Trollheart

And so I flag down a taxi and point out my destination on the map. It's a small city further north and inland, called Editiona Nueva, which my driver helpfully informs me is the local language for “New Edition”. Well, thanks for that Einstein! I could have figured that out myself! We travel for some time through deserted roads and past vast plains of sand before we come to a somewhat run-down town, with a village clock that seems for some reason permanently stuck at six-fifteen (whether this is morning or evening I don't know) and a lot of people roam the streets in unfashionable clothes. I'm right back where it started, and it looks like the inhabitants have remained there, in 1982. I check into the nearest hotel that doesn't look too rundown and seedy, and after eating and freshening up I head off to the local library, laptop under my arm, to make my first report.



And so it is, in the city named after the first ever real Boyband, I begin my tale. In 1982 New Edition came second in a talent contest and were “created” as a new version of the Jackson 5 by producer Maurice Starr, and included the now-famous Bobby Brown in their lineup. The original personnel were as follows:-

Bobby Brown
Michael Bivins
Ricky Bell
Ralph Tresvant
Ronnie DeVoe

Signed by Starr and taken to his recording studio to record their first album, 1983's Candy Girl the boys must have been somewhat nonplussed to receive a cheque for the grand total of $1.87 each after completing their first major concert! This despite the fact that Candy Girl had yielded them four hit singles, one of which went to number one!
Candy Girl --- New Edition --- 1983 (Streetwise)


Impressionable kids? Certainly sounds like it. Sounds like they were totally ripped off by an unscrupulous manager and record label boss - thank God that doesn't happen anymore! But the average age of the band members, for want of a better description, in New Edition was fifteen, so I suppose the fame and glory must have gone to their heads, the money a secondary concern. You can be sure ol' Maurice Starr made sure he got his ninety-nine point nine nine percent of their earnings, though!

We'll return to the story of these guys later, and see how they got on, but for now the time has come that we all feared, me most especially: time to knuckle down and actually listen to the music! Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

It starts off funky, with vocoder and slap bass, then the almost childlike voice of Ralph Tresvant singing the rather incongruous, given their tender age, “Gimme Your Love”. Perhaps "Gimme Your Lunch Money" might have been a more appropriate song title! Of course, in any given Boyband it's really impossible to say who's singing the lead vocals, as they all seem to take that role, but Wiki says that Tresvant was brought on board as their lead singer, so I guess it's him. There's a female voice in there too - I think: I mean, these guys are so young it could be their not-yet-broken voices I'm hearing, but a girl is credited on the album - said to be one Tina B, and there's a lot of beginner's guide to rapping. All very embarrassing, but it must have struck a chord (not literally) as it sold very well and started a lucrative career for the guys. Well, initially as mentioned it just lined the pockets of Maurice Starr, but he was soon to be jettisoned.

“She Gives Me a Bang” does not after all seem to be about the latest hairdressing styles, but has some nice bright keyboard work, with some pops and whistles from the synth which would become quite synonymous with this sort of music down the years. The melody in places almost reminds me of Robert Palmer's “Some Guys Have All the Luck”, and again the vocals are shared, seems like just between two of them. Maybe. Hard to tell. Seems Starr plays keys, synth, bass, drums, guitars, vocoder …. obviously maintaining a tight control over his protoges. He also produces, engineers and mixes the album, and writes or co-writes all the songs bar one. Control freak much? I suppose at least he could say he earned all but $9.52 from the album's takings.

The first of no doubt many ballads comes with “Is This the End” (which sadly it was not), an odd song to put on your debut album, I would have thought, one of their hit singles, and it's not too bad. The drums are nicely measured, the keys just the right amount of sugary sweet and the guitars add a sort of George Benson flavour to the song. Hey, give me a break! I know virtually zip about Boybands, and have less interest in them! I'm doing my best!

“Pass the Beat” is a real “street”-song, with elements of rap and breakdance, lively keyboards and the ever-present grumbling bass that seems to always accompany songs of this type. It's sung in a type of playground chant, making it just that little bit more annoying than it was at first. Seriously, I'm going to make a real effort to find something to praise or something nice to say about these albums, I just haven't come across anything yet! Well, “Is This the End” wasn't completely terrible, unlike the rest of the album so far...

(Sorry to do this to you, guys, but you knew the dangers when you followed me to Boybandland!)

There surely can't be anything to look forward to about a song called “Popcorn Love”, can there? No, there isn't, and it sounds distressingly like the next track up, their number one hit single “Candy Girl”, which is right up there at the top of my list of songs I would cheerfully erase from history, had I the means. Like, what is the point of a song like that? You won't be surprised to hear that I skipped right over it, but as I say, “Popcorn Love” is virtually a carbon copy of the hit single. Originality, zero.

