Unknown Soldier

I think Lars was willing to bend over backwards to say sorry here.

I think the way Dave sulks at the end to be kind of pathetic really, it's not like his dream was totally destroyed......... you know he has his own WORLD FAMOUS BAND as well and who are almost as big as Metallica.

__________________
Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Maybe he's just being bitter about being forced by fate and happenstance to release Risk.

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part I

` ` `When I last left you the forces of True Metal had triumphed over the poseur army of Metallica. The land of the True Metalheads was now flourishing and a new era of peace and bitchin' riffs had been ushered in. Kick ass!
` ` `But a shadow had again descended over the kingdom. A new poseur army had invaded from the North and was ravaging the countryside. King Johan Hegg and General Joey DeMaio had ridden with all of their strength to meet this new threat, but were now hard beset by the hordes of poseurdom.
` ` `No one knew from whence the poseurs had come or who led them so I had been sent to find the oracles Chris Hakius and Al Cisneros of Om in the Desert of Nephren-Ka beyond the eastern borders of the kingdom. With me was a fellowship of the only True Metalheads who could be spared: Oscar Dronjak of Hammerfall who had slain Kirk Hammett at the Battle of Wacken, Kerry King of Slayer, and Joey Belladonna of Anthrax. True Metalheads all. We had ridden a full day and now sought the town of Danzig for rest, ale, and prostitutes before continuing on our quest.
` ` `I rode in front on my horse Grani who was descended from Sleipnir, the eight-legged steed of Odin, with the sword Gram by my side which had been given by Odin to the hero Sigmund before being shattered and then reforged by Varg Vikerness. But I'm sure you queers already know about all of that. Beside me rode Oscar with Kerry and Joe trailing behind us. Anyone who saw us would assuredly have been blinded by the brilliance of the Light of True Metal that shone from such a splended company.

` ` `Riding at a canter over the grassy plain I turned to Oscar with a wide grin, "Dude, I hear Danzig has a righteous fucking brothel! I'm gonna see if I can't leave some of those bitches bow-legged!"

` ` `Oscar gave me a reproachful look, "Brynhild, your lady wife, is a beautiful and honorable woman, who shines with the Light of True Metal. If I had one such as her I would not lay with such...loose women."

` ` `"Yeah, she's pretty awesome and she's a fucking demon in the sack, but that bitch is crazy! I still don't know what happened to that serving wench who kept smiling at me in Johan's hall. All I know is that the next day Bryn made me some sausage that did not taste like sausage. A dude nees to put his dick in something that's not gonna cut it off every now and then."

` ` `"Me thinks that the threat of incurring your lady's wrath is what makes straying from your vows such sport for you, my friend," said Oscar with a knowing smile.

` ` `"Well, you know what they say: the only thing better than angry sex is angry Valkyrie sex."

` ` `"Who says this?" he asked dubiously.

` ` `"I do."

` ` `Then from behind us came the plaintive voice of Joey Belladonna, "Are we there yet?"

` ` `"No."

` ` `"How much longer?"

` ` `"I don't know."

` ` `"My ass hurts."

` ` `"Shut up, Joey."

` ` `"Dude, you don't have to be an asshole. We've been riding all day and I'm hungry, I'm tired, and all this up and down i making my balls hurt."

` ` `"We'll fucking get there when the fuck we get there! Now shut the fuck up before I beat you to death with your own shoes!"

` ` `Joey sullenly hunched in his saddle, grumbling to himself, "Douchebag..." mumble, mumble, "...tell me to shut up..." mumble, mumble, "...put dog shit in your shoes..."

` ` `"Joey's fucking right!" declared Kerry, "I ran out of Jäger an hour ago and I need a fucking drink. There better be an inn with a half decent mug of ale or some motherfucker is gettin' thrown through a window."

` ` `"Kerry, my friend," responded Oscar with a laugh, "You have been swaying in the saddle all day. I do not think that you need any more drink."

` ` `"Fuck that shit!" roared Kerry, pounding his fist against his chest, "I am Kerry motherfucking King! I could drink Thor himself under the table and still get it up to fuck your mother!"

` ` `Looking over my shoulder I called back, "That sounds like a fucking challenge! When we get to Danzig we're gonna drink every drop of ale in that town and then I'm gonna bang two whores for every one you fuck!"

` ` `"And then bed!"

` ` `"Shut up, Joey!"

` ` `With the sun hovering over the horizon before us and less than an hour till sunset we crested a ridge and finally saw the town of Danzig spread out before us. It was a large settlement that looked much like any medieval town: low plaster houses sprawled out in no particular pattern that lay on either side of a wide, swiftly-flowing river and linked by a wide, stone bridge. It looked almost like a fucking post card.
` ` `Strangely though, the sky was beginning to darken and yet there were no lights in any of the windows. It was also a rather brisk evening, but I couldn't see any smoke coming from any of the chimneys. Riding at a brisk walk we cautiously approached the wooden town gates which were gaping wide open. There didn't appear to be any guards. A sense of foreboding descended on the company.

` ` `Bringing his hand to his nose Joe asked in disgust, "Holy shit, what the fuck is that smell?"

` ` `"That is the smell of death," replied Oscar with calm stoicism, though he had the tense look of one bracing himself for the inevitable.

` ` `No one else spoke as we passed through the gates.

` ` `The entire town had been massacred. Street after street was piled high with the dead. Men, women, and children had all been butchered without mercy, and many had been hacked to pieces and mutilated to the point that arms, legs, and viscera lay strewn about in a fetid carpet of gore. The only things that moved were the vast, black clouds of flies.
` ` `My eyes were drawn to a boy, no older than six, laying face down in the blood-soaked mud, with his arms and legs drawn up under him. In his arms he cradled a homemade, stuffed bear as if to protect it from the sword that had cleaved the boy's skull down the middle.
` ` `Behind me I heard someone be violently sick. It must have been Joey. Kerry's disgust would only fuel his rage. Oscar would be in control of himself, but his sense of honor would be screaming for vengeance.
` ` `In stunned disbelief Oscar surveyed the exhibition of atrocities all around us. "This...there are no words to describe such horror. I had thought that such cruelty was beyond even poseurs."

