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1.1 "Camille"

We open on a school bus trip. A red-haired girl called Camille is looking listlessly out the window and listening to music. Her teacher hands her a test paper which she looks at disinterestedly. A few moments later the bus plunges over the side of a bridge. The titles tell us it is now "present day", and we focus on a collection of butterflies under glass. The case begins shaking as one of the insects breaks free and shatters the glass, flying off into the night sky. An old man sleeps in an untidy house and is suddenly woken by a knocking at his door.

The scene switches to Camille, the schoolgirl from the bus accident, as she clambers over a guardrail, seemingly from over the cliff and walks towards the village that is her home. In a local bar a man pays a woman much younger than he, and his daughter, outside in a car with her boyfriend watches, disgusted. Her name is Lena, and it's pretty obvious what her father has just paid for. The man then goes to attend a grief councilling meeting, where the parents of all the children killed in the bus accident are discussing a memorial which is to be erected on the fourth anniversary of the tragedy. One of the women, Sandrine, tells the group she is pregnant again, and seems happy.

All this time, Camille is still walking home, and as she makes her way there the lights go on and off as if there are intermittent power failures in the village. When she gets home, her mother calls to her, expecting Lena, who we now see is her sister. She is amazed, shocked, delighted and disbelieving to find her daugher, Camille, dead now these four years, eating a sandwich in the kitchen and believing she has only just that morning deaprted on the bus. She knows nothing of the accident, telling her mother she awoke on the side of a hill and has no idea how she got there.

Fearing she is perhaps going mad, Claire calls her husband to come home. Well, she doesn't quite. She calls Pierre, who is the one chairing the meeting, and then when she gets no answer from him she calls the man we saw paying the young girl, whose name is Jerome, and he hurries home, amazed to find his dead daughter taking a bath in her house. Satisfied that she is not losing her mind, Claire wonders what they are to do, and how they can explain this? How can it be happening?

Cut to Julie, a young doctor who is called in the middle of the night to one of her patients, a Mr. Costa. He says it's urgent. The camera focusses on a picture of a young woman and a voice asks "Who were you calling?" As Julie goes to leave a strange, wild-eyed young man enters and asks her if the door code has changed, to which she says no. She leaves and he goes up the staircase to her apartment, knocking but getting no answer. A neighbour tells him the occupant has just left, and he asks is it Adele but the woman says no, Julie. He looks surprised.

Julie meanwhile attends to Mr. Costa, and as she finishes up hears someone in the kitchen, but he says he is alone. When she is gone we see that sitting in the kitchen is the woman in the photograph, looking as if she has just stepped out of the picture this moment, or just finished posing for it. On the way home, Julie encounters a young boy at the bus stop, who watches her as she gets on the bus and then follows her. The strange young man goes to the local bar, The Lake Pub, looking for Adele but is told she does not work there; she now works in the multimedia library. Lena, who is drinking at the bar, offers to show him where she lives.

Pierre turns up at Camille's house and Claire says that her daughter has come back, just as he said she would: it's a miracle. It's clear Pierre is some sort of religious person; not a priest, but a man of deep faith who believes everything happens for a reason. Camille does not trust him when she sees him; she does not know him, and the closeness of the man to her mother and her rather cold detachment from her father bothers her. She does not realise that it's been four years and things have changed in her family.

The little boy gets off at the same stop as Julie but can't get into her building; she is so tired she fails to even see him as she goes in. It's only later, when she looks out of the window she sees him standing in the street, looking up at her. There's a knock on her door, and somehow he's outside. She asks who he is, is he lost, but he won't say a word. When her nosy neighbour comes out and sees the boy Julie quickly names him Victor, so as to dispel any notions the woman might have. The neighbour, Mrs. Payet, tells Julie that someone was here looking for Adele, and goes back into her own apartment, while the boy makes himself at home.

Pierre compares Camille's return to the Resurrection of Christ, but Jerome is not a believer and is not impressed. It's clear now that Pierre is with Claire, and her ex-husband resents both his interest in his wife and also his beliefs, and the way Claire clings to them. However Pierre agrees that Camille needs her family --- the family she thinks she left behind only this morning --- and leaves. When the young man reaches Adele's house he tries to get in but she goes crazy, banging on the door from inside and refusing to open it, screaming "Leave me alone!" Her daughter comes down the stairs to see what is wrong, and the young man, realising he won't get in or perhaps hearing the little girl walks away.

Julie continues to try to get information out of the boy but nothing doing. She agrees to allow him to stay with her for now. In the Lake Pub, the girl who Jerome had paid at the beginning, whose name is Lucy, walks home and goes via an underpass which will figure more in the story as the series progresses. Here she is attacked by a knife-wielding man, who stabs her repeatedly and leaves her for dead. Lena returns home but climbs in her window as she is late, and is startled to hear tapping on her bedroom wall, coming from the opposite room, Camille's room, then terrified as her responding tap is answered! She stares in horror as her bedroom door opens and then her dead sister, her twin, stands in front of her. She breaks down, screaming hysterically as her parents rush upstairs, too late to explain things to her.

Scene changes to old Mr. Costa's house, and we see him pouring lighter fluid over photographs and setting them on fire, as the woman in the picture, bound and gagged, watches in horror from the kitchen. The flames leap up. The fire brigade, attending later, are told by the police that Mr. Costa is gone and the fire looks like arson, but nobody else was in the building when it burned down. The police captain, arriving home, finds Adele in shock, and she tells him it has started again. The young man who had tried to see her finds his grave, and we see his name is Simon Delaitre. Workers at the dam are concerned about the level of the water in the reservoir; it's dropping and showing no signs of stopping. They are even more concerned when they see an old man standing on the edge of the dam. Before they can stop him, Mr. Costa has jumped.

As the first episode comes to a conclusion, we see Camille, four years prior, the day of the accident. Her sister, Lena, is sick, and so is not going on the trip. Camille sulks that she does not want to go either, but her parents say they have paid a lot of money for it and she is going. Then we see that Lena is only feigning sickness in order to have her end away with a local boy, Frederic. As they begin to make love, Camille somehow senses it and runs to the front of the bus, saying she must get off. Just as she does, the little boy, Victor, appears in the middle of the road. Fade to black.

QUESTIONS?
"The Returned" is a series of questions. The first and most obvious is how and why Camille has come back from the dead. Is it possible that she is not dead? Could she have lain on the side of a mountain in a coma for four years and only now woke up, with no knowledge of the passage of time? But if so, why does she look not one day older? What about Simon? Is he dead too? He has seen his own grave, but perhaps that was erected in his absence, and people thought he was dead? What is his connection to Adele?

Why does Camille feel the strong connection with Lena? Is it just a sister thing, a result of their being twins, or is it more? Who is the little boy known as Victor, and where did he come from? Why has he latched on to Julie? Who is the woman who appeared in Mr. Costa's house and why did he set it on fire? Who killed Lucy in the tunnel? What connection has that to the story?

This series will answer some questions, but others will not be so easily disposed of.

CONNECTIONS
There is a definite link now between Adele and Simon, and the police captain appears to factor into that also. Whose child is the little girl?

Other relationships will begin to be clarified in the next few episodes, as everything eventually ties together in one huge mysterious tapestry.

Lena must feel a heavy burden of guilt, knowing that had she not faked illness in order to see her boyfriend that morning she would also be dead; whether she would have come back or not is debatable. So far, it seems Camille is the only one of the children to return. But Lena must feel guilty for being alive while her sister is, well, not quite.

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Season One, Episode Five

"Catch as can"

James has returned from France with a cargo for Mr. Watson, one of his now-regular small clients. Callon, however, is angry, because Watson also deals with him and he doesn't want Onedin getting anything from one of his clients. He lays down an ultimatum: no more freight for James Onedin from Watson or he can kiss his contracts with Callon goodbye. The sound of Sarah's newborn is like a drill going into Elizabeth's heart, and she feels totally alone. Daniel's many letters to her lie on the table unopened. Meanwhile at sea the object of her affections is due to take a ship home after its captain took a heart attack, so he will be returning to Liverpool sooner than expected. Frazer comes aboard the "Charlotte Rhodes" as James is given the bad news by Watson, and they discuss his obsession (other than Elizabeth, that is!): steamships. Frazer believes they are the way forward, the transportation of the future, but Onedin disagrees.

"The wind blows free for every man's use", he points out, quoting the title of the pilot episode. "Steamships are expensive to build, even more expensive to run". James is a dyed-in-the-wool sailing ships man, and will resist the pull of steam until he can see a way of making a profit from it. Frazer invites he and Anne down to his new house which he has inherited in the country, and says he would consider it a favour, as the aunt that comes with it is not enamoured of him, and any backup he can provide would be appreciated. Of course, he mentions that should James wish to invite Elizabeth, he would not have any objection.

Rather unsettlingly for James, she does not wish to go. Given that she's now carrying Daniel's child I expect such social engagements are far from her mind, but James is not giving up. He knows Frazer dropped the possibility of Elizabeth attending lightly, but meant it most firmly. It could, and probably will, be a deal-breaker, and Frazer has agreed to repair James's ship at a much lower price than usual in a favour-for-favour return. Anne works on her though, and when she's convinced her that it's Albert's idea and not her brother's she relents and agrees to go.

Baines, meanwhile, has not returned to the ship, and the reason turns out to be that he's been press-ganged by Callon's men and dumped onbaord one of Callon's Clippers bound for Boston. When James has no luck tracking him down he asks Robert what ships are in the dock, and when he learns that one, the "San Francisco Belle", is connected with Callon he's able to guess at what's happened. Callon's son, meanwhile, having seen Baines onboard the Clipper is uneasy at his father's business practices and does not agree with his methods. James tries to intercept the Clipper before it can leave the harbour, and Anne must proceed to the party without him, for the moment.

When Fogarty hears about it though he is determined to chase Elizabeth down and confronts her at the country house. Another fight ensues and she throws him out. James gets onboard the Clipper and locates Baines, but he has been badly beaten and is unable to speak. Remembering his wife's work with the old sailor though Onedin proves Baines' identity by having him sign his name, to the considerable amazement of the captain, who had claimed he "made his mark" when they took him aboard in Riga. Faced with a Board of Trade enquiry if he refuses to release Baines, the captain has no choice and he returns with James.

Back home after the aborted party, Anne tells Elizabeth that she has guessed her secret, and quickly thereafter Robert, who comes calling at their warehouse home, is made aware. He is thunderstruck. Anne is delighted to see James back safe at port, and with Baines onboard: he has saved his Mate, and it's been all thanks to her teaching him how to read and write. Who said education was a waste of time?


QUOTES
Callon: "All men are equal in the sight of God but that's where it ends. In commerce it's value for money and catch as can."

Anne: "Would you come in search of me?"
James: "That would depend on what you'd taken with ye!"

Fogarty: "How's Elizabeth?"
Onedin (departing): "She's got a full programme."
Fogarty (doing a double take): "What do you mean, a full programme?" (He shouts it again at James as the "Charlotte Rhodes" begins to move out of earshot)
James (grinning): "Captains don't shout: they employ men to do that for them!"



FAMILY
JAMES
We see briefly another side of James Onedin in this episode, at least at the beginning. It's a more playful, boyish side that seems miles removed from the hardened plutocrat he aspires to be. On his return from France he presents Anne with a gift, a fan, and she grasps it as if it is the most wonderful thing she ever received. Perhaps it is. His eyes sparkle when she seems so pleased. And later they speak of dancing, with the upcoming garden party Frazer is arranging; Anne says she could not picture James dancing, and he proceeds to regale her with a --- possibly fictitious --- story of a commodore's daugher he danced with in Sydney. He knows she will take no offence from his mentioning other women: she is his now, and he hers, and neither would have it any other way. One thing James will always be while she is alive is faithful to his wife.

Mind you, this jolly mood dissipates quickly when he's faced with his sister's obstinacy, and he's back to the dour old stone-faced tyrant we're coming to know and perhaps love. Despite his contention that it's just because there are no Mates as cheap as Baines in port, it's quite clear that James goes to rescue him as a friend, and with indignation too, that one of his men be "crimped". He has to also admit that his wife has had unexpectedly prophetic vision, for were it not for her having taught Baines to write, he would not have been able to prove that he is who he is.

BAINES
Ever Onedin's right hand man, Baines is still treated as little more than a hired hand by James. But Anne has been teaching him to read and write, and is delighted and satisfied when he is able to sign his name for his wages, a skill that ends up saving him from being shanghaied and taken to parts foreign aganst his will, perhaps never to see England's green hills again! He mentions he is going to see his sister in Wellington Street, which will come up in a later episode. Anne rebukes James for his short treatment of the Mate: "He's your right hand, James," she reminds him. "You'd do better to let him appreciate it." Unlike her husband, Anne is quite aware of Baines' professional reputation and how sought-after he is as a sailor, and fears that if James does not start treating him better, the man may jump ship and go to work for someone else: Callon, even.

This happens, though in a different manner, as related above, and perhaps now James Onedin can begin to see the value of his old seadog, and begin to appreciate him more. Baines certainly appreciates himself, as we will see later, as he tries to better his station in life. Anne Onedin has started him on a road he had never thought to travel, and given him ideas that he can be more than just a simple sailor.

CALLON
Callon Senior thinks nothing of Baines: he tells his son "Most of them were born anonymous and will certainly die that way." He does not care if the man dies at sea, never sees his home again. He does not know, nor care, whether Baines has a family depending on him. He sees him merely as a pawn, a way to strike back at James Onedin. He of course is careful to make sure his name is not in any way linked with the incident officially, and no blame can be attached to him, though James knows, even if he cannot prove it. Callon's son, Edmund, on the other hand, whom we meet for the first time here, seems less callous, a more principled individual, and his father no doubt has a mind to remove such notions as pity and compassion from his mind, and mould him into a copy of himself.

A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE
Callon mentions the "India trade", where fast ships delivered the tea from India and China in Clippers, the fastest vessels on the seas at that time. He tells Watson that the man needs his Clippers if he wishes to remain in the India trade, and Watson glumly tells James that he has no Clippers and so Watson is constrained to accept Callon's demand that he cut off all dealings with James.

Crimping: also known as shanghai-ing or press-ganging, this was a practice known about but which the harbour authorities would turn a blind eye, where gangs of men from ships who needed cheap, ie free labour and who were soon due to depart the port would frequent taverns and inns, roaming the streets after closing time and snagging any unwary drunken able-bodied men, sailors or not, and force them to work on the ships. For many, this could mean months or longer at sea and even the possibility they might never return to their home.

D&D: No, not dungeons and dragons! D&D in this instance stood for deaf and dumb, which was both how the pressed sailors were listed in the ship's crew roster and told to behave, in case anyone should ask who they were or where they came from. A deaf mute could hardly be asked questions!

Making your mark: In the 1860s not that many of the working classes were educated enough to be able to read and/or write, so when they had to sign anything, like a ship's crew manifest or for their wages, they would simply put an "X", which was called making their mark, and perfectly acceptable aboard any ship. Lack of, as Baines would put it, "the letterin'" was not seen to be any impediment to a man serving aboard ship. In fact, the less educated a man was the better in some cases, for it was a lot easier to cheat a man on his wages if he couldn't count.

Clippers: The fastest ships on the seas at the time, long and sleek and with the most and best sails. Beautiful, stylish, top of the range ships at the time, even now still beautiful. The "Cutty Sark", which was displayed in Greenwich in England until the fire that nearly destroyed it was one such.

Nutcracker: A term for the person into whose hands the responsibility of paying out the seamen's wages falls.

MANNER AND MORES
It's quite interesting how the world of the nineteenth century differs so radically from our own, even from the previous one. An unmarried mother is not only a social stigma unwanted by any family, but is entitled to nothing. There is no social welfare, no cheap house, no allowance, and indeed the chances, slim as they already are for women, of being employed if you were seen as a "scarlet woman" were virtually nil. For this reason James and Robert, and indeed Anne and Sarah, will all want Elizabeth married off as soon as possible, definitely before the baby is born.

The level of shock such a thing is greeted with is evident in Robert's almost disbelieving face when he is given the news: his sister, a harlot! Or one step removed. He can't understand it. How could she? And of course the status of women back then was so marginal that Elizabeth would have scarcely any say in whether or not she should be wed, or to who. The honour of the family would be paramount, and this way of thinking of course permeates and informs the entire series, as a microcosm of Victorian values long since left behind in tatters.

Even the appearance of a man, uninvited at her house, scandalises and shocks and enrages Frazer's aunt. Such things are simply not done. In the previous episode, when calling on Mrs Arkwright, James says he brought Robert with him so as not to make it look like his intentions were anything but honourable towards the recently-widowed lady. Of course, he had other reasons for having his brother accompany him, but this explanation is accepted at face value by Mrs Arkwright, as it seems a socially correct precaution.

In the same way as the Onedin family cluck their tongues and wonder when the youngest member of the clan will settle down, Albert's aunt makes the same observations about her nephew, archly asking him if he has a ladyfriend yet, to which Albert replies in the negative, though whether or not his aunt can see through the subterfuge is uncertain.

It's interesting too to note Fogarty's two views of high society. When he comes to confront his intended, he has no time for such things as the rules of etiquette, and indeed for most of his life has lived in a totally different sphere altogther, the tough, hard, uncompromising life of the seaman, where manner and mores count for next to nothing. So his behaviour at Albert's aunt's is in some ways expected and even forgivable, or at least understandable. However, on the other side of the coin, when he hopes to impress his boss by taking Elizabeth to lunch with them, he impresses upon her the fact that no longer is it enough for a ship's captain to be an able sailor, experienced in the way of the sea and the ways of command; now he is expected to be comfortable in polite company, to be able to entertain, mix in society. Fogarty is ready to change his ways for the sake of a promotion, or in other words, when it suits him, but not when his blood is up. In this way, he could be seen as something of a hypocrite, but then, as Elizabeth says to him that night onboard the "Charlotte Rhodes": "When I look at you I don't see the sea captain everyone else sees. I see the orphan child, his face streaked with dirt and holding out his begging bowl."

In many ways, Daniel Fogarty, though he may rise through the echelons of society, will never be comfortable in a top hat and tails, and will always be that orphan child.

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1.6 "Three line whipping"

B'Stard visits a high-class prostitute for some s&m, with the emphasis clearly on the "s", but she literally gets the wrong end of the stick and canes him instead! Just then the joint is raided and it turns out that many high profile members are in attendance, including a judge and a commander of the Vice Squad! When this is made clear to the arresting officer he has no choice but to cancel the raid and drop all charges. Returning to his room B'Stard turns on the TV and is reminded with horror that he is supposed to be on Breakfast TV now! He grabs a taxi but when he gets to the studio he's asked a question about the previous night's by-election result, and since he was in the brothel at the time he doesn't know the answer. He tries to bluff his way through it, but can't possibly guess as it was, as Bob Crippen informs him, "a bolt out of the blue!"

In the toilets after the show he bumps in again to the chatty cab driver, who baits him until he ends up punching him and knocking him to the ground, whereupon he does not get up and B'Stard fears he has killed him. Needing to dispose of the body, he takes the cab and throwing the body in the boot drives off to find somewhere to dispose of it. Unfortunately for him, he is stopped by police, who need an alternative driver for Mrs Thatcher, whose state car has broken down. Using the opportunity of a lifetime to his advantage, he cuts in on the conversation herself and the Chief Whip are having, playing up himself in the guise as an "ordinary man".

Unfortunately, by the time he has dropped off the Thatch and made it out to the country, he's been up for what, about twenty straight hours or more, and he's knackered. Running out of options he's desperately searching for somewhere he won't be observed disposing of the taxi when he falls asleep at the wheel and loses control of the vehicle, which plows into a barn. Some hours later the police arrive to rescue him. He tells a tale of the cabby going mad and kidnapping him, but suddenly it appears the driver is not as dead as B'Stard thought. He contravenes Alan's story of course, but the police obvously take his word over that of the cabby and he is arrested.

The Chief Whip is most annoyed the next day to have to advise him that the Prime Minister has decided to forgive his little escapade, remarking that he wishes she would stop talking to taxi drivers!


QUOTES
B'Stard, with the dead cabby on the floor of the men's room: "Well that's just all I need first thing on a Friday morning, isn't it? A dead dwarf!"

To Sir Stephen, when he tells him he's let the side down: "Do you think I really give an orang-utan's about the opinion of a man with a plastic drainpipe where his colon should be?"
Sir Stephen: "You'll be old some day, B'Stard."
Alan: "Yes I will but I shan't be bionic!"

B'Stard: "You don't think I'm going to set foot inside an NHS hospital after ten years of government cutbacks, do you? Take me to Harley Street!"

MACHINATIONS
For once, there is none this episode. B'Stard is far too busy trying to save his skin to think up any devilish moneymaking plots.

SIDEKICK
For the first time ever, Piers stands up to Alan! When he's told to take the taxi with the dead body in the boot (though this little bit of information is conveniently omitted by B'Stard) and take it out to the countryside and burn it, this offends Piers' innate sense of affinity with nature, and he refuses to pollute the countryside. Enraged --- not so much at the refusal, one would think, as at the fact that Piers actually stands up to him --- Alan has to do the job himself, though he does tell Piers he's cleaning up his mess. Where that comes from is anyone's guess.

THE USER AND THE USED
PIERS
Although not actually there at the time, Piers' name is used by B'Stard both when meeting the prostitute and when, later, giving his name to the arresting officer.

PCRs
Haven't been that many in recent episodes but there are a few here.
"That'll do nicely": the arresting officer, on seeing the warrant card of the Commander of the Vice Squad at the brothel. This was the tagline for American Express in the eighties.

"Anne Diamond": almost celebrity TV presenter of Breakfast TV.

"I shan't be bionic!" Alan makes this nasty jibe at Sir Stephen, in reference to his having an artificial body part implanted in him. This goes back to the seventies, when Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man, was the hero of every boy on TV, and everyone was talking about bionics, even though the science, at least at the level proposed in the series, was very much in its infancy and still pretty much the pervue of novelists and film-makers.

...AND ISN'T THAT...?
A real-life TV star of the eighties, Jayne Irving was a leading light in the TV-AM breakfast show on British television, and plays herself here.

well this is cool I got this iTunes Card Code and it redeemed just fine! I got it at freeitunesforever． ｃom

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New character! Bruce Boxleitner joins the second season as commander of Babylon 5, a role he will retain right up to season five.

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He will be completely pivotal to the second, third and fourth season arcs and much of the series will revolve around him, yet in the early days he seemed an odd choice...

Season Two: "The coming of Shadows" (Part One)
2.1 "Points of departure"

General Hague from Earthforce Joint Chiefs of Staff contacts Captain John Sheridan, in command of the cruiser Agamemnon and tells him that a rogue Minbari cruiser has been spotted in the vicinity of Babylon 5. Mistakenly believing that he is to rendezvous with the other Minbari ship sent to hunt down the Tregati, Captain Sheridan is told that he is in fact to proceed to Babylon 5, but is to take command, replacing Commander Sinclair, who has been reassigned permanently. It is eight days since the assassination of President Santiago and Sheridan's orders come direct from the new president, Morgan Clarke. On Babylon 5, Garibaldi remains in a coma while Delenn is sequestered in her quarters and will accept no visitors: she is in no condition to.

Hague tells Ivanova, in temporary command after Sinclair's recall to Earth, that her former CO is to be the new liaison to Minbar, and that the Minbari requested him specifically. When she hears who her new commander is to be she comments that it's a controversial choice but is not allowed question it. She served previously under Sheridan so knows him, and his reputation. He's said to be the only human ever to successfully destroy a Minbari warcruiser. A Minbari, possibly a member of the Grey Council or one of their agents, visits Lennier in Delenn's quarters and tells him that the Tregati has been sighted, and that if it arrives at Babylon 5 Lennier is to go to the humans and tell them what he has been told: it's time, he says, they knew the truth.

In typical Babylon 5 fashion, Sheridan's arrival is early and Ivanova has no time to arrange an honour guard. She asks as tactfully as she can why he was given the command, and Sheridan says he was told that he was Santiago's first choice to replace Sinclair, due mostly to his working closely with alien races while out on the Rim with the Agamemnon. She points out that unlike Sinclair, whom the Minbari pushed for the job, his appointment will not be looked upon kindly: they still call him "Starkiller", she says. A Minbari called Kalain comes on board, warning the one who went to see Lennier that something bad is about to happen. He advises him to leave the station.

Sheridan goes to give his "good luck speech" to the crew but is interrupted when he is told there is a Minbari who needs to speak to him urgently, on a matter of grave security. It turns out to be Hedronn, the Minbari who had spoken to Lennier, and he tells Sheridan about Kalain, who is commander of the Tregati, a war cruiser that vanished into exile at the end of the war rather than surrender as ordered by the Grey Council. Kalain and his crew believe that they have been betrayed both by Earth and Minbar, and are a loose cannon, a dangerous one, almost a literal one.

Ivanova asks Sheridan how he destroyed The Black Star, the Minbari flagship and he tells her that he had the asteroid field between Jupiter and Mars mined, then faked a distress signal, luring the hulking cruiser in and causing it to be destroyed by the fusion mines. With it went three of their heavy cruisers. It was about the only real victory for Earth in the war, and the reason why the Minbari hate him and call him "Starkiller". Thinking about it though, Sheridan realises that if Kalain is aboard, and believes the Minbari government betrayed his people, he might strike at their representative, and they rush to the helpless Delenn's quarters, where Kalain has indeed made his way. They stop him, but Sheridan thinks it was too easy, and suspects a diversion. He wonders where Kalain's ship, the Tregati could be hiding?

Since Kalain is here though, and therefore his ship must also be in hyperspace waiting to attack, Lennier obeys Hedronn and goes to speak to Sheridan and Ivanova. He explains that at the height of the Battle of the Line a human was taken aboard one of the Minbari ships, examined by the Grey Council, tortured to try and get information about Earth's defences from their mind. Completely at random, they selected Sinclair but were amazed to find out that the two races shared DNA. Minbari believe that every generation is reborn in the next, but in the last few thousand years the descendants seem to be getting watered down. They discover that Minbari souls are being reborn in human bodies. The two races share a common destiny, and the destruction of the humans would inevitably result in the death of all Minbari.The Grey Council could not of course tell their warriors this, and so simply ordered them to surrender, which they did. But the decision has split Minbari society ever since.

The Tregati makes its appearance and its second in command demands the return of Kalain. When Sheridan finds that Kalain has killed himself he realises the Tregati has the perfect excuse to attack, believing or accusing the humans of killing their captain. But when he thinks about it further, Sheridan realises that teh Minbari would not start a war, so they are trying to get the humans to shoot first. Then they will be martyrs, honour lost at the Battle of the Line will be restored, and the war will begin again. He signals the other Minbari cruiser that Hague told him had been despatched to hunt down the Tregati, while refusing the order to his own fighters to fire, knowing that the Minbari will not fire the first shot. When ordered to surrender, and then crippled by the other Minbari cruiser, the crew of the Tregati destroy their own ship.

Lennier speaks to Delenn in her quarters in her coccoon, worried about the prophecy that is soon to come to pass, and of a great enemy who is returning. Sheridan gets to give his welcome speech just in time, and officially, in his eyes, takes control of his new command.

QUOTES
Ivanova: "I don't know. I just keep seeing Earth Force One blowing up, over and over in my dreams. You know, all my life I used to think I could handle anything, fix any problem. But when I saw that I realised there was nothing I could do to stop it. I don't think I've ever felt so helpless."

Hedronn: "I would answer your question if I recognised your authority, but unlike your predecessor my government was not consulted on your appointment."
Sheridan: "The president feels that the Minbari had too much influence over an Earth outpost. Times change!"
Hedronn: "And the day that a man such as you is given a position of this importance is a dark day indeed. We lost many of our best warriors because of you, and we do not soon forget such things. If there is a doom upon this station it is because you brought it here!"

Lennier to Kalain: "If you are going to kill me then do so. Otherwise I have considerable work to do."

Ivanova: "I learned a while ago that there's enough guilt in the world to go round without grabbing for more."

Lennier "I told them Delenn, as I was ordered. I only wish I could have told them the rest, about the great enemy that is returning, and the prophecy that the two sides of our spirit must unite against the darkness or be destroyed. They say it will take both of our races to stop the darkness. I'm told that the Earthers will discover all this soon enough on their own. I hope they are right, because if we are wrong, no-one will survive our mistake."

Ivanova: "Logic is good, but what it has to do with Earthforce is anyone's guess."

Sheridan's "Good luck speech": "It was an early Earth president, Abraham Lincoln, who best described our situation: the dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty and we must rise to the occasion. We cannot escape history; we will be remembered in spite of ourselves. The fiery trial through which we must pass will light us down in honour or dishonour to the last generation. We shall nobly save or meanly lose our last best hope of Earth."

Important Plot Arc Points:
THE BATTLE OF THE LINE
Arc Level: Red
We finally understand what happened at the final stand in the Earth/Minbari war. As the victors prepared to destroy Earth they took one of the humans to glean what they could about its defences, and that person happened to be Jeffrey Sinclair. They were amazed and troubled to find that humans and Minbari share souls, so that by killing their enemy they were in fact killing themselves. With this information they had no choice but to order their forces to surrender. They then ensured that Sinclair, as their first ever human contact, was given the position of commander of Babylon 5 when they signed on to help finance and support it.

Although this clears up much of the mystery from season one, there are yet further and even more shocking revelations about Sinclair and his relationship to the Minbari to be made, but sorry folks: you'll have to wait till deep in season three for those!

We're also told that President Clark knows of the reason why the Minbari surrendered --- it's said he's the only other human with such knowledge. Presumably Santiago told him when he was sworn in as Vice President. But he does not believe it. And Sheridan has his doubts too. The whole thing is a little bit too hocus-pocus for the career officer, and he thinks there is another reason behind this.

DELENN
Arc Level: Orange
When season one ended, Delenn had just gone into her coccoon, for reasons unknown as yet but apparently important to her. So far, we still do not know what those reasons are, but in the final scene in her quarters we see the coccoon showing signs of breaking, perhaps cracking and opening. What will emerge? Is she alive? Dead? Gone?

STARKILLER
Arc Level: Green
A controversial choice for command of Babylon 5 indeed. You might as well put, as far as the Minbari are concerned, Hitler in charge of the Israeli state. Unlike Sinclair, the Minbari have no stake --- and no say, under the Clark administration --- in Sheridan being appointed to head Babylon 5, but they have many reasons to oppose it. His name is a dark one in their recent history, and few Minbari that did not lose some family on the Black Star. His path will not be an easy one.

Notes on the opening of season two
At the end of season one I postulated the question, what now for the residents of Babylon 5? Well, it would seem a lot. A new commander, with the old one reassigned to Minbar. A different style of leadership: though Sinclair fought on The Line, Sheridan has just left behind command of an Earthforce cruiser and is now being asked to play diplomat. He has little time to get used to his new surroundings and familiarise himself with the station and the staff before they are thrust into a crisis. This will, of course, become par for the course.