Perhaps the only potential bright spot is their cover of the Bo Diddley number “Ooh Baby”, but no, they've removed all the soul and blues from it and made it another vacuous pop song. Well, I guess Starr is to blame for that. Still, at least the germ of a good song remains: can't kill the classics! More tinny keyboard and whistling synth, as well as the never-far-from-the-melody bass on “Should Have Never Told Me”, then we're into (thank the stars!) the penultimate track, “Gotta Have Your Lovin'”, and you wonder where bands like this would be without a vocoder? It's used so often it's almost overused, and it becomes a real pain listening to every bloody line routed through its circuits. Oh well.

The album closes on “Jealous Girl”, which rather surprisingly is only the second ballad on it. Nice piano and some decent guitar work with a sort of waltzy beat which would be revisited by the likes of still-to-be-discovered Boys II Men on their big hit “The End of the Road”. There are definite elements of the Jacksons here too, not a surprise as this band were conceived as a replacement for them.

Well, I still hate Boybands, but this is just the first of three albums from each band I'm going to try to struggle through. Perhaps my opinion will change over the course of these articles, but I wouldn't bet any big money on it!

TRACK LISTING

1. Gimme Your Love
2. She Gives Me a Bang
3. Is This the End
4. Pass the Beat
5. Popcorn Love
6. Candy Girl
7. Ooh Baby
8. Should Never Have Told Me
9. Gotta Have Your Lovin'
10. Jealous Girl

After the debacle of their first concert, New Edition successfully sued Starr and his company and were released from their contract, signing to record giant MCA and releasing their second album, which they simply entitled “New Edition”, no doubt as a sign they were being reborn, leaving behind the highs and mostly lows of the Starr era, and starting over again.

New Edition --- New Edition --- 1984 (MCA)


With a label giant behind their second album, New Edition were promoted as more of a clean-cut, boy-next-door image which would in fact characterise most Boybands for the next quarter of a century, with bands like Boyzone and later Westlife, Nsync, Backstreet Boys and Take That all projecting a wholesome, “safe” image that would appeal as much to teenage girls as to their parents. Boys like this couldn't possibly be a bad influence, could they?

MCA also gave the boys top writers and producers to work on the album, among them Ray Parker Jr., later known for his megahit “Ghostbusters” (who ya gonna call?) and as a result the album was more cohesive, mature and gained a much larger and more diverse following than New Edition had enjoyed up to now. Also, without Starr, the boys finally made some decent money, no doubt welcome after being ripped off for two years by their producer-***-taskmaster!

“Cool it now” opens the album, with a beat and melody that would later surface on Whitney Houston's “I wanna dance with somebody”, and became an instant hit single when released, as did the second track, the Ray Parker Jr-penned “Mr. Telephone man”, recalling the motown hits of the sixties and seventies, with nice vocal harmonies and a lush keyboard sound. Definitely a more mature sound, less of the kids snickering about girls that more or less permeated the first album, and music aimed at an older, and more demanding audience.

Another ballad follows, this standing out as being the first New Edition song written by members of the band. “I'm leaving you again” also has a motown feel to it, and was written by Ricky Bell and Ralph Tresvant. To be completely fair, for a first attempt at songwriting it's not half bad, with that squidgy bass and paced out drums while in the background the synth lays down a pretty sumptuous backing track. Digital piano features heavily on this album, in line with the thinking about eighties ballads, which always seemed to have to have a digital piano melody running through them. “Delicious” is a mid-paced ballad, inoffensive but with plenty of synth and piano. Also features some pretty good acapella vocal harmonies at the end.

In comparison, “My secret (didja get it yet?)” is just intensely annoying --- I really couldn't care what their secret is. Was a single though. No accounting for taste. “Hide and seek” makes me want to hide and never be found, blatantly ripping off the Eagles' lyric “Sneakin' up behind ya/ Swear I'm gonna find ya” from “One of these nights”. The saving grace of this album, and I would venture to predict, most if not all Boyband albums, are the ballads, which at least are bearable. Even though the digital piano is in overdrive again, “Lost in love” is a nice little song with good harmonies, though it is pretty devoid of ideas and just more or less repeats the same phrasing over and over.

The first songwriting credited to the whole band is nevertheless nothing to write home about, and “Kinda girls we like” fulfils its exceptionally limited potential, with an annoying rap before “Maryann” closes the album with another eminently forgettable track which does at least have a decent line in sax.

