Trollheart

Oh there's no question Londo and G'Kar were the stars of the show, almost a comedy act, and as you say one was never sure who was the straight man and who the comic. The scene at the lift in "Signs and portents", a very heavy episode with just the one bit of comic relief, is incredibly well-written, especially when you know what happens later. And yes it's hard to decide who is in the right and who is in the wrong; the balance shifts all the time, just like the various races are shown alternately as good and then bad, if such simple concepts can be applied to a show as complex as Babylon 5.

Jerry Doyle will surprise you as season three and four get going, believe me. He may seem a little stilted but he really comes into his own. Talia I never liked: she always sounded like she was going to burst into tears, and paradoxically looked at everyone with rather an icy stare, as if they were insects. Bleh. You DO know what happens later, yes? If not I won't spoil it for you...

And yes, once you see the role he was required to play, and compare it to the more action-hero role of Bruce Boxleitner in later seasons, you can see that it's all a question of style. I've often likened them to an old grizzled veteran and his hothead son, and the roles each play are perfect for the men they are.

Thanks for the comments: how far are you into the season now?

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1.10 "Believers"

This was the point when I sat back in shock and realised once and for all that Babylon 5 was going to be nothing like Star Trek, or at least, the Star Trek I had seen up to this point, where when a major or even minor character is due to die, they always find some way to save him/her/it at the last moment, in some cases actually bringing them back from the dead. In at least the early seasons of Star Trek the Next Generation, and of course the original Trek, and before Deep Space Nine rewrote Roddenberry's "everything will work out by the closing credits" playbook, you knew that no matter what danger they faced, the crew of the USS "Enterprise" were going to make it through. Sure, Captain Kirk or Data or Crusher might SEEM to be in a hopeless situation, near death, or impossible to rescue, but you knew that they'd find a way. The good guys always won, and the innocent were protected.

Yeah.

But Babylon 5, and particularly this episode, changed all that. Surprisingly for its pivotal nature, it's one of the very few episodes not written by JMS, penned instead by science-fiction author David Gerrold, (though the main plot and idea wre from the mind of the series creator) and it's a total gem. Essentially this episode lays out the fundamental challenges in dealing with a race (read, religious group) who have strong views against surgery, to the point where they will refuse to allow a procedure that may save their lives, or that of their loved one, if it goes against their beliefs. This is the situation Dr. Franklin finds himself in, when Shon, a young boy suffering from a respiratory condition fatal if not treated, comes onboard the station with his parents, aliens who call themselves The People of the Egg, and about whom little is known.

The condition is easily treatable, Franklin tells the parents, but when they learn there is surgery involved they refuse to give their consent, for their people believe the soul is housed within the body --- literally --- and will escape if the body is cut open. Franklin can't believe anyone would give such superstitious nonsense credence, but is bound by his office to respect the wishes of the parents. Unfortunately, this conflicts directly with the oath he took as a doctor, and he petitions Sinclair to allow him --- and when he will not, to order him --- to operate on the boy. Sinclair says he must be the parents' advocate, as there is no-one else on the station to whom they can turn, and Franklin testily reminds him of the commander's instruction to his predecessor to operate on Ambassador Kosh, against the Vorlon government's express wishes. Sinclair demurs, saying it's not the same thing.

Franklin advises the parents there is another, less reliable procedure he can try on Shon, which does not involve surgery, and though he and his assistant doctor know this is a faint hope and only putting off the inevitable, they use it to play for time. When it's clear the alternative method is not working, he feels, the parents will cave and ask him to save their son, as you would expect any mother and father to when their child is in danger. He has reckoned though without the aliens' unshakeable faith and their belief that their son will lose his soul if cut, and they again refuse to allow the procedure, even though it looks like the only other option is to allow their son to die.

Franklin then forces Sinclair's hand by making a formal request for the commander to intervene and order him to operate on the boy. Sinclair says he will consider his options, and the parents, believing the commander will vote against them and with his CMO, seek the help of the ambassadors on the station. However, for various and different reasons, each decline to get involved. No-one wants to pick up this particular hot potato. And even Earth Central, whom Sinclair has contacted for orders and/or guidance, pass the buck back to him, telling him it's his decision and nothing to do with Earth. Babylon 5 is a neutral station, and so Earthforce can't apply their own rules and regulations to visitors. Of course, they do so when it suits them: this is just a handy way out for the authorities back home.

Sinclair eventually tells Franklin he has decided to support the parents' decision, after much agonising, and Franklin, furious that the child will die --- even though Shon himself has confirmed he does not want the surgery if it would "cost him his soul" --- goes against his CO's orders and performs the operation. It's a success, and Shon is saved, but when the parents realise what Franklin has done they are aghast, and take the child away with them. Franklin, congratulating himself for having stood up to the commander and done "the right thing", is idly researching what little information they have on the People of the Egg when his blood freezes. Tearing out of medlab and towards the visitors' quarters, he arrives too late, to see that the parents have killed their son, whom they considered to be only a empty husk, devoid of its soul after Franklin's procedure.

Stunned, Franklin can do nothing. It is already too late; the child is dead and the parents are leaving the station. He is inconsolable as he talks to Sinclair in the garden, but the commander, who says he should really ask for the doctor's resignation, admits that it was a hard decision, especially involving a child, and agrees to let the matter rest. Franklin has, after all, his own personal hell to deal with now, as he mulls over whether he was right to discount a people's beliefs and go against the parents' wishes. Now, they have not only lost their son, but believe him to be an evil spirit, and can never feel about him as they once did. In trying to save Shon, he has damned him, and the boy's family, for eternity.

This episode, apart from being a total shock ending, gives us our first real insight into the mind and heart of Dr. Stephen Franklin. On the surface he's a competent, even brilliant surgeon with an almost pathological desire to do right by his patients --- witness his destruction of his xenobiological files, rather than let them be used to create weapons --- but underlying all this is a deep arrogance that as a doctor he knows better than most, if not all. In many ways, and he says it himself in this episode, Franklin plays God, although he does not actually believe in God. This incident will however shake his previously rock solid belief in his own judgement, and will make him question if the right thing to do is always the best thing.

Important Plot Arc Points
None, really. The episode is pretty self-contained, and even the subplot in which Ivanova chases Raiders who are attacking freighters is pretty nondescript and not important to the overall story.

Quotes
Sinclair to Franklin, as he informs the doctor of his decision not to allow him perform the lifesaving operation: "Who should I believe? You, because we share the same beliefs? Or do we? ... What makes a religion false? If any religion is right, then maybe they all have to be right. Maybe God doesn't care how you say your prayers, just as long as you say them ... What we hold sacred gives our lives meaning. What are we taking away from this child? ... I have to refuse to sign the order. I can't allow you to perform the operation."

Kosh, when asked to intervene by the parents, is typically cryptic and no help at all: "The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote."

Sinclair, furious at Franklin for going against his explicit orders, and ignoring the express wishes of the parents: "Who asked you to play God?"
Franklin: "Every damn patient who comes through that door! They want me to make it go away, or make it better, or make it not so. Well, if I have to accept the responsibility then I claim the credit too! I did good!" (Rather worryingly, here the doctor is comparing himself to God, and quite believes it, within this restricted frame of reference admittedly)

Sinclair, after the tragedy: "What makes us human is that we care - and because we care, we never stop trying."
Franklin: "No, what makes us human is that we have so many different ways to hurt." (Personally, though this is an important line, I'm still not quite sure if he means we have so many different ways to hurt each other or ourselves, or if he means we hurt in so many different ways by the choices we make).

Mother alien: "My husband cannot forgive you for what you have done, Doctor. I am not allowed to forgive either, but if it was in my power, I would."
(Whether this represents a cultural shift beginning with the mother, in which she realises that sometimes their rigid faith should not always be adhered to in every situation, or whether she is just recognising the fact that Franklin tried to save her son, at the expense of possibly his own job, is unclear.)

The different reasons/excuses proferred by the various ambassadors for turning down the parents' request are interesting, not only in how different they are and what a slant they put on the situation as seen through alien eyes (other than those of the People of the Egg, I mean) but in that they are all, to one extent or another, right and understandable. Why should an alien government interfere in what is basically none of their business, and more, go essentially up against Earthforce and the command structure of the station on which they all depend to conduct their business in a neutral environment? Nevertheless, the replies and responses are interesting to list:

The Narn view:

G'Kar: "I'd never even heard of your world until two days ago, when my research staff acknowledged your arrival. Interesting little place, but it has really nothing to offer the Narn Regime. You see, alliances are built on mutual advantage."
Mother alien: "We're not asking you to negotiate a treaty: we're asking you to help save our child."
G'Kar: "But you're asking me to exercise my authority on your behalf. What were you thinking when you petitioned us?"
Father alien: "We thought your dislike of the Earthers would be enough."
G'Kar: "Enough for us. Not for you. We do not casually entangle ourselves in the affairs of other species."

Centauri policy:
Londo: "Ah, I sympathise entirely, my dear. This is a difficult and distressing situation."
Father alien: "Will you help us?"
Londo: "Well, I would have to go to the Council, and request injunctive relief. The Council could have Commander Sinclair's decision set aside once he makes it, but I would have to get approval from my world. And I am certain that they would want me to justify the cost, yes?"
Father alien: "Cost?"
Londo: "Research. Committee hearings. All the necessary paperwork involved. Unfortunately, we are on a budget here. We cannot justify such expenses for non-Centauri. Just how much justice can you afford?"

