The Batlord

Return of the Kings of Metal: Part I continued...

` ` `Almost tenderly she wrapped her arms around him in a grotesque semblance of a loving embrace. As Heinrich's tears flowed down her shoulder, his wife descended on his neck with the savagery of an animal, and tore out a ragged chunk of his flesh with a hideous tearing sound. He screamed in agony as a fountain of blood sprayed out over the nearest zombies who were already grasping at him. He was then driven to the ground by the press of undead bodies who then began to feast. His blood-soaked shirt was ripped from his chest and countless groping hands tore into his abdomen and began pulling out his insides to stuff inside of their hungry mouths. Heinrich was soon lost in the seething mass of undead, but his screams could still be heard. Screams of anguish and sheer animal terror that sounded like nothing human.
` ` `As we looked on in horror, Kerry lifted a flask of Jägermeister to his lips that he had apparently found in a pool of blood on the way to the square and quickly downed the entire thing in one long pull. Throwing back his head he let loose a bestial war cry that thundered off of the surrounding buildings and temporarily stopped every zombie in the square in their tracks before charging forward into the horde, cutting every walking corpse in front of him down with ax and mace.
` ` `Roaring like a madman he swung down his morning star and shattered a ghoul's skull into powder and pulp before hacking off the top half of another's head with his battleaxe. One tried to grab his left arm, his ax arm, but, laughing, Kerry pulled away and thrust forward with the mace into it's chest, shattering it's rib cage and forcing a black gob of coagulated blood out of it's mouth as it flew back to land in a heap on the cobblestones of the square. Again and again he struck down the revenants, but for every one he "killed", ten more took their place and he was quickly becoming surrounded.

` ` `Turning to Oscar, I asked, "What's say we help our borderline psychotic friend out? He looks like he could use a hand."

` ` `"Perhaps you are right," he smiled, stroking his sword, "I think that it is time I test my blade against the undead."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, Oscar."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, my friend."

` ` `"Joey!" I called, "Try to keep those freaks off our backs!"

` ` `"I got you big daddy! Let's kick the tires and light the fires!"

` ` `"Right on, Joey!"

` ` `With battle cries of our own, Oscar and I hacked and slashed our way into the mob of walking dead. Side by side we managed to cut a swath of blood and severed limbs all the way to Kerry.

` ` `"Hey!" I shouted to Kerry, "Is this a one pussy party or can any dick insert themselves?"

` ` `"Does it look like I need your fucking help?"

` ` `"Nah, I just wanted to see it when you gave a zombie some brain, you fucking queer!"

` ` `"Hah! You did always like to watch, you sick fuck!"

` ` `"Fuck yeah! Now why don't you make like a bulldozer and clear us a path? We're buggin' out dude!"

` ` `"You're no fucking fun! Well I guess it's time I took you girls by the hand and led you outta here!"

` ` `With Kerry's ax and morning star clearing a path of shattered bones and decapitated heads and Oscar and I guarding his back, we finally managed to fight our way clear of the zombie horde. We were now covered in a rather bitchin' coat of blood and gore. Kick ass!

` ` `"About fucking time!" mocked Joey, who had amassed a respectable pile of arrow-filled corpses around himself, "I thought I was gonna have to run away and leave you dumb fuckers to die!"

` ` `"Kiss my ass, Joey!"

` ` `"It seems that we have only had a temporary reprieve," pointed out Oscar, "We are still surrounded, and the horde shall soon overrun this square, and unless my eyes deceive me our horses appear to have bolted."

` ` `Slashing at a zombie that had come too close I responded, "I noticed. If we're gonna have any chance of completing our mission then we've gotta get across that fucking bridge."

` ` `"If memory serves, then the bridge should be somewhere in that direction," he said, pointing to the East.

` ` `"There's no way we're gonna be able to get through all of that dead meat. We're gonna have to go through one of those houses."

` ` `With Kerry cutting a path through the relatively thin ranks of zombies between us and the nearest house and Joey covering our retreat, we managed to reach our destination. After Kerry smashed the wooden door into splinters we quickly dashed into the house and began searching for another way out. Through the kitchen door Oscar saw a backdoor and called for us to follow him. But no sooner had he entered the kitchen than he was struck from the side and pinned against a wall by one of the creatures.
` ` `The zombie's eyes had been destroyed by a slash from a sword and blood and aqueous humor flowed down its face, but it had no trouble finding Oscar's throat as it tried to throttle the life out him. Oscar repeatedly struck it in the face with the hilt of his sword while desperately trying to keep its snapping maw from sinking its teeth into his face with his other hand, but the ghoul was impervious to pain and was coming inexorably closer and closer.
` ` `With a lightning-quick lunge, Gram pierced through the zombie's temple and came out the other side of its skull with a sickening scrape. It crumpled to the ground with a meaty thud when I withdrew my sword and Oscar sagged against the wall, coughing and clutching at his throat.

` ` `"Many thanks, my friend. I was afraid that the Light of True Metal had deserted me," he said hoarsely.

` ` `"No problem, bitch. Now you get to buy me a nice pair of tits and a whore to go along with 'em at the next inn."

` ` `"I shall buy you four."

` ` `"What tits or whores?"

` ` `"Whichever you prefer."

` ` `"Um, guys?" interrupted Joey, "I hate to interrupt the fuck fest, but there's sort of a horde of flesh-eating zombies coming in through the front door to forcibly remove our brains. I just thought you should know."

` ` `And indeed an ever increasing flood of shambling, undead monstrosities was now flooding into the house and stumbling and crawling toward us, hands reaching for our warm flesh. The look of bloodlust in Kerry's eyes forced me to grab him by the shoulder and forcibly shove him in the direction of the backdoor.

` ` `"Oh no you don't, motherfucker! I'm not having any more of your shit tonight! You get your fucking ass through that fucking door right fuck now!", I screamed, my finger directly between his eyes.

` ` `"No. Fucking. Fun." he growled, glaring daggers at me, but he stalked out the door.

` ` `Running through the door, I was confronted by a seven-foot high brick wall. To either side of us was a narrow, refuse-filled alleyway. Though we couldn't see them from around the corners, on both ends of the alley came the stench and the groans of the undead townspeople.