TRACKLISTING

1. Cool it now
2. Mr. Telephone man
3. I'm leaving you again
4. Baby love
5. Delicious
6. My secret (didja get it yet?)
7. Hide and seek
8. Lost in love
9. Kinda girls we like
10. Maryann

So that's the second album from New Edition. A little more mature yes, but ultimately I don't see a massive difference between it and the debut. The army of songwriters and producers seem to have failed to have come up with any noteworthy songs really, and after the second track it all kind of descended into more mediocrity for me.

At the end of 1985 Bobby Brown was out of the band, replaced by Johnny Gill, who went on to record three more albums with New Edition, and is in fact still with them. The first he recorded with them will be the last example we'll look at here, 1988's “Heart break”, said to be yet another move in the direction of more mature, polished pop and away from the “bubblegum” music of their previous years. Yeah, well, we'll just see about that...

Heart break --- New Edition --- 1988 (MCA)


Interestingly, it starts with a synthy, almost prog-like intro, with a spoken vocal behind rising cheers and applause, which makes it sound as if the thing is live, and in fact segues into what also sounds like a live song, the actual opener (as the intro --- called, in a flash of original thinking, “Introduction”! --- lasts just over a minute) “That's the way we're livin'”, which comes across a little Prince-y circa “1999” or “Purple rain”, with some surprisingly good guitar parts and for now, no rap. Very eighties dance, kind of reminds me of Five Star, though of course they were a female band. Fairly generic, but not too bad.

“Where it all started” continues the Prince/Janet Jackson style, a slower, funky song with much programmed synth and keyboards, and a lot less guitar than the previous, and things slow down a little for “If it isn't love”, a semi-ballad that gets a little more intense and passionate near the end. The album is peppered with things called “skits”, which are apparently twenty or thirty seconds of “street talk” as the guys discuss their conquests, real or imagined. They're nothing to do with the music, such as it is, so although there are three of them in total I'm going to ignore them.

Next up is “NE Heartbreak”, a dancy, Paula Abdul-inspired number, followed by a short annoying rap then “Crucial”, with more funky bass and stabbing synth --- you know the sort: remember “What have you done for me lately?” That sort of thing: sudden, loud stabs of chords either on their own or in staccato sequence, the sort of thing pioneered by the likes of Jackson, Abdul and Prince, and which became an integral part of most dance music, it would seem, right up to today.

The first proper ballad comes in the form of “Superlady”, with some very tasty horns and a nice piano and guitar backing, and there's another laid-back smooth ballad following it, the rather not-bad “Can you stand the rain”. Okay, okay, it's actually quite good, in fact I'd pin it as the standout track on the album thus far. Very mature sounding, well crafted and quite effective. A third ballad follows, in the shape of “Competition”, and I have to admit, when they pull out the stops on the slower songs on this album they really do sound good. Lovely addition of sax helps to create a really cool atmosphere for this song.

And yes, there's a fourth ballad to come! Talk about throwing everything together! “I'm comin' home” is really nice, but to be honest I think these songs would have been better spread evenly throughout the album, where they would have had more of an impact, and serve to break up the faster (and quite frankly, inferior) songs. Also, having them one after the other lessens their effect, I believe, as you kind of think, “Oh here's another ballad”.

And yes, you guessed it! The album closes on yet another ballad: that's five in succession, almost half of the album. “Boys to men” is a nice song, and did in fact apparently inspire the creation of another Boyband --- can you guess which one? --- but at this point it's number five of five, and though it's very good in its own right it would have had more effect I think had it come after a fast song, or even a bad one. As it is, I find it a case of the shrugging of the shoulders, a very small bit like the recent John Sykes album I reviewed, “Loveland”, which is nothing but ballads and slow songs. I love them, but they have their time and place, and unless you're someone like Air Supply (and even they rock out very occasionally!) you really can't expect a full album of ballads to hold the attention.

So that's the last of our look at the first credited Boyband, New Edition. I'm not singularly impressed by them --- but then, I didn't really expect to be --- but I have to grudgingly admit they have a little bit more about them than I had originally expected. This is the band that gave us “Candy girl”, after all! Nonetheless, I don't see their albums remaining on my hard disk once this article is finished.

TRACKLISTING

1. Introduction
2. That's the way we're livin'
3. Where it all started
4. If it ain't love
5. Skit #1
6. N.E heartbreak
7. Crucial
8. Skit #2
9. You're not my kind of girl
10. Superlady
11. Can you stand the rain
12. Competition
13. Skit #3
14. I'm comin' home
15. Boys to men

After fleecing New Edition and then being sued by them, thus having to release them from their ironclad contract, our good friend F@gin --- sorry, Maurice Starr! --- simply dusted himself off and went in search of another band he could make money off. This time he went for five white guys as opposed to black, and so New Kids on the Block were born.