The Minbari position:
Delenn: "I understand your frustration. It must be difficult for you to feel so powerless."
Mother alien: "You cannot imagine. We cannot eat, we cannot sleep. We can no longer focus our thoughts on our daily meditations. We are consumed by this. And no-one listens, no-one hears."
Delenn: "I cannot tell you how much all this troubles me."
Father alien: "Then you will help?"
Delenn: "We Minbari have our own relationship with the lengerdemains of the Universe. Matters of the soul are very private, very personal to us. We have suffered the interference of others in this area, and are thus ourselves forbidden to intervene in matters such as this."
Mother alien: "You're refusing because of your beliefs?"
Father alien: "We thought the Minbari were the most intelligent of the races."
Mother alien: "We are only trying to save our child".
Delenn: "That is also what Dr. Franklin believes he is doing. Whose belief is correct, and how do we prove it? No. On this issue, the Minbari cannot take sides."

In the case of the Narn, G'Kar is only interested in building alliances, making allies and strengthening his people's position in the Council, and indeed in the galaxy. Interestingly, he is led in this direction anyway --- not that this is not the standpoint he would have spoken from anyway --- by the way in which the aliens approach him, commenting on the strength of the Narn and asking for their protection: asylum, of a sort. Kosh of course is not worth noting. The Vorlons could care less about the affairs of other races than they do about ants, and unless they are seen as important or connected to their plans, they may as well not be there. However, the mother's question put to Kosh is telling, as she asks him what if it were he that the doctor wanted to operate on, without his permission? This is of course exactly what happened in the pilot, albeit in different circumstances.

Londo can always be counted on to want to see the bottom line. The Centauri are all about profit and loss, and do little if anything that does not benefit them in one way or another. As the ambassador to Babylon 5, Londo tells the aliens he only has a modest budget, and like any bureaucrat must justify any expenses he incurs. His closing remarks could be taken out of the mouth of any high-priced lawyer here on Earth. And when Delenn speaks of interference from others in the spiritual matters of the Minbari, she is obviously referring to the soul hunters, who collected the souls of so many of their great leaders, preventing them reaching whatever afterlife awaits them. It is somewhat hypocritical of the mother to castigate Delenn though for using her beliefs as a reason not to help: is she not trying to do the same thing, in reverse? So as always with religion and faith, it's fine for us to do it but not for you.

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Trollheart's Note: Gaaahh! This max character limit is really starting to get on my tits! Now I have to split this post up into two, and it was only slightly outside the limit. But I can't shorten it anymore to make it fit while still retaining all the bits I want to post, so here we go again...
1.06 "Skin"

An old friend of Sam's contacts him to ask for help. Her brother has been accused of murdering his girlfriend, but she doesn't believe he's capable of such a thing. Arriving at Rebecca Warren's house (Sam knows her as Becky) they investigate and are told there is a security tape which shows Zack arriving home just after 22:00, the murder having been committed a half-hour later. Becky tells them that although the tape clearly shows Zack arriving home at 22:30, he was with her till way after midnight. The brothers believe there might be a Doppelganger --- an identical double ---- involved, which would explain the disparity and Zack's apparent ability to be two places at once.

With Sam pretending his brother is a detective, they ask to see Zack's house, and Becky admits she has the security tape --- which was made with the CCTV in a store adjacent to her brother's house --- that she took it from the lawyer's office. They all watch it and Sam and Dean notice Zack's eyes light with an eerie luminescence. There is also the matter of the next-door neighbour's dog, who, up until the murder, had been a pleasant and friendly animal but who now barks and growls at anyone who comes near. Dean realises that although the tape shows "Zack" entering the house it does not show him leaving. Meanwhile, the Doppelganger has struck again, this time attacking a woman who has been left at home while her husband goes to a meeting. Called back at the last moment by a cancelled flight, he is distraught to see his wife tied up and beaten, aghast as she shrinks from him as he frees her, pleading with him not to hurt her any more, and finally confronted by an exact double of himself, who knocks him out with a bat.

When the boys find out about this second incident, they realise they're not dealing with a Doppelganger after all, and change their hypothesis. Perhaps it's a shapeshifter, a creature able to assume any form it wants? But where is it going when it has killed? On both occasions the trail ended when the brothers tried to follow it, and Sam thinks maybe the sewers would be a viable way for the thing to get around, and an easy way to disappear once it's perpetrated its evil crimes. They go down into the sewers and find discarded skin, leading them to the conclusion that the shapeshifter may shed its skin as it changes.

They come across the thing in the sewers, and armed with the only thing that will kill a shapeshifter, a silver bullet, they go after it. It escapes though, and on the surface takes Dean's shape, trying to trick Sam into helping it. Sam is wise to it though and holds his gun trained on it, but there's a tiny smidgeon of doubt in his mind that this isn't really his brother, and he's unable to shoot the shapeshifter, allowing it to get the drop on him. The shapeshifter takes him to its lair and goes off to see if he, in Dean's form, can score with Becky. Meanwhile Sam hears Dean (the real Dean) groan and knows they've been imprisoned together. Great: two heads are better than one, and they're soon free.

In Becky's house, the shapeshifter tries to ingratiate himself with Becky, but she is suspicious. After all, prior to this she hadn't even known Dean, and it was his impersonation of a police officer that angered her so much she pulled them off the case, afraid it would damage her brother's upcoming trial. When the shapeshifter is unsuccessful at flirting with her however he goes for the direct approach, knocking her out and then tying her to a chair so he can cut her. However Sam and Dean know that the shapeshifter is likely to go for Rebecca, and phone in an anonymous tip to the police. A SWAT team is soon at the house, and the shapeshifter barely manages to escape.

However when Sam later thinks he's speaking to Rebecca, it is in fact the shapeshifter again (confusing, no?) and "she" knocks Sam out, and changes back into Dean's form, intending to kill Sam and have it blamed on his older brother. But the real Dean, who has re-entered the sewers and found the real Rebecca in the shapeshifter's lair, turns up just in time and shoots the creature in the heart with a silver bullet.

After explaining things to Rebecca as best they can, the boys leave. The murder Beck's brother was being tried for will be blamed now, unfortunately, on Dean, who the police now believe dead, as once the shapeshifter died it remained in Dean's form. Zack will be released, and Dean ruminates on how it sucks that he won't be able to be present at the burial of the shapeshifter. After all, how many people get to attend their own funeral?

MUSIC
Iron Butterfly: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"

Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Poison whiskey"

Filter: "Hey man, nice shot"

Free: "All right now"


QUESTIONS?
None really: self-contained episode, although now that Becky knows what Sam and Dean do for a living, is that likely to make her a target of their enemies?

The "WTF??!" moment
Probably right at the beginning really, when we see the killer turn to face the SWAT team and it's ... Dean! Of course, later we learn the truth, that it's the shapeshifter in Dean's form, but it's quite a shock initially.

PCRs
Just the one: Dean mentions "the Vulcan mind meld?" A reference to the ability of the Vulcan race in Star Trek to communicate telepathically and read minds.

1.07 "Hook man"

It's that old urban legend come to life: you know the one, where the boy and the girl are out dating and stop in a forest or somewhere. They hear a noise, the guy gets out, the girl hears banging on the roof of the car, turns out the guy is hanging and his feet are drumming on the roof? But this is Supernatural, and around here, urban legends always have their basis in horrific reality. So it proves with this one: a shadowy figure with a hook for an arm watches the lovers and although we don't see him attack the guy, it's pretty obvious that it's him who has strung up and killed the kid. The girl runs off.

Dean and Sam, reading about the case, think it could be an invisible creature, as the woman in the article, whose name is Lori Sorensen, says she saw nothing and no-one outside. They decide to investigate, and arrive at the campus Lori and her late boyfriend went to. When they talk to Lori and get the full story, they decide that it could be the Hook Man legend. Checking through records of arrest in the area over the last hundred or so years, they come across one of a preacher who was so incensed by the local prostitutes that he killed thirteen of them, and hung some of them upside-down from trees as a warning. His arm was also lost in an accident, and replaced by a hook. As a final confirmation, the incident took place at the same road as this murder occurred. Sounds like they have their man. Trouble is, this happened in 1862.

They go to check it out, but are arrested by the local sheriff for carrying firearms. Meanwhile Lori wakes from her slumber party to find her roommate dead, and scrawled in blood on the wall the words "Aren't you glad you didn't turn on the light?" --- this refers to when she came home and found her roommate asleep (as she thought) and went straight to bed --- along with four crosses. As Dean and Sam are released on the understanding that Sam was being hazed as a pledge, they see the police responding to a 911 and hear it's Lori again. Making their way into her house they wait till the cops are gone and find the writing on the wall, literally. They now know this is "classic Hook Man legend", but are surprised that the creature left its haunt, as it's supposed to stay where it died and just catch people along that path.

They try to find out where the preacher, Jacob Karn, was buried, but there is no grave so the chances of finding it and destroying the body are zero. There is also a strong smell of ozone in the air. Checking further into the history of crimes in the town they find there were two more clergymen arrested for the murder of prostitutes or other "undesirables", but who both claimed some "invisible force" was responsible. Murder weapon in both cases was a sharp object. So now they're beginning to suspect the reverend, Lori's father, might be inadvertently summoning the Hook Man, the spirit picking up on his repressed emotions and troubled view of society. As a man of God, Reverend Sorensen would deplore the state of the world, and be anxious to protect his daughter. This could be all the Hook Man needs to manifest.

Having no other choice but to try to find the unmarked grave, they split up and Sam goes to talk to Lori, while Dean heads to the cemetery noted in the report and is lucky enough to find one with the cross symbol that was scratched on the wall engraved into it. He begins to dig. Once he finds the corpse he sets it alight and stands back, watching it burn. Meanwhile, Lori's father takes exception to the time she is spending with Sam, and she gets annoyed at the preacher. Suddenly, the Hook Man appears and attacks her father. Lori screams and Sam pursues the creature into the house. He shoots it and it turns to dust.

The preacher is wounded but still alive. When Sam meets back up with Dean he asks him in annoyance why he didn't burn Jason Karn's corpse, but Dean says he did, and with salt too: the nightmare should be over. Then Sam wonders about the metal hook: perhaps that is the source of the Hook Man's power. They check and find that when Karn was executed his effects were all sent to St. Barnarbas' Church --- which coincidentally is the same church Lori's father preaches at, and where they both live. Reading the parish records they find the hook was melted down, but they don't know into what, so to be on the safe side they break in and destroy everything silver.