` ` `"Fuck! Over the wall!" I shouted as I was already scrambling up its face. I drew myself up, kicked my leg up over the top, and dropped down on the other side into another alley running at a ninety-degree angle from the wall.
` ` `Dashing forward, I didn't see the zombie lunging out of the doorway until it was too late. But just as it was bearing down on me, an arrow sprouted out of its left eye, dropping it to the ground with a thud.
` ` `I turned around to see Joey straddling the wall, bow in hand, and another arrow already notched, "Now you get to buy me a bed!"

` ` `"I'll buy you two!"

` ` `After that it was a headlong flight through a maze of alleyways. Several times we were forced to double back after finding a dead end or a pack of ravenous ghouls. But after what felt like hours, we finally found ourselves dumped by the bank of the river not two blocks away from the stone bridge. And past the bridge, less than a block from it, was yet another seething mass of zombies.

` ` `We ran for that bridge as if the very hosts of Hell were behind us. Or in front of us.

` ` `"Faster, faster, must fo faster!"

` ` `"Shut up and run, you idiot!"

` ` `With only seconds to spare, we made the bridge and tried to put as much distance between them and us as possible. But no sooner had we reached the center of the bridge than more of the revenants began to gather at the opposite end and start shambling toward us. With enemies behind and in front of us, we had no choice but to stop.

` ` `"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I exclaimed in disbelief, bent over, hands on my knees, taking in great gulps of air, "All that shit, all that running, and now we get trapped like fucking rats?!"

` ` `"It would appear that, as you would say, we are fucked," sardonically replied Oscar, likewise bent over in exhaustion.

` ` `"So it would appear," I agreed with a resigned laugh, before standing up, taking a pack of Marlboros from my pocket, and lighting a cigarette. "Oh yeah," I said with great satisfaction, blowing out a glorious cloud of carcinogens, "As long as I've got a sword in my hand, a song in my heart, and a cigarette between my lips, then all is right with the world."

` ` `"How the fuck can you smoke at a time like this?!" screamed Joey in disbelief,"What the fuck are we gonna do?"

` ` `"We're gonna die like True Metalheads," rumbled Kerry, raising his weapons in anticipation for one last, reckless charge into the enemy.

` ` `"Don't be so sure, dude," I replied, "Can you swim?"

` ` `"Wuh-yeah..."

` ` `With Kerry standing next to the stone railing of the bridge, I shoved him in the chest, knocking him over the side and into the swiftly-flowing current of the river with a great splash.

` ` `"Dude!" cried Joey, mouth hanging open in astonishment, "What the fuck?! I don't give a shit how good you can swim, that water's going too fast to be able to swim in it! We'll fucking drown!"

` ` `"No time for that," I replied with a wicked grin, "Everyone knows you're not supposed to get in the water till thirty minutes after you've been eaten."

` ` `Before he could respond, I lifted him in the air by the collar of his Iron Maiden shirt and hurled him over the side of the bridge. His cry was interrupted by yet another splash.

` ` `Oscar held up his hands as I turned to him, "I believe that I can get over the side without your assistance."

` ` `"You always were my favorite."

` ` `With a smile and a mock salute, he dove off of the bridge.

` ` `Turning to look at the approaching zombie hordes, I sighed and said, "You know, your town is lovely, and I've had a wonderful time here, but I must say, I find that your cuisine leaves much to be desired." With that I flicked my cigarette over the side of the bridge and dove in after it.

__________________

Unknown Soldier

Enjoying the continuing story and have you ever read any of the Warhammer books, real low-key pulp fantasy fiction with loads of gore, you'd be great writing one of these

__________________
Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Nope. I see a few around, but I'd have no idea where to start. They sound fun though.

__________________

Unknown Soldier

Well if you like badass dwarves, heroic elves, evil dark elves, vile Skaven, villainous sorcerers, vampires and mutant hordes in a huge world full or gore and decay then you'll love it. You can't compare it in anyway to say WoT, it would be like comparing Yes to Motley Crue The centre of the world is based around two states that are based on a medieval Germany and France, but the world is huge. Also you can read them in any order and there doesn't seem to be any any real historical link and cohesion between the different authors. Good places to start are:

Gotrek and Felix saga (based on a dwarf and his human friend)
Malus Darkbalde sage (About an dark elf)
Thunder and Steel (has about three great different stories)
Brunner the Bounty Hunter (about a badass mercenary)

and here he is:

__________________
Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Sold.

Double sold.

Sold to the max.

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part II

` ` `I woke up to the sight of an unfamiliar ceiling. It was a rather nice ceiling. Made outta wood. Wood kicks ass. Fuck plaster. Shit always rains down on you when you're bangin' some chick's head against the headboard. You know, when your fuckin' her, not when you're domestically abusing her. I don't get down with that pussy shit.
` ` `So what was I talkin' about? Oh yeah, wood ceiling. I seemed to be lying in a rather comfortable bed while staring at the aforementioned ceiling. From the sunlight and chirping of birds coming in through the window, I imagined that I had woken up sometime in the morning. Usually I prefer to wake up to Napalm Death and/or a blowjob, but sunlight and birds isn't a bad way to go, all things considered.

` ` `"Oh, you're up!"

` ` `Turning my head in the direction of the voice, I saw that it had come from a rather fetching young lass who had stuck her head in through the door of the small bedroom that I was in.

` ` `"You must be really strong. We, that's me and my pa, reckoned you'd be out for a good while," she gushed in a rapid fire aural assault as she entered the room with what looked like a tray of food on top of a pile of what looked my clothes in her arms. "You looked just like a drowned rat when we, me and pa remember, fished you outta that river. I don't know what you were thinkin' goin' swimmin' in there. You look like you would have more common sense than that. We, well, I, washed your clothes for you. This is a really great shirt. Morbid Angel are awesome, and I don't think I ever saw a Thy Kingdom Come demo shirt before. Did you get this in the capital, or are you one of those guys from the future? Would you like something to eat?" Having now sat down in a chair next to the bed, she offered me the tray of food.

` ` `"Um...sure," I replied, somewhat taken aback by her...enthusiasm. Sitting up and letting the sheet fall away from my chest, I asked, "So, what's your name?"

