Trollheart

Season 2 "Like life, only better!"

2.4 "Stasis leak"

Three million years in the past, we see Rimmer reporting Lister to Captain Hollister, for having induced a hallucinogenic fit in the former by way of cooking him a breakfast with Titan mushrooms, also known as "freaky fungus". Rimmer is not happy with the captain's sentence of two weeks' PD (Paint Duty: painting the exterior of Red Dwarf), and says so, earning himself eight weeks of the painting detail! As Lister goes to get the spacesuits, Rimmer is greeted by what he takes to be a hallucination, but which is in fact himself from the future telling him that he is going to try to save him from his imminent death.

Back in the present, Lister is reading Rimmer's diary, having found a photograph in Kochanski's quarters, which shows Lister getting married to her. Lister deduces that the only way this can happen is that they go back to the past. Reading Rimmer's diary, he comes across the passage where Rimmer describes the appearance of the future Rimmer, and decides to go looking for the stasis leak alluded to by the future Rimmer. Finding it, they go through, and do indeed find themselves in the past. Unfortunately, they emerge in the shower-room, and when they try to take something back with them into the present, they find it disintegrates. So it becomes clear that it is now impossible for either to save the one they love most --- for Lister that's Kochanski, for Rimmer of course there's nobody but Arnie! --- without killing them. The plan has hit, as they say, something of a snag.

Back in the present, Lister tells Rimmer he is going to go back and stay with Kochanski until the crew are wiped out, three weeks hence. Rimmer is not happy to be left alone, but then Lister comes up with a better idea: there is a spare stasis booth on Red Dwarf, and if they can convince someone to go into stasis, they would survive the accident. Back in the present, they could revive them and that would be that. Rimmer of course wants to bring himself back, and Lister naturally goes for Kochanski. When they wake the next morning Rimmer has already gone back to the past to get a head start on them, and try to convince his own past self to go into stasis. Lister and the Cat follow him, with Holly as a watch on Lister's wrist.

Back in the past, Lister sees again his old mate Petersen, who can't understand why Lister is so delighted to see him, and blows his chance with two women the catering officer was sizing up. The Cat, exposed to the delights of women for the first time, is confused, but willing to learn... Rimmer meanwhile is setting himself up to contact his past self, but things do not go as well as he would have liked, especially when he tells his past self "I've come to warn you. In three million years you'll be dead!"

"Will I really?" sneers his past self. Unable to convince him, the future Rimmer goes off, and Captain Hollister arrives, dressed as a chicken for the fancy dress party that night. Rimmer, however, labouring under the misapprehension that he is still seeing illusions, insults him and earns himself eight years PD!

Lister, trying to contact Kochanski, learns that she is on planet leave, and heads down to the Ganymede Holiday Inn, where he finds to his dismay that she is already married! He is about to go when Kochanski comes out and invites he and the Cat in, and Lister meets his alternate self, who has married Kochanski. The other Lister tells him that in five years time they find a way to come back again, and that it does eventually work out. Disappointed but not crushed, Lister goes back to the ship. There he finds Rimmer, still trying to convince his past self that what he says is the truth.

But for the past Rimmer, things get out of hand when not only the Lister from the future and the Cat join the future Rimmer, but the Lister who married Kochanski arrives, with Chrissie in tow, and is joined by the Rimmer from that dimension! Mental breakdown is the order of the day, but Rimmer in any dimension should be used to those!

QUOTES
Rimmer relates how he experienced a “voyage to Trip-Out City”

RIMMER: “And on the morning of February the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J.--”
CAPTAIN: “For crying out loud, Rimmer!”
RIMMER: “--the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.”
CAPTAIN: “Okay, I'm getting the picture.”
RIMMER: “Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, Second Technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a voyage to Trip-out City. To wit, a major hallucinogenic fit.”
CAPTAIN: “Lister, is this true?”
LISTER: “No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.”
RIMMER: “The aforementioned Rimmer, to wit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychedelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous.”
CAPTAIN: “You'd better have a good reason for this, Lister.”
LISTER: “I have, sir.”
CAPTAIN: “Why'd you do it?”
LISTER: “I thought it'd be a laugh.”

Lister curls up with a very good book…

RIMMER: “Good book?”
LISTER: “Yeah, it's alright.”
RIMMER: “I didn't think you read.”
LISTER: “Not much, but this is good.”
RIMMER: “What is it?”
LISTER: “It's your diary.”

A wise old Cat saying…

CAT: “There's a wise old Cat saying which I think applies in this situation. It goes: "What are you talking about, dog-breath?"

Holly tries to blag his way through an explanation of what a stasis leak is

LISTER: “Alright, Hol. Listen, what's a stasis leak?”
HOLLY: “Um, well, very, very basically, putting it as simply as I can for your average layman to comprehend, a stasis leak is a leak, right, in stasis, hence the name "a stasis leak."

The in-lift safety routine

HOSTESS: (on video) “Welcome to Xpress Lifts, descent to floor sixteen. You will be going down two thousand, five hundred and sixty-seven floors and, for a small extra charge, you can enjoy the in-lift movie "Gone With the Wind." If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last will and testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules.”

What is it?

CAT: (to RIMMER) “What IS it?”
RIMMER: “It's a rent in the space-time continuum.”
CAT: (to LISTER) “What IS it?”
LISTER: “The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.”
CAT: (to RIMMER) “What IS it?”
RIMMER: “It's a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.”
CAT: (to LISTER) “What IS it?”
LISTER: “It's a hole back into the past.”
CAT: “Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?”

Rimmer wonders...

RIMMER: “I wonder if we can bring anybody back?”

LISTER looks around, then picks up a bar of soap. They step back through the hole. LISTER opens his hand, to reveal a handful of three-million-year-old dust.

LISTER: “Not unless we want them to be turned into powder.”
CAT: “Who were you thinking of bringing back?”
RIMMER: “Me.”

CAT looks at the handful of dust and smiles wickedly.

CAT: “Let's do it!”

Rimmer thinks he may surprise Lister

LISTER: “Where are you coming from, Rimmer? You don't even like me.”
RIMMER: “Don't I?”
LISTER: “No.”
RIMMER: “Fine.”
LISTER: “You don't though, do you? You don't even like me.”
RIMMER: “That's what you think, is it?”
LISTER: “Yeah."
RIMMER: “I will tell you something that will probably stun you rigid.”
LISTER: “What?”
RIMMER: “You're right. I don't like you.”

Cat has his first real experience of women

CAT: Waaaooow! I've never been this close to women before! It makes me wanna do something. I don't know what it is, but I want to do a lot of it!”

Future Rimmer tries to warn his past self about his coming fate…

RIMMER: “No, look. I'm you from the future. I've come to warn you, in three million years you'll be dead.”
PAST RIMMER: “Will I really?”
RIMMER: “Yes. Unless you do something about it now.”
PAST RIMMER: “Well, what do you suggest, give up white bread? More roughage!?”

The old airline problem persists. Sort of.

SUITCASE: “Have you seen a man who's lost his luggage, about 5 foot 10, mousy hair?”
CAT: “No, I haven't.”
SUITCASE: “Oh, no. I bet they've sent him to the wrong bloody airport again!”

