The Batlord

The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part VIII a.

I stood on the walls of Wacken fortress with my fellow Defenders of the Faith, gazing out at the poseur army of Metallica as it marched down into the valley towards us. The poseur army was even more vast than we had suspected. At least fifty thousand men were coming to throw themselves against the fortress. We were outnumbered ten to one. Sweet. Fifty thousand dead poseurs would be a new personal best for me. I turned to the man standing next to me, "So I hear that when poseurs play Battleship they're such pussies that they just say, 'My battleship has returned to port and the sailors are having tearful reunions with their families'." The man turned to me and responded, "I was playing Monopoly with this poseur and that bitch started crying when he got sent to jail, so I punched him in the face, took his money, and then banged his girlfriend." Then a third man spoke up, "Dude, I heard that when poseurs play Mousetrap, when they catch the mouse they stick it up their ass." Then I was like, "Naw, man. You're thinking of Richard Gere, but you have a point. That dude's done way too many movies with Julia Roberts to not be a poseur. But enough of that, the poseurs are almost here."

When the poseur army finally reached the wall the entire valley was black with their numbers. Just shy of bow range they stopped and a single poseur rider approached and spoke, "The great and valiant Lord Hetfield greets you and bids me to give you a chance to surrender! If you put down your weapons and acknowledge his sovereignty then you will be shown mercy and your lands will be safe! If you resist then you will all be destroyed and your land will run red with blood! What say you?" I came to the edge of the wall and shouted down to him, "Hey, buttwhipe! You think we're gonna trust that fucker ever again after he said that St. Anger wouldn't suck? I ain't acknowledging shit 'til Lord Homofield apologizes for that abortion! That shit gave me a ball rash! Obama needs to quit fucking around with Al-Qaeda and launch a drone strike on that threat to national security! Pedophiles are better than St. Anger! You tell that poseur fuck what I said and get the hell off my lawn!" With that our army cheered, "DEATH TO POSEURS! DEATH TO FALSE METAL! GLORY TO THE BRAVE!", and the poseur lackey fled in terror from the glory of True Metal. The poseur army now started forward and the Battle of Wacken finally began.

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