` ` `Upon seeing the masculine perfection that is my torso, she understandably blushed and looked down at her hands in her lap, "Gretchen."

` ` `Red hair in pig tails, a C-cup, digs Morbid Angel, and her name is Gretchen? The talking was a problem, but I'm sure I could find other uses for her mouth. I wasn't quite sure if she was legal or not, but since this was medieval Germany, I don't suppose it really mattered. "So, Gretchen, beautiful name by the way, did you make this sausage?"

` ` `She nodded, blushing harder than ever.

` ` `"It's nice to see a girl who knows how to handle some sausage. By the way, where am I?"

` ` `She seemed to be having a little trouble with her words now, but when women come into contact with a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself, well...things happen. "Th-this is, um, my pa's farm. W-we f-found you...oh, s-sorry, I already told you that, d-didn't I? Is it hot in here?"

` ` `"No, it's just you. I had three friends with me, did you find them too?"

` ` `"I-I-I...no. O-only you."

` ` `"Too bad. So, where's your father?"

` ` `"H-he, he's in th-the fields. He'll b-be there all d-day."

` ` `"Well, lucky me..."

` ` `Alright, long story short, about...twenty minutes later, I was running butt-naked through a cornfield, with my clothes in one hand and my sword in the other, with a rather irate, pitchfork-wielding farmer in hot pursuit. I wasn't sure if he was angry that I had deflowered his daughter, or if he wanted my to marry her, but either way, it was time to get the fuck outta Dodge.
` ` `Some time later, my flight from the farmer had led me to an area of woods. There, I found a creek to wash the blood off of my dick, after which I put my clothes on and set off to find my friends. And Joey. I wasn't exactly sure where I was, but I was reasonably sure that I remembered seeing these woods on a map, which means that the road to the Desert of Nephren-Ka was...

` ` `Thataway! Boom. We are in business.

` ` `Unfortunately, my chosen direction seemed to include several unavoidable patches of thorny vines, an unfortunately placed pile of deer shit, and one rather ornery hive of bees. So, it was with some relief when, after emerging scratched and rather ornery myself from one of the patches of thorny vines, I finally gazed upon the road.
` ` `But some distance in front of me, I spied what appeared to be two goblins hiding behind a bush facing the road. Feeling more curious than anything, I kept low and silently crept up to the bush. Now about ten feet away, and still undiscovered, I saw that the two goblins were peering through the bush at the road, and were each carrying a crude, iron ax. Lowering my voice to a whisper, I called out, "Hey! Goblin dudes! Whatcha doin'?"

` ` `They both jumped in surprise at the sound of my voice and spun around, axes at the ready. One of them, the leader I imagined, whispered back, "Who the krikshahk are you?!"

` ` `"I'm a True Metalhead! That's all you need to know."

` ` `"Glurth yeah!" he replied, proudly showing off his Burzum t-shirt, while his partner showed me his Emperor shirt, "Hey, get over here in the bushes before some pink face sees you."

` ` `Joining them, I asked again, "So...what's goin' on, uh..."

` ` `"I'm Ugbarth, and this is Raztar. The chieftain cut out his tongue for, you know...using it on his daughter, so he doesn't talk much."

` ` `"Ouch. I feel your pain, Raz. Are you at least still hittin' it on the sly?"

` ` `Raztar's cryptic smile was all I needed to know.

` ` `"And you're behind the bush because...?"

` ` `"Oh yeah," replied Ugbarth, "See, we're waiting all hidden-like for travelers to come by. Then...we waylay 'em!"

` ` `"Waylay?"

` ` `"You know, rob them, kill them, eat them."

` ` `Raztar made some kind of gesture to get Ugbarth's attention.

` ` `"Oh yeah, and if we find any women, well...you know."

` ` `"Ah, I see. You know, that's pretty douchey."

` ` `"We're goblins."

` ` `"Fair enough. So, I'm a traveller. Shouldn't you be waylaying me?"

` ` `"But you're not on the road, stupid."

` ` `"Oh. I guess that makes sense."

` ` `All of a sudden, Raztar made a flurry of hand gestures to Ugbarth, who brightened and looked at me, "Hey, you know three waylayers are always better than two. You wanna help us out? You'll get an even share of everything: money, women, human flesh."

` ` `"That's...tempting, but I kinda got something I'm already doing."

` ` `Another flurry of gestures from Raztar and Ugbarth put his finger to his lips, "Shh! Someone's coming."

` ` `From my vantage point, I couldn't see the traveler yet, but Ugbarth could, "What's that pink face doing? Oh, douche. He's tweeting. Tweeting while walking. Only hardcore douchebags walk and tweet at the same time. This goomfat is getting an ax to his schnarken balls."

` ` `"Hey, wait a minute!" I exclaimed after I could finally see the walk-and-tweeter, "I know that guy! He's one of my friends! That's Joey!"

` ` `"Wait, the walk-and-tweeter is your friend?! Does that mean we can't waylay 'im?"

` ` `"Weeeeell......no, no you can't waylay him. Sorry."

` ` `"Aw, khisbarth!"

` ` `"Hey, it's been real, but I gotta go. Me and walk-and-tweeter gotta see a couple guys about some poseurs."

` ` `"Oh, well, good luck with that."

` ` `"Thanks."

` ` `"If you're ever in this neck o' the woods again, then look us up. Just follow the trail of human bones."

` ` `"Will do. Good luck with the waylaying. I'll see ya when I see ya."

` ` `With that I waved goodbye, left the bushes, and walked down to the road to meet Joey. Since he was looking down at his phone, he didn't notive me as I walked up to him until I'd grabbed the phone, thrown it into the dirt, and stomped it into several million pieces.

` ` `"Hey, what the fuck, dude?!" he protested, "That shit isn't...is that cheering I hear?"

` ` `"Shut up, Joey. I told you, we have to maintain communications silence on a mission. No phones."

` ` `"Oh, right. I knew that!"

` ` `And so, one moron heavier, I continued my quest to find the rest of my company. Not knowing what else to do, we strolled on down the road, hoping that Oscar and Kerry might have had the same idea. After several miles, we still hadn't left the forest, and there was still no sign of our companions, so we were passing the time with a spirited intellectual debate...

