Plankton

Well, I was bound to find this sooner or later. Exceptional writing Mr D. From the little I've read so far (at work and busy, so not a whole lotta time), I'm very impressed. I feel like a bit of a voyeur as I peek into your life. I'll have to finish this at home.

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mr dave

We'll have to agree to disagree It's not necessarily a bad song, I just feel that Soul To Squeeze is better when I revisit that material. Incidentally, I shared the exact same opinion as yours back in the day (and it was one of the first songs I learned from the album after I got the tab book - had Suck My Kiss and Give It Away in magazines before getting the book though hehe)

Thanks dudes, I'm just applying the classic writing adage - write what you know, and I don't know anything quite as well as I know my own life. As always the positive comments are flattering and humbling (mostly...)


THE POWER!!! MWUUUUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!

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i am the universe

mr dave

This isn’t the first time I mention Eric Avery and with good reason. As a founding member of Jane’s Addiction his purposely simplified styled helped solidify their sound and provided the perfect counterpoint to Stephen Perkins’ mad drumming chops. In ‘Whores: An Oral Biography of Perry Farrell and Jane’s Addiction’ he’s clear about purposely never using more than a handful of notes for any particular song and while that may sound like an arbitrary restriction, the actual result was a solid framework that everyone else in the band could rely on. With an attitude and perspective like that it’s no surprise he’s not the flashiest guy in LA, and his solo work and videos reflect that as well. I love how he’s in every scene in the clip but rarely the actual focus of any shot – I’ve watched the clip dozens of times and only noticed that he’s sitting on the edge of the intro shot this morning.

I don’t remember the last time I saw a music video where the visuals counted for as much as the music and the resulting collaboration elevates everything to something more. ‘Belly of an Insect’ is one of those clips. Anyone who’s read ‘The House of Leaves’ by Mark Z. Danielewski will recognize the inspiration for the clip pretty much immediately, I was floored the first time I happened to check it out. I strongly recommend the book to anyone interested in a great read about existential existence; the music video really only covers the surface perspective of the main characters’ redemption and self-acceptance, then again it would have been practically impossible to cover everything from that book in 4 minutes (and totally X-rated for a bunch of parts).

A warm dark time
In Earth’s shadow
I’ve been walking over
Ground that’s been burned

I don’t know of anyone who’s never experienced the latter half of that verse. We all have days where it just seems like such a default repeat of the last week, or year, or decade; especially when you’re just recycling unresolved unpleasantries within yourself. But it goes beyond bad days or childhood trauma; it’s a reflection of the distinction between our current ‘independent’ physical lives and being in the womb or some other supernatural celestial existence.

We can all relate to that feeling of lost perfection regardless of class, culture, or creed. None of us created the world we live in, none of us asked to be born into the struggles or strife we’re forced to address for no other reason that not being dead. Until you find that element of peace within yourself it’s all too easy to see the world as little more than a barren wasteland regardless of where you find yourself within the social strata.

Why do I still keep believing
Those moments of fleeting
Perfection, that feel somehow magical

I used to say perfection was, by definition, meant to be unobtainable and to a certain extent I still believe in that interpretation. On the other hand I think that restriction is specific to our physical limitations, whether selfish or altruistic we all want more than what is currently available. That’s not necessarily meant to say we’re all greedy, but that ‘want’ is what propels humanity forward. The big challenge is recognizing that everyone is trying to do it for what they feel is ‘right’ regardless of differing perspectives.

For me the magic happens when a balance between the conscious and subconscious mind is achieved, it feels like your brain shuts off and doesn’t focus on anything but picks up on everything. Meditation worked to an extent but it’s when I stumbled into that balance while playing improvised music that I truly felt magic within myself. It’s hard to describe and impossible to forget once you’ve felt it but entirely unique for everyone. Those moments of clarity proved invaluable and granted me with expanded perspectives on everything and another reason to want to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

There’s no real reason to keep believing in anything, though for myself, there’s even less reason to not believe in anything. I’d much rather believe in something fleeting than something fabricated for approval.