They find Lori crying in the chapel (anyone mentions that Elvis song gets a slap!) and she admits she believes herself responsible for the two deaths and one injury, that she was angry but she thinks her anger was misplaced. She believes she is the one who should be punished, and indeed at that the Hook Man comes for her. As they battle him and frantically try to work out what silver item has been missed in their purge of the church inventory, they notice a silver necklace around Lori's neck. She says it's a church heirloom, her father gave it to her. Snapping it off, Dean legs it down to the basement where he melts it, and just at the last moment the Hook Man dissolves.

MUSIC
Split Habit: "Merry go round"

Quiet Riot: "Bang your head (Metal health)"

Low Five: "Noise"

APM: "At rest"

APM: "Royal Bethlehem"

Paul Richards: "U do 2 me"

Boston: "Peace of mind"


QUESTIONS?
None really: self-contained again, as many of the first season episodes are.

PCRs
Dean compliments Sam: "Nice job, Dr. Venkman!" He's referring to Venkman, one of the characters in the movie "Ghostbusters".

Dean tells Sam: "Dude, I am Matlock." Matlock was one of those eighties terrible private-eye TV shows, this one about an attorney who solved crimes. Yeah. Matlock is seen to be beloved of the seniors in "The Simpsons"; when they are asked by the mayor what they enjoy, one of the main concensuses seems to be "Matlock!" so much so that the new expressway is named in his honour.

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Season 1: "Three million years from Earth..."

Episode 3: "Balance of power"

Holly's joke at the opening: "In the 3 million years we've been away, it is my fond hope that mankind has abolished war, cured all disease, and gotten rid of those little western saloon doors you get in trendy clothes shops."

It's Saturday night (even though they're in deep space and the planet upon whose rotation the days are based is probably now dust) and Lister wants to have some fun. Rimmer's idea of fun --- ship's inventory --- is not what he has in mind! After arguing with his dead superior, Lister heads off to the ship's disco on his spacebike, where he sits alone, remembering all the good times he used to have there with his friends. He finally decides, after remembering a conversation centreing around Kristine Kochanski, his crush, that he wants to go on a date with her. Trouble is, she's dead.

No problem. All he has to do is get Rimmer to agree to be switched off for twenty-four hours, and he can take Kochanski's personality disc, replace Rimmer's in the hologram and hey presto! The love of his life will live again. Well, for a day anyway. Only problem is, Rimmer ain't having it. He knows Lister hates him, and fears that should his bunkmate get a chance with Kochanski he'll have no reason to return Rimmer to the hologram. Which is probably true. Plus Lister doesn't know where the hologram discs are kept, and Rimmer's unlikely to tell him.

The only solution to the problem Lister can see is to somehow become Rimmer's superior. The one thing Arnold worships above all else is authority, and even if it was Lister, were he a rank higher than Rimmer the hologram would have to obey him. So Lister decides to study and take the officers' exam, in order to become Rimmer's superior. Laughing at such a notion, Rimmer says he's not worried, as he knows the extent of Lister's dedication to study. Nevertheless he keeps a close eye on him.

He soon has other things to concern himself about though, when he wakes and finds that "somehow" his hologram disc has become corrupted, and one of his arms has been replaced with that of Olaf Petersen, one of Lister's laddish mates. The arm seems to have a life of its own, and attacks him. After being poked and punched by it, he apologises to Holly --- whom he had insulted earlier, thus leading to the "corruption" of the disc and the wayward arm --- and his own arm is reinitialised. Still smarting both physically and emotionally, he goes to see what Lister is up to.

Finding him in the teaching room, he ridicules Lister's preparedness and his lack of knowledge, until he realises that Dave is not sitting the flight navigation exam, but the chef's. Disbelievingly, he asks Lister does he really want to be a chef, which Lister admits he does not: he just wants to outrank Rimmer so he can get the disc he wants. In a final attempt to stop Lister taking --- and god forbid, passing! --- the exam, Rimmer gets Kochanski's disc and has Holly swap it with his, then goes to Lister telling him "she" never loved him, and so all his preparation and studying is for nothing, so he might as well give up. But Lister is suspicious, and sees through Rimmer's plan.

Rimmer needn't have worried though, because true to form, Lister couldn't pass an exam if he was given all the answers beforehand. But he pretends he does, just to get up Rimmer's nose.

Best lines/quotes/scenes

There's a lot in this episode that became cult quotable Red Dwarf but does not really relate directly to the episode. Here are some of the best ones.

Rimmer, in the exam room: "And Lister, what's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names. I want places. I want dates."
Lister: "Arnold Rimmer. His locker. This morning."

Arnie is attacked by Petersen's hologrammatic arm:
Rimmer: "And when are you going to give me my own arm back? I refuse to walk around all day with Petersen's arm. You know what he was like. God only knows where this arm's been!"

The arm suddenly slaps him in the face.

Rimmer: "Ahh! What's he doing?"
Holly: "Beats me, Arnie. Seems to have a mind of its own."

The arm sticks out two fingers and goes for Rimmer's eyes. He grabs it with his other hand and tries to stop it.

Rimmer: "Tell him to stop it!"
Cat: "What is this? Cabaret? Entertainment while you eat?"
Rimmer: "No, no, no!"
Cat: "Hey, can you place bets? My bet is on this arm! (pointing at Petersen's.)

The arm finally succeeds in jabbing Rimmer in the eyes.

Rimmer: "Aagh!" A bit late, he finally thinks of putting his hand over his eyes. The other arm continues trying to jab at them. "Holly, you're absolutely gorgeous and handsome and delicious, please tell him to stop it!"
Holly: "All right. Just give me a couple of seconds."

Petersen's arm gives up jabbing at Rimmer's other hand, trying to reach his eyes.

Rimmer: "Ah, look at that. I've outwitted him. He's given up. Look, he's given up."

The hand suddenly jabs Rimmer in the balls.

Rimmer: "OOOOOO!!!"
He doubles up in pain, and the arm takes the opportunity to punch him in the head.

Holly: "There. Done it. Just in time."
Cat: "Hey! That was good! You should have finished on a song, it would have been perfect!"
Rimmer: (Still doubled up on the floor) "I hate everything."

Rimmer has shown the Cat how to get his own meals from the dispenser, in return for giving him back Lister's cigarette stash, which the feisty feline had found earlier. He is sitting at one of the consoles, eating. He finishes the meal and goes over to the food dispenser for another.

CAT: "Mmm-mmm!"
DISPENSING MACHINE: "Hello. How can I help you?"
CAT: "Fish!"
DISPENSING MACHINE: "Today's fish is trout a la creme." (Produces a dish.)
"Enjoy your meal."
CAT: "Fish!"
DISPENSING MACHINE: "Today's fish is trout a la creme." (Produces a dish.)
"Enjoy your meal."
CAT: "Fish!"
DISPENSING MACHINE: "Today's fish is trout a la creme." (Produces a dish.)
"Enjoy your meal."
CAT: "Fish!"
DISPENSING MACHINE: "Today's fish is trout a la creme." (Produces a dish.)
"Enjoy your meal."
CAT: "Fish!"
DISPENSING MACHINE: "Today's fish is trout a la creme." (Produces a dish.)
"Enjoy your meal."
CAT: "Fish!"
DISPENSING MACHINE: "Today's fish is trout a la creme." (Produces a dish.)
"Enjoy your meal."
CAT: "I will!"

Rimmer wakes up late, leaps out of bed, and begins some jumping jacks. "Lister! Rise and shine, el slobbo! Come on, I've been awake for hours, Lister! Up, up, up! Come on! Exercise, Lister! Exercise, sonny boy!"
He finally notices that Lister's bunk is empty and looks at the clock.
"Quarter to two? I didn't set my motivator! I was supposed to be up at seven! Why didn't he wake me? He knows I'm a heavy sleeper. Have I got to remind him to do everything for me? He's so irresponsible!"

A "Black Card" situation...
Lister: "Look, what is it, man? Don't you trust me?"
Rimmer: (Mimes holding up an imaginary card) "Black card, Lister. I'm holding up a black card. Conversation over."
Lister: "I've always been crazy about her. I never did anything about it."
Rimmer: "Oh, Lister, you've forgotten the colour code. White. The white card is to continue the discussion, but this is a black card situation. Discussion over."
Lister: "Listen..."
Rimmer (singing): "Da da da, black card, black card, black card, da da da, black card..."
Lister: "I was talking about something else!"
Rimmer: "White card. Go on."
Lister: "Right, for a start, I want to stop all this black card and white card smeg, it's driving me crazy!"
Rimmer: "Black card!"

Rimmer: "I think I've gone video-blind. Is that painting yours? It's rubbish!"
Lister: "It's a mirror."

Lister is listening to his favourite, Rastabilly Skank. Rimmer is not impressed.
Rimmer: "Why don't you listen to something really classical, like Mozart, Mendelssohn, or Motorhead?"

The Cat checks his look:
" Aaaoooww! Ooh, babe! Hey Yeah! Jump back! Come back! Hep!" (Stops) "How'm I looking?" (Pulling out a little mirror) "I'm looking nice. My hair is nice. My face is nice. My suit is nice. I'm looking really nice! Aaaooowww! Jump back! Hoo! Ack! Hey!" (Stops again) "I wonder how I'm looking now?" (Pulling out the mirror) "Still looking nice. My hair's still nice. My face is still nice. My suit -- I'm just nice, period. Aaaoooww! Jump back! Get down! Hoo!"

