mr dave

It’s not the first time I try setting myself up with goals that have built in backdoors. There’s never any real risk aside from bruising my pride and shaming my ego. I’ve become so rusty over the last few years that while I can still play bits and pieces of things playing anything more substantial is significantly messy. The lack of chops and practice is something I’ve been aware of for a while but in denial. They do come back in time, but what happens when the only spark is a fake one? Do you keep lying to yourself hoping it turns to truth?

I remember a thread being started years ago on another forum about an older guy wondering about the loss of his spark. At the time it seemed like a foolish impossibility to me, this guy was obviously a sham, not a real musician, otherwise that spark and desire would still be there. It’s not.

Is the thrill really gone? Is it time to turn out the lights now that the music is over?

Sometime during the last two weeks I stumbled upon this particular clip on youtube; it’s 4 hours long so click it at your own risk.



It’s all sorts of behind the scenes stuff and uncut interview footage with Faith No More during the recording of Angel Dust in early January 1992. Jim Martin’s interview is particularly painful. At some point during Billy and Roddy’s interview they discuss that spark and how they hope it never leaves them. With Jim’s it seems as though he’s trying to hold the spark to a particular point. Still complaining about how ‘disco’ ruined good music… in 1992.

Urban’s recent comment about me and Soundgarden had me wondering if I’d become a stagnant stick in the mud as well. To an extent I am, the early 2000s is when I started denying the loss of an interest in finding new music to myself. That timeframe also coincides with my choice to push my personal attitudes and direction onto my bandmates and forcing improvisation, even when certain elements started becoming common and recognizable. The fact is I just don’t care to find new stuff anymore, if it just happens, great; if not, I’ve still got lots – I’m just not going out of my way to dig anymore. I think a lot of it stems from the same kind of dynamic as the loss of my spark. It’s like trying to maintain a sense of awe when not only do you know how the magic trick happens, but it’s not even trying to be hidden anymore.

In that sense of exposure I’m going to start documenting the thought process going through the rebuilding of that jam track. I remember my father telling me anecdotes about their band getting signed and some of the early process of getting their first album recorded. A couple of the guys essentially had a jam house in the middle of Toronto where the other guys would spend the majority of their time. Once the contracts had been signed and things were afoot for the album the label sent a bunch of people to the house to make arrangements for the studio; and arrangements they made. There was apparently one older woman, all very prim and proper amidst the mess of dirty hippies and suits, and while the band ran through their set she just sat there and wrote non-stop in some book journal looking thing. When they got to the studio they found out that she had actually been transcribing every single part for every instrument while the band was performing. Everything was documented and arranged to maximize the efficiency of the studio time.

I don’t need to maximize efficiency; there are no deadlines only attention spans. But I’m still cutting this short this week, today has been non-stop randomness and I’m hungry. Next time, if I can do my regular Sunday morning veg out and drink coffee / type, I’ll be documenting the deconstruction and reconstruction of that bass line.

__________________
i am the universe

mr dave

This track always make me feel like I'm waking up and exploring the first thoughts that occur in those moments. Seems appropriate for an entry that's all about exploring my musical thought process.

Alright, so in my continuing attempt to force myself out of my comfort zone let's rip up that August 3rd track. I'm going to focus on the bass first since that's what I played. One thing I'm really noticing with this experiment is just how much more I perceive hearing than what's actually played. Then again we also did try refining that one a bit so we could play something at least half-baked at a show so I'm likely remembering that version when I actually have the instrument in my hands. Either way I think it's important to record everything. On one hand it's superfluous, but on the other it affords full perspective from the initial creation through to the final revisions (if any).

So listening back to that track with instrument in hand with the intent of refining it, first thing I'm recognizing is how much fat there is that needs to be trimmed. It's to be expected though, improvising is like a meditative exercise in my experience, and just like meditating it only really happens until you notice its happening, compound that between the psyche of three individuals and it becomes a tricky balancing act to maintain all 3 suspended consciousnesses. As a result I kind of see the piece as a trio of triples, 3 instrumental voices, 3 main elements, and 3 rhythm structures.