No one ever leaves this ring undefeated
No one ever leaves this ring

My interpretation of Danielewski’s ‘House of Leaves’ is that it primarily deals with his own acceptance of himself and the various aspects of his consciousness in relation to his own broken family. His follow up ‘Only Revolutions’ is a more general reflection on humanity as a whole. The circular concept of life has been around forever and will persist so long as we continue to exist as physical bodies. As much as I sometimes hate to admit it, when I look in the mirror I see my father’s face. I can’t help it though, ultimately I’m equal parts him and my mother; on the other hand I’m neither and wholly unique.

While I definitely agree with the first line, I do believe it’s possible to leave the ring and break free, though it comes at the ultimate cost – no individual love, nor individual life. And ultimately leaving the ring means becoming entirely forgotten and reduced to absolutely nothing. As with so many other metaphysical concepts I see ourselves as the ring as much as not the ring; as individual beings we are the ring that binds our parents to the moment of our conception; as independent beings we’re trapped within that same ring. Our only real options seem to be ultimate self-destruction or self-preservation through (ideally) the love of an opposite equal.

Stick my dirty feet into the ground
And raise my green hands to the sky
And carry my blood away
In the belly of an insect

Ultimately I believe in both Creationism and Evolution. I hate the popular idea that you have to be on one side or the other; it seems like such a limiting perspective. Yes, science can explain my physical being, but what if I want to believe I’m more than my body - then what? I don’t see the need to abandon the insight that we’ve gained through scientific progress but I can’t quite abandon the ideas that attempt to explain the unproven. From my chair right now I see my body as the focal point of my own reflection of the universe and I only exist within the reflection of other people’s universes.

For myself the universe is the physical reflection of my existence and was created during the big bang (teehee) in which my father’s sperm found its way into my mother’s egg. Evolution happens between the moment of birth and death with whatever amount of individual progress you’ve made being reflected into future lives you create so that the cycle can persist and humanity can continue to become far more than our bodies. The afterlife becomes a reflection of the memories and emotions retained by the people you leave behind on the physical level. Just like good and bad being dependent on the perspective of the individual, heaven and hell are, for me, simply reflections of positive or negative memories of those who’ve moved on. The influence you have on others and how it shapes their own evolution through life counts for far more than any prize or reward an individual can enjoy during their physical lifetime.

My individual life as part of the mass of humanity seems like little more than grass on the surface of the planet when I consider the scope of universal existence.

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i am the universe

mr dave

So I’m going to step away from all that metaphysical introspection for now, like anything else it’ll be revisited someday. Until then here’s this:


Last weekend was Canada Day, where some friends and I decided to take a stroll downtown to see what we could see and get some food at a pub; turns out all we could see were public performances, and well… re-read that title. My downtown area isn’t that big, one main street, 4-5 blocks long, lots of free entertainment and patios. In that span I experienced a handful of performers – they all sucked.

I say they all sucked not because they sounded bad or couldn’t play their instruments, but because they all seemed to miss the gist of my ‘communication’ rant from a few months ago. Basically same as I can’t control how people interpret my words, a band can’t control how a crowd reacts to their performance, but that didn’t stop ANY of the performers I had to walk through from trying.

First was the solo acoustic dude in the patio area of a coffee shop. He was running through a little PA and actually sounded pretty decent so long as he stuck to playing rhythm, nice enough voice, by the numbers sappy frat boy crap but whatever. There were about a dozen people sitting around as we were walking by and I figured whatever, we’ll give him polite applause as his song ends and take the corner to continue down the street. Except when the song ended, no one reacted. NO ONE. Not a single clap.

That's when I realized the people weren’t getting coffees and sitting on the patio to hear that guy, they were sitting on the patio despite that guy. It’s not entirely true that there wasn’t a reaction, one older man actually started giving him pointers and asking if he knew something with a bit more pep. So the dude then kicks into ‘New Orleans is Sinking’ by the Tragically Hip. Not a horrible song, but when you’re just playing a solo acoustic set it sounds incredibly hollow when you drop the low E-minor groove to play the lead melody. It reminded me of advice Satchmo tried imparting onto a hard headed member in this thread - http://www.musicbanter.com/talk-inst...ker-sound.html

Basically - if you’re not a full band don’t try playing a full band’s worth of song. Rearrange the piece to fit your own outfit; it will make you sound better. Instead buddy sounded like a weak, super hollow version of his cover of choice. Really though, if you’re a solo acoustic performer stick to solo acoustic covers or figure out how to rework the song.