` ` `"I saw the aftermath of a poseur raid in the last war," I responded, "And it looked nothing like this. The townspeople didn't seem to have had time to mount any kind of defense. They didn't even close the gates. It's like whoever did this just appeared out of nowhere. And the town and the fields haven't been burned. The women haven't been violated. I don't even see any signs of looting. This wasn't any fucking raid."

` ` `Nervously peering at all of the surrounding buildings, Joey tentatively asked, "Dudes...do you...do you think it might have been...ghosts?"

` ` `We all turned around to stare at him, but this time nobody told him to shut up.

` ` `Hefting his morning star, Kerry declared, "It was fucking poseurs. Who the fuck else would it be? All I know is that if I see any of you motherfuckers I'm gonna smash your fucking skulls in!" This last was bellowed at the top of his lungs as if in challenge to any poseurs lurking in the immediate vicinity.

` ` `I nodded in agreement, "Let's go hunt some fucking poseurs."

` ` `Setting out to the center of town we were forced to painstakingly pick our way through the carnage that filled the streets, but no matter how carefully our horses stepped, from under their hooves came the sounds of splashing blood, squishing innards, and snapping bone. In the eerie silence that blanketed the town of Danzig, every sound was magnified and echoed obscenely off of the buildings. This would have unmanned lesser men, but we were True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber and did not feel fear the way that other men did.
` ` `When we reached the center of town we found a large, cobbled stone square. Strangely enough there were no bodies. There was only a flat, black, rectangular monolith twice the height of a man standing up straight in the center of the square. At it's foot was a man lying on the ground.
` ` `Dismounting we drew our weapons, Oscar with his broadsword, Kerry with his morning star in one hand and a battleaxe in the other, Joey with his bow, and myself with Gram, and moved towards the mysterious structure, keeping our eyes on the buildings around us. When we reached the man, we discovered that though he was battered and bruised, he was still alive.
` ` `He opened his eyes when I put my arm around his shoulders to prop him up. With a look of sheer terror he weakly struggled against me, "No! No! Get away from me!"

` ` `"Calm down, dude!" I said, gently shaking him, "We're True Metalheads. You're safe now. Tell us what happened here."

` ` `He ceased struggling but looked no less terrified, "They killed everyone! They're all dead! My wife! My children! Right before my eyes! There was nothing I could do!"

` ` `"Who killed everyone? Poseurs?"

` ` `"Yes! It was horrible! They just appeared out of nowhere. They...they were all the same. They all looked the same! The same emo haircuts. The same face. And their eyes...dead eyes. Like the pits of hell they were. And they never said a word. Never showed any emotion. They...they couldn't have been human."

` ` `"You said that they killed everyone. How are you still alive?"

` ` `He had a faraway expression as he said, "After they...they...they did...then they dragged me here to the square. They brought me before an evil woman in black. She laughed at me and told me that you would come and to tell you what had happened here. Then...she must have cast a spell. She spoke words in a strange, hideous language and that...thing rose from the ground. I blacked out after that until you found me."

` ` `"It's over now. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I promise you that my companions and I are gonna get to the bottom of this shit and then poseur heads will roll! What's your name? Can you stand?"

` ` `He nodded and told me that his name was Heinrich and with my help got to his feet. He was unsteady, but managed to stand on his own. Now I turned to the strange monolith.
` ` `It was pitch black and perfectly smooth and didn't seem to be made out of any material that I had ever seen. There didn't appear to be any markings on it's surface, but it was hard to tell since it reflected no sunlight. It looked for all the world like a giant shadow had sprouted from the Earth. Ominous would be a fucking understatement.
` ` `Cautiously Joey stepped up to it and rapped a knuckle against its broad, flat face. It made no noise whatsoever, as if it had absorbed the sound as well as the light. Gingerly taking a step backward he exclaimed, "Well fuck me that is creepy."

` ` `"It certainly does give off a rather menacing aura," responded Oscar with his hand to his chin in a thoughtful expression, "This day only becomes stranger and stranger by the minute."

` ` `Looking at my companions in bafflement I asked them, "So...does anyone have any idea what the fuck this thing does?"

` ` `"Who gives a shit?" growled Kerry as he stalked toward the monolith with his morning star at the ready, "It's not gonna do anything when it's a pile of fucking rubble!"

` ` `"NO, WAIT!" we all shouted as one, but it was too late.

` ` `Rearing back with his mace held high in the air, he gave a roar and struck the bizarre edifice with a blow that would have shattered a man's skull all the way down to his neck.

` ` `But Kerry's weapon didn't so much as scratch it, and his mace rebounded, sending him stumbling to the ground with a curse.

` ` `"Smooth move, Ex-Lax."

` ` `"Shut the fuck up, Joey!"

` ` `During our stay in the town the sun had started to dip below the horizon and now it finally set completely, plunging the world into darkness. When the last rays of the sun withdrew their touch from the monolith it began to glow with a pale, sickly, green light.

` ` `"Well that's not good," stated Joey.

` ` `As we watched it continue to glow, I became aware of strange whispers that seemed to be coming from inside my head. They began to grow louder and louder with each passing second. Eventually they became loud enough that I could understand the hideous, inhuman voices that were chanting over and over again...

` ` `"Su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj, su nioj..."

` ` `"Oh that is double-plus ungood."

` ` `And then the chanting stopped.

` ` `The voices continued however, and grew louder still, but now they were an incomprehensible din, and they were no longer coming from inside my head. They were coming from all around me.