And so I pack up my laptop (after having availed of the hotel's power supply to charge it up for the journey) and pop on my shades as the early morning sunlight filters through the far-off mountains and sparkles off the pools of unnameable substance that dot the ground around here. I hear my taxi arrive, pay my bill and head out to the car, jumping in the back.

We're on the road again, where rather worryingly, more Boybands await...

__________________
Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

We drive southwards, for in this land of the elder Boybands there are only two regions which house the history and music of the first two known Boybands, and so it is to N'kotbia we drive, the cabby engaging in rambling chit-chat which I do my best to ignore. My head is swimming with close harmonies and digital piano chords, and the word “baby” running around like a beheaded chicken, and the repeated listens to New Edition's catalogue have not helped my stomach to settle after the rather choppy journey to this strange land. Oh well, on we go.



The first thing I notice on arriving in the main city is that this is a far cleaner place than Editionia Nueva: it's more upscale, scenic and prettier than the place I have just left. Is this because it is a middle-class white neighbourhood? Possibly, but whatever the reason I'll be glad not to have to wade through trash on the streets of this town! And maybe I can get a hotel where I can sleep through the night without being eaten alive. Hope springs eternal, but as we pass rows of white picket-fenced houses and well-maintained buildings, with smart top-of-the-line cars outside each house, the place screams “Suburbia!”

I pay off the cabby, find my hotel --- which is a lot nicer than the one I've just left --- and settle in before beginning my gruelling second day's work.



Formed, as I already mentioned, by the same man who “made” New Edition, and marketed as “the white New Edition”, New Kids on the Block (NKOTB) also came from Boston, and consisted of founder member Donnie Wahlberg, brother of actor Mark and indeed an actor himself later, who, having won an audition with Starr out of hundreds of teenage boys all looking for instant stardom, helped Starr put the rest of the band together. First he recruited his brother, but Mark left before the band began playing or recording. The final lineup ended thus:

Donnie Wahlberg
Jordan Knight
Jonathan Knight
Joey McIntyre
Danny Wood

There were some other changes along the way initially, but this is the known lineup of NKOTB, although originally they weren't called that. The label demanded a change from the name Starr had given them, Nynuk, and so they changed to New Kids on the Block, or NKOTB. As with New Edition previously, Starr maintained an iron grip on his new moneymaking machine, writing the lion's share of the songs on their debut self-titled album, and producing it as well as playing most of the instruments. Success, however, would not be repeated right away, and the album did very poorly, with the result that Starr had to struggle to find the boys gigs, unlike New Edition, who had embarked on a big tour when their own debut smashed the charts.

New Kids on the Block --- New Kids on the Block --- 1984 (Columbia)


Desperate to emulate the original success of his former protoges, Starr made the crucial mistake of trying to make NKOTB be New Edition, writing them bubblegum pop songs and worse, giving them raps to perform. New Edition, as we have seen, although successful with their debut, built their lasting fame and appeal on subsequent records, which were more mature and less kiddish. Starr's gamble didn't pay off, and here's why.

As an album, and indeed career, opener, “Stop it girl” is weak, sugary, throwaway. If you're going to “unleash” the next Boyband on the world --- shame on you, but if you're going to --- you have to grab people's attention from the off, as with any album, and this song does not come close to doing that. It's faceless, generic tripe, with that damn vocoder again! “Didn't I (blow your mind)” is the first ballad on the album, a lot better. Not surprisingly, it's an old seventies cover. As a matter of fact, though this album largely left the charts unshaken, it would be this track which, when re-released after their second album hit the big time, would reignite interest in this album. It's quite a nice little ballad, with nice piano and nice guitar. Just nice, period, as the Cat from “Red Dwarf” once said. Of course, it would be emulated and copied by Boybands down through the years, and become the template for every hit single from Westlife to Nsync and Blue to JLS.

“Popsicle” sounds as you would expect, simple bubblegum pop in the style of early New Edition, with another annoying rap, while “Be my girl” is another ballad, nothing special, another generic slow pop song, but it does showcase some of the voices rather well. There's still not, though, to borrow a phrase from our transatlantic cousins, a whole lot going on under the hood.

