Trollheart

I'm always happy to see someone tackle metal outside of their own area of influence. I loved Hayseed Dixie's rendition of “Ace of spades”, and of course metal acquires a really deep sense of grandeur when it's performed by a full orchestra, whether instrumentally, as in the “Hooked on Classic Rock” series or the Vienna Symphonic Orchestra going metal, or indeed with a band, as Metallica proved with “S&M”. So in thisnew section I’m calling
I'll be looking at albums, mostly, where an established artist who was not anywhere near the usual metal arena took on the task of interpreting our favourite music, or where a metal band decided to give their songs that added oomph! Factor by calling in and working with an orchestra.

And the first one out of the gate, discovered entirely by accident when I was researching for another feature, to be published later, is this man, believe it or not.

Yeah, the Christian crooner, the man with more Christmas albums than Perry Como and Val Doonican put together --- maybe --- and who would be more at home in my “Rocking Chair” slot than in Metal Month II. A man who has over seventy albums to his credit, and was the darling of American radio and TV in the 50s and 60s. The man who brought us “Speedy Gonzales” (Yee-hah! Hondalay! Arriba!), “Love letters in the sand” and many others, and whose fundamental Christian beliefs and persona would, you would think, have him spouting fire and brimstone from the pulpit at the godless music of the Devil. But he decided, in 1997, to take himself less seriously perhaps, or just reach out to the young 'uns, and cover metal songs.

In a metal mood: No more Mr. Nice Guy --- Pat Boone --- 1997 (Hip-O)

Whatever possessed (!) then then-sixty-three year old Boone to do this I don't know, but at least he recognised his own limitations. He was hardly going to pick up a Fender and start blasting out killer riffs in a voice that sounded like he ate cigarettes for breakfast! No, he would stick to his traditional genre but, literally, jazz metal up by playing famous tunes in a big band style. How did it work out? You know something? I don't know. Let's take a listen.

He wasn't alone in his endeavour, pulling in star help from the metal community in the form of ex-Rainbow stalwarts Ritchie Blackmore and the late Ronnie James Dio, as well as Dweezil Zappa to realise this album. Almost every song on it is a metal standard, including obviously Dio and Purple ones. We get going with, perhaps oddly enough as he could have really kicked out the stays and made a mission statement for this project with “Breaking the law”, a track from Judas Priest's “Screaming for vengeance” album, one of the singles, “You've got another thing comin'”. With a big brass intro and then accompanied by uptempo trumpets, Boone takes the vocal himself on this song. I'm not that familiar with it so I don't know if he does a good job on it, but I think I heard it once or maybe twice, and he seems to not ruin it. Nice sax solo takes the place of, I assume, guitar on the original, while upright bass thumps away happily. More to the point is the second track, the acid test as it were, as he tackles stone-cold classic “Smoke on the water”.

Blackmore's guitar gets that familiar riff going (why would be be there if not to play that oh-so-famous intro anyway?) but softened by the addition of wailing organ and some saxophone, which definitely turns the metal classic into a jazz tune. Again Boone takes the vocal himself, and while he is of course no replacement for Gillan, and his vocal is lacking the anger and passion of the Purple man's at the tragedy of which this song speaks, it's still believable. Very jazzy guitar solo from Ritchie, and the timbales and bass carry the latter part of the song nicely. AC/DC's “It's a long way to the top (If you wanna rock'n'roll)” is up next, introduced on chunky organ then some really nice trombone as it strides along with a real boogie beat.

Nice female backing vocals from Merry Clayton, Clydene Jackson Edwards and Carmen Twillie, who we met on the “Cobra” soundtrack a while back. Well this certainly swings, and Boone sounds like he's really enjoying himself, and truth to tell, he probably got a kick out of annoying the stuffed shirts who watched this drama unfold in silent horror that their hero could get involved with “that sort of music”. Another great sax solo, but there are so many players here I couldn't tell you who's responsible for it. Again perhaps an odd choice if you're gonna cover a Val Halen song, “Panama” gets the full jazz treatment --- pity Boone couldn't have enticed Eddie to add his skills, but Blackmore puts in a seriously smoking solo at the opening of the song before the brass take over and the female backing vocals start the song off.

