Trollheart

Season One, Episode One

"The wind blows free"

Returning from a long voyage experienced ship captain James Onedin is incensed to find that he will not be earning his captain's bonus, as some of his cargo, oranges picked up in Seville, Spain, has spoiled. This, he tells his boss, shipowner Thomas Callon, is because the ship "sprung for'ard" (sprung a leak in the forward deck) and the water destroyed the fruit. Callon holds him responsible, saying that had he not driven the ship so hard the leak may not have occurred, but Onedin counters by reminding Callon that he always demands a fast passage and that furthermore, the captain had called to the owner's notice the fact that the ship was riddled with woodworm, but that Callon ignored it. Callon, however, takes this as further proof of James's culpability: how could he set to sea in a ship so damaged?

On the way out of Callon's office, James notices a for-sale sign advertising a ship, and in a sudden rush of inspiration --- mixed, no doubt, with a healthy dose of anger and burgeoning ambition ---- he tears it off the wall and takes it with him. Questioning his brother Robert back at his chandler's shop, he learns the seller, a Captain Webster, has taken to the bottle and should expect to get a low price for the ship, which is not the best of bargains anyway. He also finds out that Webster has an unmarried daughter who looks after him, and a plan begins to form in his devious mind. He asks Robert to come in with him on the purchase of the ship --- a partnership. When Robert asks what in, he tells his brother he intends to use the ship for a trading voyage which will return Robert's investment, but the chandler is dismayed, saying that the ship, the Charlotte Rhodes, is fit only for hauling coal, if that. James points out she was built by Frazer's shipyards, and that he builds ships to last.

When James, trying to convince Robert to not only part with the money but, in doing so, put up his shop as collateral, sees a broken wine cask on the floor he has a brainwave, and tells Robert that he intends to snatch the big wine contract Callon has with Braganza, the Portuguese wine merchant from whom he has just come. Robert is again aghast: how can James think of taking on a behemoth like Callon, who has the wine trade sewn up? Even if he somehow could, he warns James that Callon would "neither forget nor forgive". James, though, is looking at an opportunity not only to make money, and his mark, but to rub his ex-employer's nose in his new success, and he is on fire with the idea.

He goes to look over the ship, then proceeds on to Webster's house, to discuss the sale of the schooner. Unfortunately for him, the captain remembers that Onedin's late father cut off his credit at the chandler shop, and he is not well disposed towards the son of the man whom, he says, allowed his ships to rot. James names a price much lower than the asking, and Webster explodes, but it is clear that it is his daughter, Anne who is the one driving the negotiations and she can see a way. She proposes marriage, with the ship given as a dowry, and though James is wary of the idea, he realises this is the only way he can get the Charlotte Rhodes and agrees. His family are less happy at the idea, but the deed is done.

James approaches Robert again, asking him to go into partnership with him. This time, he says over his brother's protestations, it will cost him nothing and he shall share in half of the profits of the voyage, and so, unable to see a catch, Robert agrees. Anne is less than happy until James explains to her that he intends to make money from the agency of the goods he returns, not the goods themselves. Robert is not entitled to any share of the profits from the agency, only the goods, and anyway, he has also signed up unwittingly to shoulder the debts James has accumulated. When it comes time to pay his crew, or rather, pay their wives back on land while James is at sea, it will be Robert who will have to put his hand in his pocket, a pocket which may very well be empty by the time James returns!

Meanwhile, Callon, Onedin's former employer, believes he knows what Onedin is up to. The Braganza contact is due for renewal, and he has seen that James bought the schooner Charlotte Rhodes and is even now having her readied for sailing. He sends a spy to find out when she is due to depart, and reacts by sending one of his fastest clippers to Lisbon, to beat James there and have the contract inked before the Charlotte Rhodes has even made it into port. Albert Frazer, son of the shipbuilder, comes aboard the ship, ostensibly to offer his congratulations on the upcoming marriage of Anne and James, but it's clearly a ploy to enable him to see the youngest Onedin, Elizabeth, who is smitten with him as soon as she sees him. James tells him that he has no chance: his sister is engaged to Daniel Fogarty, a ship's Mate who is due back soon, but Frazer mentions that should Onedin help him win Elizabeth's affections, an alliance with the biggest shipbuilder in Liverpool could surely be to his advantage. Cogs begin to whir in James's mind once again.

James arrives in Lisbon, and joins Callon and Senor Braganza, where the wine merchant has been given the offer of a pretty unbelievable discount to induce him to sign the new contact, but no matter how much he drops the price he can't better Onedin's, because the newcomer says he will carry all Braganza's wine free. Callon can't believe it and thinks his ex-captain has taken leave of his senses. Onedin however requests that, as part of the new contract Braganza signs with him, the Lisbon merchant makes him his sole representative in England. In addition, James will collect and ship all of Braganza's empty wine casks back to him. It is here he intends to make a profit, by helping Braganza cut out the hassle of paying several different shippers to return the casks and instead having to deal only with one person. Delighted at the bold new offer, Braganza agrees, and James has his first customer. In addition, as he intended, he has sweetened the taste of victory by snatching one of Callon's oldest and most important clients from under the shipowner's nose.

The last lines in this episode are telling, and speak volumes of James Onedin's unbridled ambition and unshakeable faith in himself. When he tells Braganza that he will collect all the wine merchant's empty wine casks in his warehouse, and Braganza, interested, leans forward and asks "Oh? You have a warehouse?" Onedin's confident reply is "I will have."



QUOTES
James: "The ship that will drive into the wind has yet to be built!" Here, Onedin is explaining to Callon how all sailors, no matter their experience, are at the mercy of the wind as there are only sailing ships on the sea. His comment however presages a change coming, when steam, only in its infancy in the closing decades of the nineteeth century, will emerge as a superior alternative to sail.

James: "One day I'll give you a lesson in business, Mister Callon." Perhaps surprising even himself, James will fulfil this prophecy sooner than he expects.

James (to Anne): "You should know that in matters of business, I give nothing away!"

James (about himself): "Oh aye: ambition enough for an army of Napoleons!"

Callon (about Onedin): "By god, I'll drive him off the high seas!"

Anne: "Ive less desire for widowhood than spinsterhood, James. We sink or swim together."

James: "If men married for beauty alone, there'd be a power of lonely women in the world."

Braganza: "Where does a man in my position place his trust? That is the question I must ask. In you, Senor? In all the years of our business your rates have always gone up, never once come down. Until now. Suddenly, you will serve me at any price. But is it to serve me? I think not. To drive new competition, with new ideas of service, off the seas: that is I think your intention. But when the competition is no more, what will happen to your charges then?"

A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE
Despite its romantic connotations, life at sea was, certainly in the nineteenth century, a hard business. The pay was not great, and the dangers were. Seamen could expect to be treated harshly and with little or no attention to their comfort, not to say their safety, with the bosun or Mate barking orders at them like a Sergeant Major at drill time. In this section I'll be looking at how tough a life it was when you decided to sign onboard a ship, the dangers you could face and the rewards, if any, that there were.

It becomes clear that, as there is nowhere to spend your wages at sea --- unless it's a long voyage and you stop off somewhere --- seamen's wages are paid directly to their wives, back onshore. This may seem an odd thing, out of keeping with the tenets of the nineteeth century, where men controlled the purse strings and women had to ask for an allowance for the house, but it makes perfect sense. A life at sea is a dangerous business, and many men do not come back. While they're away, at least their families can eat and pay their bills, though it is seen later than should a man die while on a voyage, the callous rules of the time state that his wife (now his widow) only gets paid up to the day he died. Pragmatic, yes, but hard.

It will also be seen later that, far from keeping the household going and keeping body and soul together, like many who struggle and once a month get a wage, many of the wives spend more of their husband's salary in the pub than in the grocers. Some things never change.

This idea though of paying the wives while the men are at sea would seem to suggest that the women then were in something of a position unique to their sistern, being the ones with money and a level of power, and so possibly more independent than, say, the wife of a carter or a publican. Of course, they also stood to lose the most, as if their husband were to die at sea they would be poorhouse-bound, and this fear usually resulted in an anxious wait and vigil once the ship their man was serving aboard was sighted on its way home. Mind you, survival was not the only thing they wished for: should their breadwinner come home injured, crippled or otherwise unable to set sail again, their lives could easily take as bad a turn as if he had been lost at sea, for there was no home for old sailors, and few jobs these men could do, or would be hired to do.

FAMILY
At its heart, "The Onedin Line" is a family saga, centred around the eponymous family but also brining in the Frazers and the Callons as well as others. As the series progresses I'll be delving into the relationship between both the family members in one clan and their impact on others they come into contact with, whether as allies or rivals, sometimes bitter enemies, sometimes the one turning quickly to the other.

ANNE
Showing herself to be something of a breaker of moulds for a nineteenth-century single lady, it is Anne who drives James to promise to marry her, in return for getting the ship at his asking price, and with the addition of her becoming, through the wedding, an equal partner in the venture. She puts it pragmatically thus: "I've little taste for penury (poverty): one day my father's weakness will assuredly drive him to his grave and I shall be left penniless. At best I will be constrained to survive on the charity of friends, at worst it will be the poorhouse. I can assure you I have little fancy for either. You understand my problem?" James nods. "Security." She confirms. "In return for the ship." James admits "I won't hide it from you, Miss Webster: I cannot put up surety." She goes on. "And then there is my father to be considered. He's a weak and foolish old man, but I would not see him destitute. There is only one form of partnership that would ensure the sort of security I require. And the ship would not cost you one penny piece: as a dowry. There is only one way a woman may escape poverty, Captain Onedin..."