` ` `The demonic whisperings in my head had hypnotized me, but now I became aware of my surroundings again. The townspeople who had laid so thoroughly dead in the streets only minutes before were now shambling toward us in a great, unorganized mass. The vile stench that had already hung over the town had now become a choking miasma that threatened to gag me as the things slowly stalked towards us, arms outstretched, mouths hanging open with wordless moans of hunger. Those without arms didn't seem to mind. Those without legs crawled toward us with single-minded determination. Their eyes were empty and seemed the only things truly dead about them.

` ` `One of the things, what had been a woman, had been gutted, and now "her" entrails dragged behind her like some obscene bridal veil. Her feet became entangled in her intestines and she came crashing to the ground, her head slamming into the ground with a sickening crack, shattering her nose and all of her front teeth. Unperturbed, with her face a bloody horror, she began to crawl.

` ` `"Fucking zombies?! Are you fucking kidding me?!" I cried in stunned revulsion.

` ` `"Stranger and stranger, eh, my friend?" replied Oscar.

` ` `"No shit. Joey!"

` ` `"What?! I didn't even say anything!"

` ` `"No, you idiot! Fucking shoot them!"

` ` `"Oh. Right."

` ` `Joey notched an arrow and aimed at the remains of a woman who would have been beautiful if not for the multiple, gaping stab wounds to her chest and the slashed and tattered dress that exposed one large breast that had almost been severed and now threatened to fall off completely with every step she took. But as he was about to release, screaming in rage, Heinrich threw himself upon Joey, and they went down in a flail of limbs and curses.

. ."NO!" shrieked Heinrich, "That's my wife! I won't let you kill her again! You hear me?! I WON'T!"

` ` `Madness had taken him and he clawed for Joey's throat who was desperately struggling to push the frenzied man off of him. I seized Heinrich by the arm and dragged him off of Joey, putting my other arm around his neck to stop his thrashing, "Calm the fuck down! That moron's on our side!"

` ` `"Hey!"

` ` `But Heinrich only increased his frantic struggling. I cried out in pain and surprise as he sank his teeth into my arm, and he finally broke free and made a mad dash for the approaching zombie hoard.

` ` `"Get the fuck back here, you crazy motherfucker!"

` ` `But he was deaf to my pleas and scrambled towards his "wife". Throwing his arms around her he laid his head down on her shoulder and wept, "Helga! Helga! I'm so sorry! I was too weak to save you! Please forgive me!"

__________________

The Batlord

Return of the Kings of Metal: Part I continued...

` ` `Almost tenderly she wrapped her arms around him in a grotesque semblance of a loving embrace. As Heinrich's tears flowed down her shoulder, his wife descended on his neck with the savagery of an animal, and tore out a ragged chunk of his flesh with a hideous tearing sound. He screamed in agony as a fountain of blood sprayed out over the nearest zombies who were already grasping at him. He was then driven to the ground by the press of undead bodies who then began to feast. His blood-soaked shirt was ripped from his chest and countless groping hands tore into his abdomen and began pulling out his insides to stuff inside of their hungry mouths. Heinrich was soon lost in the seething mass of undead, but his screams could still be heard. Screams of anguish and sheer animal terror that sounded like nothing human.
` ` `As we looked on in horror, Kerry lifted a flask of Jägermeister to his lips that he had apparently found in a pool of blood on the way to the square and quickly downed the entire thing in one long pull. Throwing back his head he let loose a bestial war cry that thundered off of the surrounding buildings and temporarily stopped every zombie in the square in their tracks before charging forward into the horde, cutting every walking corpse in front of him down with ax and mace.
` ` `Roaring like a madman he swung down his morning star and shattered a ghoul's skull into powder and pulp before hacking off the top half of another's head with his battleaxe. One tried to grab his left arm, his ax arm, but, laughing, Kerry pulled away and thrust forward with the mace into it's chest, shattering it's rib cage and forcing a black gob of coagulated blood out of it's mouth as it flew back to land in a heap on the cobblestones of the square. Again and again he struck down the revenants, but for every one he "killed", ten more took their place and he was quickly becoming surrounded.

` ` `Turning to Oscar, I asked, "What's say we help our borderline psychotic friend out? He looks like he could use a hand."

` ` `"Perhaps you are right," he smiled, stroking his sword, "I think that it is time I test my blade against the undead."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, Oscar."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, my friend."

` ` `"Joey!" I called, "Try to keep those freaks off our backs!"

` ` `"I got you big daddy! Let's kick the tires and light the fires!"

` ` `"Right on, Joey!"

` ` `With battle cries of our own, Oscar and I hacked and slashed our way into the mob of walking dead. Side by side we managed to cut a swath of blood and severed limbs all the way to Kerry.

` ` `"Hey!" I shouted to Kerry, "Is this a one pussy party or can any dick insert themselves?"

` ` `"Does it look like I need your fucking help?"

` ` `"Nah, I just wanted to see it when you gave a zombie some brain, you fucking queer!"

` ` `"Hah! You did always like to watch, you sick fuck!"

` ` `"Fuck yeah! Now why don't you make like a bulldozer and clear us a path? We're buggin' out dude!"

` ` `"You're no fucking fun! Well I guess it's time I took you girls by the hand and led you outta here!"

` ` `With Kerry's ax and morning star clearing a path of shattered bones and decapitated heads and Oscar and I guarding his back, we finally managed to fight our way clear of the zombie horde. We were now covered in a rather bitchin' coat of blood and gore. Kick ass!

` ` `"About fucking time!" mocked Joey, who had amassed a respectable pile of arrow-filled corpses around himself, "I thought I was gonna have to run away and leave you dumb fuckers to die!"

` ` `"Kiss my ass, Joey!"

` ` `"It seems that we have only had a temporary reprieve," pointed out Oscar, "We are still surrounded, and the horde shall soon overrun this square, and unless my eyes deceive me our horses appear to have bolted."