A harder, more sort of thumping rhythm to this, the closest you could say Boone has come to real rock on this album so far --- which is odd, given that he covered the Deep Purple classic, but that was jazzed up, whereas this is not, not so much anyway --- with a brash, almost AOR rhythm to it as Boone sings about the famous city once lauded by Dave Lee Roth. Traces of Manilow's “Copacabana” in here I feel, very latin in style, not surprisingly given the title. Very enjoyable. Next we have a real swing version of the title track, “No more Mr. Nice Guy”, originally by Alice Cooper. It could almost be a signature song for Boone, if you drop the first two words, but it makes sense here, because it's what he's saying: this is a side of me you ain't seen. You may never see it again, but fuck you cos I'm having a whale of a time! Fair play to him. The girls do really well with the backing vocals here, but again the brass have it all tied up. Great song, really cleverly arranged.

A ballad should be easy to put to a big band setting, and Nazareth's “Love hurts” is the only slow song on the album, riding on a superb little soft piano line and it must be said a deep, passionate vocal from Boone that never goes over the top; in fact, it's very restrained. Dave Siebels (who he?) must take credit for a sublime performance on the piano, while flutes or clarinets or something add an extra layer to the song, as do strings courtesy of Doug Cameron, Bruce Dukov and Michelle Richards on the violins, and Evan Wilson on the viola. Add in trombones and trumpets all building up the atmosphere and you have one smoky, jazzy lounge ballad that whispers rather than screams its sultriness.

Metallica's standard is introduced by Blackmore with the classic guitar riff but is quickly joined by trumpets and bones as Boone ups the tempo from the original, which pretty much crawled, but whereas that exuded a sense of menace and creeping fear, there's nothing about this version that evokes that sort of aura. It's actually like a lion with all its teeth pulled, and whereas he managed great with “Smoke on the water”, here I think he stumbles for the first time. I just think this does not work. Not to say it's not well treated, but it's made too light of. Dark bassoon, tuba, heavy bass might have been better. Here, the instruments are too light and airy to even come close to conveying the original feel of the song.

There is of course only one man who could do “Holy diver” justice, and it's really interesting to hear Ronnie sing --- oh no wait. It's Boone himself. Strange. The credits show Dio as being on vocals, so where is he? I think this was a mistake; if he had Ronnie there with him why did he not use him for the lead vocal, or at least duet with him? That's like having a shiny new Ferrari in the garage and going off in an old Camaro. No offence, Pat, but you're no RJD! Anyway, the song is played against a mournful violin opening that turns into a dramatic brass salvo that almost recalls “Jesus Christ Superstar” for me, then heavy trumpets and trombones usher the song in fully. It swings, but I'm disappointed there's no Ronnie. Boone also decides to recite the Lord's Prayer at the end over the violin, perhaps in an attempt to placate those fans who were rabidly against this experiment.

Great jazzy piano takes “Paradise City”, and he does a fine job on this, the brass again rising to the occasion. He does kind of sing it in almost a rap style though, which is a little odd. You can't help but tap your toe though! The upright bass also does really well here, and there's a super instrumental break near the end. Another which should on the face of it seem an easy transition to Boone's particular brand of soft jazz is “The wind cries Mary”. Soft trumpet opens the song, with acoustic guitar and bass. Of course it's missing Hendrix's weary growl, and there's none of the tension that came only from Jimi's nimble fingers. There's also an uptempo brass piece put in that I think kind of ruins the song. He's extended it by about a minute that in my opinion was not necessary.

Ozzy's “Crazy train” is again an odd one. If you want to include the big O, I would have taken a Sabbath song to cover. But it must be said that with a very few exceptions there's nothing wrong with the selection chosen here, and they give a good overall picture of the metal scene from the seventies to the eighties. This has a really swinging rhythm, lots of brass and a really nice bass, but I could do without the “choo choo” noises from the girls. And we close on the classic of classics, as Boone brings the curtain down climbing the “Stairway to Heaven”. This has been covered many times of course, but I don't think I've ever heard a version like this. Good or bad?

Well...