Several things are clear from this offer. One, that Anne understands how the world works. In a tough century like the nineteenth she has little to look forward to when her father dies. Few if any positions are availble to a woman, as we shall see later, and an unmarried woman carries a stigma all her own, the moreso if she is older than can reasonably be expected by society. The second thing is that she believes in James, sees in him a future, sees his ambition and his determination to realise that ambition: "I see you and failure as strange bedfellows", she tells him archly, already laying the foundations for the bedrock of trust that will sustain their marriage. Third, she realises the position James is in, and that she has the upper hand. Though he did not come to her door as a suitor, or indeed even contemplating the idea of marriage (or, as the late Douglas Adams more succinctly put it, the merest thought had not even speculated on the possibility of crossing his mind) it now seems the only road open to him, and she knows (or gambles) that as an astute businessman and having been thrown a lifeline, James will grasp the opportunity, no matter how unusual and how unsettling the idea, in order to get what he wants. She obviously sees quite clearly that James Onedin is a man used to getting that which he desires.

She does reveal insecurity about herself though, on her wedding night when she tells James she wishes she was as beautiful as his sister, and gets upset, but James, in a somewhat uncharacteristically gentle moment, tells her he did not marry her for beauty alone, and she feels comforted.

ELIZABETH
The youngest member of the Onedin family, and the only girl, Elizabeth is at the start doe-eyed about love and romance, and frowns on James's marriage of convenience to Anne, but as the series progresses she will begin to learn the harsh ways of the world, and will herself enter into marriages which will become loveless and more about money than romance. It is almost amusing to see how she starts out here, and how she ends up by the time the series has run its course. Nevertheless, after James she was always my favourite character, and she does much to assert the role of a strong, dominant woman in the show as time goes on.

ROBERT
The elder brother, it was to him that their father left the chandler's shop on his death, perhaps because he believed Robert was the more level-headed of his two boys, the one less interested in going to sea than putting food on the table. Robert is at heart a shopkeeper, and loath to sink his money into what he would term as foolhardy ventures. This is why he refuses to loan James the money to buy the Charlotte Rhodes when his brother asks him to go into partnership with him, forcing James into the secondary compact with Anne. His wife, too, is to be taken account of, for she rules the roost and were Robert to have mortgaged the shop she would have gone mad. Robert does little without Sarah's approval, or even permission, though in time that will change.

James, for his part, looks down upon his brother as being a dull man, happy with his lot, unadventurous and reluctant to try to better himself. It's evident in the exchange they have about Robert expanding the business when James warns him that he who risks nothing gains nothing, but Robert is and will mostly remain a careful, not to say boring man. He loves his wife more than anything and he is not about to jeopardise their livelihood on one of his brother's mad schemes. However, when James has secured the ship and again approaches him to go into partnership with him in the maiden voyage, under his stewardship, of the Charlotte Rhodes, he can see no reason not to. James is after all asking no money upfront --- indeed, he gives Robert a hundred and fifty sovereigns as "a mark of good faith", to refit the ship --- and there seems little risk. He is less than pleased when he realises that he has also taken onboard the responsibility of James's debts, which, as the older brother is at sea, he must deal with. And when the voyage --- the only one in which he is entitled to a share of the profits --- shows none, he is further incensed, realising too late that he has been played by his wilier, more cunning brother who, despite Robert's assertions of his being the cannier businessman, has traded him right out of pocket.

HISTORY LESSONS
Another thing the Onedin Line did well was to reflect and retell historical events, and where these converge with the storylines I'll be talking about them.

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TIGHTFIST
If you thought Monty Burns was a miser and guarded his money jealously, read here about how James Onedin counts literally every penny and makes sure not one is wasted. Charity is a word unknown to James, and he exists only to make a profit, the fatter the better.

This is best illustrated in his fooling Robert into taking on his debts while he is at sea, something we will see in the second episode, and the money he leaves for his brother to "cover expenses" is not nearly enough. Not only that, but he holds his wedding reception onboard the ship and as soon as he can get everyone off he's weighing anchor to head to Lisbon. Not a man to delay when there's a profit to be made!

Although he loves making money he also knows the old maxim, "you've got to speculate to accumulate", and has such deep faith in his own abilities that he truly can't see why Robert won't initially help him buy the Charlotte Rhodes. Robert, of course, knows nothing of his brother's plans and does not see things as he does. Had James explained what he was intending to do then perhaps the chandler would have loaned him the money, but James keeps his cards close to his chest, trusting no-one. It's not even clear if he reveals his plan to collect and return Braganza's empty wine casks to his wife. He also sees possible profit in helping Albert Frazer woo his sister, something he would have no interest in did it not afford him some return.

CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY
Here I'll be looking into the mind of James Onedin and seeing what makes him tick: money mostly, almost exclusively. But like the entrepreneurs of today, he is always on the lookout for the next big thing, the next opportunity to extend and consolidate his business empire. Even when he has nothing, he has big ideas.

Speaking to Robert about the new ironclad sailing ships, and how he should try to supply them, he is met by his brother's gloomy and defeatist claim: "The owners would never buy from a little man like me. And how could I afford fancy kickbacks to the masters?"
"The owners will buy", James tells him, with iron conviction, "where they can show best profit." Robert sneers.
"There's a sight more to business than just buying and selling, you take my word for it."
James: "Look: I buy, I sell. Wherein lies the profit?"
Robert: "In between."
James: "No, Robert, profit lies with the man who possesses. The owner makes the profit, not the employee, however well paid!"
Robert: "Aye, and he stands to lose most."
James: "And the man who has nothing loses nothing. And lies in a poor man's grave. A poor man's funeral."
Elizabeth: "Will you be the better for lying in a rich man's grave, James?"
James: "Aye! For I'll have worked for it!"

As he sits down to negotiate the sale of the Charlotte Rhodes, Onedin mentions that in addition to going over the ship from stem to stern he has made enquiries as to the Websters' financial situation. When this is viewed with outrage by Anne, he tells her and her father "Business is a matter of negotation. Before one can negotiate with certainty it is necessary to fully comprehend the strengths and weaknesses of the other side."

When James's plan becomes clear we see how sharp his mind is. He knows he cannot beat Callon's clipper to Lisbon, but he knows he can undercut his rates to the bone --- in fact, carry the wine totally free --- due to his idea about the wine casks, something Callon has never even entertained. New blood brings new ideas, and Callon, though initially dismissive of James, must begin to see something of a threat to his monopoly from the new upstart. He has the clout though to ruin him, and James will need all his cunning and resolve if he is to survive his first few months in business.

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Season One, Episode Three

The gang head to Prague for Nidge's stag, and on their return are told Jimmy Byrne has come back to Ireland. Darren goes to meet Rosie, trying to talk to her about why he left --- well, not that; she knows why. But why he didn't ask her to go with him. It's possible that Darren knows he may end up getting killed when he goes after Jimmy and wants to set the record straight. WIth the aid of Tommie and Nidge they get Jimmy but he says it wasn't him. Not surprising, but when he mentions that he is sueing the prison over the attack Robbie made on him and stands to make a hundred grand, Darren starts to believe him, and they let him go, now no wiser as to who killed Robbie.

John Boy however is not happy: he doesn't think Darren should have let Jimmy go, and so when Huey offers to sort him out, he gives his tacit approval. He will be out of the country anyway, so no suspicion can fall on him. Huey enlists the aid of an itinerant who owes him money to help him carry out the hit, while Darren tries to make Rosie see that they could start again: he doesn't care whose baby she's carrying, he says he would love the child as if it were his own. Huey and the tinker, Martin, go to Jimmy's house and shoot him in front of his wife and baby, while Stumpy is searching through Rosie's personal effects and comes across pictures of her and Darren together. In a rage he beats her when she comes home, putting her in the hospital.

In the wake of Jimmy Byrne's killing, the usual suspects are rounded up and the gang all find themselves in the station, though their slimy lawyer gets them out within a few hours. On his release, John Boy, who has just flown back into Ireland, is enraged when he sees the newspaper headline about the slaying. So this is how his brother does things quietly, is it? He then has to help Stumpy when Rosie's unconscious body is found in his house; John Boy lets him use one of his apartments to lie low for a while.

The enormity of what he has done is beginning to sink in for Huey and he's starting to panic. John Boy tries to calm him down, but Huey is reading reports that John Boy may want to now rid himself of the liablity Huey has become, and even though his brother reassures him this is not the case he worries. He goes back to see Martin, gets him drunk and then uses his favourite method of violence, a cueball wrapped in a sock, to try to find out who Martin has been talking to, where the papers got his name. However his interrogation methods are rather too severe and Martin won't be talking again. Ever. Huey rings his brother and on his instructions burns the caravan Martin was living in. During the course of their conversation Huey confesses to John Boy that it was in fact he who shot Robbie.

John Boy goes off the deep end, especially when he learns that his brother committed murder over a paltry sum of 300 Euro! But there is nothing he can do about it now: the mystery has been solved, and a man died for nothing. John Boy's name has been splashed across the headlines for a killing that need not have taken place had Huey just confided in him sooner. Even knowing it was him who had killed Darren's brother, he still shot an innocent man (well, innocent of this crime, anyway) in cold blood and risked the wrath of the law coming down upon them.

Darren goes to see Rosie in hospital, then calls John Boy. He's finally put two and two together. Who was the only one --- the only one --- who said he had heard it was Jimmy Byrne who killed Robbie? And who then made sure that Jimmy could not refute this by killing him? He knows now who really killed his brother, and John Boy or no John Boy, he's going to be out for revenge.

FAMILY
Far from "having each other's backs", as they would like to think they do, the gang care little about each other. John Boy and Huey, being brothers of a sort, probably have a bond but as far as the rest go it's just like "guys at the office", and this is epitomised when Huey asks if Darren is going to kill Jimmy, now that he's back. John Boy says "I don't give a bollocks what he does!" They will obviously help Darren get revenge for the killing of his brother, but only because they can't allow such a slight to one of the gang members to go unpunished; they don't even care if Jimmy is the right man. Somebody has to pay, and they're not really fussy who. When they hear about his return, John Boy mutters "Dead man walking, that's what he is!" but he doesn't truly give a damn; he just knows that Darren will not shirk what he sees as his responsibility and duty, and truth to be told, it might reflect badly on the gang (and on him) were Darren not to take revenge, which would be seen as his right. But other than that, John Boy, like the rest of them, could not give a damn what happens to Jimmy Byrne.