` ` `Slashing at a zombie that had come too close I responded, "I noticed. If we're gonna have any chance of completing our mission then we've gotta get across that fucking bridge."

` ` `"If memory serves, then the bridge should be somewhere in that direction," he said, pointing to the East.

` ` `"There's no way we're gonna be able to get through all of that dead meat. We're gonna have to go through one of those houses."

` ` `With Kerry cutting a path through the relatively thin ranks of zombies between us and the nearest house and Joey covering our retreat, we managed to reach our destination. After Kerry smashed the wooden door into splinters we quickly dashed into the house and began searching for another way out. Through the kitchen door Oscar saw a backdoor and called for us to follow him. But no sooner had he entered the kitchen than he was struck from the side and pinned against a wall by one of the creatures.
` ` `The zombie's eyes had been destroyed by a slash from a sword and blood and aqueous humor flowed down its face, but it had no trouble finding Oscar's throat as it tried to throttle the life out him. Oscar repeatedly struck it in the face with the hilt of his sword while desperately trying to keep its snapping maw from sinking its teeth into his face with his other hand, but the ghoul was impervious to pain and was coming inexorably closer and closer.
` ` `With a lightning-quick lunge, Gram pierced through the zombie's temple and came out the other side of its skull with a sickening scrape. It crumpled to the ground with a meaty thud when I withdrew my sword and Oscar sagged against the wall, coughing and clutching at his throat.

` ` `"Many thanks, my friend. I was afraid that the Light of True Metal had deserted me," he said hoarsely.

` ` `"No problem, bitch. Now you get to buy me a nice pair of tits and a whore to go along with 'em at the next inn."

` ` `"I shall buy you four."

` ` `"What tits or whores?"

` ` `"Whichever you prefer."

` ` `"Um, guys?" interrupted Joey, "I hate to interrupt the fuck fest, but there's sort of a horde of flesh-eating zombies coming in through the front door to forcibly remove our brains. I just thought you should know."

` ` `And indeed an ever increasing flood of shambling, undead monstrosities was now flooding into the house and stumbling and crawling toward us, hands reaching for our warm flesh. The look of bloodlust in Kerry's eyes forced me to grab him by the shoulder and forcibly shove him in the direction of the backdoor.

` ` `"Oh no you don't, motherfucker! I'm not having any more of your shit tonight! You get your fucking ass through that fucking door right fuck now!", I screamed, my finger directly between his eyes.

` ` `"No. Fucking. Fun." he growled, glaring daggers at me, but he stalked out the door.

` ` `Running through the door, I was confronted by a seven-foot high brick wall. To either side of us was a narrow, refuse-filled alleyway. Though we couldn't see them from around the corners, on both ends of the alley came the stench and the groans of the undead townspeople.

` ` `"Fuck! Over the wall!" I shouted as I was already scrambling up its face. I drew myself up, kicked my leg up over the top, and dropped down on the other side into another alley running at a ninety-degree angle from the wall.
` ` `Dashing forward, I didn't see the zombie lunging out of the doorway until it was too late. But just as it was bearing down on me, an arrow sprouted out of its left eye, dropping it to the ground with a thud.
` ` `I turned around to see Joey straddling the wall, bow in hand, and another arrow already notched, "Now you get to buy me a bed!"

` ` `"I'll buy you two!"

` ` `After that it was a headlong flight through a maze of alleyways. Several times we were forced to double back after finding a dead end or a pack of ravenous ghouls. But after what felt like hours, we finally found ourselves dumped by the bank of the river not two blocks away from the stone bridge. And past the bridge, less than a block from it, was yet another seething mass of zombies.

` ` `We ran for that bridge as if the very hosts of Hell were behind us. Or in front of us.

` ` `"Faster, faster, must fo faster!"

` ` `"Shut up and run, you idiot!"

` ` `With only seconds to spare, we made the bridge and tried to put as much distance between them and us as possible. But no sooner had we reached the center of the bridge than more of the revenants began to gather at the opposite end and start shambling toward us. With enemies behind and in front of us, we had no choice but to stop.

` ` `"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I exclaimed in disbelief, bent over, hands on my knees, taking in great gulps of air, "All that shit, all that running, and now we get trapped like fucking rats?!"

` ` `"It would appear that, as you would say, we are fucked," sardonically replied Oscar, likewise bent over in exhaustion.

` ` `"So it would appear," I agreed with a resigned laugh, before standing up, taking a pack of Marlboros from my pocket, and lighting a cigarette. "Oh yeah," I said with great satisfaction, blowing out a glorious cloud of carcinogens, "As long as I've got a sword in my hand, a song in my heart, and a cigarette between my lips, then all is right with the world."

` ` `"How the fuck can you smoke at a time like this?!" screamed Joey in disbelief,"What the fuck are we gonna do?"

` ` `"We're gonna die like True Metalheads," rumbled Kerry, raising his weapons in anticipation for one last, reckless charge into the enemy.

` ` `"Don't be so sure, dude," I replied, "Can you swim?"

` ` `"Wuh-yeah..."

` ` `With Kerry standing next to the stone railing of the bridge, I shoved him in the chest, knocking him over the side and into the swiftly-flowing current of the river with a great splash.

` ` `"Dude!" cried Joey, mouth hanging open in astonishment, "What the fuck?! I don't give a shit how good you can swim, that water's going too fast to be able to swim in it! We'll fucking drown!"

` ` `"No time for that," I replied with a wicked grin, "Everyone knows you're not supposed to get in the water till thirty minutes after you've been eaten."

` ` `Before he could respond, I lifted him in the air by the collar of his Iron Maiden shirt and hurled him over the side of the bridge. His cry was interrupted by yet another splash.

` ` `Oscar held up his hands as I turned to him, "I believe that I can get over the side without your assistance."

` ` `"You always were my favorite."