It opens on soft flute and strings, which is certainly evocative and substitutes the acoustic guitar well, although that itself comes in then with attendant piano. However it soon gets a little too jazzy, sort of striding along, which doesn't really work for me. It'll be interesting to see how the midsection --- originally taken by Page --- turns out. It gets very big band in the “It makes me wonder” section, then the horns take the tune. They work, mostly, but I'm not convinced. Nice work on the piano, and here comes the part where the guitar normally rocks out. And we get... um, nothing. He just cuts right to the vocal with “As we wind on down the road...” Boo! Nice sax solo near the end but I think he really missed a trick by cutting out the iconic guitar solo, even had he substituted it with horns, piano, violin --- hell, I'd have taken flute! But nothing?

Not the best of ways to end the album and while it's an interesting treatment of the classic we all grew up on, and I don't feel slighted or insulted by it --- Boone paid the proper respect, mostly, to the original --- I feel it was definitely an opportunity missed.

TRACKLISTING

1. You've got another thing comin'
2. Smoke on the water
3. It's a long way to the top (if you wanna rock'n'roll)
4. Panama
5. No more Mr. Nice Guy
6. Love hurts
7. Enter sandman
8. Holy diver
9. Paradise City
10. The wind cries Mary
11. Crazy train
12. Stairway to Heaven

It's always good to see someone step outside their comfort zone, and it's especially satisfying to see a man whose music is pretty much the antithesis of metal --- philosophically --- give it a chance and play around with it. I like picturing the faces of the Bible Belters who frowned in annoyance and disbelief when Boone announced this album, and the equal puzzlement of many metallers, myself included, when we heard of it. But one of the best things you can do with something you have no real truck with generally is to try to gently poke fun at it and if not understand it then at least appreciate and experience it.

Donny Osmond (yeah) tells a tale of when he played a rock festival and some bikers were giving him hell about the song “Puppy love”. In case you don't know or care, it's a soppy ballad that was a hit for him in the seventies. Rather than shout back, get annoyed or try to have them removed, he decided to play them at their own game, and instructed his band to play heavy metal, then sung the song in a total death vocal style. The bikers, apparently, ate it all up and laughed and applauded.

That's how to do it. Don't be afraid of or hate something just because you don't understand it. As an artist, a singer, you can reinterpret the music to fit into your own sphere of influence, and that's exactly what Pat Boone did here. Did it work? Not always. Did he alienate many of his longtime fans by going down this temporary route? Most likely. Did he enjoy it? I bet he did.

And so did I.

I'm just glad I don't subscribe to Last FM: it would be hard to explain all those Pat Boone songs on the list!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

Nattfödd --- Finntroll --- 2004 (Spikefarm Records)
Recommended by Briks
Wiki tells me the title of the album means “Nightborn” in Swedish, and although this Folk Metal band are from Finland, as you would expect from their name, vocalist Katla wanted to sing in his native Swedish and though he doesn’t sing on this album his successors have carried this idea on. Finntroll boast some hilarious names, like Skrymer on guitars, Beast Dominator on drums and the side-splittingly funny Trollhorn on keys. Oh stop it please guys! You’re killing me!

All well and good, but how does Finntroll’s music hold up? Well, lyrically I can’t help you obviously, though Wiki has kindly supplied me with translations of the song titles, but apparently their music seems to revolve mostly around the battles between the trolls of Scandinavian myth and the Christians, who are seen as invaders and usurpers. These themes carry across most of their six-album discography, of which this is their third.

Once again, dark thunder and winds usher in the first track, with what could be whispers and possibly very low keyboard chords echoing faintly in the distance. Suddenly a guitar cuts through powerfully and the drums cut in, then vocalist Tapio Wilska turns out to be another growler, perhaps fitting if he’s meant to be a troll. Sort of feeling of Black Metal meets Folk or Pagan Metal about it, and the stabbing keyboard chords from (oh please no! Don’t make me write his name!) Trollhorn (chortle) add a sense of drama and stately power to a track which fairly rockets along.