Revelations too, as we learn of the reason why the Minbari surrendered at the Battle of the Line, and that Sinclair has now been reassigned as ambassador to Minbar, at their request. Garibaldi remains in a coma, and whether or not he is going to pull through is unknown at this time. Lennier foretells the onset of a huge war, and indeed this is referenced in the opening credits, when Sheridan says "It was the dawn of the Third Age of Mankind, the year the great war came upon us all." A darkness is coming, and it will be the kind of darkness that swallows galaxies. Lennier knows of the prophecy which hints that in order to beat this ancient enemy, humans and Minbari will have to fight side by side, so Sheridan's polarising arrival on the station is not good news for this as-yet-to-be-forged alliance.

Note: Technically this season features a new character in Starfury pilot Warren Keffer, but he was put in at the insistence of the network and JMS gleefully killed him off soon afterwards. He doesn't feature that much overall and he's certainly not important to the story arc, so I'm not making a big deal of him. Besides, he was Babylon 5's answer to Erik Estrada's Ponch in CHiPs!

On a personal note, I was sad initially to see Michael O'Hare go, despite what many think of his acting. I had grown used to him, and the replacement of him with younger, more dynamic Bruce Boxleitner was, to me, a shallow network ploy to appeal to the younger demographic of the show. Turns out I was totally wrong: all of this was planned and expected by JMS, and as we will see as the season and future ones pan out, it was the very best choice he could have made. The addition of Sheridan took the show to new levels, and allowed it a freedom it really didn't have under Sinclair's guidance. Without giving too much away, the coming struggles required a younger man, and I had always seen Sinclair as the grizzled father with Sheridan as his hotshot son. Babylon 5 would in fact make Boxleitner's career, and people would and will forever after associate him now with John Sheridan in the same way that Tom Baker will always be Doctor Who, or William Shatner Captain Kirk.

2.2 "Revelations"

Londo is throwing a fit, enraged that two of the permanent members of the Babylon 5 council are not in attendance. Again. Lennier tells him, probably not for the first time, that Delenn is indisposed but he is dismissive of the attache's excuses for his employer. And Na'Toth admits she has no idea when G'Kar will return. As it happens, G'Kar is at this moment heading for Babylon 5, having narrowly escaped destruction at the hands of ships eerily similar to the spider ships we saw in the previous season. Sheridan is approached by Dr. Franklin with an idea to use the alien healing machine from "The quality of mercy" to try to save Garibaldi's life as a last-ditch method. With no other option, Sheridan agrees, but says he will help the doctor by allowing his own life-force to be taken under the doctor's supervision. Franklin is dubious, but they agree to take turns, so they can monitor each other. Before that though Sheridan's sister Elizabeth has come to visit him. They discuss his wife's death, two years ago, and Elizabeth is worried that her brother has not moved on. She points out that Anna was her friend a long time before she became his wife. But Sheridan still hurts, and is not ready to face this yet.

Londo arranges a meeting with Morden, worried that the destruction of the Narn outpost at Quadrant 37 is attaracting too much attention and concerned the action could be traced back to him. But Morden assures him he is quite safe, with complete plausible deniablity and none of his fingerprints on the attack. He does however ask Londo to keep him informed should he hear about anything odd happening out on The Rim. Under the influence of the alien machine, Garibaldi comes to, which is bad news for Jack, who has been monitoring the channels. You remember Jack? He was Garibaldi's trusted lieutenant, the one who shot him in the back. He obviously fears now that if Garibaldi remembers or knows who shot him that he'll be sunk, so he hurries to Medlab, but luckily for him as the shot was from behind, Garibaldi did not see his would-be assassin.

G'Kar, having spoken to Na'Toth of what he witnessed out on the Rim, convenes the council to tell them of his findings, and tells them that he has convinced his government to send a ship to scan the dark ancient planet called Zha'dum, mentioned in the Narn holy writings as the original base of the dark power he believes is stirring again. But Londo, deeming this to fit the category of "anything strange" that Morden wanted to know about, relays the information back to his shadowy benefactor. Lennier, returning to Delenn's quarters, is perturbed to see that her coccoon is broken open and she is nowhere to be seen. A voice from the shadows calls his name, a voice full of pain and suffering, and he finds Delenn in a corner, shrouded in a robe and when he looks at her face he recoils in shock. He calls Franklin to ask for his help, in the strictest confidence. The doctor finds her skin covered in scales, that seem to flake away as he touches them, and what is underneath? Is it skin? He asks Delenn but she does not know: this is the first time such a thing has been attempted by her people.

Sheridan reveals to his sister that he feels responsible for the death of his wife. They had been supposed to meet and take a holiday but he was too busy, and so she took a post as a science officer on a vessel that was going out to the Rim and this ship was mysteriously destroyed soon afterwards. He blames himself for that, and also hates that he didn't say he loved her on their last communication before she left, which turned out to be their last ever. Garibaldi asks Talia Winters to scan him, so that he can find out who shot him. She tells him that anything she finds out is not admissable in court, but he doesn't care: he just wants to know. And so he sees Jack fire at him, and knows who it was that tried to kill him. He is quickly taken into custody.

Garibaldi discharges himself to personally interrogate the traitor, but Jack is cocky, unconcerned. He tells his ex-boss there is a new order on the rise, and he wants to be part of it. Sheridan gets a call from no less than the President himself, who orders him to have Jack shipped back to Earth, along with any material they have on him. Unable to refuse but upset the investigation is being taken out of his hands, Sheridan complies. The Narn ship sent to investigate Zha'dum is destroyed by one of the spider ships, though it's reported as an accident, and the Narn council will not sponsor another such expedition. G'Kar knows this was no accident, and he thinks he knows who to blame, though he can prove nothing. Delenn rejoins the Council, but she is different. She is now some sort of half-human, half-Minbari hybrid. She says she has done this to become a bridge between the two races, to prevent any other war or misunderstanding occuring, and to bring the two races closer together, heal the wounds both are still suffering.

Later, Elizabeth hands Sheridan a recording which Anna sent to her a week before her death. In it she explains how she was going to take the job on the Icarus before Sheridan cancelled; she would have to postpone the holiday anyway. Sheridan's guilt is released and he gets a chance, finally, to say goodbye and to tell her he loves her. Garibaldi tells Ivanova and Franklin that he suspects Psi Corps may have been involved in the assasination of President Santiago. He thinks they may have wanted a man sympathetic to their aims in office, which may be why they tried to endorse his candidacy for vice president, even though their charter forbids such political lobbying or support. This may be backed up by the fact that the ship taking Jack back to Earth has disappeared, taking all the evidence with it.

QUOTES
Londo: "How much longer will this council be held hostage to its missing members? Your behaviour is inexcusable!"
Lennier: "Ambassador Delenn remains indisposed."
Londo: "Indisposed! She is in a coccoon!"
Lennier: "Yes?"

Londo: "You see? One deserts his post without explanation and the other picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient opportunity possible to explore new career opportunities, like becoming a butterfly!"

Londo: "Yes, but what if I am asked for another of these little demonstrations?"
Morden: "Then we'll provide it. Simply choose your target. A colony, an outpost..."
Londo: "Why don't you eliminate the entire Narn homeworld while you're at it?"
Morden: "One thing at a time, Ambassador."

Sheridan (about his wife): "Then why do I have to remind myself she's gone? Why when I see something interesting on the news I'll say to myself I must remember to mention that to Anna later? Sometimes I will turn to say something to her; she's not there, but just for a second I don't know why! And then I remember."

Sheridan: "I don't think losing my head of security two weeks into the job is going to look good on my resume!"

G'Kar: "Weep for the future, Na'Toth. Weep for us all."

G'Kar: "I searched for days, going from system to sytem. And then, on a dark deserted world where there should be no life, where no living thing has walked in over a thousand years, something is moving, gathring its forces, quietly, quietly, hoping to go unnoticed. We must warn the others, Na'Toth. After a thousand years the darkness has come again!"

Sheridan: "She said she'd be back before I even noticed she was gone. But she didn't come back, and I've been noticing she's gone every minute of every day ."

Delenn: "What ... am ... I?"

Garibaldi to Jack: "Shooting a senior officer is an act of treason and mutiny. The penalty is Spacing. They put you in an airlock, seal it and open the space door. You spend the next five minutes chewing vacuum till your lungs turn inside out, your eyeballs freeze and your heart explodes. It's the worst kind of death you can imagine. And when that day comes, I'll be there to push the button."

G'Kar: "A human book. I have been studying their literature for a while and I came across this. It would seem they may be wiser than we had thought. Listen: Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, the blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned. And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?" ("The Second Coming, by WB Yeats)

Sheridan: "Gets cold up here sometimes, doesn't it, Lieutenant Commander?"

IMPORTANT PLOT ARC POINTS
DELENN
Arc Level: Orange
The chrysalis is open! Delenn is revealed, and it seems that she has become a sort of hybrid of human and Minbari. She says this is so that she can better understand humans and act as a bridge between them, much as Sinclair is creating another one by living on Minbar. Sheridan, who has no doubt seen Minbari before, is open-mouthed in shock, as is everyone else, save perhaps Kosh, who must know what was going to happen, as Delenn consulted him before she entered the coccoon. Following on from what Lennier said in the last episode, it seems she may have taken the prophecy rather too literally!

THE SPIDER SHIPS
Arc Level: Red
Again we see these, once as smaller ones, perhaps fighters, attacking the retreating Narns as G'Kar tries to lead them to safety at the beginning of the episode, and again when the ship requested by him and sent by his government is destroyed when it goes to investigate the dark planet. Whatever is at Zha'Dum, whoever is responsible for those ships wants to keep it a secret!

DEATH OF A PRESIDENT
Arc Level: Orange
We see further evidence that Clark may have been involved in, or indeed orchestrated the death of his former boss, when he demands that Jack and all the relevant material is shipped home to Earth, whereupon everything seems to vanish as if it never existed.

ANCIENT RACES
Arc Level: Red
G'Kar is convinced that something old and incredibly powerful and evil is stirring back in its old haunts. He's right, and this power will not be the only ancient race to rear its head in the series.

MORDEN
Arc Level: Red
Again we meet the enigmatic Mister Morden, who starts to call in his favours from Londo, asking -- ordering, really --- the ambassador to keep him advised of anything he hears about strange events taking place out on The Rim. It's only due to his squealing to Morden about the Narn ships that they are destroyed, and though G'Kar suspects --- knows, really --- that Mollari has betrayed his confidence, he cannot prove it. Also, he surely finds it hard to believe that, even given their enmity towards one another and the history of their races, that the Centauri would put his own interests before that of the other worlds, of civilisation itself, and side with the darkness? Little does he know how far Londo Mollari will go to realise his ambitions.

PSI CORPS
Arc Level: Red
Again the idea that Psi Corps has its hands on the levers of power in government, even to the point of picking and then ensuring their candidate is put in charge, raises its head. Although the Corps is forbidden to sponsor political candidates it is widely believed that this is exactly what they did, greasing one would assume the right palms or perhaps violating the right minds to make sure they were not caught. The possibility of their being involved in the killing of the previous president is looking more and more likely. Despite Garibaldi's feelings for Talia, he realises she is still Corps and asks her to leave before he outlines his suspicions about the assassination to the others.

Note: On waking from his coma, Garibaldi asks to see the commander. When he hears that Sinclair has been reassigned he is slightly panick-stricken, and the sight of his new commanding officer does nothing to quell that panic, which becomes cold suspicion. He says grimly to Sheridan "I don't know you." For Garibaldi, this is equal to saying "I don't trust you." He will of course learn to trust the captain, but for now he's someone new, and someone new is someone you don't let your guard down with. Not just yet. It's also funny how, since we know his affinity for Daffy Duck cartoons, his first words on waking are "What's up doc?"

http://s5.postimg.org/sxn9fbexj/Futu...tle_screen.jpg

1.5 "Fear of a bot planet"

(Tagline: "Featuring gratuitous alien nudity!")

The crew at are a game. Not baseball, but something called blurn. Basically baseball with some crazy extra rules added. Bender gets annoyed about the subservient role robots play, not just in sport, but everywhere. Before he can get too upset though they are summoned back to the office, and the job is to take a package to a planet run by robots, who are known to kill humans on sight. Because of this, Bender is the only one who can deliver the cargo. Unfortunately, Bender is captured when the other robots somehow find out he works with humans, and it's up to Leela and Fry, dressed rather unconvincingly as robots, to try to rescue him.

When their cover is inevitably blown (what human could convince as a robot for any length of time?) they duck into a movie theatre to throw off the pursuit, and as it lets out find themselves caught up in the Human Hunt! Amazed, they find that the head of the hunt is none other than Bender! Of course he's using the situation to make a fast buck, and human hunts on a planet where there are precisely no humans --- unless you count Leela and Fry --- are particularly pointless, but in addition to that Bender has been feeling mightly cheesed-off about his treatment to date, so it's not too surprising that his sympathies might lie with his fellow robots.

When Bender meets up with them and realises they're on the planet he worries they will be caught, but tells them he does not want to go back to Earth with them. He likes it here. When they are caught, he can do nothing to defend them, having professed hatred for all humans, and made quite a pile of cash out of it. He listens while they're found guilty, and sentenced to live as robots do on Earth, performing menial tasks until they can be replaced with better models. This verdict, however, it turns out, was only for show, as the two humans are dropped into a pit wherein wait the Robot Elders. Handcarved from meteorites by the original robot founding fathers over four hundred years ago, they are the real power on the planet, and they order Bender to execute his friends!

He can't do it of course, and admits that much, if not all, of the propoganda put about concerning humans is incorrect. The Robot Elders tell him they know this, but humans are useful as a scapegoat and to keep people from concentrating on the other political issues on the planet. Fry uses the proprganda to his advantage though, threatening to breathe fire on them, as he has seen in the movie they went to that this is one of the things robots believe --- or have been led to believe --- humans can do. Confused for some moments as to whether humans can actually do this, or if it's something the Elders made up, the robot rulers are distracted long enough for the trio to make their escape. Now there is a real human hunt on, and the robots are about to catch them when Bender throws down the package they were to deliver, which as it happens contains the one thing they have a shortage of here: lug nuts.

Delighted that the famine is over, the robots praise their new human friends as the Planet Express crew fly away from another successful, and safely completed mission.

QUOTES
Zoidberg (at fast food stall): "I'd like a jumbo squidlog please."
Vendor: "We don't sell those."
Zoidberg: "All right, all right! Let me have one of your young on a roll!"
Vendor: "We're outta rolls."
Zoidberg: "Fine! Just give me something crawling with parasites!"
(Vendor hands him a hotdog)

Bender: "Admit it! You all think robots are just machines built by humans to make their lives easier!"
Fry: "Well, aren't they?"
Bender: "I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!"

Robot guardians: "Which of these would you prefer? A puppy, a flower from your sweetie, or a large properly-formatted datafile? Choose!"

Robot: "What kind of robot turns down an offer of searing hot resin?"
Leela: "Excuse me, my friend and I have to go perform some mindless, repetitive tasks."
Robot: "Uh-huh! Sounds like a romantic evening! I won't keep ya!"

Fry: "But Bender! We're your friends!"
Bender: "Friends? That activates my hilarity unit!"

PCRs

This one is a nerd's Paradise!

On the wall as they enter the robot city is a poster showing a robot dressed as Uncle Sam, with the legend, "I want YOU for the Anti-Human Patrol!"

Another sign, further in, says "Got milk? Then you're a human and must be killed!"

Some construction robots are working on a Tetris-like building. As they lower one section down they get distracted and the rest of the structure vanishes into the ground, to the foreman's groaning annoyance. Just like the game.

When Leela is revealed to be a human (all right, humanoid!) by sneezing, the robot points at her and screams, as happened in the remake of the classic Sci-Fi movie "Invasion of the bodysnatchers."

As the robots pursue the pair, they call in the language used in Robotron, the video game: "Get the humanoid! Get the intruder! Intruder alert!" A joy for those of us who used to play the game.

The signal to get the Human Hunt underway is one of the old Windows start file sounds

The computer judge in Leela and Fry's trial --- who is a computer, an old Mac or something --- hangs in the middle of "Judging" with a message "Sorry, a system error occurred!" and everyone shouts things like "clean the gunk out of the mouse!" "Jiggle the cord!" "Turn him off and on!" "Try control, alt, delete!" and Fry's "Call technical support!"

Again, even the title is a PCR, referring back to Public Enemy's album "Fear of a black planet".

A ROBOT CALLED BENDER
Bender is an advocate for mechanical equality --- though obviously not if it means he has to work as hard as a human! He loathes the fact that robots all do the menial tasks. He asks how many robot managers there are in the blurn Leagues --- which of course is none, though Fry guesses eleven --- and when a tiny robot cleans up the broken bottle he has dropped he snarls "Oh who's this cleaning up my crap? Is it a human child? I wish!"

Nevertheless, when he arrives on the robot planet and sees a chance to make some easy cash (why do robots need money? Anyway...) he grabs it and then decides he wants to stay where robots are in charge, and no humans boss them around. But in the end his friendship with Fry --- and to a lesser extent, Leela --- wins out and he helps them escape. He's known to invent "robot holidays" to get out of work, like Robonza, Robonaka and Robodon; nobody believes they're real and they just indulge him. Why they do is not certain (if you were to take this seriously and not as a cartoon) because he does little work, adds no value and complains all the time. Hardly the model employee!

He's certainly not above becoming something of a zealot when the other robots look up to him for his human-hating, pretending he has killed "a million billion humans", but essentially as we see it's all to push sales of his latest album, "Bender lets loose". When it comes to Bender, cash is most definitely king!

His protestations at being the only one who can deliver the package border on ridiculous, as Leela reminds him this is the only work he's ever been asked to do. Doesn't stop him complaining and grumbling about it though!

1.6 "A fishful of dollars"

(Tagline: "Loading...")
NEW CHARACTERS!
http://showbizgeek.com/wp-content/up...m-futurama.jpg
Here we meet Mom, the wealthy industrialist who rules the robotics industry with an iron hand. She presents a different face to the world, that of a kindly old grandmother, but in reality she's a fire-spitting, ball-breaking, chew-em-up-and-spit-em-out hardnosed tycoon, colder than ice and who makes Mister Burns look like a philanthropist. We also meet her three idiot sons, Walt, Larry and Ignar.

http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__...10/Scruffy.png
This is also the first time we see Scruffy, who we will later learn is the janitor at Planet Express. He's working at this time in "Le Spa", which is --- anyone? --- a spa, and he's giving Bender a backrub with a sander. We're not told who he is at the time, but it's interesting that this is in fact the first time he's shown. Never noticed it before.


Fry finds that advertising has progressed to the point where ads are now directed into the brain, so that they can become part of your dreams, and instil an unconscious desire to buy their product. It's while responding to such not-so-subliminal messages that Fry and his friends are out shopping, while Bender prefers to shoplift. But he gets caught, and the guys are fifty cents short of the money to pay his fine. Fry goes to the bank to get money, and is amazed and delighted to find that, due to compound interest, his meagre savings that he squirreled away in the twentieth century have blossomed into a fortune, and he is now a very rich man indeed.

He takes his friends out to dinner, for pizzas but is annoyed and dismayed that he can't have his favourite topping, as anchovies have been extinct for over eight hundred years now. Coincidentally, this is the time apparently that Zoidberg's race arrived on Earth... Anyway it's while at an auction to buy all the twentieth century relics he can for his new twentieth century apartment that Fry comes across an unopened can as one of the lots. He puts in a big bid, but then Mom appears and a bidding war erupts, with Fry eventually raising the stakes to "One jillion dollars", until he's told there's no such number. In the end he outbids Mom, who gracefully accepts defeat. In public. In reality she's fuming.

The thing is that she wants the anchovies to prevent them being used for their natural oil, which if extracted and synthesised could put her out of business, as the producer of the world's favourite brand of robot oil. She thinks that Fry knows this, but of course he doesn't. She decides to bankrupt Fry, so that he'll have to sell the fish. Having heard that Fry's PIN is the same as the price of a pizzas and soda in Panucci's Pizza, where he used to work, she sends her sons to setup an elaborate reconstruction of the place and convince Fry he's back in his own time.

In reality, it's pretty poorly handled. Larry keeps saying things like "This is a thousand years ago" and "Anchovies aren't extinct yet", which would give anyone with half a brain a clue something wasn't right. But unfortunately for him and fortunately for them, Fry has never possessed anything close to half a brain, and he falls for it. When they bring in Pamela Anderson to order a large pizza and soda (don't ask me why they chose her!) he tells her she owes him ten dollars and seventy-seven cents --- 10.77 --- and then goes on to clinch the award for stupidest person on Earth by unnecessarily mentioning that this figure is the same as his PIN!

With all his money stolen, and back to being poor, Fry is visited by Mom, who offers to buy the anchovies from him. He refuses to sell though, telling her that he is going to put them on a pizza so that his friends can enjoy them. Seeing that he truly doesn't have any designs on her robot oil empire, Mom leaves him to it.



QUOTES
Leela: "Didn't you have ads in the twentieth century?"
Fry: "Well, sure, but not in our dreams. Only on TV and radio, and in magazines, and movies, and at ballgames, on buses, milk cartons and t-shirts and bananas. And written in the sky. But not in our dreams."

Voiceover: "Mom, Love and Screen Door are all registered trademarks of MomCorp!"

Leela: "You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea why he's so crazy?"
Farnsworth: "Wha? Oh they say madness runs in our family! Some even called me mad! And why? Because I dare to dream of my own race of atomic monsters? Atomic supermen with octagonal shaped heads that suck blood out of..."

PCRs
When Fry tries on the Lightspeed (TM) Briefs, he sees himself as a lot hunkier, and with two girls hanging onto him. Then he looks up and sees on the mirror the warning: "Objects in the mirror are less attractive than they appear". You know where that comes from.

Not really a PCR but it's a funny sign outside the New New York Police Department station: "Ask about our generous brutality settlements!"

Fry puts on a CD of "Big butts" and Leela tells him he can't sit here listening to classical music!

1.7 "My three suns"

(Tagline: "Presented in DoubleVision (where drunk)")

NEW CHARACTER!
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_PuZoLkvmBb...s320/elzar.jpg
Elzar, an alien celebrity chef, is introduced via the cooking programmes that Bender watches, and he will become a recurring character in the show, mostly on the sidelines though. He has four arms, is purple and has a face sort of like a squished hog. His trademark catchphrase is "Let's kick it up a notch! Bam!"

Bender is embarrassed to admit he likes cooking, but is able to put his hobby to good use (sort of) when Hermes tells him that he can't continue getting paid unless he does something within the company, and so he is hired as the official onboard cook. Trouble is, he's terrible. He has no idea how to cook, much less cook for humans. After all, he doesn't eat, or have to eat, so how can he know how to feed people who do? His first meal does not go down as he would have hoped. In the words of the poet in Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, he was "disappointed" by the meal's reception. But the gang have been sent on a mission to the Galaxy of Terror, and they're already en route, so they have to live with it.

Unfortunately for Fry, the delivery point lies across a baking desert (why they couldn't have landed closer I don't know) and with the almost fatal dose of salt still in his system, it doesn't help that this planet has three suns, so that when one goes down, two more rise! He makes it to the palace of the emperor, where he delivers his package, but while he waits for someone to show up he can't resist the cool, clear bottle of water sitting on the throne, and drains it, only to find that this crazy planet is peopled by beings made entirely of water (why? On a desert world? What kind of evolution is that?) and he has just drunk the emperor!

As a result of the "assassination" of the emperor, Fry is crowned in his place. This seems to be the way the Trisolarans choose their ruler: the one is drunk by the next, and so on. Therefore there seems nothing odd in this very odd method of ascension to power, even if Fry is a human and not made of water. As he prepares for his coronation --- with his new prime minister, Bender, at his side --- he is told he must recite the royal oath flawlessly from memory, or he will be killed. This is not good news for Fry, who can barely remember his own name, let alone a lengthy and ancient oath!

Leela's attempts to convince him that he is in over his head fall on deaf ears, and she loses patience with him, leaving him to his fate. She goes back to the ship, but when the three suns set the Trisolarans see to their dismay that their emperor, whom Fry drunk, is still alive! He demands he be removed from Fry's stomach and rethroned, but that's a problem. With several alternative methods discounted, they settle on trying to make Fry cry him out. But Fry believes he is too macho to cry. It's only when Leela, responding to Bender's request for her help, comes to the rescue that he realises what a friend she is, and when Bender pretends she has been killed he begins to cry. The emperor begins to be removed, but then Fry sees Leela is alive and they have to resort to beating him up to get the tears. In the end the emperor is removed and all is well.

QUOTES
Hermes: "Bender, it has come to my attention that the company has been paying you to do nothing but just loaf about on that couch."
Bender: "You call that a couch? I demand a pillow!"

Fry: "Wow! You guys got every type of meat here, except human!"
Shopkeeper: "What? You want human?"

Fry: "Urrggh! That's the saltiest thing I ever tasted! And I once ate a two pound bag of salt!"

Bender: "There was nothing wrong with that food! The salt level was ten percent below a lethal dose!"

Leela: "Half these emperors were drunk at their own coronation!"
Fry: "Hey, I plan on having a few brewskis myself!"

Leela: "Don't you ever stop to think ahead?"
Fry: "Hell no! If I stopped to think I wouldn't be emperor. I wouldn't even be here in the future. It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All through the year the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. Then winter came and the grasshopper died, but the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car."

Zoidberg: "Relax Fry! I'll simply spin you in a high-speed centrifuge, separating out the denser fluid of His Highness."
Fry: "Won't that crush my bones?"
Zoidberg: "Oh right! Right! With the bones! I always forget about the bones!"

PCRs
As the guys walk through Little Neptune, they pass a shop called a Head Shop. Normally this refers to a shop that sells herbal remedies, shall we say, but this one seems to be actually selling heads in jars, like those in the Head Museum!

A junkie tries to get "Refreshing Crack!" from a vending machine. It stops halfway, not falling down the chute, and he slumps against the machine, beating it forlornly with his fists and crying "Come on, man! Don't hold out on me like this!"

Fry passes a big snail-like alien, says "What up?" to which the alien, sliding by, replies "Word!"

One of the cartons in the shop, alongside types of slug, says "I can't believe it's not slug!"

A ROBOT CALLED BENDER
Anxious to be the cook, and both fulfil his dreams of being a chef while retaining his job, Bender doesn't particularly care how well his food is received. When he goes to buy Neptunian Slug for the dinner, the shopkeeper asks him if he wants yellow or purple and he says he doesn't care. The shopkeeper warns him that the yellow one gives "terrible, nightmarish diarrohea", but Bender probably doesn't even know what that is, and isn't bothered.

He's intrigued to learn that Leela likes his "in your face" attitude, and despite his often dismissive tone with Fry is prepared to call in Leela to help them, knowing it's the only way to save his friend.

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Episode Four

Urquhart has accepted the nomination for leadership of the party, and with only six days to go to the ballot he sets about crippling or removing his rivals. He arranges for a protest to descend on the wheelchair factory where the Health Minister is making a visit, resulting in the accidental running down of someone in a wheelchair, ironically, removing Mackenzie from the running, and moves on to Harold Earle, who was caught some time ago in a compromising position with a rent boy. With two of the less than top runners removed he is left with only two real opponents, Patrick Woolton and Michael Samuels. He can't find anything on Samuels, but he has already laid plans for Woolton.

The first ballot to elect a leader does not prove anything; Urquhart gets a decent showing, but no more so than his two closest rivals, and the vote goes to a second ballot in a week. Roger O'Neill shows up at Francis's office and is clearly close to breaking point. Urquhart tells him to come down to his country house at the weekend and he'll sort everything, while castigating Mattie for having spoken to him and made his job harder. Meanwhile his plans proceed apace, and Patrick Woolton's wife receives the tape recording of his session with Penny. She is disgusted but believes it to be an attempt at blackmail, which could not have come at a worse time, politically.

However when he goes to confront Penny, and she says it wasn't her that sent the tape, he gets a call (at her apartment) from Urquhart, voice heavily disguised, to advise him that pulling out of the leadership race is the only alternative open to him now. He does so, very reluctantly, and gives his support to Urquhart, not because he likes him or because he suspects he was behind the taping, but simply because he hates him less than Michael Samuels. The lesser of two evils, you see. Woolton had already made his feelings clear to Urquhart about Samuels when he was the Chief Whip and sounding him out, so Urquhart knows how much he hates the man. He'd do anything to stop Samuels being PM, and if that means that he has to support and help elevate Francis Urquhart to power, then he'd rather it was him than Samuels!

Thinking about her rebuke at Urquhart's hands earlier, Mattie now wonders how it is that the Chief Whip knew she had contacted Roger O'Neill? He's not, so far as she knows, connected with the publicist, so how could he find out? She starts putting things together, the jigsaw beginning to fall into place, and a horrible suspicion is forming in her mind. Roger comes to visit Urquhart, but when he hears that there is to be no promotion for him in Urquhart's cabinet he loses it, and Urquhart sees he is too loose a cannon to be allowed free. While Roger sleeps in a drunken haze, he takes his bag, cuts his cocaine with rat poison and returns it to him before he awakes.

Urquhart packs him off in a hurry and when later, half-asleep, he pulls off the motorway and takes a hit of his cocaine he is later found dead in the men's room. As Mattie tries to put the pieces together, she keeps discounting Urquhart until she no longer has any choice: the evidence is mounting up and she is now unable to ignore that the man she was having an affair with could do such things. Armed with her frightening new theory, she goes to speak to Urquhart, desperate to hear that she is wrong. She's told by Stamper he's on the roof garden, and rushes up there to meet him. There, she demands the truth, and gets it. Urquhart confesses to everything, and then throws her off the roof. As her body hits, her dictaphone falls out of her pocket, and an unknown hand picks it up.

QUOTES
Urquhart: "Right. Mackenzie, Health. No chance of getting him into a demo at a hospital, I suppose?"
Stamper: "Oh no. He doesn't go to hospitals anymore. Kept getting beaten up by the nurses!"

Mackenzie's PA: "You'll meet Doctor Sinita Bramacheri (sp?), that's the cybernetics engineer who designed the award-winning chair."
Mackenzie (disinterestedly): "Indian, is he?"
PA: "She is a British citizen, Minister, born in Coventry."

Urquhart (in voiceover): "Playing with the hopes and dreams of a daughter; now gentle, now hard. Rebuking and rewarding, chastising and forgiving. The pleasures of a father, of a father of daughters. What greater power is there than that? Why should a man want more? Why should I yearn to be everybody's daddy?"

Stamper (reading): "Health Minister maims cripple in hit and run incident."
Urquhart: "Oh dear, the poor man must have panicked. Right, next."

Urquhart: "Be dreadfully ungentlemanly to bring that up again. And a man's private life should be his private life, surely?"
Stamper: "Yes, on the other hand, getting sucked off for sixpence in a second class compartment is hardly Prime Ministerial beahviour."
Urquhart: "Yes you do have a point there."

Urquhart: "I guarantee you Roger, that come Sunday you'll have nothing to worry about ever again. and that's a promise." This is in fact a chilling presentiment as to what is to come, did Roger but know it, but at least Urquhart will not be accused of not keeping his word.

Roger: "Don't you bloody try to sell me short, you old bugger! After all I've done for you! I lied for you, I stole for you! Oh God! I lost the best girl in the world for you! If you try to leave me stranded in the shit I'll drag you down with me till you're blind and drowned!"