At the disco, in the past...
Rimmer: "Ha ha ha. Lister, where's my revision timetable?"
Chen: "Sure, it's Saturday night!"
Lister: "Come on, no one works Saturday night!"
Rimmer: "You don't work any night. You don't work any day!
Lister: "Skive hard, play hard! That's our motto!"
Rimmer: "Look, I've got my engineering re-sit on Monday. I don't know anything. Where's my revision timetable?"
Lister: "Wait, is this the thing in all different colours, with all the subjects divided into study periods and rest periods and self testing time?"
Rimmer: "It took me seven weeks to make it. I've got to cram my whole revision into one night."
Lister: "Hang on, is this the thing with the note on it in red which said, "Vital. Valuable. Urgent. Do not touch on pain of death?"
Rimmer: "Yes!"
Lister: "I threw it away."

And prior to that, Rimmer's less-than-graceful entry into the disco (you really have to see this one...)
Rimmer: "Excuse me, please. Could you please excuse me? Some of us have more important things to do than wiggle our posteriors. Could you move please? Please? Thank you. Could you move? Excuse me, please. Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Excuse me!"

He runs into Kochanski, who drops her purse. Rimmer picks it up and
throws it away.

Rimmer: "If you want to dance, do it over there!"(Calling in the direction he threw the purse) "Sorry!"

Holly explains to Lister how he worked out who to bring back to keep him sane:
Lister: "Holly, why Rimmer's hologram? Why did you have to bring Rimmer's hologram back? He was the most unpopular man on board this ship. I mean, he even had to organise his own surprise birthday parties!"
Holly: "And who should I have brought back, then?"
Lister: "Anyone! Chen. Petersen. I mean, Hermann Goerring would have been more of a laugh than Rimmer! I mean, OK, he was a drug-crazed transvestite, but at least we could have gone dancing!"
Holly: "I brought Rimmer back because he's the best person to keep you sane.
Lister: "Oh, crap!"

(A panel on the wall swings around to reveal a toilet. A sign over the
toilet reads, "NOW IRRADIATE YOUR HANDS.")

Lister "Not you!"
Toilet: "I do apologise, I wasn't paying attention. See you later!"
Lister: "What about Kristine Kochanski? You could have brought Kristine back."
Holly: "In your entire life, your shared conversations with her totalled 173 words."
Lister: "So?"
Holly: "In terms of wordage, you actually had a better relationship with your rubber plant."
Lister: "I know, but Rimmer?!"
Holly: "He's the person you knew best. Over 14 million words in all."
Lister: "Holly, 7 million of those were me telling him to smeg off, and the other 7 million were him putting me on report for telling him to smeg off!"
Holly: "Jean Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends."
Lister: "Holly, all his mates were French."

And finally... four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis!

Rimmer is standing, Lister sitting with his feet up on a console. He's
checking things off on a clipboard as Rimmer lists them.

Rimmer: "140,000 rehydratable chickens."
Lister: (Extremely bored) "Check."
Rimmer: "72 tons of reconstituted sausage pate."
Lister: "Check."
Rimmer: "4,691 irradiated haggis."
Lister: "Oh, Rimmer, it's Saturday night! I've had enough."
Rimmer: "4,691 irradiated haggis."
Lister: "Rimmer, it's Saturday night! I want to boogie on down!"
Rimmer: "4,691 irradiated haggis."
Lister: "We've been doing this for four hours! Let's have a break!"
Rimmer: "4,691 irradiated hag-g-gis."
Lister: "Rimmer, will you stop saying 4,981 irradiated haggis and speak to
me!"
Rimmer: "4,691 irradiated haggis."
Lister: (Beginning to lose his temper) "Rimmer, I want to go for a
drink!"
Rimmer: "4,691 irradiated haggis!"
Lister: "I want to have some fun!"
Rimmer: "This is fun! Are you mad?"
Lister: "You read something out. I say check. Where's the fun?"
Rimmer: "All right. We'll put you in command for a few seconds, Capitaine. (Salutes.) What's the plan, sir? Come on, lickety split!"
Lister: "Go back to Earth."
Rimmer: "And in the meantime?"
Lister: "I don't know, generally slob around, have a few laughs."
Rimmer: "Excellent plan, Lister! Excellent plan! Brilliant plan! There was me thinking you hadn't thought about it, when clearly you have. Right, I'll just stand over here and laugh slobbily, shall I?"
Lister: "Rimmer, I'm going for a drink."

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Season One: "Signs and portents" (Part three)
Yeah it's definitely me: writing too much on each episode, so much so that when I tried to upload the next TWO episodes in the one post, I had already overrun the max character allowance. Dammit! So this is part three, in two parts, as it were, cos I don't want to just put up the one episode and besides, there's one here that's really crucial to the storyline...

1.7 "The war prayer"

Prejudice and hatred rear their ugly heads as a wave of attacks on Earth and Mars spreads to Babylon 5, where a Minbari poet, and friend of Delenn, is attacked and branded with a symbol recognised as that of Home Guard, a violent, militant pro-Earth group who are growing in power. Sinclair sets about rooting out their henchmen on the station. Meanwhile, an old associate of Ivanova's arrives onboard, and when it turns out that it is in fact he who is orchestrating the attacks --- of which more follow the one on Delenn's friend --- he decides the best way to combat them is to pretend to be interested in joining them. A man of his authority and power, a respected and dedicated officer who fought on the Battle of the Line and is known to have no special love for aliens, should easily convince the hatemongers that he is a recruit worth targeting.

The subplot concerns Londo and Vir, and two young Centauri who have run away from their arranged marriages to other people, in order to be together. It's an old story, and Londo is unimpressed by the two young lovers' disregard for centuries of tradition. Vir, however, who is related to the male Centuari, thinks tradition is overrated and love should be given a chance. Through the intercession of the Minbari poet, Londo eventually agrees, after the two have been attacked by the Home Guard, to allow the two lovers to be taken into a period of fosterage, by his second cousin, which not only will greatly enhance their two families' standing in the Republic, but is an old but seldom-practiced custom, and will appeal to the traditionalist values of both the parents of the young Centauri.

Sinclair is almost pushed into a corner, meanwhile, when he goes to meet with Biggs, the leader of the Home Guard presence on B5, and is ordered to prove his allegiance by killing an alien. He demurs, and luckily the cavalry arrive in the shape of Garibaldi and his security force. Biggs and his men are arrested and deported from the station. Sinclair and his security chief however realise this is not something that will go away, and with anti-alien resentment being stirred up and driven by hate groups on Earth and elsewhere, things will only escalate and get a lot worse before they get better.

Important Plot Arc Points
Home Guard
Arc Level: Orange
Though essentially a neo-fascist organisation that uses distrust and dissatisfaction with the alien influx to Earth and its presence on Babylon 5, Home Guard will later be seen as "small potatoes", the springboard for a much larger, planetwide and well-funded and backed organisation that will take Earth into shadowy, dark places and bring a curtain of fear, suspicion and paranoia down over the home planet not seen since George Orwell's totalitarian society in "Nineteen eighty-four". The presence of Home Guard on Babylon 5 will also impact personally on Garibaldi. Literally.

The Centauri Republic
Arc Level: Orange
Here again we are allowed a peek into the workings of Centauri society, and we see they are a duty-bound, honourable people who cling to their traditions and their beliefs almost doggedly, desperate to retain something from their old glory days, and not fade away entirely. Someone once said "Our past defines us", and it is certainly true for the Centauri Republic. More about them will of course emerge as we progress. It's also interesting to see that Londo, though he puts up the front of a jaded, disinterested bureaucrat and seems to have no time for the "childish" notion of young love, is at heart an old romantic. Perhaps this is a carryover from his recent affair in "Born to the purple". If so, sad to say, events will soon conspire to disabuse him of this somewhat optimistic view of the world.

G'Kar
Arc Level: Red
Here we see too the bad side of G'Kar, whereas in the previous episode his beneficent side was on show, as he rescued Catherine Sakai and spoke philosophy about the universe. Here, he is a rabble-rouser, a stirrer-up of trouble, determined that the humans will not hurt his people and prepared to defend them by any means to hand. Even though, however, he takes this militant stance, it is perhaps in his character that he, as highest-ranking member of his people on the station, and charged therefore with their safety, takes this responsibilty very seriously. This love of his people and his leadership qualities will come more to the surface in later seasons, and we will see deeper into Ambassador G'Kar, peer past the mask of nationalism and pride, and hidden depths to this man will be revealed.

Best quotes:
The best lines in this episode, rather surprisingly, don't come from the main plot but from the backstory, although it is perhaps no surprise that they come from Londo Mollari. They also help to give us more of an insight into who he is as a person, and what his outlook on life is.

"Sometimes," says Londo, "these marriages call for sacrifice [he looks at the pictures of his own wives on his desk]. Great sacrifice. But we make this sacrifice because this is what it means to be Centauri!"

"Love, pah! Overrated!" Londo cries out. "[He points to the pictures of his wives.] These are my three wives - pestilence, famine, and death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter worlds! Arranged marriages, every one. But they worked out; they inspired me. Knowing that they are waiting at home for me is what keeps me here, 75 light-years away!"

"'My shoes are too tight,'" says Londo, sadly. "Something my father said. He was old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said, 'My shoes are too tight, but it doesn't matter, because I have forgotten how to dance.' I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance."

and following on from that...

When asked by the Centauri couple why he helped them, he responds happily "Because you are still children, and children should be allowed to dance."

Elsewhere, Garibaldi muses on why Home Guard are becoming so powerful back on Earth: ""The problem is, there are many who agree with them, and even more who just don't give a damn."

Sinclair, when trying to project himself as a candidate for recruitment to Home Guard, tells Malcolm Biggs of his feelings about the Battle of the Line: "The Minbari let us win. You know what that victory tasted like? Ashes."