Next up was a more traditional French-y band on the main stage in front of city hall. We’re still on the way to our pub of choice for dinner, having to walk through another crowd, and again they’re finishing a song, and just like the last one… NO REACTION. I figured some people in the crowd would have offered some polite applause but I was amazed by the silence. The band didn’t flinch.

Nope, they just kept on with their planned set, exactly as it was planned. After the complete lack of audience reaction the main vocalist starts talking to the crowd and explaining who they are and where they’re from and the style of music they play then drops this gem…

“Now it’s the part of the show for some audience participation, so we’re going to do an old traditional tune and we need everyone’s help with this. The chorus part is really easy, I’ll sing it for you and then you just sing it back, k?”

NO ONE REACTED WHEN YOU FINISHED THE PREVIOUS SONG!!!

So she starts and sings the bit, then one of the other performers repeated the line more softly, in what I’m assuming was meant to thicken up the crowd vocals, except the crowd was silent. Instead of recognizing the painfully obvious, they try it again; the crowd probably just didn’t get it. Still no reaction. At least they just moved on and played the song after the 3rd start but still. How can you expect a crowd that didn’t even give you polite applause to sing along? How does a band decide that something like that can be rehearsed? It’s a wonderfully fantastic experience when it just happens, that’s what makes the band – crowd dynamic magical the back and forth / give and take between the two elements that transforms a performance into something more but it can’t be forced.

Sadly it’s not the first time I’ve seen a band try to force a crowd to play possum. The last time I saw QOTSA in concert their opening act actually made a disparaging comment to the crowd when none of the women in attendance turned out to be drunk enough to want to scream a fake orgasm JESUS! chant for their 2nd song. Really though, 2 songs into an opening set and you’re expecting the crowd to sing along / participate? By faking orgasms… WHAT?!?!?!?!

On the way back there was another band on the main stage, this time doing a classic rock number by the numbers. The Weight by The Band, we just happened to walk by for that most recognizable part with the vocal harmonies…

Annnnndd… annnnnddd…. AAAANNNNNNNDDDDD … you put the load right on me

Your sound guy should really know how to mix the levels on that part! Even if he’s not ‘your’ sound guy there’s absolutely no reason, at all, that anyone involved with any sort of music production (especially on the scale of a public stage for a national holiday) doesn’t recognize how a classic classic rock tune that’s probably only been played 1 000 000 times in the last 40 years goes.

Nope. Lead vocals are fine, lead guitar is fine, everything else? PISS OFF! There is nothing else besides lead vocals and lead guitar in classic rock! The saddest thing is, I think they could have pulled it off had their sound not been neutered.

On the way back, a solid 2-3 hours later, my friend and I walked by Mr. Acoustic Man by the coffee shop again. Props for his tenacity I guess, he was still going. Still no reactions. Still no legitimate crowd of onlookers. And what do we get to hear as we walk away? All Along the Watchtower, just like Jimi played it, on an acoustic, with no backing track whatsoever…

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i am the universe

mr dave

^Futility. Sadly, Danny Carey from Tool was no longer drumming for the band on this track…

Ambition is something I’ve struggled with forever. When I was much younger I’d be called ‘moody’ because I didn’t like doing a lot of the same things other kids did, mainly because most of it seemed redundant. It’s kind of like how I don’t like getting drunk because I hate being hungover. Sure the initial buzz is nice, but I know that for every hour I keep that buzz going, I’ll have to pay for it the next day. What’s the point? And so I keep closing myself off and retiring into myself. My old man described one of his brothers as being ‘big in the head’ which sounded like a rather apt description of me as well, though it’s really just another way of saying introverted.

In today’s day and age it seems less about being the bear that goes over the mountain to see what he could see; and more about being the bear that goes over the mountain to see that he’s being seen. Like Antonio’s excellent rant against sh!tty youtube covers or Trollheart’s scathing take on ‘liking’ everything through Facebook it seems that if you’re not doing something to be seen then it doesn’t really count – and if it’s not something the masses automatically recognize then forget about it too. I understand that we all want a little validation and attention, it’s nice to feel recognized but at the same time I don’t think people need to be congratulated for getting dressed in the morning (and yes… I’ve met / had to deal with people exactly like this at work in the past).

