Trollheart

1.8: "Beloved infidel"

Frasier and Niles, having dinner, are interested to see that their father is at the same restaurant, with a woman. As they watch covertly though, the woman breaks down and leaves. The date, if date it was, has not gone well. As Martin's dinner partner leaves the boys realise that they recognise her as Marion Lawler, a figure from their youth. They then also remember that their parents had a big falling-out with the Lawlers, and start to worry what that might have been about. Niles digs further and they uncover some further evidence which seems to point towards the possibility of their father having had an affair with this Lawler woman. Just then Martin walks in and under some duress seems to confess that yes, he did have an affair. He says he's not proud of it and asks them never to talk about it again.

Frasier seems crushed by the revelation. He has never had the sort of relationship with his dad that he might have liked, but he always respected his integrity. The truth though comes out when Marion Lawler comes to call, and tells him that it was in fact his mother who had an affair with her husband. Frasier realises that his father has been protecting his wife's honour. He tells Martin he now knows the truth, and reveals a truth about himself, that he too has been cuckolded. Martin finds it amazing that anyone could love Lilith, other than Frasier, but at least now the two men have finally something in common.

Note: Interestingly, it's not made clear as to whether Frasier passes on what he knows to his brother. Perhaps Niles still thinks it was their father who had the affair? Though as he seemed less broken up by it than Frasier was, maybe it's better left that way.


QUOTES
Niles: "Sorry I'm late Frasier, but the entrance to your parking garage was blocked by a cab driver with a ponytail scraping gum off his backseat."
Frasier (to Roz): "Madame, your chariot awaits!"

Frasier: "Well, we've got a free evening. Sounds like the perfect chance for a couple of guys on the loose to hit a sports bar, take in a game, sink a few brewskis!"
Niles: "Right. What shall we do?"
Frasier: "Dinner?"

Niles: "Oh no! I don't like this at all!"
Frasier: "Why? What's wrong?"
Niles: "I just realised: if dad's eating here it can't be a very good restaurant!"

Frasier (reading from Niles' journal): Though summer at the lake seems but a vapid, vacuous experience, it is a necessary tonic for my troubled youth. Niles, how old were you when you wrote this?"
Niles: "Almost nine. Which explains the redundancy: vapid and vacuous. By ten my writing had become considerably tighter."
Frasier: "Along with a few other things."

Frasier: "You are not calling Aunt Vivian!"
Niles: "Why? Are you afraid you'll find out something?"
Frasier: "Yes! That she knows where I live and she still drives!"

Niles: "It's at times like this that families draw together, draw strength from each other. (Pause) What shall we do?"

Frasier (to Niles): "Doesn't it bother you that your father cheated on my mother?"


THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
Roz tells Frasier she has a date, but he notices she only has one shoe, asks if the other one got damaged. She returns with "No, I'm dating a sea captain with a peg-leg, and this makes it easier when we're dancing!" Zing!

When Niles drops in on the station he as usual doesn't recognise Roz. He asks her "What are you doing here?" to which she replies "Oh nothing! I was just passing by and thought I'd stop in for a career!" He doesn't get it though, as he grins "Good luck!"

FAMILY
Well it kind of concerns all the Cranes, this one. We learn in a roundabout way that Hester, Martin's wife and mother of Frasier and Niles, had an affair when she was younger, and that Martin, rather than sully her memory for the boys, when confronted with their detective work and its somewhat inescapable conclusions, takes the blame, pretending it was him who had the affair. This episode serves to show us a few things. One, that the boys, though they regularly laugh at their father's "ordinary joe" ways, love him and respect him, and the possibility of any impropriety on his part is completely alien to them. It also shows the depth of love and respect Martin had for his wife, that he is willing to let his children think that it was he who had the affair. Finally, it shows that, with their scientific and inquisitive nature, neither Frasier nor Niles can allow a mystery to go unsolved, even if it leads them into dark places. This trait will surface again later.

DAPHNE
We hear for the first time (I think) of Daphne's brothers, all of whom "worked down the docks" in Manchester, except for one, Billy, who decided to teach ballroom dancing. It's interesting to note that, straight-talking and hardnosed as she can be, facing realities head-on, Daphne is blissfully unable to see the simple truth that Billy is quite obviously gay, even if everyone else can. In matters of her family, or some of them at any rate, she is as blind as a bat.

NILES
More of the younger Crane's little quirks are revealed in this episode, and we see that some of them started when he was very young. He seems to have had some aversion to direct sunlight, a mortal fear of flying things like bats and moths, and wrote at age nine like an accomplished author of three times that age. He laughs when he reads what he has written, grinning that by the time he was ten his writing had improved considerably.

AND ISN'T THAT...?
Danielle, the frustrated French caller in the opening sequence, is voiced by JoBeth Williams.

1.9 "Selling out"
New character! See below. Just don't say her name aloud three times...


Frasier is upset that he is being asked to promote a particular Chinese eatery on his show, so he asks his family for advice, and on that advice decides to take them to the restaurant, to see if he can truthfully say that he enjoys the food there. The night goes well and Frasier begins doing the promo, which results not only in the restaurant's client base improving but in his falling foul of a cut-throat agent who will over the course of several seasons take him through Hell and back. Ladies and gentlemen, pleased to meet her? Hope you guessed her name! It's BB Glaser, agent for Bob "Bulldog" Brisco, who has seen fresh meat in the shape of Frasier and wishes to become his agent.

Although Frasier resists her advances she presses him, citing the rising cost of college tuition when she hears about Frederick. And so begins a marriage forged in the fires of Hell, as Frasier advertises everything he's asked to. He does however cling to his ethics, insisting in testing everything he endorses to ensure he likes it. This leads to problems when BB secures a TV ad for a certain brand of nuts, and apart from the fact that he does not like nuts, Frasier points out that they're unhealthy and bad for you, and as a doctor he cannot endorse this product. Greed wins out though, and before he knows what's happening Frasier finds himself in a TV studio, preparing for the ad. Then he sees the script and does not like it. He's getting less comfortable with it by the minute.

Having spoken to Niles, he decides against doing the ad and his place is taken by Dr. Joyce Brothers, playing herself.


QUOTES
Frasier: "Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of equipment known as the tunnelling electron microscope. Now this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesemally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem!"

Daphne: "What about Doctor Sneezy's cold remedy?"
Frasier: "Doctor Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus should have tipped you off!"

Frasier: "I don't know: what's the word I'm looking for?"
BB: "What word? Tuition? Beachhouse retirement?"

EGGHEAD
Professing that he wants no special treatment at the Chinese restaurant, Frasier decides to book under a false name. However when he can't get the table he wants he mentions who he is, and suddenly doors open. Despite his wanting to appear ethical and not trade on his name, he's prepared to drop that line once it no longer fits in with his plans. His ethics are, at least in this case, and in others which will crop up, somewhat malleable and open to negotiation.

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
When Frasier congratulates himself over using "have you a yen for Chinese food?" as a pun, she is quick to point out that Yen is the Japanese currency, so his analogy is inaccurate at best, insulting at worst.

