Trollheart

Again, absolutely brilliant and worthy of a movie: no, a series of movies! Lots of cool merchandising tie-ins, of course. And several albums with the soundtrack.

As for how you got back, I heard a minstrel wandering away from the wall of noise that was the festival spake thusly:

"And when the Batlord, who had helped us all rid the land of False Metal forever, was accosted most grievously by his bride-to-be in the latrine, there was only one place he could go, one escape, and so it proved. Headfirst down the bog he went, and that was the last the land ever saw of this brave hero."

What they didn't know was that the toilet had been built on a wormhole, and that led you back to the present. Maybe. Or off on another, unplanned adventure? The choice is yours....

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Unknown Soldier

Just finished Part IV.B the only problem I've got with this, is that you gave Varg too easy a death.

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

The Batlord

Just out of curiosity, are you just getting around to it or were you waiting til the whole thing was up?

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The Batlord

An Edumacation for You Dumb Cunts: Part Zwei

James Chance and the Contortions

Yeah, so The Contortions aren't a metal band. What, you thought I only listened to metal? Well, FUCK YOU! There are plenty of non-metal bands out there for the open minded metalhead, and James Chance and the Contortions are one of the finest. How should I describe them? Well...you know how sometimes you get a bit antsy, and you just need to stop taking the Ritalin for a bit cause you feel like it's eating your brain and you get sick of all the judgmental FUCKS trying to HANDLE YOU and turn you into some carbon copy pretty person who's FUCKING NORMAL and BORING and whose soul is just as DEAD as their's so you quit taking THE DEMON PILL but now your mind is going HERE and HERE and THERE and EVERYWHERE but not there never there that's the bad place so you gotta put on some righteous tunes to bring order to the madman's breakfast that is now your mind.

Excuse me as I wipe the spittle from my computer screen. There. All better.

The Contortions are the perfect band for this. Part of the New York No Wave scene of the late seventies along with such well adjusted and sensible bands as Swans and Teenage Jesus and the Jerks, the Contortions were out to finish the job that punk started and finally burn rock'n'roll to the ground and make an abstract, stream-of-conscious finger painting out of the blood and ashes even while the flames were still burning unchecked and the screams of the dying surrounded them but those who were burning had brought it on themselves so they're only getting what they deserve but when all is quiet and the rubble is cool then the Contortions will have nothing left no reason to exist all their energy spent empty meaningless dead and they shall cease to exist.

First you got the rhythm section. Frantic and chaotic, but with an infectious groove like old school R&B on cocaine and acid that hypnotizes your addled mind with its simple hysteria. Jaggedly zig-zagging around the beat like a deranged hummingbird are the shrill blasts of James Chance's saxophone capturing the formless thoughts flitting about in the background of your brain and bringing them into alignment. And to finally pummel your now terrified and desensitized consciousness into submission come Chance's vocals. They switch from a playful, nihilistic croon to a tortured scream that makes Henry Rollins sound like James Blunt at the drop of a dime. Sick nasty. You should now either be calm and centered, or are being forcibly removed from a potted plant in the mall and are now on your way to a mental institution. Either way, the Contortions fucking rule.

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Unknown Soldier

I was waiting until the whole saga was done, but I noticed that it was getting bigger and bigger (no sexual pun intended here) and decided to dive in and read some of it before the monster of a saga got out of control.

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Metal Wars

Power Metal

Pounding Decibels- A Hard and Heavy History

Scarlett O'Hara

Who are we kidding, Batlord will make it sexual!

Batlord you're a great writer, I'm currently still working on that 5-6 part piece that you have written. You really are my Metal God.

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The Batlord

I have now finished relating my totally true story. You may bask in my gloriousness.
Of course I am.

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The Batlord

The Most Metal People In History

Some Baby Smoking a Cigarette

Just look at this fucking baby! If he's smoking as an infant, then just imagine how badass he will be when he's an adult. I might have to kill him while he's young, lest he challenge my hegemony as the most badass person on Earth. And I'll just bet that he's not looking at the camera because he's looking at two chicks mud wrestling to Slayer.

General George S. Patton

I'm sure that this won't surprise anybody, since George Patton is a well known kicker of asses and taker of names. During the Battle of Kasserine Pass it is said that when the American forces were about to be defeated, Patton dropped paratroopers behind German lines where they started a circle pit, bringing panic to the enemy and allowing the American army to retreat.

Sanada Yukimura (a.k.a. Sanada Nobushige)

If Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwarzenegger had a child, Sanada Yukimura would strangle him to death with his pubes. Dude fought overwhelming numbers against the Shogun, Tokugawa Ieyasu, and managed to win many battles, but when he was finally faced with defeat, and exhausted from putting his foot in and then removing said foot from his enemies' asses he told them, "I am Sanada Nobushige, no doubt an adversary quite worthy of you, but I am exhausted and can fight no longer. Go on, take my head as your trophy." Now, don't you feel like a pussy?

Iggy Pop

I'm sure even you foot lickers know of the sheer awesomeness of Iggy Pop, but if you're an ignoramus who's been living in a cave and talking to a ring for your whole life, then I shall educate you: dude invented the stage-dive just to explore the art of the concussion, he rolled around in broken glass on stage just because he had an itch that he couldn't scratch, and he once fought a moose because it stole his heroin. Alright, I made that last one up, but I'm sure he would if it came to that.

Jet Li

I would talk about Jet Li, but even descriptions of Jet Li move so fast that they become a blur to weaklings like you.

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Trollheart

Can I just say, wtf??? Where did this line come from? I hate that ****ing show! Remove this accusation immediately, or face the wrath of my highly-priced lawyers!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

The Batlord

I have no idea what show you're talking about, but if you want it taken down then stop wiping your poop dick on innocent girls' upper lips.

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