What is interesting is that once they let Jimmy go, believing he is telling the truth when he says it wasn't him, John Boy and Huey are not satisfied. In their eyes, the fact that Jimmy was going around saying he was the one who killed Robbie (though this is second-hand hearsay; they never personally heard him say this) is damning evidence enough to convict him. Not only that, but John Boy now worries that the reputation of the gang --- his reputation --- will be tarnished when it gets around that they had Jimmy and then let him go. When you cross John Boy, or one of his gang, you're usually not expected to walk away.

Stumpy is annoyed that Darren came on the trip to Prague, both because Darren steered clear of all the prostitutes they partook of --- and he believes he knows, or suspects why --- and also he possibly thinks that Darren may be reporting back to Rosie about Stumpy's behaviour while away, either to show her how much better a catch he is, or just to drive a wedge between them.

Darren is mildly annoyed when Mary suggests Tommie accompany them to the swimming baths as a "family day out" with Nidge, Trish, Warren and her kids. Darren says carefully, "Tommie isn't family." And he never will be, unless somehow he ends up marrying Mary. The implication could not be clearer: though he may be a mate, a comrade-at-arms, a work colleague, a fellow gang member, just sleeping with Darren's sister does not qualify him as family. In truth, this actually says a lot more about how upset Darren is with his sister. Though he has brushed off the idea, it does bother him and the moreso that it was Mary Tommie was in bed with when he was supposed to have been picking up Robbie, which led indirectly to the death of Darren's brother.

When Huey reveals to John Boy that it was he who shot Robbie, though his brother is furious he still makes sure that Huey is covered. He almost laughs when Huey tells him the piddling sum of money, in comparison, that Robbie owed Huey and which he shot him over, but he worries what will happen when Darren susses out what has happened. Apart from himself, and as we will see later his daughter, there's only one other person in the world whom John Boy cares about, and he'll move heaven and earth to make sure he's protected.

HONOUR AMONG THIEVES?
Despite the fact that he has little but contempt for the man, John Boy realises that Stumpy is better under lock and key than roaming the streets. His attack on Rosie is bound to draw unwelcome attention, and he knows too that Darren will be on his trail once he finds out what happened. This is the only reason he shelters him. Were there no blowback that could hit John Boy he would let Stumpy hang, but here the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, and he feels the best thing he can do is get Stumpy hidden away before someone comes looking for him.

When Trish pushes Nidge to tell Darren about Rosie he is reluctant, muttering that he doesn't want to get involved. It's darkly hilarious, as he's been in tougher situations than this, but when there's nothing to be personally gained (and a lot to lose, if John Boy were to find out he grassed Stumpy) he's not interested. Even when Trish snaps that Rosie might die, he just claims his phone is out of power; he does not want to be the one to break the news to Darren. In some ways too, he probably figures that where Rosie is concerned, Darren is more a loose cannon than he is, and when that cannon goes off, anyone in the vicinity is likely to get hurt.


MIRROR, MIRROR
Again we see the dichotomy between what the gang do and the face they can present to the world at large. Nidge and Trish go to an upmarket hotel to book their wedding reception, like any other couple, and the hostess has no idea what the groom really does for a living. If she did, that plastic smile would soon leave her face! She's no doubt surprised when, asking for the two thousand Euro deposit, after Nidge makes a face, he then fishes in his pocket and counts out two grand in cash!

LETTER OF THE LAW
John Boy's lawyer explains to him that, while he may worry that any property he should buy with his ill-gotten gains can be seized by the CAB (Criminal Assets Bureau), John Boy is entitled to sue for a settlement, and the usual outcome of these is that the State can only hold ten percent of his assets back, the rest he gets back himself. He grins and tells John Boy "It's a tax clearence certificate!"

ONE CUEBALL SHORT OF A FRAME
Huey is thinking about setting up a debt collection agency --- "Call it Repo Man ---whaddya think?" --- God help anyone who fell foul of his mercurial temper! We learn why Huey's nickanme is Cueball, when John Boy points to blood on Huey's shirt and a sock also covered in blood on the floor, and Huey shrugs. "Some English thick was singin'! I got the cueball." The intimation from this is that he put a cueball in his sock and made a weapon of it, then pounced on the --- probably unsuspecting --- poor singer. This is later proven when he uses the same trick on Martin. The fact that Huey thinks nothing of this violent, unprovoked act speaks volumes about the kind of psycho he is.

When John Boy is berating Darren for having believed Jimmy Byrne and let him go, Huey steps up for the job, says he could do it on his own. He doesn't care whether the guy killed Robbie at all --- in fact, by the end of the episode we know the truth --- but it's just another opportunity to exorcise some violence out of his system. If there's one thing Huey loves it's breaking heads, bones, fingers, legs. Also, he may feel some sense of displaced loyalty to his brother, and want to sort out this problem for him so that John Boy's image is not tarnished. In reality though he's protecting himself, as he knows that it's him all along who is the killer.

Huey of course screws up. Instead of luring Jimmy to a deserted place and plugging him, he and his cohort go charging in, literally, all guns blazing, and shoot him in front of his wife and child. Later, Huey tries to atone for this by killing Martin, after unsuccessfully trying to get information out of him, and when he tells John Boy that he was the one who killed Robbie, over a mere three hundred Euro, his brother laughs harshly: he knows this is the sort of thing he's come to expect from his psychotic brother. But he may have gone a step too far this time.

There's an almost tragicomic moment after Huey has beaten Martin to death, and the itinerant is lying there dead, his lips fixed in a rictus grin. Recalling the annoyance he felt with JP last episode, Huey glares down at him and asks him why is he smiling at him? A moment later the penny drops and he begins to panic, but that tiny scene encapsulates Huey perfectly: after beating someone to death he's more concerned that he's being laughed at than at the deed he has just perpetrated.

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(Note: I should point out this is NOT the current US version with Kevin Spacey, but the original BBC version broadcast in the 1990s.)

I've always enjoyed a good political drama. "The state within", "A very British coup", "The politician's wife" and to a lesser extent, "The West Wing" were all shows I got thoroughly invested in, which is odd when you think about it, as I am in no way a political animal. Oh, I watch the news and keep up with what's happening, but I'm no more interested in politics than the next guy or girl. But I suppose in the same way that I abhor the activities of the IRA or am an atheist, I can enjoy a show or film on either subject without having to subscribe to its ideals.

But really, at its heart the thing about political drama is that it is, despite what you might think, interesting. The lengths some people will go to achieve their ends, good or bad, can be really shocking and/or illuminating, depending on what those ends are. So when this series began showing on I think it was UK Drama at the time, I watched it and quickly got sucked in. Much, almost all of that, if I'm honest, was due to the stunning acting of the late great Sir Ian Richardson in the main role, and of course to the writing of Michael Dobbs.

House of Cards is a trilogy, although originally the book was not intended as such. Dobbs had to write the other two novels more or less specially for the BBC, who had dramatised the first one but decided not to end it as the writer had intended, with the death of Richardson's character, and I must say on the basis of what I have seen this was a masterstroke, because there is so much more than one book in this story.

Francis Urquhart (pronounced "urk-it") is the Chief Whip in the Conservative Party when the drama opens. For those who don't know, a Chief Whip is a member of the party who makes sure the other members toe the line, making sure they vote when needed and ensuring their continuing loyalty to the party and the leader. In simple terms, if you think of the MPs (Members of Parliament) as schoolchildren, the Chief Whip is the teacher, or perhaps the head teacher. Most fear him, many respect him and he wields considerable power within the party. But this is not enough for our man, and he has designs on the top job. Nothing particularly ground-breaking about that, you say.

But Urquhart has a dark past, and will do anything and everything to make sure it stays in the past, and dark. There are "indiscretions" from his youth which, if made public, might spell the end of his career, never mind his push for Prime Minister. The series takes place just after the tenure of Margaret Thatcher, and Urquhart always feels in her shadow, the moreso when he has to attend the unveiling of a statue in her honour. He wants to make his own mark, and is happy to do anything that helps him reach his goal.

The sheer, unbridled lust for power and the exercise of control over others are trademarks of Urquhart; he's a man who tells others how it is, and if they don't agree with him he is more than able to break them, in some cases literally. He has no compunction whatever about climbing the slippery ladder to the top, hurling those in front of him down the scaffold where they fall in a mounting heap of corpses, both figurative and literal. But apart from his desire for political power, he also has sexual predelictions which his wife not only understands, but supports, and as people are brought into his world he tests them to see if they are worthy, if not they end up just another corpse on the pile.

Something the series does very well is that Richardson will often "break the fourth wall", speaking in asides to the audience, like when he's going in to the House of Commons he turns to the camera and talks about how much fun Prime Minister's Question Time is. He also makes some darkly dramatic soliloquies, like an actor on the stage. There is not a lot of incidental music in the show, so that when some is used it has more of an effect than if it were constantly running through the programme.

Though each part of the trilogy takes place more or less as a self-contained show, that is, one does not lead directly into the others, certain elements from the previous ones filter in to the next as the ghosts from Urquhart's past follow him from part to part, refusing to be silent and lie down, trying to destroy him. He is without doubt the central character in the series; everything revolves around him, and a supporting character list is best reserved for each part of the trilogy, as apart from his wife and one or two others most characters serve out their time in the first, second or third part of the trilogy and have little or no bearing on the next ones.

Like Rik Mayall's Alan B'Stard, being discussed in my reviews of "The New Statesman", already in progress, --- but without the laughs --- Francis Urquhart (often referred to as FU) orchestrates machiavellain plans that impact upon the lives of many, sometimes hundreds, thousands or even millions of people, and weaves around himself a web of murder, deceit, intrigue and infamy, with one of three goals in mind: power, the acquisition and then retention of it; self-preservation and that old chestnut beloved by politicans the world over, wealth. Little else matters to him, other than his sexual conquests, and even then he tires of these easily, seeing them more as challenges and an attempt to stave off the boredom of always being able to come out on top of any situation, through means fair (seldom) or foul (more often than not), and when he has wearied of his new toys he invariably tosses them aside and goes looking for a new diversion.

