Distortion

Mondo Bungle · 10-29-2016, 05:48 PM

actually finished something https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...LmaTaVq2wQ/pub

Mondo Bungle · 12-22-2016, 07:18 PM

I bring good tidings on behalf of TRBLSLD industries

I am actually a fan of this holiday season. It brings to life a general feeling of jovial affability. There are die hard holidayers out there that emanate joy and cheer. The commercial aspect is meaningless to me but the hype that builds during the season is that of glee. I always hope everyone has a fantastic holiday stretch. I know I haven't for so long, and have often felt terrible, and would never wish anyone else to feel the same. From experience, it's not a good time. I'd rather eliminate the negativity altogether. Whatever you do or celebrate, it is still a time for coming together and kind spirits.

Even before moving some three years ago, Christmas had already begun its downward spiral for me. I think we've been completely penniless for the last five years or something, and morale dropped further with each one. Family, relations, positivity has since reached an all time low. The most wonderful time of the year has day in and day out eroded the self esteem of myself and those around me.

My first Christmas living in lake tahoe came in 2013. We'd only been here for three months, living consistently at the same weekly motel. While the holidays approached, we were living in our most impoverished situation yet. My parents were both jobless for so long and when winter came, the misery really kicked in.

My mom hates the way we live and never hesitates to be vocal about it. My dad has manic swings of mood constantly, so even though the angriest moments make it so hard to refrain from grabbing a kitchen knife and slitting his throat right there, barely is there ever any true substance to it. My mom doesn't understand that, all she does is make it worse. Life is just sooooo horrible for her that anything she says can launch a full on fit of completely unwarranted fury. I wish she'd learn, for how much it happens. She can't stand life and gives off nothing but extreme cynicism for everyone around, as if we weren't in the exact same place.

Poor and frustrated, a night I'll never forget snapped the threads of positivity once and for all. It was the worst night of my life at the time and the hardest I've ever cried. The first real display of emotion from myself, that I never thought I'd be capable of. As my blackout drunk father goes on and on about how much better he us than everyone else, and how he does so much for everyone on earth for nothing in return, my mom was packing her things and threatening to leave it all behind. Not the first and not the last time that's happened. A pretty frequent thing that never falls through. I hate to see her cry. I to see either of them cry. The image is a complete blow to the heart of a child. Continuing on about the world all coming together just to destroy him, my dad slurred out nonsensical derisions with no context at all. The second came that I lost it. I responded to his delusional ranting with some smart ass statement, and with that as always came this fit of psychotic rage. Already, crying, I start lashing out, I couldn't control it, it's been building for so long. I screamed these horrible things, how I wish he would just die, how I've always wanted to do it myself. At the top of my lungs I said the most horrible things that no one should hear, especially their own son. I ripped a lamp from the wall to heave at time but it didn't go far being plugged in, then I settled for a glass against the wall. My mom tried to get in the middle but he pushed her to the floor to get closet to me. I was so paranoid that he was going to hit me, but he never actually did, at least. Broken glass and debris was strewn about the room. He'd leave eventually which created a chill out buffet. But I couldn't chill. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I was weeping so immensely that I was a sobbing incoherent wreck. Everything getting soaked with tears. He never came back during the night, and I never stopped crying.

I'd try to leave now too. I'd try to hitchhike to Reno but only got to the end of town before being driven back. My mom would tell me that he was really sorry. He could never admit it on his own. You have no idea how bad that makes me feel. Like I said before, all you can do is let it pass. But I flipped into a horrible outburst, and I couldn't forget or take back the things I said. In the heat of the moment I'd completely rip into this man, unwarranted. Alcohol is seriously so bad for him and destructive, he really shouldn't drink. I told him that I wanted him dead. He doesn't deserve that.

The next day began and progressed as usual, what happened was over and we need to forget, but you never can. The moment will stick with you forever. If I thought that was bad, I had no idea what would come later. So Christmas came and I hadn't seen either of my parents the entire day.

2014's holiday season was nothing out of the ordinary. We remained poor and all the usual problems came up over and over, nothing new. Moving every week was taking it's toll on my parents, and crippling dejection surrounded us. Home for Christmas in a hotel room different from the night before. Nothing at all felt like this season.

Jumping a head to this year, the decline began early. We were actually in a house for a long time at one point. Now it was the inner turmoil, brewing thicker and thicker than before. I honestly believe that my parents should not be together. They torture each other regularly. They make things up literally just make a new problem when there isn't one to be found. Every night, I had to experience it. It's no lover's quarrel, no argument that passed shortly. It was a complete storm of derision, accusations, and meaningless negativity. The absolute worst day I've had came in that house. I thought I was crying as hard as I could. But my oh my... This night. This night changed my life. This night changed everything for us. We were in the house for just a few months

Lying in my makeshift bed holding my head in my hands, hearing the meaningless bickering, it's almost as if they can't function without starting problems with one another. I couldn't take it anymore. I threw the lamp beside my bed to the ground and screamed louder and more passionately than I'd ever thought possible for me. At the top of my lungs, maybe even beyond that, I screamed "shut up", and went on to tear into them with such hurtful cries that I started to hate myself mid-breakdown. Now my dad rushes downstairs to confront me while I continue this onslaught. Tears now start forming in my eyes while I flail my limbs around and shred my throat with these horrible screams. Yelling out things I can't recall but know they hurt at the time. I'm hyperventilating now, barely able to see straight and I authoritatively tell him how much they make me want to kill myself every day, that being in their presence is pure torture. I can't believe what's happening. Now as he's laying into me at the same level I did him, I start getting dressed to leave. I'm thinking now that this is it, if I don't leave I'm going to hurt someone. He says something that hits the nerve, and I grab a drawer from the dresser down here and throw it into him. I've just about lost control if my actions now and for some reason take the glass of water I'd been drinking before all this and shatter it against my own skull. Flailing more and stumbling around my dad strikes me with his forearm and then holds me down to the ground telling me to stop. Face down now a violent stream of tears pours out of my eyes, and I begin weeping the hardest I ever have. Still holding me down yet now with an apologetic tone my dad tells me to relax while I continue the vehement crying. Both of us are now, it was a rush of adrenaline from us we couldn't control. I can't breathe through my nose as it's completely clogged from the sobbing and I still can't control the breathing through my mouth. I think the anger has passed and through tears my dad apologizes and goes on to try and explain all these things that happen. All these problems we all have. I feel absolutely terrible for this outburst and would eventually cry myself to sleep.

This is no way to feel, not for anyone. And so from the bottom of my heart I'd like to wish everyone a happy holiday season

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard · 12-22-2016, 10:34 PM

mondo

Mondo Bungle · 12-23-2016, 02:24 PM

that's the name

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard · 12-23-2016, 03:27 PM

I hope things get better for ya dawg

Trollheart · 12-23-2016, 03:28 PM

And a very Happy Christmas to you too, Mondo. Hope you have a good one.

Mondo Bungle · 12-23-2016, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Qwertyy

I hope things get better for ya dawg

Everything I say on the Internet is a lie though, right

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard · 12-23-2016, 03:39 PM

idk you tell me

Mondo Bungle · 12-23-2016, 03:45 PM

I'm pretty sure that's the general consensus and there's mo proof otherwise.

Majority rules and my life is a lie.

Ol’ Qwerty Bastard · 12-23-2016, 03:48 PM

sounds pretty legit to me. ****ty, but legitty.

12-23-2016, 03:28 PM	#56 (permalink)
Trollheart Born to be mild Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 404 Not Found Posts: 26,992	And a very Happy Christmas to you too, Mondo. Hope you have a good one. __________________ Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018