FAMILY
DAPHNE
Here we learn that in her youth the fiesty care worker once starred in a British TV sitcom --- quite popular in its day, perhaps you've heard of it? "Mind your knickers"? No? Probably just as well.

MARTIN
Although sometimes he will, most times Martin will not try to sway Frasier's opinion or decision --- or Niles' --- and here he seems to stay out of it, but at the end you can see he's relieved that his son has not sold out by advertising something he not only does not believe in, but has actively advised against. He tells Frasier that Frederick will thank him, and though we're led to believe he did do the advert, it turns out that Martin is saying Frasier's son will thank him for retaining his integrity and providing a good example.

NILES
Whether it's pique, jealousy or an honest opinion of his brother, Niles makes no bones about the fact that he does not think that what Frasier does is real psychiatry. At best it is "pop medicine", at worst showmanship and sensationalism. He compares him to Sharon Stone in "Basic instinct", telling Frasier that "they've already looked up your skirt and seen everything there is to see." This somewhat childish attitude towards his brother's profession will continue on through the series, as he believes himself a "proper" psychiatrist compared to Frasier's radio talk show host version.

AND ISN'T THAT...?
Roger, the caller for whom even the electron microscope would not be powerful enough to locate Frasier's interest in his problem, is voiced by Carl Reiner.

1.10 "Oops!"

Rumours abound at the station that KACL is way over budget and someone is for the chop. Roz reasons that it may be Bulldog, and when Frasier repeats this possibilty back to Father Mike, who has been worried about his own show, as fact, Bulldog just happens to be listening. He rushes off to give the station manager a piece of his mind --- "He can't fire me! I'll quit!" --- but Roz is aghast, telling Frasier that he took her gossip as the truth and that, surprise, surprise, she was wrong! The meeting Bulldog is meant to be going to with the station manager is to discuss taking his show nationwide! Far from being fired, he's basically to be promoted!

But by the time Frasier gets to the manager's secretary it's too late: Bulldog has let loose and there is no coming back. When Frasier gets home Martin asks him what happened to Bulldog? He tuned into the sports show but Bulldog wasn't there. Frasier, embarrassed, tells his father that Bulldog quit but avoids the fact that it was his fault. Daphne, however, says she detects "an aura of guilt" around him and he has to come clean. Martin is furious and tells Frasier he must get Bulldog's job back: he's not listening to Father Mike on the sports show every day!

Frasier puts forward the theory that maybe this could be the best thing that happened to Bulldog, push him to realise his dreams. Just then Bulldog appears at the door, telling them that not only has he lost his job, but his girlfriend kicked him out and Bulldog has no home now. Frasier puts him up for the night and the next morning goes to see Miller, the station manager, renowned for his bad temper and lack of people skills. Miller agrees they need Bulldog's ratings, so if the little guy will apologise he'll give him his job back. However...

Turns out there is someone still for the chopping block, and it's Frasier himself! But before Miller can make this official he gets a call to say that he has been fired, so Frasier's job is safe. Frasier can barely contain his smugness when Miller snaps "God I wish I'd fired you when I had the chance!"

QUOTES
Niles: "I must go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags!"

Bulldog: "Hey! Where are my tickets to the Sonics game? Someone stole my tickets to the Sonics game! This stinks! This is total BS! This ---" (Reaches into his coat pocket) "Oh! Got 'em!"

Bulldog: "I did it! I even told him about the time his wife came on to me at the Christmas party! I said there ain't enough liquor in the world to make me sleep with that porker!"

Roz: "The whole point of gossip is to talk behind the man's back, not in front of him! I didn't realise you were unclear on this concept!"

Niles: "I have to go. Maris is despodent: they kicked her out of the cast of "Cats"."
Daphne: "Why?"
Niles: "She couldn't remember the words to "Memory"."

Miller: "He said that I'm a drunk, I'm incompetent. That my wife is a big fat slut!"
Frasier: "That is indefensible! Your wife is not overweight!"

FAMILY
MARTIN
Honour has always been a watchword for the Crane family, at least as far as their father is concerned, so when he discovers that not only is his son responsible for getting his favourite radio personality fired, but that Frasier intends to do nothing about it and will not admit he is to blame when Bulldog comes by, he makes sure that Frasier does the right thing. As we saw in "I hate Frasier Crane", Martin expects his sons to stand up and do the right thing, whether that is taking on a bully, keeping their word or putting right something for which they are responsible. Maybe it comes from being a cop, or maybe it's just how his family have always been, but Martin Crane despises few things as much as cowards and hypocrites.

AND ISN'T THAT...?
Don, the caller who can't undrestand why he can't lose weight and is calling from a fast-food drive-in, is voiced by the one and only Jay Leno.

1.11 "Death becomes him"

The boys and Daphne are worried that Martin has swerved his latest examination, and wonder if there's something the old guy isn't telling them? But it seems he just doesn't like his own doctor, so Frasier makes an appointment with him with a new one, and to make sure he keeps the appointment accompanies him there. However they are left waiting and Fraiser is annoyed, until he discovers that the reason the doctor has not arrived at work is because he has died.

Frasier immediately begins to obssess about his own health. The doctor was close to his own age, and Frasier now worries that the same thing could happen to him. After going through the ritual of setting his affairs in order, he determines to go to the funeral and find out all he can about the man. But try as he might he can find no reason for the doctor's death: he was a health freak, exercised, ate well, had no underlying condition or history of ill health in his family, didn't smoke or drink coffee. Frasier is totally frustrated, however he comes to realise that his time would be better spent at the wake by trying to help his widow understand why her husband has died.

QUOTES
Martin: "She? Oh no! If any doctor's gonna make me bend over I wanna look through my legs and see wingtips!"

Frasier: "Dad! What if I die tomorrow and you and Niles have an argument over ..." (Looks around) "that African mask, for instance?"
Martin: "It'll never happen. Niles, you can have it."
Niles: "I don't want it!"
Daphne: "Don't look at me: I throw a towel over that thing when you're not home!"

Daphne: "I'm a healthcare provider. I've had me fair share of patients die on me."
Martin: "That's a comfort!"

Martin: "Frasier, you've got something on your bathrobe."
Frasier (finding a sticker): "Niles! The vultures are circling..."

Frasier: "You can't spend your life being obssessed by death."
Mrs Newman: "You're not Jewish, are you?"

THE DRY WIT OF ROZ
"Well, just because you're 41 and I'm ... not"

Frasier: "Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion we end up talking about your sex life?"
Roz: "Because I have one!"

COP TALES
A new section where I'll recount some of Martin's stories about his time with the Seattle Police.

Here, he talks about a drug bust he was on during which the first guy through the door got shot dead. He worried about it, it having been the first time one his buddies had died in front of his eyes. It affected his work, his home life and he knew he had to get over it or he never would. He decided that every door in future he would just go right through it, not even thinking. Unfortunately, the next door he went though was the one where he got shot, which kind of spoils the story!

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Season 2 "Like life, only better!"

2.1 "Kryten"


New character! Well, sort of. Although the mechanoid Kryten only features in this one episode, and lends his name to the title, he will return from season three onwards and become a core member of the crew, although played by a different actor and looking much different to the way he is in this episode.