Nothing is outside his reach, and to give you an idea of his daring, the second part of the trilogy features his taking on of the King of England, facing down if not the most powerful then certainly the most popular and sacrosanct figure in Great Britain. Not since the time of Oliver Cromwell has a Prime Minister stood toe to toe with the ruling monarch and dared him to best him. But all that is to come. When we first meet Francis Urquhart, as I say, he is but a humble functionary, the Chief Whip, and though wielding a certain amount of power it is nowhere near enough to satisfy his lusts, and he thinks the position a waste of his talents. He decides to make a power play, and begins to set events in motion.

And that, my friends, is where our story begins...

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1.3 "Sex is wrong"

Alan is trying unsuccessfully to seduce Beatrice, his PR woman, unaware she is a lesbian. His attempts are interrupted by the arrival of Piers, and Alan, now bored, talks to him about the upcoming party conference, more about who he's planning to have sex with at the conference really. However in the end he finds out that Sir Stephen, recovering in hospital after a prostate examination, is heading a campaign to ban porn. Of course, this is a position diametrically opposed to B'Stard's own beliefs, and he is bored and disgusted at the idea, until he hears from Piers that the committee have to watch porn videos in order to decide on their eligibility for banning. Why, it's a pervert's dream! Sit through hours of adult video and not have to worry about who sees you, not have to hide it, be in fact praised for it? He's in!

When the Lady Virginia Emery arrives in his office and mistakes him for Sir Stephen, B'Stard goes along with the pretence as it gets him a cheque for a grand and an opportunity to publish the police photographs he has stolen from the committee meeting the previous day. Using her money he has a publisher put together her pamphlet, "Sex is wrong", along with the photos, which he intends to sell at the party conference. He knows he won't be found out, as Lady Virginia has told him she is averse to crowds and will not be able to attend.

Determined to make a profit, B'Stard then asks Sir Stephen to stump up another thousand, telling him they can get the pamphlet printed for a pound a copy, instead of the fifty pence it is actually costing. He tells the old MP that he has had a profound religious revelation and wants to bring Lady Virginia's "message of hope" to a wider audience. Lucky for him, Sir Stephen is also unable to attend the conference, but things take a turn for the worse when Lady Virginia finds out who he really is. She threatens to expose his duplicity, the moreso when she realises how her book has been perverted by the unscrupulous Thatcherite.

With typical slipperiness though, B'Stard manages to get himself out of this fix, by railing against pornography and championing "Sex is wrong" as the solution in his speech to the party conference. When the delegates here about the dirty pictures in the book there is a rush to buy. However though she has not been fooled by his act, something has been awoken in Lady Virginia and the frigid spinster suddenly feels like having sex. And if anyone is going to provide that sex, why it's going to have to be Alan --- if he wants to keep his secret, and his position.

QUOTES
Beatrice: "Alan I'm attracted to you, of course I am."
Alan: "Well who isn't?"
Beatrice: "But it would never work. I mean, what about Sarah?" (B'Stard looks blank) "Sarah, my old schoolfriend? You must remember Sarah. (Long pause) You're married to her!"

Piers (of Sir Stephen): "He's planning to discharge himself tomorrow."
Alan: "Really? After a prostate examination? That'll be a first!"

Alan (to Piers): "God! If your IQ was any lower you'd need watering, wouldn't you?"

Piers: "You know Sir Stephen is chairman of the Campaign for Moral Regeneration?"
Alan: "No I didn't. Mind you it makes perfect sense. It's a fine old English tradition, isn't it? Once you're too old and decrepit to do anything yourself you form a committee to stop anyone else doing it!"

Sir Stephen: "We'll reconvene in twenty minutes to look at the collection of pornographic photographs kindly lent us by the Metropolitan Police Commissioner from his personal collection. Ah, I mean, kindly lent to us personally by the Commissioner from the Metropolitan Police's collection!"

MACHINATIONS
Only someone as morally bankrupt as Alan B'Stard could come up with the idea of using the sale of a pamphlet that preaches against sex as a vehicle for selling porno, but not only that, he is able to twist around the idea to make it seem that the book does actually fulfil its intended purpose, using the depictions within the pages as the USP (Unique Selling Point: don't you watch "Dragons Den?") to ensure bumper sales!

WHAT IS LOVE?
BEATRICE PROTHEROE
No-one is safe from Alan's sexual intentions, but he doesn't seem to realise, or care, that his media guru is a lesbian, or maybe bisexual, and tries to interfere with her as they peruse some paperwork. He calls his wife frigid and says she's not interested in sex, again blissfully unaware that Beatrice knows the truth about Sarah! Indeed, as quoted above, when Beatrice mentions her Alan is hard-pressed to figure out who she is talking about!

LADY VIRGINIA EMERY
For once B'Stard gets used, though he probably doesn't mind: he still gets to get his end away. But the price for her silence about his nasty scheme involving her book is that Alan shags Lady Virginia, who up until then seems to have had no interest in sex at all, and a driving desire to stop others having it too.

C.A.S.H
Throughout the run of the series B'stard manages to have many cheques made out to cash, by pretending the payee is an organisation with the acronym that just happens to spell that word. This is the first instance, in which he asks Lady Virginia to make her cheque out to the Christian Approach to Spiritual Handbooks. C-A-S-H. Considering it's the first time he's used the ruse and he comes up with it on the spot, it's quite impressive. Later he will reel off names that make up the acronyn with the practiced ease of one who has done this so many times before. Some will be really quite clever.

PCRs
Alan tells Piers he is as welcome as Jeffrey Archer at the "Daily Star" Christmas party. As it was the "Star" taht caused Archer all that trouble by exposing his links with the prostitute, as explained previously, this does not seem a likely outcome...

THE USER AND THE USED
SIR STEPHEN
Again, B'Stard uses the name of the elderly politician to further his own ambitions. When he is mistaken by Lady Virginia for Sir Stephen, B'Stard does not correct her until he can see if there is profit in such subterfuge. And there is. Posing as Sir Stephen he finances the printing of the pamphlet and then sells it as a sex manual at the conference. However his scheme falls apart at the end. Typically though, B'Stard comes up smelling of roses.

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1.16 "Shadow"

Thankfully, after the crapfest that is "The Benders", we can sit back and enjoy the sort of quality story we're coming to expect from this show. Dean and Sam check out an apartment where a woman has been apparently killed --- in fact, torn to pieces --- without the alarm being tripped and with no sign of visible entry or exit. Considering the damage done, Dean thinks werewolf but Sam disagrees: the cycle isn't correct for lycanthropic behaviour, and besides, a werewolf would have demolished the place both getting in and out. Dean has an idea and uses masking tape to join up the pools of blood that are on the ground, and they look at the symbol thus formed, but neither recognise it.

Checking through their father's journals they have no further luck, then while at the bar where the girl who was killed worked, Sam runs into Meg again (see "Scarecrow") and though he acts glad to see her, he's suspicious. He hardly knows her, he met her while at his lowest ebb, leaving Dean to sort out the mystery of the killings in Burkitsville, and now, when she's supposed to be in California, here she is, "accidentally" bumping into him again at the very site of another possibly supernatural killing. He doesn't like it, but Dean tells him he's making something out of nothing. His older brother is probably biased by the fact that Meg is hot, too.

While Sam stakes out Meg's apartment Dean checks on her (at Sam's request; he doesn't think there's anything in it) and also the symbol they found. Meg seems to check out, but the symbol proves to be an ancient sigil for a dark demon from the Zoroastrian belief, something called a Daeva. Dean says they're powerful, nasty: he calls them "demonic pit bulls". He tells Sam they have to be summoned, conjured. They're ancient and savage, and very hard to control: they tend to turn upon the one who brings them forth. Dean whistles that it would appear there is some very dark magic at work, and a major force is in town. Sam watches Meg dress and leave her room, and follows her.

She enters what appears to be a camouflaged door which leads to an abandoned warehouse in which there is a black altar. She picks up a silver bowl filled with blood and again does her communication trick, as she did when hitch-hiking at the end of "Scarecrow". Again, only her side of the conversation can be made out, but she seems to warn whoever is on the other end of the line, so to speak, not to come yet as Dean and Sam are in town. She nods, and promises to be ready, then leaves. When she has gone Sam checks out the altar and sees several human hearts on it, along with some magical and ancient artifacts and drawn on the wall in blood the symbol they saw in the room where the girl was murdered.

When Sam gets back to the hotel and talks to Dean, his brother advises him that he has been checking into the other murder that happened prior to the one they are investigating --- or were; things seem to be about to take a much more important turn now --- and is dismayed to find that the victim was born in ... Lawrence, Kansas. Turns out the other victim also comes from there originally, so surely that can't be a coincidence? The place they lived as children, where their mother was killed by a demon, and now two other people from there are linked into this murder? Dean is all for capturing Meg and interrogating her, but Sam says they should stake out the black altar and see what turns up, see who or what she was talking to.

Considering how big this is, and how it's just possible that they're near the end of their quest, Dean calls their father and leaves a voicemail, hoping he will be able to come and help them. Meanwhile they assemble every weapon they can and head to the warehouse. Meg however seems to know they're there, hiding in the shadows as she carries out her ritual, and suddenly the Daeva --- assuming that's what it is --- forms as a shadow on the wall and knocks Sam to the ground while throwing Dean across the room.

When they come to they are tied to separate posts. Meg tells them there is no link between the two people; the fact that they were both from Lawrence was just a ruse, used to lure the two brothers to her. Those two people died for nothing, but Meg seems the type who's happy to kill for no reason. Then the real reason for trapping (and not killing) the two boys becomes apparent: this is not a trap for them, but for their father. Sam breaks free and nuts Meg, she goes down. He runs to the altar and overturns it, at which point the demons turn on Meg and drag her out the window to her death.