` ` `With a smile and a mock salute, he dove off of the bridge.

` ` `Turning to look at the approaching zombie hordes, I sighed and said, "You know, your town is lovely, and I've had a wonderful time here, but I must say, I find that your cuisine leaves much to be desired." With that I flicked my cigarette over the side of the bridge and dove in after it.

__________________

Unknown Soldier

Enjoying the continuing story and have you ever read any of the Warhammer books, real low-key pulp fantasy fiction with loads of gore, you'd be great writing one of these

__________________
Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Nope. I see a few around, but I'd have no idea where to start. They sound fun though.

__________________

Unknown Soldier

Well if you like badass dwarves, heroic elves, evil dark elves, vile Skaven, villainous sorcerers, vampires and mutant hordes in a huge world full or gore and decay then you'll love it. You can't compare it in anyway to say WoT, it would be like comparing Yes to Motley Crue The centre of the world is based around two states that are based on a medieval Germany and France, but the world is huge. Also you can read them in any order and there doesn't seem to be any any real historical link and cohesion between the different authors. Good places to start are:

Gotrek and Felix saga (based on a dwarf and his human friend)
Malus Darkbalde sage (About an dark elf)
Thunder and Steel (has about three great different stories)
Brunner the Bounty Hunter (about a badass mercenary)

and here he is:

__________________
Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Sold.

Double sold.

Sold to the max.

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part II

` ` `I woke up to the sight of an unfamiliar ceiling. It was a rather nice ceiling. Made outta wood. Wood kicks ass. Fuck plaster. Shit always rains down on you when you're bangin' some chick's head against the headboard. You know, when your fuckin' her, not when you're domestically abusing her. I don't get down with that pussy shit.
` ` `So what was I talkin' about? Oh yeah, wood ceiling. I seemed to be lying in a rather comfortable bed while staring at the aforementioned ceiling. From the sunlight and chirping of birds coming in through the window, I imagined that I had woken up sometime in the morning. Usually I prefer to wake up to Napalm Death and/or a blowjob, but sunlight and birds isn't a bad way to go, all things considered.

` ` `"Oh, you're up!"

` ` `Turning my head in the direction of the voice, I saw that it had come from a rather fetching young lass who had stuck her head in through the door of the small bedroom that I was in.

` ` `"You must be really strong. We, that's me and my pa, reckoned you'd be out for a good while," she gushed in a rapid fire aural assault as she entered the room with what looked like a tray of food on top of a pile of what looked my clothes in her arms. "You looked just like a drowned rat when we, me and pa remember, fished you outta that river. I don't know what you were thinkin' goin' swimmin' in there. You look like you would have more common sense than that. We, well, I, washed your clothes for you. This is a really great shirt. Morbid Angel are awesome, and I don't think I ever saw a Thy Kingdom Come demo shirt before. Did you get this in the capital, or are you one of those guys from the future? Would you like something to eat?" Having now sat down in a chair next to the bed, she offered me the tray of food.

` ` `"Um...sure," I replied, somewhat taken aback by her...enthusiasm. Sitting up and letting the sheet fall away from my chest, I asked, "So, what's your name?"

` ` `Upon seeing the masculine perfection that is my torso, she understandably blushed and looked down at her hands in her lap, "Gretchen."

` ` `Red hair in pig tails, a C-cup, digs Morbid Angel, and her name is Gretchen? The talking was a problem, but I'm sure I could find other uses for her mouth. I wasn't quite sure if she was legal or not, but since this was medieval Germany, I don't suppose it really mattered. "So, Gretchen, beautiful name by the way, did you make this sausage?"

` ` `She nodded, blushing harder than ever.

` ` `"It's nice to see a girl who knows how to handle some sausage. By the way, where am I?"

` ` `She seemed to be having a little trouble with her words now, but when women come into contact with a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself, well...things happen. "Th-this is, um, my pa's farm. W-we f-found you...oh, s-sorry, I already told you that, d-didn't I? Is it hot in here?"

` ` `"No, it's just you. I had three friends with me, did you find them too?"

` ` `"I-I-I...no. O-only you."

` ` `"Too bad. So, where's your father?"

` ` `"H-he, he's in th-the fields. He'll b-be there all d-day."

` ` `"Well, lucky me..."

` ` `Alright, long story short, about...twenty minutes later, I was running butt-naked through a cornfield, with my clothes in one hand and my sword in the other, with a rather irate, pitchfork-wielding farmer in hot pursuit. I wasn't sure if he was angry that I had deflowered his daughter, or if he wanted my to marry her, but either way, it was time to get the fuck outta Dodge.
` ` `Some time later, my flight from the farmer had led me to an area of woods. There, I found a creek to wash the blood off of my dick, after which I put my clothes on and set off to find my friends. And Joey. I wasn't exactly sure where I was, but I was reasonably sure that I remembered seeing these woods on a map, which means that the road to the Desert of Nephren-Ka was...

` ` `Thataway! Boom. We are in business.

` ` `Unfortunately, my chosen direction seemed to include several unavoidable patches of thorny vines, an unfortunately placed pile of deer shit, and one rather ornery hive of bees. So, it was with some relief when, after emerging scratched and rather ornery myself from one of the patches of thorny vines, I finally gazed upon the road.
` ` `But some distance in front of me, I spied what appeared to be two goblins hiding behind a bush facing the road. Feeling more curious than anything, I kept low and silently crept up to the bush. Now about ten feet away, and still undiscovered, I saw that the two goblins were peering through the bush at the road, and were each carrying a crude, iron ax. Lowering my voice to a whisper, I called out, "Hey! Goblin dudes! Whatcha doin'?"

` ` `They both jumped in surprise at the sound of my voice and spun around, axes at the ready. One of them, the leader I imagined, whispered back, "Who the krikshahk are you?!"

` ` `"I'm a True Metalhead! That's all you need to know."