Holly’s joke (not a very good one): “As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?”

Rimmer is still trying, after eight years, to master Esperanto. Lister is better at it than him, and he is somewhat annoyed. Holly, however, tells them both that he has devised a system to revolutionise music: he has added two new notes. Then he tells them the real news, that he has picked up a distress signal. Rimmer is convinced that it is aliens, but Lister points out that Rimmer blames everything on aliens, no matter how mundane. When they make contact, however, it is an earth ship, the Nova 5, which the onboard mechanoid, Kryten, tells them is crewed by three female officers who are in need of medical attention. Rimmer declares that they will rescue them, pretending that he is the captain of the ship.

With the prospect looming of the first contact the three have had with female company in three million years (and in the case of the Cat, the first ever!), Lister, Rimmer and the Cat prepare themselves to greet the women, putting on the Ritz. Even Holly gets in on the act! When they arrive at the Nova 5 however, they find to their disappointment and shock that the three female officers are dead, and have been dead for centuries: they are three skeletons sitting at the table! After convincing Kryten that his charges are dead, they take the mechanoid back to Red Dwarf, where Rimmer immediately takes advantage of the opportunity to have a live-in servant: Kryten is a service mechanoid, built and designed to serve, and is only happy when performing service for others, and Rimmer ensures that there is plenty for the latest addition to the crew to do.

Lister points out to Kryten that Rimmer is not in charge, nor should anyone order him to do anything; Kryten should have his own mind and do what he wants. Trying to get to the heart of the mechanoid's desires, Lister discovers that Kryten dreams of planting a garden somewhere, and he tells him to find a planet with an atmosphere and do it. Kryten however seems unable to break his programming, despite Lister taking him to see Easy Rider and The Wild Ones.

However, Kryten is finally pushed to break the mould of servitude and while painting a portrait of Rimmer, he decides he has had enough, and rebels. After caricaturing Rimmer in the portrait he pours paint in his bed and then takes Lister's spacebike, leaving Red Dwarf to find his own destiny.

Best lines/quotes/scenes

Rimmer tries to learn Esperanto:

WOMAN: "Mi esporas ke kiam vi venos la vetero estos milda."
RIMMER: "Wait a minute, I know this one, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me!"
LISTER: "I hope when you come the weather will be clement."
WOMAN: "I hope when you come the weather will be clement."
RIMMER: "Lister, don't tell me. I could've got that."
WOMAN: "Bonvolu direkti min al kvinsela hotela?"
RIMMER: "Ah... I remember this from last time..."
LISTER: "Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?"
RIMMER: "Wrong, actually. Totally, utterly, and completely wrong."
WOMAN: "Please could you direct me to a five-star hotel?"
RIMMER: "Lister, will you please shut up?"
LISTER: "I'm only helping ya!"
RIMMER: "Well I don't need any help."
WOMAN: "La mango estis bonega! Dlej korajin gratulonjn' al la kuristo."
RIMMER: (Snaps his fingers) "I would like to purchase that orange inflatable beach ball and that small bucket and spade."
WOMAN: "The meal was splendid! My heartiest congratulations to the chef."
RIMMER: "What? Pause!"
LISTER: "Rimmer, you've been doing Esperanto for eight years. How come you're so utterly useless?"

Lister bemoans the ridiculous amount of work one has to do at art college, the reason he dropped out after less than two hours:

“I thought it was going to be a good skive and all that, you know? But I took one look at the time table and just checked out, man. I mean, it was ridiculous. They had, they had lectures at, like, first thing, in the afternoon. We're talking half-past twelve everyday. Who's together by then? You can still taste the toothpaste!”

Rimmer tries to hit Holly with an Esperanto curse, and of course gets it totally wrong!

RIMMER: “Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston? Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!" (Thumbs his chin at HOLLY) “And I think we all know what that means!”
HOLLY: Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet."

Holly revolutionises music

HOLLY: “Yeah, I've decimalized it. Instead of the octave, it's the decatave. And I've invented two new notes: H and J.”
LISTER: “Hang on a minute, you can't just invent new notes.”
HOLLY: “Well I have. Now it goes: (Singing) Do Re Mi Fa So La Wo Bo Ti Do. Do Ti Bo Wo La So Fa Mi Re Do.”
RIMMER: “What are you drivelling about?”
HOLLY: “Holrock. It'll be a whole new sound. All the instruments will be extra big to incorporate my two new notes. Triangles will have four sides. Piano keyboards the length of zebra crossings. Course, women will have to be banned from playing the cello.”

Rimmer’s explanation for everything: aliens!

LISTER: “Oh god, aliens? Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys -- it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall -- it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day -- you thought that was aliens as well.”
RIMMER: “Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?”
LISTER: “Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?”
RIMMER: “Just 'cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say the don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alienesque like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.”
LISTER: “Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!”

Holly informs Lister that they have run out of cow’s milk a long time ago, and are now using…

HOLLY: “Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.”
LISTER: (Staring at the cup) “Dog's milk?!”
HOLLY: “Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.”
LISTER: “Why?”
HOLLY: “No bugger'll drink it. Plus the advantage of dog's milk is when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.”
LISTER: “Why didn't you tell me, Holly?!”
HOLLY: “What, and spoil your tea?”

Rimmer answers Kryten’s distress call from the “Nova 5”

RIMMER: “Tell them we're coming aboard. By god, we'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer!"
KRYTEN: “Thank you, Captain.” (Ends transmission.)
LISTER: "Space Adventurer?"
RIMMER: “What was I supposed to say? "Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out the chicken soup machine! Actually, we know sod all about space travel but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads!?" That'll fill them with confidence, won't it?”

Rimmer fakes Esperanto to Kryten, who unfortunately speaks it fluently:

RIMMER: (With a painfully nasal laugh) “Ah ha ha. Carmita, carmita!”
KRYTEN: “Ah! Vi parolas Espekanton, Kapitano Rimmer?”
RIMMER: “Uh, come again?”
KRYTEN: “You speak Esperanto, Captain Rimmer?”
RIMMER: “Oh, si, si, si, jawohl, oui!”

The crew break the bad news to Kryten about his long-dead charges:

KRYTEN: (Noticing the silence) “Well, is anything the matter?”
RIMMER: “Anything the matter? They're dead.”
KRYTEN: “Who's dead?”
RIMMER: (Pointing to the skeletons) “They are dead. They're all dead.”
KRYTEN: “My god! I was only away two minutes!”

Kryten does “a spot of tidying-up”

LISTER: (Holding up a pair of boxer shorts) “What are these?”
KRYTEN: “Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.”
LISTER: “No way are these my boxer shorts. These bend! What have you done to the place?”
KRYTEN: “I've done a spot of tidying up.”
LISTER: “But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?”
KRYTEN: “I threw it away, sir.”
LISTER: “But I was breeding that mould. His name was Albert. I was trying to get him two foot high.”
KRYTEN: “Why, sir?”
LISTER: “Because it drives Rimmer nuts, and driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.”