For the 3 main elements I see it as a main / alternate theme, a bridge, and an outro. The main and alternate themes are repeated twice, first to establish a form, then to expand upon it, the third time serves to launch into the bridge before transitioning to the outro.

The 3 voices are relatively obvious, drums, bass, and guitar. Though I'm using the Mountain Song approach I discussed way back and looking to the bass as the sonic / rhythmic foundation in the first element, then a melodic accompaniment for the bridge, and finally for the outro not necessarily a lead voice but disconnected from the rhythmic structure enough to be able to take off on a vamp.

I've tabbed out plenty of bass lines in the past but I've never actually sat here and tried to figure out what specific notes were ever being played. For the sake of my sanity when it comes time to trying to figure out what kind of homemade chords J used to play his guitar part I'm going to add an extra line to the bass tabs to specify the notes.


For the main theme I feel the rhythm in three parts 1-2|123|1-2-3-4.
G-----------|-------------|--------------------------
D-----------|--3----------|---------3----------------
A---3-h-5--|------5-------|-----3-------5~~~~-----
E-----------|---------0-3-|-5------------------------
----C---D------F--D--E-G---A---C---F---D-----------

G-----------|-------------|----------------------------
D-----------|--3----------|---------3----------5--3---
A---3-h-5--|------5-------|-----3-------5---X--------
E-----------|---------0-3-|-5-------------------------
----C---D------F--D--E-G---A---C---F---D-----G--F---

G-----------|-------------|--------------------------
D-----------|--3----------|---------3----------------
A---3-h-5--|------5------|------3-------5~~~~-----
E-----------|---------0-3-|-5------------------------
----C---D------F--D--E-G---A---C---F---D-----------

G-----------|--------------|---------
D-----------|--3-----------|---------
A---3-h-5--|------5--0--3-|-5~~~~-
E-----------|--------------|---------
----C---D------F--D--A--C---D-------

While that's written out across 4 chunks I still see it as 3 parts since the first and third chunks are the same. Another thing tabbing this out is helping me recognize is the inherent balancing act my brain pulls off when I play. I don't think to balance the rhythmic figure but when I see the extra notes in the 2nd chunk that match the amount of missing notes in the 4th chunk it's kind of hard to deny. The other thing I'm noticing is D, F, A are the core notes which makes the next jump kind of harsh.

The alternate theme changes the rhythm structure a bit, I see it as a single part similar to the final structure in the main theme but with an extra 'and' so... 1-2-3-4and|1-2-3-4and etc. My natural instinct is to rewrite this part to start in D so it leads off the last note from the main theme but it limits the dynamic motion of the music, the original has it starting in E and that extra step up really serves to distinguish the parts so I'm going to stick with it for now. This part is put together similar to the main theme (1st bar, 2nd bar, 1st bar, 3rd bar)

G-------------------------|----------------------------|----------------------------
D---2----5----------3----|----2----5---------X--3-----|---2----5-----------------
A-------------------------|-------------------------5--|---------------------------
E--------------3----------|-------------3--------------|-------------33-33-3--
----E----G-----G----F----|----E----G---G--------F--D--|---E----G---G----------

The next major element is the twist / bridge where the guitar demands a momentary change in rhythmic direction and the bass becomes the accompaniment. This transition takes places after the main theme is played a 3rd time as a replacement to the alternate theme, it starts with the same initial 4 note bar but then takes off in a bouncier / slightly reggae direction with a lot more right hand noodling.

G-------------------------|------------------------------------------------
D---2----5----------3----|----2-22-2----5-55-5----------------3-3-55-4---
A-------------------------|------------------------------------------------
E--------------3----------|-------------------------3-33-3-----------------
----E----G-----G----F----|----E---------G----------G----------G---A--G#--

That 2nd bar gets vamped a bit before resuming a proper return to the alternate theme for its final play before the outro. The outro itself continues twisting the alternate theme and vamping it out. It starts off by alternating doubled notes with a funky staccato repeat (where the first note of the pairing is the muted string) before flipping back to a heavier version of the main theme to wrap everything up.