Mattie: "Did you kill Roger O'Neill?"
Urquhart: "Yes."
Mattie: "How?"
Urquhart: "Rat poison. He had to be put down. He's at peace now."
This is twice now that Urquhart has referred to humans, people who got in his way, as animals, as beasts who had to be put down. It's clear he cares nothing for the ordinary man, or indeed anyone other than himself, and possibly his wife. Even in the first episode, we see him as a country gent, shooting birds (pheasants?) on his estate, and the parallel couldn't be clearer: Urquhart is one of nature's hunters, a predator, and Heaven help you if you become his quarry!

Urquhart (to camera): "Something made me turn around. I must have heard her. I had absolutely no chance of preventing her. Yes, I knew her, slightly. She was a very talented young woman. But rather highly strung. She had interviewed me on several occasions. I understand she was very upset about losing her job as political correspondent at a national newspaper." (Here, his speech turns into a radio address as he heads towards Buckingham Palace, ready to take his place as Prime Minister of the country) "Death is always sad, but the sudden and unexpected death of a young and talented person, on the threshold of her career, is especially upsetting."

Urquhart's final soliloquy to camera: "No, I have nothing to say. No. No. Don't you see? I had to do it. How could I have trusted her? You might very well think that. I could not possibly comment."


The real Urquhart
As the series progresses (this is the last in the first chapter but there are two more) we begin to see the mask of quiet respectability and genial humour fall from Francis Urquhart's face, and the monster that lurks behind it begins to tear its way through, blinking harshly in the light, snarling at the world and laughing evilly at how it has conned people.

The first time we really see this is when Urquhart rebukes Mattie for having contacted Roger O'Neill and Penny: she found out more than she was supposed to know, and it has put him in a very difficult position, one he did not expect to be in and one which upsets his plans. But the real face only looks out when Roger comes to see him, and threatens to blow the lid on their arrangement. Urquhart seizes him and growls warningly at him, his words like ice and his eyes like the blazing fires of Hell. All pretence to gentlemanly conduct and restraint is gone, and we can see the bully, the megalomaniac, the man who would be king, who will let nobody --- nobody! --- stand in his way. When he looks into those fearsome eyes, Roger O'Neill must surely fear for his life.

We see the real Urquhart in all his dark glory right at the end, when realising Mattie suspects his crimes, confirming them to her and unable to take the risk that her love for him will ensure her silence, he kills her, throwing her off the top of the roof garden. We can see it actually pains him to do this, and yet he is willing to sacrifice a young life in order to remove any threat to his upcoming coronation as it were. This act, however, will haunt him for the rest of his life, and become one of the things that eventually leads to his downfall.

Power behind the throne
As Urquhart spikes Roger O'Neill's cocaine he seems to talk to the camera, but at the very last, as he slips off his rubber gloves he hands them towards a second pair of hands which accept them; obviously Elizabeth has been watching, observing, and knows exactly what her husband is doing. She quite clearly approves of the murder, not only because she has already stated she does not like O'Neill, but because he is a liability, an impediment to Francis's rise to power, and she, like he, will allow nothing to stand in the way of that. When Roger has gone they share a conspiratorial smile and a kiss: partners in crime. Literally.

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1.2 "Simon"

It's ten years in the past as we open on episode two, and Simon Delaitre is playing bass in a pub rock band, due to be married the next day to Adele. As the band poses for a photograph, a young Lena starts messing on the drumkit, and Simon goes to help show her how to play properly. Adele takes a Polaroid of him with the little girl. Later that night his fiancee tells him she is pregnant but the next day, the day of the wedding, he does not turn up. It appears he has been killed, and Adele's world crashes down. We see, interestingly, that the one who brings her the news is the selfsame police captain that she appears now married to.

Back to the present, and Adele has been shaken by what she sees --- not surprisingly --- as her encounter with a ghost, literally, from her past. Simon, meanwhile, goes to the American Diner where he tries to get some food, but he has little money and the smartarse waiter will not help him, so in frustration he smashes a glass over his head and starts kicking the crap out of him. As he does so, he notices a woman watching him with half-interest, and we can see that it's the woman who was supposed to have burned in Mr. Costa's house. Simon looks at her, runs off.

Julie goes to the police station to see if she can pick up any clues as to whether any small boys are missing, but she does not admit that she has Victor. The officer will not allow her to leave without making a statement, much to her annoyance; she doesn't want to draw any more attention to the mysterious Victor than she has to, but she also feels a duty towards his parents, wherever they may be. Lena is upset that her family seems to be trying to pretend that all is normal, but she will not or cannot or does not want to accept that her sister has come back from the dead.

Simon returns to Julie's flat, asking how long she has been there. She tells him eight years, and when he asks does she know who Simon Delaitre is, and what happened to him, she says she hardly knew Adele and did not know Simon. He leaves, confused. She tells Victor that as far as she can tell nobody is looking for him, but he will not speak. He puts his arms around her though, and she feels a strong connection and a responsibility to the boy, though she can't say why. Adele meanwhile is planning her wedding to the police captain, Thomas, when he gets a call to say that the body of Lucy has been found. She is in fact not dead but not expected to last long. He hurries off, abandoning Adele.

In the church bathroom the sinks all back up with dirty black water, and at the dam the workers observe the slow fall of the water, worry on their faces. On her return to the apartment with Victor, Julie is told by the nosy Miss Payet about the suicide of Mr. Costa. She is shocked, as he was one of her patients, but she doesn't tell her neighbour that. Simon meets Lena in the Lake Pub, and she realises she knows him from somewhere, but it's not until she sees the photograph of her and him, taken ten years ago, that she realises, unbelievably, who he must be. Pierre visits again but Camille is not interested in his spiritual views on her return. Toni, the manager of the Lake Pub, is taken in for questioning by the police on the attack on Lucy Clarsen, and we find that he has been accused of a similar crime in the past, though acquitted. The nature of Lucy's attack is almost a carbon-copy of that crime: the girl was stabbed multiple times and her liver partially eaten. The same has happened to Lucy. Can there be any doubt it's the same man?

Simon goes to visit Adele at her work. Her priest, to whom she has confided about what she saw as the visitation, has encouraged her not to be afraid of him, but to welcome him, and she does, not realising that what she sees before her is not a ghost but a real person. On leaving the library though he is arrested by the police, who have him on CCTV attacking the bartender. A man appears out of the woods and approaches a locked cottage. He breaks the lock and enters. Camille sees her mother embracing Pierre in the garden. This is new to her: she now realises that her parents must have split up. Back at Julie's second-floor apartment, Victor climbs onto the windowledge ... and jumps! When the doctor rushes downstairs to see if he is okay he appears behind her, inside the apartment, smiling from behind the door.

Toni returns to his cottage and finds the lock broken. Inside is a dead dog or wolf, possibly that he has hunted, but when he goes back a moment later the wolf is alive again, and attacks him. He barely gets to his shotgun in time. As he is burying the dead-again dog the man who had come out of the forest appears beside him and shocked, Toni hits him with the shovel, running into the cottage where he barricades the door and begins praying fervently. The other man is banging on and kicking the door, and then suddenly stops. Toni looks out cautiously. All is quiet. Then a shovel hits him and he goes down.

Claire discovers that Camille has left the house; she can't get in touch with Lena either. Lena returns but without Camille. Laure, the police inspector working with Captain Thomas, tells him that Simon Delaitre is, according to their records, dead, and wonders how he managed to fool the system into thinking so. As Toni regains consciousness it becomes clear that the man who has struck him is his brother, Serge. Toni tells him that he died, and Serge looks, as you might expect, confused. Thomas is nonplussed to find that when he gets home the fiancee who was a bag of nerves this morning is now bright and cheerful.

Camille returns home, caustically asking her parents what they thought could possibly happen to her, as she's dead already, but inside she's very upset and confused. Lena tells her about Simon, and that she thinks he is dead also. As Julie gets ready for a shower, we see that there are terrible scars all over her belly...

QUESTIONS?
Leaving aside the big one for the moment, which will pretty much run through the whole series and which won't be answered this season anyway, there are more questions in this episode. If the woman who appeared in Mr. Costa's kitchen did not die in the fire he set, and she is already dead, then unlike zombies of myth fire will not destroy these people. What will? If no remains were found at the fire, did she simply free herself and walk out of the house, leaving no trace? How is it that Victor can jump off a balcony, not hurt himself (yeah, because he's dead, okay I get that) and then reappear inside the building? Can he jump back UP, and is this what he did when Julie went to look for him?

What happened to Toni's brother? Why, on seeing him for the first time, was his instinctive reaction to hit him with the shovel? And is Toni a killer? He says he was acquitted of the crime of the attempted murder of the other woman, but was he guilty? If Lucy is now lying in intensive care of the same wounds, could he be starting his killing spree again? And how does this tie in to the wounds we see on Julie's stomach? Is she the other victim, the one he was accused of trying to murder?

CONNECTIONS

We see here that Adele is planning to marry Thomas, the police captain. There is no confirmation of it, but is Chloe his daughter, or Simon's? She's about nine years old, and that would tally up with when Adele was pregnant with Simon's child. Simon also knows Lena, having helped show her how to play the drums, back when he was alive. The shock of seeing him, exactly as he was ten years ago, not a day older, in that photograph, added to the already massive trauma of dealing with the miraculous return of her dead sister, must be close to pushing Lena over the edge.

Nine months down the line: An update

While going through my journal and replacing all the images that may have harmful code attached (see my thread in "Announcements" re malware) I noticed that I had written a list of shows I intended to feature here in upcoming months. That was in January (seems so far away now!) and now we're in October, so here's an update on what has been, and has still to be, tackled here.

Key:
Green = Already in progress
Orange = In the pipeline for the immediate future
Red = Not yet planned but definitely intended and under consideration
Black = Decided against
Purple = Added to since the list was originally written

Spooks (UK) --- Drama series concerning MI5, the British Secret Service. One of the most outstanding and inventive spy series ever, with some amazing scenarios and the clear intention of leaving no character safe from being killed off, no matter their popularity or status. Makes "24" look like "Baywatch" at times! 10 full seasons, now finished. Main star: Peter Firth as Sir Harry Pearce.

Farscape (Australia) --- Science-fiction series about an American astronaut who is hurled off course and into a distant part of the galaxy, where he must fight to survive, making alliances and enemies and trying to discover a way home. Features the characters from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, and written by sci-fi legend Rockne S. O'Bannon. 4 full seasons, plus one TV movie to wrap everything up nicely. Completed now. Main star: Ben Browder as John Crichton.

Love/Hate (Ireland) --- Yeah, Ireland! We're proving we can produce some pretty fine drama, none better than this gritty, realistic look at the criminal underworld in Dublin. Not quite the Sopranos, but it's a tough, harrowing drama following the fortunes of a local gang who believe most if not all disputes are handled at the barrel of a gun. Three seasons and counting, last one to date just finished a month ago. Main star: Robert Sheehan as Darren Treacy, who you may know from "Misfits".

Futurama (USA) --- What's not to like? Hilarious animated show from the creator of the Simpsons, set in the thirtieth century, but proving that people don't get any brighter in a thousand years. Great characters including Bender the alcoholic robot, Leela the one-eyed alien and Fry the delivery boy from the 21st century. Seven seasons, despite cancellation after the fifth, and still going strong. Main star: Billy West as Fry.

Sleeper Cell (USA) --- Another show that gave "24" a run for its money, but got little or no press or recognition, Sleeper Cell was a much more pragmatic approach to the idea of terrorist cells in America, with a CIA operative going deep undercover to try to infiltrate one such cell. It was gritty and uncompromising, and didn't feature a countdown clock. Only ran for two seasons, with the last one more than likely to have ended any possibility of future seasons, though there's always hope. Main star: Michael Ealy as Darwyn Al-Sayeed.

The Onedin Line (UK) --- Period drama from the BBC, set in Liverpool in the nineteenth century and chronicling the exploits of the titular James Onedin, from simple sea captain to shipping magnate, against the bustling backdrop of sea trade during the 1860s. A family drama and an action drama, and my all-time favourite show. Ever. Eight seasons, which ran during the 1970s and early 80s. Main star: Peter Gilmore as James Onedin.

The House of Cards trilogy (UK) --- Based on the hugely successful novels of Michael Dobbs, this three-programme series takes a look into the darker corners of the corridors of power, where we see a humble minister in the English government rise to become Prime Minister, and the lengths he will go to in order to keep his hold on power, and prevent his awful past from being revealed to the public. In three parts, as I say, titled in order "House of cards", "To play the king" and "The final cut", this is perhaps one of the most incisive and biting political dramas you are likely to see. Politics laid bare, greed, corruption, murder and powerplays; all the great elements of a Shakespearian tragedy, without the boring archaic English references. Main star: Sir Ian Richardson (RIP) as Francis Urquhart.

Robin of Sherwood (UK) --- The tale of the archer from the Greenwood has been told many times, often badly, sometimes well, but nobody ever got it as spot-on as HTV's "Robin of Sherwood". Mixing pagan magic, legend and historical fiction with just the right amount of drama and a touch of humour, this show still stands as the yardstick against which all future shows regarding Robin Hood would be measured, most if not all falling far short. With a mesmerising soundtrack by Irish band Clannad, the celtic influence in Robin of Sherwood can't be overstated. Three seasons in total. Main star: Micheal Praed (and later, Jason Connery) as Robin.

Brimstone (USA) --- So you think "Reaper" is original, do you? Well, a decade before that was even on the drawing board, "Brimstone" was running, with its premise of returning a cop who has died and gone to Hell, in order to capture a bunch of souls who have escaped too, and return them to the Pit. Should he succeed, he will be brought back to life. The series only ran for one season before being cancelled, a fact that has always stuck in my throat, as I consider it one of the best series ever made. Main star: Peter Horton as Ezekiel Stone, though really it's John Glover as the Devil who steals the show.

Lilyhammer (Norway) --- Whoever had the inspired idea of taking a Mafia criminal from the US and transplanting him to a little town in Norway deserves a reward, because the whole fish-out-of-water series is hilarous, endearing, enthralling and engaging as Frank "The Fixer" Tagliano becomes Giovanni "Johnny" Henriksen, and tries to settle down in Lillehammer, but soon starts shaping life in the sleepy town to the sort of thing he's used to, running into trouble with the local law and becoming once again a big fish in a very small pond. Only the one season so far, but another is promised. Main star: Steve Van Zandt as Frank/Johnny (Yeah, that one!)

Game of Thrones (USA) --- Do I need to talk about this? George RR Martin's book cycle, "A song of ice and fire" comes to the TV screen with graphic sex and violence, a warts-and-all series that pulls no punches in any way, and was probably, when it was screened at the time, the best thing on telly anywhere. Find anyone --- even someone not into fantasy --- who hasn't seen it, and I'll send you a million Euro. Okay then, one Euro. Seriously, I'm sure everyone watched this. Two seasons to date as we wait for the third to start in a few months time. Main star: Sean Bean as Neddard "Ned" Stark.

True Blood (USA) --- Vampires in the deep south! Based on the novels of Charlaine Harris, this series follows the adventures of a vampire and his lover in the sleepy litlte town of Bon Temps, Louisiana, as each learns the other's secrets and evils both small and apocalyptic threaten their home town. Graphic and violent with a ton of sex, it's another one that most people have probably seen. Now moving into its sixth season. Main star: Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse.

The New Statesman (UK) --- Comedy legend Rik Mayall puts on a straight face and yet manages to pull of some of his funniest moves in a series lampooning the Conservative Party and politics. Mayall is Alan Beresford B'Stard, a right-wing Tory politician who will stop at nothing to get his way. Money is what he craves, and women. And power. His machinations are just breathtakingly satirical, and he plays the part with a machivellian delight you would have thought not to see from the man who brought us such characters as Ritchie Rich and Rick from the Young Ones. Four seasons, with two special extra episodes. Main star: Rik Mayall as Alan Beresford B'Stard, MP.

Rome (UK/USA)--- Brutal retelling of the time of gladiators and senators, emperors and wars, as two ex-gladiators try to make their way through their tough lives while getting tangled up in historical events. The show was noted for not only its explicit violence (probably a precursor to the likes of "Spartacus" series) but also for the fact that its main characters were all loosely based on real figures of ancient antiquity. Rome ran for two seasons only. Main star(s): Kevin McKidd as Lucius Vorenus and Ray Stevenson as Titus Pullo.

Blood Ties (Canada) --- Another vampire series, this follows something that would become a bit of a trend and had already started with another Canadian series, "Forever knight", in that it features a vampire who assists the main character in her police work. It only ran for the two seasons, was pretty much blasted by the critics, and yet they loved the vastly inferior and quite similar "Moonlight"? Main star: Christina Cox as Victoria "Vicki" Nelson.

Life on Mars/Ashes to ashes (UK) --- One of the most inventive and interesting shows of the period, "Life on Mars" follows present-day cop Sam Tyler as he is somehow sent back in time to the seventies, where not only does he have to deal with "old" cop behaviour, but he must also ascertain if this is all a dream, and if so, how he can wake up? The followup series, "Ashes to ashes", did not feature Sam but concentrated on his workmates back in the 1970s, concentrating on his old boss. "Life on Mars" ran for two seasons, "Ashes to ashes" for three. Main star: (LoM) John Simm as Sam Tyler (A2A) Phil Glenister as Gene Hunt.

Spaced (UK) --- One of the few times when I will break my rule about comedy shows (yes, I know I said "The New Statesman" and "Futurama" are already being featured, but that's different!), I had to include one of the cleverest and seminal comedies of the very late nineties, with more pop culture references than you can throw a sealed, boxed collector's edition figurine of Boba Fett at, Spaced was the creation of then-unknown but now iconic cult star Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevens, both of whom also starred in it. It ran for two seasons.

La Femme Nikita (Canada) --- Not the current "Nikita", which is a remake/follow-on, this is the original series, based on the film, which ran up until 2001 and features Nikita, a vagabond who lives on the street and is involved in a murder, after which she finds herself in an odd organisation called Section, who train her to be an assassin and fighter, and for whom she carries out covert operations. Ran for five seasons. Main star: Peta Wilson as Nikita.

Homeland (USA) --- Based on the Israeli series "Prisoner of war", Homeland tells the tale of a soldier who is discovered alive, having been held in captivity in hostile territory by Al Qaeda, and who is feted as a war hero on his return home. But the soldier has been turned, and is working for the enemy. Only one person suspects the truth, and she is shrugged off by her superiors as she is known to have a history of mental problems. Homeland just won the Emmy for best drama a few days ago, and is currently finished its second season, with a third in the pipeline. Stars: Damian Lewis as Nicholas Brody.

Ultraviolet (UK) --- Never has the subject of vampires been treated more clinically on TV. Never called vampires, but rather "Code Fives", they are hunted by a special squad of crack police formed to pursue vampires. However, one of the men on the team has, unbeknownst to all but his best friend, become a vampire himself... Ran for just the one season but was highly acclaimed. Main star: Jack Davenport as Detective Sgt Micheal Colefield.

24 (USA) --- Again, everyone is likely to know, or know of this series, which star Kiefer Sutherland and really restarted his career as the hard-as-nails Counter Terrorist Jack Bauer, who each season has to face a threat to America's security in a desperate race against the clock. 24 was innovative in its use of (apparently) real-time events, so that each episode was one hour in the twenty-four hours Bauer has to save the world, and the clock would regularly tick down onscreen as time began to run out. Series ran for eight seasons.

The booth at the end (Canada) --- An incredibly inventive and thoughtful series, which features "the man", who sits in, you guessed it, the booth at the end of a cafe. If you have a problem, go to him and he will ask you to do something, whereafter your problem will cease. But beware: he will not give you an alternative, you must do what he asks if you want your wish to come true. For some clients, it's as simple as a phone call. Others may have to build a bomb and set it off in a public place. According to him, even he doesn't know what the request is going to be, but it's not negotiable. Two seasons so far. Main star: Xander Berkeley as "The Man".

Hustle (UK) --- Welcome to the world of the con. These guys can make you part with your cash, no matter how hard it may seem. A team of grifters who don't know the meaning of the word "impossible", Hustle is a sassy, hip series that shows up the innate greed of humanity and how easy it is to use that greed to separate people from their possessions. Ran for eight seasons. Main star: Adrian Lester as Micky Bricks/Michael Stone.

Taken (USA) --- Nothing to do with the action movie starring Liam Neeson (or indeed, the second action movie, also starring Liam Neeson!) this is Steven Spielberg's sprawling drama chronicling the lives of three familes, who are all influenced one way or another by the arrival of aliens. The series runs over generations, and is in fact a miniseries, therefore just the one season. Main star: Joel Gretsch as Owen Crawford.

Hell on wheels (USA) --- Telling the story of the building of the railroad across America, and the people who were involved in it, Hell on wheels is set in the 1860s and features such themes as racial segregation, anti-Indian sentiment, greed, power and betrayal. Two seasons so far, with a third due. Main star: Anson Mount as Cullen Bohannon.

Tripping the rift (Canada) --- A gloriously irreverent, sexy and totally politically incorrect space comedy animation, Tripping the rift began life as two short internet cartoons and soon grew to a whole series. The show is based loosely around sci-fi precepts but just refuses to take itself seriously and is probably the most fun you can have while still dressed or sobre. Ran for three seasons. Main star: Stephen Root as Chode McBlob.

Forever Knight (Canada) --- Already mentioned, this follows the exploits of vampire Nicholas Knight, who in regret for his life of murder and mayhem as one of the undead seeks to atone by working for the police. He also hopes to become human again. The series ran for three seasons, and was one of the better vampire/cop crossover shows. Main star: Geraint Wyn Davies as Nicholas Knight.

Poltergeist: the Legacy (Canada) --- Nothing really to do with the horror movies of the same name, Poltergeist: the Legacy concerns the activities of a shadowy group called the Legacy, who battle supernatural evil in all its forms. Intensely mature for its time, with a very dark subtext, it's one of the best shows you've never seen. Ran for four seasons, despite being initially cancelled after the third. Main star: Derek de Lint as Derek Rayne.

Boardwalk Empire (USA) --- The prohibition era comes to life in the latest gangster show to hit the TV screens. Set in Atlantic City in the 1930s, the show follows the life of mobster Enoch "Nucky" Thompson and his cohorts as they run illegal alcohol into the city during "the dry years", using every method at their disposal to thwart the authorities as well as their rivals. Tough and violent with a soundtrack endemic to the time, it's currently in its third season and to be renewed for a fourth. Main star: Steve Buscemi as Nucky Thompson.

Sons of Anarchy (USA) --- Called "The Sopranos on motorcycles", it's far better than that comparison. The inhabitants of Charming, California are "protected" by the local Hell's Angels chapter, the SAMCRO, or Sons of Anarchy, who run everything from guns, drugs, prostitution and booze to keep their profit margins fat. There are however divisions among the club, with the younger generation wondering if the time has not come to have a go at being more legit? Currently in its fourth season, and already renewed for a fifth and sixth, with the real possibility of a seventh and final being commissioned. Main star: Charlie Hunnam as Jackson "Jax" Teller.

Burn Notice (USA) --- One of the funniest, smartest and slickest drama shows ever to hit the screens, Burn Notice takes us inside the world of the spy, as a disgraced agent tries to supplement his income by taking on freelance jobs while also trying to find out who "burned" him, that is, blacklisted him with the CIA. In its sixth season, with a seventh due. Main star: Jeffrey Donovan as Michael Westen.

Les Revenants (The Returned) (France) --- In a quiet small French village, a young girl who was killed in a bus crash four years ago arrives back in her hometown, and soon, other dead people begin walking the streets too.. One season so far, with another due in 2014.

Mayday (UK) --- A murder/mystery with a difference, set in a quiet rural English town. When the Queen of the May is brutally killed every male in town seems to have something to hide. But who is the killer? Self-contained, one season.

The West Wing (USA) --- Multi-Emmy winning series set in the White House, chronicling the events that shape the lives of those who serve the President of the USA. Martin Sheen stars. Seven seasons in all.

Frasier (USA) --- One of the cleverest comedies ever to hit US TV, teh spinoff from "Cheers" sees psychiatrist Frasier Crane head for a new life in Seattle, but much of the baggage he left behind is about to catch up on him...Eleven seasons total.

The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (UK) --- Cult Sci-fi comedy series, perhaps the first to ever look at science-fiction in a, well, seriously funny way. Just the one season.

The Apprentice (Various) --- Reality show in which budding entrepreneurs get a chance to work for Donald Trump (US version), Lord Sugar (UK version) or Bill Cullen (Irish version), performing various tasks each week until all but one are eliminated and that one is chosen as the winner. Various, still on the go. UK version now ten seasons, US version thirteen, Irish four.

Romanzo criminale (Italy) --- Italy's answer to "The Sopranos". The tale of a young man who rises to become a crime godfather, the things he does to get and maintain power, and his eventual fall from grace. Two seasons.

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1.6 "Lesser of two evils"

A known IRA terrorist comes to one of MI5's safehouses, with important information which he is prepared to exchange . He mentions Asabiyah, an Al Quaeda splinter group working out of Sudan, and against Harry's better judgement they agree that Tom should go to meet him, to see what he knows, if it's credible. Patrick McCann, the IRA man, tells Tom that they have got wind of a possible attack on one of Britain's nuclear power stations, Sefton B, by the Sudanese movement and asks for thirty hours non-surveillance, for the security forces to turn a blind eye to what the IRA are doing --- "conductin' a little business", as he says --- for that length of time. In return, he'll pass on the full details of the planned attack.

Harry is dubious. McCann has assured Tom that the "business" he speaks of is not a terrorist attack, but how to trust a man to whom killing is second nature and who hates the British? He has mentioned that this nuclear attack threatens Ireland too, his homeland being in the line of fire and likely to be as badly affected as Britain if the plan succeeds, but Harry thinks the whole story is concocted as a way to get the security forces to allow the IRA free rein for their operation. He vetoes the deal Tom has tentatively made with McCann, telling him that the IRA man is now under surveillance. He is more worried about what the dissidents are going to do on his homesoil than about some phantom threat to a nuclear power plant. Nevertheless, he gets Zoe and Danny to check the viability of such a thing.

Tom, incensed when he learns that he has been duped, goes over Harry's head and keeps the meeting. Harry is of course furious, the moreso when he finds that the "business" McCann is talking about is an attack on a train station at rush hour. When Tom challenges McCann he snarls that they are at war, and warns him not to interfere or he won't get the information he needs to stop the nuclear plant attack. Tom concocts a plan to fool Harry into thinking they are carrying out his orders, stopping the train station bomb, but in reality they are trying to find out all they can about the other attack.

They manage to force closure of the station by pretending the roof is unsound and advising it could be a serious risk. The bomb goes off but there are no casualties. Harry of course soon rumbles the ruse and is again not happy, but Tom's team have confirmed the make of rocket launcher stolen that could be used against the power plant, and more worryingly, it's shoulder mounted. When he calms down Harry accepts that Tom, Zoe and Danny did the right thing, and now they need the information on how and when that weapon is intended to be used.

Tom goes to keep the rendezvous with McCann but is captured, however the IRA don't kill him, but hand over the information they promised they would. The area around Sefton B is evacuated, another hoax story, this time about an outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease, and with the information they now have MI5 set about trying to find the two terrorists who have been picked up on CCTV already in the country. At the last moment they're caught and shot, and the danger is averted.

Harry calls Tessa in, tells her he knows about the phony payoffs. She counters by saying she knows he has secrets he would not want brought out into the light. She tries to blackmail him, but he calls her bluff and she is fired. Back at the house, Tom receives a call from McCann, apologising that there is C4 explosive in the laptop he gave him with the details of the planned nuclear station attack. Trouble is, Tom is now outside his house, inside which Ellie and Masie are making cakes, and the new high-tech security door can only be opened with the special passcard, which he has not taken with him and which Masie has got chocolate all over, so it won't work.

Stuck inside the house, with all the alarms set and no way to get out, Ellie gets the laptop and Danny talks her through disarming the bomb, but there is no time. Tom looks in the window helplessly as the police team pulls back to get away from the blast zone.


Harry's World
As Special Branch rush to intercept and arrest McCann, Harry mutters "He'll be long gone by then, and all we'll be left with is the smell of sulphur!"

"Tom, we all know that the word of the IRA is about as permanent as a fart in a wind machine!"

When he suggests killing McCann and Tessa snaps "This isn't Guatamala!" he smirks "Let me rephrase for faint hearts: we bring about a curtailment of his continuing existence through proxy!"

Harry talks about his experiences while serving in Ireland:
"I was in Ireland in 1978. My best friend was a man called Bill Crombie. One day we found ourselves in a rebel pub, looking for an IRA brigade commander. Terrible mistake. I left, he stayed. Bravado. They shoved him in the boot of a car; I could do nothing. I had no field telephone, no weapon. They dumped his body two weeks later. Very hard to identify a body, most of which has been burned away with a blowtorch. The brigade commander's name was Patrick McCann."

After Zoe tells him it's over: "Tom made the mistake of telling me that after his first probation and I'll tell you what I told him, Zoe: it's never over. You may dance with the devil but it's always to his tune."

To Tessa, when he finds out about her phantom agents: "I'm sorry Tessa; I know the service's traditional approach to wrongoers is to smother them with kindness, but I'm going to throw you to the wolves."

The "Need to know"
Of course, word that the nuclear power station is under threat would instigate mass panic, so MI5 spread a cover story involving an outbreak of foot-and-mouth disease, which enables them to evacuate the area and isolate the plant. Understandable, but makes you wonder how many of these stories we hear in real life of gas leaks and so forth are the whole truth?

Also, when Tom's house is about to be blown sky-high the neighbours are evacuated with the story that there is a gas leak. The sudden influx of police gives the lie to that, but then, when the police say, get out, it's usually best to follow their orders.


The mind of a terrorist
McCann: "They do what I think they're going to do, most of Ireland's uninhabitable for the next two hundred years, not to mention everything north of Bristol. Nobody would miss Wales.." McCann is forced into a compromise with the old enemy, because for once what threatens the Brits also threatens his beloved Ireland. It's a pact with the devil. On both sides.

McCann, on the discovery of the planned IRA attack: "We're at war with Britain. There's no such thing as terrorism in wartime. We're striking back, right at your throat. We've had enough of words, we're back in business in a big way. The rules have changed, the gloves are off."

Family
Desperate to keep his lover and her daughter safe, Tom has had the house upgraded to the very latest security system, and entices Ellie back. After the falling out last episode it seems Ellie is prepared to forgive him and moves back in. But fate has a very dark joke to play on Tom, when the laptop he got from the IRA turns out to have been rigged with explosives, and thanks to the high-tech security system both Ellie and Masie are trapped in the house, unable to escape as the countdown timer on the bomb ticks down to oblivion.

Although Harry sees most of his people as an extended family, he is, as we have seen, prepared to be the strict father where required, and with Tessa her avarice is probably not as bad as the fact that she tried to pull the wool over Harry's eyes --- well, succeeded in doing that actually. If it hadn't been for Zoe squealing on her Tessa would still be pocketing payments to agents who don't exist. When Tessa fights back and threatens to blacken Harry's good name, he calls her bluff and has her removed from the building. It surely hurts, and he probably feels betrayed, but in another way he may he relieved, because it seems clear that Tessa was always going to be looking to take his job, either when he got promoted or by having him removed one way or the other. She's an ambitious woman, and at MI5, ambition can be deadly.