Lister educates Kryten on how Rimmer should be addressed

LISTER: "Mister Arnold isn't his name. His name's Rimmer. Or Smeghead. Or Dinosaur Breath or Molecule Mind. And on a really special occasion when you want to be really mega-polite to him, Kryten, we're talking MEGA-polite, in those exceptional circumstances, you can call him Arsehole."

The Cat outlines why he would never chase a stick:

CAT: “You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? (To an imaginary stick-thrower) Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad why'd you throw it away in the first place?”

PCRs

Thought it might be time to expand the notes a little this season, so I’m taking a leaf out of my book on other series and referencing any Popular Culture References, or PCRs that crop up in the series.

“Androids”: In the opening scene-but-one, Kryten watches the soap opera “Androids” on the vid of the “Nova 5”. Of course, this is meant to refer to crappy Australian soaps, particularly “Neighbours”, a fact reinforced by the poorly-disguised theme tune, the inclusion of “Kylie Android” in the credits and the terrible plotline which runs “Brook Junior? What about Brook Junior? He isn’t your android!” Oh dear.

Clive of India: Lister sneers that Rimmer looks like the famous Englishman who secured Britain’s power in India during the eighteenth century. I must admit, I did not know such a person existed in history when I watched this and thought Lister was paraphrasing Lawrence of Arabia!

Bonehead: One of Rimmer’s nicknames is Bonehead, which may or may not refer to his admiration for Napoleon Bonaparte. Or may just reflect the fact that he is a bonehead!

Chicken McNuggets: Rimmer says to Kryten that the three ex-ladies have less meat on them than a chicken McNugget. Apparently, MacDonalds were annoyed at this slight on their yummy, nutritious food and ordered the word “mc” removed from all US broadcasts! Come on Ronald! We all know they’re talking about your food, with or without the “mac”!

Marlon Brando: As he breaks his programming and faces down Rimmer, Kryten gives the “what ya got?” speech from “The wild one” and effects the same stance, his voice even taking on Brando’s inflections as he revolts.

__________________
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Trollheart

Episode One

In the opening scene we see Hattie Sutton cycle by, dressed as the May Queen, while at least three men, all of whom we will meet shortly, watch her with various possible intentions in their eyes. Some weird Morris-like dancers approach and surround her, but she doesn’t seem threatened and continues on her way. A man dressed like a tree raises his hat and smiles at her as she passes, but when she has gone by his eyes narrow. The next scene is her bike by the side of the road, abandoned, and a long shot into the forest. We see snatches of a girl being pursued.

A woman visits the vet, concerned that her dog is too fat. The vet feels it odd that the woman, Gail Spicer, tells her that her husband, Malcolm, walks the dog every evening, two hours into the woods. She says if Duke were getting this sort of exercise he would not be overweight. Linus, a local teenager watches Caitlin, Hattie's twin sister, making out with some other guy, laying plans to wait till she is older and then marry her. Fiona, a retired police officer, finds the abandoned bike but thinks little of it. Steve, a local man, rushes to stop the festivities from beginning: the May Queen has not turned up yet.

Returning home, Gail finds her husband moping over a huge scale mockup of a village, and challenges him over the alleged dogwalking. He however tells her it’s Duke’s diet that is at fault: she is feeding him on pate, too rich for a dog. Linus returns home, having been chased by local bullies, to find his father, Everett, locking a heavy bag in a cupboard, and being very secretive about it. It becomes pretty clear now that Hattie has disappeared and the police are called. Fiona finds her husband at home, taking a shower and very agitated, angry even. Steve’s brother, Seth, who has some mental problems, wants to go back to the woods, where he intends to stay, being happier there than in the council house he is being encouraged to live in.

Steve goes to visit Hattie’s father, and promises to roundup everyone to help search for the missing girl. It seems he has history with the family. Meanwhile Fiona’s husband, Alan, who is also a cop, storms out of the door. Gail decides to take Duke for “a proper walk”, but when Malcolm realises she’s going to the woods he seems perturbed. Fiona finds blood on her husband’s discarded clothes and sets about washing them. In the forest Duke pulls Gail off-course, towards a structure obviously erected by her husband, a bird hide. From the amount of cigarette butts on the ground around it she realises that this is where he has been spending his time. But what has be been doing? There are ribbons hung up, and dismembered parts of dolls --- heads, arms, legs --- and when she picks up a butt she confirms it is Malcolm’s brand.

Back home she tackles him, and he admits that he goes to the woods to watch birds. It’s clear he’s a man under pressure and has things on his mind about which he has no intention of talking to his wife. Linus meanwhile has his own suspicions, as his father speaks about Hattie in what seems to be a more familiar way than the boy expected; he doesn’t even remember Everett speaking to Hattie, never mind her confiding her deepest fears to him. Asked out on the search, Malcolm refuses to help. Point blank, refuses. Gail however forces him to rethink, afraid of the stigma it will place on the family. Or is it just that?

Seth, meanwhile, remains in the woods and beats a drum, seemingly performing some sort of pagan ritual. The search party break into the home of a listed sex offender living in the area and Steve roughs him up, but Malcolm pulls him away: they have no evidence the man is involved and this is not helping. But the search party is becoming more of a lynch mob as tempers flare and frustrations grow, and when they head into the local kebab shop and find Alan there Steve makes a snide remark about the police not being bothered about finding Hattie. Very brave with about twenty men at his back, indeed.

The search progresses into the woods. Malcolm is the expert on the area, but intentionally leads them astray, away from his hide. It surely wouldn’t look good for him were they to find his little area of the woods, realise he hangs out here and then maybe think back to his initial reluctance to help. In Fiona’s house, we briefly see the shadow of a large figure (Seth?) before the daughter cries out, and a window opening as the intruder runs away. Linus goes to talk to Caitlin, and the tragedy begins to draw them a little closer. She tells him that being Hattie’s twin she knows her sister is dead, even though no body has been recovered yet. Linus talks about his own mother, and says he sees her at certain crisis points in his life, despite her being dead: almost as if she is watching over him.

Going into her husband’s study while he is out searching, Gail notices that the pictures of people protesting against the village Malcolm was developing, and of which all is left now is the huge model, include some of Hattie, and begins to worry. She wants to get into Malcolm’s computer but has not the password. He refuses to give it to her, making her even more suspicious that he is hiding something. In the woods the party find a fire, not too long stamped out, and a crown of flowers, which may or may not belong to the missing girl. Alan returns home, says he needs to talk to Fiona. He tells her tried to help a girl who may have been raped, and she spat blood at him. This, then, it would seem, is the blood she found on his shirt.

Linus talks more about the death of his mother. He doesn’t remember much, as he was very young when it happened. On returning to the house he sees his father is asleep and snags the key to the cupboard, opening it and dragging out the mysterious bag. Just as he is about to look inside though Everett looms over him, punching him and fuming at him for disobeying him. He quickly locks the closet again. In the forest, Steve, alone, yells out for Seth, who is hiding in a tree. Gail looks closer at the village model, and is dismayed to find that one of the figurines that people the model is hanging from one of the trees.

QUOTES
Gail: “People will think we don’t care!”
Malcolm: “I don’t care!”