And Cat tries to save a lady from her foxfur stole

CAT: “Aaargh! Dog! And he's trying to strangle that woman!”

CAT grabs the a spray-bottle of mineral water from a passing robot waiter, and starts attacking the fox fur. The flabbergasted woman, believing herself to be under attack by a (tastefully dressed) madman, flees. CAT shakes the piece of fur by the throat, then jumps up and down on it.

CAT: “Don't worry, madam -- his strangling days are over!”

Lister is heartbroken

LISTER: “Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtleneck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean, natural yoghurt eaters! Reliable, sensible, dependable, and lots of other words that end in "-ible." He's obsessed with house-prices, and spends half his life in antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer, is it, it's always wine! "What do you want on your cornflakes, darling?" "Oh, I'll have some wine, please!" Smeg!

He leans against a wall, bitter and angry. CAT taps him on one shoulder.

CAT: “You can tell all that, just from a photograph?”

Holly recalls a doomed love affair from his past…

HOLLY: “I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81. People said, "No, Holly, she's not for you." She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't load -- well, not for me, anyway.”

Cat tries to sort out the identity crisis

CAT: (gesturing with a purloined leg of chicken) “If he's you and you're him, and you're him and he's him -- am I still me? Who's eatin' this chicken? What the hell is going on??”

Too many doubles

PAST RIMMER: (losing it fast) “THREE Listers!! Splendid!!! Perhaps Lister here would like to go over to the fridge and open a bottle of wine for Lister and Lister!!!! Rimmer here doesn't drink, because he's dead, but I wouldn't mind a glass!”

TIME FOR A BREAK?
One of the biggest risks, they say, about going back in time is changing your own past and thereby altering your future. But just as important is the possibility that you might meet yourself, because the laws of physics state, apparently, that no two objects can occupy the same space at the same time, and if two versions of one person come together, well nobody knows quite what would happen, as it’s never occurred and is unlikely ever to, but in theory it’s usually seen as very bad news for the entire universe.

Here both Rimmer and Lister seek to alter the timeline, the former by saving himself so as not to be dead anymore (surely he’s learned from his experiences with his copy in "Me2" that two Rimmers is not good for anyone, especially him?) and the latter to try to rescue the love of his life. Neither seem concerned with the damage this might do to the timeline.

Had they watched a single episode of Star Trek (any of the franchise) they would have known that to even alter the past in tiny ways can mean that you get back to your own time and find things have changed in enormous ways. Even Homer Simpson learned this. Didn’t stop him of course, but then that’s Homer for you. You would think Lister and Rimmer, or at least one of them, would have more sense. Well, maybe not, but surely Holly would have been expected to have raised some objection, being the supposedly logical one? One thing is certain: if Kryten were here he would have much to say on the subject. Then again, his protestations usually went unheeded and the boys did as they liked.

Of course, trying to convince your former self that you are from the future is tricky at the best of times, and definitely not advisable when said former self is just recovering from a severe bad trip, as they know from Rimmer’s diary entry. Lister, of course, is driven by the photograph he has found which shows him married to Kochanski, and is at this point a lot more reckless than he will eventually become, but either way it’s a crazy errand. Does he really think Kochanski will want to live with him in a world where he is, literally, the only man? She was not that into him in the first place --- their affair didn’t last long and broke up acrimoniously. Would she be happy spending the rest of her life with him in deep space, salvaging wrecks and annoying Rimmer?

Perhaps a better plan would have been to have convinced himself --- or, if you want to be selfless and altruistic about it, Chrissie --- to jump ship at the next opportunity, before the accident. They have, after all, something like three weeks before the crew are wiped out, and Kochanski is on planet leave. Why not make it his mission to ensure she never rejoins the ship, even if he has to imprison her in the hotel till Red Dwarf has left orbit, at which point she will be unable to rejoin the vessel until its next stop, if at all. And three weeks from now, she’ll be much happier and realise why he did what he did.

But if Rimmer’s plan is selfish it does at least have some small chance of coming off, while to call Lister’s half-baked is being extremely kind. He obviously has not thought it through, has in fact not used his brain but another part of his anatomy to do the planning, and can see no further than saving the girl. What happens after that? Hey, we’ll just see, won’t we? He hasn’t taken into account that he could be responsible for driving her mad. When she realises all her friends are dead, the Earth probably a wasteland if it hasn’t been destroyed by now, and she is irretrievably stranded in space with a man she once used to go out with but never really loved, well who wouldn’t crack? Lister only made it through because he is such a slob he really couldn’t be bothered to get upset about what he had lost, and concentrated on what he had gained, basically a whole ship to himself. Almost. But few if any of us could see the silver lining in that particularly dark cloud.

This is the first, but not the last, of the time travel episodes in the series. Of course, they’re seldom if ever taken seriously and the time travel method used gets progressively sillier, but then you wouldn’t want anything else from Red Dwarf now would you? It also gave the writers that chance that every author who envisages backwards time travel relishes, the opportunity for their characters to meet famous or infamous figures from history. Mind you, Grant and Naylor often manage this without the benefit of time travel, but then, such was the genius of this writing partnership that they could envisage things others could not even dream about.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

1.15 "You can't tell a crook by his cover"



Frasier and his dad have a bet to see if he can spot an ex-con among three visitors Martin is having over for poker. However despite his vaunted prowess he is unable to determine who the ex-convict is. Things take something of a turn for the worse though when it emerges that Jimmy, that rather nice shy guy who turns out to be the one who spent time behind bars has asked Daphne out. Martin forbids her, but of course he's not her father so he can't do that, and Daphne makes up her own mind to go. When Niles find out about her date he is determined to rescue her and so he and Frasier end up at a seedy pool hall where, surprise, surprise, Daphne is holding her own, being something of a pool shark and making quite a name for herself. Jimmy has long been sent packing.

On the way out though, as they try to avoid Daphne who is returning from the ladies, they bump into one of the toughs there and spoil his shot. He demands two hundred dollars, and when neither have the money on them he decides to "take them out the back". Seeing what's happening, Daphne convinces him to make a wager with her for the money the guys owe, and with 200 dollars plus their very health resting on one shot of the pool cue, Frasier and Niles look on anxiously as Daphne measures up. She almost pulls it off, but misses one ball, leaving the trio no option but to leg it and bar the door with Daphne's pool cue.

QUOTES
Frasier: "Are you forgetting that I graduated from Harvard?"
Martin: "I know. I was at your graduation. Impressive bunch: a car backfired and half of them wet their gowns!"

Daphne: "I've made meatball sandwiches, pepperoni pizza and little sausages. Will you be needing anything else?"
Frasier: "The number of the nearest gastroenterologist!"

Frasier: "Don't you believe in second chances dad?"
Martin: "I did. Then we had Niles!"

MArtin: "Wow, Frasier! I may have underestimated you!"
Frasier: "Really?"
Martin: "Yeah. You're making a bigger jackass of yourself than I thought!"

Frasier: "That would have been a very dramatic exit, if only her room were down that hall."

Niles: "Don't you dare call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy!"