` ` `"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" I retorted contemptuously, "Pamela Anderson is the definition of a butterface."

` ` `"It's not about how her face looks," argued Joey, "Her face just radiates sex. She doesn't even have to be trying, but those fuck-me eyes still command your boner to attention."

` ` `"If by 'radiates sex' you mean 'transmits hepatitis', then I agree. Even if I doubled up, I'd still have to stick my dick in bleach after fucking that skeeze. Besides, she never had shit on Carmen Electra anyway."

` ` `"Oh, and you wanna talk about stickin' your dick in bleach? How is she any less of a skeeze than Pamela Anderson? Didn't she fuck Tommy Lee too? Doesn't that mean she has the same hep that Pamela has?"

` ` `"Hey, skeeze she may be, but everything Pamela does, Carmen does better. I'll bet she even sucked Tommy Lee's dick better too. Besides, dumb brunette trumps dumb blonde any day of the week. End of discussion."

` ` `But before Joey could respond, I put my finger to my lips and whispered, "Shh! Do you hear that?"

` ` `"Hear what?"

` ` `"I don't know. It sounds like...slapping."

` ` `"Slapping?...Hey, I think I hear it too. It's coming from over there," said Joey, pointing down the road.

` ` `As we slowly crept towards the sound, it steadily became louder. It was indeed some kind of slapping sound; soft, rhythmic, and...vigorous. It seemed to be coming from behind a tree just off of the road.

` ` `"Dude!" whispered Joey in amazement, "I...I think somebody's whackin' off behind that tree..."

` ` `"Dude...seriously? Who whacks off in the woods?"

` ` `"Robin Hood?"

` ` `"What?"

` ` `"Well, he lives in the woods. What else is he gonna do?"

` ` `"Bang Maid Marian?"

` ` `"But she's a maid. He can't hit that till he marries her. And he can't marry her till he kills King John. And by then he wouldn't be living in the woods anymore."

` ` `"What about the chicks in the secret forest town. You know, like in that Kevin Costner movie."

` ` `"Oh, that movie kicked ass!"

` ` `"I know."

` ` `"But all those chicks would have been the Merry Mens' families. You don't bang your friends' wives or daughters. That's not cool."

` ` `"But they're outlaws."

` ` `"So?"

` ` `"So, they probably had, like, forest orgies, you know?"

` ` `"Dude, they weren't druids."

` ` `"Druids have forest orgies?"

` ` `"Probably."

` ` `"I'll have to remember that. But we're getting off-topic here."

` ` `"Oh yeah. So what, are we just gonna sneak past Slap Happy over there?"

` ` `"Nah, man. I gotta better idea. Just, be quiet, be quiet. I got this."

` ` `Turning to the tree, I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, "HEY, YOU!!! BEHIND THE TREE!!! PUT THE DICK DOWN AND STEP OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!"

` ` `The slapping abruptly stopped, and we heard the frantic sounds of fumbling before a man stumbled from behind the tree, looking around in panic and struggling to pull up his pants.

` ` `And then I recognized the self-polluter.

` ` `"Oscar?" I asked, tentatively.

` ` `"What-what are you doing here?!" he replied in shock.

` ` `"I might ask you the same thing."

` ` `"I-I was...relieving myself."

` ` `"I can see that."

` ` `Joey had said nothing by this point, as he too busy being doubled over with hysterical laughter and struggling to breath, but now he sucked in a gulp of air and hoarsely asked, voice alive with mirth, "Dude! Were you just shaking hands with the Governor behind that tree?!"

` ` `"Wh-what?!" he thundered in fear-laced indignation, "Of course not! I would never shame myself so in public!"

` ` `"Dude, come on," I responded, "We both heard you goin' at yourself. We all do it. It's no big deal."

` ` `Then a memory surfaced, and I turned to Joey with wonder, "Dude, you remember that feast? The one where we caught Oscar doing something with his hand under the table? And he told us he was putting his dagger in its sheath? I think he was...you know...putting his dagger in its sheath."

` ` `Joey's mouth dropped open, "Oh yeah! And you remember after Wacken, when we were having that week-long festival and he kept disappearing into the porta potties for like half an hour at a time? I just figured he had diarrhea."

` ` `"Lies!" screamed Oscar shrilly, "I'm not like you! I am not a deviant!"

` ` `"Dude, give it up," I replied, "We all know you like to spank the monkey in the supermarket."

` ` `His face purple with rage, Oscar exploded, "All right! All right! I was...pleasuring myself! But what do you expect?! Some of us don't have such low standards! So some of us have to...made do! And sometimes...some of us...require some...variety...to keep things...fresh." This last was said quietly, with his head hanging down, staring at the ground.

` ` `"It's okay dude," I said comfortingly, putting my arm around his shoulders, "I understand. Well, not really, but it's gonna be okay. We'll get you a nice high-class call girl at the next town. Okay?"

` ` `"O...okay..."

` ` `"Now come on, Robin Hood."

` ` `"What?"

` ` `"Nothing."

` ` `A few more miles down the road, a few more jokes at Oscar's expense, and a cigarette or three, and I was beginning to feel pretty good. I woke up to sunshine and some strange, had a nice walk through the woods, and now I only had one more companion to find. It was amazing how one good day could erase a night of attempted cannibalism. Now if only I could find some poseurs to wail on.

` ` `Just as I was enjoying my little reverie, I was again stopped by a strange noise. "Hey, you fuckers hear that?" I asked.

` ` `"Aw, not again!" Joey exclaimed in disgust and turned to Oscar, "How many of you sick freaks are there in this fucking forest?"

` ` `Ignoring him, Oscar cocked his head to listen, "It sounds like...shouting. I believe it is coming from somewhere to the left of the road."

` ` `"You sure it's not just someone having a really good go at themselves?"

` ` `Oscar continued to ignore Joey, but he was starting to look like he'd eaten a lemon.

` ` `Drawing our swords, we cautiously made our way off of the road and into the trees. About half a mile away from the road, we discovered a large cave. From the smoke billowing out of the mouth of the cave, it was obviously occupied. The rather loud and colorful swearing coming from inside was another clue.