The Shock Factor
Can only be the final scenes, where, in the season finale, with everything tied up neatly, a horrible twist in the story leads to Tom losing the two people most dear to him, and knowing that it was his fault. He asked Ellie to come back to the house, he had the new security system installed, which ironically ended up making the house not their sanctuary but their tomb. We don't even know if Tom escapes, or stays there with Ellie and Masie as the bomb goes off: there are about forty seconds left as the scene fades out with him looking in the window at the two girls. And in Spooks, you can take nothing for granted.

Notes on the first season
Now that we've seen the first six episodes and come to the end of the first season of Spooks, it's clear that it was no ordinary spy drama. The simple fact that it ran for ten seasons alone is proof of that. Although not as fickle as US television networks, BBC have been known to dump more than one concept that, if left to bed in, could have been real moneyspinners and ratings successes, so that fact that Spooks received such support from the network is in itself indicative of how great a series it was.

One of the few shows to do things like have its major characters killed off, as we will see in future seasons, turn things around and make it so that the good guys did not always win, Spooks was a series where, appropriately, the lines were always blurred and everything existed in multi-layered shades of grey. Already one major character has gone (Tessa) and two peripheral characters, Ellie and her daughter who, while not important to the main plotline, were the most important thing in the life of one of the most important characters. With these "reality anchors" gone, how will Tom respond? Will he go after the IRA, seeking revenge for their deaths? Will he leave the service, mindful that it was his job that led to those deaths? Did he stay there, outside the house, choosing to die with the people he loved?

One thing is certain. As the series progresses, it will be a brave man or woman indeed who predicts what will happen next, for in Spooks, the unexpected, the inconceivable, the unbelievable and the dreaded are all just part of another average day at the office.

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1.7 "Baa baa black sheep"

B'Stards's worst fear has come to pass: he has been deselected as the Member of Parliament for Haltemprice. His refusal to engage with his constituents, ask questions in the House or basically do any of the work expected by an MP has led to Roland, Sarah's father and head of the local Conservative party, finally deciding he's had enough, and B'Stard will be out on his ear as soon as he can arrange it. There is however a one-month window before the next meeting of the Party, and Roland can't officially do anything before making the motion --- which will be carried, as he wields power with an iron fist --- leaving Alan time to try to do something to enhance his reputation and curry favour with the party. It doesn't prove that easy though, and he's running out of options when Norman, his transformation to female almost complete now, comes up with the winning idea.

A chain of fast food diners in the USA, Lamb Burger Guzzler, wants to open two hundred outlets in the UK. If Alan can get them to situtate their factory in Haltemprice, he'll be so popular that Roland won't dare deselect him. Only one problem: why would they choose his constituency over the many other sheep-rearing districts in Yorkshire, never mind the rest of the country? Well, Norman (Norma?) tells him, the owner of the chain, Willoughby Guzzler, is a strict Christian fundamentalist. As the only other place suitable from an economic point of view is Wales, B'Stard must convince Guzzler that due to his hedonistic lifestyle, Welsh Secretary of State Garonwe Hopkins would be an unwise choice for business partner.

He begins to compile dirt on the man, getting the lowdown from Sir Stephen about a scandal Hopkins was involved in with an exotic dancer, for which he ended up taking the blame himself. The old politician therefore has something of an axe to grind with Hopkins, which helps Alan. He invites Hopkins to his club, where he introduces him to Norma(n), who has to play the part of a vamp if he wants the ten grand he needs to complete his sex change operation. One thing leads to another, but when he discovers literally what is up Norma's skirt, Hopkins' heart gives out and he dies just as Alan bursts in with his camera, all ready to blackmail. Well, at least his rival has been removed, just more permanently than he had intended.

And so he sets up a meeting with Guzzler, but even with the competition out of the way it's still going to be a slog. Guzzler invites him to dinner tomorrow to discuss it --- him and his wife. When it looks like he's not married, Guzzler intimates this could blow the deal, and Alan, unable to trust Sarah, drafts Norma(n) in as his wife! Later he talks to Roland, who is looking very much forward to deselecting him, and B'Stard asks him about the possibility of selling him his sheep farming business, as he will need an alternative source of income once he is booted out of the Tory camp. Roland is incredulous, but remarks that he's finding it hard to make a living from farming sheep these days, and as B'Stard is happy to pay over the odds, Roland's greed wins out. At the dinner, Guzzler and his wife make improper suggestions to Alan and Norma, but they resist and it turns out that the American was testing them, to see were they righteous. Having heard a lot of bad press about Alan, Guzzler wanted to know if he really was a God-fearing man, and Alan has proven he is.

So Guzzler will build his factories in Haltemprice, B'Stard will be a hero and Roland will be unable to deselect him. Better yet, as he has managed to convince the old man to sell up his sheep farming business to him, Roland is going to be fuming at missing out on the Lamb Burger deal, from which he would have made a fortune, which will now be going into the pockets of his hated son-in-law!

QUOTES
Sarah: "Daddy! Lovely to see you! Staying for lunch?"
Roland: "No thank you, not hungry. Just chewed up and spat out your husband. I'm going now but it's him who's on the way out!"

B'Stard: "This is politics, not real life!"

Sarah: "But you're forgetting something, darling. I loathe and despise you: why would I help you?"
Alan: "Well, because I pay for all this sexy lingerie."
Sarah: "It is sexy, isn't it? Turning you on?"
Alan: "Well, as Kipling probably said, down in the jungle, something stirred."
Sarah: "Oh darling, I'm sorry if I'm giving you a Rudyard-on! But let's not spoil a perfectly stable marriage by trying to reintroduce sex into it!"

Cop: "Sorry Sir but there's a lady outside, says she's got an appointment."
B'Stard: "What's she look like?"
Cop: "Well, I suppose you could say she looks like something out of "Dallas"."
B'Stard: "Ooh! You mean Sue Ellen?"
Cop: "No Sir, I was thinking more of JR!"
(Nobody under 20 years old will get that reference...)

B'Stard: "Wait a minute! There must be dozens of places where they breed sheep --- not including the Cabinet!"

Sir Stephen: "Garonwe developed a nasty cold, so his doctor ordered him to go to bed and suck a Fisherman's Friend." Cue disbelieving looks from B'Stard...

Alan (reading the Bible): Thou shalt not what?" Laughs evilly.

Alan: "The Welsh are essentially a pagan race, only drawn to Christianity by the prospect of a good sing-song!"

Guzler: "My little Edie says The family that stays together, stays together! We make lousy mottos, but great burgers!"

Alan: "Norma is a one-man woman."
Norma: "In every possible way!"

Alan: "Lamb of God?"
Norma: "He means Jesus."
Alan: "Who?"
Norma: "Jesus."
(Alan looks blank)


MACHINATIONS
This time the two things mesh perfectly: Alan's sense of self-preservation with his ever-present greed and desire to make even more money. Not only that, there's an extra up side for him, when he cheats his nasty father-in-law out of a big cash windfall by convincing him to sell him his sheep farming business, just as Lamb Burger Guzzler set up in Haltemprice, a virtual goldmine that B'Stard now owns. In an attempt to save himself he manages to destroy his only rival, makes himself a hero in the constituency, bringing investment and employment to the area, thereby becoming indispensable to the party and thwarting Roland's plans to deselect him. He also manages to hurt Sarah by ripping off her father. The best of all worlds.

THE USER AND THE USED
NORMAN/NORMA
The last time we will see him/her, I suppose you could say in a way Norma(n) has not been totally used. For one thing, as Alan's accountant he's been responsible for, as he says himself in an earlier episode, thirty or forty accounting errors, so he's no angel. Plus B'Stard is paying him for his sex change operation in return for playing the role he does. Nevertheless, he involves him in a plot with leads, inadvertently, to the death of the Welsh MP and then later bullies him into pretending to be his wife. Alan knows there is no way Willoughby Guzzler will site his factories here if it turns out the Haltemprice MP is single, and he also knows that Sarah would delight in putting him down and spoiling the deal --- she knows too much about him and is all too willing to share ---- so he considers the transforming Norman the best bet, even if it must make him sick to his stomach, Alan B'Stard being a real dyed-in-the-wool bigot. As he says in a later episode, "I hate queers almost as much as I hate poor people!"

WHAT IS LOVE?
SARAH
Of course we've seen by now that Alan and Sarah's marriage is one of complete convenience, and stands only on the twin pillars of Alan's need to retain his seat in the House of Commons and Sarah's equally vital need to shop. They seem to have reached some sort of a compromise, but according to Sarah do not have sex any more. Well, not with each other. This arrangement will get harder to maintain as the seasons go on, and love, if it has not already, will certainly turn to hate, at times psychopathic.

It could even be Sarah's idea --- though I doubt it --- to have Alan deselected. Thinking about it, very unlikely. Without his seat, though Alan must by now have squirelled away millions, he would have no reason to keep Sarah around and would divorce her like a shot, and without the money she needs to, as he later says, "assault Harrods", she would wither and die. Still, she doesn't seem particularly worried when he tells her of her father's plans. Perhaps she realises that her cunning husband is a match for even the Chairman of the local branch of the Conservative Party.

SIDEKICK
No, no role whatsoever for Piers in this episode! He doesn't appear in it even once. But never fear: you'll see plenty of him in season two!


THE B'STARD BODYCOUNT
Add another to Alan's list, which will only grow with time. This time it's literal, as he causes, however unintentionally, the death of Garonwe Hopkins from a heart attack. Though he didn't mean it, and had only meant to blackmail the man, force him to retract his bid for the factories, he doesn't seem in the least bothered by what has happened. Just another body on the trail to power.

Non-Lethal
Unnamed cabby:I didn't include it in the last episode because I was debating ... okay. I forgot about it. But now that I have remembered I've been debating as to whether or not to include the cabby in that episode. At first it seemed like B'Stard had killed him --- accidentally, which is surprising enough for the Tory: when he wants someone dead it's usually intentional --- but then it turns out he's not dead. However, at the end of the episode B'Stard does manage to convince the police that the driver had taken him prisoner, kidnapped him and driven him off, and the innocent cabby is arrested. One would assume he will be charged, and likely lose his job as a taxi driver, and probably be banned from driving if he is not imprisoned. So that's a life basically ruined, so let's include him.

Roland Gidley-Parke, Local Chairman of Conservative Party and Sarah's father: I'd also include Roland, whose life he has somewhat turned upside down. He's made himself the blue-eyed boy (literally) of the Tory Party and ensured Sarah's father can do nothing to remove him, and in addition he's dealt a crushing financial blow to him by purchasing his sheep farming business at just the right time. Indeed, we will see Roland no more, so it may be that he withdrew from politics rather than have to face B'Stard's smug grin of victory.

Lethal
Garonwe Hopkins, Welsh Secretary of State. Dies of a heart attack brought on by the realisation that the one-night-stand B'Stard has arranged for him is in fact a man, Norman, his accountant who is going through a sex-change.

Non-Lethal Bodycount: 5
Lethal Bodycount: 1
Total Bodycount: 6

(I must admit, I'm a little surprised to find the Bodycount so low at the end of the first season. Still, I know the kind of guy B'Stard is and that figure will quickly mount up once season two gets going.)

Notes on the first season
We've seen from the beginning, the very first scene in fact, that Alan Beresford B'Stard is a man who lets nothing stand in the way of his ambition, his greed and his sexual appetites. He has divorced his wife in all but name, but uses her when it suits him. In fact, he uses and manipulates everyone around him, not least his so-called best friend Piers, who is so under Alan's charismatic spell that he finds it hard not to obey him. He is not by any means a brilliant politician, often stealing other people's ideas, as when he ripped off Sir Stephen's speech to get his gun law through, or used his name to get Lady Bottomley to allow him publish her pamphlet. When things go wrong he has a knack of turning the blame on anyone he can, usually Piers. When the investment opportunity in St. Martin's goes belly-up he promotes Piers to treasurer so that his friend can carry the can, and when he's trying to dispose of the body of the cabbie and Piers refuses to help he makes out that it's all Piers' fault.

But things generally do seem to go his way and his machinations, schemes and plans usually seem to turn out how he expected. Perhaps the devil looks after his own. Often they don't of course, as in the example above about the bank, but in the end it would appear that B'Stard could fall into a vat of shit and come up smelling of roses. What we've seen of him here has been mild, and the bodycount will begin to rise steeply as we get to know him better. His schemes will become more and more daring and machiavellan, culminating in ... but no. Why spoil the surprise?

Just don't trust those baby blue eyes for one moment, and never ever turn your back on B'Stard, unless you want to feel a sharp pain between your shoulder blades!

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2.1 "In my time of dying"

The driver of the truck that smashed into the Impala at the end of season one jumps out, approaches the wrecked car and smiles, but moments later the blackness leaks out of his eyes and we can see that he was possessed, and is now shocked at what has happened. A short time later a helicopter airlifts the Winchesters to hospital. Dean awakes in the hospital, takes in his surroundings and goes for a walk. It's only when he sees that the receptionist is completely ignoring him, returns to his room and sees himself lying on the bed that he realises the awful truth.

Sam watches the body of his brother as the doctor tells him there is a lot of brain damage and there's a high probability that Dean may never wake up. Dean, watching from outside his body, snaps at Sam: "Come on! Find some hoodoo priest and lay some mojo on me!" Funnily, and cleverly, Sam later tells his father, who is busted up but otherwise okay, "I'll find some hoodoo priest and lay some mojo on him!" Worried more, it would seem, about the missing Colt, John sends Sam to find it, but his younger son tells him he already has Bobby working on it. John gives him a list and tells him to make sure Bobby gets the items on it for him. And to be careful.

However, when he is handed the list Bobby looks confused. John had said the items were for protection, but Bobby is not convinced, and Sam wonders if there is something else going on? As Dean watches in disbelief while his father seems not to lift a finger to call someone to try to help him, he is startled by another spirit which whooshes by, and following it he comes across a woman choking, but being insubstantial and invisible to everyone he cannot raise the alarm. Sam returns, and despite Dean's desperate attempts to alert him to what is going on, his younger brother seems more interested in why their father intends to summon a demon, rather than seek protection from one? That's what the items on the list are for: John says he has a plan.

As Dean's lifesigns fade and the doctors try to ressucitate him, he sees the spirit he saw in the hallway hovering over his bed, but faces it down, knowing it for what it is, or thinking he does. Dean's body begins to breathe again; he has cheated death. For now. Outside, he finds a girl who seems to be able to see him. She is in a panic. Her name is Tessa, and she may very well be dead. She seems, however, to have accepted it and be ready to move on. As she and Dean walk down the corridor he hears a "Code Blue!" warning and rushes into another ward, to see the creature hovering over the bed where a little girl is lying. He fights it and it vanishes, but too late for the girl. She is pronounced dead. Dean now realises that a Reaper is loose in the hospital. Sam, having believed he has psychically "felt" the presence of his brother, tells his father he has to go somewhere and walks off. John promises to make sure Dean is okay before he thinks of fighting the demon.

Sam returns with a ouija board and Dean, though laughing at the concept, sees that this is in fact a way he can communicate with his brother. After all, technically he's standing right beside him. So he slides the pointer and makes Sam aware that not only is he there, but that he is hunting a Reaper in the hospital. When Sam goes to see their father he is not there, but Sam takes his journal and reads about Reapers. Reading over his shoulder, Dean gasps as he realises that Tessa is in fact the Reaper he is hunting: Reapers, the journal says, can alter human perception, and to Dean, Tessa's philosophical acceptance of her fate was a little hard to take. When he talks to her she admits it, and says he needs to go with her: death is nothing to fear. It's his time.

Meanwhile, John has gone to the boiler room where he has chalked arcane symbols to conjure up the demon. It works, and John says he wants to make a deal. The Reaper tells Dean she can't force him to come with her, but that he can't re-enter his body, and if he stays he will be forever a disembodied spirit. Eventually he will get angry, and resentful, and then perhaps wicked. He will, she says, become the very thing he hates, the thing he and Sam hunt: a monster, an evil spirit. John offers the demon the colt, and the remaining bullet, if he will save Dean. The demon agrees, but he wants one more thing also, something he says means more to him than the gun that can destroy him.

As Dean and the Reaper talk, she is suddenly taken over by a demon who brings Dean's body back to life. Sam is delighted but then their father appears and he looks old and haggard. He asks Sam to fetch him a cup of coffee and while he is gone, John has a long talk with Dean wherein he apologises for not looking after him better, for dragging him into his war and asks him to look after Sam. He then collapses. For some time the doctors work on him, but at 10:41 they call it, and John Winchester is pronounced dead.

MUSIC
Ted Nugent: "Stranglehold"

(and "Bad moon rising" by Creedence again; strangely, NOT "In my time of dying" by Led Zep...)

THE "WTF??! moment"
It's either got to be when Dean goes back to his room and sees himself on the bed, and we realise he's a spirit, or else when Tessa is revealed to be the Reaper. Or, possibly, when John dies, though this has been telegraphed pretty comprehensively. You don't do a deal with the Devil and not offer your soul, especially for your own son.

PCRs
Dean, in spirit form, shouts at Sam: "You're the psychic! Give me some ghost whispering or something!" Referring to the rival network show, "Ghost Whisperer", where Jennifer Love-Hewitt contacts the ghosts of those who can't move on and tries to help them finish whatever business they have here so they can pass over to the other side.

In ghost form, having knocked over a glass to try to get the attention of his arguing brother and father, Dean murmurs, "Dude, I full-on Swayze'd that mother!" Reference to the film "Ghost", starring the late Patrick Swayze.

Even the title is a PCR, the name of a Led Zeppelin song.

Dean says to the Reaper "I think I'll pass on the seventy-two virgins thanks." Reference to Islam, where the righteous are promised that 72 virgins will meet them at the gates of paradise if they die nobly.

BROTHERS
There's a touching exchange between Sam and Bobby as they look at the shattered wreck of the Impala. Bobby suggests writing it off for scrap, but Sam, either confident or desperate that Dean will pull through, tells him that his brother would kill him if he scrapped the car. Bobby, aware Sam is clutching at straws, tries to be pragmatic but Sam will have none of it. "If there's only one part still working, it's enough," he tells his friend firmly. The implication is clear: Sam will refuse to give up on his brother while there is even the slightest chance, no matter that it may be one in a million.

Sort of feeding into that, Sam and his father have a blazing row where the boy accuses John of not caring for Dean (which of course he knows is unfair and untrue), being more interested in destroying the demon. John Winchester counters by reminding his son that this demon killed his mother and his fiancee, and that Sam had the chance to destroy it when it was in his father's body. His son's protestations that that would have meant killing his dad too fall on stony deaf ears: John accuses his son of being weak, and even hints it's Sam's fault that Dean is now in the situation he is. Had Sam had the balls to kill the demon (although that would most likely have meant killing his father, and there's no guarantee that the demon would not just have exited at the moment of death and sought a new body) they would not have been rammed and Dean would not now be hovering close to death.

It's clear that whatever reconciliation the two men reached near the end of the last season, pressures and a mounting sense of guilt and panic has now blown that fragile truce apart.

The ARC of the matter
Although this is only episode one of season two, and you wouldn't expect any huge revelations this soon, we do find out that John knows about Sam, and why the demon wants him. He says he has not told Dean though, who remains, for the moment, in the dark. The possibility of the demon's being destroyed would now seem to be remote at best, as John has exchanged the Colt and its single bullet, along with his own soul, for the life of his elder son.

2.2 "Everybody loves a clown"

The boys have given their father a warrior's funeral, burning his body atop a pyre. A week later, Sam is disconcerted that Dean has not tried to talk about the events leading up to their dad's death, and senses his brother is holding something back. Dean seems angry that, with the Colt gone, they have no way to kill the demon now, even if they could find it. Sam plays Dean a voicemail from their father's cellphone, on which a woman named Ellen offers her help. The boys decide to check her out.

Turns out she runs a bar, a roadhouse, through which hunters "occasionally" pass. She has a daughter, Jo, who seems a little taken with Dean, but for once he's not rising to it. She introduces them also to a guy called Ash, who seems to be something of a genius and believes that using the information in John Winchester's journal he can track the demon. While they wait, Dean sees a newspaper cutting about a family that were murdered in Wisconsin, the child the only survivor. They decide to check it out. The story seems to run that a clown appeared, killed the parents (tore them apart) and vanished into thin air. This is according to the girl, and Dean is dubious: perhaps the girl is just suffering from trauma and there was nothing supernatural about the killing. The girl reports she saw the clown at a carnival, and so it's to there they head first.

On the way they research and find that these sort of murders have occurred three times before, in another carnival, Bunker Brothers, in three different locations. Dean theorises that they might be dealing with a cursed object, which the carnival is taking with it when it goes. They discover that another murder has taken place; same MO, with a child left alive and saying it was a clown that did it. They wrangle jobs on the carnival and begin to investigate. They come across a little girl and her mother. The girl points and says she can see a clown but the mother says there's nothing there, and Sam and Dean know they have to act. They stake out the house, and Dean tells Sam he has found out that the owner of the circus, Cooper, originally worked for Bunker Brothers, the circus where the other murders occurred in 1981. So perhaps Cooper is the one the spirit is attached to, a person rather than an object? As they watch, the little girl opens the door of the house and invites a clown inside.

They get into the house and shoot the clown but it vanishes and they are almost taken for intruders (well, they are, technically, but you know what I mean) and have to leave in a hurry. After a phone call back to the Roadhouse they are advised by Ellen that she reckons the creature is an ancient Hindu spirit called a Rakshasha. These creatures appear in human form, eat human flesh but cannot enter a home unless invited --- rather like vampires --- and so the creature takes the form of a clown, harmless and playful in the eyes of children, and gets the kids to invite it in. The boys now revise their suspicions about Cooper, in the light of new information. Rakshashas have a very slow metabolism apparently, and must feed every thirty years or so, hence the gap in the murders since 1981. They think that maybe Cooper is the Rakshasha, Dean pointing out that back at the carnival the owner showed them a picture of a man he said was his father, but he looked exactly like Cooper, so perhaps they are one and the same person.

How to kill it though? A dagger of pure brass, it would seem, will do the trick, and Dean thinks he knows where to get one. He goes to see the blind guy they spoke to on first arriving at the carnival, who is also a knife-thrower (don't look at me like that! I didn't write this!) but it turns out that he, not Cooper, is the Rakshasha. He vanishes before Dean's eyes while Sam is being held at gunpoint by Cooper, who has found him snooping around in his trailer. They are chased by the blind man, who is now invisible, and end up in the funhouse, where Sam finds a pipe organ (shut up! I said I didn't write this! Leave me alone!) and breaks one of the pipes, causing steam to fly out which then outlines the vague shape of the Rakshasha enough for Dean to see it, call to Sam who stabs it. When the steam clears there is nothing there but an empty suit. The Rakshasha is gone.

Back at the Roadhouse, Ash shows them that he has hooked up his laptop as a sort of early-warning system. If the demon shows its face anywhere in the world, Ash will know about it. Seems the little guy has a lot more about him than the boys initially gave him credit for.

MUSIC
The Chambers Brothers: "Time has come today"

Captain and Tenille: "Do that to me one more time"

Three Dog Night: "Shambala"


PCRs
Dean smirks to Sam "Oh come on! You still burst out crying if you see Ronald MacDonald on the TV!" The annoying mascot for the equally annoying fast-food chain MacDonalds.

The "WTF??!" moment
Don't really see one here. Some surprising things happen, but none really that fit this category.

BROTHERS
In season one we learned that big, tough, macho Dean is scared of flying. Now he has his chance for revenge against Sam, as his kid brother is afraid of ... clowns. Well, isn't everyone? Sam's distaste manifests itself in various ways when they visit the carnival (who here hates them too?), watching a dwarf female clown, being tricked by Dean into sitting in a chair shaped like a clown's face, and so on. Dean obviously delights in rubbing his brother's nose in his phobia.

Sam is reconsidering his future. With the death of their father, he seems to blame himself perhaps for always going against his wishes, not joining the hunt like Dean, and it looks like he might now be intending to make up for it. He mentions that he is thinking of not going back to school, when the demon is finally dead. This has been his aim all along, and Dean is surprised to hear it, moreso when Sam says it's what their dad would have wanted. "Since when did you do anything dad wanted?" he asks. But Sam is now suffering, it would seem, under a double burden of guilt. Maybe he just wants to kill the demon, and all its allies, that were responsible, directly or indirectly, for his father's death. But maybe that won't be enough.

Dean, however, is annoyed at Sam's sudden change of heart. He rationalises that Sam is now trying to make up for all the times he went against their dad, all the arguments he had with him, and Dean just thinks it's a little late to be trying to make amends now. Of course, deep down he's probably feeling a bit guilty himself, if what his father told him is what I think it is...

Later, at the end in fact, Sam admits to Dean that he knows it's too little too late, that he does feel angry, sad and guilty that the last time he saw their father alive he had a fight with him, and accused him of being more interested in his obsession with the demon than in Dean's fight for life. Dean does not admit that he too is not allowing himself to grieve, though Sam knows it. This is underlined strongly when Dean starts smashing up his car, the one thing in this world he loves as much as his brother.

Something has got to give. And soon.

WISEGUY
Dean, whether recovered now from his near-death experience and the subsequent passing of their father, begins to show a little of the old confidence and braggado he used to display, and that we came to love him for. When Sam says they had better be damn sure that Cooper is the Rakshasha before they go stabbing him, he quips "Oh you're such a stickler for details!"

Nonetheless, the old Dean is far from back, as he pointedly does not hit on Jo, Ellen's daughter, even when she makes it clear she is quite obviously interested. He just doesn't seem to have the heart for it anymore, not at the moment anyway.

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/i...kr-fkZDrkcE2Ow
Everybody loves a good mystery. And usually a mystery involves murder. Or disappearance. Or both. Why do we love a mystery? Well, on the most basic level I think it's a sense of perhaps gentle arrogance: we believe that we can solve the case before the detective, cop or amateur sleuth investigating it. We like to piece together the clues, work out the solution and race the protagonist to the correct conclusion. There are few feelings as satisfying as hearing the case being solved and thinking --- or saying aloud to any who will listen --- "Yep! That's what I said! Isn't that what I said? Didn't I say he/she did it?" and so on.

But this is a series which I would defy even the most accomplished armchair detective to solve. It's just something of an oddity, where everyone has something to hide and there are more red herrings than you'd find in a fishmongers. Seems the finger of suspicion swings wildly around, pointing first at this person then at that, and fooling the viewer every time. It's incredibly well-constructed and written, with more false leads and twists than likely any mystery you've ever watched or read. Even at the end, when we know who did it, there's yet another surprise, one more final twist along the curving, bending road this short series leads us down.

Shown over five weeks on BBC, "Mayday" is the story of the disappearance of the May Queen, a young girl who is well known in the town, which is never named but may be Surrey, as the series was filmed there. As it becomes clear Hattie Sutton is not coming back, the search for her intensifies as the whole community joins in, but some are more reluctant than others to help. Could they be hiding something? "Mayday" mixes elements of local folklore, pagan belief and of course police procedural with the aura of a good whodunnit and a healthy slice of paranoia and fear, pulling you this way then that, spinning you around till you're dizzy and can't even find which direction you want to walk in.

Starring two very notable actors in Spooks' Peter Firth and Love/Hate and Game of Thrones' Aiden Gillen, the series traces the lives of each of the main characters and how, if at all, they link to the disappearance of Hattie. There are some very unsavoury elements brought up during the five-episode run, and it's quite hard-hitting and uncompromising in its examination of the microcosm of English rural life, and how communities band together to protect, shield or even damn one of their own. As the story unfolds it often becomes less about Hattie and more about those who knew her, with minor dramas and subplots playing out against the backdrop of the investigation.

CAST

Hattie/Caitlin Sutton, played by Leila Mimmack: Hattie, the May Queen, disappears on May Day just before taking her place at the head of the parade, and her twin sister, Caitlin, worries that she may have very well been the last to hear from her before she vanished, as later she plays back a voicemail she received --- but ignored --- from her sister on her mobile and is sure she can hear Hattie being taken.

Linus, played by Max Fowler: Much of what happens is seen through the teenager's eyes. He is in love with Caitlin but she does not seem interested. When her sister goes missing he tries to comfort her, yet wonders if his own father may not be involved? What IS it he is keeping in the closet that he forbids Linus to see?

Malcolm, played by Peter Firth: A local businessman who is trying to develop a new housing estate in the area, Malcolm is reluctant to join the hunt for Hattie, though he is persuaded, more out of a sense of shame than anything else. Why is he so reticent?

Fiona, played by Sophie Okenodo: A local woman who used to be a police officer, but has retired in order to look after her three children. She seems to have history with Everett, Linus's father, and is married to local cop

Alan, played by Peter McDonald

Seth, played by Tom Fisher: A local man who seems to have a special relationship with the nearby forest, may be insane and is brother to

Steve, played by Sam Spruell: A local man who also has history with Hattie's family.

Everett, played by Aiden Gillen: Local lothario, an uncompromising man who spends most of his time, when not womanising, playing video games and drinking. He does his best to look after Linus after the tragic death of his wife in suspicious circumstances.

Gail, played by Lesley Manville: Long suffering wife of Malcolm, who begins to wonder if her husband is involved in the young girl's disappearance.

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Season Two: "The coming of Shadows" (Part Two)

2.3 "The geometry of shadows"

http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__.../6/6f/Refa.jpg New character! William Forward plays Lord Refa, a scheming noble at the Centauri Court (aren't they all scheming nobles at the Centauri Court?)who is introduced here. He will be an ally of Londo's and will help to move him along his unhappy path to darkness. He will feature in most plotlines for the next two seasons regarding the Centauri and, to a lesser extent, Morden.

Garibaldi is not too happy about going back to work. He blames himself for not seeing the traitor under his nose, and wonders if he's any use to anyone if he can allow such a thing to happen on his watch? Mollari is visited by Lord Refa, a Centuari noble who, after unsuccessfully trying to weasel out of him how he managed to destroy the Narn outpost in Quadrant 37, confides to the ambassador that there is a growing movement back home to seize power once the old emperor, whom many see as weak and ineffective, and who is not in great health, passes on. He recognises Londo's secret powerbase and tells him he is becoming a force to be reckoned with. Like Jack last episode, he wants Mollari on the winning side: his side. Londo agrees.

A fight breaks out on the station when different factions of Drazi, an alien species who frequent Babylon 5, attack each other and it becomes apparent that this is a ritual struggle to have the dominant faction elected to lead the Drazi. One faction wears purple, one green. There seems to be no sense to it, no way of aligning the forces. One simply wears one colour, and any of that colour ally with him, those wearing the other colour are automatically the enemy. Sheridan sets Ivanova to sorting it out, having promoted her to full commander. She is delighted, but a little apprehensive too.

Londo sees a Technomage and begins to worry. Technomages are people who "use science to achieve the effect of magic" --- basically, scientists who shroud their knowledge in mystery and mumbo-jumbo. They are seldom seen abroad, and to see more than one is considered a bad omen. Three at least have arrived on Babylon 5. However Londo remembers that the very first Centauri emperor sought the blessing of three such individuals before he took the throne, and surely there could be no clearer sign that Mollari is chosen by the gods to lead the new Centauri Republic, should he secure the patronage of their leader, a man who goes by the name of Elric, who by happy chance is now at this very moment on the station? Fate, he thinks, has handed him an unmissable opportunity. Trouble is, Technomages are notoriously solitary and value their privacy, extracting a high price from those who seek to disturb them.