When the boys get back to their hotel they are overjoyed to see their father standing there. An emotional reunion ensues, but is broken when a Daeva attacks John, and we see Meg is not dead after all; she is standing in the street clutching a pendant with the Zoroastrian symbol and directing the attack. Sam throws a flare which destroys the shadows and thereby robs the demons of their power, as they can only exist in this world as shadows. Under the cover of the exploding flash of light they get out of the hotel, and though Sam wants their father to come with them, Dean reasons that it will be too dangerous: the demon used the brothers to get to their father already, knowing he's more vulnerable when he has to protect and worry about them. They can't let that happen again. Tearfully they part, their father telling them they will meet up again soon.

MUSIC
Little Charlie and the Nightcats: "You got your hooks into me"

Vue: "Pictures of me"


QUESTIONS?
Who is Meg, and who is she working for or with? Who is this "father" she speaks of? Can she really be the daughter of a demon?

The "WTF??!" moment
Has to be when the boys come back to their hotel and see the figure of their father standing there to greet them.

PCRs
Dean quips: "It’s Miller time!" Slogan of the Miller Beer company, as if you didn't know.

BROTHERS
We learn a lot more about what the quest means, separately, for each of the boys here. Sam just wants to find the demon that killed his mother, destroy it and go back to having a normal life. He's prepared to stick it out to the bitter end, but once they've achieved their goal he wants to draw a line under it, forget it and move on. Dean, on the other hand, has seen too many weird and evil things to be able to go back to any sort of a normal life, and anyway he's been hunting longer than Sam has, and has become used to it.

More than that: he's beginning to enjoy it. It's like an addiction, something he really can't live without now. When Sam says he can't wait till it's over, Dean says "It'll never be over", and there's a note of gratitude in his voice that says he doesn't want it to be over. "There's always gonna be something to hunt", he tells Sam, with more relief in his voice than horror. Dean has settled into the role of professional demon hunter over the last few years, and now it's a way of life for him. He can't imagine doing anything else. Even if they get the demon that killed their mother, he's prepared to keep hunting down evil things, whether they're connected to that demon or not. And he knows there is no shortage of evil supernatural beings in the world.

He honestly can't understand Sam's wish to leave it all behind; to him, there's nothing he wants more than to continue the life they're leading, with the exception of having their father join them and being then a trio of demon hunters. The elaborate facade Dean has constructed around his feelings begins to chip and break as we see a vulnerability in him here that we have slowly begun to notice creep in since his heart attack. He is upset that Sam would leave him, go back to his life. He's like a small child; he wants everything to stay as it is. In that respect, he is far the younger brother.

And yet, he's again taking charge and doing the adult thing by the end of the episode, when he realises that it's far too dangerous for their father to remain with them, and they must split up again. Sam wants their dad to stay with them, having not seen him for years, but that's understandable. Dean, of course, closer to his father but ready to shoulder the burden, takes up the cloak of adulthood and the mantle of the bigger brother and tells Sam this is the only way they can ensure their father's safety. No doubt John Winchester is proud of both his boys, but doubly proud of Dean for his pragmatic approach to the situation.

Sam is no doubt worried that he brought Meg down upon them by splitting with Dean back during "Scarecrow", but logic would suggest that if she wanted to find the brothers she would have found a way. Logic would also suggest that, not having died as we thought in the fall from the hotel window (the possible daughter of a demon killed by a simple fall? The very idea!) we should expect to see this hellion again, and the paths of the brothers will surely cross with hers in the future.

The ARC of the matter
This is a particularly arc-centric episode. We meet Meg again, the strange girl we first encountered in "Scarecrow", who turned out to be a lot more than she at first appeared. Here we see her setting a trap for the boys, or actually their father, and it seems obvious that her master/father --- whether the demon they are pursuing or another entity --- knows of John Winchester and his boys and is moving to try to stop them. We're thrown a curveball in the shape of the murder victims both being from the boys' hometown, but it turns out that's just a ruse to draw them in.

We also see, for the first time since the end of "Home", John Winchester on screen, and we see him briefly reunited with his boys. The reunion does not last long, however, and they must part ways again, but the boys' father warns them of dark days coming, and says he will be in touch.

1.17 "Hell House"

Sam and Dean come to Richardson, Texas, to investigate the tale of a supposedly haunted house in the woods where the very real police report says three girls saw another one hanged, and when the brothers talk to the girls they keep coming up with the one name, a guy called Craig. Questioning him, they are told about the legend of Mordechai Murdoch, who was a man who killed his daughters during the Great Depression, rather than let them starve to death. He then hung himself. Sam and Dean take readings from the location where the old house used to stand, and they do seem to get some activity. They go inside, and find that there are freshly-painted symbols on the walls, one of which seems familiar to Dean but he can't quite place it.

Then they hear voices, and ready for anything, run into two "ghost hunters", Ed and Harry. They are clearly fakes and Sam and Dean leave them to it, but Dean wonders why that symbol seems so recognisable? Researching the legend of Mordechai Murdoch they hit a blank wall, although they do come across a report on a Martin Murdoch who lived there in the thirties, but nothing untoward seems to have happened to or about him: he had no daughters, just two sons and neither died. The boys are beginning to wonder if they've come here on a wild goose chase?

However that night another girl dies, supposedly committing suicide by hanging herself, though it has been shown that she was dared to go into the "Hell house" by her friends and then a phantom appeared behind her and strangled her with the rope. When the brothers hear the news they realise that something is up: this girl was a good student with a great future ahead of her, hardly a suicide prospect. They gain access to the house that night by blowing the cover of Ed and Harry, who are skulking in the bushes and who the cops then chase, leaving the way clear for the boys. Inside they encounter the ghost and shoot at him, but to no avail and they have to run.

Sam points out that the ghost was carrying an axe and had slashed wrists, which does not fit in with the legend about him. He is beginning to form a theory, and the next day they head back to Craig's record store, where browsing through albums they come across one by Blue Oyster Cult, and Dean realises that the symbol that was fresh drawn on the wall of the Hell House is the logo for the band. He forces Craig to confess, and he admits it was all a hoax, set up by him and his cousin as a joke, but that now it appears to have taken on a life of its own, and called forth an angry spirit.

Up to now the brothers have been checking one of the websites Sam frequents, hellhoundslair.com, which has confirmed the Mordechai Murdoch story, but now when they check the story has been changed to reflect the fact that the ghost is now said to have slashed his wrists with an axe. Sam thinks the ghost may be a Tulpa, a Tibetan thought spirit. There is a story about monks envisioning a golem and it appearing, so perhaps if enough people believe strongly enough, on the web, the same thing could happen here.

They go to the trailer where Harry and Ed are running the website and they agree to shut it down, so that Dean and Sam can try to figure out how to kill the spirit. When it reappears again the best they can think of is to burn the house down: if Mordechai, or the Tulpa, is bound to haunt the house and they burn it to the ground there will be nothing left for him to haunt, and he should vanish. He does, and they hope he stays gone, unless someone else writes a new legend. But Ed and Harry now understand the danger of posting such information on their website, and will be much more careful. In fact, they've received a call from a movie producer to make a film about the spirit, and will in all likelihood forget about the site. Sam doesn't tell them that it was only him, pretending to be a movie mogul, who made the call.

MUSIC
Blue Oyster Cult: "Fire of unknown origin"

Blue Oyster Cult: "Burnin' for you"


The "WTF??!" moment
Meh, not really one. Maybe when it's revealed that the symbol on the wall is the BOC logo, but sure, any rocker worth their salt would have known that!

PCRs
Announcing the recommencement of the practical jokes, Dean grins "What's the matter Sammy, scared you're going to get a little Nair in your shampoo again huh?" This would appear to refer to the female hair removal cream "Nair", and one can only assume that at some point Dean mixed some in Sam's shampoo, though where girly leg hair cream came from among two guys is anyone's guess!

When they meet Craig and introduce themselves as journalists, he says he writes for his school magazine, to which Dean sneers "Well, good for you Morrisey." I can't be sure, but I think this may refer to the lead singer with the Smiths, Morrissey. Though the Smiths would not have been that big in the USA, so it could refer to something else? Also, I don't get the writer link, but that's all I got...

Ed, one of the self-proclaimed "ghost hunters", to his partner: " Be brave. WWBD. What. Would. Buffy. Do. huh?"You don't need me to tell you who Buffy is, do you? )

BROTHERS
When they were younger Sam and Dean were always playing practical jokes on one another. Here, their relationship has mellowed, from the point where they split in anger during "Scarecrow" to the coming back together and standing with their father of the previous episode, and it's almost like they're kids again. Sam changes Dean's radio station to a, well, not rock station, while Dean puts itching powder in Sam's shorts. Sam superglues Dean's drinking bottle so that it sticks to his lips and Dean ... and so it goes. I must say, to be perfectly honest it's all very immature and silly, and I guess it's meant to show that even in the depths of darkness and despair the boys can find something to laugh about, and it probably also holds back the fear and terror that must be reaching for them every night since their encounter with Meg. Still, I could have done without it. Never really saw the value of practical jokes myself.

Since they parted company with their dad the brothers have been using the website hellhoundslair.com for information and for leads on what to tackle next, which is how they end up in Texas looking for the missing girl (who is never found).

Notes: It seems that after "Shadow" the whole quality of the writing has slid, not as abysmally as on "The Benders", but this is sloppy. It's sort of back to monster-of-the-week and though the idea of propogating a legend and summoning a demon, almost, through the power of the internet is an interesting and sobering one, the resolution of the story smacks of boredom. They burn down the house. How original. I get very little from this episode and can only hope (can't really remember that far back now) that the next one gets much better, because, despite the chilling title which promises much and delivers little really, this is a serious slide in quality.

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1.4 "Traitor's Gate"

There are protests and riots at the news that US President George W Bush is to visit the UK, and during one such it turns out that one of the rioters is Peter Salter, an MI5 operative, something of a legend in his field. In fact, it turns out it was he who recruited Tom into the service. Zoe and Danny, observing the protest, advise the riot police to let him and the woman he is with go, but they are surprised and annoyed that they weren't briefed about another agent being involved in the operation.