The title track attempts to address this, doing its best to stamp the album with the identity of these new successors to the first Boyband. It's basically a rap with little in the way of music, just percussion and some “scratching”, is it they call it? That thing where they run a record backwards over and over? Never really got that personally, not even when Run DMC did it... and though next track “Are you down” tries to change the format and kick it up a notch, it's too jarring a change, with heavy drums, deep throaty keyboards and a rap. I guess it piques the interest, but you're left wondering where this band really fit in, what they're about?

“I wanna be loved by you” is a soul-style ballad, where each of the band “introduce” themselves --- ”I'm Danny, and I'm a Taurus...” Yeah, nice chat-up lines, guys. Original. It's an exceptionally self-indulgent song, even for a Boyband, and I officially hate it. Just so you know! Typical Starr crap. “Don't give up on me” (a plea from Starr to potential fans, perhaps?) ramps up the power a little more, with bright keys and pulsing bass, nice percussion and an almost rock melody, until closer “Treat me right” actually bops and rocks along quite nicely with a really not too bad ender, with elements of swing and doo-wop, as well as gospel and a little blues. Nice.

It's certainly not an album that was ever going to shake the world to its foundations, and were it not for the success of the followup, that may have been the last we ever heard of New Kids on the Block. Unfortunately for me, fate had other ideas...

TRACKLISTING

1. Stop it girl
2. Didn't I (blow your mind)
3. Popsicle
4. Angel
5. Be my girl
6. New Kids on the Block
7. Are you down?
8. I wanna be loved by you
9. Don't give up on me
10. Treat me right

Disappointed with sales of the debut album, and the Kids' reception by the public in general, Starr herded them back into the studio for over a year until they produced their second effort, 1989's “Hangin' tough”. Like New Edition before them, the guys decided they hated the bubblegum, “safe” approach of the debut and demanded more input into the new album, as well as their look. However, though three of them received credits as “associate producers”, Starr maintained his iron grip on the songwriting, but this time he in fact cracked it, and after initially looking like the new album would bomb just like the first, and NKOTB would be dropped by Columbia, sudden increased airplay and then interest from MTV saved them, and the album eventually went to number one, making the Kids, within a few short years, one of the hottest properties in the US music scene.

Hangin' tough --- New Kids on the Block --- 1988 (Columbia)


The album opens with a very Paula Abdul-type dance song, “You got it (The right stuff)” is typical of the sort of thing that would emanate from bands of this nature for the next ten years or more, until they all seem to blend together into one song, indistinguishable one from the other. That's how I see it, anyway. This, and the three tracks which follow it, were all released as singles and broke the charts wide apart. “Please don't go girl” is another soul ballad with the soon-to-be familiar spoken intro, clicky drum machine beats and electric piano. The quality of the vocal harmonies is deserving of praise, indeed, but then again, since none of them play any instrument or write the songs, they had bloody better know how to sing together! Again, that's my take on it.

More swirly synth and digital piano introduces another ballad, one of their bigger hit singles, “I'll be loving you (forever)”, which actually got to the number one spot. “Cover girl” is actually a huge surprise, with its screaming, soaraway guitar intro, and its Springsteen/Dire Straits-like piano. Another big hit, it reached number 2, and although it sort of slides into generic pop after the promising opening, it's still my favourite on the album due entirely to its unexpectedness (is that a word?).

“I need you” is another ballad, as the poor digital piano gets another workout, and then the title track throws down the gauntlet, creating yet another smash hit for NKOTB, and another number one. Almost reminiscent of Joan Jett's “I love rock and roll”, it's again something of a surprise, and not a totally bad track really. Then “I remember when” takes us back into the sugary realms of Boyband ballads (this makes the fourth ballad so far), with a certain seventies soul feel to it, before “Whatcha gonna do about it” transports us to the world of Janet Jackson, with a very hard-edged dance number, more of those stabbing synths and glissando keyboard runs.

Starr relaxes his death-grip on the songwriting --- or perhaps the boys manage to pry his fingers loose for a moment! --- to allow Wahlberg, Wood and Jordan Knight to contribute to the writing of “My favourite girl”, but to be honest they needn't have bothered, as it's nothing special and doesn't stand out as any different to the rest of the tracks. Closer “Hold on” starts out with some nice slap bass and possibly acoustic guitar before it falls back into yet another generic pop/dance track, although there is some pretty rocky guitar work there near the end. And so we come to the end of the album which broke New Kids on the Block, and assured they would become a household name.

I can see the differences between this and their debut, just as New Edition distanced themselves from their first album and upped the ante. It's a lot more polished, professional and has some far superior songs on it, though a lot of it sounds to me like it could still have used some work. Well, what do I know? By the end of the year the album had shot to number one, and there was no stopping the new guys!

