Trollheart

Santa with muscles (1996)

This one’s so bad they don’t even have a picture of it on IMDB! Yeah, but it can’t hide from me! I tracked it down, interestingly under the legend “This is a real movie!” Hard to believe, but yes it is. Starring that old Christmas favourite, er, Hulk Hogan, you just know this is going to be as bad as it sounds. They couldn’t even be bothered to try to come up with a snappier title. I mean, “Santa with muscles”! Doesn’t even scan. They could have called it “Big bad Santa”, or “Santamania” or even “Hulk Hogan is Santa” --- crap yes but at least they’re better than what they decided to plump for. Maybe the will to live was already deserting them. I know how they feel. So does IMDB…

An evil millionaire (Hulk Hogan) gets amnesia and then believes that he is Santa Claus.

Of course he does. Let’s see, did the hulkish one manage to pressure, embarrass or trick anyone famous into appearing in this particular piece of celluloid genius? No,not really. Though Ed Begley Jr pops up in it, and Family Guy’s Meg, Mila Kunis, decides she wants a little more limelight and accepts a role. Wrong movie to choose to make your play for stardom, honey! You’ll garner more fans as Meg! Again though there’s an interesting character in the cast, which fits in perfectly with the idea of this movie and Hulk Hogan starring in it: “Cop with bazooka”. Pity he didn’t use it to blow this awful turd of a film to kingdom come!

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KNOCK-KNOCK!
Y-ello? Who is it?

Goons!
Goons?

Hired goons!
What ---- umppffff!



Ah, excellent! Ah-hoy-hoy there, dead readers --- oh dear, did I make a typo? DID I? Please all remain where you are, there is no escape.

It’s about time you people had a real view on Christmas. This chair-moistener, er --- Smithers! (Trollheart, Sir) --- Ah yes, Trollheart --- has been spreading far too much Christmas cheer across his blasted journals, and I aim to stop it. Now you will learn the true meaning of Christmas, as I peruse the local televisual periodical for his wretched island home --- Ireland? What sort of a name for a country is that? --- and show you just how depressingly little there is on the electronic picture box this yuletide season. Yes, it’s true!

Come with me now as we throw aside all this ridiculous joy and peace, and discover jsut exactly how tedious, repetitive and boring the Christmas televisual fare is, this year and every year. Time to spend

So, what have we first? Let’s look, shall we, at the “run-up to Christmas” as they so charmingly call it. Since this dweeb lives in that backward island I can only take note of the drivel that will be clogging up his cheap flatscreen, taking valuable time away from playing Business Tycoon IV on Xbox, a pastime everyone should be involved in. Especially Deathmatch. Oh yes! The corporate world is a cut-throat business, you know! MWA-HA-HA-HAAAA!

Do excuse me, I get a little overwrought when I take on my “gamer persona”, as it were. Just don’t run foul of me near Wall Street, I warn you: my musket is rapid-fire: it can launch TWO projectiles within four minutes! Yes, I thought you’d be impressed. Just don’t push me, that’s all. Anyway, to the TV rag. They call it the RTE Guide? What in blue blazes is that? RTE? Really Terrible Entertainment, must be. (Trollheart: It stands for Radio Teliefis Eireann, which is Irish for Radio and television of Ireland) --- What? How did you get back in? Where are my hired goons? Goons! Bah! Never mind: this button, properly pressed, will release the hounds, so I suggest you begin running…

Ah there he goes! Always amusing how they think they, with only two legs, can evade a four-legged --- well, there you have it. I suppose I’ll have to have that painted over. Again. Oh well. Where was I? Oh yes. To the periodical!

As I don’t intend to spend my youth (what? How dare you! I don’t look a day over ninety!) pandering to the likes of you, I won’t be doing this every day up to Christmas. Ah, employees don’t just fire themselves, you know, and someone has to make up those little packets that make it look like they’re getting a fat bonus when in fact there’s --- but I digress. Again. Let’s try --- this page!