Although he is using this as a means to an end, playing a part, it can't be denied that part of the commander does, or did, indeed feel that way, and even now he still retains a desire to know why the Minbari surrendered. It is this refusal to just accept it as one of life's never-to-be-solved mysteries that is crucial to the plot, and will lead him to his destiny. So there is some truth in what he says, and the question bothers him constantly, occupying every waking moment, as we'll see from the next episode, which is a crucial one, and one of the first real arc-centric ones.

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Nine months down the line: An update

While going through my journal and replacing all the images that may have harmful code attached (see my thread in "Announcements" re malware) I noticed that I had written a list of shows I intended to feature here in upcoming months. That was in January (seems so far away now!) and now we're in October, so here's an update on what has been, and has still to be, tackled here.

Key:
Green = Already in progress
Orange = In the pipeline for the immediate future
Red = Not yet planned but definitely intended and under consideration
Black = Decided against
Purple = Added to since the list was originally written

Spooks (UK) --- Drama series concerning MI5, the British Secret Service. One of the most outstanding and inventive spy series ever, with some amazing scenarios and the clear intention of leaving no character safe from being killed off, no matter their popularity or status. Makes "24" look like "Baywatch" at times! 10 full seasons, now finished. Main star: Peter Firth as Sir Harry Pearce.

Farscape (Australia) --- Science-fiction series about an American astronaut who is hurled off course and into a distant part of the galaxy, where he must fight to survive, making alliances and enemies and trying to discover a way home. Features the characters from Jim Henson's Creature Shop, and written by sci-fi legend Rockne S. O'Bannon. 4 full seasons, plus one TV movie to wrap everything up nicely. Completed now. Main star: Ben Browder as John Crichton.

Love/Hate (Ireland) --- Yeah, Ireland! We're proving we can produce some pretty fine drama, none better than this gritty, realistic look at the criminal underworld in Dublin. Not quite the Sopranos, but it's a tough, harrowing drama following the fortunes of a local gang who believe most if not all disputes are handled at the barrel of a gun. Three seasons and counting, last one to date just finished a month ago. Main star: Robert Sheehan as Darren Treacy, who you may know from "Misfits".

Futurama (USA) --- What's not to like? Hilarious animated show from the creator of the Simpsons, set in the thirtieth century, but proving that people don't get any brighter in a thousand years. Great characters including Bender the alcoholic robot, Leela the one-eyed alien and Fry the delivery boy from the 21st century. Seven seasons, despite cancellation after the fifth, and still going strong. Main star: Billy West as Fry.

Sleeper Cell (USA) --- Another show that gave "24" a run for its money, but got little or no press or recognition, Sleeper Cell was a much more pragmatic approach to the idea of terrorist cells in America, with a CIA operative going deep undercover to try to infiltrate one such cell. It was gritty and uncompromising, and didn't feature a countdown clock. Only ran for two seasons, with the last one more than likely to have ended any possibility of future seasons, though there's always hope. Main star: Michael Ealy as Darwyn Al-Sayeed.

The Onedin Line (UK) --- Period drama from the BBC, set in Liverpool in the nineteenth century and chronicling the exploits of the titular James Onedin, from simple sea captain to shipping magnate, against the bustling backdrop of sea trade during the 1860s. A family drama and an action drama, and my all-time favourite show. Ever. Eight seasons, which ran during the 1970s and early 80s. Main star: Peter Gilmore as James Onedin.

The House of Cards trilogy (UK) --- Based on the hugely successful novels of Michael Dobbs, this three-programme series takes a look into the darker corners of the corridors of power, where we see a humble minister in the English government rise to become Prime Minister, and the lengths he will go to in order to keep his hold on power, and prevent his awful past from being revealed to the public. In three parts, as I say, titled in order "House of cards", "To play the king" and "The final cut", this is perhaps one of the most incisive and biting political dramas you are likely to see. Politics laid bare, greed, corruption, murder and powerplays; all the great elements of a Shakespearian tragedy, without the boring archaic English references. Main star: Sir Ian Richardson (RIP) as Francis Urquhart.

Robin of Sherwood (UK) --- The tale of the archer from the Greenwood has been told many times, often badly, sometimes well, but nobody ever got it as spot-on as HTV's "Robin of Sherwood". Mixing pagan magic, legend and historical fiction with just the right amount of drama and a touch of humour, this show still stands as the yardstick against which all future shows regarding Robin Hood would be measured, most if not all falling far short. With a mesmerising soundtrack by Irish band Clannad, the celtic influence in Robin of Sherwood can't be overstated. Three seasons in total. Main star: Micheal Praed (and later, Jason Connery) as Robin.

Brimstone (USA) --- So you think "Reaper" is original, do you? Well, a decade before that was even on the drawing board, "Brimstone" was running, with its premise of returning a cop who has died and gone to Hell, in order to capture a bunch of souls who have escaped too, and return them to the Pit. Should he succeed, he will be brought back to life. The series only ran for one season before being cancelled, a fact that has always stuck in my throat, as I consider it one of the best series ever made. Main star: Peter Horton as Ezekiel Stone, though really it's John Glover as the Devil who steals the show.

Lilyhammer (Norway) --- Whoever had the inspired idea of taking a Mafia criminal from the US and transplanting him to a little town in Norway deserves a reward, because the whole fish-out-of-water series is hilarous, endearing, enthralling and engaging as Frank "The Fixer" Tagliano becomes Giovanni "Johnny" Henriksen, and tries to settle down in Lillehammer, but soon starts shaping life in the sleepy town to the sort of thing he's used to, running into trouble with the local law and becoming once again a big fish in a very small pond. Only the one season so far, but another is promised. Main star: Steve Van Zandt as Frank/Johnny (Yeah, that one!)

Game of Thrones (USA) --- Do I need to talk about this? George RR Martin's book cycle, "A song of ice and fire" comes to the TV screen with graphic sex and violence, a warts-and-all series that pulls no punches in any way, and was probably, when it was screened at the time, the best thing on telly anywhere. Find anyone --- even someone not into fantasy --- who hasn't seen it, and I'll send you a million Euro. Okay then, one Euro. Seriously, I'm sure everyone watched this. Two seasons to date as we wait for the third to start in a few months time. Main star: Sean Bean as Neddard "Ned" Stark.

True Blood (USA) --- Vampires in the deep south! Based on the novels of Charlaine Harris, this series follows the adventures of a vampire and his lover in the sleepy litlte town of Bon Temps, Louisiana, as each learns the other's secrets and evils both small and apocalyptic threaten their home town. Graphic and violent with a ton of sex, it's another one that most people have probably seen. Now moving into its sixth season. Main star: Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse.

The New Statesman (UK) --- Comedy legend Rik Mayall puts on a straight face and yet manages to pull of some of his funniest moves in a series lampooning the Conservative Party and politics. Mayall is Alan Beresford B'Stard, a right-wing Tory politician who will stop at nothing to get his way. Money is what he craves, and women. And power. His machinations are just breathtakingly satirical, and he plays the part with a machivellian delight you would have thought not to see from the man who brought us such characters as Ritchie Rich and Rick from the Young Ones. Four seasons, with two special extra episodes. Main star: Rik Mayall as Alan Beresford B'Stard, MP.

Rome (UK/USA)--- Brutal retelling of the time of gladiators and senators, emperors and wars, as two ex-gladiators try to make their way through their tough lives while getting tangled up in historical events. The show was noted for not only its explicit violence (probably a precursor to the likes of "Spartacus" series) but also for the fact that its main characters were all loosely based on real figures of ancient antiquity. Rome ran for two seasons only. Main star(s): Kevin McKidd as Lucius Vorenus and Ray Stevenson as Titus Pullo.

Blood Ties (Canada) --- Another vampire series, this follows something that would become a bit of a trend and had already started with another Canadian series, "Forever knight", in that it features a vampire who assists the main character in her police work. It only ran for the two seasons, was pretty much blasted by the critics, and yet they loved the vastly inferior and quite similar "Moonlight"? Main star: Christina Cox as Victoria "Vicki" Nelson.

Life on Mars/Ashes to ashes (UK) --- One of the most inventive and interesting shows of the period, "Life on Mars" follows present-day cop Sam Tyler as he is somehow sent back in time to the seventies, where not only does he have to deal with "old" cop behaviour, but he must also ascertain if this is all a dream, and if so, how he can wake up? The followup series, "Ashes to ashes", did not feature Sam but concentrated on his workmates back in the 1970s, concentrating on his old boss. "Life on Mars" ran for two seasons, "Ashes to ashes" for three. Main star: (LoM) John Simm as Sam Tyler (A2A) Phil Glenister as Gene Hunt.

Spaced (UK) --- One of the few times when I will break my rule about comedy shows (yes, I know I said "The New Statesman" and "Futurama" are already being featured, but that's different!), I had to include one of the cleverest and seminal comedies of the very late nineties, with more pop culture references than you can throw a sealed, boxed collector's edition figurine of Boba Fett at, Spaced was the creation of then-unknown but now iconic cult star Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevens, both of whom also starred in it. It ran for two seasons.

La Femme Nikita (Canada) --- Not the current "Nikita", which is a remake/follow-on, this is the original series, based on the film, which ran up until 2001 and features Nikita, a vagabond who lives on the street and is involved in a murder, after which she finds herself in an odd organisation called Section, who train her to be an assassin and fighter, and for whom she carries out covert operations. Ran for five seasons. Main star: Peta Wilson as Nikita.

Homeland (USA) --- Based on the Israeli series "Prisoner of war", Homeland tells the tale of a soldier who is discovered alive, having been held in captivity in hostile territory by Al Qaeda, and who is feted as a war hero on his return home. But the soldier has been turned, and is working for the enemy. Only one person suspects the truth, and she is shrugged off by her superiors as she is known to have a history of mental problems. Homeland just won the Emmy for best drama a few days ago, and is currently finished its second season, with a third in the pipeline. Stars: Damian Lewis as Nicholas Brody.

