Well, I was bound to find this sooner or later. Exceptional writing Mr D. From the little I've read so far (at work and busy, so not a whole lotta time), I'm very impressed. I feel like a bit of a voyeur as I peek into your life. I'll have to finish this at home.

We'll have to agree to disagree ;) It's not necessarily a bad song, I just feel that Soul To Squeeze is better when I revisit that material. Incidentally, I shared the exact same opinion as yours back in the day (and it was one of the first songs I learned from the album after I got the tab book - had Suck My Kiss and Give It Away in magazines before getting the book though hehe)

Thanks dudes, I'm just applying the classic writing adage - write what you know, and I don't know anything quite as well as I know my own life. As always the positive comments are flattering and humbling (mostly...)


THE POWER!!! MWUUUUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!!

:love:

Never Said I Was Good
 

This isn’t the first time I mention Eric Avery and with good reason. As a founding member of Jane’s Addiction his purposely simplified styled helped solidify their sound and provided the perfect counterpoint to Stephen Perkins’ mad drumming chops. In ‘Whores: An Oral Biography of Perry Farrell and Jane’s Addiction’ he’s clear about purposely never using more than a handful of notes for any particular song and while that may sound like an arbitrary restriction, the actual result was a solid framework that everyone else in the band could rely on. With an attitude and perspective like that it’s no surprise he’s not the flashiest guy in LA, and his solo work and videos reflect that as well. I love how he’s in every scene in the clip but rarely the actual focus of any shot – I’ve watched the clip dozens of times and only noticed that he’s sitting on the edge of the intro shot this morning.

I don’t remember the last time I saw a music video where the visuals counted for as much as the music and the resulting collaboration elevates everything to something more. ‘Belly of an Insect’ is one of those clips. Anyone who’s read ‘The House of Leaves’ by Mark Z. Danielewski will recognize the inspiration for the clip pretty much immediately, I was floored the first time I happened to check it out. I strongly recommend the book to anyone interested in a great read about existential existence; the music video really only covers the surface perspective of the main characters’ redemption and self-acceptance, then again it would have been practically impossible to cover everything from that book in 4 minutes (and totally X-rated for a bunch of parts).

A warm dark time
In Earth’s shadow
I’ve been walking over
Ground that’s been burned

I don’t know of anyone who’s never experienced the latter half of that verse. We all have days where it just seems like such a default repeat of the last week, or year, or decade; especially when you’re just recycling unresolved unpleasantries within yourself. But it goes beyond bad days or childhood trauma; it’s a reflection of the distinction between our current ‘independent’ physical lives and being in the womb or some other supernatural celestial existence.

We can all relate to that feeling of lost perfection regardless of class, culture, or creed. None of us created the world we live in, none of us asked to be born into the struggles or strife we’re forced to address for no other reason that not being dead. Until you find that element of peace within yourself it’s all too easy to see the world as little more than a barren wasteland regardless of where you find yourself within the social strata.

Why do I still keep believing
Those moments of fleeting
Perfection, that feel somehow magical

I used to say perfection was, by definition, meant to be unobtainable and to a certain extent I still believe in that interpretation. On the other hand I think that restriction is specific to our physical limitations, whether selfish or altruistic we all want more than what is currently available. That’s not necessarily meant to say we’re all greedy, but that ‘want’ is what propels humanity forward. The big challenge is recognizing that everyone is trying to do it for what they feel is ‘right’ regardless of differing perspectives.

For me the magic happens when a balance between the conscious and subconscious mind is achieved, it feels like your brain shuts off and doesn’t focus on anything but picks up on everything. Meditation worked to an extent but it’s when I stumbled into that balance while playing improvised music that I truly felt magic within myself. It’s hard to describe and impossible to forget once you’ve felt it but entirely unique for everyone. Those moments of clarity proved invaluable and granted me with expanded perspectives on everything and another reason to want to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow.

There’s no real reason to keep believing in anything, though for myself, there’s even less reason to not believe in anything. I’d much rather believe in something fleeting than something fabricated for approval.

No one ever leaves this ring undefeated
No one ever leaves this ring

My interpretation of Danielewski’s ‘House of Leaves’ is that it primarily deals with his own acceptance of himself and the various aspects of his consciousness in relation to his own broken family. His follow up ‘Only Revolutions’ is a more general reflection on humanity as a whole. The circular concept of life has been around forever and will persist so long as we continue to exist as physical bodies. As much as I sometimes hate to admit it, when I look in the mirror I see my father’s face. I can’t help it though, ultimately I’m equal parts him and my mother; on the other hand I’m neither and wholly unique.