` ` `"You stupid, god damn, piece of shit motherfuckers! I'll fucking............and then shove it so far up your fucking ass I'll kick your teeth out, you............mother's a fat, ugly slut with genital warts bigger than her saggyass tits!............rip out your rib cage and take a shit on your heart, you wart-fucking son of a............"

` ` `You get the idea.

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part II continued...

` ` `Continuing our stealthy approach, we finally reached the mouth of the cave and peered inside: some very crude chairs and a table, bones littering the floor, a staggeringly rancid smell of...I don't wanna know, but most alarming of all were the two gigantic trolls sitting in the chairs in front of a huge fire where they were slowly turning something on a spit high in the air.
` ` `From the impressive string of expletives, I was guessing that that that something was "Kerry motherfucking King". He was drowned out when he was turned down toward the flames, but otherwise the invective was continuous...

` ` `"............you pussy-motherfucking cunts! My grandmother has a bigger cock than............probably be too busy fucking each other to even eat............uh, you're fucking stupid............"

` ` `Rather than being offended, the two trolls seemed rather bored. One of them yawned as the other used a brush to baste Kerry in a marinade of what looked like honey and snot, and Kerry's next profane tirade was lost as he spluttered and retched. Then the yawning troll turned to the other and complained in a restless voice, "When he done, Gork? Me hungry."

` ` `"It ready when ready."

` ` `"How long?"

` ` `"Me don't know."

` ` `"It ready yet?"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort."

` ` `I figured it was about time we did something about this rather fucked situation, so I turned to Oscar and Joey, "Alright, I have experience with trolls, so just let me do all the talking."

` ` `"What do you mean 'let you do all the talking'? You....you're gonna talk to the trolls?!" asked Joey, stupefied.

` ` `"What'd I just say, dumbfuck? Yes, I'm gonna talk to the trolls. Both of you don't say anything. Just stand there and look tough."

` ` `With a concerned look, Oscar asked, "Are you sure that is wise? Shouldn't we devise a plan to ambush them? Even three True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber such as ourselves would be hard-pressed to take on two fully grown trolls head-on."

` ` `"Fuck that. I'm too fucking lazy to come up with some boring plan. Besides, if I can't outsmart two trolls just by wingin' it, then they deserve to eat us."

` ` `Before either of them could object, I stepped into the cave and called out, "Hey! Troll dudes! Watcha doin'?!"

` ` `Both trolls jumped up in surprise and turned to me with incredulous looks on their ugly faces. "Who you?!" demanded one of them, Ort I believe.

` ` `"Shut up, Ort," responded Gork, "You stupid. I talk to human." Turning back to me, he demanded, "Who you?!"

` ` `"Me? I'm just a True Metalhead on a bitchin' quest."

` ` `"Hey!" screamed Kerry, "Get me the fuck outta here!"

` ` `"I got this! You just keep up with the profanity!"

` ` `"You know him, meathead?" asked Gork.

` ` `"Yeah, actually. He's sorta my friend. That's why I'm here. I was wondering if, as a personal favor to me, you could just let him go?"

` ` `With baffled, cretinous looks, the trolls glanced at each other for a moment before bursting into hysterical laughter.

` ` `"You funny, meathead! We kill you before we eat you. Ort, get club. We kill him."

` ` `"I guess you're not as dumb as you look, troll dudes."

` ` `"What you say?! Gork smartest troll in world! Gork squash you like bug!"

` ` `"I see how smart you are. Obviously you know you can't beat me in a test of wits, so you kill me before I can outsmart you. That's smart, dude."

` ` `"You not smarter than Gork! What this 'test of sits'? Gork show you! Gork sit better than anyone!"

` ` `"Uh...that's 'test of wits'. And you should just kill me now before I embarrass you."

` ` `"YOU NOT EMBARRASS GORK! WE DO TEST OF WITS! ME EMBARRASS YOU! THEN GORK SQUASH YOU!"

` ` `"Alright, dude, chill out. You ever heard of tic-tac-toe?"

` ` `"Uh...no."

` ` `"Well, it's kind of complicated, and I don't know if a troll'll be able to just pick it up."

` ` `"You shut up and tell Gork how do 'tic-tac-toe'!"

` ` `"Well, alright then. First, I'm gonna need a stick."

` ` `I then pulled a large piece of wood out of a pile next to the first while the trolls watched me suspiciously. Using the stick, I drew a large tic-tac-toe board in the dirt between Gork and myself.

` ` `"Alright, so just to show you how to play, I'll go first. Okay?"

` ` `"Uh...okay."

` ` `"Okay. So, first I draw an 'X' right in the middle square."

` ` `"Uh huh."

` ` `"Then you put an 'O' right above my 'X'."

` ` `"Alright."

` ` `"Then I put another 'X' to the right of your 'O'."

` ` `"Um...yeah, okay."

` ` `"And now you have to put an 'O' right under that 'X'."

` ` `"Got it."

` ` `"And then I put an 'X' right here. I win."

` ` `"What?! You not win!"

` ` `"Yeah, see where I got those three 'X's all lined up? That means I win."

` ` `"Uh...YOU TRICK GORK!"

` ` `"Hey, I won fair and square, so don't be such a sore loser. That shit's not cool."

` ` `"We play again! Me win this time!"

` ` `"Well, if you insist."

` ` `"Hey, me want turn!"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort! You too stupid!"

` ` `"You already had your turn, Gork, and I beat you. It's Ort's turn now."

` ` `"Fine! First Ort lose, then we eat meathead. Hurry up and lose, stupid."

` ` `"Me not stupid, me win!"

` ` `"Alright, since you're the challenger you get to go first, Ort. First, you put an 'X' right there in the middle."

` ` `"Okay."

` ` `"Then I put an 'O' right on top of your 'X'."

` ` `"Uh huh."

` ` `"Then you put an 'X' right next to my 'O'."

` ` `"Sure."

` ` `"And I put an 'O' right under your 'X'."

` ` `"Alright."

` ` `"And then you put your 'X', no not there, right there. You got it. Oh, man, you just won!"

` ` `"What?! Me win?!"