Niles: "Has a young woman been in here this evening, approximately five feet nine and three quarter inches, with skin the colour of Devonshire cream and the sort of eyes that gaze into one's soul with neither artifice nor evasion?"

FAMILY
DAPHNE
It's quite touching, again, to see the respect and regard Martin has for his healthcare worker. She might as well be his daughter, the way he protectively tells her she may not go out with Jimmy. He probably doesn't even feel he's overreaching his boundaries here, though Frasier is a bit more sanguine. Still, they argue back and forth --- "I say she's not going!" "Well I say she is!" etc --- before Daphne reminds them in no uncertain terms that neither has any claim or authority over her. It must be gratifying to her though, when she thinks about it later, that the two men think so much of her that they would try to stop her going on a date in case she got hurt.

EGGHEAD
Frasier and Niles find themselves in a place that would be the bane of any of the intelligensia, the pool hall. They don't stand out at all, of course, in their designer overcoats, flash cologne and rich man ties. There's a deathly silence when they walk in, as if the pack have just scented blood in the air. It's clear there's a sense that juicy prey has just walked in. Niles even makes a flip comment about the type of "clientele" he (correctly) believes frequent the bar, and why he would not be expected to bring large sums of money into such a place. He also tells Frasier with a real note of snobbery that he is "something of a squalor buff" --- bet that goes down well to anyone who overhears it!

The guys must feel like they're back in high school, the nerds walking into the lair of the jocks, every eye riveted on them, every balled fist destined for their stomachs or chins, and yet you have to admire their courage, braving the dragon to rescue the fair maiden. Not that the maiden needs rescuing, but they didn't know that when they went. Despite everything else you can accuse them of, neither Frasier nor his brother (especially his brother in the case of Daphne Moon) will stand idly by while a lady's honour is in jeopardy. Ah, bless!

(Again, no guest callers as this becomes the second consecutive episode not to feature the radio station. Well, there's an early scene there yes, but no on-air stuff)

1.16 "The show where Lilith comes back"

Frasier is amazed to find one of his on-air callers is his ex-wife, Lilith, and he is manouevred into asking her to dinner. Then it turns out that she has made an excuse about being in town for a convention, when in fact she has found a letter Frasier left in her apartment n which he proposes getting back together. She thinks he wrote it a month ago, but in fact he has to tell her it was over a year ago, before he even moved to Seattle. She has come out to his city on a false premise. She leaves, humiliated.

But when she has left, Frasier begins to think about what he wrote, and wonder if he should perhaps give it another try. One thing leads to another and they end up in bed, but afterwards Frasier has second thoughts and considers the whole thing a bad idea. Lilith is crushed, not so much by his rejection but by her stupidity in allowing herself to give in to her desire for companionship. But even though the idea of the two of them getting back together is a bad one, and they both agree it is, Frasier still has kind words for his ex-wife, showing that on some level he still loves her, and always will.

QUOTES
Lilith: "I love your apartment, Frasier. You have some wonderful things."
Frasier: "The settlement is final, Lilith!"

Lilith (to Eddie): "Go away!" (He does).
Frasier: "Why does he listen to you and not me?"
Lilith: "By the tone of my voice he knows I mean business."
Frasier: "Oh I see. So you're saying you have a better tone of command than me?"
Martin: "Hell, I took half a step before I realised she was talking to the dog!"

Lilith: "This is a mistake."
Frasier: "Oh thank God you said that! I mean, it's not like last night wasnt wonderful but who are we kidding? I've got on with my career, you've got on with yours, I've re-established realtionships with my family, I've got a whole new set of friends. For the first time in years I'm happy. For us to even consider getting back together it's just the stupidest thing two people could do!"
Lilith: "I meant the eggs. I ordered poached, not fried!"

THANKS FOR CALLING
Hank, the obese guy who can't get his weight under control, is played by Timothy Leary. Maybe it's all that Holsten Pils? Come on: some of you have to be old enough to get that reference? "All the sugar turns to alcohol?" Ah, I give up!

FAMILY
DAPHNE
Daphne's psychic powers come to the fore this episode, when she gets blinding headaches which she attributes to "dark forces" and "the ripping of the continuum" (sounds like an episode of Doctor Who!), the source of course being the arrival of Lilith. When she shakes her hand she remarks that she lost all feeling in her arm, and when she innocently enquires how long Frasier's ex-wife will be staying in Seattle and is told over the weekend, she mutters "I'll be dead by Saturday!"

MARTIN
Not that anyone likes her, but Martin's aversion to Lilith borders on his being scared of, or repulsed by her. He even has good things to say about Maris. Well, he says she's "odd" compared to Lilith being "weird". It's clear that he's glad Frasier divorced her, though throughout the series from time to time the fear that they might get back together will give him cold, sleepless nights.

NILES
Although Lilith could of course be featured in this section on her own, she's rarely in the show and it's really more interesting how the main characters respond to her, as in the case of Niles, who has an ongoing feud with her (well, he won't talk to her, which is about as aggressive as Niles gets) over her sniggering at his and Maris's wedding vows. She reinforces this --- possibly, probably deliberately --- by referring to them again while she is at Frasier's apartment. Niles declares he will compromise for his brother: he will be civil, but he refuses to be warm. When Lilith, professing surprise at how Niles took her reaction to the vows, offers a very cold and clinical apology, of sorts, Niles's response is totally disproportionate, as he hugs her and says how glad he is that this "bad blood" between them is over.

1.17 "A midwinter night's dream"

Niles's infatuation with Daphne has finally convinced Frasier that all is not well at home, and he seeks for a way to "spice things up" between his brother and his wife. Unfortunately his advice to Niles backfires and he ends up having to spend the night at Frasier's, having been thrown out by Maris who thought he was cheating on her. Long story. While kipping on the couch the unhappy Niles sees Daphne come in from her night with her new beau, Eric, which does nothing to improve his mood. What does though is when Daphne offers to help him cook the meal for Maris, as her chef has walked out in sympathy. Even better is when Daphne tells him that Eric has broken up with her.

A big storm is blowing and Maris rings to say she can't make it back. Things are spiralling out of control. Daphne, soaked through from the storm, changes into some sexy lingerie and Niles is having a hard time (!) controlling his urges. The power goes out, and they're left in a gothic mansion lit by candlelight in front of a roaring coal fire. Frasier, when he hears that Niles is alone with Daphne in the house, rushes to the rescue and Martin insists on coming with him.

Getting closer and more intimate with Daphne, as might be expected in such a setting, Niles is about to kiss her when suddenly the glockenspiel, which he sees as symbolic of his relationship with Maris --- "It used to play such beautiful music, and now it doesn't any more. How's that for irony?" --- begins working, and he takes it as a sign not to cheat on his wife. Also, Daphne has told him she feels so close to him but also safe, like he's a brother or something. Niles realises that, whatever feelings he has for Daphne, or thinks he has, he still loves his wife, and in any case he has no idea whether or not Daphne feels the same about him, so best not to venture into uncharted waters.


THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Frasier: "What do you do when the romance goes out of a relationship?"
Roz: "I get dressed and go home!"

Roz: "Personally I think you'd make a very sexy gladiator."
Frasier: "Roz, this is not for me. It's for my brother, Niles."
Roz: "Oh in that case, make it a gladiola!"