When Ellie sees his gunshot wound Tom is forced to reveal who he really is. It's a lot to take in, but she tells him that he has to tell Masie, otherwise she will leave him. Harry tells Zoe and Danny that they did not --- categorically not --- see Peter Salter at the protest. When Tom challenges this Harry admits that he is running Salter in order to catch a worldwide anarchist called Istan Vogel. They meet with Jools Siviter, of MI6, and Harry is aghast to hear that the MI6 man is listening in on Salter's lodgings, without the Section D Chief's permission or even knowledge. Siviter defends this by saying that they were in fact bugging an anarchist's flat, mikes were all setup and Salter just wandered in: now they're listening in on him too.

As they now listen they hear Salter has told the girl, whose name is Andrea Chambers that he is an MI5 agent, but that he wants to change sides. He asks her to set up a meeting with Vogel, telling her he has a "dead ground map", a schematic of every major government installation and communication or military site. This should be something the anarchist cannot afford to pass up.Salter however notices the bug and destroys it, sending Andrea to a safehouse. Tom goes to meet Salter, telling him that he knows he's actually in love with Andrea, not just keeping his cover up. Tom is convinced that he is still on message though, and he gives Salter the go-ahead to continue with the operation. Then something Salter says changes his mind and he tells him he's shutting down the operation. He does however allow Salter to meet with Andrea and warn her to get out before the shutters come down.

Harry is not impressed when he hears what has happened, but he trusts Tom's judgement. Salter is of course under surveillance but he manages to throw Danny and Zoe off by phoning in a fake nuisance call to the police, who delay the two enough for him to make his escape with Andrea. As Tom feared, he's "gone native", and it wasn't an act at all. They're picked up by Vogel's operative, who brings them to a remote part of Wales and there they meet Vogel himself. Salter though is disappointed when he realises the paucity of the anarchists' ambition: he had expected they would assassinate Bush, whereas all they're going to do is block the main approach road so his cavalcade can't use it. Symbolic, not realistic; show not substance. And he has already handed over the dead ground map. He suggests something a bit more ... radical.

Harry tells Tessa he needs to use one of her sources, who is entrenched with a British anarchist movement, and sends Zoe to meet the guy, but it turns out Tessa is making up contacts and paying them, but pocketing the money. She pays Zoe to keep her secret. Salter has convinced the anarchists to take more direct action. They are going to compromise the flight approach for Air Force One so that it goes off course and crashes. He can use the dead ground map to identify blind spots in the CCTV of one of the universities, where Salter can then use the computers on campus, which have files on geological topography he can use to reset the terrain. They are discovered however and as the alarm is raised Salter tells the anarchists --- Andrea among them --- to get out and he will finish the job. He uses the university's powerful mainframes to alter the terrain on the approach, making it seem lower than it is. Bush's plane will crash right into it, believing the way ahead to be clear. It's something similar to what the terrorists did in "Die Hard 2", ten years earlier.

Just as he finishes inputting the data armed police storm the building and Salter is arrested. Tom and the others pretend they don't realise he has switched sides, and take his testimony as if they believe he is relating his part in the mission as he was supposed to be carrying it out. He wrongfoots them of course, saying he was taken to East Anglia instead of Wales, but Tom sees through it and Salter, tired and worn out from the concussion bomb blast gives in. During interrogation Tom gives him the option to come back to them, take a desk job, but Salter hangs himself. His plan however falls apart, unbeknownst to him, when the ATC computer develops a fault, air traffic control is offline and the president has to switch to landing at a different airport, making everything he did completely pointless, worthless and in the end futile.

Note: I must admit to being a little confused by the ending of this one. The whole "take Bush's plane down" plot is only discovered with about three minutes of the show remaining. Danny somehow susses it and mentions the lyric to "River deep mountain high", though I don't know where he heard this: he's shown having his "lightbulb moment" when one of the trainees says "Come on Danny, fly with me", so that's a little offbase. Then he thinks he's sussed that a virus has been placed in the computer system to knock ATC offline. It hasn't: Salter was clearly shown as using the software to intentionally lower what the system saw as the relative heights of the surrounding terrain, which made sense.

Now, when the computer DOES shut down, I thought, oh well that means that when it comes back up it'll have rebooted and installed the new information, so maybe that was meant. But then the episode ends, as we hear that due to ATC going down Air Force One has had to be redirected. So, what caused the system to crash? Are we meant to believe it was one of those "quantum butterfly" instances, where something just happened? Is it meant to be fate, God laughing at the plans of men? Or did the fact that details --- important, critical, crucial details --- were altered trigger some failsafe in the ATC system that made it reboot in a sort of double-checking of the facts? We're not told, and to be fair I found it a very sloppy and unsatisfactory, and rushed, ending to what had been up till then a pretty fine episode.

In fact, (although I'd seen it before it's been a while) I thought that it was even possible, given the minimal time left on the episode, that it might carry over into a two-parter. Which might have been better, given the resolution we got. Very disappointing really. Not at all typical of the fine writing we have come to expect from this series.

And isn't that...?
Spooks right from season one was attracting some big names. Jenny Agutter and Peter Firth were already well established actors, but the guest list over the years would see some interesting and sometimes unexpected names step up.

Hugh Laurie as Jools Siviter --- known for his roles in Black Adder and Fry and Laurie, and most famously and recently in House.

Anthony Stewart Head as Peter Salter --- mostly known for his portrayal of Giles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Harry's World
How he deals with Danny hacking in to upgrade his credit rating, as we saw last episode, is rather human, as he explains: "I wanted you to work this out, Danny, to get it through your system, this thing you have with money --- particularly money you don't have. We all have our little quirks, and ingenious theft like breaking in to computers to set your own credit rating is not a huge sin. It's an impulse which creatively channeled could be used to brilliant effect. Sadly, in your case, it has not. Yet. But I am going to protect you. Now because of Mr. Salter in the next few days we'll all be in the spotlight, and the Menders will be sent in to vet us to the very backs of our eyeballs. So you are now owning up, aren't you? Then give me the cards, you bloody idiot! Punishment: office staff training, for as long as it takes. Punishment reforms: the kind I dish out does."

The Mind of a Terrorist
Salter: "You've got to understand: I am the thing the security service fears the most. A spy who goes through Traitor's Gate willingly, and embraces everything he's been trained to destroy. I want to be with you, I want to be one of you. I've learned from you there is a world elsewhere."

On meeting Vogel, having previously asked the question "Bush, are we gonna pop him or what?" he is told: "We're going to occupy the mall, so Bush can't drive up it to the state banquet with the Queen." He tells them "Special Forces will mash you to bits", but they reply "We're not afraid of a fight. We found out where the gas main crosses the Mall. We just need to hold out long enough to dig down, set it alight. The disruption will be bigger than Stockholm."

It's clear Salter was expecting something much more radical, more defiant, and now that he knows this is all the "great anarchist" is capable of, he more or less disowns him and his band. Although Vogel probably doesn't really belong here in this section, as he's not technically a terrorist, it speaks more to the mindset of Salter, and there's of course a very thin line between patriotism and terrorism.

Salter, when asked why he betrayed all he held dear, not to mention his country: "Boredom. Crippling, chest-tearing, bum-clenching boredom. It's what this country has become: buy, sell, image. Credit card Nirvana. When the Soviet Union was cracked, we thought yeah, we got something. My father died for it: democracy. Now there's nothing. It's all gone. It's dead. No-one believes in anything any more. Then there was Andrea. This posh girl, turning herself inside out for what she believes. Passion for a new life; nearly broke her, but she's in good faith. I always thought that about you, Tom: you're in good faith."

Rivalries
Jools Siviter makes the distinction between MI5 and MI6 clear: "Are we going to have to come over the river and potty-train all your people? MI6 runs operations abroad, MI5 at home. English Channel, Calais, foreign bods and jolly south we take care. White cliffs of Dover, all British, Irish and assortments north, your concern."

He has little regard for Tom, as evidenced by his retort when the MI5 man says something: "Oh Tom, you spoke! So good to see you working on your skills!"

Harry however shows that MI5 are not without their resources. As Tom asks "Who's the girl?" referring to Andrea, and Jools sighs "Oh please! Can we all be up to speed?" Harry reels off the following information:
"Andrea Chambers, 25, no college, sushi bar co-owner, mother's money. Bar failed. "It" girl around town, weekend on a Yorkshire commune, never looked back since."

Siviter admits some grudging admiration for MI5, both for Salter when he asks wonderingly "How do these bastards in the field do it?" and for Harry, when, learning of the plan with the dead ground map, he remarks "Bloody imaginative for you, Harry!" Though he has to add a little cutting comment "I hope you've thought it through..." It's clear though that he wishes this had been his plan.

Jools wants to interrogate Salter, but Harry asserts his judisdiction: "Jools, until you and your cronies give me the push, this is my department. Tom will be the quizmaster."

Big Brother is watching!
As Tom, Harry and Jools (sorry he's not called Dick, but there you go) discuss the mission out in the street, a shabbily-dressed man passes and exchanges greetings with them. Only a few seconds later do we see him look back with a serious expression on his face. He is obviously more than he appears to be.

Jools takes them to a shop, where he tells the owner time to close up, and they go in the back. It leads to an observation station setup in the back room.

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Season 1: "Three million years from Earth..."

1.6 "Me2"

(As mentioned, this episode title is written like the mathematical sign for Me squared, though I suppose at a stretch it could also be called "Me too"... also as mentioned in the previous episode, this follows on directly from "Confidence and Paranoia", picking up at the very scene that one ended, and as such is the first two-parter, though the episodes are named separately. It's also the season finale.)

Holly's joke: We have enough food to last thirty thousand years but we've only got one "After Eight" mint left. And everyone's too polite to take it.

With the arrival of the second hologram of Rimmer (see previous episode, Confidence and Paranoia), Lister and Rimmer are preparing for the parting of the ways. Rimmer is going to move in with the duplicate him, next door, while Lister will remain in the cabin they have shared since he emerged out of stasis to find that he was the last human being alive. While sorting through their things and deciding what belongs to who, Lister comes across a video, which Rimmer tells him is a record of his death, which he had had Holly make for him. Lister shakes his head...