While I definitely agree with the first line, I do believe it’s possible to leave the ring and break free, though it comes at the ultimate cost – no individual love, nor individual life. And ultimately leaving the ring means becoming entirely forgotten and reduced to absolutely nothing. As with so many other metaphysical concepts I see ourselves as the ring as much as not the ring; as individual beings we are the ring that binds our parents to the moment of our conception; as independent beings we’re trapped within that same ring. Our only real options seem to be ultimate self-destruction or self-preservation through (ideally) the love of an opposite equal.

Stick my dirty feet into the ground
And raise my green hands to the sky
And carry my blood away
In the belly of an insect

Ultimately I believe in both Creationism and Evolution. I hate the popular idea that you have to be on one side or the other; it seems like such a limiting perspective. Yes, science can explain my physical being, but what if I want to believe I’m more than my body - then what? I don’t see the need to abandon the insight that we’ve gained through scientific progress but I can’t quite abandon the ideas that attempt to explain the unproven. From my chair right now I see my body as the focal point of my own reflection of the universe and I only exist within the reflection of other people’s universes.

For myself the universe is the physical reflection of my existence and was created during the big bang (teehee) in which my father’s sperm found its way into my mother’s egg. Evolution happens between the moment of birth and death with whatever amount of individual progress you’ve made being reflected into future lives you create so that the cycle can persist and humanity can continue to become far more than our bodies. The afterlife becomes a reflection of the memories and emotions retained by the people you leave behind on the physical level. Just like good and bad being dependent on the perspective of the individual, heaven and hell are, for me, simply reflections of positive or negative memories of those who’ve moved on. The influence you have on others and how it shapes their own evolution through life counts for far more than any prize or reward an individual can enjoy during their physical lifetime.

My individual life as part of the mass of humanity seems like little more than grass on the surface of the planet when I consider the scope of universal existence.

What Were You Thinking?!?!??
 

So I’m going to step away from all that metaphysical introspection for now, like anything else it’ll be revisited someday. Until then here’s this:


Last weekend was Canada Day, where some friends and I decided to take a stroll downtown to see what we could see and get some food at a pub; turns out all we could see were public performances, and well… re-read that title. My downtown area isn’t that big, one main street, 4-5 blocks long, lots of free entertainment and patios. In that span I experienced a handful of performers – they all sucked.

I say they all sucked not because they sounded bad or couldn’t play their instruments, but because they all seemed to miss the gist of my ‘communication’ rant from a few months ago. Basically same as I can’t control how people interpret my words, a band can’t control how a crowd reacts to their performance, but that didn’t stop ANY of the performers I had to walk through from trying.

First was the solo acoustic dude in the patio area of a coffee shop. He was running through a little PA and actually sounded pretty decent so long as he stuck to playing rhythm, nice enough voice, by the numbers sappy frat boy crap but whatever. There were about a dozen people sitting around as we were walking by and I figured whatever, we’ll give him polite applause as his song ends and take the corner to continue down the street. Except when the song ended, no one reacted. NO ONE. Not a single clap.

That's when I realized the people weren’t getting coffees and sitting on the patio to hear that guy, they were sitting on the patio despite that guy. It’s not entirely true that there wasn’t a reaction, one older man actually started giving him pointers and asking if he knew something with a bit more pep. So the dude then kicks into ‘New Orleans is Sinking’ by the Tragically Hip. Not a horrible song, but when you’re just playing a solo acoustic set it sounds incredibly hollow when you drop the low E-minor groove to play the lead melody. It reminded me of advice Satchmo tried imparting onto a hard headed member in this thread - http://www.musicbanter.com/talk-inst...ker-sound.html

Basically - if you’re not a full band don’t try playing a full band’s worth of song. Rearrange the piece to fit your own outfit; it will make you sound better. Instead buddy sounded like a weak, super hollow version of his cover of choice. Really though, if you’re a solo acoustic performer stick to solo acoustic covers or figure out how to rework the song.

Next up was a more traditional French-y band on the main stage in front of city hall. We’re still on the way to our pub of choice for dinner, having to walk through another crowd, and again they’re finishing a song, and just like the last one… NO REACTION. I figured some people in the crowd would have offered some polite applause but I was amazed by the silence. The band didn’t flinch.

Nope, they just kept on with their planned set, exactly as it was planned. After the complete lack of audience reaction the main vocalist starts talking to the crowd and explaining who they are and where they’re from and the style of music they play then drops this gem…

“Now it’s the part of the show for some audience participation, so we’re going to do an old traditional tune and we need everyone’s help with this. The chorus part is really easy, I’ll sing it for you and then you just sing it back, k?”