TRACKLISTING

1. You got it (the right stuff)
2. Please don't go girl
3. I'll be loving you (forever)
4. Cover girl
5. I need you
6. Hangin' tough
7. I remember when
8. What'cha gonna do (about it)?
9. My favourite girl
10. Hold on

And that was it. Just like that, the band Columbia had been intending to drop due to poor record sales and thinking they had no future, suddenly became one of their biggest moneyspinners, and Maurice Starr was laughing all the way to the bank. NKOTB had conquered America by 1990, and the rest of the world by the following year. Merchandising contracts flowed, and the Kids even had a syndicated cartoon show on TV about them. They were huge business, but it would not last.

Allegations of lip-syncing (eventually withdrawn) hit their fanbase hard, and as the world shifted its focus away from Boybands towards the emergent gangsta rap scene and grunge rock, the Kids (now officially known only as NKOTB) parted company with Starr, and began to write and produce their own albums. These were not as successful as their second and third albums, and interest in NKOTB began to wane. Members left, record sales dipped and finally in 1994, disappointed with reaction to, and sales of their fourth album, the perhaps appropriately titled “Face the music”, they decided to disband altogether.

But as Count Dracula once warned, “You cannot kill what does not live!” and the boys reunited in 2008 for a triumphant comeback album and tour, and Lord help us, they're touring this year even as I write, supporting another Boyband, the Backstreet Boys. So it seems they're baaaaacckkk! Where's me Marillion albums?

So the last album we'll look at here is then, not surprisingly, their comeback album, recorded fourteen years after they had split up.

The Block --- New Kids on the Block --- 2008 (Interscope)


Oh well, apparently they're back to their full name, as the album sleeve attests to. Have they changed their musical style? Are they writing decent songs? Are they, in short, any good after almost a decade and a half in the wilderness? Enquiring minds want to know, so down I go, into the pit of despair. The things I do for you guys...

Well, one thing I notice from the liner notes (okay, okay, Wikipedia!) is that there are a lot of big guest stars on this album, whom we'll get to in due course. I do have to say though that the opener, “Click click” is a whole lot more mature and professional than anything I've heard from them to date: age does seem to have improved them, or maybe they've just gone full circle. After being the flag-bearers and vanguard for the Boyband movement in the eighties, perhaps they have now looked at the work of some of the “young pretenders” and decided those bands know what they're doing (considering the moolah they're raking in) and followed suit.

From the off, it's a lot less annoying an album than any of the others I've listened to, with restrained, echoey piano and keyboard rather than the stab of the synth that permeated their previous albums, at least the ones with Starr involved. It's a sort of semi-ballad, lots of handclaps and an easy melody. Nice opener. Then we come across the first of the big name involvement, Ne-Yo guests on “Single”, with that annoying updated vocoder vocal that is so prevalent in dance and r&b bands these days. Relatively restrained though. Not bad so far.

“Big girl now” features the flavour of the year, Lady Gaga, but it's a real example of the kind of song I hate, and I find it empty and vacuous. So, normal service resumed then! Oh well, let's not write them off just yet: we're only three tracks in. “Summertime” starts off as a nice laidback ballad, gets a little more animated, but it's pleasant enough, with some busy synth in the background of the melody. Another ballad follows in the shape of “2 in the morning”, and it's okay, nothing special but hey, it doesn't make me throw up, and that has to be good!

I notice that most of the songs on this are written by members of the band, mostly in fact Donnie Wahlberg, and it's got no less than twelve producers! Overproduced? Maybe. “Grown man” features the Pussycat Dolls and Teddy Riley (who he?) starts off with a kind of country rock melody, but with the Dolls on the track it really comes across as one of their songs, possibly a missed opportunity. “Dirty dancing” comes in on a nice clear piano line which continues through the song, and it works quite nicely against the handclap drumbeats, while the ridiculously titled “Sexify my love” is just basic throwaway, very forgettable apart from the title, then Timbaland guests on “Twisted”, close to a rock song for part of the track, and not too bad at all, nice orchestration on the strings.

New Edition, of all people, appear on “Full service”, and Lady Gaga reprises her role, making the song something of a celebration as the two old Boybands meet. Probably like if Zep and Purple guested on the same song. Maybe. Exuberant feel to the song, at any rate. “Lights camera action” sounds like someone's playing that old pop hit “Popcorn” in the background, and has the by-now-standard talking intro, but beneath it's just another boring dance song really.