QUOTES
Martin: "Ah blah blah blah! All Maris needs to know is that you love her. When she gets back buy her some flowers, fix her a nice dinner. That's enough to make any woman forgive you."
Niles: "You really think that would work?"
Martin: "If it didn't, you wouldn't be here!"

Daphne:"Now what do you think Mrs Crane would like to eat?"
Niiles: "Oh you have free rein. Just bear in mind she can't eat shellfish, red meat, poultry, saturated fats, nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, MSG or any dairy. Did I say nuts?"
Frasier: "Oh I think that's implied!"

Frasier: "It's a recipe for disaster! A vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! All that's missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!"

Daphne: "We're losing the fire, Dr Crane!"
Niles: "No we're not, Daphne! It's burning with the heat of a thousand suns!"

Daphne: "Dr Crane! Your glockenspiel has sprung to life!"
(Cue much hilarity as Niles looks downwards, then realises)
Niles: "Oh! The clock!"

(Another episode with no guest callers, although there is a short scene at the beginning in the radio station, but again no on-air material)

FAMILY
DAPHNE/NILES
Throughout the first few seasons there will always be this unanswered question about Niles and Daphne. It's clear Niles loves her, has been in love with her since the first time he saw her at Frasier's house, but at this point at any rate he is still in love with Maris. Despite her flaws and many foibles, and the seeming total lack of any intimacy in their relationship --- wasn't it only an episode or two ago that he mentioned equating sex with getting lucky, literally? --- Niles is not yet ready to throw away his marriage, particularly as he does not know if Daphne has feelings for him. This does not stop him from being hurt when she starts going out with Eric, the waiter from Cafe Nervosa, nor surely from feeling a little pang of guilty triumph when Eric dumps her. It's the classic case of "I can't have her but I don't want anyone else to". Or possibly he's just hoping she will remain single and available while he makes up his mind and susses out her feelings, if any, for him.

In any case, he's set more or less straight by her, as she tells him she feels so comfortable with him, and seems not to have any romantic aspirations towards him. Indeed, after Niles has professed/realised his love for Maris is still strong despite everything, she rounds on Frasier for even suggesting that something inappropriate could happen between the two. Surely then Niles must take this as a sign that she is not interested in him in that way? It must be an odd feeling: the double-whammy of suddenly realising you love your wife while at the same time also discovering that the woman you thought or believed you loved or were falling in love with, does not love you, does not even see you in that light.

Just as well he's a psychiatrist, or he might be visiting one!

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Season One, Episode Eight
"Homecoming"

After a successful if difficult voyage, James is heading home aboard his new clipper, Pampero, anxious to be reunited with his wife, also anxious to see the look on Callon's face when he sees James's new ship. Elizabeth comes to their house to advise Anne of the news that the ship has been sighted, and she gets ready to go down to the quay and greet him. Elizabeth though, as ever, has come with her own interests in mind, and tells Anne that she intends to reveal the truth about her child to Albert. Anne does not think this is a good idea (duh!), reasoning that not many men, no matter how in love they are or think they are, will accept the idea of bringing up another man's child, particularly one who was a previous rival for his wife's affections.

Before Anne can leave though she has a visitor, a memory from her past, a man called Michael Adams. Seems they were something of an item when last he saw her, and he does not know she has married, asking for Anne Webster when he calls. Elizabeth loses no time in telling him, no doubt relishing the look of dismay on Adams's face and also getting a jump on Anne, putting her in a difficult position when she arrives from upstairs. When James makes it home he doesn't make a fuss but is nevertheless surprised to see another man in his house, a man he does not know. Adams takes his leave but James is naturally curious and begins to quiz Anne. He is less than pleased to find that Michael Adams is a former lover and that, had he returned from his first voyage, four years ago, Adams and Anne would have been wed.

Anne tries to play it down, but James is of course suspicious. He trusts his wife though and although they have words things calm down until Anne remarks that Adams has left his pipe behind on the table. James snatches it up and heads for Mrs. Webb's, relishing the chance both to talk to Adams alone and to put him in the picture. Elizabeth tries unsuccessfully to get him to come to dinner, as she wants backup when she tells Albert the harrowing news, but as ever, James is off again, to the Cape Verde Islands this time, and has no time for the social niceties. As she will many times in the future, Elizabeth Frazer stands alone, and really, it's hard to have any sympathy for her. She has, literally, made her bed and must now lie in it, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem.

When James tells Anne that he has signed Adams aboard the Pampero she asks to come with him. James may suspect that it is because of her ex-lover but in reality Anne is bored playing the dutiful housewife at home, and she misses her husband. Her father was a sea captain and since her voyage with James at the beginning she has harboured an itch she finds hard to scratch. She now knows that the sea is in her blood, just as it was in her father's, even if in him it was mixed with a goodly amount of rum also. Onboard the Pampero however, Adams is recognised by another sailor, a man called George Bethel, and seems annoyed, even threatening the man to make sure he forgets he ever knew him. Seems Michael Adams has a secret.

As they scale the mast, Bethel reminds Adams of “Bucko Roberts”, and the memory does not seem to sit well with Michael. James is less than pleased when he catches Anne watching Adams up in the rigging. Later though when she meets him on deck Adams admits to her that the reason he never came back for her four years ago, and the very reason he is now on this ship, is because he is a wanted man and it would have been unsafe for him to have remained in, or returned to, Liverpool. He mentions the name Bucko Roberts, says he was the First Mate on the Star of morn but before he can elaborate James happens by and he takes his leave of Anne. Baines tells James that there is some loose talk in the fo'csl (again, see “A life on the ocean wave”, further) about his wife and Adams being seen together, and Onedin snaps “The cure for idle talk is busy hands!” But he is not unaware of the impropriety of the liaisons, even if he excuses it to Baines.

Adams is both amazed and incensed to find that he is not actually wanted for the murder of Bucko Roberts, that the captain of the Star of morn entered the death of the mate as accidental. Adams has been running for four years, steering clear of Liverpool (and Anne) without ever having needed to. He could have married her, but now it's too late. Of course, he's a free man now, but it burns him that so much of his life has been wasted as he kept on the run from something he had no need to be running from. He knows Bethel was involved in the murder but Adams jumped ship when nobody spoke up, believing he would be found guilty with all of them. As it is, the captain asked no questions and nobody told any lies.

Back in Liverpool, Elizabeth is shocked to hear that Albert's father has cut him off, though Albert maintains he has “resigned his position in the company”. The Onedin girl though knows that it is because Albert married her, and his father does not like her or her family. Bethel goes to James to try to make out that it was Adams who landed the killing blow, not him, and telling him that Adams is even now writing what he terms “a true account of the matter”, which he wants him to sign. Bethel, of course, does not want to sign, as he knows full well it is the truth and if he puts his name to it then it could at some point be seen as a confession and used against him in a court of law. James however has other problems: the ship has sprung for'ard (sprung a leak in the forward compartment) and he sends Baines to investigate, telling him to take the two sparring sailors with him.