NO ONE REACTED WHEN YOU FINISHED THE PREVIOUS SONG!!!

So she starts and sings the bit, then one of the other performers repeated the line more softly, in what I’m assuming was meant to thicken up the crowd vocals, except the crowd was silent. Instead of recognizing the painfully obvious, they try it again; the crowd probably just didn’t get it. Still no reaction. At least they just moved on and played the song after the 3rd start but still. How can you expect a crowd that didn’t even give you polite applause to sing along? How does a band decide that something like that can be rehearsed? It’s a wonderfully fantastic experience when it just happens, that’s what makes the band – crowd dynamic magical the back and forth / give and take between the two elements that transforms a performance into something more but it can’t be forced.

Sadly it’s not the first time I’ve seen a band try to force a crowd to play possum. The last time I saw QOTSA in concert their opening act actually made a disparaging comment to the crowd when none of the women in attendance turned out to be drunk enough to want to scream a fake orgasm JESUS! chant for their 2nd song. Really though, 2 songs into an opening set and you’re expecting the crowd to sing along / participate? By faking orgasms… WHAT?!?!?!?!

On the way back there was another band on the main stage, this time doing a classic rock number by the numbers. The Weight by The Band, we just happened to walk by for that most recognizable part with the vocal harmonies…

Annnnndd… annnnnddd…. AAAANNNNNNNDDDDD … you put the load right on me

Your sound guy should really know how to mix the levels on that part! Even if he’s not ‘your’ sound guy there’s absolutely no reason, at all, that anyone involved with any sort of music production (especially on the scale of a public stage for a national holiday) doesn’t recognize how a classic classic rock tune that’s probably only been played 1 000 000 times in the last 40 years goes.

Nope. Lead vocals are fine, lead guitar is fine, everything else? PISS OFF! There is nothing else besides lead vocals and lead guitar in classic rock! The saddest thing is, I think they could have pulled it off had their sound not been neutered.

On the way back, a solid 2-3 hours later, my friend and I walked by Mr. Acoustic Man by the coffee shop again. Props for his tenacity I guess, he was still going. Still no reactions. Still no legitimate crowd of onlookers. And what do we get to hear as we walk away? All Along the Watchtower, just like Jimi played it, on an acoustic, with no backing track whatsoever… :banghead:

What's The Point?
 

^Futility. Sadly, Danny Carey from Tool was no longer drumming for the band on this track…

Ambition is something I’ve struggled with forever. When I was much younger I’d be called ‘moody’ because I didn’t like doing a lot of the same things other kids did, mainly because most of it seemed redundant. It’s kind of like how I don’t like getting drunk because I hate being hungover. Sure the initial buzz is nice, but I know that for every hour I keep that buzz going, I’ll have to pay for it the next day. What’s the point? And so I keep closing myself off and retiring into myself. My old man described one of his brothers as being ‘big in the head’ which sounded like a rather apt description of me as well, though it’s really just another way of saying introverted.

In today’s day and age it seems less about being the bear that goes over the mountain to see what he could see; and more about being the bear that goes over the mountain to see that he’s being seen. Like Antonio’s excellent rant against sh!tty youtube covers or Trollheart’s scathing take on ‘liking’ everything through Facebook it seems that if you’re not doing something to be seen then it doesn’t really count – and if it’s not something the masses automatically recognize then forget about it too. I understand that we all want a little validation and attention, it’s nice to feel recognized but at the same time I don’t think people need to be congratulated for getting dressed in the morning (and yes… I’ve met / had to deal with people exactly like this at work in the past).

I’d be lying if I tried to claim I wasn’t just as much of an attention whore too – I just go about it the other way. Rather than being the loudest or flashiest I’ll be the quiet one in the corner who hardly says anything until everyone else starts wondering, “WTF is wrong with Dave?” and then voila! I’ve been noticed; though it inevitably always results in, “Why can’t you just be like everyone else?”

My other frustration with social ambition is that it seems that most of the encouragement I hear is so that the other person can have some sort of indirect connection to whatever result you achieve; like a muse taking credit for the artist’s work. In my family it’s pretty clear that only the people actively trying to sell albums for a dollar and working a stage for fame should be calling themselves musicians, the rest of us who’ve also played instruments for years or decades… not so much. The drums I picked up a few weeks ago? Just another ‘toy’ in my apartment. Is it really so wrong that I chose to play music for the fun of it exclusively? Apparently. Even this journal, if I passed the link around to certain relatives I’d be hearing “See! I told you, you should be a writer! I knew you’d be good at it.” To be perfectly honest I’m using this journal as a personal challenge to see if I can force myself to write ~1000 words every other week for a year as well, I don’t need someone else diminishing my accomplishment so they can stroke their ego a bit more.