That’s actually the longest of the ten tracks here, then “Eliytres” opens with some sort of folk piano reel or something, then kicks into another fast rocker but with the traditional tune still running in the background. In the middle of the song it gets very cinematic on the back of Trollhorn’s (all right! I’ll stop now! Well maybe just one more!) keyboards then picks back up again to speed to the end, running into “Fiskarens fiende” (Fisherman’s enemy, in case you need to know) which has a more boogie rhythm to it. It swaggers along on the twin guitars of Skrymer and Routa, led a merry dance by Trollhorn and driven along by the Beast Dominator. Oh come on please! My poor sides!

The music, when they really let loose, is actually quite good, and you can certainly detect the influence of their native folk music in it; this even gets slightly progressive in melody at one point. “Trollhammaren” (even I don’t need that translated!) starts off with a sort of fiddle sound, presumably on the keys, then bursts into another fast rocker, with again very evident folk tinges. Great sense of fun --- in the melody at least; lyric could be about disembowelling and eating your cousin --- in the title track. In the middle it goes all mellow with a nice soft guitar and slow drums, but I don’t expect it to last. Ol’ Tapio even tries his hand at some non-growling singing. Doesn’t really work. Nice vocal chorus on the keys from the Trollish one, very effective. One of the best tracks yet.

Things go a little crazy in “Ursvamp” (Ancient mushroom --- oh I see!) with Beast Dominator almost losing his arms in his exertions behind the drumkit, someone --- Trollhorn probably --- making a flutey sound and a sort of mad bouzouki one too, as the track cannons along and is over before I even have time to write this. Strange effects and ambient noises then bring us into “Marknadsvisan” (Market tune) which has no music really, but Tipio getting very upset when, it seems, he steps in something (!) and it too is over superfast, leaving nothing but birdsong --- yeah! --- behind as we pile into “Det iskalla trollblodet” (The ice cold troll blood), almost like Jonathan Richman on speed!

One thing I’m finding about these guys, which I had not expected, is that they come across as bloody funny! I don’t know if it’s intentional, but the melodies, the rhythms and Tipio’s growling angry voice, all just have me rolling on the floor laughing. Almost literally. Its’s not that the music is laughable or not good, it’s just the image conjured up in my mind as I listen to this music with lyrics I can’t understand, and it’s just so amusing to me. I guess a lot of it has to do with the trolls being the main subject matter, because these guys really sound to me what I think trolls would sound like if they formed a band (and existed). A much softer, restrained opening to “Grottans Barn”, with what sounds like jew’s harp and then a slower, grindier song than we’ve experienced up to now. Hmm. I assumed that was a literal translation --- a barn owned by Grottan --- but apparently it means “Children of the ice caves”. Indeed.

We end on an instrumental, the only one on the album, and “Rok” (Smoke) is another short track, as are most of the songs here. Nice introspective guitar accompanied by owl hoots (seriously) that really evokes a natural, pastoral atmosphere, possibly the calm after the battle? If there was a battle. I don’t know if there was a battle. But, you know, trolls…? Anyway it’s a nice closer and a chance to wind down after all the histrionics of the last half-hour, and it’s nice to see that Finntroll are capable of dialling it back when they want to.

Just don’t make them angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry…

TRACKLISTING

1. Vindfärd / Människopesten
2. Eliytres
3. Fiskarens fiende
4. Trollhammaren
5. Nattfödd
6. Ursvamp
7. Marknadsvisan
8. Det iskalla trollblodet
9. Grottans barn
10. Rok

I guess I’m never going to shake the image of a bunch of trolls playing guitars, bashing drums, playing keyboards and roaring the vocals out, but you know, at the end of the day, though this may not really be the kind of music I’m into or would actively seek out, this was in fact very enjoyable and what Fintroll do they do well. I suppose I might get more out of it, seeing as there are myths and monsters involved, if I could understand the lyrics, but I’m not about to learn Swedish or Finnish any time soon. But it was something of a blast.

You trolls are all right, man!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

The next band has been suggested by a forum member, although admittedly with a knowing wink and an evil grin, and Mondo Bungle knows he would get me with this one way or the other, as they were on his top ten list. I avoided them there, but now I have no choice so I may as well give them a listen, see what I managed to put off last week. Anyway, I said when I began this short voyage through the metal of each country that I wanted to showcase and listen to metal of as many stripes as possible, so let's just hope they're not a grindcore band. They're a grindcore band, aren't they? Tell me they're not a grindcore band.