` ` `"Glurth yeah!" he replied, proudly showing off his Burzum t-shirt, while his partner showed me his Emperor shirt, "Hey, get over here in the bushes before some pink face sees you."

` ` `Joining them, I asked again, "So...what's goin' on, uh..."

` ` `"I'm Ugbarth, and this is Raztar. The chieftain cut out his tongue for, you know...using it on his daughter, so he doesn't talk much."

` ` `"Ouch. I feel your pain, Raz. Are you at least still hittin' it on the sly?"

` ` `Raztar's cryptic smile was all I needed to know.

` ` `"And you're behind the bush because...?"

` ` `"Oh yeah," replied Ugbarth, "See, we're waiting all hidden-like for travelers to come by. Then...we waylay 'em!"

` ` `"Waylay?"

` ` `"You know, rob them, kill them, eat them."

` ` `Raztar made some kind of gesture to get Ugbarth's attention.

` ` `"Oh yeah, and if we find any women, well...you know."

` ` `"Ah, I see. You know, that's pretty douchey."

` ` `"We're goblins."

` ` `"Fair enough. So, I'm a traveller. Shouldn't you be waylaying me?"

` ` `"But you're not on the road, stupid."

` ` `"Oh. I guess that makes sense."

` ` `All of a sudden, Raztar made a flurry of hand gestures to Ugbarth, who brightened and looked at me, "Hey, you know three waylayers are always better than two. You wanna help us out? You'll get an even share of everything: money, women, human flesh."

` ` `"That's...tempting, but I kinda got something I'm already doing."

` ` `Another flurry of gestures from Raztar and Ugbarth put his finger to his lips, "Shh! Someone's coming."

` ` `From my vantage point, I couldn't see the traveler yet, but Ugbarth could, "What's that pink face doing? Oh, douche. He's tweeting. Tweeting while walking. Only hardcore douchebags walk and tweet at the same time. This goomfat is getting an ax to his schnarken balls."

` ` `"Hey, wait a minute!" I exclaimed after I could finally see the walk-and-tweeter, "I know that guy! He's one of my friends! That's Joey!"

` ` `"Wait, the walk-and-tweeter is your friend?! Does that mean we can't waylay 'im?"

` ` `"Weeeeell......no, no you can't waylay him. Sorry."

` ` `"Aw, khisbarth!"

` ` `"Hey, it's been real, but I gotta go. Me and walk-and-tweeter gotta see a couple guys about some poseurs."

` ` `"Oh, well, good luck with that."

` ` `"Thanks."

` ` `"If you're ever in this neck o' the woods again, then look us up. Just follow the trail of human bones."

` ` `"Will do. Good luck with the waylaying. I'll see ya when I see ya."

` ` `With that I waved goodbye, left the bushes, and walked down to the road to meet Joey. Since he was looking down at his phone, he didn't notive me as I walked up to him until I'd grabbed the phone, thrown it into the dirt, and stomped it into several million pieces.

` ` `"Hey, what the fuck, dude?!" he protested, "That shit isn't...is that cheering I hear?"

` ` `"Shut up, Joey. I told you, we have to maintain communications silence on a mission. No phones."

` ` `"Oh, right. I knew that!"

` ` `And so, one moron heavier, I continued my quest to find the rest of my company. Not knowing what else to do, we strolled on down the road, hoping that Oscar and Kerry might have had the same idea. After several miles, we still hadn't left the forest, and there was still no sign of our companions, so we were passing the time with a spirited intellectual debate...

` ` `"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" I retorted contemptuously, "Pamela Anderson is the definition of a butterface."

` ` `"It's not about how her face looks," argued Joey, "Her face just radiates sex. She doesn't even have to be trying, but those fuck-me eyes still command your boner to attention."

` ` `"If by 'radiates sex' you mean 'transmits hepatitis', then I agree. Even if I doubled up, I'd still have to stick my dick in bleach after fucking that skeeze. Besides, she never had shit on Carmen Electra anyway."

` ` `"Oh, and you wanna talk about stickin' your dick in bleach? How is she any less of a skeeze than Pamela Anderson? Didn't she fuck Tommy Lee too? Doesn't that mean she has the same hep that Pamela has?"

` ` `"Hey, skeeze she may be, but everything Pamela does, Carmen does better. I'll bet she even sucked Tommy Lee's dick better too. Besides, dumb brunette trumps dumb blonde any day of the week. End of discussion."

` ` `But before Joey could respond, I put my finger to my lips and whispered, "Shh! Do you hear that?"

` ` `"Hear what?"

` ` `"I don't know. It sounds like...slapping."

` ` `"Slapping?...Hey, I think I hear it too. It's coming from over there," said Joey, pointing down the road.

` ` `As we slowly crept towards the sound, it steadily became louder. It was indeed some kind of slapping sound; soft, rhythmic, and...vigorous. It seemed to be coming from behind a tree just off of the road.

` ` `"Dude!" whispered Joey in amazement, "I...I think somebody's whackin' off behind that tree..."

` ` `"Dude...seriously? Who whacks off in the woods?"

` ` `"Robin Hood?"

` ` `"What?"

` ` `"Well, he lives in the woods. What else is he gonna do?"

` ` `"Bang Maid Marian?"

` ` `"But she's a maid. He can't hit that till he marries her. And he can't marry her till he kills King John. And by then he wouldn't be living in the woods anymore."

` ` `"What about the chicks in the secret forest town. You know, like in that Kevin Costner movie."

` ` `"Oh, that movie kicked ass!"

` ` `"I know."

` ` `"But all those chicks would have been the Merry Mens' families. You don't bang your friends' wives or daughters. That's not cool."

` ` `"But they're outlaws."

` ` `"So?"

` ` `"So, they probably had, like, forest orgies, you know?"

` ` `"Dude, they weren't druids."

` ` `"Druids have forest orgies?"