` ` `"What?! He win?!"

` ` `"Me smarter than Gork!"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort! You know you stupid!"

` ` `"As least me not as stupid as you!"

` ` `"What?! Me kill you!"

` ` `"Me kill you first!"

` ` `In the ensuing chaos, Oscar, Joey, and I rescued Kerry from the spit and certain tastiness. As we were strolling out of the cave to the sound of much crashing, banging, and cursing, Joey slapped me on the back, "Dude, I gotta say, that was the damnedest thing I have ever seen in my life."

` ` `"The fucking pussiest shit you've ever seen in your life, you mean," growled Kerry in contempt, "What the fuck am I supposed to say in the mead hall? 'My brothers in arms, the Truest Metalheads that ever lived, saved my life playing tic-tac-toe with a couple of trolls'? Fuck that shit!"

` ` `"The mind can be sharper than any blade, my friend," retorted Oscar.

` ` `"Whatever."

` ` `"And having Ort win in the end was cool," said Joey, "That Gork dude was a tampon."

` ` `"Yeah, Ort kinda needed a win there," I replied.

` ` `"But what if Gork kills Ort?"

` ` `"What do you mean?"

` ` `"Well, it'd be kind of fucked up if after all of that, Gork killed Ort."

` ` `"Dude, he's a troll."

` ` `"I know, but now I'm kind of emotionally invested in Ort. You know what I mean, right?"

` ` `"Maybe. What do you want us to do? Go save Ort?"

` ` `"Why not?"

` ` `"Why not?! Cause he's a fucking-ah, hell with it. Let's go help him."

` ` `"Wait," interjected Kerry, "We're gonna go save the fucker that was just trying to eat me?"

` ` `"Yes."

` ` `"The mead hall never hears of this."

` ` `"Agreed."

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part III

` ` `The Desert of Nephren-Ka was sandy. The Desert of Nephren-ka was hot. The Desert of Nephren-Ka sucked fucking balls. Whichever god had invented not-sucking-balls apparently didn't have much interest in the Desert of Nephren-Ka. I couldn't blame them. Now don't get me wrong, Nephren-Ka actually has quite a lot to offer the discerning traveler: mile upon mile of trackless desert punctuated only by the odd stony outcropping and a complete lack of vegetation, a sun intent on sexually violating you with an oppressive inferno quaintly described as "heat", and for company there is always at least a handful of vultures circling overhead and plotting your death.
` ` `After rescuing the troll Ort from the murderous intent of his verbally abusive fellow troll Gork and then beating him senseless when he tried to eat us, Oscar Dronjak, Joey Belladonna, Kerry King, and I, your illustrious host, had continued on down the road leading to the desert. Unless there is a thriving market in dust and aridity that I am unaware of, why anyone would build a road out to this shitturd beats the everloving fuck outta me. And why the fuck is there a desert in Germany?! Or Poland, or where ever the fuck this is? In any case, after a week or so of traveling on foot we finally entered the desert where we could now begin our search for the oracles Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros of Om to ask them the source of the poseur threat assailing the kingdom.

` ` `"So how are we supposed to find these douchebags anyway?" asked Joey as we trudged through the choking sand and dust of Nephren-ka on the crest of a wide, mountainous, windswept sand dune under the blinding glare of the midday sun.

` ` `"I don't know," I replied.

` ` `"What do you mean you don't know?"

` ` `"I mean I don't know."

` ` `"...You...you mean you dragged us all the way out to the fucking desert and you don't even know how to find them?"

` ` `"Nope."

` ` `"THEN WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE GOING?!"

` ` `"Don't know."

` ` `"WHA...BUT...GUH............HAVE I BEEN TAKING CRAZY PILLS OR SOMETHING?!"

` ` `"Calm down, my friend," soothed Oscar, "It is said that if you wish to find the oracles then you must travel to the heart of the desert, and if found worthy, they shall find you."

` ` `"And if they don't find us worthy?"

` ` `"We are True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber," I replied, "Of course they'll find us worthy."

` ` `"But if they don't?"

` ` `"Then we're fucked."

` ` `"Great. Our lives depend on the judgement of a couple of stoners."

` ` `Taking the latest in a long series of swigs from a large canteen of Jägermeister, Kerry snorted in intoxicated contempt, "What the fuck did you expect? Did you think our 'glorious leader' actually knows what the fuck he's doing?"

` ` `Stopping dead in my tracks, I spun around and fixed my eyes on Kerry. "What the fuck did you just say?" I demanded.

` ` `"You heard me, you fucking poseur!"

` ` `Oscar put his hand on Kerry's shoulder in a calming gesture, "Kerry my friend, you've over-indulged. You know not what you say."

` ` `Shaking him off Kerry bellowed, "Fuck off, dick beater! I know exactly what the fuck I'm saying to that Limp Bizkit-loving poseur motherfucker!" Turning to me he growled, "You've been acting like a pussy ever since we left on this god damn quest! You pussed out with those trolls! You pussed out not once, not twice, but three fucking times in Danzig! You even ran from some fucking farmer! We should be with our brothers fighting poseurs, but instead we're chasing our own dicks on this bullshit mission, and now we get to die of heatstroke in the middle of some Dio-forsaken desert! Fuck you and fuck your poseur bullshit!" Kerry was quivering with barely restrained rage by the time he was finished.

` ` `Oscar and Joey only stood by and watched, eyes wide as they waited to see what would happen.

` ` `Expressionless, my voice the whisper of steel, I lightly grasped Gram's hilt, "Call me a poseur one more time, and it'll be you raining blood."

` ` `Without hesitation Kerry ripped his ax and morning star from his belt and roared, "What the fuck are we waiting for then?!"

` ` `But just then Oscar jumped in between us as we squared off, staring each other down, "Stop this! The only ones who profit from this are the poseurs!"

` ` `With a snarl Kerry pointed his mace at Oscar, "Move! I'm gonna fucking pound that pussy!"

` ` `"Get out of our way, Oscar." I growled, "This is between me and fuck-for-brains. If he wants to die then let him."

` ` `"Uh...guys?"

` ` `"SHUT UP, JOEY!!!"