Lister helps Rimmer move out (the sooner the better, as far as he is concerned!), and then retires to their, now his, cabin, where he promptly proceeds to do all the things that used to get on Rimmer's nerves: he cracks his knuckles, he grinds his teeth, he leaves the top off the shampoo and squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle. Then he finds Rimmer's death video, and on watching it hears Rimmer's last words as he dies: "Gazpacho soup!" He is most perplexed as to what this might mean, and determines to find out.

Meanwhile, next door the new Rimmer drives the other hard, pushing him to the limit as they exercise. Each tries to outdo the other in setting an ever earlier time to rise, and when they have settled on a rising time of 04.30, the time being 02.00, the new Rimmer pushes the old to revise instead of going to bed. Wandering the corridors of Red Dwarf at 05.00, Lister asks Rimmer about Gazpacho soup, but the hologram will not tell him what it means, which only makes Lister more determined to find out. He slips into Rimmer's quarters and finds the hologram's diary, wherein he sees a day marked as Gazpacho Soup Day, the date 6 weeks before the crew were all wiped out.

Raised voices are soon heard next door, as the Rimmers, each as fundamentally unlikeable as the other, argue and then the original Rimmer comes back in to Lister, advising him that they have had a little tiff. From this point onward, Rimmer and Rimmer are at war, with the result that Lister is eventually driven to erase one of them. He uses "ippy dippy my space shippy" to decide, since it is otherwise impossible to divine which Rimmer should be deleted, and ends up picking the original. He orders him to report to the drive room in ten minutes for deresolution, and before they proceed he gets Rimmer to explain about Gazpacho Soup Day. Seeing that he is going to be erased anyway, Rimmer decides to tell Lister.

Having been fourteen years with the Jupiter Mining Corporation, Rimmer was invited to the Captain's Table for dinner, but when he was served Gazpacho soup he did not realise that it was supposed to be served cold! He complained to the chef, and got him to bring back the soup, heated up. The looks on the faces of the officers still haunt him, and he knew then he would never again eat at the Captain's Table. Lister tells him that it was a mistake anyone could have made, but he is not to be mollified. However, after having him spill his soul, Lister tells Rimmer that he has in fact erased the other Rimmer, but didn't tell this one because he wanted to get the truth behind Rimmer's last words.

Best quotes/lines/scenes

The parting of the ways:

RIMMER: "Ah, Lister, this is one the best decisions I ever made. No more you and your stupid, annoying face. No more you and your stupid, annoying habits."
LISTER: "Me? What did ]i]I[/i] do?"
RIMMER: "You hummed. Maliciously and persistently for two years. Every time I sat down to do some revision: MMMMmmMMmMmMMMmMMMMMMMmmm--"
LISTER: "Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?"
RIMMER: "Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me."
LISTER: "Like what?"
RIMMER: "Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray."
LISTER: "I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo."
RIMMER: "Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my Engineering Finals, I went swimming."
LISTER: "The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place."
RIMMER: "Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly."
LISTER: "Come on! That was a joke!"
RIMMER: "Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery."
LISTER: "It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With!"
RIMMER: "What are you talking about?"
LISTER: "I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night. Learn Esperanto While You Sleep.Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."
RIMMER: "We both got the same benefit."
LISTER: "Yeah, neither of us got any sleep. And what about the time you tied me hair to the bedpost and then sounded the fire alarm?"
RIMMER: "Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it."
LISTER: "I nearly needed brain surgery!"
RIMMER: "What brains? The point is you've always stopped me being successful. That's a scientific fact."
LISTER: "Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life."
RIMMER: "Oh, yes, I can."
LISTER: "See? It's always the same. You never had the right pens for your G.E. drawing. Your dividers don't stretch far enough."
RIMMER: "Well, they don't!"
LISTER: "See? In the end you can't turn around and say, I'm sorry I buggered up my life. It's all Lister's fault!"
RIMMER: "Well, I'm not, am I? I'm moving out. Out of Slob City and into Successville."
LISTER: "What, you mean next door?"
RIMMER: "It's not the place, Lister. It's the company. I'm about to share my life with someone who'll give me encouragement and understanding. The thrust and parry of meaningful conversation."

Lister watches Rimmer's death-video...

On the monitor the words: "A Tribute to Arnold J. Rimmer, BSc, SSc"
appear, accompanied by dramatic music.

HOLLY: "BSc, SSc?" What's that?
LISTER: "Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate. He's a total lunatic."
RIMMER: (On the video) "Hello. This video pays homage to a man who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing. Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments, there's going to be a lengthy tribute, interspersed with poetry readings, read by me."
LISTER: "Whoa-ho! Spin on!" (The video fast forwards.) "Okay, Hol. Put it in motion." (The video continues.)
RIMMER: (On the video) "...and if it hadn't been for those people who kept dragging him down, pulling him down, pulling him back..."
LISTER: "Spin on!" (The video fast forwards and continues.)
RIMMER: (On the video) "...if you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, he'd still be in Corsica, peeling spuds."
LISTER: (A mite peeved) "Spin on!" (The video fast forwards and continues.)
RIMMER: (On the video) "...we see the final moments of Arnold J. Rimmer."
LISTER: "Yes!"

On the video, Captain Hollister is in the Drive Room yelling at Rimmer who is standing at attention. A few random officers stand in the back.

HOLLISTER: (On the video to Rimmer) "Look, it was your job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!"
RIMMER: (On the video) "I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences." (Executes a Full-Rimmer salute.)

A blinding white light glares and everyone is blown across the room by a tremendous wind.

HOLLY: (On the video) "Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. Will Arnold J. Rimmer please hurry to white corridor 159. This is an emergency announcement."

We see RIMMER as he is thrown against a wall, screaming.

RIMMER: (On the video) "Aaaaaiiiiiiiuuuuurrrrghhhhh... Gazpacho soup!"

Rimmer pushes Rimmer...

The two Rimmers are exercising by squatting then leaping high into the air, throwing their arms above them.

RIMMER #2: "Stretch further!"
RIMMER: (Stopping) "And rest."
RIMMER #2: (Still jumping) "No! Keep jumping!"
RIMMER: (Jumping some more) "Absolutely. Keep on going. Through the pain barrier."
RIMMER #2: "Jump, jump, jump!"
RIMMER: (Stopping again) "And rest."
RIMMER #2: (Still jumping) "What are you doing, man?!"
RIMMER: "I'm resting! It's going all gray!"
RIMMER #2: "That's the pain barrier! Beat it!"
RIMMER: (Jumping awkwardly) "You're right. You're absolutely right. Keep it going."
RIMMER #2: (Stopping) "And rest."
RIMMER: (Collapsing) "Brilliant! That extra little bit.That's what it's all about."
RIMMER #2: "What time do we get up?"
RIMMER: "Oh, early! Half past eight?"
RIMMER #2: "No, earlier than that. Seven."
RIMMER: "How 'bout six?"
RIMMER #2: "No, half past four."
RIMMER: "That's the middle of the night!"
RIMMER #2: "You wanted driving. I'm driving you."
RIMMER: "Once again, Arnold, you're absolutely right. Holly, alarm call four-thirty in the morning. Make it the sonic boom, extra loud, emergency one."
HOLLY: "Yes, Arnold. And Arnold."

RIMMER starts to crawl into bed

RIMMER #2: "Uh, what are you doing, Arnold?"
RIMMER: "I'm going to bed, Arnold."
RIMMER #2: "But it's two in the morning! We can get in a couple hours of revision easily."
RIMMER: "But I'm getting up in a minute..."
RIMMER #2: "You take Power Circuits and Esperanto. I'll take Thermal Energy and the History of Philosophy."
RIMMER: (Getting up) "Fantastic! This is what I've always dreamed of! I'm in heaven!"
RIMMER #2: "Better than sex!"

Rimmer's diary:
LISTER: "My Diary, by Arnold J. Rimmer. January the first: I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year; a daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command, so that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers may seek enlightenment through these pages. It is my fond hope that, one day, this journal will take its place alongside `Napoleon's War Diaries' and `The Memoirs of Julius Caesar'." Next entry... (Flips ahead.) "July the seventeenth: Auntie Maggie's Birthday." (Flips ahead.) "November the twenty-fifth: Gazpacho Soup day!" That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out!"

Holly plays an "April Fool" joke on Lister:

HOLLY: "Busy, Dave?"
LISTER: "Well, yeah, I am, actually!"
HOLLY: "Oh. Then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us."
LISTER: "What?!"
HOLLY: "I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate."
LISTER: "No, Holly. Hol. Come on."
HOLLY: "They're from Earth."
LISTER: "That's three million years away."
HOLLY: "They're from the NorWEB Federation."
LISTER: "What's that?"
HOLLY: "NorthWestern Electricity Board. They want you, Dave."
LISTER: "Me? Why? What for?"
HOLLY: "For your crimes against humanity."
LISTER: "You what?!"
HOLLY: "Seems when you left Earth, three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
LISTER: "Did I?"
HOLLY: "You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
LISTER: "Yeah, they go mouldy."
HOLLY: "Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also, you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB."
LISTER: "Why NorWEB?"
HOLLY: "You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds."
LISTER: "A hundred and eighty billion pounds?!! You're kidding!"
HOLLY: (Wearing a Grouch-Marx glasses-nose-and-moustache) "April Fool."
LISTER: "But it's not April!"
HOLLY: "Yeah, I know. But I can't be waiting six months with a red-hot jape like that underneath me hat."