G-------------------------------------------------------------
D---2-2---X-2----5-5---X-5--------------X-3---X-3----5--3---
A--------------------------------------------------------------
E------------------------------3--3----------------------------
----E-------------G-----------G----------F-------------G---F--

The above line gets repeated as necessary before ending on the low G notes and then launching into this final twist on the main theme.
G-----------------------------------------------------
D------------------3---3-----------------5555444433--
A---5-5-X5555---5---5--------------------------------
E---------------------------3--3--3--3----------------
----D------------G-D-G-D--G-------------G---F#--F---

...and then it ends on this as opposed to those low Gs and that run on the D string.
G-------------------------------------
D------------------3------------------
A-------------3--------5~~~~--------
E---3----5-----------------------------
----G----A----C----F--D---------------


(holy crap formatting tab for a forum post is a pain in the ass)

__________________
i am the universe

mr dave

So here we are again, another 2 weeks and another 1000 words. Is it really necessary? Considering it's happening on the internet I think it's safe to say probably not, but whatever. This whole exercise was less about achieving anything and more about pushing myself to attempt something. My hope is that by addressing it directly and stripping myself of the excuses and back doors that something would change. In a sense I am noticing some change, but it's not necessarily the one I wanted to present. The longer I work towards typing this journal thing the more I realize I'm less of a musician than I ever thought. Sure I've got gear, sure I could play full albums worth of covers back in the 90s, sure I jammed with friends and played on a stage a couple of times in the 00s, so what?

I've come to realize I'm a very objective oriented person, if there's no practical goal or purpose I'm really not likely to put any effort towards something, and let's face it, there's little to nothing practical about playing music. That's not to say there isn't a point or value to it, but it's not a necessity to survival. Without food or water you would die, without music you would have to develop the mental strength to address the voices in your head, whether it's simply boredom or reflections of a more sinister issue, the music generally serves as a mirage to draw the attention of the conscious mind away from the elements of the subconscious it doesn't want to deal with.

There was an article on Cracked recently about the bad habits formed by growing up in broken homes. I'm exhibiting one of the main ones right now. It's apparently very common for people who grew up without traditional support structures to set themselves up with major projects that always invariably fail. It's like a bizarro Field of Dreams situation except none of us live in movie land, even if we build it, we're still broken. We lack the ability to follow through, then again when the people who created you were unable to maintain the collaboration that resulted in your own existence is it really any wonder that there are issues with completing things? On the other hand by never actually finishing anything we never have to deal with ending it and closing it off. In a sense never finishing something is a way of assuming control of the situation, a control that was never afforded to the individual when their base support structure crumbled around them during childhood.

On the other, other hand, I'm still able to keep writing these words every other week so I am making some progress on the whole issue. Though I'm debating with myself now as to whether or not I'll keep this going next year. Who knows.

In the meantime I should dust off one of my guitars but instead I'm pouring another cup of coffee. Fact is when I try playing the lines in that last blurb there's still something missing. When I stop looking at it like individual parts I can't play that bass line all the way through to something that feels like complete whole, I'm pretty sure it's just minor transitions but it's lacking something. Then again I've never tried composing either, and most definitely not with the current attempt of mentally conceptualizing the music then trying to write it out with letters and numbers before really picking up the instruments.

For the most part the guitar would be alternating between reflecting and accentuating the bass line. I added the notes last time to make it easier for me to figure out what chords to play, but what I really want to try is mixing up the voicings for those chords. Not entirely sure how I'm going to approach that yet though, especially where I feel the bass line is unfinished.