Steve: “Seth! Seth! What have you done?”
Seth (in tree): “You know what I’ve done.”

Searcher: “I used to think you were a bastard but now I see I was wrong.”
Malcolm: “You weren’t wrong. I’m a complete bastard. A few hours in the woods isn’t going to change that.”

Gail: “What do you need privacy for, anyway?”
Malcolm: “I need to think.”
Gail: “About what?”
Malcolm: “Everything.”

Hattie’s father: “The police keep looking in the house. Upstairs, like she’s suddenly going to pop up from behind the water tank or something!”

SUSPECTS

Already, even though this is only episode one, some very clear suspects are beginning to emerge. But unless they all did it, or had a hand in it, who is the real culprit? Much of what I enjoyed about “Mayday” was the fact that virtually everyone had something to hide, and though in nine out of ten cases that wasn’t abduction/murder, there are some pretty dark stories to be revealed over the course of the next four episodes.

Malcolm: Surely the number one suspect? Why was he so reluctant to join the search? What exactly was he doing in the woods? And, most damning of all, why has he arranged one of his little figures in his mock village in a hanged posture? Earlier, when his wife is badgering him to go out and help look for Hattie, he calls her (Hattie that is) a little bitch. Why? Has he some experience of her? But then again, yes he has: she is someone we find out who was instrumental in the opposition to his building development, which is now in tatters.

Alan: Why was he in the shower, and why was he so impatient with his wife when she pressed him on it? Why would he not let her come in? Whose blood is that really on his clothes? Do we believe his somewhat fanciful story of a girl spitting blood at him? Fiona obviously thinks there’s more to it, as she’s very quick to make sure the clothes are washed, almost as if she feels he may have something to hide, and she intends to help him do so. traehllorT dluow ekil And why isn’t he, as Fiona’s husband and a neighbour, out helping look for Hattie? Steve challenges him on it obliquely, and yes he’s a copper and is tired, with men on the case. But why isn’t he going the extra mile?

Seth: Another major suspect. He’s a big man, seemingly with a low IQ or at least a feeble grasp of reality. He seems to prefer to live out in the woods, and we’ve already seen hints that Hattie was chased into there. Did he see what happened? Or is he in fact the one who took her, perhaps murdered her? What is the ritual he is performing in the forest, and what does he mean when he mutters “You know what I’ve done”? Is that Hattie’s garland found near the fire, the fire he built, or even his own? We’ve seen him at the start wearing one just before the May Queen disappeared. And he obviously has mental issues, as Steve tells him that he has worked hard to get him a house, and he must try to live in it.

Everett: He’s definitely hiding something. What is the bag in the cupboard that he won’t let Linus see, and protects to the degree that he hits his son when he tries to look at it? How did his wife die? Is Everett a serial killer? Why does he not join in the search, and how is it that he professes to know so much about a girl he has, to his son’s knowledge, hardly ever spoken to, if at all?

Linus: Can we discount the troubled teenager? Sure he looks weedy but then we’re talking about a “sweet, innocent girl” here. And he obviously has frustrated feelings for Hattie’s twin. Is it possible he has kidnapped her in order to live out some sick fantasy, wherein he pretends she is Caitlin? Hey don’t knock it: stranger things have happened!

Steve: Although he leads the search party, he’s very keen to place the blame anywhere he can, so you would have to wonder if, given the hinted-at history he has with the Suttons, this guy has something more to hide, and is trying to throw off suspicion from himself? Don’t they say the killer/abductor/rapist always inserts themselves into the search?

SMALL TOWN, SMALL MINDS
If there’s one thing you can be guaranteed about a small close-knit community, it is that they have secrets that they share with nobody, and they don’t look kindly on outsiders. Racism rears its ugly head here, and bigotry too. Okay, so a resident is known to be a sex offender, but Steve has no right to barge into his house and accuse him of abducting Hattie: he’s not the police. Similarly, when the owner of the kebab shop offers to help them search when he has closed up, his offer is waved away dismissively and almost rudely by Steve. When the guy then offers to give them free food though, Steve is the first to increase his order, without so much as a thank-you. In fact, I’d say the self-styled leader of the search team is only one step away from considering the shop owner a suspect because, you know, he’s a foreigner, not one of us, never trusted him etc.

It’s no secret though that Malcolm Spicer has an axe to grind with Hattie, as she publicly stood in the way of the development of the village, something Spicer seems to have sunk all his money and hopes into, and which is now either foundering or dead entirely. One of the guys on the search party praises him for helping with the search, despite the fact that the girl they seek has been a thorn in his side and stood in the way of his plans, and indeed Steve initially when looking for Malcolm’s help says he will understand if Spicer does not want to, given the history of the two families. When it comes down to it though, and Malcolm refuses, Steve calls him selfish and can’t believe he won’t lend a hand, being the man who knows the woods best. Seems in Steve's world, you're either with him, or you're against him.

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Any of you who happened to drop in on my main journal in the run-up to last Christmas can’t have failed to have seen my series of “25 of the worst Christmas albums --- ever!” It was fun, I enjoyed it and this year I’m doing it again --- nah. No way I’m going through that again! And anyway, what would be the point of rehashing the same idea in the same journal? No; much better to rehash the same idea in another journal, and let’s face it I have five to choose from. So what else do you associate with Christmas. Oh yeah.


Now I’m not talking about the repeated-so-often-you-know-every-word movies that are still good, just guilty of having been on far too many times. We’ve all groaned at the fact that “Willie Wonka” is on again, then settled down and relived our childhood memories, singing every song, cheering for the good guys and booing the bad. And we’ve all sneered at the repeats of “Miracle on 134th Street” or “It’s a wonderful life”, but you know, there’s nothing else on and we’re too full of turkey to move and what the hell … and we realise these are also good, classic movies, again just a victim of TV oversaturation every Christmas. But those are not the movies I’m talking about. Some films drive you mad because they’re on every year, not because they’re bad movies in themselves.

But then, there are the other kind. The bad kind. The sort of movies that should never even have been made, and probably wouldn’t have been if they didn’t have the word “Christmas” in them, or a Christmas theme or story that basically just props up a really badly-written and/or acted movie. Movies that make you hate Christmas, or make you long for just one more showing of “Oliver!” or “The snowman”. Movies that have no inherent value or merit at all, and only make you wish whoever wrote, starred in and directed them (and financed them) had taken the time to look at the real Christmas movies, to see how it’s done.

Now I’m no movie critic (Hi, Exo!) so I have no intention of reviewing, critiquing or in many cases even watching these movies. For once, I’m going to be led by popular opinion and told what to think by experts in the field. Hey, they know more about movies than I do: why not? Tying in with the overall tongue-in-cheek nature of this feature, which was and is never meant to be taken all that seriously --- so if you happen to love or rate one of these movies don’t start shouting at me: it’s Christmas. Or soon will be. Take it in the spirit in which it’s intended --- I’ll be giving a very brief outline of the movies, mostly taken from IMDB, letting you know who “starred” in them, and if any actors or actresses who should have known better got conned into performing in them, and throwing in a few of my own mostly badly-chosen comments.