I won’t say it was better back in the day, it’s just different now and I’m the one who needs to find a way to adapt. The internet and social media have made it so that anything can be available for consideration and judgment almost immediately upon creation. Just consider how often there are people joining the forum specifically to create a single thread to get feedback on something they just created moments earlier. As if not getting instant gratification will somehow spoil the result of their work rather than allow them time to refine it and present something more substantial. Don’t think my own hypocritical stance on the matter is lost on me either, my own collection of personal mp3s are all sh!tty first takes as well. Difference being I recognize them as being crappy, they’re meant for us, you had to be there to really get the full effect and feeling. That’s not to say it can’t be enjoyed by others but I can’t see how anyone could possibly claim to like it that much.

Deep down I think I’m still just looking for that foolish / childish nod of approval from my old man, to hear “Wow! That’s my boy!”. Never going to happen, nor do I want to hear it as a patronizing line either. It’s more like that fundamental encouragement seems to be missing, like everything I do is an attempt rather than an accomplishment and I’m little more than an afterthought rather than an idea. Nothing I make could possibly ever compare to what the ‘real’ artists in my family have created. On another hand it seems like I was denied the full opportunity to enjoy my youth so that a few others would never have to let go of their own. In a sense I’m doing the same back to them by denying the possibility of extending their own existence through not procreating my own. But I digress, that’s a whole other metaphysical paradox I’m struggling with.

So I’m left to my own devices as I’ve always been. Worrying about satisfying others will only diminish my own direction (or lack thereof). It’s not that external opinions are irrelevant or worthless, but I don’t think they should be allowed to become a primary motivator. Again I’m faced with addressing hypocrisy within my psyche; and all I can do is strive to come out on top of that mountain – AND SEE WHAT I CAN SEE!!!

Eventually.

Excellent post once again Dave. I agree that most of what everyone does is to be seen. I've been on a journey for a year or so to make less of what I do/think be known by everyone. I'm trying to learn to have private enjoyment, rather than the gratification of everyone seeing my life (or, alternatively, the shame of everyone seeing my life).

Not sure if that makes any sense.

Thanks dude, and I'm pretty sure I get what you're saying there. The undeniable social element of our personal beings is a messed up thing.

Time
 

While I prefer the intensity of the Mr. Bungle cover - they only exist as live bootlegs; so I’ll post the proper studio quality original.

Time and its passage seem to me like a paradox that never really exists until it’s already existed. Kind of like how the future only exists within the memories that initially shaped those experiences.

------

Right now I’m enjoying a long weekend here in Canada, it’s technically some sort of provincial holiday but in reality it should just be called “It’s always muggy as hell at the start of August and everyone needs a day off”, really though, it’s not even 10am yet and 24C but feels like 32 (or 90F) and cloudy. Either way, the humidity has made it so that I haven’t left my room in like 3 days since it’s where the AC is; it’s also given me a lot of time to think and reflect.

Two major things happened in the last week. First I got switched to a new project at work, as a software tester that’s almost a daily thing, except this new project was a casual social product rather than just a casual game. I didn’t get it, I still don’t get it, it’s why I call it a product instead of a game, it’s lacking a layer, it’s all frosting and no cake. Yet the most resounding perspective to come out of the situation is that I’m old and out of touch, and to an extent it’s true. I’ve been passed by; I didn’t keep running along with the shiny new ball as it bounced along the shores of the main stream. I always said I’d be fine with it, turns out it’s not that fine, whatever.

The other thing is that Friday was August 3rd. When I first moved to this town after college it was because a friend of mine had asked me to so that we could start a band. We called ourselves Panda Go Panda after some anime movie he and the other guy had enjoyed at some point the past. I’ve still never seen it. My personal issues and my inability to articulate them properly made it so that our band would never amount to anything, then again we were all guilty of weak communication.

I’ve quoted Ernest Hemingway’s assessment of first drafts on this site before; it’s worth noting again, “The first draft of anything is sh!t”. Essentially everything we did as a band was sh!t, I’d say at least 90%. I know that every band out there goes through the motions of picking up the most solid piece and polishing it until it shines and even the Mythbusters proved you can polish a turd until its shiny, but it doesn’t at all change the fact that you’re still left with sh!t on your hands. For me I preferred the idea of practicing to the point where our first offerings were able to appear relatively fully formed as compared to the majority of 3 chord punk rock that permeated ours, and so many other local scenes.