Ultraviolet (UK) --- Never has the subject of vampires been treated more clinically on TV. Never called vampires, but rather "Code Fives", they are hunted by a special squad of crack police formed to pursue vampires. However, one of the men on the team has, unbeknownst to all but his best friend, become a vampire himself... Ran for just the one season but was highly acclaimed. Main star: Jack Davenport as Detective Sgt Micheal Colefield.

24 (USA) --- Again, everyone is likely to know, or know of this series, which star Kiefer Sutherland and really restarted his career as the hard-as-nails Counter Terrorist Jack Bauer, who each season has to face a threat to America's security in a desperate race against the clock. 24 was innovative in its use of (apparently) real-time events, so that each episode was one hour in the twenty-four hours Bauer has to save the world, and the clock would regularly tick down onscreen as time began to run out. Series ran for eight seasons.

The booth at the end (Canada) --- An incredibly inventive and thoughtful series, which features "the man", who sits in, you guessed it, the booth at the end of a cafe. If you have a problem, go to him and he will ask you to do something, whereafter your problem will cease. But beware: he will not give you an alternative, you must do what he asks if you want your wish to come true. For some clients, it's as simple as a phone call. Others may have to build a bomb and set it off in a public place. According to him, even he doesn't know what the request is going to be, but it's not negotiable. Two seasons so far. Main star: Xander Berkeley as "The Man".

Hustle (UK) --- Welcome to the world of the con. These guys can make you part with your cash, no matter how hard it may seem. A team of grifters who don't know the meaning of the word "impossible", Hustle is a sassy, hip series that shows up the innate greed of humanity and how easy it is to use that greed to separate people from their possessions. Ran for eight seasons. Main star: Adrian Lester as Micky Bricks/Michael Stone.

Taken (USA) --- Nothing to do with the action movie starring Liam Neeson (or indeed, the second action movie, also starring Liam Neeson!) this is Steven Spielberg's sprawling drama chronicling the lives of three familes, who are all influenced one way or another by the arrival of aliens. The series runs over generations, and is in fact a miniseries, therefore just the one season. Main star: Joel Gretsch as Owen Crawford.

Hell on wheels (USA) --- Telling the story of the building of the railroad across America, and the people who were involved in it, Hell on wheels is set in the 1860s and features such themes as racial segregation, anti-Indian sentiment, greed, power and betrayal. Two seasons so far, with a third due. Main star: Anson Mount as Cullen Bohannon.

Tripping the rift (Canada) --- A gloriously irreverent, sexy and totally politically incorrect space comedy animation, Tripping the rift began life as two short internet cartoons and soon grew to a whole series. The show is based loosely around sci-fi precepts but just refuses to take itself seriously and is probably the most fun you can have while still dressed or sobre. Ran for three seasons. Main star: Stephen Root as Chode McBlob.

Forever Knight (Canada) --- Already mentioned, this follows the exploits of vampire Nicholas Knight, who in regret for his life of murder and mayhem as one of the undead seeks to atone by working for the police. He also hopes to become human again. The series ran for three seasons, and was one of the better vampire/cop crossover shows. Main star: Geraint Wyn Davies as Nicholas Knight.

Poltergeist: the Legacy (Canada) --- Nothing really to do with the horror movies of the same name, Poltergeist: the Legacy concerns the activities of a shadowy group called the Legacy, who battle supernatural evil in all its forms. Intensely mature for its time, with a very dark subtext, it's one of the best shows you've never seen. Ran for four seasons, despite being initially cancelled after the third. Main star: Derek de Lint as Derek Rayne.

Boardwalk Empire (USA) --- The prohibition era comes to life in the latest gangster show to hit the TV screens. Set in Atlantic City in the 1930s, the show follows the life of mobster Enoch "Nucky" Thompson and his cohorts as they run illegal alcohol into the city during "the dry years", using every method at their disposal to thwart the authorities as well as their rivals. Tough and violent with a soundtrack endemic to the time, it's currently in its third season and to be renewed for a fourth. Main star: Steve Buscemi as Nucky Thompson.

Sons of Anarchy (USA) --- Called "The Sopranos on motorcycles", it's far better than that comparison. The inhabitants of Charming, California are "protected" by the local Hell's Angels chapter, the SAMCRO, or Sons of Anarchy, who run everything from guns, drugs, prostitution and booze to keep their profit margins fat. There are however divisions among the club, with the younger generation wondering if the time has not come to have a go at being more legit? Currently in its fourth season, and already renewed for a fifth and sixth, with the real possibility of a seventh and final being commissioned. Main star: Charlie Hunnam as Jackson "Jax" Teller.

Burn Notice (USA) --- One of the funniest, smartest and slickest drama shows ever to hit the screens, Burn Notice takes us inside the world of the spy, as a disgraced agent tries to supplement his income by taking on freelance jobs while also trying to find out who "burned" him, that is, blacklisted him with the CIA. In its sixth season, with a seventh due. Main star: Jeffrey Donovan as Michael Westen.

Les Revenants (The Returned) (France) --- In a quiet small French village, a young girl who was killed in a bus crash four years ago arrives back in her hometown, and soon, other dead people begin walking the streets too.. One season so far, with another due in 2014.

Mayday (UK) --- A murder/mystery with a difference, set in a quiet rural English town. When the Queen of the May is brutally killed every male in town seems to have something to hide. But who is the killer? Self-contained, one season.

The West Wing (USA) --- Multi-Emmy winning series set in the White House, chronicling the events that shape the lives of those who serve the President of the USA. Martin Sheen stars. Seven seasons in all.

Frasier (USA) --- One of the cleverest comedies ever to hit US TV, teh spinoff from "Cheers" sees psychiatrist Frasier Crane head for a new life in Seattle, but much of the baggage he left behind is about to catch up on him...Eleven seasons total.

The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy (UK) --- Cult Sci-fi comedy series, perhaps the first to ever look at science-fiction in a, well, seriously funny way. Just the one season.

The Apprentice (Various) --- Reality show in which budding entrepreneurs get a chance to work for Donald Trump (US version), Lord Sugar (UK version) or Bill Cullen (Irish version), performing various tasks each week until all but one are eliminated and that one is chosen as the winner. Various, still on the go. UK version now ten seasons, US version thirteen, Irish four.

Romanzo criminale (Italy) --- Italy's answer to "The Sopranos". The tale of a young man who rises to become a crime godfather, the things he does to get and maintain power, and his eventual fall from grace. Two seasons.

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1.8 "A big piece of garbage"

(Tagline: "Mr. Bender's wardobe by Robotany 500")

It's the annual awards ceremony at the Academy of Inventors, and Professor Farnsworth believes his invention this year is unbeatable. However, when he realises that due to galloping senility he is about to present the same invention this year as last, he has to make a sudden change on the fly, and ends up embarrassing and humiliating himself in front of the august assemblage. What's even worse is that his arch-enemy, Doctor Wurnstrum, wins with his invention. But Farnsworth is determined to plough ahead with the invention that was a mere scribbled blueprint at the awards, something he calls a smelloscope, which will allow distant odours to be picked up --- why? Then he remembers he already built one!

It's while using this that they discover a stench that is off the charts, and with some research they realise that a massive ball of garbage from the twentieth century that was fired off into space has come back around and is heading for Earth, with what will be disastrous consequences! But when they try to warn the mayor about the impending disaster, it turns out he has hired Wurnstrum as his scientific advisor. Loath to turn down a chance to make his nemesis look bad, Wurnstrum plays down the danger, saying it could be a fault with the smelloscope, but when a report comes in from Neptune that the big ball of garbage has passed close by their monitoring station, there can be no doubt and action must be taken.

Shooting a missile at it won't work as the density of the ball would just allow the rocket to pass right through it, so Farnsworth suggests placing an explosive device upon it, and guess who gets the job? Unfortunately, the professor's senility has again been at work, and where he thought they had twenty-five minutes to get off the garbage ball before it blew, the counter has been put on upside down and they have just over fifty seconds! With no other choice, Bender has to hurl the bomb into space, and they're safe, but now with no way to stop the stinking ball. Farnsworth though comes up with an idea: if they can build a similar ball maybe they can launch it against this one, the one knocking the other out of its path and thereby causing it to miss Earth. It's a stupid plan, but it might just work ... if they can think of something to make the second ball out of.

"Uh," suggests Fry, "how about garbage?" And so the people of New New York have to learn from a twentieth century wastrel how to make garbage all over again. The ball is built, the rocket is fired and knocks the other one into the sun. Leela expresses concern over where the second ball may end up, but nobody cares. As Fry says, it's none of their concern: that's the twentieth century way!



QUOTES
Wurnstrum: "It's time to leave science to the hundred twenty-year olds!"
Farnsworth: "You young turks think you know everything! I was inventing things while you were just barely turning senile!"

Fry: "As long as you don't make me smell Uranus!"
Leela: "I don't get it?"
Farnsworth: "I'm sorry Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all."
Fry: "What's it called now?"
Farnsworth: "Urectum!"

Voiceover: "The repulsive barge circled the oceans for fifty years but no country would allow it to land. Not even that really filthy one. You know the one I mean!"

Fry: "Hey! You have no right to criticise the twentieth century! We gave the world the light bulb, the steam press and the cotton jenny!"
Leela: "All of those things are from the nineteenth century."
Fry: "Yeah, well, they probably just copied us."

Morbo: "Puny Earthlings were today shocked to learn that a giant ball of garbage will soon destroy their pathetic city of New New York."
Human Female: "Makes me glad we live in Los Angeles, Morbo!"
Morbo: "Morbo agrees!"

Mayor: "It's time to put a real scientist in charge! Doctor Wurnstrum, can you save my city?"
Wurnstrum: "Of course. But it'll cost you."
Mayor: "Anything."
Wurnstrum: "All right then, first I want tenure."
Mayor: "Done."
Wurnstrum: "And a big research grant."
Mayor: "You got it."
Wurnstrum: "Also access to a lab, and three graduate students, at least three of them Chinese."
Mayor: "Err... done. Now what's your plan?"
Wurnstrum: "What plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir, suckers!"
Leela: "That rat! Do something!"
Mayor: "I wish I could but he's got tenure!"