So before you open that TV guide or check your EPG and roll your eyes saying “Oh no! Not THAT one again!” check these movies out and perhaps you’ll end up being thankful for that fourth screening of “The sound of music”. Possibly.

(Disclaimer: Neither Trollheart nor The Couch Potato (™) agree to be held liable should you find yourself not grateful for that fourth screening of “The sound of music”.)

Oh, as was the case the last time, these are in no particular order. Some may be worse than others, and probably are, but I haven’t ranked them or anything.

Elves (1989)
OK well I don’t know whether, if I was ranking them, which I’m not, this should be at the top or bottom, but either way it’s gotta be up there with some of the worst films, not even Christmas films, ever. Just listen to the blurb from IMDB, which is where I’m going to be getting most of my synopses, in a Batlord-style attack of laziness. Again I say, it’s Christmas! You expect me to work?

A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves, an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty, as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus, can save them.

Oh yeah, this has it all. Santa, elves and Nazis. Written and directed by the same guy, what a surprise, and although featuring a whole cast who could easily come under the category of “nobody you know”, it does have some interesting names in it, such as the boy whose surname is Grimm, someone called Winter Monk (really!) and a girl called Heidi who has the dubious distinction of being cast as the “bitchy coed”. Oh man, you couldn’t make this stuff up!

With themes such as rape, racial superiority and, er, horror, this is just the movie to put you in that warm, glowing Christmas holiday mood.

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Fred Claus (2007)

Ah yes, another in a long line of Santa-themed movies, where characters impersonate, disguise themselves as or in some cases actually become Jolly old Saint Nick. This is as you can see somewhat more recent a movie, and because of that you can expect it to be hip and happenin’, or whatever the kids say these days. Sick probably. No wait: that was the previous movie! Here’s what the oracle at IMDB has to say about it.

Fred Claus, Santa's bitter older brother, is forced to move to the North Pole.

Yeah. Says it all really doesn’t it? No doubt ol’ Fred, a two-for-one amalgam of Santa and the Grinch it would seem, loses his crusty distrust of Christmas and learns to appreciate the true meaning of the holiday season. Urgh. Just look who’s in it.

Vince Vaughn. Well, no surprise there. Our man Vince is always up for a low-brow, play-to-the-gallery movie that doesn’t put too much strain on his feeble acting talent and his even less sturdy grasp of comedy. But some of the others are a surprise: Miranda Richardson? Rachel Weisz? Kathy Bates? Kevin Spacey? No, let me just check that again, I obviously got that… no, it’s him all right. Man, he must have needed the money! And yet it’s 2007 so he had already made it big.

What is it about a Christmas movie that can attract big stars, no matter how crummy the film may be? Season of giving, I suppose. Oh look! Frank Stallone’s in it too. Probably the first film he’s done since, er, er … and Stephen Baldwin! And a lot of people whose names end in -ina, -nova or -vitch, presumably all meant to be genuine, um, Greenlanders? Huh?

Oh yeah, and Ludacris, whose name is probably the most fitting for this turkey of a movie, pops in as a, er, rapping DJ elf. Okay I’m done.

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Oh, when will they show anything decent on TV at Christmas? The plaintive, oft-repeated cry of so many of us as the festive season approaches and we start reading, or scanning, to see what’s on that we can watch while digesting the huge Christmas dinners we’ll all be partaking of. And it’s true: there is some garbage on the telly. Christmas is a time when often the channels just trot out any old rubbish, anything to fill up the TV schedules. The History Channel and its various sisters can be the worst. I remember last year one of them --- Nat Geo, Discovery, one of those --- ran one particular programme (think it was “American Pickers”) all day! Nothing else for the entire Christmas Day! Talk about lazy! (No I’m not showing that picture again. Oh, all right then…)

But there is some good news. If you look and plan your viewing there are some gems that are almost always shown around the Christmas period, and though there’s little new, these particular programmes are almost always worth watching, even if you’ve seen them three or four years running. In this section I’ll be advising some of my favourite Christmas programmes, ones I never get tired of no matter how often they show them, and ones I always look forward to. Irish/UK TV only guys, sorry: that’s where I live. The rest of you are on your own!



Blackadder’s Christmas Carol (BBC, 1988)

An oldie but a real goodie. There have been so many different interpretations of Dickens’s classic Christmas story, a story that in fact defined and rejuvenated Christmas, that you’d wonder how anyone could come up with a new slant on it. But between the end of Blackadder the Third and Blackadder Goes Forth the writers of this supremely funny and clever comedy series decided to make a Christmas special, and this was the vehicle they chose to use.

The whole idea of turning the “Scrooge” idea on its head is inspired. Far from being another grouchy old miser who sees the true meaning of Christmas thanks to ghostly visitation and becomes the nicest man in London, Ebeneezer Blackadder is the nicest man in London,who sees the true meaning of Christmas thanks to ghostly visitation and becomes a grouchy old miser! Realising that people have been taking him for a ride all his life, while he thought he was just being nice, Blackadder watches his ancestors, whom the Spirit of Christmas tells him were all "very bad men", and comes to admire them, then hits back when he sees his not very appealing destiny, and decides to change himself for the, er, worse, in order to avoid becoming a “hermit, quiet nights alone with your bible --- your own turnip!”

Rowan Aktinson is of course brilliant as ever. In all but the first series he plays Blackadder as a nasty, scheming though ultimately somewhat hapless individual, so turning nasty at the end is not a stretch for him, but it’s interesting to see him show the nice, simpler side of the character, even if it doesn’t last. Tony Robinson is as ever the dutiful servant, who is aghast when his kind master gives him a present --- “I made it myself. It’s called a fist. You use it for hitting. And you can use it again, and again, and again. Say thank you Mister Baldrick!” --- and can’t understand the change in old Ebeneezer. I won’t give away the ending in case you haven’t seen it, but it’s a typical Blackadder-style comedic twist.

Most of the usual suspects get a look-in, some only in cutaways as the Ghost shows Ebeneezer the lives of his ancestors. So you have Miranda Richardson in her role as Queen Elizabeth, but also as the future Queen Asphyxia, Hugh Laurie as the Prince Regent and Patsy Byrne as Nursie, though sadly there’s no role for Tim McInnerney’s Percy. There are of course some great lines bastardised from Dickens ---- “Tiny Tim isn’t a cripple, Mrs Cratchett! Saying “Phew my leg hurts” and limping when you remember to is not being a cripple!” --- or when she asks him if he has anything for her dinner --- “Mrs C: I thought perhaps you had found me a little fowl? Blackadder: I’ve always found you foul, Mrs Cratchett, and more than a little!” And the “Piggy-wiggy-woo” song has to be seen to be believed! Robbie Coltrane shines as the Ghost of Christmas --- Blackadder: “Can I offer you some tea?” Ghost: “Ye don’t have anything a wee bit more --- medicinal?”

All in all it’s a laugh riot and very clever, so if you haven’t seen it put it on your list and watch for it; it’s bound to be on at some point, probably more than once. For those of you outside the UK, I’d strongly advise buying it on DVD. You won’t regret it and it will make your Christmas just that little bit happier.