I’d be lying if I tried to claim I wasn’t just as much of an attention whore too – I just go about it the other way. Rather than being the loudest or flashiest I’ll be the quiet one in the corner who hardly says anything until everyone else starts wondering, “WTF is wrong with Dave?” and then voila! I’ve been noticed; though it inevitably always results in, “Why can’t you just be like everyone else?”

My other frustration with social ambition is that it seems that most of the encouragement I hear is so that the other person can have some sort of indirect connection to whatever result you achieve; like a muse taking credit for the artist’s work. In my family it’s pretty clear that only the people actively trying to sell albums for a dollar and working a stage for fame should be calling themselves musicians, the rest of us who’ve also played instruments for years or decades… not so much. The drums I picked up a few weeks ago? Just another ‘toy’ in my apartment. Is it really so wrong that I chose to play music for the fun of it exclusively? Apparently. Even this journal, if I passed the link around to certain relatives I’d be hearing “See! I told you, you should be a writer! I knew you’d be good at it.” To be perfectly honest I’m using this journal as a personal challenge to see if I can force myself to write ~1000 words every other week for a year as well, I don’t need someone else diminishing my accomplishment so they can stroke their ego a bit more.

I won’t say it was better back in the day, it’s just different now and I’m the one who needs to find a way to adapt. The internet and social media have made it so that anything can be available for consideration and judgment almost immediately upon creation. Just consider how often there are people joining the forum specifically to create a single thread to get feedback on something they just created moments earlier. As if not getting instant gratification will somehow spoil the result of their work rather than allow them time to refine it and present something more substantial. Don’t think my own hypocritical stance on the matter is lost on me either, my own collection of personal mp3s are all sh!tty first takes as well. Difference being I recognize them as being crappy, they’re meant for us, you had to be there to really get the full effect and feeling. That’s not to say it can’t be enjoyed by others but I can’t see how anyone could possibly claim to like it that much.

Deep down I think I’m still just looking for that foolish / childish nod of approval from my old man, to hear “Wow! That’s my boy!”. Never going to happen, nor do I want to hear it as a patronizing line either. It’s more like that fundamental encouragement seems to be missing, like everything I do is an attempt rather than an accomplishment and I’m little more than an afterthought rather than an idea. Nothing I make could possibly ever compare to what the ‘real’ artists in my family have created. On another hand it seems like I was denied the full opportunity to enjoy my youth so that a few others would never have to let go of their own. In a sense I’m doing the same back to them by denying the possibility of extending their own existence through not procreating my own. But I digress, that’s a whole other metaphysical paradox I’m struggling with.

So I’m left to my own devices as I’ve always been. Worrying about satisfying others will only diminish my own direction (or lack thereof). It’s not that external opinions are irrelevant or worthless, but I don’t think they should be allowed to become a primary motivator. Again I’m faced with addressing hypocrisy within my psyche; and all I can do is strive to come out on top of that mountain – AND SEE WHAT I CAN SEE!!!

Eventually.

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i am the universe

Blarobbarg

Excellent post once again Dave. I agree that most of what everyone does is to be seen. I've been on a journey for a year or so to make less of what I do/think be known by everyone. I'm trying to learn to have private enjoyment, rather than the gratification of everyone seeing my life (or, alternatively, the shame of everyone seeing my life).

Not sure if that makes any sense.

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mr dave

Thanks dude, and I'm pretty sure I get what you're saying there. The undeniable social element of our personal beings is a messed up thing.

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i am the universe

mr dave

While I prefer the intensity of the Mr. Bungle cover - they only exist as live bootlegs; so I’ll post the proper studio quality original.

Time and its passage seem to me like a paradox that never really exists until it’s already existed. Kind of like how the future only exists within the memories that initially shaped those experiences.

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Right now I’m enjoying a long weekend here in Canada, it’s technically some sort of provincial holiday but in reality it should just be called “It’s always muggy as hell at the start of August and everyone needs a day off”, really though, it’s not even 10am yet and 24C but feels like 32 (or 90F) and cloudy. Either way, the humidity has made it so that I haven’t left my room in like 3 days since it’s where the AC is; it’s also given me a lot of time to think and reflect.