August 3, 2002 was one of those days, and to recognize that it’s been exactly a decade since then is a pretty solid kick in the pants. It was a Saturday, it was cloudy, and it was muggy as hell, sound familiar? Jay came over as he always did in the old Tempo to collect me and my bass shortly after lunch. We got to Jef’s parent’s place outside of town as he was getting over his regular Saturday morning hangover and we holed up in the basement. Normally we would have smoked a pipe or J while setting up, except this day we were all essentially out, so we found some roaches and rolled a half J. Between 3 people it was maybe 2 puffs each, just enough to dull the edge but not nearly enough to go over it.

Then we played. This - August 3, 2002.rar

From start to finish there’s hardly any point where we felt like we weren’t on top of our music and in control of where we felt like going. We hardly said anything during that hour. It’s not perfect but it’s one of the few days where the quality far outweighed the quantity.

I’ve also realized that I’ve been writing this journal thing for going on 8 months now and I haven’t really said much about actually playing music so much as just blab endlessly about my personal issues. Insecurity and the want for external validation are bitches. As much as so many of us try to be fully self-sufficient we’re still social creatures, we need some sort of connection with each other. Music, especially the instrumental side of things provides a clear and easy way for that interaction to occur without needing to show the inherent weakness in addressing the need for that connection directly.

Back at the end of February I came clean about the fact that I had a very self destructive approach to playing music as an indirect rebellion against my Father. For that I feel like I should apologize to my former bandmates but this is hardly the place for that. But it was definitely one of those things that I recognized deep down that needed to be brought up to the surface and left out in the open so that I could start accepting that personal flaw rather than feeling burdened by its existence. Now that I can look back and see a broken boy looking for his lost Dad, now what? I don’t feel like repeating that and I’m left surrounded by gear with little to no real inclination to do much with it. The more I write words the less I feel a need to express myself through sound.

So I’m at a new crossroads, I still have all my gear but no drive to create, so instead I’m going to try forcing myself to re-create. In the middle of that jam there’s a track called ‘Panbient Tortoise’, not sure why it got named that way, I’ve always called it ‘The August 3rd’, and now I’m going to try covering it. I’m hoping that by publicly stating it and in turn writing about the process that I’m able to keep myself motivated in this endeavor. We’ll find out in two weeks.

I wish you much luck in this endeavor, and I look forward to what you can be able to make. :)

Thanks dude, don't hold your breath though hahaha. Someday, eventually.

Is it what I am?
 

It’s not the first time I try setting myself up with goals that have built in backdoors. There’s never any real risk aside from bruising my pride and shaming my ego. I’ve become so rusty over the last few years that while I can still play bits and pieces of things playing anything more substantial is significantly messy. The lack of chops and practice is something I’ve been aware of for a while but in denial. They do come back in time, but what happens when the only spark is a fake one? Do you keep lying to yourself hoping it turns to truth?

I remember a thread being started years ago on another forum about an older guy wondering about the loss of his spark. At the time it seemed like a foolish impossibility to me, this guy was obviously a sham, not a real musician, otherwise that spark and desire would still be there. It’s not.

Is the thrill really gone? Is it time to turn out the lights now that the music is over?

Sometime during the last two weeks I stumbled upon this particular clip on youtube; it’s 4 hours long so click it at your own risk.



It’s all sorts of behind the scenes stuff and uncut interview footage with Faith No More during the recording of Angel Dust in early January 1992. Jim Martin’s interview is particularly painful. At some point during Billy and Roddy’s interview they discuss that spark and how they hope it never leaves them. With Jim’s it seems as though he’s trying to hold the spark to a particular point. Still complaining about how ‘disco’ ruined good music… in 1992.

Urban’s recent comment about me and Soundgarden had me wondering if I’d become a stagnant stick in the mud as well. To an extent I am, the early 2000s is when I started denying the loss of an interest in finding new music to myself. That timeframe also coincides with my choice to push my personal attitudes and direction onto my bandmates and forcing improvisation, even when certain elements started becoming common and recognizable. The fact is I just don’t care to find new stuff anymore, if it just happens, great; if not, I’ve still got lots – I’m just not going out of my way to dig anymore. I think a lot of it stems from the same kind of dynamic as the loss of my spark. It’s like trying to maintain a sense of awe when not only do you know how the magic trick happens, but it’s not even trying to be hidden anymore.