Anne,who has heard everything, is indignant and appalled that her friend has been accused of murder when she knows he is innocent, and equally aghast that the captain of the Star of morn turned a blind eye to the murder. James tells her matter-of-factly that these things happen aboard ship and she is not to interfere. James does not say so, but he either understands or tacitly agrees with the way the matter was handled by the captain of the Star of morn. He finds himself put in the same position, when Bethel, who refuses to sign Adams's document, ends up going over the side, punched by Adams. It was not deliberate murder but it could be compared to the fate of the luckless Bucko Roberts. Onedin chooses to do as the captain of Adams's previous ship did, and note the matter in the log as “washed overboard”, an all too frequent occurrence onboard ship.

This must hold additional discomfort for James, as in reality he knows the truth as witnessed by his wife, and indeed probably saw it with his own eyes as he was at the helm at the time. Surely he would prefer to damn Adams, have him accused of murder and imprisoned or hanged. Either way, he would be out of his and his wife's hair. But he knows that deep down Anne has feelings for him, and so he shows mercy. But Anne herself must be wrestling with her conscience, knowing that she has asked James to turn the very blind eye she was so critical of the other captain closing. Double standards, and that's not something we've come to know Anne Onedin for. Seems life at sea changes people in subtle ways, shows them a different viewpoint to the one they've been used to seeing.

Torn apart by her guilt and her fear that she will lose Albert, and realising that, although she married him more to spite Fogarty and her brothers, she is now actually in love with the shipbuilder's son, Elizabeth again tries vainly to tell him the truth, but he misunderstands. He thinks her reticence with him is because she knows that she still loved Fogarty when she married Albert, and he does not care, or says he does not. He still believes he got the better part of the deal. We'll see if he maintains that belief when the truth comes out, as it always must.

QUOTES
Elizabeth (about the baby): “I must tell him (Albert): do you think me foolish?”
Anne: “Where you're concerned, Elizabeth, I've given up thinking!”

Elizabeth: “You can't b expected to know, but she's no longer Anne Webster.”
Adams: “Oh.”
Elizabeth: “Anne was wed to James Onedin six months ago., a shipowner. James is my brother, a shipowner. He's just acquired a new clipper, and it arrives today from Lisbon.”
(Elizabeth says much here in a few sentences. She drops the bombshell on Adams that his childhood friend is married, that he is married to her brother and that that brother is well-to-do and respected. She also hints that he might not want to be found in James's house, as her brother is arriving home as they speak. As well as this, she injects a sense of pride and perhaps arrogance that her brother is well-off, even though in private and to his face she believes he is nothing more than a jumped-up sailor. Always play to your strengths, is Elizabeth's motto, and if she can impress a perfect stranger and make him feel perhaps small or uncomfortable for no other reason than her own amusement and gratification, then bending the truth slightly is always acceptable. Not to mention that the old class war comes into effect here, and Elizabeth is determined to show that, though she was raised as a chandler's daughter, she has risen --- as indeed have her brothers --- above that somewhat lowly state and has bettered herself, moving up the social ladder, whereas Adams is little more than a common sailor, and someone for her to look down upon.)

Baines: “I bet no-one told her that you were sighted. Mrs. Onedin.”
James: “My wife's got better things to do than twiddle her thumbs on the quayside, Mister Baines!”
(Yes, but secretly James must wonder why she's not there? After all, they've been apart for three months and surely Elizabeth would have rushed to her with the news once the Pampero had been sighted?)

Anne: “How long will you be staying in Liverpool?”
Adams: “I hadn't really thought about it. I don't even know where I'll be staying yet.”
Anne: “Mrs. Webb, three doors along, takes in lodgers.”
Adams: “Mrs. Webb. Thank you.”
(There's an obvious unspoken hope in Adams' offhand comment. He knows Anne is married now but still, he had surely expected that maybe she might offer him accommodation. He sees now things have indeed changed and he must accept that.)

Anne: “I'm sorry I wasn't there to see your new clipper James.”
James: “Oh, damn me new clipper! I've a right to expect a welcome from me wife when I get home!”
(This is probably one of the only times when James places his wife above his beloved ships. He is genuinely more upset that she wasn't there to greet him than he is that she didn't see his latest and proudest acquisition).

James: “I can find me own way to bankruptcy without the help of this smokepot!”
(Despite being impressed with the performance of Frazer's steamboat in “Salvage”, James, like most seamen of the time, is a dyed-in-the-wool sail man. He has made his living, is making his fortune using sailing ships and as he once remarked to Albert “The wind blows free for any man”. Coal is expensive and steamships are yet an untried and unproven proposition, but as the years wind on and the obvious benefits of being able to sail without being dependent on the wind make themselves apparent to James, he will begin to bend. In matters of commerce, Onedin always follows the straightest line and smiles on anything that will provide him either a profit, an edge over his competitors, or ideally both.)

Albert (kissing Elizabeth): “One for you. One for me son.”
Elizabeth: “You're so sure of that.” (Pause) “What if it's a girl?”
Albert: “Then in that case she must look the very image of you, me love, or I shall ask for our money back!”
(Here Elizabeth has almost plucked up the courage to tell her husband that the baby she carries is not his, but chickens out at the last and pretends she was talking about the baby's sex. It's possible she did not mean Albert to hear her comment for she said it in a low voice, but he did, and when he frowns at her, wondering what she meant, she has to think fast. Also intrinsic to this short exchange is the veiled threat that if the child be anyone else's Elizabeth will be in trouble, though it's said in jest. But as so often in life, what is said with humour can come true in earnest, and Albert will have a difficult choice to make when he learns the truth about his wife, and the child she bears.)

FAMILY
JAMES AND ANNE
Although this is not their first voyage together, the trip is complicated and inflamed by the presence of Anne's former lover, or would-be lover, we're never quite told which. But one thing is certain: if Michael Adams had returned four years ago on the Star of morn his intention was to have married Anne, so there was obviously something going on. James is annoyed that, having given Adams passage as a hand on the ship, Anne then wishes to come with him. Now, to him it will obviously seem like she wants to go because Adams is onboard, but in reality we've seen that she chafes at home when James is away, and simply wishes to be with him. In this she is the very opposite to Elizabeth, who would be hard-pressed to set one dainty foot onboard a ship. Not for her the life on the sea! But Anne chooses her timing extremely badly, and James can only wonder what her real motive for accompanying him is.

This of course leads to bad blood and possibly the first real argument that the couple have, an argument which first raised its head when James returned home to find his wife entertaining another man, as he saw it. He softened a little when Adams left and Anne made a fuss over him being back, but then exploded again when he saw the pipe. Now, forced together into tight quarters with no way to get away from the man, James is angry to see --- and hear about --- his wife consorting with Adams. In truth, she's being very indecorous here. She should realise that no matter her feelings for Adams, she is onboard the ship not only with her husband but on his ship: he is master here, and her assignations with Adams, innocent though they may seem to her, can only serve to provoke James and foster gossip on the ship.

James finally loses it when he forbids Anne to talk to him, and grumpily admits he is jealous of him. He wonders what would have happened had Adams returned as he had promised Anne he would? Would he have married her? Surprisingly enough, though that would have thrown a spanner in his plans to buy the Charlotte Rhodes, it doesn't seem to be this that upsets James so much as the fact that he would not have had Anne as his wife. But he must of course realise that he as captain has to retain the respect of the crew, and having his wife walking on deck with another man is no way to do that. Such behaviour will undoubtedly impact upon Onedin's perceived authority onboard, and really, Anne at this stage should know better.