Two major things happened in the last week. First I got switched to a new project at work, as a software tester that’s almost a daily thing, except this new project was a casual social product rather than just a casual game. I didn’t get it, I still don’t get it, it’s why I call it a product instead of a game, it’s lacking a layer, it’s all frosting and no cake. Yet the most resounding perspective to come out of the situation is that I’m old and out of touch, and to an extent it’s true. I’ve been passed by; I didn’t keep running along with the shiny new ball as it bounced along the shores of the main stream. I always said I’d be fine with it, turns out it’s not that fine, whatever.

The other thing is that Friday was August 3rd. When I first moved to this town after college it was because a friend of mine had asked me to so that we could start a band. We called ourselves Panda Go Panda after some anime movie he and the other guy had enjoyed at some point the past. I’ve still never seen it. My personal issues and my inability to articulate them properly made it so that our band would never amount to anything, then again we were all guilty of weak communication.

I’ve quoted Ernest Hemingway’s assessment of first drafts on this site before; it’s worth noting again, “The first draft of anything is sh!t”. Essentially everything we did as a band was sh!t, I’d say at least 90%. I know that every band out there goes through the motions of picking up the most solid piece and polishing it until it shines and even the Mythbusters proved you can polish a turd until its shiny, but it doesn’t at all change the fact that you’re still left with sh!t on your hands. For me I preferred the idea of practicing to the point where our first offerings were able to appear relatively fully formed as compared to the majority of 3 chord punk rock that permeated ours, and so many other local scenes.

August 3, 2002 was one of those days, and to recognize that it’s been exactly a decade since then is a pretty solid kick in the pants. It was a Saturday, it was cloudy, and it was muggy as hell, sound familiar? Jay came over as he always did in the old Tempo to collect me and my bass shortly after lunch. We got to Jef’s parent’s place outside of town as he was getting over his regular Saturday morning hangover and we holed up in the basement. Normally we would have smoked a pipe or J while setting up, except this day we were all essentially out, so we found some roaches and rolled a half J. Between 3 people it was maybe 2 puffs each, just enough to dull the edge but not nearly enough to go over it.

Then we played. This - August 3, 2002.rar

From start to finish there’s hardly any point where we felt like we weren’t on top of our music and in control of where we felt like going. We hardly said anything during that hour. It’s not perfect but it’s one of the few days where the quality far outweighed the quantity.

I’ve also realized that I’ve been writing this journal thing for going on 8 months now and I haven’t really said much about actually playing music so much as just blab endlessly about my personal issues. Insecurity and the want for external validation are bitches. As much as so many of us try to be fully self-sufficient we’re still social creatures, we need some sort of connection with each other. Music, especially the instrumental side of things provides a clear and easy way for that interaction to occur without needing to show the inherent weakness in addressing the need for that connection directly.

Back at the end of February I came clean about the fact that I had a very self destructive approach to playing music as an indirect rebellion against my Father. For that I feel like I should apologize to my former bandmates but this is hardly the place for that. But it was definitely one of those things that I recognized deep down that needed to be brought up to the surface and left out in the open so that I could start accepting that personal flaw rather than feeling burdened by its existence. Now that I can look back and see a broken boy looking for his lost Dad, now what? I don’t feel like repeating that and I’m left surrounded by gear with little to no real inclination to do much with it. The more I write words the less I feel a need to express myself through sound.

So I’m at a new crossroads, I still have all my gear but no drive to create, so instead I’m going to try forcing myself to re-create. In the middle of that jam there’s a track called ‘Panbient Tortoise’, not sure why it got named that way, I’ve always called it ‘The August 3rd’, and now I’m going to try covering it. I’m hoping that by publicly stating it and in turn writing about the process that I’m able to keep myself motivated in this endeavor. We’ll find out in two weeks.

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i am the universe

Antonio

I wish you much luck in this endeavor, and I look forward to what you can be able to make.

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mr dave

Thanks dude, don't hold your breath though hahaha. Someday, eventually.

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i am the universe