Akon pops in for “Put it on my tab”, but as I say, the problem with these guest appearances is that it seems to me that each takes over the song and makes it in their own image, so it's hard to relate it to the Kids Who Are No Longer New on the Block. A case of pulling in stars to bolster up the album, perhaps? I personally feel it detracts from rather than benefits the comeback album, making it difficult to work out whether they've changed or improved at all. Used to be Maurice Starr who controlled them, now ostensibly they control their own music, but they do seem to have handed over a lot of creative control to these guests they have invited to contibute.

At least the closer, “Stare at you” is a decent, very decent ballad, and leaves you with a good tune in your head as you close down your media player and wonder what next for the New Kids?

TRACKLISTING

1. Click click
2. Single
3. Big girl now
4. Summertime
5. 2 in the morning
6. Grown man
7. Dirty dancing
8. Sexify my love
9. Twisted
10. Full service
11. Lights, camera, action
12. Put it on my tab
13. Stare at you

And so I return to the dock, watching the ship slide in closer through the early afternoon fog that shrouds the harbour. My first visit to Boybandland is complete. I've learned a lot, and I do have something more of a regard for the bands I've investigated, but I'm not going to be running out and buying a ticket for the NKOTB/BSB concert just yet!

As I look back from the rail of the ship, pulling away now from the dock and heading back out to sea, I ruminate on the beginnings of this thing called a Boyband, and wonder how much blame the bands that came before them have to take for the creation of this beast? After all, without the Jackson 5 or indeed the Osmonds, there might never have been a belief that a band could exist without any instruments, that more than one person could sing and that they should also dance.

I guess we can't blame New Edition or New Kids for being a product of their time, and to be fair, it's more the later, media-saturated bands like Westlife and Take That I have a problem with. And I know I'll be soon listening to their brand of music when I reach the second island in this weird country, and begin to trace the history of the nineties Boybands, particularly those from my own native Ireland.

Until then, I think I'll go belowdecks and review a Venom album or two: got to do something to get that bloody digital piano out of my head!

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Sick to death of all this Boyband tosh? The worm will see you right! Get your listening gear round THIS!

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Random Track of the Day
Tuesday, November 8 2011
Oooh, I still feel dirty after listening to all those boyband songs! Brrr! Feel like someone's danced in choreographic perfection across my grave! Be a while before I do that again! Thankfully the random-o-meter has selected for us today a decent rock track, the incomparable Rory Gallagher. Why do the good always leave us too soon?

I'll admit you're gone --- Rory Gallagher --- from "Calling card" on Chrysalis


A sort of mixture of blues and a little country, this is a track from an album of his that I have to sheepishly admit I'm not that familiar with, and I should be. But hey, it's Rory! Thank the rock gods for people like him...

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Time once again for another selection of those first impressions, the opening tracks we hear when we put on an album, and that often determine either whether or not we listen to the rest of it, or how wary we are in doing so. A bad opening track can potentially spoil your enjoyment of what could be a good album, but that isn't a criticism that could be levelled at any of the below tracks.

Starting with the late Laura Branigan, opening track from her “Self control” album, and itself a hit single, this is “The lucky one”.


Great opener from a great Album, this is Heart, from “Bad animals”, with “Who will you run to”.


Could there be a more classic opening track, or a more definitive one? Boston, from their self-titled debut, and the massive “More than a feeling”.


A truly epic start to what is a little of a hit-and-miss album for Fish, this is “The perception of Johnny Punter”, taken from “Sunsets on empire”.


And last but definitely not least, you just know from the opening snarling guitar chords on this that it's gonna be one hell of a ride! And it is! From the debut album by Ten, this is “The Crusades (It's all about love)”.

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Random Track of the Day
Wednesday, November 9 2011
Someone we haven't heard from at all during the course of my journal, in any capacity, is Bryan Ferry. The random-o-meter rectifies that now, with a track from his fifth solo album, the rather tittilatingly-titled (try saying that after six pints of wicked strength lager!) “The bride stripped bare”.

Sign of the times --- Bryan Ferry --- from "The bride stripped bare" on EG


Always a distinctive voice, Ferry was the frontman for Roxy Music for over ten years, and for this album he pulled in top talent like John Wetton, Herbie Flowers and the incomparable Mel Collins on sax. It's a rocker, with a hard edge reminiscent of his early work with the band, in the vein of “A hard rain's gonna fall” or “Virginia plain”.

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Ah, the worm doesn't know: there's just something about this song that he likes. Yeah, it sounds a bit drab and boring, but it has a certain something...

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Ah yes, time to descend once again into the darkest pits of Eurovision Hell! Going all the way back to the year of my birth (what a wonderful year, eh?), and a song from Denmark, sung by Grethe and Jorgen Ingmann, called “Danesvise” (I would hazard it's something like dancer or dancing, but my Danish isn't up to scratch I'm afraid!), which was actually the winner of the 1963 competition.