However in the end James puts his love for Anne above any petty revenge or any feelings of jealousy or rivalry he has for Adams, and allows the unfortunate death of George Bethel, which could be construed as murder or at least manslaughter, to go unreported as anything else than an accident at sea. There is though some quiet satisfaction in showing his wife that however much she bleated about the improper behaviour of the captain of the Star of morn, she is prepared to condone, even encourage it when it suits her ends.

ELIZABETH AND ALBERT
In a way, the situation between Anne and James is almost mirrored in his sister and her husband. Misinterpreting Elizabeth's attempts to confess, Albert notes that both he and Daniel Fogarty were her suitors, and she had been expected to have married Fogarty, but that she chose Albert. The shipbuilder though must at times feel a keen pain, even if he denies it himself, that he was not Elizabeth's first love, that he was in essence a second choice (and, he knows, a route of escape from the marriage her brothers had planned for her, and the life of the wife of a sea captain) and that she married him almost more to spite both James and Robert, and indeed Daniel, and to prove she was an independent woman capable of making her own choices, rather than out of love for Albert.

Now, however, she is surprised to find that against all her expectations she has fallen in love with Albert, so much so that she aches to tell him the truth about her unborn baby. In this Elizabeth reveals herself to be more naive than we would have taken her for, as she believes that once she comes clean Albert will be able to accept the child as his. She does not seem to be able to countenance the possibility that he will disown, perhaps divorce her, and she will be back to square one, or worse; for surely she cannot run to Fogarty now? He would have gladly taken her in, and with his own child in her belly maybe he could be convinced, but Elizabeth must by now be looked upon as second-hand goods, and anyway, she has paid him a great insult by marrying Albert instead of him. Is he likely to forget that?

As time goes on and the secret grows it will push Elizabeth and Albert further apart, and to that end it will feature in a new section I'm starting below. Mrs. Frazer may be quite surprised and aghast to realise that, when the truth is known, Albert's tenderly whispered promise that “You'll never lose me, Elizabeth” may turn out to be not quite as solid as she, or he, had expected it to be.

SECRETS AND LIES
Like most families, then and now, relationships are often built, and ultimately too often destroyed, upon secrets which are kept too long and lies which grow to take over the person, and the whole relationship itself. Here I'll be detailing where such things impact the Onedins and their extended family.

Obviously, the biggest of these and the one most pertinent to the entire seven-season storyline will be the true parentage of Elizabeth's soon-to-be-born child. Fogarty does not know it is his, but he will surely find out and when he does will he lay claim to the child? Will Albert be able to accept, when he realises the truth, that his wife married him already pregnant and that his son is not his son? Will be welcome the child as his own, or throw his wife out into the street like a common harlot? And what of James? How will the revelation, when it comes, affect his business and indeed personal relationship with Frazer?

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HISTORY LESSONS
Billy, a lad who embarks on his first ever voyage here, is shown here being “sold into indenture”. It's not as bad as it seems, and was common practice in the nineteenth century. With no real way to ensure their children earned a living and learned a trade, and for those who wished their boys (girls would not of course be considered) to amount to more than they had, a parent could purchase an indenture of several years. This meant that, for a certain sum --- here we're told it's £50 for four years --- a practiced professional like a sea captain would take on a young lad as an apprentice, teach him all he knew and allow him to become a sailor, thus ensuring for him a steady flow of work and perhaps the opportunity to captain or be mate on another ship in the future.

Of course, as we've seen already, life at sea was hard then. Everything was done by hand, from manning the rigging to turning the pumps, and there was little or no time for rest or frivolity. Food was cheap and mostly tasteless, and while at sea the captain's word was law. We've also seen that to some degree a brutal mate could exercise his sadism if he wished, with the law (did they care anyway) days, weeks or months away, and no respite for the one who was the target of the mate's anger. Such a situation involved Adams and Bucko Roberts, though by his account (and Bethel's) he was more or less a bystander in the murder. He was however the one upon whom Roberts decided to vent his anger. James tells of a similar run-in on his maiden voyage, and it would seem that it was more common than we might think. Billy is therefore lucky to be sailing under Baines and Onedin.

A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE
Where there were many hazards. Adams almost loses his life when he loses his grip on the spar and threatens to fall to the deck. Bethel, knowing the secret he carries, is slow to render assistance until Baines roars at him. Besides falling and breaking their necks, we see here too how easily a man could be washed overboard, and there were no attempts at rescue. As Bethel, and later Adams, point out, a captain is worried about only two things: his ship and his cargo. His crew come a very distant third, perhaps even fourth. No effort will be expended for anyone stupid, unlucky or clumsy enough not to be able to keep his feet on deck. “Happens all the time”, remarks James, and there is no rancour in his voice when he says it. An occupational hazard, one of many for the brave or desperate men who took on the ocean in those creaky wooden sailing ships.

There are many nautical terms used in this series, as you might expect, and it seems that with the amount of work they had to do breath would be at a premium, so many words and phrases were shortened. Here the word “forecastle”, referring to the forward section of the ship wherein the crew basically lived --- slept, ate and occasionally, very occasionally, relaxed --- is shortened to “fo'csl”, which is pronounced “folk-sil”.

TIGHTFIST
Or not, as the case turns out to be. Although we've come to know him as a hard-bitten, uncompromising man driven by profit and occasionally greed, there is the odd time when James will surprise us. Here, he interviews a lad who wishes to be indentured (see “History Lessons", above) as an apprentice on the ship, but explains that his father was killed in the Crimean War and that his mother has been trying to save the money to allow her son go to sea as an apprentice but has only managed to save approximately £32 of the £50 that is required.

The lad delivers his mother's regrets for any inconvenience, realising that he cannot sail if the money is not paid, but James, in a rare moment of soft-heartedness, and perhaps seeing something of himself in the boy, agrees to accept what his mother has saved and allow the lad to sail. The lad, Billy, is delighted and runs off to get the money. Of course, once he's been at sea a few weeks he may not be so happy that he was able to join the voyage: a life at sea was no easy proposition, and not for the faint-hearted, the feckless or the lazy.

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1.7 "Adele"

It's one year before the events that have taken place and Thomas arrives home to find that Adele has attempted suicide. Back to the present and Serge and Toni are on the run from the police, walking through the forest but in circles. Lena has made it home to her family, and Victor takes Pierre to see little lights shining on the lake. There is no explanation as to what they are, but Victor thinks they're pretty. Pierre then takes Claire to his storeroom, where he shows her all the food and supplies he has stockpiled, as well as a goodly amount of weapons. She is shocked, but he tells her they may need to defend themselves soon.