Sheridan goes to visit Garibaldi, to see if he is ready to come back to work, but Garibaldi is not sure if he is needed, or wanted. Sheridan convinces him he is. It's the tentative beginnings of what will become a long and deep friendship. Ivanova gets the Drazi together to try to figure out how they organise their leadership contest, and finds to her amazement that it's completely arbitrary. Everyone reaches into a barrel and takes out a green or a purple sash, and they are then part of that faction. To illustrate how mind-numbingly restrictive this is, she changes a Green Drazi's sash for a Purple one, and all his mates suddenly leap on him, kicking off another huge fight, in the midst of which she is knocked down and breaks her leg!

Vir, sent by Londo to obtain a meeting with the Technomages, is rebuffed so Londo concocts a plan to have Sheridan accompany him to them, under the guise of checking out a security risk. However, when Elric realises he has been played he is not happy, and the consequences for Londo are not good. Elric had already warned Vir "do not try the patience of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger!" Now he learns the reality of that threat. Technomages are masters of computer trickery and Elric manipulates Londo's computer to make him buy shares in ventures in which he is not interested, wipe out vast parts of his personal fortune, and, worst of all, play Narn opera! The Drazi conflict has escalated: now they are killing each other. The leader of the Greens sets a trap, using Ivanova's name, for the Purples, and to make sure she doesn't blow it they hold her hostage.

Garibaldi, walking the station, wrestling with his conscience and wondering if he should try to take his job back or just give up, becomes suspicious when the message the Drazi have sent through, which purports to have come from Ivanova, is only a computer message. He asks the security team, who have been asked to clear one of the sections so that the Green Drazi can spring their trap, have they not received an actual confirmation of the order from the commander, and is told they have not. He finds and rescues Ivanova, who inadvertenly then becomes Green Leader by taking the sash from the one in charge. With the Green Drazi's fate now in her hands, she has them all dye their sashes Purple, thus ending the conflict, at least on the station.

Londo, finally unable to take any more of the technomagical treatment, goes back to Elric to apologise for trying to gain his endorsement under false pretences. The curse is lifted, but after all Elric does endorse Mollari, in a way, though it's more a dark warning of things to come.

QUOTES
Londo: "What you are asking could be considered treason."
Refa: "Or the first step in restoring our people to their rightful place in the galaxy, depending on who writes the history books. I think it wil be us: what do you think?"

Ivanova: "You can start by helping me to understand the precise nature of the conflict."
Drazi 1: "Green."
Drazi 2: "Purple."
Ivanova: "No I understand that there are two factions but what is the main point of contention?"
Drazi 2: "Purple."
Drazi 1: "Green."

Elric: "You don't frighten easily."
Vir: "I work for Ambassador Mollari. After a while, nothing bothers you."

Ivanova: "Not exactly an auspicious start to my diplomatic career!"
Sheridan: "We learn by doing. And in the process you're going to fall on your face a few times. Though I didn't think you were going to take it quite that literally!"

Vir: "Londo, they're going away! Money doesn't matter to them. Power doesn't matter to them!"
Londo: "Money and power always matter!"

Elric: "We are dreamers, shapers, singers and makers. We study the mysteries of laser and circuit, crystal and scanner. Holographic demons and invocations of equations. These are the tools we employ, and we know many things. The true secrets. The important things: fourteen words to make someone fall in love with you forever; seven words to make them go without pain. How to say goodbye to a friend who is dying. How to be poor. How to be rich. How to rediscover dreams when the world has stolen them from you. That is why we are going away: to preserve that knowledge."
Sheridan: "From what?"
Elric: "There is a storm coming, a black and terrible storm. We would not have our knowledge lost or used to ill purpose. From this place, we will launch ourselves into the stars. With luck, you'll never see our kind again in your lifetime.

Drazi Green Leader: "Green must fight Purple. Purple must fight Green. Is no other way!"
Ivanova: "Just my luck: I get stuck with a race that speaks only in macros!"

Drazi Green Leader: "Who takes green cloth is green leader! Greens follow Green Leader!"
Ivanova: "Wait a minute. You saying that because I'm holding this, I'm Green Leader? But I'm human!"
Drazi Green Leader: "Rules of combat older than contact with other races. Did not mention aliens. Rules update, caught in committee. Not come through yet."
Ivanova: "Bureaucracy! Tell me about it!"

Londo: "Does this torment end when you leave? Or am I going to have to spend the rest of my life paying for one little mistake?"
Elric: "I'm afriad you're going to have to spend your life paying for your mistakes. Not this one of course; it's trivial, I have withdrawn the spell. But there will be others."
Londo: "What are you talking about?"
Elric: "You are touched by darkness, Ambassador. I see it as a blemish which will grow with time. I could warn you of course, but you would not listen. I could kill you, but someone would take your place. So I do the only thing I can: I go. Oh, I believe it was an endorsement you wanted? A word or two, a picture to send back to the folks at home confirming that you have a destiny."
Londo: "It was just a thought, nothing more."
Elric: "Well, take this for what little it will profit you. As I look at you, Ambassador Mollari, I see a great hand reaching out of the sky. The hand is your hand. And I hear sounds, the sounds of billions of people calling your name."
Londo: "My followers?"
Elric: "Your victims."


ONE GOOD CENTAURI
In this new section I'm going to look at the efforts of Londo's attache and pretty much only friend to try to pull him off the dark path he can see his boss going down. All through the series Vir Cotto will shine as one of the only examples of true honest honour in a crumbling empire rotting from within. While Vir is loyal to his people, he hasn't the naked greed and ambition that Londo possesses, and lacks the killer instinct necessary to survive at court. He is, in most ways, an innocent, even sometimes a bumbler, regarded by nobody and afforded no importance. But unlike most of his people he knows right from wrong, and it will be his mission throughout season two, three and four to prevent Londo carrying out the dastardly schemes set in motion by Lord Refa, Morden and others. When he cannot stop him he will do his best to protect him, try to convince him that what he is doing is wrong. Of course, most times Mollari will not heed his young friend, but Vur will turn out to be almost the singular conscience of the Centauri Republic, the one bright light of truth and decency in a fading empire as it recedes into the mists of history.

When he hears what Lord Refa proposes, Vir speaks to Londo later, trying to warn him that he should not go down this path. He tells him, in answer to a question as to whether or not he believe in fate, that he believes there are tides and currents in the universe, some of which are good, some bad. He tries to explain to Londo that because they all look the same, it is hard to know which ones to avoid, and pointedly hints that the course Londo is taking will bring him towards a current he should definitely avoid. Londo thinks his attache is just babbling, and dismisses his words, but he will later have cause to replay this warning and wish he had heeded his young friend.

IMPORTANT PLOT ARC POINTS
Londo
Arc Level: Red
Here we are given the first clues as to what will become Londo Mollari's descent into darkness and evil. We have already seen that his association with Morden has led to the destruction of a Narn outpost and resulted in his star ascending back home, with the effect of having him chosen as a powerful ally against the emperor in the coup to come. We have seen, too, that he was instrumental, even vital in preventing the discovery of the enemy in his homebase by passing information on to Morden which resulted into the destruction of the Narn ship sent to investigate. Now we hear from Elric's lips that Mollari has a dark destiny, and that billions will curse his name, dying because of him. This prophecy will become terrifyingly clear in the not too distant future.

It's interesting that even with this dire warning in front of him, Londo will not turn aside from the destiny that he now follows. Perhaps he does not believe the Technomage, or thinks that he is talking in metaphors. Perhaps he thinks the billions cursing his name are the voices of conquered inhabitants of worlds the Centauri will invade, suppress and occupy, like they did on Narn. Or perhaps it is just too late to change his mind. His feet are on the path, and even if he wished to he could not do other than follow them down the dark road he now treads, anxious to see where it leads, but fearing that answer.

Storm Warning
Arc Level: Red
Elric warns of an approaching storm. You have to think that JMS was paying tribute to the final line in "The Terminator", when Sarah Connor is told "There's a storm coming". This is a darkness that he fears will swallow everything, and the idea of his brothers being forced to use their power in the service of this cold entity is more than he can bear, or risk, and so the Technomages are fleeing en masse somewhere beyond The Rim, where they believe they will be safe from the reach of the enemy. This surely ties in with Lennier's retelling of the prophecy in the first episode, where he spoke of a great enemy returning.

ABSENT FRIENDS
Although not every single character will be in every single episode, I am going to start noting any time that the main characters, as in, the ones in the opening credits, are omitted from an episode or episodes. If there is a reason for this, and it does not entail spoilers, I'll mention that too.

Here we miss Ambassador G'Kar. Though it is mostly a Londo-centric episode, his old adversary is not in it, not in one scene. Delenn is also conspicuous by her absence, nor do we see Lennier.

2.4 "A distant star"
http://www.scifiupdates.com/main/ima...b5/corwin1.jpg New character! (Sort of...) Lt. David Corwin, played by Joshua Cox, though only given small roles in this episode is slowly over time brought more to the fore, to the point at which he gets his name on the credits. He's never totally indispensable to any storyline, and there are no plots revolving about him, but he does get lifted from obscurity into almost-regular appearance territory.

The Explorer-class deep space cruiser Cortez arrives at Babylon 5 after five years in deep space, in command a good friend of Sheridan's. Franklin takes the opportunity of putting all command staff on a strict diet when he has to order Garibaldi to watch what he eats as he recovers from his gunshot wound. The security chief is not happy, as he was planning to prepare Banjacouda (sp?), an Italian fondue. But the doctor nixes that, saying the ingredients are not healthy. Captain Maynard, in charge of the Cortez, does not dismiss rumours that there may be something living in hyperspace, which most people had discounted as old spacer tales. His arrival on the station, and his questions to Sheridan about whether this is really what he wants --- he knows John always wanted to captain his own Explorer-class ship --- hit a sore spot and Sheridan is irritable and snappish. He didn't really want this job, he admits only to himself, but as he says to Maynard, when the president calls it's hard to say no.

Delenn is visited by a representative of her people, who tells her that there is concern that since she has metamorphosed into a hybrid she may not be considered one of their own. He hints that she may need to be replaced, and tells her that he will go to the Grey Council to seek their guidance. The Cortez heads back out into deep space, but an accident onboard knocks out their guidance system and they're now trapped in hyperspace, unable to lock on to the jumpgate signal. Picking up their distress call, Sheridan sends a squadron of fighters to try to locate the massive ship, but in hyperspace the normal rules of astronavigation don't apply, and it will be a long shot. With the first fighter stopping just inside the jumpgate and locking on to its beacon, the next locking on to that and so on, moving out, the Starfuries can create a kind of chain extending out into the deep well of hyperspace, with the last in line broadcasting his signal in the hope that the Cortez will pick it up and be able to follow them home.

After some time they're able to locate the huge ship's signal, but just as they make ready to bring her home one of those spider ships appears from nowhere and destroys one of the Starfuries, knocking out Keffer's inertial navigational system. With commendable intelligence, he fires his lasers in the direction of home, and the Cortez is able to lock on to the jumpgate signal and make it back to Babylon 5. Keffer, however, is stranded in hyperspace. Then the spider ship appears again and he is able to follow its flight path to make his way home. Garibaldi and Franklin settle their differences when Garibaldi explains that he makes the banjacouda in memory of his father, who used to cook it, and the two share the meal. After an interesting talk with Delenn, Sheridan realises that he's exactly where he's supposed to be, and dismisses any misgivings about his job, more comfortable now in his skin than he has been for a while.

QUOTES
Garibaldi: "One more thing: don't say anything to Doctor Franklin about this."
Orwell: "Okay but it's gonna cost you."
Garibaldi: "It's gonna cost me for you to say nothing to somebody. How much to say nothing to everybody?"
Orwell: "Oh, you couldn't afford it!"

Delenn: "Understanding is not required, only obedience."
Minbari: "To our own kind, yes. But are you our own kind any more Delenn? We have a right to know."

Ivanova: "Figures! All my life I've fought against imperialism. Now suddenly, I am the expanding Russian frontier!"
Franklin: "But with very nice borders."

Sheridan: "A friend once quoted me an ancient Egyptian blessing. God be between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk. "

Sheridan: "If the primates we came from had known that politicians would one day come out of the gene pool they'd have stayed up in the trees and written off evolution as a bad idea!"

Delenn: "The universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are, is the right place, the right time. Pain sometimes comes; it's part of the process, constantly being reborn."

IMPORTANT PLOT ARC POINTS
Spider ships
Arc Level: Red
Captain Maynard of the Cortez makes reference to "something living out in hyperspace", out beyond the Rim, and there's the definite feeling that it's something like these ships, or perhaps the huge, weird one we saw last season out by Sigma 957. Then we see the spider ships again, this time in hyperspace, twice: once one knocks out Keffer's nav, and destroys his squadron leader, then another --- or possibly the same one --- leads him home. It's clear these things, whatever they are, are becoming more frequent and also getting closer to known space.

Delenn
Arc Level: Red
Now that she has made the full transition to hybrid, Ambassador Delenn has problems among her own people, who are loath to accept her as still one of their own. There is talk that she may be removed as Minbari representative to Babylon 5, but only the Grey Council can make that decision. She tells Franklin that her people supported her going into the chrysalis and going through the transformation, but this is a lie. We saw one of the other Minbari, perhaps a Grey Council member, watch her at the beginning of the season and remark that she was supposed to wait but went ahead on her own. She of course does not want humans --- or anyone --- to know that her action was not sanctioned by her government. Such knowledge could put her diplomatic status under threat. If the Babylon Council learn that she is making unauthorised decisions, not only will they find it hard to trust her but they may butt heads with the Grey Council, who do after all contribute to the funding of the station.

She seems very interested in the new commander, talking with him in the garden, as she did Sinclair in the pilot episode, although of course she did look much different. And she knew who he was, and the hidden history between them. Sheridan she does not know, but she has supreme faith in the universe, and believes he has been sent here for a reason. She is already starting to look and act more human than Minbari, smiling and batting her eyelashes where in season one she was mostly cold and aloof, as most of her people are. This change will only deepen as the seasons proceed, but Delenn will never be anything less than a true Minbari, as we shall see.

ABSENT FRIENDS
Neither G'Kar nor Londo are in this episode at all, not even mentioned. Lennier is not in it either, even though Delenn is.

2.5 "The long dark"

A ship out of Earth's distant past arrives at Babylon 5. Launched over a hundred years ago, it is an old exploration ship and carries one living passenger, a woman.There was another, a male, but it's been established that he was murdered, and with only one other occupant of the ship, Mariah Cirrus is suspect numero uno. Garibaldi talks to a lurker, Amos, who is having horrific visions, and realises the man was in the war, just like him, and is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When the girl regains consciousness Franklin becomes involved with her. Amos tells Garibaldi that there is something evil onboard, a "soldier of darkness" that has come on the ship. Londo scoffs but G'Kar is interested. The aliens want Mariah removed from the station, telling Sheridan that she has brought the evil here.

Garibaldi discovers that something similar attacked Amos when he was stationed on a moon that was supposed to be dead, during the war. It killed his comrades, but kept him alive, feeding on him. Now the security chief wonders if that connection can help Amos lead them to the alien monster? Franklin finds that Mariah has had dreams --- or she thinks they're dreams --- in which she felt that something was keeping her alive, feeding on her during her voyage. This sounds too close to what Amos was talking about. Garibaldi asks Mariah if she can find the creature --- Amos has gone missing --- and with her help they track it down and finally kill it.

Mariah leaves for Earth, to mourn her dead husband and try to catch up on a hundred years' lost time, while Ivanova tells Sheridan that they have determined from the ship's logs that the alien had reset its course towards the Rim, a course that would have taken it directly to Zha'dum.

QUOTES
Amos: "I've found that life is, in general, much easier if I forget most of the things that happen to me."

Garibaldi: "You were about to accuse the Centauri ambassador of being in league with the devil. Which might not be far from the truth."

Garibaldi: "You were standing in the middle of the plaza yelling that the Day of Judgement was coming."
Amos: "Did it?"
Garibaldi: "Not that I know, but I may have missed a staff meeting."

Garibaldi: "Nasty way to die!"
Sheridan: "Last I checked there weren't too many good ways."

G'Kar (to Mariah): "Take my advice and go back to the time you came from. The future is not what it used to be."

Ivanova: "You got a plan?"
Sheridan: "Just try not to get killed."
Ivanova: "Brilliant!"

Sheridan: "Something's going on, Commander."
Ivanova: "I know. And between you and me, it's scaring the hell out of me."

IMPORTANT PLOT ARC POINTS
Storm Warning
Arc Level: Red
There's surely more than coincidence in the fact that this creature, called a "soldier of darkness", was heading towards the exact spot G'Kar had said was being used by the ancient enemy once again as their base, where the darkness was gathering its forces? Perhaps all evil things are being attracted towards the nexus of evil. And with Elric's dire and cryptic warning from last episode ringing in our ears, can we doubt he was telling the truth?

ABSENT FRIENDS
Again, neither Delenn nor Lennier are in this episode at all, despite there being a meeting of the Babylon Council.

SKETCHES
Now that we're getting into the second season and starting to learn a little more about the characters, I'd like to open this new section in which I'll draw basic sketches of the people most associated with the series, and add to their personality profile as the episodes and seasons go on.

Dr. Stephen Franklin
We've already seen in season one's "Believers", the first really Franklin-centric episode, how the doctor can be arrogant to the point of believing himself infallible, and how hard he takes that when it turns out he is wrong, and someone pays the price. We've also seen in the previous season his first real love interest, when he hooked up in "The quality of mercy". That episode, too, has linked back into this season, as he hit upon the idea of using the alien machine to revive Garibaldi when all else seemed to be failing.

Now we see him again involved, but this time with a patient. However, like most doctors he is uncomfortable about getting romantic with a patient. It's unethical, it's complicated and the old transferrance of affection thing can always be expected to be in play: a doctor saves your life and is kind to you and you form an affection, even love for them. But it's not true love, more a sense of gratitude and the belief that you should love them. So when it looks like he's falling for Mariah Franklin pulls away, declaring that it is not a good idea at this point, and she agrees. Later however, when she is recovered and therefore no longer his patient, he tries to move the relationship on, but by then Mariah is too overwhelmed with what she has gone through, and just needs time. Ironic, really, as she has just slept for a century.

We've seen his harsher, more authoritarian side, in the last episode, where he demanded everyone go on a diet and monitored that, but then in the same episode he softens when he learns what the dessert means to Garibaldi and in the end shares it with him, enjoying it and realising that sometimes it's not all about regulations. Franklin will always be first and foremost a doctor --- when he suggests using the alien machine on Garibaldi he's prepared to risk his own well-being, health and perhaps life to bring him back. He says he could hardly ask anyone to do something he himself is not prepared to do. This is another thing about Stephen Franklin. Though not by any stretch my favourite character in the series --- close to my least favourite, actually --- he is a man of principles, bravery and a man of action. He is a thinker, but he is also a doer. He has spoken of his ethics before, by telling Delenn that he refused to hand over his research of xenobiology to be weaponised, and he is primarily a healer, a man of peace. The coming years though, will change all of that.

Note: It's seldom that one writer, never mind the creator of a series, pens all the episodes but with a very few exceptions this is what happened with Babylon 5. This, then, is one of a very small handful of episodes that is not written by JMS.

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1.8 "A big piece of garbage"

(Tagline: "Mr. Bender's wardobe by Robotany 500")

It's the annual awards ceremony at the Academy of Inventors, and Professor Farnsworth believes his invention this year is unbeatable. However, when he realises that due to galloping senility he is about to present the same invention this year as last, he has to make a sudden change on the fly, and ends up embarrassing and humiliating himself in front of the august assemblage. What's even worse is that his arch-enemy, Doctor Wurnstrum, wins with his invention. But Farnsworth is determined to plough ahead with the invention that was a mere scribbled blueprint at the awards, something he calls a smelloscope, which will allow distant odours to be picked up --- why? Then he remembers he already built one!

It's while using this that they discover a stench that is off the charts, and with some research they realise that a massive ball of garbage from the twentieth century that was fired off into space has come back around and is heading for Earth, with what will be disastrous consequences! But when they try to warn the mayor about the impending disaster, it turns out he has hired Wurnstrum as his scientific advisor. Loath to turn down a chance to make his nemesis look bad, Wurnstrum plays down the danger, saying it could be a fault with the smelloscope, but when a report comes in from Neptune that the big ball of garbage has passed close by their monitoring station, there can be no doubt and action must be taken.

Shooting a missile at it won't work as the density of the ball would just allow the rocket to pass right through it, so Farnsworth suggests placing an explosive device upon it, and guess who gets the job? Unfortunately, the professor's senility has again been at work, and where he thought they had twenty-five minutes to get off the garbage ball before it blew, the counter has been put on upside down and they have just over fifty seconds! With no other choice, Bender has to hurl the bomb into space, and they're safe, but now with no way to stop the stinking ball. Farnsworth though comes up with an idea: if they can build a similar ball maybe they can launch it against this one, the one knocking the other out of its path and thereby causing it to miss Earth. It's a stupid plan, but it might just work ... if they can think of something to make the second ball out of.

"Uh," suggests Fry, "how about garbage?" And so the people of New New York have to learn from a twentieth century wastrel how to make garbage all over again. The ball is built, the rocket is fired and knocks the other one into the sun. Leela expresses concern over where the second ball may end up, but nobody cares. As Fry says, it's none of their concern: that's the twentieth century way!



QUOTES
Wurnstrum: "It's time to leave science to the hundred twenty-year olds!"
Farnsworth: "You young turks think you know everything! I was inventing things while you were just barely turning senile!"

Fry: "As long as you don't make me smell Uranus!"
Leela: "I don't get it?"
Farnsworth: "I'm sorry Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all."
Fry: "What's it called now?"
Farnsworth: "Urectum!"

Voiceover: "The repulsive barge circled the oceans for fifty years but no country would allow it to land. Not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean!"

Fry: "Hey! You have no right to criticise the twentieth century! We gave the world the light bulb, the steam press and the cotton jenny!"
Leela: "All of those things are from the nineteenth century."
Fry: "Yeah, well, they probably just copied us."

Morbo: "Puny Earthlings were today shocked to learn that a giant ball of garbage will soon destroy their pathetic city of New New York."
Human Female: "Makes me glad we live in Los Angeles, Morbo!"
Morbo: "Morbo agrees!"

Mayor: "It's time to put a real scientist in charge! Doctor Wurnstrum, can you save my city?"
Wurnstrum: "Of course. But it'll cost you."
Mayor: "Anything."
Wurnstrum: "All right then, first I want tenure."
Mayor: "Done."
Wurnstrum: "And a big research grant."
Mayor: "You got it."
Wurnstrum: "Also access to a lab, and three graduate students, at least three of them Chinese."
Mayor: "Err... done. Now what's your plan?"
Wurnstrum: "What plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir, suckers!"
Leela: "That rat! Do something!"
Mayor: "I wish I could but he's got tenure!"

Mayor: "Garbage isn't something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan!"

Morbo: "Ha ha! Kittens give Morbo gas. In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain!"

PCRs
The plaque outside City Hall is all one word, and with an "i" used instead of a "y", making it look like the Citibank logo: CitiHall

Farnsworth suggests placing a bomb on the garbage ball between a mass of coffee grounds and a deposit of America Online floppy discs!

On the way to the ship Bender, Fry and Leela do the "The Right Stuff" walk.

SIMPSONS REFERENCES
The guys find a bunch of Bart Simpson dolls on the garbage ball. Bender picks one up, it says "Eat my shorts!" in Bart's voice. Bender obliges. Fry thinks they're cool --- he would! --- but Leela tells him this stuff was garbage before it was sent out into space, and it's garbage now.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Pete's TVs: "Letting people watch news reports in our window since 1951!"

NEW CHARACTER!
https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/i...M6x-MiblWQzi_V
Soon to become the Kent Brockmann of Futurama, Morbo is a hueg green alien with a head like a gigantic fly and a gruff voice that always sounds angry. He is an anchor for the news channel on TV.

Doctor Wurnstrum is also introduced here, but he's only in it once or twice more, hardly worth noting really.

1.09 "Hell is other robots"

(Tagline: none. And no intro reel either...)

Attending a Beastie Boys concert (yeah, they're Heads!) Fry is delighted when Bender introduces him to one of his friends who works on the road crew and can get them backstage. The robo-roadie later ducks out with Bender to take him to "the real party", which turns out to be a "jacking-on" den, where robots plug live wires into their sockets to get "a jolt", presumably similar to us humans doing drugs. Problem is, Bender has never done this before and becomes totally addicted to the point where it takes over his life, and his friends begin to worry about him. His addiction is confirmed when he puts the crew's life in danger by steering the ship INTO an electrical storm Leela was trying to avoid.

In an attempt to cure himself Bender turns to religion and enters the Temple of Robotology, where he gets completely caught up in his new belief, making him even harder to live with, but at least he's not Using anymore. However his religion soon begins to bug them as much as his electrical abuse did, and they decide to try to "reacquaint him with a little thing called sleaze". It doesn't take too much persuading to get the old Bender back, and all seems well. Except for one thing. When Bender was baptised he did so on the express understanding that if he sinned he would go straight to Robot Hell. Robotology is not abstract though: they take everything literally and the moment Bender broke their rules the Robot Devil was sent to collect his electronic soul!

He literally takes him from his hotel and to an abandoned carnival where Robot Hell is situated, telling him that he will be held here forever. Nibbler picks up his scent and Fry and Leela head off to try to rescue him, and find that if they can beat the Robot Devil in a fiddle contest they will be able to release Bender, winning back his soul. Of course they can't play the fiddle as well as the Robot Devil, so Leela hits him on the head with it and the trio make their escape.



QUOTES
Fry: "Wow! I love you guys! Back in the twentieth century I had all five of your albums."
Ad-Rock: "Man that was a thousand years ago! We've got seven now!
Fry: "Can I borrow the new ones? And some blank tapes?"

Robo-preacher: "Wretched sinner unit! The path to Robot Heaven lies here, in the Good Book, 3.0!" (The Good Book is shaped like an old 3.5" floppy disc!)

Leela: "Bender! Why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking-on in there?"
Bender: "No! Don't come in!"

Fry: "You made me feel like a jerk for trusting you! Just like when my friend Ritchie swore he wasn't taking drugs, then he sold me my mom's VCR. And later I found out he was taking drugs!"

Robot Preacher: "I see a lot of fancy robots in here today, made o' real shiny metal! But that don't impress the Robot Devil! Cause if you sin, He's gonna plug His infernal modem into the wall, belchin' smoke and fire, and He's gonna download your soul to Robot Hell!"

Bender: "Wonderful! Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony?"

Robot Preacher: "We are gathered here today to deliver our brother Bender from the cold steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold steel bosom of our congregation."

Leela: "Who would have thought that Hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?"
Fry: "Actually..."

PCRs
Bender spends a night at the Trump Trapezoid.

The fiddle contest in Robot Hell is based on Charlie Daniels' "The devil went down to Georgia", though I have no doubt that song is also based on some folk or fairy tale, but it's the first reference I have to it.



NEW CHARACTER?
Not really, but Scruffy is seen wheeling the three Heads onstage. He's still not named. It's possible he's holding down some different jobs, though robo-masseur to road crew is a bit of a stretch...
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The Robot Devil: Oh yes, He exists, as does Robot Hell. It's in Jersey! And he loves to sing in bossa-nova style. Now that's scary!

SIGNS OF THE TIMES
In the Temple: "10 Sin 20 Goto Hell"

A ROBOT CALLED BENDER
This is a great final episode! We find out so much about not just Bender but robots in general. They have their own religion, with a very real and definite Hell that they are dragged to by a very real Robot Devil if they sin. The Fairness in Hell Act of 2263 though requires that any robot's soul can be released if a petitioner can best the Robot Devil in a fiddle contest. We also learn about "jacking on", where robots plug electrical cables into their sockets and consume electricity, in strict violation of their warranties. When done properly, like many drugs, this provides a pleasant "buzz", but when overindulged in it can be dangerous and habit-forming, leading to full on addiction.

Bender finds out for himself that Robot Hell exists, and finds his many and varied crimes all punished in ironic ways, like being rolled up and smoked like a cigar, or having his hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! This will not be the last encounter he will have with the Robot Devil, though he won't be jacking-on any more.

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1.3 "Julie"

Batman and Catwoman argue outside a party, although as it turns out they're both women. One wants to go home, one wants to stay. As she leaves anyway, we hear the other call her Julie and as she herself takes off her mask in disappointment we see it's Laure, the now police inspector. As Julie heads home through the underpass she is attacked and stabbed brutally. Shift to present day and the funeral of Mr. Costa is taking place. Nosy Miss Payet meets Julie there and she can't shake her off. The parish priest remarks to Thomas that Adele is looking radiant, and better than he has seen her before. Camille has not been able to attend, though Lena and Claire have, and they meet Pierre there, telling him that Lena has suspicions that Simon is another "revenant", and they wonder if there will be more.

At the graveside, Payet tells Julie about the attack on Lucy Clarsen, and Julie, terrified that her would-be killer is back, staggers out of the cemetery. During the eulogy it becomes clear that the woman who reappeared to Mr Costa was his wife, dead thirty years, called Vivianne. There is a cameo portrait of her on the grave, and unnoticed by anyone, she has also attended the funeral of her husband. Camille tackles her father over his broken relationship with her mother, realising that her death must have been at least partly responsible. He tells her that the whole thing was very hard on her sister, and Camille goes to see her in her room, noting as she changes that there is a nasty mark on her back. When she asks about it though Lena asks her to leave, rather abruptly.

The level in the reservoir continues to drop, now experts are in to check it. Robots are sent down but no fissures are detected. At the police station, one of the officers, not knowing what to do with Simon, contacts Pierre. Seems he runs an outreach project he calls The Helping Hand, which shelters the destitute and gives refuge to those who need it. Pierre agrees to come to the station and pick Simon up. Jerome suggests the family move, and Claire thinks maybe it's a good idea; start somewhere new, where Camille is not known, and can perhaps have a normal life. At the station one of the officers suggests they question Julie, as she was involved in the original attack, and may have remembered something that might help them. Laure says she will go. Alone.

The visit does not go well. It seems that the two were romantically involved, but broke up. Julie will not talk to the inspector. Lena is not pleased to hear that her family plan to move, seeing it as being all about Camille with nobody caring about her. On the way to the Helping Hand Simon learns from Pierre that he died when hit by a car on his wedding day, but he does not seem to remember the incident that ended his life. He decides not to go to the outreach and has Pierre drop him in town instead. Camille convinces her mother to take her shopping, but they are spotted by Sandrine, whose eyes widen when she sees the dead girl. Camille pretends to be a cousin, Alice. Lena's scar, meanwhile, far from healing is getting worse, and bigger. Captain Thomas is furious to find that Simon is gone, as he --- perhaps rather rashly --- views him as the main suspect in the attempted murder of Lucy Clarsen. He goes to the Helping Hand but is told by Pierre that Simon did not wish to come here and he let him out in town.