Saturday December 21st eh? Well it’s the first page of the damn thing, and that makes it four days before Christmas Day, so why not? Let’s see then what sort of balderdash they’re throwing your way for you to lap up like the hungry animals you are --- ah, sorry! Just talking to the hounds there you know (not bloody likely!) --- they get so lonely, in between chasing trespassers and ripping them to --- ah! Here we are!

Coal, Frankenstein and Mirror: an Irish Nativity --- RTE One --- 11:45

Sounds jolly! Oh look how clever they were with the title. It’s supposed to be gold, frankincense and myrrh and they … yes I think we get the idea. What’s it about then? Damned if I know, but if you want to catch it you had better not be a slugabed: they’re showing it at 11:45. In the morning! Who’s up that early? It’s practically midnight! Bah! What else?

The Sting --- RTE One --- 15:30

Yes, jolly seventies caper starring that Newman chap and his friend Redford. Nominated for many Oscars. Probably. I don’t know! Go look it up if you’re so interested! I’ve better things to do!

Disney’s A Christmas Carol --- RTE One --- 18:30

Ah yes, the so-called “Big big movie”! One of no doubt a score or more of showings of Dickens’ classic, this time with little cartoon figures running around trying to learn the meaning of Christmas. Bah! Humbug! Totally biased against the poor old miser, just trying to protect his money from all the greedy Christmas carollers and annoying well-wishers this time of year. Always hated that movie! Hmm. This one stars that delightfully funny chap from “The Mask” --- Carrey is it? Drew Carrey? Something like that anyway. I’m sure you don’t care, I know I don’t! Next!

Could we survive a mega-tsunami? --- RTE Two --- 19:20

Not if I was in charge, we couldn’t! Well, you couldn’t: I’d be already long gone in the rocket ship Smithers is overseeing the final touches to in the --- ah, not that there is any rocket. Smithers? Who is Smithers? The blurb runs thusly: “Hollywood-style graphics and real-life archives bring home an imagined near-future scenario, all based on cutting edge science.” Hah! Sounds delightful: all those little people running for their lives while Mother Nature swamps and crushes them and destroys their homes! Now that’s the kind of Christmas I want to see! I’ll be “Sky-plussing” that. Whatever the devil that means. Smithers knows all about these technical doodads. Why do you think I keep him around? Anyhoo, this is on at the same time as the movie, so you’ll have to choose, or record one and watch the other. Or record both. Or watch neither. Do what the hell you like, I don't care! I know which I’ll be watching though!

A man for all seasons --- TG4 --- 1:00

Don’t even ask what TG4 stands for. All you need to know is that ninety percent of the programmes are in … Irish! Oh stop it! My sides! They really will split. Again. That was most unpleasant for all concerned. But wait just a moment! Isn’t this just a cheap rip-off of my movie, “A Burns for all seasons”? How dare they! Smithers! Phone the studio immediately! What? Made in 1966 you say? I see. Have work commence on the time machine: we'll see who has the last laugh here!

The Bible --- TV3 --- 21:00

Ah yes, well where would Christmas be without old Jesus himself?They always have to ruin the festive season by bringing that chap in. I really don't understand why people think he's so importnat. Oh well, always a good time to trot out the old --- wait a moment though! This is new! Well, to these ignorant Irishmen anyway. A mini-series, made this year no less , being shown over several nights. Sounds interesting. Must tell the Prince of Darkness about this one --- now what’s his hashtag again? #SatanRocks. Hmm. How unfortunate. Still listens to Showaddywaddy, you know. Still, he’ll be interested to see how he looks onscreen. Especially that desert scene. I believe it was most uncomfortable out there, waiting for the son of God to get himself out there and then the insults poor Lucifer had to take … I swear, try to help someone…

Strictly come dancing live finals --- BBC One --- 18:30 and 20:40

If you enjoy the sight of nubile young ladies showing more than a little ankle as they get whirled around by nubile young men (Smithers! Stop that! Behave yourself man!) then you’re going to have to be careful, as Aunty Beeb has rather carelessly sandwiched the two finals in the nation’s favourite dancing competition between the godawful “Atlantis”, so you may end up seeing it inadvertently! Mwa-hahahha! And I know how bad it is! Best to set the videoplus, Smithers says. Great Caesar’s ghost! I can see that young lady’s underthings when her partner swings her around! Smithers! How do you work this recordathon again? Oh nothing, really, just asking… no! No! Don’t delete! Damn and blast it!

The many faces of Ronnie Barker --- BBC Two --- 22:00

Bah! The Two Ronnies were bad enough, the One Ronnie is worse. Now we have to suffer through a tribute to the one who has shuffled off this mortal coil? Humbug! Humbug I say! One face is too many! Why are these things always on at Christm --- oh, quite. That’s what I’m trying to show you happens. Well, this just proves my point, doesn’t it?

The unforgettable Frankie Howerd --- UTV --- 1:00

I forget who he was. Heh heh. No, really, I do. When you get to my age...

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix --- UTV --- 18:30

Bah! One Harry Potter movie is much the same as another. Snivelling little do-gooder going around bothering my friend Voldermolt! What did he ever do to Potter? Little interfering brat! He wouldn’t be so smart without his magic!

Come dine with me --- Channel 4 --- from 16:30 to 18:35

Really? Almost a whole day of watching people stuff themselves with food, and complimenting each other on how well they cook? Dear lord, I hope none of these people ever show up on my doorstep. Come dine with me, you’ll be heading to the emergency room with food poisoning if I have anything to do with it!

And just to complete the reasons to avoid Channel 4 on this day (or any day really)

Deck the halls --- Channel 4 --- 19:15

I believe Trollheart has already outlined how bad this movie is in his “25 worst films” section, and for once I agree with him. Avoid at all costs.

Four Christmasses --- Channel 4 --- 21:00

And this one. Two words, my friends: Vince Vaughn.

And that is just an example of the stellar programming the various channels --- or “stations”, as the backwards locals often call them over here --- are working on to make your Christmas one to remember. Or forget. Heavens only knows what they plan for the big day itself! Take my advice: throw you television out the window now, avoid all that --- what? No, I don’t believe the truck idling outside your window is mine… my logo you say? Well, that is interesting. Driver looking up at your window, holding a cellphone as if waiting for instructions? Excuse me just a moment: I have to take this call. Back soon with more reasons not to bother with the idiot box this Christmas.

Toodles!

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Trollheart

Prancer (1989)

If this wasn’t a Christmas movie (barely) that would sound more like the title of some film about a gay man who risks everything to become a ballet star. Or something. But it is a Christmas move (barely) and it is about the reindeer (sort of) who has a bit part in that song, as explained by IMDB, who are at this point I think getting tired of our copying-and-pasting their hard-thought-out plot summaries. fuck ‘em: it’s Christmas, or will be soon. Season of goodwill, so they had better just accept it or we’ll kick their heads in.

Jessica, the daughter of an impoverished farmer, still believes in Santa Claus. So when she comes across a reindeer with an injured leg, it makes perfect sense to her to assume that it is Prancer, who had fallen from a Christmas display in town. She hides him in her barn and feeds him cookies, until she can return him to Santa. Her father finds him and decides to sell him to the butcher, not for venison chops, but as an advertising display.

Heartwarming. eh? Why doesn’t she think it’s Rudolph? After all, he’s the most famous reindeer of all, according to Bing Crosby and a hundred other crooners who remind us every Christmas about the exploits of the nasally-challenged one. ot evah hcum Why not Dancer? Comet? Vixen? Donner or Blitzen? Why choose the gayest reindeer of all? Cos she’s a girl? Cos it sounds good? Cos I don’t care? Well I don’t. Did anyone else?

Let’s see: Sam Elliott, kind of know him. Cloris Leachman? Isn’t she or wasn’t she Karla in “Cheers”? Yeah, that’s about it. Not even any funny characters. Plenty of “Boys”, and a Mr Wood is the best I can come up with. No, I agree, it’s not that funny. About as funny as the backers of this movie must have felt when it nosedived at the box office, assuming it ever got there. Oh look! With staggering lack of hindsight and an almost admirable determination, they made a sequel. In 2001. Right. Some people don’t know when to stop flogging a dead reindeer (sorry).

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An American Carol (2008)
God loves America. This is an undisputed fact. At least, if you’re American. God is good. Santa is good. Santa therefore also loves America. Quite obvious really. erom rof uoy Michael Moore does not love America. At least, not if you’re a neo-Conservative, Tea Party member or card-carrying Republican. Santa therefore does not love Michael Moore. Michael Moore is Scrooge.

Thus runs the rather skewed and partisan logic that leads to the premise of this particular Christmas turkey, where a miser, thinly disguised but clearly based on the maverick film-maker and scourge of presidents of the USA since 2001, is taught the meaning of Christmas. Take it away, IMDB!

An anti-American filmmaker who's out to abolish the July Fourth holiday is visited by three ghosts who try to change his perception of the country.

Rather surprisingly, this is written by one of the Zuckers, who brought us such comedy classics as “Airplane!” and “The naked gun”, and hosts some heavy hitters, including Dennis Hopper, Leslie Nielsen (no real surprise there), Kevin Sorbo and … Kelsey Grammer? Surely he didn’t need the money? Or the screentime? Also poking their noses in to deliver the Word according to Bush and Reagan are country superstar Trace Adkins (yeah), Jon Voight and James Woods. Oh, and Paris Hilton, as if anyone cared.

What's even weirder though is that although this is basically marketed as a Christmas movie (as if you couldn't tell from the title or the Scroogeisms) they use Independence Day as the holiday Micheal Moore, sorry, the protagonist wants to abolish. Why? Cos Christmas ain't American enough? Ah, God bless 'em, huh? Makes you sort of thankful for Obama, no?

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Trollheart

Now that we've managed to remove Mister Burns from the building (I'll be back! Just you wait! I'll bide my time, let you twist in the wind, and then, when you least expect it...)
Yes yes! Bake him away, toys! Anyway, now we can get back to properly looking at what is on the telly over Xmas, and despite what Burnsy says, there are some great shows that are almost always on over the festive period. Here's another.


The nightmare before Christmas (Touchstone Pictures, 1992)

One of the greatest animated movies ever. Toy Story? Nah, this is miles better mate. A splicing of comedy and semi-horror as we visit Halloweentown, where Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King, inadvertently discovers Christmas Town, and is so taken with it that he decides to have Santa captured so that he can take his place and experience the joy of the festive season. But of course he gets it all wrong and it really does become a nightmare, as the folk of Halloween Town have no idea what makes a good gift --- “No, no! That’s been dead too long! That will never make a present!” --- and don’t even know what Christmas is, beyond the picture Jack paints for them.

Conceived in the fertile imagination of Tim Burton, it’s one of the few of his films I’ve seen that doesn’t star Johnny Depp, with supremo composer Danny Elfman taking the main role instead --- God damn it! In addition to being a musical genius the guy can sing! Is there no end to his talents? --- and bringing the Pumpkin King alive as both a sympathetic and a tragic figure. ni eht gnimoc Great soundtrack of course, as you’d expect, and peopled with some amazing characters, this is just the movie to put on, pretending it’s for the kids when you actually want to watch it yourself. Be warned though: you’ll find yourself singing the oh-so-catchy songs well after the end credits have rolled!

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Jack Frost (1998)
No, not David Jason’s well-loved detective in a Christmas special. This is the charming tale of a deadbeat father who decides that after he’s dead is a good time to make amends to his son, and what better way to do that than to come back as a scary, supernatural and living snowman? Talk about the perfect Christmas present! Not. Take it away, IMDB! Yes, I know I said that already but it’s getting harder to write these links, so sue me!

A father, who can't keep his promises, dies in a car accident. One year later, he returns as a snowman, who has the final chance to put things right with his son before he is gone forever.

Fairly makes you fill up, doesn’t it? Mind you, what exactly this waster of a dad thought was going to happen when the snow melted away is anyone’s guess. Slip down the local for a bevy or ten, methinks! Oh yeah, it stars some big names too. eno. I dluow Michael Keaton, once of Batman and Beetlejuice fame. Mark Addy, who is currently annoying us as the hapless Hercules in “Atlantis”, and Kelly Preston. Also some names from the music world: Henry Rollins, the two Zappa kids and Trevor Rabin of Yes. Hell, even the late Stevie Ray Vaughan gets a credit, though they apparently use “archive footage”. First I’ve ever heard of that, and I don’t like it. Rather in the same way that I don’t like this movie.

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All I want for Christmas (1991)
Sassy kids and Christmas just go together, don’t they? God save us! Is this the seasonal version of “The parent trap” mixed in with liberal doses of “Home alone” (doesn’t matter whether it’s the original or any of the three sequels, they’re each as bad as the other) or what? Tell me more, IMDB!

"All I Want For Christmas" is a comedy about two New York City children who launch a hilarious scheme to get what they most want this holiday season. Ethan, a practical older brother, and adorable Hallie, who knows how to charm her way out of a difficult situation, are intent on spending Christmas with their parents, Catherine and Micheal, and grandmother Lillian. As Ethan and Hallie embark on their adventure, almost nothing goes exactly as they planned. Complicating things is a smarmy businessman named Toney Boer, who has taken an interest in Catherine. Ethan, meanwhile, is preoccupied with not only his parents' romantic dilemma, but also his own - one brought about by his new friendship with Stephanie, his first teenage crush. What evolves is an elaborate scheme involving mice, telephone calls and an ice-cream truck, as Ethan and Hallie try to achieve their goal with the help of Stephanie. The duo's primary obstacle is their mother's fiance, Tony. The children finally succeed with a little Christmas magic from Santa Claus.

And there you have it. You have been warned. There is another movie of the same name released in 2007, though I can’t say if it’s a remake, and would you believe a third one due this year? This one is so new that IMDB don’t even have a basic summary of it up yet, so for all I know it could be a rewrite of this.

Who’s in the original, I hear you ask? ekil ot hsiw No, I definitely heard you ask. You did. Well, someone did and it wasn’t me, unless you think I can throw my voice. What? What picture of me and a ventriloquist’s dummy? Where on the internet, exactly?Well anyway, the question has been asked --- not important by who --- and must be answered. So: Scott Wolf is in it. You remember him from that “Tenth kingdom” thing, don’tcha? Oh, and of course the obligatory Leslie Nielsen, a man who’s made a career in comedy out of not being funny. The original Straight Man. Also Lauren Bacall, amazingly. Thought she was dead? Bet she wishes she was after appearing in this! And that’s about it, luckily.

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butthead aka 216

I anxiously await to see if Jingle All The Way makes this list.

Trollheart

Season 2 "Like life, only better!"

2.2 "Better Than Life"

Holly’s joke (another rib-tickler. Not) "Loneliness weighs heavily on us all. Personally the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we are over sixty billion miles away from the nearest Berni Inn."


Rimmer is delighted with his first attempt at cookery, although both Lister and the Cat have other ideas! Rimmer complains about the scutters, claiming that they are members of the John Wayne Fan Club, and that it is "not the way spanners behave in my book!" Holly informs them that after three million years pursuing Red Dwarf, the post pod has caught up with the ship as it turned to make the journey back to Earth: he points out that three million years is about average for second class post! Rimmer and Lister go through the contents, noting the newest films, newsreels, sports and TIVs: Total Immersion Videos, which are so advanced that they can make the players feel as if they are really in the game. There is also a video letter for Holly, from Gordon, the eleventh generation AI on board the Scott Fitzgerald: the two are carrying on a game of chess.

Sorting through the post, Lister comes across a demand from the Outland Revenue for 8,500 pounds, and Rimmer smiles "How are you going to pay that, Lister?" Lister, however, tells him that it is Rimmer's, not his. Then he comes across a letter to Rimmer, which is from his mother, advising the hologram that his father is dead. Rimmer takes to the isolation of the Observation Dome at the top of the ship, and Lister joins him there, to try to console him. But whereas Lister believed that since Rimmer has taken the news so badly, he was very close to his father, Rimmer explains that he hated him! He tells Lister that his father had an obsession that all of his sons had to get into the Space Corps, and went to such lengths as stretching them all on a rack, so that they would not be beneath regulation height for the Corps, as he himself was.

Lister and the Cat invite Rimmer to join them in a TIV, and although he is not initially interested, this changes when he sees a newscast about Better Than Life, a TIV which can apparently detect all the player's dreams and fantasies, and then make them come true. Finding the game in the pile that came in the post pod, they have Holly plug them in and they are on their way...

Better Than Life does indeed live up to its name, allowing the trio to do anything they want, any way they want. Rimmer finds he is able to touch things again, and in addition to meeting Yvonne McGruder, his one romantic liaison ever, he becomes an admiral, and spends some time with his officer chums, dazzling them all with his repartee, as he had always dreamed he would. Lister and the Cat are not doing so shabbily either: Lister enjoys a caviar vindaloo and Don Perignon in a pint glass, and the Cat is dating both Marilyn Monroe and a half-human, half-fish woman called Miranda.

However, things begin to go very badly wrong for Rimmer: having been, as he sees it, treated so badly and despised by the world throughout his life, his brain is unable to cope with the concept of nice things happening to him, and he begins to upset the fantasy world. McGruder becomes pregnant, and has seven children, all in one day, and Rimmer is reduced to a drunken, beaten, henpecked wreck. Then the final ignominy: Outland Revenue catch up with him, with a final demand for 18,000 pounds! But when Lister goes to pay the bill for him, he finds that Rimmer's self-destructiveness has expanded to include his friends, and all of Lister's money has vanished. Things go from bad to worse, until the three are forced to terminate the game.

Best lines/quotes/scenes

“Is nothing sacred?”
LISTER:” Oh! The new Friday the 13th movie -- Friday the 13th part one thousand six hundred and forty nine”
RIMMER: “Look, Casablanca! They've remade Casablanca!”
LISTER: “Philistines. I mean how can you remake Casablanca? The one starring Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley was definitive!”

Holly plays deep-space chess…

HOLLY: “Strike a light! It's Gordon!”
RIMMER: “Who's Gordon?”
HOLLY: “He's the eleventh generation AI computer aboard the Scott Fitzgerald. He's got an IQ of eight thousand.”
GORDON: “Awlright, Hol? (The voice belies the IQ estimate.) It-- It's Gordon.”
HOLLY: “Awesome, his intellect, I'll tell you.”
GORDON:” I'm just sending on the latest move in our chess game. My move is Pawn, right -- that's the little knobbly ones down the front -- Pawn to King four. Your move. Well, I'd better sign off now. See you, Hol. Bye!” (Waits some time and the image still remains on screen.) “H-How do you turn this off then?”
LISTER: (Turning off GORDON) “You were playing postal chess with him were you?”
HOLLY: “Well! A chance to lock horns with an intellect of that calibre, I'd be a fool not to. Pawn to King four eh? He's a sly one.”
LISTER: “So who's winning Hol?”
HOLLY: “Well, he is really. That was the first move.”

Rimmer gets annoyed that Lister has more mail then he does, though he maintains most of it is junk.

RIMMER: “You send off for every bit of rubbish going, you do. Just so you'll have some mail to open.”
LISTER (counting the mail out):” Me. Me.”
RIMMER: (Silly voice) “Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.”

Outland Revenue!

LISTER: “Me. Me. Smeg! Outland Revenue!"
RIMMER: (Sucks in breath and becomes very cheerful.) “Oh oh oh oh, Outland Revenue!”
LISTER: “Eight thousand five hundred?”
RIMMER: “Eight thousand five hundred?” (Happily) “That's a lot of tax isn't it, Lister? How on Titan are you going to pay for that, eh?”
LISTER: “I'm not.” (Pause) “It's yours.”
RIMMER: “What?” (Jumps up.)” No. This is wrong. It's wrong. This is well wrong, Lister.”
LISTER: “Relax! It doesn't matter now. They're not going to catch you now are they?”
RIMMER: “What do you mean? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us!”

Rimmer’s letter from home. Being a hologram he can’t open it so asks Lister to, and to read it to him. Lister complains that the letter, from Rimmer’s mother, is very hard to read as her handwriting is terrible.

LISTER: "I write to-- I can't read that. Oh, I write to inform. I write to inform you that your father is dad. Well of course he is. Maybe it's your father stroke dad.”
RIMMER: “It's dead.”
LISTER: “I can't make it out.” (Holds letter up and examines it.)
RIMMER: “My father is dead.”
LISTER: “What?”
RIMMER: “My father is dead”.
LISTER: “Oh yeah it's an E!” (Happy to have solved it.) “That's what it is. Your father's dead, Rimmer!” (Realises what he's said.) “Oh, eh -- I'm sorry.”
RIMMER: “Is that all she says?”
LISTER: “Just that, He passed away peacefully in his Jeep.(Looking at the letter again) "...sleep."

The Cat puts his foot in it…

CAT: “Wow!!! My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry. Hey, there you are! Hey man, I'm so hungry, I just have to eat!”
LISTER:”Shhhhh. Not now, man. Rimmer's dad's died.”
CAT: “I'd prefer chicken.”

News surfaces about the Bible:

NEWSREADER: “Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitous and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.”

The Cat tries to make amends for his insensitivity earlier…

CAT: “About your father. If it's any help, he's in the ground now. Sure it's bad news for him. But on the other hand it's party time for all the little worms!” (Wiggles his fingers.)

Rimmer meets his hero in “Better Than Life”

RIMMER: “Excuse me. You're probably really busy but could I just say you are my all time favourite fascist dictator? I've read all your war diaries and I thought your Italian campaign was simply brilliant. Err, could you just sign this for me. Err, make it out to my good pal Arnie from your dear chum Napoleon Bonaparte. It's not for me, it's for my sister Alison. Errm, we call her Arnie.”

Cat is happy with his wardrobe

CAT: “Yeah? Well you should take a look at my wardrobe. It's so big it crosses an international time zone. When it's three o' clock where my shirts are it's seven in the morning for my socks!”

Rimmer tries to tell a funny story but has no punchline

RIMMER: “So, I said to Hollister ... well, I can't actually remember exactly what I said to him. But it was one of the most enormously cruel and frighteningly witty put downs ever.”

Cat has two girlfriends. What? Only two??

CAT: “We're having a really nice time. I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also I have another girlfriend who's a mermaid. She's half woman, half fish.” (He starts licking and kissing a photograph then turns round.) “It's Miranda, my girlfriend.” As she comes out of the water we see the top half of her is a fish, the bottom half is a woman.
HOLLY: “Somehow I'd imagined she'd be a woman on top and a fish on the bottom.”
CAT: “No! That's a stupid way round!”

Outland Revenue! Sir…

TAXMAN: “Mister Rimmer?”
RIMMER: (Weakly) “Yes.”
TAXMAN: “Mister Arnold Judas Rimmer?”
RIMMER:” Yes.”
TAXMAN: (Smiles) “Outland Revenue, sir!”
RIMMER: “Oh my God!”
TAXMAN: “This is a demand for immediate payment.”
RIMMER: “Eighteen thousand?”
TAXMAN:” If you are unable to pay, sir, I am instructed by the Revenue to break both your legs and pull off your thumbs--” (twitches) “--sir.”

PCRs
Surprisingly none. I mean, there are references, but everyone knows who Marilyn Monroe is and the Outland Revenue is obviously the Inland Revenue (IRS to our US friends) so there’s nothing really to talk about. Instead…

CREATING THE FUTURE
Like many sci-fi shows, Red Dwarf often accurately predicted, whether intentionally or not, future developments, mostly in technology. In this section I'm going to note these "predictions", and how accurate or not they were.

Here we’re introduced to TIVs, Total Immersion Videos, games so real that there actually exists a breed of person called “gameheads” who are addicted to them and stay in them. You see, TIVs are insidious, particularly Better Than Life. The game wants you to keep playing it, so its artificial intelligence chip helps to make you forget it’s a game and tricks you into thinking that what you’re experiencing is real. Well, who wouldn’t want to stay in a world where your every dream, wish, fantasy can instantly come true?

Trouble is, while your brain is in there enjoying itself your body is not getting the care, exercise, food and medical attention it needs, and those who end up trapped in BTL often die, their bodies wasting away almost forgotten, a situation which caused the game to become banned on most planets. But as ever, a large black market flourished and you could get the game if you were prepared to pay, and risk the legal implications, to say nothing of the health ones. This was of course all back three million years ago, before mankind died out. Now the game has resurfaced, possibly the only one or maybe there are a few, still winging their way in seriously late post pods to other ships in deep space, unaware and uncaring that the crews of these ships have long turned to dust. But Better Than Life is still as addictive, still as dangerous, and really, though they snap at him the guys really have Rimmer to thank for their lives. Without his screwing up their perfect in-game world, what incentive would there have been to have returned to the lonely, stark emptiness of a hum-drum, boring, empty life, especially for Lister?

In fact, in the novels this is exactly what happens. Lister at first decides to stay in the game, then over time forgets that it is a game, and again it’s Rimmer who has to rescue him before the body of the last human alive wastes away. Although such addictions are, hopefully, far in the future yet, we have already seen since this show was transmitted first the rise of insanely popular computer games like Everquest and World of Warcraft originally, and now Call of Duty and its ilk, where people spend hours, days even essentially plugged in to the game, doing nothing else. Addictive gaming is a very real threat in our modern world, and with the quality of graphics in games these days it must be hard indeed at times to realise you’re playing one and not watching a movie, or indeed taking part in what you’re watching. I don’t game so I can’t say, but I have heard tales.

We haven’t quite got to the point of plugging our brains in to games yet, but surely it can’t be that far down the line? Who needs controllers, joypads, even computers? Just link in to the game universe, log on and you’re there. Exciting, but scary stuff. The thing to remember is that it is, will be, just a game, and that’s easy to say, but when you consider a game like BTL, where quite literally you can do anything you want --- own a mega corporation, marry the girl (or girls) of your dreams, be a rock star, change your sex, explore space… hell, you could probably meet God if you wanted to! Come to think of it, you could probably be God! --- and compare that to your real-world, ordinary existence, well… Unless you’re already a tycoon, rock star, or God, you’re going to find it very hard to leave that imaginary world behind. And why would you? The game keeps throwing new treats your way, everything happens as you would like it to, and you get everything you ever wanted in life. And all you have to surrender in return is your soul. Well, your body, but it’s equivalent to making a deal with the devil really. All of this can be yours…

So while perhaps pushing the concept a little further than we have at the moment, Grant and Naylor did sound a note of warning about the addictive qualities of computer and video games that has filtered into our society and is becoming a growing problem. Kids these days have probably the strongest thumbs and weakest legs in history, as they sit on their sofas, beds or chairs staring at a TV screen or computer monitor, promising themselves “just one more game” and knowing deep down that there will always be one more game. Not exactly prophetic of course, but over the run of the series the writers certainly touched on some ideas that more or less came to pass, usually with less hilarity than they do in this series.

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Trollheart

The Christmas pageant (2011)
Okay, I admit I know nothing about this movie, but just look at what IMDB has to say about it:

When a temperamental Broadway director is fired from yet another job, she is forced to direct a community Christmas pageant.

Okay? Case closed I think. The only person of note is the star, Meliisa “Bruce Boxleitner” Gilbert, and that’s probably how it should stay. I have nothing furhter to add.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018