In that sense of exposure I’m going to start documenting the thought process going through the rebuilding of that jam track. I remember my father telling me anecdotes about their band getting signed and some of the early process of getting their first album recorded. A couple of the guys essentially had a jam house in the middle of Toronto where the other guys would spend the majority of their time. Once the contracts had been signed and things were afoot for the album the label sent a bunch of people to the house to make arrangements for the studio; and arrangements they made. There was apparently one older woman, all very prim and proper amidst the mess of dirty hippies and suits, and while the band ran through their set she just sat there and wrote non-stop in some book journal looking thing. When they got to the studio they found out that she had actually been transcribing every single part for every instrument while the band was performing. Everything was documented and arranged to maximize the efficiency of the studio time.

I don’t need to maximize efficiency; there are no deadlines only attention spans. But I’m still cutting this short this week, today has been non-stop randomness and I’m hungry. Next time, if I can do my regular Sunday morning veg out and drink coffee / type, I’ll be documenting the deconstruction and reconstruction of that bass line.

How My Dots Connect
 

This track always make me feel like I'm waking up and exploring the first thoughts that occur in those moments. Seems appropriate for an entry that's all about exploring my musical thought process.

Alright, so in my continuing attempt to force myself out of my comfort zone let's rip up that August 3rd track. I'm going to focus on the bass first since that's what I played. One thing I'm really noticing with this experiment is just how much more I perceive hearing than what's actually played. Then again we also did try refining that one a bit so we could play something at least half-baked at a show so I'm likely remembering that version when I actually have the instrument in my hands. Either way I think it's important to record everything. On one hand it's superfluous, but on the other it affords full perspective from the initial creation through to the final revisions (if any).

So listening back to that track with instrument in hand with the intent of refining it, first thing I'm recognizing is how much fat there is that needs to be trimmed. It's to be expected though, improvising is like a meditative exercise in my experience, and just like meditating it only really happens until you notice its happening, compound that between the psyche of three individuals and it becomes a tricky balancing act to maintain all 3 suspended consciousnesses. As a result I kind of see the piece as a trio of triples, 3 instrumental voices, 3 main elements, and 3 rhythm structures.

For the 3 main elements I see it as a main / alternate theme, a bridge, and an outro. The main and alternate themes are repeated twice, first to establish a form, then to expand upon it, the third time serves to launch into the bridge before transitioning to the outro.

The 3 voices are relatively obvious, drums, bass, and guitar. Though I'm using the Mountain Song approach I discussed way back and looking to the bass as the sonic / rhythmic foundation in the first element, then a melodic accompaniment for the bridge, and finally for the outro not necessarily a lead voice but disconnected from the rhythmic structure enough to be able to take off on a vamp.

I've tabbed out plenty of bass lines in the past but I've never actually sat here and tried to figure out what specific notes were ever being played. For the sake of my sanity when it comes time to trying to figure out what kind of homemade chords J used to play his guitar part I'm going to add an extra line to the bass tabs to specify the notes.


For the main theme I feel the rhythm in three parts 1-2|123|1-2-3-4.
G-----------|-------------|--------------------------
D-----------|--3----------|---------3----------------
A---3-h-5--|------5-------|-----3-------5~~~~-----
E-----------|---------0-3-|-5------------------------
----C---D------F--D--E-G---A---C---F---D-----------

G-----------|-------------|----------------------------
D-----------|--3----------|---------3----------5--3---
A---3-h-5--|------5-------|-----3-------5---X--------
E-----------|---------0-3-|-5-------------------------
----C---D------F--D--E-G---A---C---F---D-----G--F---

G-----------|-------------|--------------------------
D-----------|--3----------|---------3----------------
A---3-h-5--|------5------|------3-------5~~~~-----
E-----------|---------0-3-|-5------------------------
----C---D------F--D--E-G---A---C---F---D-----------

G-----------|--------------|---------
D-----------|--3-----------|---------
A---3-h-5--|------5--0--3-|-5~~~~-
E-----------|--------------|---------
----C---D------F--D--A--C---D-------

While that's written out across 4 chunks I still see it as 3 parts since the first and third chunks are the same. Another thing tabbing this out is helping me recognize is the inherent balancing act my brain pulls off when I play. I don't think to balance the rhythmic figure but when I see the extra notes in the 2nd chunk that match the amount of missing notes in the 4th chunk it's kind of hard to deny. The other thing I'm noticing is D, F, A are the core notes which makes the next jump kind of harsh.