` ` `"Uh...I would, but we might just have a situation," and he pointed to a spot in the distance where there appeared to be a cloud of sand moving swiftly toward us.

` ` `"Cloud" is misleading. Rather than a swirling mass of sand, it was a churning wave at least twice as high and three times as wide as the height of a full grown man, that looked like it was being thrown up by something being propelled at a speed far too high to be any cloud.

` ` `And it was coming straight toward us.

` ` `"Dudes," said a worried Joey, "What the fuck is that?"

` ` `"That..." replied Oscar in wonder, "Is a sandworm, I believe. I had thought that they existed only in legends."

` ` `"Good legends or bad legends?"

` ` `"Are there any good legends?"

` ` `"No, I suppose not. So, I'm guessing that thing's gonna eat us?"

` ` `"So it would seem."

` ` `Our feud momentarily forgotten, Kerry and I watched the rapidly approaching plume of sand now accelerating up the dune with anticipation and trepidation, respectively. "Just how dangerous is that fucking thing?" I asked Oscar, never taking my eyes from the sandworm that was becoming less and less distant with every passing second.

` ` `"Considering the lack of verifiable reports of such creatures, I would imagine that they are quite dangerous. The only tales that exist claim that the only defense is to not be standing on sand."

` ` `"Well isn't that the most fucking useful thing I've ever heard?!" quipped Joey, "I mean it's not like we're standing in the middle of a fucking desert or anything!"

` ` `"The rocks!" I declared, pointing at a large outcropping about three times the size of a football field in the distance, "If we run, we might be able to make them!"

` ` `"Running again?!" Kerry cried in outrage, "I'm sick of this fucking poseur shit!"

` ` `"Shut the fuck up! We don't have time for this bullshit! Now move!"

` ` `Kerry's eyes were death, but he moved. We all ran like the wind along the ridge of the dune for those rocks. But no matter how swiftly we raced, the sandworm closed the distance at an alarming rate. Soon the surging wall of sand was almost upon us and the very earth beneath our feet began to tremble as it barreled down on us.

` ` `It was making straight for Joey.

` ` `"Faster, faster, must go fucking faster!" screamed Joey in near panic, "Fuck you, you fucking sandworm son of a bitch!"

` ` `No sooner had Joey spoken than the earth exploded, and something hidden in the cloud of sand and dust catapulted through the air toward him. What we glimpsed through the sand was a horror, larger than a bus and easily wide enough to fully engulf a man whole.

` ` `Miraculously, the creature overshot its mark, but it still rocked Joey with a glancing blow, hurling him through the air to crash into the sand in a boneless heap. Instead of smashing into the ground, the sandworm dove into the earth upon impact and began again to burrow through the dirt, making a wide arc around us to come around for another pass.

` ` `"JOEY!!!" we all cried in horror.

` ` `Upon reaching his motionless body Oscar bent down to examine him. "He is alive!" he exclaimed in relief, "Only unconscious. But we must move him quickly!"

` ` `"Kerry!" I shouted, turning to him, "Put him over your shoulders! Hurry up, that thing's coming back around!"

` ` `"Fuck that!" he roared in a rage, "No more running like pussies! I'm gonna kill that motherfucker while you've got your tail touching your cock!"

` ` `"God damn it, you retard! We don't have time for this bullshit!" But Kerry had turned his back on us to face the approaching sandworm with his feet planted in the sand and his ax held at the ready. "Fuck!" I cried in frustration, "Oscar, take Joey! I'll deal with this asshole!"

` ` `"Are you sure that is wise?" asked Oscar while lifting Joey onto his back.

` ` `"Shut the fuck up! Move! Now!"

` ` `He nodded and set off toward the outcropping at top speed. With one problem out of the way, I turned back to Kerry. "What are you, fucking moron? That thing's gonna swallow you whole and shit out what remains of your bones!"

` ` `"So be it," he replied, now strangely calm, "I'm not running anymore. I'd rather fucking die."

` ` `We still had time before the sandworm reached us, but it was quickly running out.

` ` `"You used to be the best," he continued, "You fought a dragon just for the fuck of it. You went to Wacken, believing you were gonna die, without giving a shit. And now look at you. A fucking pussy."

` ` `"I'm still the best. I've just got more important things to do now than just do whatever the hell I want. So do you."

` ` `But Kerry said nothing.

` ` `With a sigh I told him, "If you wanna die so bad, then fucking do it." Resigned, I stepped aside with only moments to spare before the worm attacked.

` ` `And then it was on him.

` ` `With horrified fascination I watched as the ground again erupted, and again the abomination hurled itself through the air with a faceless, gaping maw that held row upon row of massive teeth. From inside of its body came a wave of foul air that smell of corruption and even worse, unknowable filth that almost overwhelmed me.

` ` `At the last possible second, Kerry turned aside with the speed of a panther and brought up his ax to strike a blow to the worm's flank. But he still hadn't moved quickly enough, and its bulk slammed into him, throwing him violently to the ground with a bone-shattering impact. The shuddering of the earth created by the impact of the sandworm's body striking the ground almost brought me to my knees, but I managed to remain standing as it again burrowed into the ground to make yet another assault.

` ` `Rushing to Kerry's inert from lying face down in the sand, I knelt down and turned him over onto his back. His eyes fluttered open and he gave a painful groan. "If I get out of this alive, I'm gonna get a fucking gun and I'm gonna shoot every fucking earthworm I ever fucking see until the day I die."

` ` `"That's what you get, you fucking dumbass!" I replied in relief.

` ` `"Oh, we're butt buddies again? Fuck off. Shouldn't you be on that rock cleaning the shit out of your pants?" he growled in contempt. "Get the fuck away from me. If I'm gonna die like a True Metalhead then I don't want any fucking poseurs in my presence."

` ` `Coming to a decision, I took a deep breath and then let it out. Then I stood up and looked down at Kerry with a mocking smirk, "Die like a True Metalhead? All I saw was you getting your ass handed to you by Earthworm Jim over there. Why don't you lay there and do your best Christopher Reeve impression and let a real metalhead show you how it's done. You fucking pussy."

` ` `Kerry gave a pained laugh and winced, saying with wry humor, "I'm gonna laugh when that thing eats your bitch ass and shits out melange."