Laure and Julie have renewed their relationship, and Julie tells her lover that she thinks she may also be one of the dead: she almost seems to wish it were true. With no power places like the Lake Pub and the American Diner are deserted, and Lucy tries to convince Simon not to continue pursuing Adele. At the Helping Hand, Vivianne Costa tells Camille that she starved to death when the original dam burst, but Camille cannot believe her as she has given three separate accounts of her death to different people. She then rather smugly tells Camille to look in the storehouse, where she finds the hanged parents of one of the children. Camille now feels responsible for their deaths, and knows that what Pierre was asking her to do is wrong.

It turns out that Laure lives next door to Adele, and Victor begins playing with Chloe on the trampoline. As they jump they talk, and as kids do they try to outdo each other. When Chloe says her father is an angel come back for her, Victor tells her he is dead too, then shows her a vision of her mother's suicide attempt. Shocked, thinking it's real and happening right now, the girl faints and falls off the trampoline. They can't revive her. Simon goes to talk to the parish priest, to try to find out if he really did commit suicide, but the police have been alerted and take him into custody. Lena's father takes her to the Helping Hand, reuniting her with her sister and mother. Lena is now much more accepting of Camille, but is disturbed to find some sort of lesion growing on her sister's neck.

Julie notices the marks on Victor's arms, but he will not offer any explanation. When Laure, who was away at the time of the incident involving Victor and Chloe, but is now investigating with Thomas, hears that Victor was involved, she rushes to her house where Julie begs her to help them escape. In the middle of a ceremony to commemorate the two parents who died, Sandrine collapses, blood pouring down her legs. Chloe regains consciousness, to Adele's relief, and tells her mother she saw her attempt to kill herself. Meanwhile, Simon is beginning to manifest lesions of his own, and when he picks at them the skin comes away in flakes. Toni and Serge find their way down to the lake and try to cross it, but when he surfaces Toni seems to be alone. There is no sign of his brother.

For reasons I've not been able to work out, Laure decides to take her two passengers back to the village, recrossing the dam, and then stops on a bend. Or, it could be that she can't get out, that some supernatural force is stopping the car getting out of the cursed town, sending them in circles. She does look surprised and offers no explanation as they stop on the dam as night draws in. Lucy turns to see a crowd of silent figures looking at her in the pub, and smiles as if she has been expecting them.

QUESTIONS?
What are these odd growths appearing on both Camille and Simon, and possibly already on Victor?

Can Victor show visions of people's deaths? Has he control of the mind?

Why did Adele try to kill herself?

How did Vivianne Costa die, and why is she so evasive about it?

Who are the odd figures seen in the Lake Pub, and are they same, or linked with, the ones Lena came across in the forest?

Where has Serge gone? Did he drown? Can the Revenants, like vampires of myth, not cross water?

CONNECTIONS
There seems to be a definite connection emerging between the miraculously-recovered (or dead) Lucy and the other Revenants. What role has she to play in the final act here? She led Simon out of the hospital and then made love to him. Can she be trying to raise an army of the dead? She has seemed odd from the beginning, and even when stabbed didn't seem really that surprised. Perhaps she had been expecting this. Perhaps this is, unconsciously, why she found herself drawn to the village a year ago. She certainly seems clearer in her mind now as to what she has to do.

WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE
We learn more about the dam, that it broke originally, some time ago --- guessing about thirty years; Vivianne says she died shortly before Victor --- and that great hardship followed. People ate animals and pets to survive, and quite why it was so long before any relief arrived is not explained, nor indeed how long it was. In addition to the water level dropping there are now strange lights playing out upon the surface of the lake.

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
Seems Pierre's plan has backfired badly. In encouraging Camille to tell the parents of the other children that their loved ones were safe and waiting for them to join him, she has inadvertently put the idea in the minds of one set of parents that they should literally join him, and they hang themselves. This was a bad idea from the start, but typical of religion. Priests, popes and cardinals have lied to us down the centuries, twisting Christ's words, or those of Mohammed, or whoever you believe in or are told to, to suit their own agenda. God wants you to fight in the Crusades. God says homosexuals are an abomination. God demands you believe in him or we'll burn you. And so on. Man is at his very best an imperfect vessel for the words of God, if you believe in such, and to deliberately lie to the parents here, even if the aim was to comfort them, is at best a bad decision and at worst a reprehensible one.

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2.1 “A flight to remember”

(Tagline: “Filmed on location”) Um, yeah… slow start guys…

In an uncharacteristic gesture of goodwill and generosity, Professor Farnsworth has booked his entire crew a holiday aboard the mighty starship … Titanic! It’s on, wait for it, its maiden voyage, but Leela is less than pleased when she learns who is to captain the ship! As she is going to be trapped with Zapp for the entire trip Leela has to think fast as they board and he greets her with the usual sexual innuendo, and she tells him she has a fiance, and that fiance (after some agonised choosing between he, Farnsworth and Zoidberg!) is Fry! Branigan is not impressed. Neither are the crew when they realise that though the Professor, Zoidberg and Hermes get to travel first-class, they are on “The Fiesta Deck”, which is below Steerage and deep in the bowels of the ship. Bender’s attention is drawn by a lovely lady robot, but by the time he retrieves his eyes, which have literally popped out, she is gone. He meets her again though when he visits the casino, and they strike up a friendship. She tells him her name is the Countess de la Roca.

Branigan decides the course plotted for the Titanic is “a course for schoolgirls” and works out a new one, one which will take them right through a field of comets. Amy is distraught to find that her parents are also on the ship, and immediately try their usual matchmaking tricks, so Amy too decides to pretend Fry is her boyfriend. This could get ugly! Meanwhile Hermes is reminded of the big tragedy in his life, when he was competing in the 2980 Limbo Olympics and unintentionally encouraged a young kid to limbo like him. Unlike the practiced Hermes, the child’s back was not strong enough and it broke. Hermes has never limboed since. Fry and Leela are invited to the Captain’s Table, which is not great as it puts Leela in close contact with Zapp and she must maintain the pretence of being in love with Fry. Things get worse though when it turns out that Branigan has also invited the Wong family, who expect to see Fry cozying up to Amy!

Luckily (or not) he’s saved from choosing who to kiss when the ship hits something and Branigan reluctantly leaves the table. Kiff shows the captain that the comets are getting increasingly close and more haphazard as they move further into the field, but Branigan sniiffs and turns the ship towards what he takes to be a calm section of space, little realising it is in fact a Black Hole! Leela meanwhile is jealous despite herself that Fry, to please Amy’s parents, is pretending to be her boyfriend. Just then the ship gets pulled into the gravitational embrace of the black hole, and Branigan abandons ship, leaving Kiff in charge.

With nobody to guide them the passengers start to make their way to the life pods, and Bender goes back to save the Countess. Luckily she can float, and manages to take them both to safety as the lower decks fill up. As the crew rush to the lifepods an emergency airlock door shuts, but Zoidberg manages to jam it with his claw, preventing it from shutting, but there is only an inch or so of a gap left. The space is way too narrow for anyone to get in and operate the release from the other side: anyone that is other than an Olympic Limbo champion! And so Hermes confronts the ghosts of his past and reconciles with his demons, saving them all. As they make it to the liefpods Amy’s parents appear and introduce her to the latest prospect for her love life, a captain no less. When she sees Kiff though it’s love at first sight. Fry, Leela and the Professor want to wait for Bender --- “The higher gravity must be slowing down his looting”, Leela opines --- but there is no time. He gets there with the Countess just as the pod shoots off, and manages to grab onto the rail, getting dragged along, but the extra weight is slowing down the pod. They begin to fall back towards the black hole.