The alternate theme changes the rhythm structure a bit, I see it as a single part similar to the final structure in the main theme but with an extra 'and' so... 1-2-3-4and|1-2-3-4and etc. My natural instinct is to rewrite this part to start in D so it leads off the last note from the main theme but it limits the dynamic motion of the music, the original has it starting in E and that extra step up really serves to distinguish the parts so I'm going to stick with it for now. This part is put together similar to the main theme (1st bar, 2nd bar, 1st bar, 3rd bar)

G-------------------------|----------------------------|----------------------------
D---2----5----------3----|----2----5---------X--3-----|---2----5-----------------
A-------------------------|-------------------------5--|---------------------------
E--------------3----------|-------------3--------------|-------------33-33-3--
----E----G-----G----F----|----E----G---G--------F--D--|---E----G---G----------

The next major element is the twist / bridge where the guitar demands a momentary change in rhythmic direction and the bass becomes the accompaniment. This transition takes places after the main theme is played a 3rd time as a replacement to the alternate theme, it starts with the same initial 4 note bar but then takes off in a bouncier / slightly reggae direction with a lot more right hand noodling.

G-------------------------|------------------------------------------------
D---2----5----------3----|----2-22-2----5-55-5----------------3-3-55-4---
A-------------------------|------------------------------------------------
E--------------3----------|-------------------------3-33-3-----------------
----E----G-----G----F----|----E---------G----------G----------G---A--G#--

That 2nd bar gets vamped a bit before resuming a proper return to the alternate theme for its final play before the outro. The outro itself continues twisting the alternate theme and vamping it out. It starts off by alternating doubled notes with a funky staccato repeat (where the first note of the pairing is the muted string) before flipping back to a heavier version of the main theme to wrap everything up.

G-------------------------------------------------------------
D---2-2---X-2----5-5---X-5--------------X-3---X-3----5--3---
A--------------------------------------------------------------
E------------------------------3--3----------------------------
----E-------------G-----------G----------F-------------G---F--

The above line gets repeated as necessary before ending on the low G notes and then launching into this final twist on the main theme.
G-----------------------------------------------------
D------------------3---3-----------------5555444433--
A---5-5-X5555---5---5--------------------------------
E---------------------------3--3--3--3----------------
----D------------G-D-G-D--G-------------G---F#--F---

...and then it ends on this as opposed to those low Gs and that run on the D string.
G-------------------------------------
D------------------3------------------
A-------------3--------5~~~~--------
E---3----5-----------------------------
----G----A----C----F--D---------------


(holy crap formatting tab for a forum post is a pain in the ass)

Dizzy in my Brain
 

So here we are again, another 2 weeks and another 1000 words. Is it really necessary? Considering it's happening on the internet I think it's safe to say probably not, but whatever. This whole exercise was less about achieving anything and more about pushing myself to attempt something. My hope is that by addressing it directly and stripping myself of the excuses and back doors that something would change. In a sense I am noticing some change, but it's not necessarily the one I wanted to present. The longer I work towards typing this journal thing the more I realize I'm less of a musician than I ever thought. Sure I've got gear, sure I could play full albums worth of covers back in the 90s, sure I jammed with friends and played on a stage a couple of times in the 00s, so what?

I've come to realize I'm a very objective oriented person, if there's no practical goal or purpose I'm really not likely to put any effort towards something, and let's face it, there's little to nothing practical about playing music. That's not to say there isn't a point or value to it, but it's not a necessity to survival. Without food or water you would die, without music you would have to develop the mental strength to address the voices in your head, whether it's simply boredom or reflections of a more sinister issue, the music generally serves as a mirage to draw the attention of the conscious mind away from the elements of the subconscious it doesn't want to deal with.

There was an article on Cracked recently about the bad habits formed by growing up in broken homes. I'm exhibiting one of the main ones right now. It's apparently very common for people who grew up without traditional support structures to set themselves up with major projects that always invariably fail. It's like a bizarro Field of Dreams situation except none of us live in movie land, even if we build it, we're still broken. We lack the ability to follow through, then again when the people who created you were unable to maintain the collaboration that resulted in your own existence is it really any wonder that there are issues with completing things? On the other hand by never actually finishing anything we never have to deal with ending it and closing it off. In a sense never finishing something is a way of assuming control of the situation, a control that was never afforded to the individual when their base support structure crumbled around them during childhood.

On the other, other hand, I'm still able to keep writing these words every other week so I am making some progress on the whole issue. Though I'm debating with myself now as to whether or not I'll keep this going next year. Who knows.

In the meantime I should dust off one of my guitars but instead I'm pouring another cup of coffee. Fact is when I try playing the lines in that last blurb there's still something missing. When I stop looking at it like individual parts I can't play that bass line all the way through to something that feels like complete whole, I'm pretty sure it's just minor transitions but it's lacking something. Then again I've never tried composing either, and most definitely not with the current attempt of mentally conceptualizing the music then trying to write it out with letters and numbers before really picking up the instruments.