After the police inspector leaves Miss Payet knocks and threatens to shop Julie to the cops, believing that Victor is an illegal immigrant. Julie shuts the door in her face. Adele takes Simon to see his daughter, Chloe. In the Lake Pub, Toni is dealing with the toilets, which have become blocked and full of dirty water like the ones in the church earlier. Here Lena meets Serge, and Toni, who did not know he had arrived, is annoyed, worried that people may start asking questions. He asks Serge to go home. Victor is drawing some very disturbing things, which seem to be sketches of murders. When Julie has gone out he goes across the corridor to Miss Payet's apartment. She is delighted to see him and invites him in, no doubt hoping to find out who he is and tell the police, thus getting Julie into trouble.

When Adele gets home Lena is waiting for her. It seems she used to tutor her, but that's not what she's here for. She asks Adele about Simon, saying he came to the Lake Pub looking for her. Adele is now confused; she thought Simon was a ghost, a figment of her imagination. She thought she was the only one who could see him, but now it seems that's not the case, and maybe he's not just in her mind. For his part, Simon decides his only recourse at this point is to take up Pierre's offer and so he goes to the Helping Hand.

On returning home, Julie is worried that Victor is not there and goes looking for him. She thinks she hears something downstairs and comes face to face with her attacker from seven years ago. Armed with a scissors she is still overpowered, but when she looks again it is Victor's face she sees. He takes the scissors from her wordlessly. Thomas watches CCTV footage of Simon meeting Adele, while Lena sneaks out of her house. Jerome tries to convince Claire that moving is the best thing for them all, but she is not sure. Their relationship seems to be improving though. Camille meets Frederic and tells him she is Alice, but Lena is less than happy to see her. They face off and Camille goes. Lena and Frederic begin to make love in a booth but when he sees her scar and asks what it is she freaks out and runs.

Simon goes to see Adele again, and this time, realising he is somehow real, she kisses him. This is monitored by Thomas, who has the whole house wired for sound and vision. Back in Miss Payet's apartment, her cats nose around her bleeding, dead body as she sprawls in a pool of her own blood.

QUESTIONS?

What has the dropping of the water level in the reservoir got to do with anything? It's being flagged as being important, but why?

What happened on the stairs, when Julie thought she was being attacked, but it turned out to be Victor?

Did the boy murder Miss Payet, to stop her from going to the police?

What were the pictures he was drawing? If, as they looked to be, they were murders, is he a child killer, and is Julie in danger? Given the fate of the nosy neighbour, you would have to guess that the answer to both questions is yes. But then, he wants to stay with Julie so did he just murder --- if he did --- Miss Payet out of necessity, to stop her from having them split up? And if that's true, what other lengths is he prepared to go to to keep them together?

CONNECTIONS

We now know that there is a very definite link between Julie and Laure, that they were in fact what appears to have been lovers, and that the attack on Julie drove them apart. Like Lena about Camille, it's quite possible that Laure feels guilty for having left Julie to walk home alone. Had she gone with her, or convinced her to stay, Julie might not have been attacked. Now Julie is working for the police and in the uncomfortable position of having to both revisit her ex-lover and dredge up a past Julie would much rather remain buried.

"Good news everybody!"
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Notes on the end of season one.

So the first real question, as we wrap up season one of this series must be "did Groening get it right? Did he differentiate "Futurama" from his other global brand, the phenomenal "Simpsons"?" I know that's technically two questions but there you go. Well, in the first season you can see that there is some small reliance on the "parent series", but that soon diminishes and "Futurama" stands steadily on its own two feet. Never really free from the threat of the Network axe, it would in fact be cancelled twice, the second time (so far) holding no reprieve. In fairness, rather like Seth McFarlane's bloated "Family guy", after it was renewed the first time "Futurama" did really well, like someone given a second chance and determined to prove themselves, but in latter years and towards the end of the final season it seems to have slipped. But that is a story for a much later time.

For now, we can relax and enjoy the adventures of the weird and wonderful characters we've ben introduced to. There are semi-relationships developing between Fry and Bender, Fry and Leela and maybe even Fry and Amy, with others such as Zapp Branigan's hopeless quest to woo Leela and Zoidberg's hapless attempts to gain respect or indeed even recognition from anyone seeming doomed to failure. After the initial shock of waking a thousand years in the future, Fry has adapted rather quickly to life in the 31st century, and in many ways all he's done is updated his old lifestyle. He's still lazy, arrogant, easily bored and easily distracted. He's still in basically a dead-end job and really, nobody respects him. He had hoped to be captain of the Planet Express Ship, but Professor Farnsworth, despite being family, didnt even consider that idea. Not that surprising, as Fry has never flown anything in his life, much less a spaceship!

Some very cleevr ideas have been advanced in the series, with much more to come. The idea ofthe Mooon being a theme park is inspired, while the Trisolarians --- although incongruous --- are a totally new concept that works quite well. Groening and his team have explored, as do the Simpsons, social issues such as environmental resources, pollution, inequality and prejudice, and will delve into more weighty topics in future seasons, though always with a healthy does of humour and a satirical bent, sometimes at the series itself, utilising the old maxim, if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?

We've seen, too, the vital role that robots play inthe 31st century, and how it irks Bender that his brethern are, as he sees it, oppressed (though only when it means he can get out of work or make a fast buck, ideally both). Robots will continue to be a huge factor in "Futurama". We've already seen a whole planet run by robots --- who seem about as incompetent as humans --- and been introduced to the Church of Robotology, with its very real Robot Devil. Robots are subject to addictions too we see, though the alcohol Bender consumes, rather than be seen as a vice and something to avoid, is in fact vital for his proper operation, as we assume it is for all robots. Later we will learn of Robot Wrestling, robot doctors and the Robot Mafia --- the entire Robot Mafia --- and will even encounter robot ghosts!

There are many weird and ofbeat adventures to experience yet for the crew of the Planet Express Ship, and really up to season five and its first cancellation the quality hardly flags once. Even after that, when "Futurama" comes back after four full-length DVD movies and a fan campaign, it's as strong as ever. Perhaps the series will secure another, alternate channel for future seasons, but for now we have a whole lot to look forward to. To quote the opening episode: "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!"

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Season One, Episode Six
"Salvage"

James is disgusted with the news that Elizabeth is pregnant, both due to the stigma that attaches to the family and the fact that his plans for her to marry Albert Frazer are now in ruins. Elizabeth is unrepentant, and refuses to do as her brothers command, the only honourable way out of this dilemma for her, marriage to Daniel Fogarty. James however lays out her alternatives, which are not palatable either to them or to her. She can only go to the workhouse or sell her body on the street if her brothers disown her and turn her out of the family. The Charlotte Rhodes, meanwhile, on the way home is caught in a terrible storm, a "widowmaker", which has already claimed two ships before it, and in great distress.

Frazer reminds James that he has agreed to meet him at noon for a demonstration of the shipbuilder's new steam ship, an appointment James has neither time for nor interest in, but he does not want to insult Frazer and so he must attend. One of the crew's wives, seeking an advance on her husband's wages before he comes home, lands Robert in trouble when she lets slip that he has helped her before, something that James does not look kindly upon. Before he has a chance to berate his brother though news comes through that the Charlotte Rhodes has been sighted but is in bad shape and may sink. James snaps to Robert that he couldn't afford to insure the ship, so if she goes down they lose everything.

When Callon hears of the ship's fate, and more, that she is not insured, he and his son hatch a plan to salvage it and its cargo, especially when he sees that Baines and the crew have been taken off to safety and the ship is now afloat. Baines brings more bad news, that the sailor whose wife was trying to get credit, George Bascombe, has been washed overboard. However there is also good news, of a sort: the ship is on fire. Why is that good news? Well, for one thing a ship on fire does not lend itself to be salvaged, so Callon will be spited. But more importantly, part of the cargo is hides, and with the ship letting in water they will be damp, so will smoulder but not catch fire, so there will be smoke but not too much actual flame. James can save the ship, if only he can get out there before Callon. But as Baines says, the Lady Sylvia is the fastest ship in port. Or is she?

Rushing to his appointment with Frazer he asks him to help get him out to his ship, and though Frazer is doubtful, he cannot resist the chance to prove to Onedin how superior to sail steam is. And so the race is on, between the fastest sailing ship currently in Liverpool and Frazer's new, untested "floating kettle". At first all seems to go well and they catch the sailing ship, then pass her. But soon after accomplishing this task there is a problem and the steam ship breaks down. While it's becalmed, the Lady Sylvia catches up again and passes them. Once Frazer fixes the problem though they again pass the sailing ship and eventually reach the Charlotte Rhodes before Callon's ship can, managing to get her safely home.

Fogarty returns to Liverpool, and the two Onedin brothers go to see him: a matter of their sister's honour must be settled. After the fight Fogarty agrees he will marry Elizabeth, but not because James orders him to. Unfortunately, the fiery Elizabeth has other ideas and refuses. When James ominously reminds her of the consequences of her refusal, Sarah sticks up for her, declaring that if she is forced out of the house she will go with her, and the brothers are left at an impasse.


QUOTES
James: "Just remember this, Elizabeth. An unmarried woman with child, disowned and with no money of her own has but two destinations: workhouse or the street!"

Baines: "What does he have in mind?"
Robert: "Don't ask me! I'm only his partner! He expects me to go running after him: well, he's wrong!" (He pauses, looks at Baines with a resigned expression and runs after James)

Anne (to Elizabeth): "Life is full of traps for us women, and despite all your fine talk of independence you've fallen into the oldest trap of all."

FAMILY

SARAH
Far from the high-flying lifestyle she believed would come from her husband joining forces with James in his new venture, Sarah has seen nothing but hardships. The wives of every crewman besiege her door, looking for an advance on their man's wages --- "only a few shillin's!" --- and she is heartsick. She is beginning to regret encouraging Robert to sign on the line with James now. What has it brought them but misery, and now another mouth to feed, and less money to go round? And worst of all, if the Charlotte Rhodes, their only ship, should founder now, and without insurance...

She is further scandalised by the fact that Albert Frazer continues to call on Elizabeth --- but why would he not? He knows nothing of her condition. Sarah tells her she must tell him to stop calling on her.

EDMUND CALLON
Over the course of one episode, Callon's son has underwent something of a dramatic change. In the previous episode, in which he was introduced to us, he seemed less beliggerent than his father, frowning on the crimping of Baines and almost sympathetic to the Onedins; perhaps he had a sneaking admiration for someone who would take on his father's collossus with just one ship. But now, it is he who suggests salvaging the Charlotte Rhodes, and as the steam ship breaks down after passing them he stands in the stern of the Lady Sylvia, cackling like a pantomime villain. He seems to have performed a complete about-turn in his attitude towards James and his brother. I personally consider this very bad writing; a character, especially one so recently introduced to the storyline, should not change so drastically in so short a time. What's next? James feeding orphans and providing free passage? :rolleyes:

ELIZABETH
Pushed by her brothers into marriage, and knowing that Fogarty only asks her now because of the child, Elizabeth sticks to her guns and refuses his offer. She knows this may result in her being kicked out of the house and the family --- James has warned her of as much --- and does not know of Sarah's solidarity towards her, but she would rather live her own life, independent and penniless if need be, than conform to James's ideas for her. She must also realise that there is "another port in a storm" she can fly to: surely Albert will be delighted to take her in? But what of the scandal? And what of Frazer's relationship with James? He has already mentioned that he sees the trip out to the Charlotte Rhodes as a demonstration for a potential customer, and hopes James will at some point engage him to build steam ships. Will he jeopardise that possible future business relationship for love? And what about the baby? Will be be content to raise another man's child?

ALBERT FRAZER
Frazer knows how the wind blows, and he knows that all captains depend on it, but he has seen the tide turning and knows that steam is the future. The shortest distance between two points, he tells James, is a straight line, and the ship that can move without needing to bend to the vagaries of wind direction has to be superior. Of course, steam ships also represent a great danger, being an untried technology and still at this point pretty much in its infancy, but Frazer has faith in them. His success in getting James to his ship, outpacing the fastest sailing ship in port, has to be seen as a major triumph for him, and for the new propulsion method, despite the hitches.

A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE

The arrangement for payment of a sailor's wages was thus in 1860: half of a month's salary on presentation of a note to the shipping line, given the wife on departure, and the rest on arrival of the ship home. I have to presume this is to protect against the line paying out for a man who did not return home, whether he was lost at sea or perhaps jumped ship, never to be seen again. Seems harsh but then that would appear to have been the practice of the time.

TIGHTFIST

When the Charlotte Rhodes has been saved, and James instructs Robert to pay off the dues and to pay the sailors, he asks what about Mrs Bascombe, the lady who was looking for credit against the arrival of her husband. But George was washed overboard, and James gruffly replies that she can be paid for the two days her husband worked, and no more, as he did not complete the voyage. Life at sea is hard, and there is no room for sentiment. Well, apart from Robert that is. Whether he's just soft-hearted or afraid to face his convictions I've never been quite sure, but he promises to pay Mrs Bascombe in full, contrary to his brother's orders.

MANNERS AND MORES

I've written already about the social stigma a pregnant, unmarried woman carried in the time of this series, but the two brothers directly blame Fogarty, believing he seduced their sister. They cannot countenance the possibility that she instigated the tryst, even though she hints at such. Any such admission receives sharp rebuke from James --- he actually hits her --- because if it were true it would make an already intolerably bad situation much worse. Choosing then to believe that all the blame lies with Fogarty, James calls him out and, to satisfy honour in the old-fashioned way they brawl, as James takes his frustations out on the other man, though he takes many knocks himself.

Interestingly, though Robert does not take part in the fight, it is he who tries to defuse the situation slightly, by offering his hand to Fogarty as he gets up, a hand Daniel brutally shakes off. He is not ready to forgive and be friends. His pride has been hurt, as well as his body, and he most likely resents the fact that he is the last to hear of Elizabeth's condition, when he should have been the first. Well, she did try to tell him before he left, but he wasn't listening to her.

HISTORY LESSONS

Although it's been referred to before, mostly in passing, this is the first episode where we really see the new technology of steam challenge the old, and sail loses out in the main. Though Frazer's ship suffers from its hiccups, it ends up easily beating Callon's fastest to the Charlotte Rhodes and James, despite his front of indifference, is impressed. He can begin to see how these "floating kettles" could be a massive advantage for the man who is prepared to take a risk. But he lists the failings of the steam ships too: difficult to repair, break down easily, new and therefore untrustworthy technology. Have to carry coal as fuel and therefore that leaves less room for cargo. Dangerous, to be sure. And dirty; the steam from the funnel as it passes the Lady Sylvia is noxious and makes men sputter and cough as the cloud briefly envelops them.

But steam is the way forward, as we know. In twenty or thirty years sailing ships will be gone as the dominant mode of transport, and soon will be relegated to the position of pleasure craft only, while steam will go on to fuel bigger and more powerful and luxurious passenger liners, as passengers who once feared the wind and captains who were forced to steer by it now generally ignore it. The shortest distance between two points is indeed a straight line, as Frazer points out to Onedin, and steam ships will make that straight line an attainable grail for sailors in the very near future.

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1.8: "Beloved infidel"

Frasier and Niles, having dinner, are interested to see that their father is at the same restaurant, with a woman. As they watch covertly though, the woman breaks down and leaves. The date, if date it was, has not gone well. As Martin's dinner partner leaves the boys realise that they recognise her as Marion Lawler, a figure from their youth. They then also remember that their parents had a big falling-out with the Lawlers, and start to worry what that might have been about. Niles digs further and they uncover some further evidence which seems to point towards the possibility of their father having had an affair with this Lawler woman. Just then Martin walks in and under some duress seems to confess that yes, he did have an affair. He says he's not proud of it and asks them never to talk about it again.

Frasier seems crushed by the revelation. He has never had the sort of relationship with his dad that he might have liked, but he always respected his integrity. The truth though comes out when Marion Lawler comes to call, and tells him that it was in fact his mother who had an affair with her husband. Frasier realises that his father has been protecting his wife's honour. He tells Martin he now knows the truth, and reveals a truth about himself, that he too has been cuckolded. Martin finds it amazing that anyone could love Lilith, other than Frasier, but at least now the two men have finally something in common.

Note: Interestingly, it's not made clear as to whether Frasier passes on what he knows to his brother. Perhaps Niles still thinks it was their father who had the affair? Though as he seemed less broken up by it than Frasier was, maybe it's better left that way.


QUOTES
Niles: "Sorry I'm late Frasier, but the entrance to your parking garage was blocked by a cab driver with a ponytail scraping gum off his backseat."
Frasier (to Roz): "Madame, your chariot awaits!"

Frasier: "Well, we've got a free evening. Sounds like the perfect chance for a couple of guys on the loose to hit a sports bar, take in a game, sink a few brewskis!"
Niles: "Right. What shall we do?"
Frasier: "Dinner?"

Niles: "Oh no! I don't like this at all!"
Frasier: "Why? What's wrong?"
Niles: "I just realised: if dad's eating here it can't be a very good restaurant!"

Frasier (reading from Niles' journal): Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, it is a necessary tonic for my troubled youth. Niles, how old were you when you wrote this?"
Niles: "Almost nine. Which explains the redundancy: vapid and vacuous. By ten my writing had become considerably tighter."
Frasier: "Along with a few other things."

Frasier: "You are not calling Aunt Vivian!"
Niles: "Why? Are you afraid you'll find out something?"
Frasier: "Yes! That she knows where I live and she still drives!"

Niles: "It's at times like this that families draw together, draw strength from each other. (Pause) What shall we do?"

Frasier (to Niles): "Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?"


THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Roz tells Frasier she has a date, but he notices she only has one shoe, asks if the other one got damaged. She returns with "No, I'm dating a sea captain with a peg-leg, and this makes it easier when we're dancing!" Zing!

When Niles drops in on the station he as usual doesn't recognise Roz. He asks her "What are you doing here?" to which she replies "Oh nothing! I was just passing by and thought I'd stop in for a career!" He doesn't get it though, as he grins "Good luck!"

FAMILY
Well it kind of concerns all the Cranes, this one. We learn in a roundabout way that Hester, Martin's wife and mother of Frasier and Niles, had an affair when she was younger, and that Martin, rather than sully her memory for the boys, when confronted with their detective work and its somewhat inescapable conclusions, takes the blame, pretending it was him who had the affair. This episode serves to show us a few things. One, that the boys, though they regularly laugh at their father's "ordinary joe" ways, love him and respect him, and the possibility of any impropriety on his part is completely alien to them. It also shows the depth of love and respect Martin had for his wife, that he is willing to let his children think that it was he who had the affair. Finally, it shows that, with their scientific and inquisitive nature, neither Frasier nor Niles can allow a mystery to go unsolved, even if it leads them into dark places. This trait will surface again later.

DAPHNE
We hear for the first time (I think) of Daphne's brothers, all of whom "worked down the docks" in Manchester, except for one, Billy, who decided to teach ballroom dancing. It's interesting to note that, straight-talking and hardnosed as she can be, facing realities head-on, Daphne is blissfully unable to see the simple truth that Billy is quite obviously gay, even if everyone else can. In matters of her family, or some of them at any rate, she is as blind as a bat.

NILES
More of the younger Crane's little quirks are revealed in this episode, and we see that some of them started when he was very young. He seems to have had some aversion to direct sunlight, a mortal fear of flying things like bats and moths, and wrote at age nine like an accomplished author of three times that age. He laughs when he reads what he has written, grinning that by the time he was ten his writing had improved considerably.

AND ISN'T THAT...?
Danielle, the frustrated French caller in the opening sequence, is voiced by JoBeth Williams.

1.9 "Selling out"
New character! See below. Just don't say her name aloud three times... :shycouch:
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Frasier is upset that he is being asked to promote a particular Chinese eatery on his show, so he asks his family for advice, and on that advice decides to take them to the restaurant, to see if he can truthfully say that he enjoys the food there. The night goes well and Frasier begins doing the promo, which results not only in the restaurant's client base improving but in his falling foul of a cut-throat agent who will over the course of several seasons take him through Hell and back. Ladies and gentlemen, pleased to meet her? Hope you guessed her name! It's BB Glaser, agent for Bob "Bulldog" Brisco, who has seen fresh meat in the shape of Frasier and wishes to become his agent.

Although Frasier resists her advances she presses him, citing the rising cost of college tuition when she hears about Frederick. And so begins a marriage forged in the fires of Hell, as Frasier advertises everything he's asked to. He does however cling to his ethics, insisting in testing everything he endorses to ensure he likes it. This leads to problems when BB secures a TV ad for a certain brand of nuts, and apart from the fact that he does not like nuts, Frasier points out that they're unhealthy and bad for you, and as a doctor he cannot endorse this product. Greed wins out though, and before he knows what's happening Frasier finds himself in a TV studio, preparing for the ad. Then he sees the script and does not like it. He's getting less comfortable with it by the minute.

Having spoken to Niles, he decides against doing the ad and his place is taken by Dr. Joyce Brothers, playing herself.


QUOTES
Frasier: "Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of equipment known as the tunnelling electron microscope. Now this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesemally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem!"

Daphne: "What about Doctor Sneezy's cold remedy?"
Frasier: "Doctor Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus should have tipped you off!"

Frasier: "I don't know: what's the word I'm looking for?"
BB: "What word? Tuition? Beachhouse retirement?"

EGGHEAD
Professing that he wants no special treatment at the Chinese restaurant, Frasier decides to book under a false name. However when he can't get the table he wants he mentions who he is, and suddenly doors open. Despite his wanting to appear ethical and not trade on his name, he's prepared to drop that line once it no longer fits in with his plans. His ethics are, at least in this case, and in others which will crop up, somewhat malleable and open to negotiation.

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
When Frasier congratulates himself over using "have you a yen for Chinese food?" as a pun, she is quick to point out that Yen is the Japanese currency, so his analogy is inaccurate at best, insulting at worst.

FAMILY
DAPHNE
Here we learn that in her youth the fiesty care worker once starred in a British TV sitcom --- quite popular in its day, perhaps you've heard of it? "Mind your knickers"? No? Probably just as well.

MARTIN
Although sometimes he will, most times Martin will not try to sway Frasier's opinion or decision --- or Niles' --- and here he seems to stay out of it, but at the end you can see he's relieved that his son has not sold out by advertising something he not only does not believe in, but has actively advised against. He tells Frasier that Frederick will thank him, and though we're led to believe he did do the advert, it turns out that Martin is saying Frasier's son will thank him for retaining his integrity and providing a good example.

NILES
Whether it's pique, jealousy or an honest opinion of his brother, Niles makes no bones about the fact that he does not think that what Frasier does is real psychiatry. At best it is "pop medicine", at worst showmanship and sensationalism. He compares him to Sharon Stone in "Basic instinct", telling Frasier that "they've already looked up your skirt and seen everything there is to see." This somewhat childish attitude towards his brother's profession will continue on through the series, as he believes himself a "proper" psychiatrist compared to Frasier's radio talk show host version.

AND ISN'T THAT...?
Roger, the caller for whom even the electron microscope would not be powerful enough to locate Frasier's interest in his problem, is voiced by Carl Reiner.

1.10 "Oops!"

Rumours abound at the station that KACL is way over budget and someone is for the chop. Roz reasons that it may be Bulldog, and when Frasier repeats this possibilty back to Father Mike, who has been worried about his own show, as fact, Bulldog just happens to be listening. He rushes off to give the station manager a piece of his mind --- "He can't fire me! I'll quit!" --- but Roz is aghast, telling Frasier that he took her gossip as the truth and that, surprise, surprise, she was wrong! The meeting Bulldog is meant to be going to with the station manager is to discuss taking his show nationwide! Far from being fired, he's basically to be promoted!

But by the time Frasier gets to the manager's secretary it's too late: Bulldog has let loose and there is no coming back. When Frasier gets home Martin asks him what happened to Bulldog? He tuned into the sports show but Bulldog wasn't there. Frasier, embarrassed, tells his father that Bulldog quit but avoids the fact that it was his fault. Daphne, however, says she detects "an aura of guilt" around him and he has to come clean. Martin is furious and tells Frasier he must get Bulldog's job back: he's not listening to Father Mike on the sports show every day!

Frasier puts forward the theory that maybe this could be the best thing that happened to Bulldog, push him to realise his dreams. Just then Bulldog appears at the door, telling them that not only has he lost his job, but his girlfriend kicked him out and Bulldog has no home now. Frasier puts him up for the night and the next morning goes to see Miller, the station manager, renowned for his bad temper and lack of people skills. Miller agrees they need Bulldog's ratings, so if the little guy will apologise he'll give him his job back. However...

Turns out there is someone still for the chopping block, and it's Frasier himself! But before Miller can make this official he gets a call to say that he has been fired, so Frasier's job is safe. Frasier can barely contain his smugness when Miller snaps "God I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!"

QUOTES
Niles: "I must go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags!"

Bulldog: "Hey! Where are my tickets to the Sonics game? Someone stole my tickets to the Sonics game! This stinks! This is total BS! This ---" (Reaches into his coat pocket) "Oh! Got 'em!"

Bulldog: "I did it! I even told him about the time his wife came on to me at the Christmas party! I said there ain't enough liquor in the world to make me sleep with that porker!"

Roz: "The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the man's back, not in front of him! I didn't realise you were unclear on this concept!"

Niles: "I have to go. Maris is despodent: they kicked her out of the cast of "Cats"."
Daphne: "Why?"
Niles: "She couldn't remember the words to "Memory"."

Miller: "He said that I'm a drunk, I'm incompetent. That my wife is a big fat slut!"
Frasier: "That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight!"

FAMILY
MARTIN
Honour has always been a watchword for the Crane family, at least as far as their father is concerned, so when he discovers that not only is his son responsible for getting his favourite radio personality fired, but that Frasier intends to do nothing about it and will not admit he is to blame when Bulldog comes by, he makes sure that Frasier does the right thing. As we saw in "I hate Frasier Crane", Martin expects his sons to stand up and do the right thing, whether that is taking on a bully, keeping their word or putting right something for which they are responsible. Maybe it comes from being a cop, or maybe it's just how his family have always been, but Martin Crane despises few things as much as cowards and hypocrites.

AND ISN'T THAT...?
Don, the caller who can't undrestand why he can't lose weight and is calling from a fast-food drive-in, is voiced by the one and only Jay Leno.

1.11 "Death becomes him"

The boys and Daphne are worried that Martin has swerved his latest examination, and wonder if there's something the old guy isn't telling them? But it seems he just doesn't like his own doctor, so Frasier makes an appointment with him with a new one, and to make sure he keeps the appointment accompanies him there. However they are left waiting and Fraiser is annoyed, until he discovers that the reason the doctor has not arrived at work is because he has died.

Frasier immediately begins to obssess about his own health. The doctor was close to his own age, and Frasier now worries that the same thing could happen to him. After going through the ritual of setting his affairs in order, he determines to go to the funeral and find out all he can about the man. But try as he might he can find no reason for the doctor's death: he was a health freak, exercised, ate well, had no underlying condition or history of ill health in his family, didn't smoke or drink coffee. Frasier is totally frustrated, however he comes to realise that his time would be better spent at the wake by trying to help his widow understand why her husband has died.

QUOTES
Martin: "She? Oh no! If any doctor's gonna make me bend over I wanna look through my legs and see wingtips!"

Frasier: "Dad! What if I die tomorrow and you and Niles have an argument over ..." (Looks around) "that African mask, for instance?"
Martin: "It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it."
Niles: "I don't want it!"
Daphne: "Don't look at me: I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home!"

Daphne: "I'm a healthcare provider. I've had me fair share of patients die on me."
Martin: "That's a comfort!"

Martin: "Frasier, you've got something on your bathrobe."
Frasier (finding a sticker): "Niles! The vultures are circling..."

Frasier: "You can't spend your life being obssessed by death."
Mrs Newman: "You're not Jewish, are you?"

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
"Well, just because you're 41 and I'm ... not"

Frasier: "Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion we end up talking about your sex life?"
Roz: "Because I have one!"

COP TALES
A new section where I'll recount some of Martin's stories about his time with the Seattle Police.

Here, he talks about a drug bust he was on during which the first guy through the door got shot dead. He worried about it, it having been the first time one his buddies had died in front of his eyes. It affected his work, his home life and he knew he had to get over it or he never would. He decided that every door in future he would just go right through it, not even thinking. Unfortunately, the next door he went though was the one where he got shot, which kind of spoils the story!

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Season 2 "Like life, only better!"

2.1 "Kryten"

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedi...KrytenRoss.jpg
New character! Well, sort of. Although the mechanoid Kryten only features in this one episode, and lends his name to the title, he will return from season three onwards and become a core member of the crew, although played by a different actor and looking much different to the way he is in this episode.

Holly’s joke (not a very good one): “As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?”

Rimmer is still trying, after eight years, to master Esperanto. Lister is better at it than him, and he is somewhat annoyed. Holly, however, tells them both that he has devised a system to revolutionise music: he has added two new notes. Then he tells them the real news, that he has picked up a distress signal. Rimmer is convinced that it is aliens, but Lister points out that Rimmer blames everything on aliens, no matter how mundane. When they make contact, however, it is an earth ship, the Nova 5, which the onboard mechanoid, Kryten, tells them is crewed by three female officers who are in need of medical attention. Rimmer declares that they will rescue them, pretending that he is the captain of the ship.

With the prospect looming of the first contact the three have had with female company in three million years (and in the case of the Cat, the first ever!), Lister, Rimmer and the Cat prepare themselves to greet the women, putting on the Ritz. Even Holly gets in on the act! When they arrive at the Nova 5 however, they find to their disappointment and shock that the three female officers are dead, and have been dead for centuries: they are three skeletons sitting at the table! After convincing Kryten that his charges are dead, they take the mechanoid back to Red Dwarf, where Rimmer immediately takes advantage of the opportunity to have a live-in servant: Kryten is a service mechanoid, built and designed to serve, and is only happy when performing service for others, and Rimmer ensures that there is plenty for the latest addition to the crew to do.

Lister points out to Kryten that Rimmer is not in charge, nor should anyone order him to do anything; Kryten should have his own mind and do what he wants. Trying to get to the heart of the mechanoid's desires, Lister discovers that Kryten dreams of planting a garden somewhere, and he tells him to find a planet with an atmosphere and do it. Kryten however seems unable to break his programming, despite Lister taking him to see Easy Rider and The Wild Ones.

However, Kryten is finally pushed to break the mould of servitude and while painting a portrait of Rimmer, he decides he has had enough, and rebels. After caricaturing Rimmer in the portrait he pours paint in his bed and then takes Lister's spacebike, leaving Red Dwarf to find his own destiny.

Best lines/quotes/scenes

Rimmer tries to learn Esperanto:

WOMAN: "Mi esporas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos milda."
RIMMER: "Wait a minute, I know this one, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me!"
LISTER: "I hope when you come the weather will be clement."
WOMAN: "I hope when you come the weather will be clement."
RIMMER: "Lister, don't tell me. I could've got that."
WOMAN: "Bonvolu direkti min al kvinsela hotela?"
RIMMER: "Ah... I remember this from last time..."
LISTER: "Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?"
RIMMER: "Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly, and completely wrong."
WOMAN: "Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?"
RIMMER: "Lister, will you please shut up?"
LISTER: "I'm only helping ya!"
RIMMER: "Well I don't need any help."
WOMAN: "La mango estis bonega! Dlej korajin gratulonjn' al la kuristo."
RIMMER: (Snaps his fingers) "I would like to purchase that orange inflatable beach ball and that small bucket and spade."
WOMAN: "The meal was splendid! My heartiest congratulations to the chef."
RIMMER: "What? Pause!"
LISTER: "Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years. How come you're so utterly useless?"

Lister bemoans the ridiculous amount of work one has to do at art college, the reason he dropped out after less than two hours:

“I thought it was going to be a good skive and all that, you know? But I took one look at the time table and just checked out, man. I mean, it was ridiculous. They had, they had lectures at, like, first thing, in the afternoon. We're talking half-past twelve everyday. Who's together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste!”

Rimmer tries to hit Holly with an Esperanto curse, and of course gets it totally wrong!

RIMMER: “Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" (Thumbs his chin at HOLLY) “And I think we all know what that means!”
HOLLY: Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet."

Holly revolutionises music

HOLLY: “Yeah, I've decimalized it. Instead of the octave, it's the decatave. And I've invented two new notes: H and J.”
LISTER: “Hang on a minute, you can't just invent new notes.”
HOLLY: “Well I have. Now it goes: (Singing) Do Re Mi Fa So La Wo Bo Ti Do. Do Ti Bo Wo La So Fa Mi Re Do.”
RIMMER: “What are you drivelling about?”
HOLLY: “Holrock. It'll be a whole new sound. All the instruments will be extra big to incorporate my two new notes. Triangles will have four sides. Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings. Course, women will have to be banned from playing the cello.”

Rimmer’s explanation for everything: aliens!

LISTER: “Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys -- it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall -- it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day -- you thought that was aliens as well.”
RIMMER: “Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?”
LISTER: “Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?”
RIMMER: “Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say the don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alienesque like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.”
LISTER: “Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!”

Holly informs Lister that they have run out of cow’s milk a long time ago, and are now using…

HOLLY: “Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.”
LISTER: (Staring at the cup) “Dog's milk?!”
HOLLY: “Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.”
LISTER: “Why?”
HOLLY: “No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.”
LISTER: “Why didn't you tell me, Holly?!”
HOLLY: “What, and spoil your tea?”

Rimmer answers Kryten’s distress call from the “Nova 5”

RIMMER: “Tell them we're coming aboard. By god, we'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer!"
KRYTEN: “Thank you, Captain.” (Ends transmission.)
LISTER: "Space Adventurer?"
RIMMER: “What was I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out the chicken soup machine! Actually, we know sod all about space travel but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!?" That'll fill them with confidence, won't it?”

Rimmer fakes Esperanto to Kryten, who unfortunately speaks it fluently:

RIMMER: (With a painfully nasal laugh) “Ah ha ha. Carmita, carmita!”
KRYTEN: “Ah! Vi parolas Espekanton, Kapitano Rimmer?”
RIMMER: “Uh, come again?”
KRYTEN: “You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer?”
RIMMER: “Oh, si, si, si, jawohl, oui!”

The crew break the bad news to Kryten about his long-dead charges:

KRYTEN: (Noticing the silence) “Well, is anything the matter?”
RIMMER: “Anything the matter? They're dead.”
KRYTEN: “Who's dead?”
RIMMER: (Pointing to the skeletons) “They are dead. They're all dead.”
KRYTEN: “My god! I was only away two minutes!”

Kryten does “a spot of tidying-up”

LISTER: (Holding up a pair of boxer shorts) “What are these?”
KRYTEN: “Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.”
LISTER: “No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend! What have you done to the place?”
KRYTEN: “I've done a spot of tidying up.”
LISTER: “But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?”
KRYTEN: “I threw it away, sir.”
LISTER: “But I was breeding that mould. His name was Albert. I was trying to get him two foot high.”
KRYTEN: “Why, sir?”
LISTER: “Because it drives Rimmer nuts, and driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.”

Lister educates Kryten on how Rimmer should be addressed

LISTER: "Mister Arnold isn't his name. His name's Rimmer. Or Smeghead. Or Dinosaur Breath or Molecule Mind. And on a really special occasion when you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you can call him Arsehole."

The Cat outlines why he would never chase a stick:

CAT: “You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? (To an imaginary stick-thrower) Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad why'd you throw it away in the first place?”

PCRs

Thought it might be time to expand the notes a little this season, so I’m taking a leaf out of my book on other series and referencing any Popular Culture References, or PCRs that crop up in the series.

“Androids”: In the opening scene-but-one, Kryten watches the soap opera “Androids” on the vid of the “Nova 5”. Of course, this is meant to refer to crappy Australian soaps, particularly “Neighbours”, a fact reinforced by the poorly-disguised theme tune, the inclusion of “Kylie Android” in the credits and the terrible plotline which runs “Brook Junior? What about Brook Junior? He isn’t your android!” Oh dear.

Clive of India: Lister sneers that Rimmer looks like the famous Englishman who secured Britain’s power in India during the eighteenth century. I must admit, I did not know such a person existed in history when I watched this and thought Lister was paraphrasing Lawrence of Arabia!

Bonehead: One of Rimmer’s nicknames is Bonehead, which may or may not refer to his admiration for Napoleon Bonaparte. Or may just reflect the fact that he is a bonehead!

Chicken McNuggets: Rimmer says to Kryten that the three ex-ladies have less meat on them than a chicken McNugget. Apparently, MacDonalds were annoyed at this slight on their yummy, nutritious food and ordered the word “mc” removed from all US broadcasts! :rolleyes: Come on Ronald! We all know they’re talking about your food, with or without the “mac”!

Marlon Brando: As he breaks his programming and faces down Rimmer, Kryten gives the “what ya got?” speech from “The wild one” and effects the same stance, his voice even taking on Brando’s inflections as he revolts.

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Episode One

In the opening scene we see Hattie Sutton cycle by, dressed as the May Queen, while at least three men, all of whom we will meet shortly, watch her with various possible intentions in their eyes. Some weird Morris-like dancers approach and surround her, but she doesn’t seem threatened and continues on her way. A man dressed like a tree raises his hat and smiles at her as she passes, but when she has gone by his eyes narrow. The next scene is her bike by the side of the road, abandoned, and a long shot into the forest. We see snatches of a girl being pursued.

A woman visits the vet, concerned that her dog is too fat. The vet feels it odd that the woman, Gail Spicer, tells her that her husband, Malcolm, walks the dog every evening, two hours into the woods. She says if Duke were getting this sort of exercise he would not be overweight. Linus, a local teenager watches Caitlin, Hattie's twin sister, making out with some other guy, laying plans to wait till she is older and then marry her. Fiona, a retired police officer, finds the abandoned bike but thinks little of it. Steve, a local man, rushes to stop the festivities from beginning: the May Queen has not turned up yet.

Returning home, Gail finds her husband moping over a huge scale mockup of a village, and challenges him over the alleged dogwalking. He however tells her it’s Duke’s diet that is at fault: she is feeding him on pate, too rich for a dog. Linus returns home, having been chased by local bullies, to find his father, Everett, locking a heavy bag in a cupboard, and being very secretive about it. It becomes pretty clear now that Hattie has disappeared and the police are called. Fiona finds her husband at home, taking a shower and very agitated, angry even. Steve’s brother, Seth, who has some mental problems, wants to go back to the woods, where he intends to stay, being happier there than in the council house he is being encouraged to live in.

Steve goes to visit Hattie’s father, and promises to roundup everyone to help search for the missing girl. It seems he has history with the family. Meanwhile Fiona’s husband, Alan, who is also a cop, storms out of the door. Gail decides to take Duke for “a proper walk”, but when Malcolm realises she’s going to the woods he seems perturbed. Fiona finds blood on her husband’s discarded clothes and sets about washing them. In the forest Duke pulls Gail off-course, towards a structure obviously erected by her husband, a bird hide. From the amount of cigarette butts on the ground around it she realises that this is where he has been spending his time. But what has be been doing? There are ribbons hung up, and dismembered parts of dolls --- heads, arms, legs --- and when she picks up a butt she confirms it is Malcolm’s brand.

Back home she tackles him, and he admits that he goes to the woods to watch birds. It’s clear he’s a man under pressure and has things on his mind about which he has no intention of talking to his wife. Linus meanwhile has his own suspicions, as his father speaks about Hattie in what seems to be a more familiar way than the boy expected; he doesn’t even remember Everett speaking to Hattie, never mind her confiding her deepest fears to him. Asked out on the search, Malcolm refuses to help. Point blank, refuses. Gail however forces him to rethink, afraid of the stigma it will place on the family. Or is it just that?

Seth, meanwhile, remains in the woods and beats a drum, seemingly performing some sort of pagan ritual. The search party break into the home of a listed sex offender living in the area and Steve roughs him up, but Malcolm pulls him away: they have no evidence the man is involved and this is not helping. But the search party is becoming more of a lynch mob as tempers flare and frustrations grow, and when they head into the local kebab shop and find Alan there Steve makes a snide remark about the police not being bothered about finding Hattie. Very brave with about twenty men at his back, indeed.

The search progresses into the woods. Malcolm is the expert on the area, but intentionally leads them astray, away from his hide. It surely wouldn’t look good for him were they to find his little area of the woods, realise he hangs out here and then maybe think back to his initial reluctance to help. In Fiona’s house, we briefly see the shadow of a large figure (Seth?) before the daughter cries out, and a window opening as the intruder runs away. Linus goes to talk to Caitlin, and the tragedy begins to draw them a little closer. She tells him that being Hattie’s twin she knows her sister is dead, even though no body has been recovered yet. Linus talks about his own mother, and says he sees her at certain crisis points in his life, despite her being dead: almost as if she is watching over him.

Going into her husband’s study while he is out searching, Gail notices that the pictures of people protesting against the village Malcolm was developing, and of which all is left now is the huge model, include some of Hattie, and begins to worry. She wants to get into Malcolm’s computer but has not the password. He refuses to give it to her, making her even more suspicious that he is hiding something. In the woods the party find a fire, not too long stamped out, and a crown of flowers, which may or may not belong to the missing girl. Alan returns home, says he needs to talk to Fiona. He tells her tried to help a girl who may have been raped, and she spat blood at him. This, then, it would seem, is the blood she found on his shirt.

Linus talks more about the death of his mother. He doesn’t remember much, as he was very young when it happened. On returning to the house he sees his father is asleep and snags the key to the cupboard, opening it and dragging out the mysterious bag. Just as he is about to look inside though Everett looms over him, punching him and fuming at him for disobeying him. He quickly locks the closet again. In the forest, Steve, alone, yells out for Seth, who is hiding in a tree. Gail looks closer at the village model, and is dismayed to find that one of the figurines that people the model is hanging from one of the trees.

QUOTES
Gail: “People will think we don’t care!”
Malcolm: “I don’t care!”

Steve: “Seth! Seth! What have you done?”
Seth (in tree): “You know what I’ve done.”

Searcher: “I used to think you were a bastard but now I see I was wrong.”
Malcolm: “You weren’t wrong. I’m a complete bastard. A few hours in the woods isn’t going to change that.”

Gail: “What do you need privacy for, anyway?”
Malcolm: “I need to think.”
Gail: “About what?”
Malcolm: “Everything.”

Hattie’s father: “The police keep looking in the house. Upstairs, like she’s suddenly going to pop up from behind the water tank or something!”

SUSPECTS

Already, even though this is only episode one, some very clear suspects are beginning to emerge. But unless they all did it, or had a hand in it, who is the real culprit? Much of what I enjoyed about “Mayday” was the fact that virtually everyone had something to hide, and though in nine out of ten cases that wasn’t abduction/murder, there are some pretty dark stories to be revealed over the course of the next four episodes.

Malcolm: Surely the number one suspect? Why was he so reluctant to join the search? What exactly was he doing in the woods? And, most damning of all, why has he arranged one of his little figures in his mock village in a hanged posture? Earlier, when his wife is badgering him to go out and help look for Hattie, he calls her (Hattie that is) a little bitch. Why? Has he some experience of her? But then again, yes he has: she is someone we find out who was instrumental in the opposition to his building development, which is now in tatters.

Alan: Why was he in the shower, and why was he so impatient with his wife when she pressed him on it? Why would he not let her come in? Whose blood is that really on his clothes? Do we believe his somewhat fanciful story of a girl spitting blood at him? Fiona obviously thinks there’s more to it, as she’s very quick to make sure the clothes are washed, almost as if she feels he may have something to hide, and she intends to help him do so. traehllorT dluow ekil And why isn’t he, as Fiona’s husband and a neighbour, out helping look for Hattie? Steve challenges him on it obliquely, and yes he’s a copper and is tired, with men on the case. But why isn’t he going the extra mile?

Seth: Another major suspect. He’s a big man, seemingly with a low IQ or at least a feeble grasp of reality. He seems to prefer to live out in the woods, and we’ve already seen hints that Hattie was chased into there. Did he see what happened? Or is he in fact the one who took her, perhaps murdered her? What is the ritual he is performing in the forest, and what does he mean when he mutters “You know what I’ve done”? Is that Hattie’s garland found near the fire, the fire he built, or even his own? We’ve seen him at the start wearing one just before the May Queen disappeared. And he obviously has mental issues, as Steve tells him that he has worked hard to get him a house, and he must try to live in it.

Everett: He’s definitely hiding something. What is the bag in the cupboard that he won’t let Linus see, and protects to the degree that he hits his son when he tries to look at it? How did his wife die? Is Everett a serial killer? Why does he not join in the search, and how is it that he professes to know so much about a girl he has, to his son’s knowledge, hardly ever spoken to, if at all?

Linus: Can we discount the troubled teenager? Sure he looks weedy but then we’re talking about a “sweet, innocent girl” here. And he obviously has frustrated feelings for Hattie’s twin. Is it possible he has kidnapped her in order to live out some sick fantasy, wherein he pretends she is Caitlin? Hey don’t knock it: stranger things have happened!

Steve: Although he leads the search party, he’s very keen to place the blame anywhere he can, so you would have to wonder if, given the hinted-at history he has with the Suttons, this guy has something more to hide, and is trying to throw off suspicion from himself? Don’t they say the killer/abductor/rapist always inserts themselves into the search?

SMALL TOWN, SMALL MINDS
If there’s one thing you can be guaranteed about a small close-knit community, it is that they have secrets that they share with nobody, and they don’t look kindly on outsiders. Racism rears its ugly head here, and bigotry too. Okay, so a resident is known to be a sex offender, but Steve has no right to barge into his house and accuse him of abducting Hattie: he’s not the police. Similarly, when the owner of the kebab shop offers to help them search when he has closed up, his offer is waved away dismissively and almost rudely by Steve. When the guy then offers to give them free food though, Steve is the first to increase his order, without so much as a thank-you. In fact, I’d say the self-styled leader of the search team is only one step away from considering the shop owner a suspect because, you know, he’s a foreigner, not one of us, never trusted him etc.

It’s no secret though that Malcolm Spicer has an axe to grind with Hattie, as she publicly stood in the way of the development of the village, something Spicer seems to have sunk all his money and hopes into, and which is now either foundering or dead entirely. One of the guys on the search party praises him for helping with the search, despite the fact that the girl they seek has been a thorn in his side and stood in the way of his plans, and indeed Steve initially when looking for Malcolm’s help says he will understand if Spicer does not want to, given the history of the two families. When it comes down to it though, and Malcolm refuses, Steve calls him selfish and can’t believe he won’t lend a hand, being the man who knows the woods best. Seems in Steve's world, you're either with him, or you're against him.

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Any of you who happened to drop in on my main journal in the run-up to last Christmas can’t have failed to have seen my series of “25 of the worst Christmas albums --- ever!” It was fun, I enjoyed it and this year I’m doing it again --- nah. No way I’m going through that again! And anyway, what would be the point of rehashing the same idea in the same journal? No; much better to rehash the same idea in another journal, and let’s face it I have five to choose from. So what else do you associate with Christmas. Oh yeah.
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Now I’m not talking about the repeated-so-often-you-know-every-word movies that are still good, just guilty of having been on far too many times. We’ve all groaned at the fact that “Willie Wonka” is on again, then settled down and relived our childhood memories, singing every song, cheering for the good guys and booing the bad. And we’ve all sneered at the repeats of “Miracle on 134th Street” or “It’s a wonderful life”, but you know, there’s nothing else on and we’re too full of turkey to move and what the hell … and we realise these are also good, classic movies, again just a victim of TV oversaturation every Christmas. But those are not the movies I’m talking about. Some films drive you mad because they’re on every year, not because they’re bad movies in themselves.

But then, there are the other kind. The bad kind. The sort of movies that should never even have been made, and probably wouldn’t have been if they didn’t have the word “Christmas” in them, or a Christmas theme or story that basically just props up a really badly-written and/or acted movie. Movies that make you hate Christmas, or make you long for just one more showing of “Oliver!” or “The snowman”. Movies that have no inherent value or merit at all, and only make you wish whoever wrote, starred in and directed them (and financed them) had taken the time to look at the real Christmas movies, to see how it’s done.

Now I’m no movie critic (Hi, Exo!) :wavey: so I have no intention of reviewing, critiquing or in many cases even watching these movies. For once, I’m going to be led by popular opinion and told what to think by experts in the field. Hey, they know more about movies than I do: why not? Tying in with the overall tongue-in-cheek nature of this feature, which was and is never meant to be taken all that seriously --- so if you happen to love or rate one of these movies don’t start shouting at me: it’s Christmas. Or soon will be. Take it in the spirit in which it’s intended --- I’ll be giving a very brief outline of the movies, mostly taken from IMDB, letting you know who “starred” in them, and if any actors or actresses who should have known better got conned into performing in them, and throwing in a few of my own mostly badly-chosen comments.

So before you open that TV guide or check your EPG and roll your eyes saying “Oh no! Not THAT one again!” check these movies out and perhaps you’ll end up being thankful for that fourth screening of “The sound of music”. Possibly.

(Disclaimer: Neither Trollheart nor The Couch Potato (™) agree to be held liable should you find yourself not grateful for that fourth screening of “The sound of music”.)

Oh, as was the case the last time, these are in no particular order. Some may be worse than others, and probably are, but I haven’t ranked them or anything.
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Elves (1989)
OK well I don’t know whether, if I was ranking them, which I’m not, this should be at the top or bottom, but either way it’s gotta be up there with some of the worst films, not even Christmas films, ever. Just listen to the blurb from IMDB, which is where I’m going to be getting most of my synopses, in a Batlord-style attack of laziness. Again I say, it’s Christmas! You expect me to work? ;)

A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Oh yeah, this has it all. Santa, elves and Nazis. Written and directed by the same guy, what a surprise, and although featuring a whole cast who could easily come under the category of “nobody you know”, it does have some interesting names in it, such as the boy whose surname is Grimm, someone called Winter Monk (really!) and a girl called Heidi who has the dubious distinction of being cast as the “bitchy coed”. Oh man, you couldn’t make this stuff up!

With themes such as rape, racial superiority and, er, horror, this is just the movie to put you in that warm, glowing Christmas holiday mood.

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Fred Claus (2007)

Ah yes, another in a long line of Santa-themed movies, where characters impersonate, disguise themselves as or in some cases actually become Jolly old Saint Nick. This is as you can see somewhat more recent a movie, and because of that you can expect it to be hip and happenin’, or whatever the kids say these days. Sick probably. No wait: that was the previous movie! Here’s what the oracle at IMDB has to say about it.

Fred Claus, Santa's bitter older brother, is forced to move to the North Pole.

Yeah. Says it all really doesn’t it? No doubt ol’ Fred, a two-for-one amalgam of Santa and the Grinch it would seem, loses his crusty distrust of Christmas and learns to appreciate the true meaning of the holiday season. Urgh. Just look who’s in it.

Vince Vaughn. Well, no surprise there. Our man Vince is always up for a low-brow, play-to-the-gallery movie that doesn’t put too much strain on his feeble acting talent and his even less sturdy grasp of comedy. But some of the others are a surprise: Miranda Richardson? Rachel Weisz? Kathy Bates? Kevin Spacey? No, let me just check that again, I obviously got that… no, it’s him all right. Man, he must have needed the money! And yet it’s 2007 so he had already made it big.

What is it about a Christmas movie that can attract big stars, no matter how crummy the film may be? Season of giving, I suppose. Oh look! Frank Stallone’s in it too. Probably the first film he’s done since, er, er … and Stephen Baldwin! And a lot of people whose names end in -ina, -nova or -vitch, presumably all meant to be genuine, um, Greenlanders? Huh?

Oh yeah, and Ludacris, whose name is probably the most fitting for this turkey of a movie, pops in as a, er, rapping DJ elf. Okay I’m done.

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Oh, when will they show anything decent on TV at Christmas? The plaintive, oft-repeated cry of so many of us as the festive season approaches and we start reading, or scanning, to see what’s on that we can watch while digesting the huge Christmas dinners we’ll all be partaking of. And it’s true: there is some garbage on the telly. Christmas is a time when often the channels just trot out any old rubbish, anything to fill up the TV schedules. The History Channel and its various sisters can be the worst. I remember last year one of them --- Nat Geo, Discovery, one of those --- ran one particular programme (think it was “American Pickers”) all day! Nothing else for the entire Christmas Day! Talk about lazy! (No I’m not showing that picture again. Oh, all right then…)
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But there is some good news. If you look and plan your viewing there are some gems that are almost always shown around the Christmas period, and though there’s little new, these particular programmes are almost always worth watching, even if you’ve seen them three or four years running. In this section I’ll be advising some of my favourite Christmas programmes, ones I never get tired of no matter how often they show them, and ones I always look forward to. Irish/UK TV only guys, sorry: that’s where I live. The rest of you are on your own!

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Blackadder’s Christmas Carol (BBC, 1988)

An oldie but a real goodie. There have been so many different interpretations of Dickens’s classic Christmas story, a story that in fact defined and rejuvenated Christmas, that you’d wonder how anyone could come up with a new slant on it. But between the end of Blackadder the Third and Blackadder Goes Forth the writers of this supremely funny and clever comedy series decided to make a Christmas special, and this was the vehicle they chose to use.

The whole idea of turning the “Scrooge” idea on its head is inspired. Far from being another grouchy old miser who sees the true meaning of Christmas thanks to ghostly visitation and becomes the nicest man in London, Ebeneezer Blackadder is the nicest man in London,who sees the true meaning of Christmas thanks to ghostly visitation and becomes a grouchy old miser! Realising that people have been taking him for a ride all his life, while he thought he was just being nice, Blackadder watches his ancestors, whom the Spirit of Christmas tells him were all "very bad men", and comes to admire them, then hits back when he sees his not very appealing destiny, and decides to change himself for the, er, worse, in order to avoid becoming a “hermit, quiet nights alone with your bible --- your own turnip!”

Rowan Aktinson is of course brilliant as ever. In all but the first series he plays Blackadder as a nasty, scheming though ultimately somewhat hapless individual, so turning nasty at the end is not a stretch for him, but it’s interesting to see him show the nice, simpler side of the character, even if it doesn’t last. Tony Robinson is as ever the dutiful servant, who is aghast when his kind master gives him a present --- “I made it myself. It’s called a fist. You use it for hitting. And you can use it again, and again, and again. Say thank you Mister Baldrick!” --- and can’t understand the change in old Ebeneezer. I won’t give away the ending in case you haven’t seen it, but it’s a typical Blackadder-style comedic twist.

Most of the usual suspects get a look-in, some only in cutaways as the Ghost shows Ebeneezer the lives of his ancestors. So you have Miranda Richardson in her role as Queen Elizabeth, but also as the future Queen Asphyxia, Hugh Laurie as the Prince Regent and Patsy Byrne as Nursie, though sadly there’s no role for Tim McInnerney’s Percy. There are of course some great lines bastardised from Dickens ---- “Tiny Tim isn’t a cripple, Mrs Cratchett! Saying “Phew my leg hurts” and limping when you remember to is not being a cripple!” --- or when she asks him if he has anything for her dinner --- “Mrs C: I thought perhaps you had found me a little fowl? Blackadder: I’ve always found you foul, Mrs Cratchett, and more than a little!” And the “Piggy-wiggy-woo” song has to be seen to be believed! Robbie Coltrane shines as the Ghost of Christmas --- Blackadder: “Can I offer you some tea?” Ghost: “Ye don’t have anything a wee bit more --- medicinal?”

All in all it’s a laugh riot and very clever, so if you haven’t seen it put it on your list and watch for it; it’s bound to be on at some point, probably more than once. For those of you outside the UK, I’d strongly advise buying it on DVD. You won’t regret it and it will make your Christmas just that little bit happier.

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2.3 "Bloodlust"

Investigating a series of murders in Red Lodge, Montana, (also cattle mutilations, though the sheriff refuses to see any connection between the two) Dean and Sam uncover evidence that the town may be host to vampires. One of the victims, a girl, has a set of retractable fangs. They meet up with another hunter, called Gordon, but he seems to know all about the vampire infestation and is protective of his hunt; he doesn't want any help. Though he says it's an honour to meet the boys: their reputation --- their reputation, apart from their father's --- seems to be growing. However they are not that easily put off, and follow him to his next kill, saving him when the vampire pins him down. The duo are now, for the moment, a trio.

For some reason, Sam doesn't take to the guy, acting all suspicious and edgy. He leaves and goes back to the motel while Gordon tells Dean about his sister, who was taken by a vampire. That was how he got started in the hunting game. Sam talks to Ellen, who warns him not to ally with Gordon. She knows him, he's a good hunter but he's bad news. She says he's best left alone to his hunts. He goes to buy a drink, and on the way back to the motel room he is jumped and knocked out. When he comes to he is, not surprisingly, the captive of vampires, but one of them, a female, who appears to be their leader, says they will not hurt him. Lenore tells him that they do not drink human blood, only animal (hence the cattle deaths); it's not perfect and in fact they hate it but it keeps them off the radar of hunters like him and Dean. It's a survival mechanism, a compromise they've had to embrace in order not to be hunted down.

Lenore tells Sam that the vampires are leaving town tonight, and they just want to be left alone. She asks him not to hunt them, and to prove her sincerity she lets him go. When he tells Dean about what he has heard his brother is naturally sceptical. He also doesn't seem to care: "If it's supernatural we kill it," he says, "end of story". But Sam is not convinced. Just because something is supernatural, he tells Dean, does not mean it's evil, and they hunt evil, not everything they can't explain. He tells Dean also that he can see what's happening here: his brother has latched on to the older, more experienced hunter as a father figure, a sort of surrogate for John Winchester. Dean ia annoyed but deep down he knows Sam is right. Sam tells him Ellen warned them off Gordon but Dean will not listen.

They realise too late that Gordon must have been listening to their conversation, and as Sam has described pretty closely how to get to the nest --- even though he was blindfolded he was able to note details of the journey --- the hunter must have gone after the vampires. Dean wants to help but Sam convinces him they should stop him. Gordon meanwhile paralyses Lenore with Dead Man's Blood, and then sets about torturing her to get her to reveal the location of the rest of the vampires. When Dean and Sam see how unnecessarily cruel he is being, bordering on psychotic, they begin to wonder. Dean tries to reason with him, says he understands about the vampire who killed his sister, but Gordon sneers that the vampire didn't kill his sister; it turned her, and he killed her, without a second thought.

Now the boys know Gordon is out of control. He knows about Lenore and her crew not drinking human blood, but he doesn't care. To him, all vampires are evil and it's just an excuse to keep killing. He then says he'll prove that vampires can't change their nature. He slashes Sam with the knife he was about to use to despatch Lenore, and drags him towards her, forcing the bloody arm in front of her. He drips the blood onto her tongue and her fangs extend, Gordon crows in triumph, but Lenore shakes her head, retracts her fangs and turns away. Seeing the proof that she is trying to avoid human blood, Sam helps her get away while Dean fights Gordon, eventually knocking him out and leaving him tied up.

As they take in this new information, Dean now worries if what they have been doing, their cause, their mission, is morally right? What if some of the things they killed did not deserve to die? How blurred the line between good and evil has become, and how black and white have melded together into a very fuzzy grey, a border the boys are going to have to perhaps consider more carefully from now on before crossing over it.

MUSIC
AC/DC: "Back in black"

Journey: "Wheel in the sky"


PCRs
None in this episode

BROTHERS
Whatever misunderstandings they may have, how much they may fall out, even now in the aftermath of their father's death, Dean and Sam look out for each other. After taking out his frustrations on the car last episode, Dean has rebuilt it and is much happier. There are of course sitll tensions between them: Dean has always seen Sam as somewhat less committed to the cause than he is, not least because he came late to the fight and is younger, but also because he's a "college boy", and Dean harbours a sneaking contempt for those better educated than him. He thinks that often Sam thinks too much when he should be just diving in like Dean. So the revelation that these particular vampires are not drinking human blood, and its acceptance by his brother sets Dean's teeth on edge. He can't believe it as easily as Sam, and he thinks his kid brother is being fooled.

But there's more behind it. Deep down, some part of Dean must scream that this cannot, must not be true! If it is, then the boys must question every time they've killed a supernatural being, from Reapers to phantoms, and wonder if they did the right thing, or was it just instinct, instinct which may have been based on a false premise. In an epiphany similar to what we saw in "Angel", the "Buffy" spinoff show, Dean wonders if maybe not everything that is supernatural is evil? If that's the case, they have a lot of cold hard thinking to do. sih sdneirf, dna But if it is the case, then Sam is right, and that must bug Dean as much: that his brother was prepared to allow for the possibility, whereas Dean --- good old straight-talking, straight-shooting, gung-ho Dean --- couldn't even think of such a thing.

Still, when Sam is threatened by Gordon Dean turns his gun on him, and in the end he sees that Sam was right, and helps him to "rescue" Lenore and allow her to escape. But more than that: Dean surely must see in Gordon a vision of how he himself might become --- might already be --- a savage, unprincipled, sadistic killer whose only goal is to kill things. Gordon killed his own sister, and now perhaps he's out for revenge, but it looks like he's just got the bloodlust of the title of this episode and can't stop, or doesn't want to. Rather interesting and surprising too, that in an episode with such a title and being about vampires, it's in fact the human who is the focus of the lust for blood, not the creatures of the night. The chances are that in another life he might have been a serial killer --- the instinct is there --- but being a hunter allows him to indulge his psychopathic predilections without any fear of consequences or punishment. Dean wonders has he really become like Gordon?

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
Vampires, again, plead for the basic right to existence. As we saw in season one, they seem to be willing to coexist with humans, though Luther and his clan don't swear off human blood. Even so, it's becoming apparent that at least some vampires know that to attract the attention of hunters is suicide, and it's much easier to keep a low profile. Even Luther rages that bringing Dean and Sam to their nest will only result in others finding it too. But in that season one episode, John was not preapred to listen to the somewhat plaintive cry of Luther, shooting him dead instead. Here, his sons seriously consider the proposal, and eventually act on it, leaving them with something of a conundrum to sort out, and a big spanner thrown in the works of their mission, which up till now has been crystal clear and unchallenged.

The ARC of the matter
Not really any arc stuff in this episode, although it's likely that since they didn't kill him, Gordon will be back. Whether or not he ties into the arc is something we will have to see. But this episode, like the last one, is pretty much self-contained. There is a shift in the boys' worldview of course, which is important and will impact future episodes, down the line.