` ` `"Probably."

` ` `"I'll have to remember that. But we're getting off-topic here."

` ` `"Oh yeah. So what, are we just gonna sneak past Slap Happy over there?"

` ` `"Nah, man. I gotta better idea. Just, be quiet, be quiet. I got this."

` ` `Turning to the tree, I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, "HEY, YOU!!! BEHIND THE TREE!!! PUT THE DICK DOWN AND STEP OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!"

` ` `The slapping abruptly stopped, and we heard the frantic sounds of fumbling before a man stumbled from behind the tree, looking around in panic and struggling to pull up his pants.

` ` `And then I recognized the self-polluter.

` ` `"Oscar?" I asked, tentatively.

` ` `"What-what are you doing here?!" he replied in shock.

` ` `"I might ask you the same thing."

` ` `"I-I was...relieving myself."

` ` `"I can see that."

` ` `Joey had said nothing by this point, as he too busy being doubled over with hysterical laughter and struggling to breath, but now he sucked in a gulp of air and hoarsely asked, voice alive with mirth, "Dude! Were you just shaking hands with the Governor behind that tree?!"

` ` `"Wh-what?!" he thundered in fear-laced indignation, "Of course not! I would never shame myself so in public!"

` ` `"Dude, come on," I responded, "We both heard you goin' at yourself. We all do it. It's no big deal."

` ` `Then a memory surfaced, and I turned to Joey with wonder, "Dude, you remember that feast? The one where we caught Oscar doing something with his hand under the table? And he told us he was putting his dagger in its sheath? I think he was...you know...putting his dagger in its sheath."

` ` `Joey's mouth dropped open, "Oh yeah! And you remember after Wacken, when we were having that week-long festival and he kept disappearing into the porta potties for like half an hour at a time? I just figured he had diarrhea."

` ` `"Lies!" screamed Oscar shrilly, "I'm not like you! I am not a deviant!"

` ` `"Dude, give it up," I replied, "We all know you like to spank the monkey in the supermarket."

` ` `His face purple with rage, Oscar exploded, "All right! All right! I was...pleasuring myself! But what do you expect?! Some of us don't have such low standards! So some of us have to...made do! And sometimes...some of us...require some...variety...to keep things...fresh." This last was said quietly, with his head hanging down, staring at the ground.

` ` `"It's okay dude," I said comfortingly, putting my arm around his shoulders, "I understand. Well, not really, but it's gonna be okay. We'll get you a nice high-class call girl at the next town. Okay?"

` ` `"O...okay..."

` ` `"Now come on, Robin Hood."

` ` `"What?"

` ` `"Nothing."

` ` `A few more miles down the road, a few more jokes at Oscar's expense, and a cigarette or three, and I was beginning to feel pretty good. I woke up to sunshine and some strange, had a nice walk through the woods, and now I only had one more companion to find. It was amazing how one good day could erase a night of attempted cannibalism. Now if only I could find some poseurs to wail on.

` ` `Just as I was enjoying my little reverie, I was again stopped by a strange noise. "Hey, you fuckers hear that?" I asked.

` ` `"Aw, not again!" Joey exclaimed in disgust and turned to Oscar, "How many of you sick freaks are there in this fucking forest?"

` ` `Ignoring him, Oscar cocked his head to listen, "It sounds like...shouting. I believe it is coming from somewhere to the left of the road."

` ` `"You sure it's not just someone having a really good go at themselves?"

` ` `Oscar continued to ignore Joey, but he was starting to look like he'd eaten a lemon.

` ` `Drawing our swords, we cautiously made our way off of the road and into the trees. About half a mile away from the road, we discovered a large cave. From the smoke billowing out of the mouth of the cave, it was obviously occupied. The rather loud and colorful swearing coming from inside was another clue.

` ` `"You stupid, god damn, piece of shit motherfuckers! I'll fucking............and then shove it so far up your fucking ass I'll kick your teeth out, you............mother's a fat, ugly slut with genital warts bigger than her saggyass tits!............rip out your rib cage and take a shit on your heart, you wart-fucking son of a............"

` ` `You get the idea.

__________________

The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part II continued...

` ` `Continuing our stealthy approach, we finally reached the mouth of the cave and peered inside: some very crude chairs and a table, bones littering the floor, a staggeringly rancid smell of...I don't wanna know, but most alarming of all were the two gigantic trolls sitting in the chairs in front of a huge fire where they were slowly turning something on a spit high in the air.
` ` `From the impressive string of expletives, I was guessing that that that something was "Kerry motherfucking King". He was drowned out when he was turned down toward the flames, but otherwise the invective was continuous...

` ` `"............you pussy-motherfucking cunts! My grandmother has a bigger cock than............probably be too busy fucking each other to even eat............uh, you're fucking stupid............"

` ` `Rather than being offended, the two trolls seemed rather bored. One of them yawned as the other used a brush to baste Kerry in a marinade of what looked like honey and snot, and Kerry's next profane tirade was lost as he spluttered and retched. Then the yawning troll turned to the other and complained in a restless voice, "When he done, Gork? Me hungry."

` ` `"It ready when ready."

` ` `"How long?"

` ` `"Me don't know."

` ` `"It ready yet?"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort."

` ` `I figured it was about time we did something about this rather fucked situation, so I turned to Oscar and Joey, "Alright, I have experience with trolls, so just let me do all the talking."

` ` `"What do you mean 'let you do all the talking'? You....you're gonna talk to the trolls?!" asked Joey, stupefied.

` ` `"What'd I just say, dumbfuck? Yes, I'm gonna talk to the trolls. Both of you don't say anything. Just stand there and look tough."

` ` `With a concerned look, Oscar asked, "Are you sure that is wise? Shouldn't we devise a plan to ambush them? Even three True Metalheads of the Highest Caliber such as ourselves would be hard-pressed to take on two fully grown trolls head-on."