For the most part the guitar would be alternating between reflecting and accentuating the bass line. I added the notes last time to make it easier for me to figure out what chords to play, but what I really want to try is mixing up the voicings for those chords. Not entirely sure how I'm going to approach that yet though, especially where I feel the bass line is unfinished.

One thing I find myself missing is the spark from playing with another person. I find it rather boring to play music entirely by myself, there needs to be another person involved in order to help create some kind of motion within the music. Without a muse there is no music, only organized sound. In my youth I didn't necessarily have something to say but I had a desire to be heard, as I enter middle age that desire has faded as I've come to accept that anything I might say could never be more valid than any other person's message. But deep down I still miss -it-. That feeling of weightlessness when it all clicks in place. The point when what is said through the music is simply the feeling of the sound resonating through your soul and your conscious mind takes a break and allows your being to exist in the moment. That's not something that can be planned, only something that happens, and only recognizable when it's over.

I'm not abandoning my attempt to refine and reconstruct an old jam. I'm just avoiding working on it this weekend because it would honestly feel like work rather than something I think I should enjoy. As someone who fancied himself an artistic rather than commercial musician I think it's a necessary decision to take. Though as a broken person attempting to address some cracks in their psyche I think it's a cop out. Heck I didn't even have a song picked out for this entry until right now, looking back at all the back and forth duality going on (and the fact that I'm jonesing hard for a pipe to bake my wake) this particular tune seems rather appropriate.



Also, is it just me or does Adele kind of sound like her?

The End of The Beginning of The End
 

http://reviewsoftheday.com/wp-conten...jump-shark.jpg

I can see the Shark, but I can't tell on which side of the Jump I'm on.

When I first started this journal I had some basic ideas of what I wanted to accomplish with it - that didn't really work out and things kind of took off in their own direction. At this point it's more of a vehicle to exorcise issues from my psyche. By physically typing them out and posting them in a relatively anonymous public domain I'm able to better see them for what they are and overcome them. The issues live here now, not in the back of my head. Though at the same time this is becoming far more of an exercise and less of a creative outlet. I find I'm having to force myself to work on these entries now, which might actually be a good thing since that also means I don't have as much crap in my head that I feel needs to be removed. On the other hand I don't know how much more content I've got to add to this journal, or how regular future updates will be. It's a weird situation, like scraping the bottom of the barrel, I can stop and wallow in the emptiness of that box, or I can keep clawing at the base and see if there's anything on the other side.

I'm not so foolish as to think any of my ramblings truly amount to anything of valued substance to anyone reading this, my words are the epitome of self-centered first world problems; but getting over your ego is a lot easier said (or typed) than done. This thread is really just another stepping stone to get over that mountain. At the same time I can't pretend as if no one has read this or been influenced by some of my words, whether directly or indirectly. I can't help how other people choose to interpret my thoughts and if they'll choose to recognize the context they're presented within.

Something else I've noticed is that the more I type into this thing the less inclined I am to post in the rest of the forum. It just doesn't seem to matter as much to me anymore (that and Borderlands 2 is super addictive). It's kind of like the way my approach with music has developed (or devolved) over the last few years. I still play some sort of musical instrument at least a few times a week but there's little to no honest desire to do anything besides just play with it. I might load up songsterr for a tab or two but I never take the time to truly learn what I'm reading rather than just fool around with the notes in the moment. It reminds me of an attitude a lot of the old school jazz cats had about recording music back in the 50s. A lot of them were apparently very resistant to the studio and what it represented since it limited their ability to improvise and allow the music to become something more than the sum of its parts. There's something about making a conscious attempt to create versus allowing for a subconscious event to happen that seems to limit or diminish the spark from within art.

From my perspective it was that conscious desire to force a successful artistic creation that caused me to develop with so many insecurities. While I'm now better able to recognize the probable causes that doesn't mean I necessarily want to accomplish the related goals. Kind of like how the dude in District 9 doesn't want to pull the trigger on the alien guns even though he knows he's the only one who can but not nearly as intense or consequential. If that spoiled a 3 year old film I'm sorry.

I'm not really sure what else to say anymore without just spinning my wheels over covered ground. This isn't necessarily the end but at the same time I don't really feel the need or desire to force regular updates. Unlike a work of fiction there's no master plan to wrap up all the thought lines into a neat and tidy denouement, just more reflection on the infinite space in my head.

And on that note, enjoy spacing out on this: