a box with pipes attached...


Then there are the Eagles. No, not the band! Sheesh! What kind of geek are you? Where's yer pride? Now in fairness the workhorses from "Space 1999" are not that ugly, they're just ... functional. Yeah. They have to look like that because all they do is haul .... ah, to hell with it: they're ugly as all get-out.


Let's not forget though the mighty, er, Salvage One, from the ill-fated series of the same name. Looks like no self-respecting space pirate would even lower themselves to haul it in as salvage itself!


But sometimes even famous ships can be ugly. I mean, we all love the Millennium Falcon, but let's be honest here: it's pretty much a flying magnet. And it's a flying magnet. Did I mention it's a flying magnet? Well it is. A flying magnet.


But it's beauty personified compared to the, er, flying boobs from "Battle beyond the stars". AND the ship is PINK! I mean, could you get any more mammocentric than this?


And just to prove it's not only in crappy movies that you get crappy spaceships, here's Discovery One, from the seminal "2001: A space odyssey".

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A forest floating in space may be a great and worthy idea, but it makes one heck of an ugly spaceship! From "Silent running", this is Valley Forge.


And what better to strike fear into the hearts of the rebels than ... a flying dart? No, no! It's an Imperial Star Destroyer! It's a flying dart. It's an Imperial Star Destroyer! It's a ...


Or, indeed, a gigantic bug! That eats planets!


Or how about a huge ugly spider?


I'm sure there are more, and when I have a chance and feel like it I may run another selection. But that's enough ugliness for now. Let's finish with one truly beautiful spaceship, from one truly awful science-fiction series.

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Season One: "Signs and portents" (Part Eight)

1.17 "A voice in the wildness, part one"

One of only two episodes in the entire series to be split into two parts, this is a very important and arc-centric one. It features some revelations which will become integral to the plot, and answers some questions while raising others. Violent earthquakes are shaking the planet above which Babylon 5 orbits, and a geologist from the station goes down to Epsilon 3 to investigate, but before his shuttle can get near the atmosphere it's hit by a mysterious beam that knocks out its generator, and it has to be towed back to the station. More intrigued than worried, Dr. Tasagi, the scientist, is eager to return the next day.

Ivanova has deduced that the beam that knocked out the shuttle is in fact some sort of signal. She also mentions that there has been no news today at all from Mars. There's usually something in the daily Earthforce status report, but not today. She's concerned, but Sinclair tells her it's probably nothing. Delenn meanwhile is reunited with a very old friend and teacher of hers, Draal, who has come to visit her before "going to the sea", the Minbari word for the stars.

As Sinclair watches the news, Ivanova's seemingly baseless fears turn out to be horribly well-grounded, as word comes in of a revolt on Mars. Fighting is going on in the cities, and Free Mars have launched an all-out offensive on the Earth-led government. While watching this, Sinclair sees a phantom figure appear in front of him, an alien who looks tired and weak and asks him to help him. The apparition disappears quickly though, and Sinclair can't be sure of what he saw. The next morning at breakfast he discusses the trouble on Mars with Ivanova, who remarks it must be hard for him, as he was born there. He says it is, but that Garibaldi may be taking the revolt harder, having been stationed there, and he will check on him.

Draal speaks to Delenn of how lost and aimless his people seem. He is not happy with the way things are going, and says the Minbari today are not the same people he grew up with. He feels terrible things are on their way and cannot be stopped. Garibaldi meanwhile is trying to get a channel through to Mars; there's a girl there he needs to check on. But the Mars government have a total communications blackout in force. He seeks the help of Talia Winters. He knows that Psi Corps have a secret base on Mars, and he believes she can help get him a clear channel. Though concerned that he even knows about the base, Talia agrees to do what she can to help.

On his return trip to Epsilon 3, despite being ordered not to go down into the atmosphere Tasagi does, and is targeted by missiles from the planet's surface. With the Starfurys unable to go down that low, she uses Babylon 5's defence grid to target the missiles and allows time for the shuttle to get back into orbit, where the Starfurys can tow it back to the station. But at least now they know that there is some sort of fissure in the planet, whether natural or man-made they can't tell. This would seem to support the theory that there is something important down there, and they should take a deeper look. Sinclair and Ivanova both decide to go.

Meanwhile Londo runs into the phantom alien, and down on the planet, after successfully landing and navigating the elaborate security system there, Sinclair and Ivanova are more convinced than ever that there is something here of value. Someone has gone to great lengths to make sure it's not discovered, and they need to know what it is, and who is protecting it. After all, this is the planet the station is orbiting. They need to know as much as they can about any possible threat, and it has already fired upon one of their ships. They are however in no way prepared for what they find there. A huge, incalculably huge machine of some sort, which seems to be part of the planet's core; which indeed, seems to run right through the planet.

Talia is unable to convince the Psi Corps to allow Garibaldi access their communications, but she does tell him rather worryingly that the girl he's looking for, Lise Hampton, is not listed among the survivors. Garibaldi is convinced she's okay though, although whether that's blind optimism or not is unclear. Down on Epsilon 3, Sinclair and Ivanova both see the image of the ghostly alien the commander has already seen, and moments later see him in the flesh, hooked into a huge machine. He looks very weak and asks for help. They decide to try to remove him from the apparatus, and make their way back to the station. As they make their way back though, a massive unknown ship comes through the jumpgate....

TO BE CONTINUED!

Important Plot Arc Points
Epsilon 3
Arc Level: Orange
Up to now we've probably not even really been aware that Babylon 5 is in fact in orbit around a planet. Makes sense though: I'm not too sure of the physics, but doubt anything that large could remain stationary in space without being in orbit. It's not a starship, after all. Even in "rival" series, Star Trek Deep Space Nine, the station there is in orbit around Bajor. But whether we've realised it or not, the existence of the planet is now thrown front and centre, and what occurs there, and what the crew find out about it, will have major implications as the story moves forward.

The alien in the machine
Arc Level: Orange
Again, tied in to the arc strand regarding Epsilon 3, the alien will also have a pretty big impact on what happens, especially after the second part of this episode.

Free Mars/The Mars rebellion
Arc Level: Red
The unrest on Mars finally spills over into open revolt, and what happens here will have a huge impact on the series, right up to the end of the entire five-year arc. We also learn here about Garibaldi's lost love, who is apparently on the planet, or was, last he heard. This will also tie in to the main storyline.

Psi Corps on Mars
Arc Level: Red
Although it seems a small consideration, a tiny thread in the tapestry of the plot, hardly worth remarking that Psi Corps have a secret installation on Mars, this will come to be of massive significance later in the story, and the involvement of Psi Corps will lead to some rather unfortunate events.

Quotes
Ivanova debriefs Tasaki as he returns from almost being killed going down to the planet:
Ivanova: "This doesn't worry you?"
Tasagi: "On the contrary: it scares the hell out of me. But, what better way to go out than in the cause of advancing scientific knowledge?"
Ivanova (after he's gone): "This is a multiple choice question? Because I have some ideas."

Negotiations between the Minbari and the Centauri over certain trade routes have been concluded. Though happy G'Kar is not there to throw the usual spanner in the works, Londo still complains about the price his people have had to pay. Sinclair lays it out for him.
Sinclair: "Your government stands to profit substantially from access to that sector. The jumpgate fees are pocket change by comparison."
Londo: "Obviously what I consider a tent you consider a pocket!"

Mollari muses on how strong the hatred the Narns have for his people is:
Londo: "If the Narns all stood together in one place and hated all at the same time, that hatred could fly across dozens of light years and reduce Centauri Prime to a ball of ash!"

More Londo magic:
Londo: "Commander, what would you do if you find anything of value down there?"
Sinclair: "The odds of that are very small. It's probably an automated homing beacon, left over from hundreds of years ago."
Londo: "Yes, but if it isn't? Would you tell me?"
Sinclair: "No."
Londo: "Just making sure we know where we stand."

The Babylon 5 mantra, as recited by Ivanova: "Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova is God. And if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out!"

Comic relief, as ever, is left to Londo, who sees Garibaldi down in the dumps and decides to try to cheer him up.
Londo: "As a young Centauri I developed a preoccupation for the female of my particular species. I went to all the finest clubs, watched the most exotic Centauri dancers. Now one day I was angry and upset, but I went to the club, sat and watched the show. But never saw it, just sat and stewed. Suddenly I looked up and this beautiful dancer was leaning down over the stage, and looking right into my eyes. And she said 'Whatever it is, it can't be that bad'. And then she kissed me, right here." (Pauses) "Mister Garibaldi, whatever it is, it can't be that bad!"
Garibaldi (laughing despite himself): "You try to kiss me and I'll break your arm."
Londo: "We're not that close, Mr. Garibaldi!"
Garibaldi: "And the dancer?"
Londo: "Oh, I married her! Yes, that day! The next day I woke and saw her in the light of day, sleeping against my arm, and I decided I would rather chew off my arm than wake her up."
Garibaldi: "Oh that's sweet."
Londo: "No, no! She had a voice that could curdle fresh milk! Londo! Yes dear! Londo! Coming my darling! I'll be right there, my love bug!" (Another pause) "You looked as if you needed a friend."
Garibaldi: "I did. Thanks."
Londo: "You are welcome. Now, I go to spread happiness to the rest of the station. It's a terrible responsibility, but I have learned to live with it!"

Londo muses on the cultural significance of "The Hokey Cokey"!
Londo: "Six thousand years of recorded history, a history that includes remarkable composers astonishing symphonies, but what is the one song that half of them teach their children, generation after generation? You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put whole self in and you shake it all about. You do the hokey cokey, you give a little shout: that's what it's all about! It doesn't mean anything! I have been studying it for seven days! I had the computer analyse it. I swear to you: it does not mean A THING!"

1.18 "A voice in the wilderness, part 2"

The huge ship coming through the jumpgate at the end of part one turns out to be an Earthforce cruiser, its captain advises Garibaldi that the Hyperion has been instructed to take over the investigation into what lies on Epsilon 3. Sinclair and Ivanova have brought the unconscious alien back to B5, but whereas they consider him their guest, Captain Pierce of the Hyperion sees him as their prisoner. Pierce advises Sinclair that he has been sent with the heavy cruiser to guard the planet and make sure that none of the alien governments try to send emissaries down to explore and perhaps lay claim to the technology Sinclair and Ivanova saw down there.

Meanwhile, the news reports that Earth has sent shock troops to Mars to put down the rebellion. Sinclair goes to Senator Hidoshi to complain about Pierce's intention to take over, saying that he was given an express guarantee by the president himself when he took command of Babylon 5 that he was in sole charge. Hidoshi is noncommittal but says he will do what he can. Pierce has already tried to send down shuttles to the planet but has been unsuccessful. Ivanova reports that there are massive artificial disturbances building up in the planet and that if they're not stopped Epsilon 3 is likely to tear itself apart, taking Babylon 5 and anything in the vicinity with it.

They reason that the fact that they removed the alien from the massive machine may be contributing to the instability rumbling through the planet. On his way to Delenn's quarters with the ambassador, Draal hears the alien call his name and ask for help, but he does not see him and Delenn does not hear the voice. Sinclair pays a visit on Garibaldi and after hearing about his girlfriend on Mars he promises to get him the channel, telling Garibaldi he has some favours he can call in. He also asks the security chief to make sure that, if the station has to be evacuated he gets Ivanova off it. Draal, drawn to medlab with Delenn, meets the almost-comatose alien, who recognises him as "the one" and warns him not to allow anyone to approach the planet, much less land there, as they will be destroyed.