Then the Countess slips, loses her grip and falls into the maelstrom. The pod begins to move out of the gravitational pull of the black hole and away to safety, but Bender has lost his love.

QUOTES
Mayor: “As Mayor of New New York it’s my pleasure to introduce the honorary captain for the Titanic’s maiden voyage. A man who singlehandedly defeated the Retiree People of the Assisted Living Nebula, Zapp Branigan!”

Bender: “Well I’m tired of this room and everyone in it! If you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go over to the casino for the next one hundred and thirty-five hours.”

Bender: “Wait! My cheating unit malfunctioned!”

Countess de la Roca: “I’m surprised to see another robot in First Class. Most of the robots I meet are labourers.”
Bender: “I assure you, I barely know the meaning of the word labour!”

Zapp: “Kiff, I am feeling the captain’s itch!”
Kiff; “I’ll get the powder, Sir.”
Zapp: “No, the itch for adventure!”

Kiff: “But Sir! That course will take us right through a swarm of comets!”
Zapp: “Ah yes, comets: the icebergs of the sky!”

Amy: “Mom! Dad! What are you doing here?”
Mr Wong: “We were planning on enjoying a relaxing vacation, but since you’re here we’ll have to do some meddling.”
Mrs Wong: “We met the nicest boy in the cabin next to ours.”
Mr Wong: “He’s not very ugly!”
Mrs Wong: “You should marry him, or at least use him to conceive a grandchild for us!”

Countess de la Roca (indicating the jewel Bender had been about to rob): “Lovely, isn’t it?”
Bender: “Yeah, but only ninety-three percent as lovely as you.”
Countess: “Oh Bender! Either that was a computing error or you’re the most romantic robot I ever met!”

Zapp: “Your attention please. As captain of this vessel the terrible burden of naming a limbo champion is mine and mine alone.”
Kiff: “Shouldn’t you be steering between the comets?”

Kiff: “Captain, may I have a word with you?”
Zapp: “No. Go away!”
Kiff: “It’s an emergency Sir.”
Zapp: “Come back when it’s a catastrophe!”

Zapp: “We’ll simply set a new course, for that empty region over there, neat that blackish, hole-ish thing…”

Zapp: “Don’t blame yourself Kiff: we were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.”
Kiff: “That’s surprisingly noble of you Sir.”
Zapp: “No, it’s noble of you, Kiff. As of now you’re in command. Congratulations, Captain!”

Fry: “You’re going back for the Countess, aren’t you?”
Bender: “All right I am. But I don’t want the others to know. So if I don’t make it back say I died robbing some old man.”
Fry: “I’ll tell them you went out prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.”
Bender: “I love you, buddy!”

Countess: “Bender! You risked your life to save me!”
Bender: “And I’d do it again! And maybe a third time. But that would be it.”

Countess: “One day you’ll meet someone and you’ll share your love again. After all, it’s shareware!”

PCRs
In the time-honoured tradition of launching ships, Branigan smashes a bottle against the side of the Titanic. Only they don’t have a bottle, so he take the Head of Leonardo DiCaprio in its jar and smashes that against it instead! The head of the surprised star of the “Titanic” movie rolls away, forgotten about.

Bender grins, as he rolls the dice, “Baby needs a new pair of feet!” Usually people say shoes, but Bender doesn’t wear shoes.

Of course, it’s very loosely based on the movie so you can expect a lot of parodies, and the first is when Bender emulates DiCaprio painting his lover in the nude, though Bender creates a robotic schematic of the Countess, of course.

Next is the “king of the world!” scene, but the Countess being a robot Bender is unable to hold her up and his arms fall off and she drops through the deck.

A ROBOT CALLED BENDER
Ah, Bender! You can take the robot out of the thief but you can’t take the thief out of the robot. Unless you reprogramme him, I guess. Even though Bender is attracted to the Countess, he can’t resist picking her pocket when they first meet, and when she goes to “freshen up” in her cabin, he rifles through her drawers until he spots a jewel he can steal. However he does change his mind, fixing the gem instead around her wrist. Ah, true love! Bender is also prepared to risk his safety to rescue her as the ship goes down, and we all know that if there’s one person Bender loves above all else, it’s Bender!

This is the first time Bender has a romantic relationship, but it will not be the last. The various assignations will change him in subtle ways, though never completely or even that noticeably. After all, this is Bender we’re talking about here!

Interesting note: Just realised that the associate producer’s name is Claudia de la Roca, surely where they got the Countess’s name from? J. Michael Straczynski does much the same in Babylon 5, naming people, things and even battles after famous people, or people he admires.

Thoughts from the Suicide Booth (with apologies to Exoskeletal)

A new section I'm introducing in which anything I want to say which does not fit into any of the usual categories I use for Futurama (or, possibly, other series: I may expand this. I may not) can be put.

In this first edition I'd just like to point out that this episode marks the first of several parodies that would characterise much of the show in later seasons. Up until now, the writers had not actually taken a premise and lampooned it, other than references to the movie and TV series "The Odd Couple" in season one's "I. roommate". But here they take on Cameron's blockbuster, updating it for space and the 31st century. It's a great effort but does make me wonder could they already have been a little short on ideas as they moved into their second season?

Later they would parody "Willie Wonka", "The Shining", "The day the Earth stood still" and "One flew over the cuckoo's nest", to name but a few. Of course, in between they had some incredibly well-written and hilarious original episodes, so they certainly had the talent and the imagination. I just wonder if they were beginning to fall into a dangerous "Family Guy" type cycle of homage-turned-ripoff that could have damaged their reputation?

Towards the end of the first run (first cancellation) they seem to have pulled away from this idea, perhaps realising that what the audience wanted was not more parodies and in-jokes, but more original episodes. Don't get me wrong: this is a great episode, but so much of it is taken up with mocking the film that it's sort of hard to concentrate on the, for want of a better phrase, Futuramaness of it...

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Astronomer

Love Futurama, Trollheart! I also love that this episode is the "start" of many things so to speak, like the fact that Kiff and Amy's relationship was meant to be a once-off joke but ends up reoccurring many, many times in future episodes!

Keep up the great reviews

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Trollheart

Hey Astronomer! Welcome to my journal: great to have you along!

Yes Futurama is (or was) one hell of a show with just about everything. I think this was the first episode that highlighted the fact that sometimes Bender could be unselfish, as in when he goes back for the Countess, but I love the way he asks Fry to say he was robbing some dying old man! Also is this the first introduction of Amy's parents? I think it is, leading up to that hilarious "Where the buggalo roam" episode.

Best of all though is later on, where Kiff says to Branigan "You remember that incident with the Titanic?" and Zapp says "Yes it was in all the papers", as if he only read it there and had nothing to do with it. What a guy!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Unknown Soldier

What's happened to Blake's 7?

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

Astronomer

^ Yeah I love those aspects of the episode as well! Still watch Futurama regularly, was one of my fav shows.

And I've been lurking your journal for a while now...

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