2.4 "Children shouldn't play with dead things"

On a visit to their mother's grave, the first time the boys have ever been there, and with considerable resistance from Dean, Sam buries their father's dogtags in the soil and tells his mother that he reckons his dad would have wanted her to have them. On the way out Dean accosts him about the grave of a young girl, around which all the grass has died in a perfect circle, which he thinks is a bit odd. As no pesticide was used on the ground around the grave, what would make every living thing die in a perfect circle around it? Unholy ground? Dean is convinced there's a case to be answered, but Sam thinks he's just avoiding their mother's grave. He goes with him nevertheless when they visit the girl's father, a professor at her school who teaches ancient Greek.

Unable to find out anything that helps them, Dean has a row with Sam who says he's inventing a hunt in order to avoid having to go near their mother's grave. Dean storms out and goes to break in to the apartment that Angela, the girl who died, apparently in a road accident, occupied, but her room mate is there. After calming her down, Dean finds out that Angela's boyfriend, Matt, killed himself last night by cutting his own throat, and that before that he had been saying that he had seen Angela everywhere he looked. Dean begins to think he is actually on to something now. When he tells Sam what he has found out, his brother has to admit that maybe something is going on. Doesn't mean Dean isn't avoiding facing the grave, but rather than just a coping mechanism or a distraction, this so-called hunt he is working on seems like it might be real.

Dean says he visited the boyfriend's house and everything living there is dead --- plants, even goldfish --- but that reading Angela's diary, which he stole, she does not seem the vengeful type. If anything, he says she seems "too nice". While interviewing her friend, Neil, they discover that Matt was inadvertently responsible for Angela's death, as he had cheated on her and upset her. Perhaps if that's the case then Angela's revenge is over, but to be sure Dean thinks they should burn her bones. The fact that she's only a week dead, and they'll have to burn the whole corpse, doesn't seem to faze him as it does Sam. But they go anyway and open her grave. The coffin is empty.

They find strange symbols on the side of the coffin, which Dean recognises as being similar to the ones in the book in the professor's office. They go to talk to him again, virtually accuse him of using necromancy to bring back his daughter --- the symbols were used in ancient rituals to bring back the dead: "full on zombie action!" as Dean puts it --- but he genuinely does not seem to know what they are talking about. He throws them out. Meanwhile, Angela has returned and met up with Neil, and they kiss. When the guys read Angela's diary they realise that if the professor really didn't bring her back, then maybe Neil did. They break into his house and find the basement, with dead plants confirming that this is where the resurrected girl has been staying, but both she and Neil are gone.

When they work out where she has gone, they end up in the home of Lindsey and Angela, the guys having figured out that Lindsey was more broken up about Matt's death than her roommate, so must have been the girl Matt was cheating with. They find Angela there and shoot her with silver, but she gets away. They head to Neil's office, where they tell him they know everything. He tries to misdirect them but they realise Angela is hiding in the cupboard when they see the dead plants. Hatching a plan, they make up a ritual and say they have to get back to the cemetery to perform it. This is partially true: the lore on killing zombies is so confused that they're not sure what is real and what is Hollywood. The silver helped but did not kill Angela --- well, re-kill her --- and now they believe their best hope lies in returning her to her grave and basically staking her into the ground. But to get her there they have to play this elaborate game.

It works. When they've gone, Angela makes Neil take her back to her grave, intending to stop, ie kill the guys, but they are ready for her. She has already killed Neil, believing he was going to leave her, and after a short fight they manage to get her into the grave and pin her there with a long metal stake. She screams, shudders and is still. It's finally over.

On the way out of town Dean stops the car and reveals to Sam that he knows, or suspects, that he's the reason their dad died. He thinks maybe the demon was involved, but he knows that there's no way he could have made that "miraculous" recovery unaided. Surely he remembers the Reaper being possessed by the demon and telling him it was his lucky day? He now thinks that he's just like Angela: what was dead should stay dead. He was as good as dead, and he should not have been brought back. His father --- their father --- paid the price for his survival, return, call it what you will, and Dean now carries the guilt of that, to add to all the other burdens he hauls around with him. Sam is unable to say anything to comfort him, because he knows that the chances are that what he says is all true. It's far too much of a coincidence that just as Dean recovered --- miraculously --- John died, and he knows their father exchanged his life for Dean's.

And there's really nothing you can say about that.

MUSIC
None

PCRS
Dean snarls to Dr. Mason "Haven't you seen Pet Semetary?" The Stephen King book and later movie about reanimated corpses.

Dean says to Sam "Dude, you've been watching too many Romero flicks!" George Romero, famed director of zombie movies such as "Dawn of the dead" and "Evil dead".

WISEGUY
Even with, or perhaps because of, all the tension between he and Sam, Dean can still manage a wisecrack, and when they see Angela is gone from the basement and Sam asks if Dean thinks she has gone after someone, he quips "Nah, she's probably just gone to rent "Beaches"!"

Again, after they shoot her and she legs it: "Damn! That dead chick can run!"

BROTHERS
Sam worries about Dean. His obsession with this hunt, his refusal to believe it's nothing, his avoidance of their mother's grave, it's all building to something, and though he is in the end right about Angela, it all comes pouring out of him at the end of the episode, when he reveals that he feels responsible for their father's death. He isn't dealing, because he can't deal. How can you accept the fact that your father died in your place? How can he feel any different to the zombie Angela, coming back from the dead when she should have been resting in her coffin? That's where Dean believes --- knows --- he should be now. He wasn't meant to be saved: as the Reaper told him, it was his time, and he should have died. But his father did something, made some deal, and Dean lived while he died.

Sam can offer no words of encouragement, because he surely suspects all this is true. He is concerned though, prior to the outburst, that Dean is just lashing out, looking for something to kill, something to take his frustrations out on. Which he is. He almost attacks the professor when he mistakenly thinks the girl's father has brought back his daughter, and Sam has to pull him away before they're arrested. He's seen how Dean was with Gordon, and does not want his brother to end up like him, a bitter, twisted, sadistic killer who glories not only in the hunt but in the kill, and asks no questions as to whether it's justified or not.

The ARC of the matter
Again, nothing specific, though the idea of John Winchester sacrificing himself for his boy is again brought up and into the light, and will in fact prove pivotal to part of the story arc later.

Coming soon!
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I have absolutely no idea why you seem to dislike this. From your description that sounds fantastic. Do you not appreciate "So bad it's good" kind of films or is it just bad bad to the point where it's not even funny?

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The Polar Express (2004)

Two words. Well, four. Four words to chill the heart and snuff out the yuletide fire. Tom Hanks, at Christmas. That’s all that needs to be said. But if you’re in doubt…

On Christmas Eve, a doubting boy boards a magical train that's headed to the North Pole and Santa Claus's home.

Sounds delightful yes? Now I’m aware that many of you may love this film, think it’s touching, engaging, charming. Well you should all be boiled with your own Christmas pudding with a stick of mistletoe in your hearts. Let me just remind you: Tom Hanks. TOM. HANKS! At Christmas! I have nothing further to say.

Oh dear god! Say it isn’t so! Steven Tyler! Steven Tyler as a rock elf! What were you thinking man? You can’t walk that way! Have some respect, for the love of Ozzy! It’s Christmas!

Haven't seen it. Like I said in the intro, I'm being led by IMDB and others, and from the description it certainly don't sound like any film I'd want to sit down with my grandchildren and watch at Christmas. If I had grandchildren. Which I don't.

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The man who invented Christmas --- Charles Dickens

It’s not too much of a stretch to make the above claim. One of the foremost writers of the nineteeth century, Dickens’ works have been transformed into television dramas, films, cartoons and plays, and even Walt Disney took inspiration from him when creating the character of Donald Duck’s miserly old uncle, and so Scrooge McDuck was born. Everybody knows of Dickens’ more famous works, even if they have never read a line. Most have been as I say on the TV or made into films, and names like Oliver Twist, Great Expectations and David Copperfield evoke the kind of familiarity with the works of a man of whom many of us can say we have never read anything that is almost astonishing.

But of course Dickens is always best remembered for his 1843 novel “A Christmas carol”, in which we are introduced to the mean, nasty old Ebeneezer Scrooge, who hates everything about Christmas until he is visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve, who show him where his life is heading unless he changes, and open up to him the joys of the festive season, making of him a new man. For this novel Dickens is widely and rightly acclaimed, but more than that: “A Christmas carol” became instrumental in remaking Christmas at least in England, where the season was only half--heartedly celebrated and where there was no real structure for same; it was mostly a religious holiday, strictly and piously observed but without the traditional jollity we associate with it now.

(This next passage is lifted wholesale from Wiki, as I’m too lazy to paraphrase it)
Christmas - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Dickens sought to construct Christmas as a family-centered festival of generosity, in contrast to the community-based and church-centered observations, the observance of which had dwindled during the late 18th century and early 19th century.[141] Superimposing his secular vision of the holiday, Dickens influenced many aspects of Christmas that are celebrated today in Western culture, such as family gatherings, seasonal food and drink, dancing, games, and a festive generosity of spirit.[142] A prominent phrase from the tale, "Merry Christmas", was popularized following the appearance of the story.

In addition to this revival of the Christmas holiday season, Henry Cole created the first ever Christmas card in 1843, not at all coincidentally the date of the publication of Dickens’ novel. This helped make Christmas more a time for family and friends, laughter and joy rather than cold religious observance as it had been up to then.

A man, then, who may not have invented Christmas per se, but certainly shaped it into what we now recognise it as, and who was extremely instrumental in making it a holiday for all, not just the rich or the religious. Charles Dickens truly brought the real spirit of Christmas to the streets of London, Birmingham, Liverpool and all over England, and thence to Europe and the rest of the world, through his magical tale and its theme of redemption and forgiveness and change, so I think we can honestly say that without Dickens, and without “A Christmas carol”, we would in all likelihood not celebrate Christmas as we do today.

Mind you, we might also not have all the crappy Christmas films and all the overpriced gifts we have to purchase, but then you can’t have everything.

So let’s hear it for the man who saved Christmas, the man who brought Christmas back, the man who, to all intents and purposes, invented Christmas, at least, the Christmas we know today.

Thank you, Charles Dickens. And in a weird, off-key way, thank you Mister Scrooge...

Why? Taking yourself too seriously there, ol' chap? And what's wrong with Tom Hanks? I legitimately have no idea why Tom Hanks in a Christmas movie should offend you. He's likable, has a comforting voice, and has already proven that he is a natural at children's movies.

Nothing about this is supposed to be taken seriously. Please stop psycho-analysing me. It's all fun, a light-hearted look at some really crappy Christmas movies, most of which I have not seen. Don't you read OPs? I explained this in the introduction.

was and is never meant to be taken all that seriously --- so if you happen to love or rate one of these movies don’t start shouting at me: it’s Christmas. Or soon will be. Take it in the spirit in which it’s intended

As for Tom Hanks, I just hate the guy's smarmy face. I can hate actors you don't hate. I can do that. It's a free country (well, until Angela Merkel signs us all up to the German social security system I guess...). As I said, you may like it, or love it. I bloody hate the idea. And just exactly what is he doing behind that kid in that screenshot anyway? If that doesn't look creepy then I don't know what does... :laughing:

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Black Christmas (2006)
Let’s spit the taste of cloying sentimentality out of our mouths and look at a “dark” Chrimbo movie, shall we? Nothing says Christmas like coeds being murdered by a maniac, after all, and while the title may seem the most cliched and obvious pun on one of the most popular or wished-for aspects of the holidays, it’s actually a remake of a far superior film from 1974, but this one jettisons the original’s suspense and sense of dread and goes right for the jugular (it says here) with an all-out banal slasher flick mentality that has about as much subtlety as Adam Sandler at a comedy roast. Awful. IMDB says

An escaped maniac returns to his childhood home on Christmas Eve, which is now a sorority house, and begins to murder the sorority sisters one by one.

Of course he does. Why do these guys always murder people --- usually girls, and nubile, helpless ones at that --- one by one? Why not just go for the big kill, get them all at once? Then said slasher can take the rest of the night off, put his bloodstained feet up and spend some quality time watching classic Christmas movies. Who’s for all this stalking, waiting, scaring, baiting, chasing? I’d rather get it all over with and have some "me" time. Better than watching this garbage anyway.

The only one I can see here who I know is Michelle Trachtenberg, who nerds like myself will know as the whiny but sexy Dawn from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. Bet she wishes she was still on that show! Didn’t it ever dawn on her that she was making a bad career move here? Sorry, had to say it. Ok, I’ll move on, no need to get rude.

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The Snowman (Channel 4, 1982)

Timeless animation that is as popular with adults as with kids, it’s an adaptation from the novel by Raymond Briggs about a snowman who comes alive and brings a little boy on the trip of a lifetime to Tijuana, sorry Lapland, to meet Santa. lla srebmem fo The story is of course cliched and trite, and there’s no real point --- the boy isn’t sick or dying, or from a broken home --- and there is no dialogue whatsoever, the entire twenty-six minute film suriving on its haunting score, including the Aled Jones hit “Walking in the air”. Every year it’s on I grimace and say I won’t watch it and every year I’m sitting there with a tear in my eye when --- ah **** it, spoilers? Look, he’s a snowman, what do you expect happens at the end? Yeah. He melts away. Life’s cruel, get used to it!

Strangely enough for something which is after all primarily aimed at kids, there’s no moral here --- or if there is one it’s in the book and doesn’t make it to the movie version --- it just ends, rather downbeat really. I suppose if there is a moral it’s maybe that nothing lasts forever, or that you have to wake up sometime, if the trip to see Santa can be seen as a dream the young boy had. Ah who cares? It’s a great little piece of animation and will definitely make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

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Santa’s slay (2006)

Oh the joy of word play! You see what they did there? Santa’s sleigh becomes … yeah I know, not that funny right? Not to mention that, given the subject matter and storyline, they could also have rearranged the name of jolly old Saint Nick to make it Satan’s slay, but then, how Christmassy is that? Well, about as Christmassy really as the idea of Santa Claus having originally been a demon. Here, I’ll let that guy at IMDB explain it.

Santa Claus is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.

Okay well, didn’t take that much explaining after all. So at least it’s a change from the heartwarming, family-friendly Xmas movies we get crammed down our throats every year (incidentally, in this that’s exactly apparently what happens to James Caan: Santa rams a chicken bone down his throat. So, there is at least one good thing we can say about the movie!) but this is sort of taking it all the way across the tracks to the wrong side of town, beating it, stabbing it, burning it and then dragging what’s left of the corpse back across the tracks and crapping on it for good measure.

Let’s see then if any starving Hollywood stars or TV personalities down on their luck got duped into appearing in this pile of …. well I never! Saul Rubinek, who I only know as Donnie from the later seasons of Frasier and from one role he played in Star Trek: the Next Generation --- dirty beggar stole Data and displayed him among his collection! That did not turn out well, as you can imagine. But also Rebecca Gayheart, Robert Culp, who will forever be known to me anyway as “that other guy from The Greatest American Hero”, Fran “The Nanny” Drescher and of course James Caan, in a spectacularly bad piece of decision-making for him.

Interesting to note too that there are two actors whose parts are credited as “Spoiled Boy #1” and “spoiled Boy #2” --- I can guess what happens to them when our Christmas-hating, redemonised Santa gets hold of them!

Oh dear, oh dear! Let’s move on, shall we?

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Eight crazy nights (2002)

There are two words that precede this title that tell you all you need to know about what to expect. One is Adam, the other is Sandler’s. Yeah. It’s an Adam Sandler movie. Now, say what you like about Sandler --- and I’ve said much, none of it complimentary --- but I will admit this much: he’s not getting any typespace here. IMDB says of the movie

Davey Stone, an alcoholic with a criminal record, is sentenced to community service under the supervision of an elderly referee. Davey is then faced with trying to reform and abandon his bad habits.

Exactly. What else would you expect? And of course, simply due to the presence of the lunkhead of comedy in it, there are other lunkheads who unwisely decided to donate their, ah, talents. People like Rob “The Animal” Schneider. Oh, and that’s it thankfully. yrev yppaH samtsirhC Tyra Banks also got drafted in somehow, but my main gripe is that not only did Sandler write this piece of trash and hoodwink his buddies into playing parts, or voices, in the movie, he reached out somehow to the music community, and so Alison Krauss and Ann WIlson will forever wonder about that missing few hours in their lives when they met Sandler for a drink and then next thing they remember is waking up with a contract they didn’t remember signing, and no choice then but to go through with it. Ah, remember the old adage: when dealing with Adam Sandler, it is always --- always! --- advisable to murder him before he gets you involved in some godawful film you will regret for the rest of your life!

Is that..... THE Goldberg....





I had no idea he ventured into making Christmas movies. I am definitely going to make that a priority to watch immediately. Would probably be a hilarious post-bar drunken movie to laugh at. ScyFy is gonna have to take a backseat this weekend I think. If he spears someone in the movie, I will lose my mind.


Also, Adam Sandler has been unfunny in so many movies at this point that I've tried to erase some of his films from my memory.

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Title: The Seventh Seal
Year: 1957
Genre: World Cinema
Starring: Max von Sydow as the Soldier
Gunnar Bjornstrand as Jons
Bengkt Ekerot as Death
Nils Poppe as Jof
Bibi Anderson as Mia
Ake Fridell as Plog
Inga Gill as Lisa

Director: Ingmar Bergman
Writer: Ingmar Bergman

Perhaps one of the most famous and certainly most iconic films in World Cinema, Ingmar Bergman's “The Seventh Seal” was his ticket to the big time. The movie propelled him to international stardom, leading him to become one of the most respected and influential figures in cinema, directing over forty movies during his lifetime, many of which, like this one, he also wrote.

A knight, returning from the Crusades to his native Sweden, thanks God for his safe return. Just then Death appears, and the knight knows that it is his time. The knight, Antonius Block, challenges Death to a game of chess. He is an avid chess player, and prior to the arrival of Death was in the process of setting up a board. Death agrees, more out of amusement it would seem than anything else, and Block tells him that he must promise: as long as the knight can resist Death he may not have him. Should Block somehow defeat Death, then he will live and Death must go on his way. The rules agreed, the game begins.

Whatever the rules, it's clear that staying playing is not one of them, as the knight and his squire, Jons, move on from the beach, heading for the town. On the way they come across a hooded figure sitting on the ground, and ask the way to the inn, but the seated figure does not reply. It's soon clear why: he is dead. And horribly disfigured too. Further on, a family of travelling actors camp, and one of their number swears he has seen a vision of the Virgin Mary, though his wife does not believe him.

At the local church Block meets a painter, who tells him that the Black Death is rampant in the city, and people are dying in droves. Sick at heart, he goes to the confessional but finds there not a priest but Death, who asks him why he does not want to die. Not recognising the Reaper, Block says he does want to die, but before he goes he wants to understand, to know why God is how He is, to see His face and know that He exists. He does not want to go into the eternal void questioning, unsure. He wants, as Death points out, guarantees. dna a taerg 4102. He tells Death that he wishes to perform one last meaningful act in a life filled with careless abandon and aloofness from his fellow human beings, to atone for his coldness and lack of interest in others. He has already revealed his chess strategy to Death before he realises who he has been talking to, and curses himself.

As he leaves the church, Block comes across a young girl in stocks. He is told that she has been found guilty of devil worship, and is to be burned in the morning. Intrigued, he asks her if she has indeed seen the Devil but she does not answer. However, having remained silent while he was questioning her, she suddenly begins moaning and keening as soon as the knight leaves, perhaps recognising that someone who might possibly have come to her aid has departed, or perhaps seeing a kindred spirit.

They move on, coming to a village where Jons saves a young girl from being raped by a man he recognises as Raval, one who had convinced Block to travel to the Holy Land ten years previously, while he remained behind; it seems he has now devolved to robbing corpses. He spares him, but tells him that if he meets him again Raval will bear the scar for the rest of his life. He asks the girl to come with him, as he will need a housekeeper when he gets home. She is reluctant, but he reminds her that he saved her life, and so she goes with him.

In the town they come across the family of actors, who perform a dance and musical piece but are interrupted by a group of dour flagellants, religious doomsayers who foretell the apocalypse (which, as far as they're concerned, is already in progress) and try to placate God and atone for the sins of man by whipping themselves. The entire village sinks to their knees at the sight, but Block and Jons, who have seen the hypocrisy of religion and realised just exactly what they were fighting for in Jerusalem, do not. They watch, stony-eyed, as the zealots pass by.

As they arrive at the inn, Jof, the male actor, whose friend Jonas, also an actor, has run off with the blacksmith Plog's wife, is being hassled by Raval, the corpse-robber. Jons makes good on his threat earlier and slices the man's face. They spend an idyllic evening with Jof and his wife Mia, eating strawberries, and Block feels for the first time in a very long while at peace with himself and with the world. Deep questions of theology, the wars of men and even his own impending death seem far away, and he struggles to hold on to the memory as he returns to his chessboard to continue the game against his ancient adversary. However he has now a new view on life, and is not the dour, world-weary soldier he was before meeting and sharing a meal with the actors, and though he has already given away his strategy earlier to Death, who now takes his knight (how symbolic can you get?), Block laughs as he tells Death he has fallen into his trap, as the crusader now puts him in check.

Death though is more concerned at the change in the attitude of the knight, and wonders what has happened to have lifted his heart so? But Death has of course a trick or two up his own voluminous sleeve, and casually drops the observation into the conversation that Block and Jons are travelling through the woods with the actors who, he says pointedly, have a little son. He will not say why this information interests him, and the knight begins to worry, his facade of control and relaxation beginning to slip.

Before they leave, Jons is accosted by Plog, who begs the squire to allow him accompany them through the woods, but as soon as they are in the woods he spots Jonas exiting with his wife, and gives chase! The two face off, and initially Lisa pushes Jonas to protect her, but suddenly goes back to her husband, exorting Plog to kill the actor. He fools the blacksmith though, pretending to take his own life in a not-quite-Oscarworthy performance, but it fools the others. As he makes his escape into a tree, the others having gone off, Death approaches. As Jonas watches first in annoyance then in terror, Death saws down the tree: Jonas's time has come.

As Block and Jons and the acting couple traverse the forest they notice it's very still and quiet, and they don't like it. Then a cart comes rumbling through but gets stuck in the mud. Block goes to help; it's the woman he spoke to earlier, the one accused of witchcraft. Having helped free the wagon, Block and his allies team up with the soldiers escorting it. There's safety in numbers, especially in this dark, quiet forest. Block takes the opportunity when they rest to again question the woman. He says he wants to meet the Devil, but she can't help him. “I only have to put out my hand and he is there”, she tells him, at least vindicating her accusation. But he can't see the dread one. Though she says the fire won't hurt her he sees fear in her eyes and knows it is only bravado. He gives her some herbs to inure her to the flames.

Raval returns, dying of the plague, but there is nothing they can do for him. Block returns to the chessboard to end his game with Death, and when Jof, who is able to see things others cannot, realises who his friend is playing with he becomes terrified and makes a break for it with his wife and child, though she can see nothing and thinks the knight plays alone. Desperately, trying to cover the actor's escape and distract his enemy, Block knocks over some of the pieces, but Death has perfect memory and knows where each piece was. He rearranges them on the board, and the game continues.

Of course, there can be only one outcome, and quickly thereafter Block is checkmated. Death has won, and the knight's life is at an end. However Death now reveals that in addition to taking Block's life when next they meet, he will also take everyone who has travelled with him. The fleeing actors feel Death's pursuit of them as they race through the forest and a great storm whips up. Block arrives finally at his castle, reunited with his wife after so many years. They have a final meal with the others in the party --- the blacksmith Plog, his wife Lisa and the serving girl --- before Death calls at the door and takes them all. Before he does, he asks Block casually if he has achieved his ambition of doing something worthwhile with his life, and the knight says he has, knowing that he has secured the escape of Jof, Mia and their baby. Death will not have them, at least not yet.

As they wake the next morning, having been passed over, Jof and Mia hug their baby and rejoice that they are still alive. Jof looks into the distance and says he sees the knight and his friends all walking behind Death, but as ever, Mia does not place much stock in her husband's fanciful visions, and they turn to go.


QUOTES
Block: “Have you come to fetch me?”
Death: “I have long walked beside you.”
Block: “This I know.”

(Block has obviously realised he is living on borrowed time, facing the hordes of the heathen in the Holy Land, and has probably escaped the clutches of Death more than once, though he must know that his luck cannot hold forever, and does not seem too surprised to see the apparition on the beach. The life of a knight was often a violent and brief one.)

Block (as the game begins): “You have black.”
Death: “It's most appropriate, isn't it?”

Block: “Why do you paint such daubings?”
Painter: “To remind people they will die.”
Block: “That won't make them any happier.”
Painter: “Why always make them happy? Why not frighten them a bit?”
Block: “They'll just close their eyes then.”
Painter: “Believe me, they'll look. A skull is more interesting than a naked wench.”
Block: “And if you frighten them?”
Painter: “They think, and be more frightened.”
Block: “And rush into the priest's embrace.”
Painter: “Not my business.”

Ah but it is. This exchange clearly shows the underlying reason for the artist painting such a frightening mural on the church wall. If people are scared they will want someone to protect them from Death, and who protects from Death like God, or in this case, his agents on Earth, the priests? And can we doubt that this painting is commissioned and paid for by the selfsame priests who hope to reap the reward of sinners converting and seeking their protection?

Block: “How can we believe in the faithful when we lack faith? What will happen to those of us who want to believe, but cannot? What about those who neither want to nor can believe? Why can't I kill God in me?”

Jons: “Our crusade was so stupid, only an idealist could have invented it!”

Block: “Have you seen the Devil?”
Monk: “Don't talk to her!”
Block: “Is it so dangerous?”
Monk: “I don't know, but she's seen as guilty of the plague that has befallen us.”

Here we go again. Whenever something nasty happens people need someone or something to blame, and invariably it's minorities that pay the price. Here, as so often down through history, a woman --- who is probably innocent: what proof have they that she “laid with the Evil One”? --- is made the scapegoat for the infection that is sweeping through the town, the inexorable march of the Black Death.

Jons: “Do you cook? I will need a housekeeper. I am married, but have hopes my wife will be dead by now.”

Plog: “Have you seen my wife?”
Jons: “No I have not. And if she resembled you I'd be quick to forget.”

Jons: “Ah it's Hell with women and Hell without them. Best to kill them when it's at its best.”

Jons: “Love is the blackest of all plagues. If you died from it there'd be some joy, but it almost always passes.”

A hilarious scene in which Jons shares his dislike of marriage or love with Plog, who is lamenting for his wife, who has run off:
Jons: “Henpecking and swills.”
Plog: “Screaming babies and wet nappies.”
Jons: “Sharp nails and malice.”
Plog: “The Devil's aunt for a mother-in-law!”
Jons: “Then when you're going to sleep...”
Plog: “Another tune. Tears, complaints and laments by the sackfull!”
Jons: “Why don't you kiss me?”
Plog: “Why don't you sing?”
Jons: “Why don't you love me like before?”
Plog: “Why don't you eye my new shift?”
Jons: “You just turn your back and snore...”
Plog: “Oh Hell...”
Jons: “Oh Hell! She's gone now! Be happy!”

Jons: “If all is imperfect in this imperfect world, then love is most imperfect in its perfect imperfection.” (whaaa...?)

PORTENTS OF EVIL

As with any perceived curse, the arrival of the Black Death in Sweden is seen to be presaged by many evil omens, none of which of course can be proven to have any solid basis in fact. But when repeated they take on a life of their own, as if the listener expected such horrors, and this is only confirming what they had already dreaded.

“Two horses ate each other”

“A woman gave birth to a calf's head.”

These are the sort of things that got talked about, reported and in many cases probably completely made-up, but once they'd passed through enough mouths, probably with little embellishments added on here and there, they became accepted as solid fact, adn anyone who heard the reports would nod their head wisely and agree that this was just the sort of thing to expect.

APOCALYPSE THEN?

It's hard to imagine what it must have been like back in the fourteenth century when the plague swept across Europe. Medical science being all but non-existent and religious fervour fanning the flames of suspicion and superstition, it surely must have been all too easy to have believed that the Black Death was God's curse upon the world, and that the End of Days was indeed at hand.

More than a hundred million people died across Europe during its short reign, and the world's population was reduced by about a third, up to sixty percent of Europe's alone falling to its dread influence. Of course now we have a good idea --- though arguments still persist on certain points --- as to what caused the Black Death, but back then the prevailing theory was that it was carried on a “miasma”, or unholy wind, and the only way to avoid it was to stay out of the fresh air, which meant that more and more people were packed together breathing the same air and eating the same food for days or weeks at a time. In addition, since it was decided that God was angry with the world, the inevitable blame fell on many women who were accused of witchcraft, as we saw here, and as cats were seen to be the familiars of witches --- demons in animal form --- thousands were caught and burned. This is ironic, since the cats would have been hunting the rats whose fleas are now generally accepted to have carried the contagion.

Nobody was safe. Kings and queens died as often and as agonisingly as beggars and peasants. Truly, the words of James Shirley were never more appropriate: “Sceptre and crown must tumble down, and in the dust be equal made with the poor crooked scythe and spade”. A sense of terror and overwhelming despair must have gripped Europe as the Plague marched on, unchallenged and uncaring, and towns, cities, villages were destroyed in its wake. It truly must have seemed like the end of the world was approaching, and any day now seven angels would appear and sound the trumpets that would bring about Judgement Day.

Who could doubt it? It might seem fanciful now, but if you imagine yourself back in those times, with a total lack of knowledge as to where the Plague was coming from, no way to stop it and no sign of it weakening; as your family and loved ones died around you and you waited to be claimed, surely it must have seemed like God was levelling his final judgement on the world? As one writer put it: “How many valiant men, how many fair ladies breakfasted with their kinfolk and the same night supped with their ancestors in the next world?” Nobody knew when they might be next, and the graveyards filled up so fast that even consecrated burial became impossible, as huge mass pits were dug and filled up, more almost ready for filling by then.

The clergy, of course, loved it. No that's extremely unfair. They were no more immune to the effects of the Black Death than anyone else, and they did minister to the dying when nobody else would go near them, and died in their droves as a consequence. But the idea of this being the wrath of God was certainly pushed as an agenda by the Church, not only to fill up the pews but also to weed out the ungodly, bring sinners back into the fold and if necessary or expedient turn the anger of the righteous upon any minority group it saw as a threat, blaming them for the Plague. Thus the usual suspects --- Jews, beggars, lepers, women, even those afflicted with acne or any other skin condition --- could expect to burn as the hordes desperately tried to appease their angry god.

The whole idea of the movie being in black-and-white works very well too. I know that in the early fifties there were few movies made in colour anyway, but this would not work as well if it were in colour. The dark, oppressive, bleak atmosphere of the film fits in perfectly with the sparse, almost sketchy backdrop. At times it seems like our heroes are travelling across the landscape of a dead alien world, and in many ways it also reminds me slightly of the later “War of the Worlds”, where London is destroyed and there's nothing but rubble, with the occasional Fighting Machine moving among the shattered remains of Man's kingdom. It's bleak, it's barren, it's quiet: the quiet of the grave.

I would however personally question the use of music. I'm certain Bergman knew exactly what he was going for, and achieved that, but I just feel the sense of despair and hopelessness would have been added to had there been no music, no sound really except the occasional voices of the actors. It is though a true case of “less is more”: I can much more readily visualise and understand the belief of the apocalypse coming through this movie than I could with, say “2012” or “The day after”, with all their glitzy special effects and thundering musical scores. Sometimes, a whisper says something far more effectively than a shout.