__________________

The Batlord

Return of the Kings of Metal: Part III continued...

` ` `Chuckling, I replied "I'm gonna laugh when I beat your fucking ass right after I kill this motherfucking worm."

` ` `With that I walked a short distance toward the worm that had now finished its turn and was accelerating straight toward me. Planting my feet apart and raising Gram over my head clenched in both hands, I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. To put myself into a trance I began to recite the lyrics to Hammerfall's "The Way of the Warrior" as I had so many times before.




` ` `Soon, I was only half-aware of the words and the rest of the world around me, and I felt the Light of True Metal infuse my limbs with a power such as no poseur will ever know. The feeling was like the first time you ever got high, the first time you ever came in a woman, the first time you ever stood over the bruised and battered body of a schoolyard tormentor with blood dripping from your fist. It was all of these.




` ` `And yet they pale in comparison. This...this is something that most will only ever experience the first time they hear Judas Priest.




` ` `The first time they taste blood in the mosh pit.




` ` `The first time they see someone walking down the halls at school wearing an Iced Earth t-shirt and know that they are not alone.

Turn you own deeds to his gracious glory

` ` `This is the Light of True Metal. But a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber, this is one who can channel the Light at will. To one such as he, all obstacles are as nothing.

And he will make you see

` ` `Dimly I felt the ground beneath me begin to shudder, but it was the earth-shattering vibration of a Gibson Flying V guitar erupting from a Marshall stack.




` ` `I heard the explosion of earth and sand, but it was merely the crushing blast of a riff so powerful that the stars themselves shook with fear.




` ` `I felt the fetid wind swirl around me in all of its foulness, but it was the smell of beer and sweat and piss that runs beneath the cries of supplication and raised fists of five hundred True Metalheads packed tight into a tiny shithole of a club.




` ` `Almost of their own volition, my eyes snapped open, and I was staring into the cavernous gullet of the great worm. For a moment, it was as if Eternal Nightmare had come to life. And then the Light of True Metal reached a crescendo within me and I brought down my sword with all of the power and glory of forty-three years of True Metal history. There was a flash of blinding light and the deafening crack of thunder and almost in slow motion the beast split into two perfect halves.




` ` `I stood motionless, sword lowered at an angle to the ground, seeing-but-not-seeing the remains of the sandworm sail past me to either side, never touching me. In my trance state, the sight of its internal organs, still perfectly held within its perfectly bisected body, filled me with detached loathing and a vague fascination before finally passing beyond my sight.




` ` `Still only semi-aware, I again felt the Earth tremble as the corpse of the creature struck the ground before skidding to a halt in a hail of sand and grit. Finally, drawing a shuddering breath into my now empty lungs, I came back to the world.




` ` `Turning around, I saw that the sandworm lay in a great heap over twenty yards behind me. It looked like it was deflating as its innards oozed out of the two halves of its body to form a repulsive pool of viscera. The hideous stench was already staggering.

` ` `"Holy fucking shit!" I heard off to my right. Looking over, I saw Kerry stagger to his feet and take a few wobbling steps steps toward me, "I'll never call you a fucking poseur ever again! You were literally just glowing with the Light of True Metal! I've never seen anything the fuck like it. At least not from just one dude." The look he gave me when he reached me was one of profound respect and awe. "So, how do you feel?" he asked.

` ` `"I feel like I just nutted in a bitch and now I need a fucking cigarette," and I pulled out my pack of Marlboros and lit up the best god damn cigarette I'd ever had in my life.

` ` `"Hell yeah," he replied with a grin, "Think you can do it again?"

` ` `"What, nut?" I asked, releasing a cloud of gloriously noxious smoke, "Please, I've always got enough to go around."

` ` `"Good," he said, pointing behind me.

` ` `Turning around I saw a deep valley of sand in between the dunes. In the distance, in the center of the valley, were five churning trails of sand approaching at high speed.

` ` `I looked at Kerry. Kerry looked at me. We both smiled.

` ` `"Glory to the brave, Kerry."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, dude."

` ` `Standing side by side, with our heads held high, and our weapons held at the ready, we faced this new threat with the pride of True Metalheads and the Light of True Metal shining upon our brows.

` ` `But as the worms reached the lowest point of the valley, the earth began to shake as it had never before. The savage violence of the tremor threw us to the ground and we watched the valley floor on our hands and knees as the desert itself seemed about to tear itself apart. In horror we saw the sand around the worms, and in the entire valley, begin to empty, as if a great drain in the desert had just been opened. They tried desperately to escape the downward flow, leaping from the sand like salmon hurdling a waterfall, but they soon disappeared into the great avalanche. The heaving of the earth had been steadily increasing the entire time, and now the ground of the valley gave an ear-splitting crack and something began to rise from its depths. At the center of this...thing, was a great emptiness, an emptiness that rose ever higher into the air, surrounded by a curtain of falling sand. The great sandworm was immense beyond all imagining. It could almost have swallowed whole the rock where Oscar and Joey now waited. When it had finished its ascent, it dwarfed the mountainous dunes around it and towered over Kerry and I.
` ` `Having now consumed its diminutive cousins and a great sea of sand besides, the desert leviathan began to close its terrible maw, and even as it shut, the earth trembled. And then it slowly began to descend back into the ground from whence it came. We continued to stare in terrified fascination until the sandworm had fully submerged back into the earth, leaving an immense hole that began to collapse before our very eyes and ever so slowly fill with sand.

` ` `Turning to each other, eyes wide, Kerry tentatively asked, "Run?"

` ` `"Run," I replied, feeling very, very, very small.

` ` `Wasting no more time, we scrambled on our hands and knees before finally managing to make it to our feet and run headlong, tails touching our cocks, for the rocky outcropping and blessed safety as fast as our legs could carry us.

__________________

Trollheart

God-damn it! Don't stop writing! Type till your fingers are bloody nubs! I must know what happened! Mind you I'm disappointed the troll didn't come with you when you saved him, and that you didn't write about it, but this epic battle (ever hear of "Tremors"?) has it all! Gotta have more! More! MORE!!!!! NOW!!!

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018