Sounds like something you'd hear Lili Marlene sing in a seedy World War II German nightclub, is what I think! Oh well, it obviously got the most votes so they must have thought it was good. At least the guy on the guitar --- Jorgen I presume --- seems to be enjoying himself!

1963 --- Denmark --- “Danesvise” by Grethe and Jorgen Ingmann (Winner!)

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Some albums are excellent, some are really dire, and then there are the ones in the middle. You don't hate it but you don't love it. You might play it the odd time, but you're not going to be that pushed. It's in your record collection, you wouldn't get rid of it, but it will probably be a long time before, if ever, you listen to it all the way through again.

Welcome to “Meh...”, the new section where I'll be reviewing albums that did not impress me, but nevertheless are not bad enough to qualify for the “Nice song, shame about the album!” section, and which are unlikely to ever make it to the “Last Chance Saloon”. These are the albums I know I was not blown away by, but weren't so bad that I'd never listen to them again. At best, I might lift a track here or there for a playlist, but that's about it. Prepare to be underwhelmed as we delve into my barrel of mediocrity, not quite scraping the bottom...

The power and the myth --- House of Lords --- 2004 (Frontiers)


This was an album I had high hopes for. Don't ask me why: I had never heard of the band before, but something about it just piqued my interest and I decided to give it a try. While not awful by any means, it nevertheless did not exactly send me searching avidly for the rest of their catalogue. It is in fact their fourth of, to date, eight studio albums, but even the appearance of Dream Theater's Derek Shernihan and the lovely Robin Beck could not lift this album above the realm of the ordinary for me.

It opens with “Today”, nice humming synth and lovely little picked classical guitar, the synth getting louder and more insistent until it's joined by electric guitar and drums, and the song gets going. The vocals of James Christian, who also plays lead guitar, swing between a sort of Nickelback growl and a generic AOR style, but effective and also very clear. Nice guitar solo too.

It's an impressive opener, but then “All is gone” seems to be a fairly generic rock song, nice idea but undeveloped, with an almost Free-like melody, failry predictable and a bit of a disappointment after the first track. “Am I the only one” has a nice oriental feel to the keyboard opening, then slips into a sort of semi-ballad style, understated, not bad. It goes along nicely, but then ends very badly, quite unexpectedly. It's followed by a hard rocker, “Living in silence”, but this goes from prog rock to almost heavy metal: hard to place this band, whom I had taken as being a progressive rock band at heart, but find now to be more straddling AOR and hard rock with, it has to be said, not too much confidence on either side. A balancing act that constantly looks in danger of failing, sending the guys tumbling through the air and down to the ground.

The title track, then, comes over all prog-rock, a powerful instrumental with organs, keyboards, synth and rumbling drums, wailing guitars and warbling keys going at it hammer and tongs. This then runs into the eastern-favoured, Zep-like “The Rapture”, which gives way to the gentle, almost acoustic “The man who I am” (bad grammar too!), probably one of the best tracks on the album with its softly keening synth and its laidback guitar, Christian singing the best I've heard him so far. I believe Shernihan's expertly-crafted keyboards are what makes this song so good. Then we're into “Bitter sweet euphoria”, a mid-paced rocker with busy guitars and a nice solo, but then “Mind trip” falls over into hard rock/almost-punk territory, and it just doesn't work for me. Just sounds a little too confused.

Closer “Child of rage” mimicks Guns 'n' Roses' version of Dylan's “Knockin' on Heaven's door” with its opening, but it settles into a nice little ballad with country leanings, great acoustic guitar and organ taking the melody until the electric guitar kicks in as the chorus hits. Very much in the style of Bon Jovi, Poison or indeed the aforementioned G'n'R, a kind of “cowboy ballad”, the sort that tends to be popular with heavy rock bands, and to be fair, they do a good job on it, and it's a very decent closer.

But there are too many low points and nothing special enough about this album to earn it any proper points. Not, as I said at the introduction, a bad album by any means, but nothing great either. And so it earns the dubious honour of being the first album into the “Meh” pile. I don't doubt there'll be plenty more.

TRACKLISTING

1. Today
2. All is gone
3. Am I the only one
4. Living in silence
5. The power and the myth
6. The Rapture
7. The man who I am
8. Bitter sweet euphoria
9. Mind trip
10. Child of rage

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Cool song from Aerosmith today, with tongue firmly in cheek, this is “Dude (Looks like a lady)”!

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