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2.3 "Bloodlust"

Investigating a series of murders in Red Lodge, Montana, (also cattle mutilations, though the sheriff refuses to see any connection between the two) Dean and Sam uncover evidence that the town may be host to vampires. One of the victims, a girl, has a set of retractable fangs. They meet up with another hunter, called Gordon, but he seems to know all about the vampire infestation and is protective of his hunt; he doesn't want any help. Though he says it's an honour to meet the boys: their reputation --- their reputation, apart from their father's --- seems to be growing. However they are not that easily put off, and follow him to his next kill, saving him when the vampire pins him down. The duo are now, for the moment, a trio.

For some reason, Sam doesn't take to the guy, acting all suspicious and edgy. He leaves and goes back to the motel while Gordon tells Dean about his sister, who was taken by a vampire. That was how he got started in the hunting game. Sam talks to Ellen, who warns him not to ally with Gordon. She knows him, he's a good hunter but he's bad news. She says he's best left alone to his hunts. He goes to buy a drink, and on the way back to the motel room he is jumped and knocked out. When he comes to he is, not surprisingly, the captive of vampires, but one of them, a female, who appears to be their leader, says they will not hurt him. Lenore tells him that they do not drink human blood, only animal (hence the cattle deaths); it's not perfect and in fact they hate it but it keeps them off the radar of hunters like him and Dean. It's a survival mechanism, a compromise they've had to embrace in order not to be hunted down.

Lenore tells Sam that the vampires are leaving town tonight, and they just want to be left alone. She asks him not to hunt them, and to prove her sincerity she lets him go. When he tells Dean about what he has heard his brother is naturally sceptical. He also doesn't seem to care: "If it's supernatural we kill it," he says, "end of story". But Sam is not convinced. Just because something is supernatural, he tells Dean, does not mean it's evil, and they hunt evil, not everything they can't explain. He tells Dean also that he can see what's happening here: his brother has latched on to the older, more experienced hunter as a father figure, a sort of surrogate for John Winchester. Dean ia annoyed but deep down he knows Sam is right. Sam tells him Ellen warned them off Gordon but Dean will not listen.

They realise too late that Gordon must have been listening to their conversation, and as Sam has described pretty closely how to get to the nest --- even though he was blindfolded he was able to note details of the journey --- the hunter must have gone after the vampires. Dean wants to help but Sam convinces him they should stop him. Gordon meanwhile paralyses Lenore with Dead Man's Blood, and then sets about torturing her to get her to reveal the location of the rest of the vampires. When Dean and Sam see how unnecessarily cruel he is being, bordering on psychotic, they begin to wonder. Dean tries to reason with him, says he understands about the vampire who killed his sister, but Gordon sneers that the vampire didn't kill his sister; it turned her, and he killed her, without a second thought.

Now the boys know Gordon is out of control. He knows about Lenore and her crew not drinking human blood, but he doesn't care. To him, all vampires are evil and it's just an excuse to keep killing. He then says he'll prove that vampires can't change their nature. He slashes Sam with the knife he was about to use to despatch Lenore, and drags him towards her, forcing the bloody arm in front of her. He drips the blood onto her tongue and her fangs extend, Gordon crows in triumph, but Lenore shakes her head, retracts her fangs and turns away. Seeing the proof that she is trying to avoid human blood, Sam helps her get away while Dean fights Gordon, eventually knocking him out and leaving him tied up.

As they take in this new information, Dean now worries if what they have been doing, their cause, their mission, is morally right? What if some of the things they killed did not deserve to die? How blurred the line between good and evil has become, and how black and white have melded together into a very fuzzy grey, a border the boys are going to have to perhaps consider more carefully from now on before crossing over it.

MUSIC
AC/DC: "Back in black"

Journey: "Wheel in the sky"


PCRs
None in this episode

BROTHERS
Whatever misunderstandings they may have, how much they may fall out, even now in the aftermath of their father's death, Dean and Sam look out for each other. After taking out his frustrations on the car last episode, Dean has rebuilt it and is much happier. There are of course sitll tensions between them: Dean has always seen Sam as somewhat less committed to the cause than he is, not least because he came late to the fight and is younger, but also because he's a "college boy", and Dean harbours a sneaking contempt for those better educated than him. He thinks that often Sam thinks too much when he should be just diving in like Dean. So the revelation that these particular vampires are not drinking human blood, and its acceptance by his brother sets Dean's teeth on edge. He can't believe it as easily as Sam, and he thinks his kid brother is being fooled.

But there's more behind it. Deep down, some part of Dean must scream that this cannot, must not be true! If it is, then the boys must question every time they've killed a supernatural being, from Reapers to phantoms, and wonder if they did the right thing, or was it just instinct, instinct which may have been based on a false premise. In an epiphany similar to what we saw in "Angel", the "Buffy" spinoff show, Dean wonders if maybe not everything that is supernatural is evil? If that's the case, they have a lot of cold hard thinking to do. sih sdneirf, dna But if it is the case, then Sam is right, and that must bug Dean as much: that his brother was prepared to allow for the possibility, whereas Dean --- good old straight-talking, straight-shooting, gung-ho Dean --- couldn't even think of such a thing.

Still, when Sam is threatened by Gordon Dean turns his gun on him, and in the end he sees that Sam was right, and helps him to "rescue" Lenore and allow her to escape. But more than that: Dean surely must see in Gordon a vision of how he himself might become --- might already be --- a savage, unprincipled, sadistic killer whose only goal is to kill things. Gordon killed his own sister, and now perhaps he's out for revenge, but it looks like he's just got the bloodlust of the title of this episode and can't stop, or doesn't want to. Rather interesting and surprising too, that in an episode with such a title and being about vampires, it's in fact the human who is the focus of the lust for blood, not the creatures of the night. The chances are that in another life he might have been a serial killer --- the instinct is there --- but being a hunter allows him to indulge his psychopathic predilections without any fear of consequences or punishment. Dean wonders has he really become like Gordon?

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
Vampires, again, plead for the basic right to existence. As we saw in season one, they seem to be willing to coexist with humans, though Luther and his clan don't swear off human blood. Even so, it's becoming apparent that at least some vampires know that to attract the attention of hunters is suicide, and it's much easier to keep a low profile. Even Luther rages that bringing Dean and Sam to their nest will only result in others finding it too. But in that season one episode, John was not preapred to listen to the somewhat plaintive cry of Luther, shooting him dead instead. Here, his sons seriously consider the proposal, and eventually act on it, leaving them with something of a conundrum to sort out, and a big spanner thrown in the works of their mission, which up till now has been crystal clear and unchallenged.

The ARC of the matter
Not really any arc stuff in this episode, although it's likely that since they didn't kill him, Gordon will be back. Whether or not he ties into the arc is something we will have to see. But this episode, like the last one, is pretty much self-contained. There is a shift in the boys' worldview of course, which is important and will impact future episodes, down the line.

2.4 "Children shouldn't play with dead things"

On a visit to their mother's grave, the first time the boys have ever been there, and with considerable resistance from Dean, Sam buries their father's dogtags in the soil and tells his mother that he reckons his dad would have wanted her to have them. On the way out Dean accosts him about the grave of a young girl, around which all the grass has died in a perfect circle, which he thinks is a bit odd. As no pesticide was used on the ground around the grave, what would make every living thing die in a perfect circle around it? Unholy ground? Dean is convinced there's a case to be answered, but Sam thinks he's just avoiding their mother's grave. He goes with him nevertheless when they visit the girl's father, a professor at her school who teaches ancient Greek.

Unable to find out anything that helps them, Dean has a row with Sam who says he's inventing a hunt in order to avoid having to go near their mother's grave. Dean storms out and goes to break in to the apartment that Angela, the girl who died, apparently in a road accident, occupied, but her room mate is there. After calming her down, Dean finds out that Angela's boyfriend, Matt, killed himself last night by cutting his own throat, and that before that he had been saying that he had seen Angela everywhere he looked. Dean begins to think he is actually on to something now. When he tells Sam what he has found out, his brother has to admit that maybe something is going on. Doesn't mean Dean isn't avoiding facing the grave, but rather than just a coping mechanism or a distraction, this so-called hunt he is working on seems like it might be real.

Dean says he visited the boyfriend's house and everything living there is dead --- plants, even goldfish --- but that reading Angela's diary, which he stole, she does not seem the vengeful type. If anything, he says she seems "too nice". While interviewing her friend, Neil, they discover that Matt was inadvertently responsible for Angela's death, as he had cheated on her and upset her. Perhaps if that's the case then Angela's revenge is over, but to be sure Dean thinks they should burn her bones. The fact that she's only a week dead, and they'll have to burn the whole corpse, doesn't seem to faze him as it does Sam. But they go anyway and open her grave. The coffin is empty.

They find strange symbols on the side of the coffin, which Dean recognises as being similar to the ones in the book in the professor's office. They go to talk to him again, virtually accuse him of using necromancy to bring back his daughter --- the symbols were used in ancient rituals to bring back the dead: "full on zombie action!" as Dean puts it --- but he genuinely does not seem to know what they are talking about. He throws them out. Meanwhile, Angela has returned and met up with Neil, and they kiss. When the guys read Angela's diary they realise that if the professor really didn't bring her back, then maybe Neil did. They break into his house and find the basement, with dead plants confirming that this is where the resurrected girl has been staying, but both she and Neil are gone.

When they work out where she has gone, they end up in the home of Lindsey and Angela, the guys having figured out that Lindsey was more broken up about Matt's death than her roommate, so must have been the girl Matt was cheating with. They find Angela there and shoot her with silver, but she gets away. They head to Neil's office, where they tell him they know everything. He tries to misdirect them but they realise Angela is hiding in the cupboard when they see the dead plants. Hatching a plan, they make up a ritual and say they have to get back to the cemetery to perform it. This is partially true: the lore on killing zombies is so confused that they're not sure what is real and what is Hollywood. The silver helped but did not kill Angela --- well, re-kill her --- and now they believe their best hope lies in returning her to her grave and basically staking her into the ground. But to get her there they have to play this elaborate game.

It works. When they've gone, Angela makes Neil take her back to her grave, intending to stop, ie kill the guys, but they are ready for her. She has already killed Neil, believing he was going to leave her, and after a short fight they manage to get her into the grave and pin her there with a long metal stake. She screams, shudders and is still. It's finally over.

On the way out of town Dean stops the car and reveals to Sam that he knows, or suspects, that he's the reason their dad died. He thinks maybe the demon was involved, but he knows that there's no way he could have made that "miraculous" recovery unaided. Surely he remembers the Reaper being possessed by the demon and telling him it was his lucky day? He now thinks that he's just like Angela: what was dead should stay dead. He was as good as dead, and he should not have been brought back. His father --- their father --- paid the price for his survival, return, call it what you will, and Dean now carries the guilt of that, to add to all the other burdens he hauls around with him. Sam is unable to say anything to comfort him, because he knows that the chances are that what he says is all true. It's far too much of a coincidence that just as Dean recovered --- miraculously --- John died, and he knows their father exchanged his life for Dean's.

And there's really nothing you can say about that.

MUSIC
None

PCRS
Dean snarls to Dr. Mason "Haven't you seen Pet Semetary?" The Stephen King book and later movie about reanimated corpses.

Dean says to Sam "Dude, you've been watching too many Romero flicks!" George Romero, famed director of zombie movies such as "Dawn of the dead" and "Evil dead".

WISEGUY
Even with, or perhaps because of, all the tension between he and Sam, Dean can still manage a wisecrack, and when they see Angela is gone from the basement and Sam asks if Dean thinks she has gone after someone, he quips "Nah, she's probably just gone to rent "Beaches"!"

Again, after they shoot her and she legs it: "Damn! That dead chick can run!"

BROTHERS
Sam worries about Dean. His obsession with this hunt, his refusal to believe it's nothing, his avoidance of their mother's grave, it's all building to something, and though he is in the end right about Angela, it all comes pouring out of him at the end of the episode, when he reveals that he feels responsible for their father's death. He isn't dealing, because he can't deal. How can you accept the fact that your father died in your place? How can he feel any different to the zombie Angela, coming back from the dead when she should have been resting in her coffin? That's where Dean believes --- knows --- he should be now. He wasn't meant to be saved: as the Reaper told him, it was his time, and he should have died. But his father did something, made some deal, and Dean lived while he died.

Sam can offer no words of encouragement, because he surely suspects all this is true. He is concerned though, prior to the outburst, that Dean is just lashing out, looking for something to kill, something to take his frustrations out on. Which he is. He almost attacks the professor when he mistakenly thinks the girl's father has brought back his daughter, and Sam has to pull him away before they're arrested. He's seen how Dean was with Gordon, and does not want his brother to end up like him, a bitter, twisted, sadistic killer who glories not only in the hunt but in the kill, and asks no questions as to whether it's justified or not.

The ARC of the matter
Again, nothing specific, though the idea of John Winchester sacrificing himself for his boy is again brought up and into the light, and will in fact prove pivotal to part of the story arc later.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Coming soon!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

The Batlord

I have absolutely no idea why you seem to dislike this. From your description that sounds fantastic. Do you not appreciate "So bad it's good" kind of films or is it just bad bad to the point where it's not even funny?

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Trollheart

The Polar Express (2004)

Two words. Well, four. Four words to chill the heart and snuff out the yuletide fire. Tom Hanks, at Christmas. That’s all that needs to be said. But if you’re in doubt…

On Christmas Eve, a doubting boy boards a magical train that's headed to the North Pole and Santa Claus's home.

Sounds delightful yes? Now I’m aware that many of you may love this film, think it’s touching, engaging, charming. Well you should all be boiled with your own Christmas pudding with a stick of mistletoe in your hearts. Let me just remind you: Tom Hanks. TOM. HANKS! At Christmas! I have nothing further to say.

Oh dear god! Say it isn’t so! Steven Tyler! Steven Tyler as a rock elf! What were you thinking man? You can’t walk that way! Have some respect, for the love of Ozzy! It’s Christmas!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018