Mayor: "Garbage isn't something you just find lying in the streets of Manhattan!"

Morbo: "Ha ha! Kittens give Morbo gas. In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human Professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain!"

PCRs
The plaque outside City Hall is all one word, and with an "i" used instead of a "y", making it look like the Citibank logo: CitiHall

Farnsworth suggests placing a bomb on the garbage ball between a mass of coffee grounds and a deposit of America Online floppy discs!

On the way to the ship Bender, Fry and Leela do the "The Right Stuff" walk.

SIMPSONS REFERENCES
The guys find a bunch of Bart Simpson dolls on the garbage ball. Bender picks one up, it says "Eat my shorts!" in Bart's voice. Bender obliges. Fry thinks they're cool --- he would! --- but Leela tells him this stuff was garbage before it was sent out into space, and it's garbage now.

SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Pete's TVs: "Letting people watch news reports in our window since 1951!"

NEW CHARACTER!

Soon to become the Kent Brockmann of Futurama, Morbo is a hueg green alien with a head like a gigantic fly and a gruff voice that always sounds angry. He is an anchor for the news channel on TV.

Doctor Wurnstrum is also introduced here, but he's only in it once or twice more, hardly worth noting really.

1.09 "Hell is other robots"

(Tagline: none. And no intro reel either...)

Attending a Beastie Boys concert (yeah, they're Heads!) Fry is delighted when Bender introduces him to one of his friends who works on the road crew and can get them backstage. The robo-roadie later ducks out with Bender to take him to "the real party", which turns out to be a "jacking-on" den, where robots plug live wires into their sockets to get "a jolt", presumably similar to us humans doing drugs. Problem is, Bender has never done this before and becomes totally addicted to the point where it takes over his life, and his friends begin to worry about him. His addiction is confirmed when he puts the crew's life in danger by steering the ship INTO an electrical storm Leela was trying to avoid.

In an attempt to cure himself Bender turns to religion and enters the Temple of Robotology, where he gets completely caught up in his new belief, making him even harder to live with, but at least he's not Using anymore. However his religion soon begins to bug them as much as his electrical abuse did, and they decide to try to "reacquaint him with a little thing called sleaze". It doesn't take too much persuading to get the old Bender back, and all seems well. Except for one thing. When Bender was baptised he did so on the express understanding that if he sinned he would go straight to Robot Hell. Robotology is not abstract though: they take everything literally and the moment Bender broke their rules the Robot Devil was sent to collect his electronic soul!

He literally takes him from his hotel and to an abandoned carnival where Robot Hell is situated, telling him that he will be held here forever. Nibbler picks up his scent and Fry and Leela head off to try to rescue him, and find that if they can beat the Robot Devil in a fiddle contest they will be able to release Bender, winning back his soul. Of course they can't play the fiddle as well as the Robot Devil, so Leela hits him on the head with it and the trio make their escape.



QUOTES
Fry: "Wow! I love you guys! Back in the twentieth century I had all five of your albums."
Ad-Rock: "Man that was a thousand years ago! We've got seven now!
Fry: "Can I borrow the new ones? And some blank tapes?"

Robo-preacher: "Wretched sinner unit! The path to Robot Heaven lies here, in the Good Book, 3.0!" (The Good Book is shaped like an old 3.5" floppy disc!)

Leela: "Bender! Why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking-on in there?"
Bender: "No! Don't come in!"

Fry: "You made me feel like a jerk for trusting you! Just like when my friend Ritchie swore he wasn't taking drugs, then he sold me my mom's VCR. And later I found out he was taking drugs!"

Robot Preacher: "I see a lot of fancy robots in here today, made o' real shiny metal! But that don't impress the Robot Devil! Cause if you sin, He's gonna plug His infernal modem into the wall, belchin' smoke and fire, and He's gonna download your soul to Robot Hell!"

Bender: "Wonderful! Then you'll all come to my exceedingly long, un-air-conditioned baptism ceremony?"

Robot Preacher: "We are gathered here today to deliver our brother Bender from the cold steel grip of the Robot Devil unto the cold steel bosom of our congregation."

Leela: "Who would have thought that Hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?"
Fry: "Actually..."

PCRs
Bender spends a night at the Trump Trapezoid.

The fiddle contest in Robot Hell is based on Charlie Daniels' "The devil went down to Georgia", though I have no doubt that song is also based on some folk or fairy tale, but it's the first reference I have to it.



NEW CHARACTER?
Not really, but Scruffy is seen wheeling the three Heads onstage. He's still not named. It's possible he's holding down some different jobs, though robo-masseur to road crew is a bit of a stretch...

The Robot Devil: Oh yes, He exists, as does Robot Hell. It's in Jersey! And he loves to sing in bossa-nova style. Now that's scary!

SIGNS OF THE TIMES
In the Temple: "10 Sin 20 Goto Hell"

A ROBOT CALLED BENDER
This is a great final episode! We find out so much about not just Bender but robots in general. They have their own religion, with a very real and definite Hell that they are dragged to by a very real Robot Devil if they sin. The Fairness in Hell Act of 2263 though requires that any robot's soul can be released if a petitioner can best the Robot Devil in a fiddle contest. We also learn about "jacking on", where robots plug electrical cables into their sockets and consume electricity, in strict violation of their warranties. When done properly, like many drugs, this provides a pleasant "buzz", but when overindulged in it can be dangerous and habit-forming, leading to full on addiction.

Bender finds out for himself that Robot Hell exists, and finds his many and varied crimes all punished in ironic ways, like being rolled up and smoked like a cigar, or having his hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys! This will not be the last encounter he will have with the Robot Devil, though he won't be jacking-on any more.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

"Good news everybody!"

Notes on the end of season one.

So the first real question, as we wrap up season one of this series must be "did Groening get it right? Did he differentiate "Futurama" from his other global brand, the phenomenal "Simpsons"?" I know that's technically two questions but there you go. Well, in the first season you can see that there is some small reliance on the "parent series", but that soon diminishes and "Futurama" stands steadily on its own two feet. Never really free from the threat of the Network axe, it would in fact be cancelled twice, the second time (so far) holding no reprieve. In fairness, rather like Seth McFarlane's bloated "Family guy", after it was renewed the first time "Futurama" did really well, like someone given a second chance and determined to prove themselves, but in latter years and towards the end of the final season it seems to have slipped. But that is a story for a much later time.

For now, we can relax and enjoy the adventures of the weird and wonderful characters we've ben introduced to. There are semi-relationships developing between Fry and Bender, Fry and Leela and maybe even Fry and Amy, with others such as Zapp Branigan's hopeless quest to woo Leela and Zoidberg's hapless attempts to gain respect or indeed even recognition from anyone seeming doomed to failure. After the initial shock of waking a thousand years in the future, Fry has adapted rather quickly to life in the 31st century, and in many ways all he's done is updated his old lifestyle. He's still lazy, arrogant, easily bored and easily distracted. He's still in basically a dead-end job and really, nobody respects him. He had hoped to be captain of the Planet Express Ship, but Professor Farnsworth, despite being family, didnt even consider that idea. Not that surprising, as Fry has never flown anything in his life, much less a spaceship!

Some very cleevr ideas have been advanced in the series, with much more to come. The idea ofthe Mooon being a theme park is inspired, while the Trisolarians --- although incongruous --- are a totally new concept that works quite well. Groening and his team have explored, as do the Simpsons, social issues such as environmental resources, pollution, inequality and prejudice, and will delve into more weighty topics in future seasons, though always with a healthy does of humour and a satirical bent, sometimes at the series itself, utilising the old maxim, if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?

We've seen, too, the vital role that robots play inthe 31st century, and how it irks Bender that his brethern are, as he sees it, oppressed (though only when it means he can get out of work or make a fast buck, ideally both). Robots will continue to be a huge factor in "Futurama". We've already seen a whole planet run by robots --- who seem about as incompetent as humans --- and been introduced to the Church of Robotology, with its very real Robot Devil. Robots are subject to addictions too we see, though the alcohol Bender consumes, rather than be seen as a vice and something to avoid, is in fact vital for his proper operation, as we assume it is for all robots. Later we will learn of Robot Wrestling, robot doctors and the Robot Mafia --- the entire Robot Mafia --- and will even encounter robot ghosts!

There are many weird and ofbeat adventures to experience yet for the crew of the Planet Express Ship, and really up to season five and its first cancellation the quality hardly flags once. Even after that, when "Futurama" comes back after four full-length DVD movies and a fan campaign, it's as strong as ever. Perhaps the series will secure another, alternate channel for future seasons, but for now we have a whole lot to look forward to. To quote the opening episode: "Welcome to the world of tomorrow!"

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Season 1: Three million years from Earth...

Episode 2: "Future echoes"

For the first two seasons, the episode will be preceded by Holly giving a basic rundown of what happened in episode one, with a joke tagged on at the end, a different joke each episode. The usual announcement runs like this, though later the words "a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew" is changed to "a hologram simulation of his dead bunkmate".

This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship "Red Dwarf". The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions are a life-form who evolved from his cat, and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.

The joke: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000. The same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

As he prepares to make the calculations for the jump to lightspeed that will help them navigate their way home, Holly tells Lister that he and the Cat must go into stasis, and Lister tells Rimmer that he has decided to go the whole hog and stay there for the entire trip home. Rimmer is not impressed, as he knows this means he'll be left alone with Holly. When Lister suggests they could just turn his hologram off for the journey, this still doesn't satisfy him. At any rate, it seems that Holly has made something of a miscalculation and they've broke the lightspeed barrier too early. As a consequence, very weird things are happening aboard the ship.