One thing I find myself missing is the spark from playing with another person. I find it rather boring to play music entirely by myself, there needs to be another person involved in order to help create some kind of motion within the music. Without a muse there is no music, only organized sound. In my youth I didn't necessarily have something to say but I had a desire to be heard, as I enter middle age that desire has faded as I've come to accept that anything I might say could never be more valid than any other person's message. But deep down I still miss -it-. That feeling of weightlessness when it all clicks in place. The point when what is said through the music is simply the feeling of the sound resonating through your soul and your conscious mind takes a break and allows your being to exist in the moment. That's not something that can be planned, only something that happens, and only recognizable when it's over.

I'm not abandoning my attempt to refine and reconstruct an old jam. I'm just avoiding working on it this weekend because it would honestly feel like work rather than something I think I should enjoy. As someone who fancied himself an artistic rather than commercial musician I think it's a necessary decision to take. Though as a broken person attempting to address some cracks in their psyche I think it's a cop out. Heck I didn't even have a song picked out for this entry until right now, looking back at all the back and forth duality going on (and the fact that I'm jonesing hard for a pipe to bake my wake) this particular tune seems rather appropriate.



Also, is it just me or does Adele kind of sound like her?

__________________
i am the universe

mr dave

I can see the Shark, but I can't tell on which side of the Jump I'm on.

When I first started this journal I had some basic ideas of what I wanted to accomplish with it - that didn't really work out and things kind of took off in their own direction. At this point it's more of a vehicle to exorcise issues from my psyche. By physically typing them out and posting them in a relatively anonymous public domain I'm able to better see them for what they are and overcome them. The issues live here now, not in the back of my head. Though at the same time this is becoming far more of an exercise and less of a creative outlet. I find I'm having to force myself to work on these entries now, which might actually be a good thing since that also means I don't have as much crap in my head that I feel needs to be removed. On the other hand I don't know how much more content I've got to add to this journal, or how regular future updates will be. It's a weird situation, like scraping the bottom of the barrel, I can stop and wallow in the emptiness of that box, or I can keep clawing at the base and see if there's anything on the other side.

I'm not so foolish as to think any of my ramblings truly amount to anything of valued substance to anyone reading this, my words are the epitome of self-centered first world problems; but getting over your ego is a lot easier said (or typed) than done. This thread is really just another stepping stone to get over that mountain. At the same time I can't pretend as if no one has read this or been influenced by some of my words, whether directly or indirectly. I can't help how other people choose to interpret my thoughts and if they'll choose to recognize the context they're presented within.

Something else I've noticed is that the more I type into this thing the less inclined I am to post in the rest of the forum. It just doesn't seem to matter as much to me anymore (that and Borderlands 2 is super addictive). It's kind of like the way my approach with music has developed (or devolved) over the last few years. I still play some sort of musical instrument at least a few times a week but there's little to no honest desire to do anything besides just play with it. I might load up songsterr for a tab or two but I never take the time to truly learn what I'm reading rather than just fool around with the notes in the moment. It reminds me of an attitude a lot of the old school jazz cats had about recording music back in the 50s. A lot of them were apparently very resistant to the studio and what it represented since it limited their ability to improvise and allow the music to become something more than the sum of its parts. There's something about making a conscious attempt to create versus allowing for a subconscious event to happen that seems to limit or diminish the spark from within art.

From my perspective it was that conscious desire to force a successful artistic creation that caused me to develop with so many insecurities. While I'm now better able to recognize the probable causes that doesn't mean I necessarily want to accomplish the related goals. Kind of like how the dude in District 9 doesn't want to pull the trigger on the alien guns even though he knows he's the only one who can but not nearly as intense or consequential. If that spoiled a 3 year old film I'm sorry.

I'm not really sure what else to say anymore without just spinning my wheels over covered ground. This isn't necessarily the end but at the same time I don't really feel the need or desire to force regular updates. Unlike a work of fiction there's no master plan to wrap up all the thought lines into a neat and tidy denouement, just more reflection on the infinite space in my head.

And on that note, enjoy spacing out on this:

__________________
i am the universe