Pierce is ready to launch another expedition, notwithstanding the information received from the alien, until Sinclair, poker-faced, threatens to instigate a blockade of the planet to prevent anyone landing. Pierce says he doesn't believe the commander would order his ships to fire on the cruiser, but Sinclair tells him that if the captain sends his ships down there they're all dead anyway, so not to test him. Pierce blinks first, and the expedition is cancelled. Just then, an alien ship arrives through the jumpgate claiming that they are the rightful inhabitants of the planet, and demand the humans withdraw. Before Sinclair can respond however, Pierce issues his own ultimatum. The alien tells Sinclair and Ivanova that these aliens are exiles, violent members of his race who were cast out of society and roamed the galaxy.

He tells them his name is Varn, and he has been on the planet, in what he calls "The Great Machine", for centuries. He and the Machine are one: he is its guard, its protector. He has watched the Babylon stations being built, watched the development of the communities who came there, but now he is dying, and the planet with him in a symbiotic link. He tells them that without someone to guard the Machine, as a failsafe, the apparatus will destroy itself. Draal knows what Varn means, and he has found his purpose at last. Just as he discusses this with Delenn though, Londo walks in and gets involved. He promises to help the two Minbari get down to the planet, so that Draal can take his place in the Great Machine.

Pierce and Sinclair have decided the only course of action open to them is to launch a pre-emptive strike against the aliens. In the middle of the firefight Londo, Delenn and Draal kidnap Varn and head for the planet, using the cover of the battle to escape being targeted by the heavy cruiser or indeed Babylon 5's fighters. Garibaldi launches in pursuit. When he meets the four down on the planet he is amazed, but realises that there is no other way to resolve the situation. As the firefight reaches its height, a massive beam goes out from the planet and Draal appears in holographic form to advise that he is the new guardian of the planet, that its secrets are for no race, not yet. He will wait there, guarding, watching, until the time is right. No-one must approach the planet, and he commends its safety into Sinclair's hands.

The aliens, ignoring the warning, try to approach and are completely destroyed. Delenn says a tearful goodbye to her old friend, knowing he has finally found what he has been searching for all this time. Garibaldi meanwhile is delighted to hear that Lise Hampton is alive --- wounded, but alive. He is however less delighted to learn that she is now married, and expecting her first child. It's not quite the happy ending he was hoping for, but he bears up and wishes her well.

Important Plot Arc Points
Epsilon 3/The Great Machine
Arc Level: Orange
As already alluded to in part one, the machine on the planet will be seen again, and used in the plot to some extent. Draal's promise to contact them again "when the time is right" will be realised, though not for a while yet.

Sinclair's destiny
Arc Level: Red
Delenn hints that she knows more about what is to happen to Commander Sinclair than she will say. She mentions at the end that if Draal had not taken Varn's place in the Great Machine, Sinclair would have, and this it would appear would not have fitted in with her plans, or would at any rate not be how she would see things turning out. Again it is intimated that Sinclair has a great destiny to fulfill, but what fate could be greater than that which Draal has just achieved?

Free Mars
Arc Level: Red
Here we see that the Mars revolts appear to have been put down by Earth. This is only a temporary solution however, and the desire of some/most Mars residents --- particularly the native ones, as it were --- for their own independence will not be quelled so easily, and the spectre of revolt and riot will raise its head again later in the series, leading to a quite climactic standoff between Mars and the mother planet.

Quotes
Ivanova, on the exchange between Captain Pierce and the alien captain: "Worst case of testosterone poisoning I've ever seen."

Londo (looking at a row of control buttons on the shuttle dash): "Now, if I were a landing thruster, which one of these would I be?"

Draal: "All my life I have searched for a way to help others. To me, there is no greater calling, no higher destiny than to live for another, and if necessary, to die for another. To somehow make the world a better place. I had done all I could on my world, I came looking for a reason, hoping for a way to live out my remaining years with direction and purpose. Here I have found it. I will save lives, and the wonders of this place will take me centuries to explore. Let my life have meaning; help me do what we both know must be done."

Garibaldi: "Why the end-run around us? When you figured out that someone was going to have to take Varn's place down there, why didn't you come to us and let us handle it?"
Delenn: "Because if I had, I know in my heart that Commander Sinclair would be the one down there right now. He's looking for a purpose, but his destiny lies elsewhere."

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