Conversations are taking place out of synchronisation, effects are being seen and felt before the cause occurs, and Holly tells Lister, Rimmer and the Cat that they are experiencing what are known as "future echoes". As they move closer to the speed of light, time speeds up, and so they begin to catch up on their future selves, seeing and experiencing events before they have actually taken place. The Cat runs by, holding his face and shouting that he's broken a tooth, and a short while later we see him fishing in Lister's fishtank, unaware the fish in there are robotic. So it's now pretty clear what's going to happen: the Cat will bite the robot fish, break his tooth and then go screaming out into the corridor, where the "other" Lister and Rimmer will see him running past. Clear? No? It gets better...

The strangest thing they see from the future is a photograph of Lister holding two babies, which certainly look to be his. When Rimmer asks how he gets two babies he grins and says "I don't know, but it's going to be fun finding out!" He's not laughing though when Rimmer calls him to say he has just seen a future echo of Lister dying! Desperate to change the future, Lister reasons that if he can stop the Cat from eating his goldfish and thereby breaking his tooth, he can cheat fate and change the outcome. Rimmer, ghoulishly delighted at the situation Lister is in (and happy that he's in no danger!) tells him it can't be done, but follows him anyway.

Although Lister manages to knock the fish out of the Cat's grip, in the ensuing fall and struggle the Cat hits his head and ... knocks his tooth out. Thus proving the old axiom that you can't change the future, it will always realign to the same outcome. Then Holly calls to say there's an emergency, and he needs help in the drive room. This is where Rimmer said he has seen Lister die, so Lister, realising you can't cheat fate after all, resigns himself to the inevitable and goes to meet his destiny.

After a tense few moments though, he fails to die and Rimmer, making no attempt to disguise his disappointment, is unable to understand it. He knows he saw Lister die, here, at this point, and yet here he is, still alive. When they return to the bunks, they're amazed to see a very old man there, who is quite obviously Lister from the far far future. He tells Lister (well, himself, but his past self, who is his present self --- don't you just love temporal paradoxes?) that it wasn't him that Rimmer saw die in the drive room, but Lister's son, Bexley. He tells Lister to run and get his camera, which he does.

On returning, the old man is gone, but in his place is a Lister not much older than the current one, holding two babies. Lister snaps a photo, and now we know where the photograph they saw in the future echo came from. But as to how Lister gets two babies without a woman on board, well that's another story and believe me, you wouldn't guess it, not if you lived to be a million!

Best lines/quotes/scenes:

Rimmer to Lister, having seen "him" die in the future echo:

Rimmer: "Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die!"
Lister: "What?!"
Rimmer: "I did warn you to brace yourself."
Lister: "You didn't give me much of a chance!"
Rimmer: "I gave you ample bracing time!"
Lister: "No you didn't. You didn't even pause."
Rimmer: "Well, I'm sorry! I've just had a rather nasty experience. I have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way!"
Lister: "Yeah! Me!"
Rimmer: "You were fiddling around with the navi-"
Lister: "I don't want to know! I don't want to know!"
Rimmer: "You don't want to know how you die?"
Lister: "No! (Pause) Was it quick?"
Rimmer: "Well, I wouldn't say it was super fast. Not if you count the thrashing around and the agonised squealing."
Lister: "You're really loving this, aren't you?"
Rimmer: "What a horrible thing to say!"
Lister: "It was definitely me?"
Rimmer: "Oh yes".
Lister: "I don't want to know. (Pause) How old did I look?"
Rimmer: "How old are you now?"
Lister: "Twenty-five. How old did I look?"
Rimmer: "Mmmm ... mid twenties."
Lister: "Smeg! I'm not ready! I'm not smegging ready!"
Rimmer: "You did seem surprised."
Lister: "Ah! Did you actually see me face?"
Rimmer: "You were wearing a hat, but it was definitely you."

The "future echo conversation" between Rimmer and Lister (and Lister)...

Lister: "Yo, Rimmer, look, I've been thinking--"
Rimmer: "What?"
Lister: "You know, about going into stasis and everything."
Rimmer: "How did I do what?"

(Rimmer walks into the middle of the room, and Lister realises that Rimmer
isn't looking at him, but at an empty spot in the air. Throughout the
following conversation, Rimmer continues ignoring Lister and talking to
thin air, while Lister is continually looking around, trying to figure
out what Rimmer thinks he's talking to.)

Lister: "What do you mean, "How did I do what?"
Rimmer: "Lister, don't be a gimboid."
Lister: "I'm not being a gimboid!"
Rimmer: "I've just been in the library, thinking. And I've decided--"

Rimmer stops as though he was interrupted, although Lister hasn't done
anything.

Rimmer: "Shut up! As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on."
Lister: "What, on your own for the rest of your life?"
Rimmer: "What things?"
Lister: "Eh?"
Rimmer: "I said what?"
Lister: "What's going on?"
Rimmer: "You're space crazy!"
Lister: "I'm space crazy?! You're the one who's (waving his hand in front of Rimmer's face, who doesn't notice) space crazy!"
Rimmer: "Well, it probably is deja vu. It sounds like it."

Rimmer shakes his head and leaves the Drive Room through the near door. As he leaves, a second Rimmer enters through the far door. Lister is staring after the first Rimmer, and gets a shock when he turns around and sees the second Rimmer.

Lister: (Screams) "Aaahhh! Rimmer! (Calms down a little) I've just seen you walk out of that door!"
Rimmer: (Now talking directly to Lister) "What?"
Lister: "How did you do that?"
Rimmer: "How did I do what?"
Lister: "You just this second walked out of that door."
Rimmer: "Lister, don't be a gimboid".
Lister: "I swear, on me grandmother's life, as you walked out of that door, you came in this one!"
Rimmer: "I've just been in the library, thinking. And I've decided--"
Lister: "Rimmer, I'm telling ya--"
Rimmer: "Shut up! As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I've decided, when you go into stasis, I want to stay behind. I want to be left on."

As he says this, Lister realises that he's heard all this before.

Lister: "Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things."
Rimmer: "What things?"
Lister: "You said that!"
Rimmer: "I said what?"
Lister: "And that! You said that!"
Rimmer: "You're space crazy!"
Lister: "And then you said, "Well it probably is deja vu."
Rimmer: "Well, it probably is deja vu. It sounds like it."
Lister: "Well, go on then. Shake your head and walk out."

Rimmer shakes his head and walks out.

Lister's idea of freshening up (it's better visually but you'll get the general idea.)

Lister reaches under his T-shirt to scratch with one hand and sprays under his arms with the other. He picks up another spray can in his free hand and sprays his face. He suddenly realises that he's spraying his face with underarm deodorant. Cautiously reaching under his shirt, he discovers that he's been spraying shaving foam under his arms. He scrapes off a handful and slaps it on his face.

Rimmer, on the drawbacks of being dead:

Lister: "Oh, come on, Rimmer, don't give me this."
Rimmer: "Don't give you what? I'm dead, Lister, or hadn't you noticed?"
Lister: "I know you're dead, Rimmer. Don't whinge on about it!"
Rimmer: "Sorry to be a bore."
Lister: "I mean, you're everything you were when you were alive. Same personality. Same everything."
Rimmer: "Apart from the minuscule detail that I'm a stiffie."
Lister: "Look, Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days. It doesn't screw your career up like it used to."
Rimmer: "That's what they say, Lister. But if you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead, which one would you pick?"
Lister: "It depends which is better qualified."
Rimmer: "Bull pats! When was the last time you saw a dead newsreader?"
Lister: "Channel 27 have a hologram reading the news."
Rimmer: "Oh, groovy, funky Channel 27. Big smegging deal. You livvies hate us deadies!"

Good morning, Lister, Rimmer-style:

Rimmer: "Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space cookie?What's the plan for the day then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species!"

The Cat, taking only "the bare essentials" into stasis:

The Cat is wheeling a rack of clothes along and meets Lister.

CAT: (Singing) "This little kitty went into stasis. Oooo! This little kitty stayed home. Ooh! Yeah, my clothes look good."
Lister: (Laughing) "What are you doing?"
CAT: "I'm doing what you said do."
Lister: "I said, "Take a few essential basics you couldn't bear to leave behind."
CAT: "Right! These are all I'm taking. Just these, and the other ten racks. Travel light, move fast!"
Lister: "You can't take all of this. There's no room."
CAT: (Rummaging around in the rack) "OK, then I'll leave ... this!" (Pulls out a small red handkerchief.) "I'll just have to do without it."
Lister: "You can take two suits and that's it."
CAT: "Two suits? Then I'm staying!"
Lister: "You can't stay. By the time I come out, you'll be dead."
CAT: "Two suits is dead!"

Lister and Rimmer discuss the causality and the inevitability of events. Kind of. With respect to his upcoming death, as witnessed by a Rimmer barely managing to suppress his delight:

Rimmer: "Lister, it has happened. You can't change it, any more than you can change what you had for breakfast yesterday."
Lister: "Hey, it hasn't happened, has it? It has will have going to have happened happened, but it hasn't actually happened happened yet, actually."
Rimmer: "Poppycock! It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future. Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby!"

And before I confuse you (or myself!) any more, I'm off! More Red Dwarf in the coming days. Watch for more Babylon 5 soon, and hopefully we'll get Supernatural properly started before the week is out. Yeah. Don't hold yer breath...

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Urban Hat€monger ?

Helen was originally only supposed to feature in Episode 2, but then the producer of the show decided to introduce her in the opening episode, get a name actress to play her (Lisa Faulkner) AND include her on all the promotional material for the series leading people to believe she would be in the whole series.

You have to say it was a genius decision because the sudden way she's tortured and disposed of so easily it makes it one of the most shocking moments on British TV of the last 15 years.

There's no way it would have had that much impact had she just appeared in one episode as a guest artist.

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