They're not a grindcore band.

Hold those sighs of relief though: EM describes them as death/black metal. Two of my least favourite subgenres. Sigh.


Seven chalices --- Teitanblood --- 2009 (Norma Evangelium)

For a band who have been together since 2003 I find it odd that these guys have only two albums to their name, but as their latest was released this year and I want to try staying away from current albums so as not to compromise the “Freshly Forged” section, this is the other choice. And with song titles like “Morbid devil of pestilence”, “Seven chalices of vomit and blood”, and the opener, “Whore mass”, it looks like I'm in for a jolly old time, doesn't it? The album doesn't even have the decency to be short, with eleven tracks, one of which is twelve bloody minutes long! Oh thanks Mondo! I thought it was only me and Batty who were allowed into The Batlord's Torture Chamber?

So what can I tell you about these happy musicians? Well for a start they're yet another two-man-band, with the clever names of J (drums) and NSK (everything else, including what may pass for vocals) and they come from the capital, Madrid. Other than that, not much, except that I doubt they do much dropping around for tea and scones with the vicar on a Sunday afternoon. The aforementioned “Whore mass” takes us, screaming and blubbering, into their dark world as we find ourselves at some black ceremony, with a dark choir singing in (presumably) praise of Santa as atmospheric, cinematic and scary music swirls around us. I don't think Teitanblood do keyboards so I'm assuming this is a sample from some horror movie. A guitar bludgeons its way into proceedings as J lashes the drumkit in fury, NSK making his guitar screech and squeal like a damned soul in torment, but rather --- very --- surprisingly, I think this is pretty cool. Mind you, he ain't started singing yet! Now a big dark Sababthesque riff takes the song as it slows down more into sludge metal territory almost, and it seems the opening track is over with nary a vocal. That's remedied when “Domains of darkness and ancient evil” (these guys ever work for the tourist board I wonder?) sledgehammers its way onboard, and we get exposed to the vocal of NSK, which as expected is a snarly, growly, ragged death vocal.

But the music is good, and a lot faster than the previous track. Ol' NSK (can I call you N? No? Fair enough) can certainly handle that axe --- I meant guitar, NSK! Put that down! It's sharp! And the beat hammered out by J is quite hypnotic. Even though it's fast, the tempo is a lot more restrained than I've heard from other black metal bands. And just as I said that it goes into overdrive. Trollheart, when will you learn to keep your mouth shut? Pretty smoking solo from NSK as the song pounds on, though I have of course no idea what he's singing. Probably doesn't matter. There are three short songs, all entitled “Interlude”, but each has a strange subtitle in parentheses, two of which look like they're in Arabic or Ancient Greek or Elvish or something. The first, “Interlude ((عين إبليس)”, starts off with what sounds like dark synth but may be feedback on guitar, then some bells and a dark voice muttering or something, the synth sound swelling like a black choir, sort of like a continuation of the opening track.

With a menacing whisper or sigh it's over and we're on to “Morbid devil of pestilence”, seeming to interrupt NSK on the toilet, as J develops four extra arms --- well, he must do, mustn't he, to be able to play that fast? --- and the guitar matches him for speed. NSK growls and snarls like Tom Waits when someone has woken him up without a drink, and I find it hard to find any melody in this song at all: it's just the one riff exploding along for about two minutes until finally it begins to settle down with an Iommi-like riff on the guitar, though the drummer seems to be off doing his own thing, oblivious to what his partner is playing. Very discordant. A shred to end all shreds now from NSK as the drums rumble on like uncontrolled thunder, or like a thousand bowling balls rolling down a steep incline and over a cliff. As the song blunders to its conclusion it sounds like NSK has been strapped into the electric chair.

