Janszoon

I want that fringe jacket.

__________________
A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man

Time & Place

25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die

last.fm

Trollheart

Hmm. All sounds a little gay to me. "Makes you want to get down on your knees and submit? "Grip his handlebars and rev his engine"? Is there a subtext here? Something you're not telling us, Batty? Hmm?

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Janszoon

Well, it is a post about Halford after all.

__________________
A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man

Time & Place

25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die

last.fm

Scarlett O'Hara

He is a metal icon. I adore his fashion. I think Lady Gaga was influenced by him with her references to motorbikes and having a motorbike piano. But let's get back to Rob.

__________________

The Batlord

What would a woman know of the intense, chaste love that a man can feel for another man? It is pure and beautiful.

__________________

Urban Hat€monger ?

Nice Rob Halford thing. Although I thought you should know that him & the band didn't adopt the studs & leather look until the Stained Class album came out and that for the first 3 albums they were going around looking like a human curtain factory...


I'm guessing that's why there's no band photo on the Sad Wings Of Destiny or Sin After Sin albums.

__________________

The Batlord

I am aware of this. We all make mistakes sometimes.

__________________

The Batlord

The Batlord Answers Some Common Questions from People Far Less Bitchin' than He

In my infinite wisdom and generosity, I have decided to answer some questions that you may be too scared to ask me out of fear that I might mock you and decide to mail you a package filled with dog turds, and with good reason. It is also understandable that you might assume that I have the answers for your queries, since any knowledge that is worth having is within my considerable expertise. So, without further ado:


Q. How can I become a True Metalhead?

A. Step 1: Listen to more metal.
Step 2: Don't listen to prog. Prog blows.
Step 3: Kill your parents.


Q. How old is the Pope.

A. Fuck if I know. Quit asking stupid questions.


Q. How can I bang more bitches?

A. First of all, bitches don't like poseurs, so see the first question. Now, it's well known that bitches decide whether or not to bang you within five seconds of seeing you, so you gotta stop looking like fungus. May I suggest wearing this shirt?


Bitches love Cannibal Corpse.

Now the bitches should be falling over themselves to slob on your knob, but if not, all is not lost. Bitches love a man to show that they care by making a grand gesture. May I suggest that you mark your territory by urinating on their doorstep. If you are more daring, defecation would be even more effective. Of course, you may just be fugly, and no amount of effort will be able to get the bitches' attention. If so, I suggest this fail safe trick: when at a party, hit any other dudes in the face with a wrench. This will not only take out your competition, but will cause any bitches in sight's panties to become soaked at the virulence of your manliness, fugly or no fugly.


Q. Do you ever experience problems with erectile dysfunction?

A. Ask your mother.


Q. Does Janszoon like the Dirty Sanchez?

A. Yes.


Q. My co-workers keep playing shitty rap and top 40 radio stations at work. What should I do?

A. First, explain the gloriousness of True Metal and try playing a little Napalm Death to show them the error of their ways. If this doesn't work, burn the place to the ground.


Q. My relative/friend/hooker has just passed away. How should I conduct the funeral?

A. There are many suitable ways to honor one's departed loved ones (ritual cannibalism, donation to the Necrophiliac Society of America, spreading their ashes over someone's clean laundry), but the most tried and true method is a viking funeral.

First, you need to construct a viking longship. If you don't know any vikings to build one for you, then find some nuns to hang around. Vikings love nuns. After you have your longship, you now need to gather your loved one's belongings and place them around them. If they have any Slipknot albums, you should burn them before you put them on the ship. One lesser known, but no less important part of the ceremony is that the deceased's wife must be killed and placed on the ship as will. If the wife won't agree to this, might I suggest putting rat poison into a casserole and giving it to the grieving widow. Now all that's left is to set the longboat adrift on a lake and set it on fire. If you don't have access to a trained archer, then your best bet is a TOW missile launcher. If you don't know how to obtain one, then call me. I know people. Another option is to have a military bomber drop a fuel-air bomb. This will have the added benefit of killing all of your relatives, and anybody who posts on this website's relatives probably smell like feet anyway.


Now if you have any further questions, please hesitate to ask or you might be receiving a package in the mail.

__________________

The Batlord

A Review of Suffocation's Human Waste EP

So, if you're aren't aware of the severe and intense awesomeness that is Suffocation, then you deserve to be molested by a chimpanzee on Viagra. They are one of the most important bands to the evolution of brutal death metal and are quite possibly the greatest thing to come out of New York since the Son of Sam. I've been aware of them for years, but have only recently listened to this, their debut EP. It would be rather pointless to do a song-by-song review, since they all pretty much sound the same, like Satan fucking you in the ass with a spiked condom. The levels of sheer awesomeness are in fact so great that I was forced to turn it off, leave my house, and murder my next door neighbors. An extreme reaction no doubt, but that's just how awesome this album is. So, I suggest you listen to it immediately, but first, get a lawyer.

__________________

Unknown Soldier

I was looking for a really brutal death metal song to impress somebody with and started toying over all the death metal bands that I know, but I remembered this and remembered just how brutal it was, my decision was made.

__________________
Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History