The Rimmers have a tiff:

RIMMER: (Hurt) "I'm not gonna stand here and take this abuse."
RIMMER #2: (Sneering) "Oh, yes, when the going gets tough, the tough go and have a little cry in the corner. You got a sponge for a backbone! No wonder father hated you!"
RIMMER: "That's a lie! A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!"
RIMMER #2: "Then why didn't he send you to the academy?"
RIMMER: "He couldn't afford it!"
RIMMER #2: "Oh! He sent all our brothers!"
RIMMER: "You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!"
RIMMER #2: "Face facts, man, nobody likes you! Not even Mummy!"
RIMMER: (Almost crying) "Mummy did like me! Mummy was just busy. She had a lot of meetings to go to."
RIMMER #2: "Twaddle!"
RIMMER: "You better watch what you say about my mummy! I'm a grown man and I'm not going to accept it."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting) "Oh, grow up, Mr. Gazpacho!!"
RIMMER: (Quietly) "Mister what?"
RIMMER #2: (Shouting) "I ... SAID ... MISTER ... GAZ ... PAAAACHO, DEAFIE!!!"
RIMMER: (Crying) "That is the most obscenely hurtful thing."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting) "GOOD!"
RIMMER: "That is the straw that broke the dromedary, that is. You're finished, Rimmer."
RIMMER #2: (Snarling) "No, YOU'RE finished, Rimmer!"

Following on from this, Rimmer is now back in his old place, sleeping for the night on his old bunk. Rimmer 2, however, is not finished.

LISTER: "It's just I thought I heard, you know, um, raised voices?"
RIMMER: "Heh. It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it? Having a... a blazing row with yourself."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting in Rimmer's Quarters) "HIT THE WALL! GO ON! HIT THE WALL! GO ON! YEAH! YEAH!"

We see RIMMER #2 is directing the scutters to hit the adjoining wall for him.

RIMMER #2: (Shouting through the wall) "CAN YOU SHUT UP, RIMMER?! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"
RIMMER: (To LISTER) "Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting through the wall) "SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!"
RIMMER: (Getting up) "Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?"

He walks calmly to the door.

RIMMER: "STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YA FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!!!"

He calmly turns back.

RIMMER: "Lister, there's no point in concealing it anymore. Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff. Nothing major. But it goes without saying, IT WAS HIS FAULT!"

Lister has to choose which Rimmer to delete, so uses the most scientific and fair method available to him...

LISTER: "Ippy-dippy, my space shippy, on a course so true, past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you." He ends pointing to RIMMER.
RIMMER #2: "Excellent! Excellent decision, Listie! Turn him off."
RIMMER: "And the one you end on is the one who stays, yes?"
LISTER: (Firmly to RIMMER) "It's you, Rimmer."
RIMMER: "Wait a minute. Just wait a minute. Hold your horses. Hang on."
LISTER: It's your own fault, Rimmer. If you'd've given me Kochanski's hologram, none of this would've happened. You made the bed, you lie in it. Drive Room. Ten minutes."
RIMMER #2: "Drive Room. Five minutes."
RIMMER: "I don't believe it. I've been "ippy-dippied" to death."

Gazpacho soup!

RIMMER: "I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you. Gazpacho soup. It was the greatest night of my life. I'd been invited to the Captain's Table. I'd only been with the company fourteen years. Six officers and me! They called me "Arnold." We had gazpacho soup for starters. I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and I told him to take it away and bring it back hot. He did! The looks on their faces still haunt me today!!" (Crying) "I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time, they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's Table again. That was the end of my career."

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

NOTES
I haven't really made an attempt to write much extra material about Red Dwarf up to now, as the show is so funny and clever it really needs nothing added from me, but I feel here I need to talk about the final episode in season one. As mentioned earlier, it's the first episode that follows on directly, scene for scene, from the previous one, and so essentially is the only Red Dwarf two-parter, until season eight, when the opening episode, "Back in the red" is split into three parts. But up to the end of season seven, there were no other episodes leading into others, bar the ending two episodes from that season, "Epideme" and "Nanarchy", which more or less ran into each other, the story from the one spilling over into, and having resonance with the other. Generally speaking though, these episodes were the exception rather than the rule.

The true awful truth about Arnold J. Rimmer is made painfully apparent to him in this episode. Who else, when given the chance to bring someone back from the dead to be their companion and/or ally, would choose a copy of themselves? But factor in that Rimmer had, in life, no friends at all, no colleagues who didn't despise him, no lover and only one person who had actually slept with him (and that by accident), and you can see his problem. In fact, sad as it may seem, Lister, whom he has nothing but contempt for, is the closest thing Arnie has to a friend. Even the Cat took an instant dislike to the man.

But then, faced with that decision, who to bring back, he could have earned huge brownie points and been a real friend to Lister by allowing him to bring Kochanski back, except he knows that, should that occur, Lister would no longer need him, and so at some point might order Holly to delete him. At best, Rimmer would be left to wander the lonely corridors of Red Dwarf, trying to fill up his time, with nobody wanting to talk to him or spend time with him. You can almost feel sorry for him in such a scenario, until you remember what a total smeghead he is, and realise he brings this treatment down on himself. If he hadn't spent so much time in "Confidence and Paranoia" trying to prevent Lister from retrieving the holodisc, and then, when Dave found it, if he had admitted defeat and let him have his wish, perhaps after all Lister might have been better disposed towards him.

As it is, Lister is delighted to get rid of Arnie, and quickly gets over his disappointment about Kochanski when he realises he will no longer have to share his quarters with Rimmer. The hologram is just as happy, believing that it is Lister, and people like him, who have held him back throughout his career, and his life. Now, with only himself for company, literally, he'll be finally able to achieve all those things he failed to accomplish when alive. Perhaps he can even take the exam and become an officer! Without Lister, as he says in his death video, dragging him back, dragging him down, he'll be able to climb up, up, the ziggaraut, lickety-split!

Ah, but...

Rimmer has failed to factor in one very important fact. He is, in any incarnation (apart from one we will meet in season four) and any life a total and utter smeghead, and multiplying that by two just gives you two smegheads. Worse, two smegheads, each of whom believe they are always right, superior in every way. As he says to Lister later, it's quite an amusing thought, having a blazing row with yourself, but this is exactly what happens. As someone once said, hell is being locked in a room with all your friends forever. Rimmer soon finds it is even worse to be locked in a room with yourself. There's nowhere to hide. All the little annoying things about your "roommate" you now notice, all the little sounds he makes, the way he walks and talks, the things he does, the expressions, the platitudes: they're all you. You're looking in a living mirror, and if there's something wrong with the reflection you're seeing there's something wrong with you.

Rimmer soon learns that living with himself is not the rosebed he had envisaged. You see, Rimmer has a certain view of himself that does not tally with reality. He does not, cannot, see the way he treats other people, the condescension, the arrogance, the lack of a sense of humour, the short temper. He thinks everyone else is wrong and he's right. But when he can see himself doing these things, he is forced to admit that maybe after all he is not the perfect speciment of mankind, the officer-in-waiting, the man who was cruelly denied all the advantages he should have had: he is not the man he thinks he is. He is, to put it quite plainly and simply, a goit.

And what is worse, he realises too (although the episode does not make this clear; the book does) that the Rimmer he has brought back to life is the original one, the one from three million years ago. Like it or not, his exposure to Lister and the Cat, even the batty Holly has changed him. It's a marginal change, for certain, and doesn't do much to soften his approach to people, but day by day, month by month, year by year a little of his self-assuredness and smugness is being chipped away, like the wind eroding a mountain, or water lapping over the course of millennia at a rock. Slowly, very, very slowly, he has changed to be perhaps 0.00000000001 percent less of a git than he used to be. He is, to put it simply, improving, if only the tiniest bit.

His double, on the other hand, has had no such exposure and is exactly as he was before the accident that wiped out the crew. He still thinks he's number one, that everyone else is inferior and determined to prove himself. He sneers at the proper Rimmer's lack of discipline, stamina and mettle. To put it mildly, he hates the current Rimmer, probably more than he hates anyone else. In fact, he doesn't even hate Lister --- he doesn't care about him, but devotes no time to annoying or browbeating him the way the original one did. He's more interested in tearing down his double and coming out on top. Maybe somewhere in his hologrammatic mind, the mind of Arnold J. Rimmer, he knows that a time is coming when the computer will have to switch one of them off, and he doesn't intend that it be him!

Rimmer's self-absorption knows no bounds: who else but he would have his death recorded and then narrate poetry and make it into a tribute to himself? Who else would compare himself to Napoleon? He even goes so far in his pettiness as to demand back from Lister, not the posters in their cabin, but the blue-tac that holds them to the wall! But he finds he cannot match the pace of his younger (three million years younger!) copy and as a result the copy looks down upon him with the sort of contempt the real Rimmer usually lavishes only on Lister. It's quite a turnaround: Rimmer is not used to being sneered at, certainly not by someone he looks up to and admires, ie himself. There's no defence: he can't say anything against the other Rimmer, because the two are one and the same person, and they each know the other. All their secrets, all their shames are shared, culminating in the height of the row when the new Rimmer uses the most hurtful insult he can on the old, calling him Mister Gazpacho.

Finally pushed to his limits, and having got what fun he can out of watching the two Rimmers squabble, Lister decides one of them has to go. He tells them it's a toss-up; he doesn't care who it is that's deleted. But in reality he probably knows that if he has to keep a Rimmer it may as well be "his" Rimmer: the copy is too much like the man he used to work under, and as I said, even though it's the very tiniest improvement, Lister must be able to see that the Rimmer who is with him now is ever so slightly better than the one he worked with three millennia ago. Very slightly. Case of the devil you know, really.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Having now just published the last episode in season one of Red Dwarf, I will shortly be finishing off Love/Hate, and have written the endings for Supernatural and Babylon 5. As each is published, I will be taking a break from these series --- probably on the order of a month; may be more, may be less --- before coming back to them to start a new season. This is to enable me to concentrate both on the newer series I'm working on and some others I intend to introduce soon. As I have also my main journal, and Bitesize, plus my other writing and what I laughingly call a life to fit in, this will allow me a little breathing space.

So, if you've enjoyed the writeups so far, great, but be aware that once I complete a season of a series it will be "going on hiatus" for a while. I will of course always get back to them, be assured of that, but I do need to prioritise, and series I haven't covered yet or am in the middle of writing about would certainly have to take precedence over ones on which I've completed a season. I also need a little time to get some reviews of films going.

So bear with me; your favourite series will be back, but once they reach the end of a season I will be taking a break from them. Never fear though: there are plenty others to fill the gap in the meantime!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018