` ` `"Fuck that. I'm too fucking lazy to come up with some boring plan. Besides, if I can't outsmart two trolls just by wingin' it, then they deserve to eat us."

` ` `Before either of them could object, I stepped into the cave and called out, "Hey! Troll dudes! Watcha doin'?!"

` ` `Both trolls jumped up in surprise and turned to me with incredulous looks on their ugly faces. "Who you?!" demanded one of them, Ort I believe.

` ` `"Shut up, Ort," responded Gork, "You stupid. I talk to human." Turning back to me, he demanded, "Who you?!"

` ` `"Me? I'm just a True Metalhead on a bitchin' quest."

` ` `"Hey!" screamed Kerry, "Get me the fuck outta here!"

` ` `"I got this! You just keep up with the profanity!"

` ` `"You know him, meathead?" asked Gork.

` ` `"Yeah, actually. He's sorta my friend. That's why I'm here. I was wondering if, as a personal favor to me, you could just let him go?"

` ` `With baffled, cretinous looks, the trolls glanced at each other for a moment before bursting into hysterical laughter.

` ` `"You funny, meathead! We kill you before we eat you. Ort, get club. We kill him."

` ` `"I guess you're not as dumb as you look, troll dudes."

` ` `"What you say?! Gork smartest troll in world! Gork squash you like bug!"

` ` `"I see how smart you are. Obviously you know you can't beat me in a test of wits, so you kill me before I can outsmart you. That's smart, dude."

` ` `"You not smarter than Gork! What this 'test of sits'? Gork show you! Gork sit better than anyone!"

` ` `"Uh...that's 'test of wits'. And you should just kill me now before I embarrass you."

` ` `"YOU NOT EMBARRASS GORK! WE DO TEST OF WITS! ME EMBARRASS YOU! THEN GORK SQUASH YOU!"

` ` `"Alright, dude, chill out. You ever heard of tic-tac-toe?"

` ` `"Uh...no."

` ` `"Well, it's kind of complicated, and I don't know if a troll'll be able to just pick it up."

` ` `"You shut up and tell Gork how do 'tic-tac-toe'!"

` ` `"Well, alright then. First, I'm gonna need a stick."

` ` `I then pulled a large piece of wood out of a pile next to the first while the trolls watched me suspiciously. Using the stick, I drew a large tic-tac-toe board in the dirt between Gork and myself.

` ` `"Alright, so just to show you how to play, I'll go first. Okay?"

` ` `"Uh...okay."

` ` `"Okay. So, first I draw an 'X' right in the middle square."

` ` `"Uh huh."

` ` `"Then you put an 'O' right above my 'X'."

` ` `"Alright."

` ` `"Then I put another 'X' to the right of your 'O'."

` ` `"Um...yeah, okay."

` ` `"And now you have to put an 'O' right under that 'X'."

` ` `"Got it."

` ` `"And then I put an 'X' right here. I win."

` ` `"What?! You not win!"

` ` `"Yeah, see where I got those three 'X's all lined up? That means I win."

` ` `"Uh...YOU TRICK GORK!"

` ` `"Hey, I won fair and square, so don't be such a sore loser. That shit's not cool."

` ` `"We play again! Me win this time!"

` ` `"Well, if you insist."

` ` `"Hey, me want turn!"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort! You too stupid!"

` ` `"You already had your turn, Gork, and I beat you. It's Ort's turn now."

` ` `"Fine! First Ort lose, then we eat meathead. Hurry up and lose, stupid."

` ` `"Me not stupid, me win!"

` ` `"Alright, since you're the challenger you get to go first, Ort. First, you put an 'X' right there in the middle."

` ` `"Okay."

` ` `"Then I put an 'O' right on top of your 'X'."

` ` `"Uh huh."

` ` `"Then you put an 'X' right next to my 'O'."

` ` `"Sure."

` ` `"And I put an 'O' right under your 'X'."

` ` `"Alright."

` ` `"And then you put your 'X', no not there, right there. You got it. Oh, man, you just won!"

` ` `"What?! Me win?!"

` ` `"What?! He win?!"

` ` `"Me smarter than Gork!"

` ` `"Shut up, Ort! You know you stupid!"

` ` `"As least me not as stupid as you!"

` ` `"What?! Me kill you!"

` ` `"Me kill you first!"

` ` `In the ensuing chaos, Oscar, Joey, and I rescued Kerry from the spit and certain tastiness. As we were strolling out of the cave to the sound of much crashing, banging, and cursing, Joey slapped me on the back, "Dude, I gotta say, that was the damnedest thing I have ever seen in my life."

` ` `"The fucking pussiest shit you've ever seen in your life, you mean," growled Kerry in contempt, "What the fuck am I supposed to say in the mead hall? 'My brothers in arms, the Truest Metalheads that ever lived, saved my life playing tic-tac-toe with a couple of trolls'? Fuck that shit!"

` ` `"The mind can be sharper than any blade, my friend," retorted Oscar.

` ` `"Whatever."

` ` `"And having Ort win in the end was cool," said Joey, "That Gork dude was a tampon."

` ` `"Yeah, Ort kinda needed a win there," I replied.

` ` `"But what if Gork kills Ort?"

` ` `"What do you mean?"

` ` `"Well, it'd be kind of fucked up if after all of that, Gork killed Ort."

` ` `"Dude, he's a troll."

` ` `"I know, but now I'm kind of emotionally invested in Ort. You know what I mean, right?"

` ` `"Maybe. What do you want us to do? Go save Ort?"

` ` `"Why not?"

` ` `"Why not?! Cause he's a fucking-ah, hell with it. Let's go help him."

` ` `"Wait," interjected Kerry, "We're gonna go save the fucker that was just trying to eat me?"

` ` `"Yes."

` ` `"The mead hall never hears of this."

` ` `"Agreed."

__________________