The next interlude is up next, and this is called “Interlude (Ugaritic title)” ---dunno what that means --- but it's a far heavier one this time, with guitar punching all over it and a deep growling vocal and hold on a minute! This is supposed to be the interlude but I'm getting something called “Infernal dance of the wicked”? What is it with Grooveshark? Looking down I see the other interlude has been replaced by "Qliphotic necromancy”! WTF?? These aren't even mentioned on the album I read about. Are they bonus, or special edition tracks? What happened to the interludes? I can't even look for them on YouTube due to the weird Arabic or whatever writing in their titles, so I'm stuck with these, but where they came from I have no idea.

So now we're listening to “Infernal dance of the wicked”. Okay. As I said, it's another hammerfest with guitar and drums and evil bass, and a scowling vocal. Oh right! These tracks are on the album; it's just that for some reason this version omits the other two interludes. Odd, but it leaves me less of the album to listen to, so that can't be bad. Bit of an almost boogie to this tune in places, but again it's pretty chaotic, and it's not long before we're into the charming love song “Seven chalices of vomit and blood”, which surely should have been an international hit on the charts, with its incessant, grinding guitar assault and its even-deeper-than-usual roared vocal. Oh yeah, it's hard to see how the kids wouldn't be rushing out in their millions to buy this!

Look, I'm going to level with you: there's very little on this album I can even write about, so I'm listening to it in the background and making a few pithy comments, just waiting for it to end. I think there may be certain types of black metal I may be able to endure, or even like, but this is definitely not one of them. If I had to categorise it I'd say brutal black metal, though I an definitely see the reason for including the “death” part in the description. Just does nothing for me. Where are we? Oh yeah, coming to the end of this track and surprisingly it's all slowed to a crawl as NSK intones something like a prayer to Satan backed only by very low feedback guitar I guess and bass, in “Qliphotic necromancy” (what does that even mean??), a short track that then takes us into that one I've been dreading, the twelve-minute “The abomination of desolation”. Oh joy!

We're back on track (to Hell) now, as snarling guitar meets slow, pounding drums and NSK's sneering snarl, a slower, crunchy, grinding track that makes you feel as if the walls are closing in on you. Honestly, I don't mean to be smart but I've heard more coherent noises coming from the neighbour's dog! He can't play the guitar though... Okay, in the ninth minute all music drops way and we have a choral ensemble, again like a mass or lament, though I think I can hear NSK snarling almost quietly through it in the background. It does change things up slightly though. Sounds like dripping water echoing gives the effect of desolation and isolation, almost as if we're seeing into some poor wretch's cell, like The Ruins of Beverast on "Rain upon the impure". Then the choir too fades out and we've nothing but a dark rumbling sound as backdrop to the waterdrops falling, a sound which gets fleshed out a little more and almost becomes rushing water for a moment before it too fades away and the track ends.

Closer is another long one, with “The origins of death” weighing in at nearly nine and a half minutes with a big heavy Sabbath riff to start it off, then taking off at full speed with thick feedback guitar and cannoning drums, NSK's snarling vocal all over the song but completely indecipherable, to me at least. Goes all echoey near the end and then, I have to say thankfully, it's over.

TRACKLISTING

1. Whore mass
2. Domains of darkness and ancient evil
3. Interlude ((عين إبليس)
4. Morbid devil of pestilence
5. Interlude (Ugartic title)
6. Infernal dance of the wicked
7. Interlude (वामाचार )
8. Seven chalices of vomit and blood
9. Qliphotic necromancy
10. The abomination of desolation
11. The origin of death

So I guess the big question is, did I enjoy this? Some of the subgenres I will never understand nor be able to get into, and I guess black metal --- certainly this kind of black metal --- will forever be one of them. There's not much I can say about this album. I'll give Teitanblood kudos for creating a soundscape with only two of them – mostly NSK, as all J does is bash on the drums like Animal from “The Muppet Show” --- and there was the odd slice of half-decent melody, but overall, too fast in most places, vocals completely incomprehensible and the subject matter is not one I am interested in exploring: too visceral and direct. I prefer my tirades against God to be more subtle, like Slayer. Seriously. Like Slayer.

So this is a big fat NO for me, though I do feel like I've been run down to ground like some animal. Mondo couldn't get me on this with his top ten, but he bade his time, let me twist in the wind and then --- BAM! Got ya! Kudos, man. Kudos.

You sick bastard.

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

The Batlord

Actually I'm pretty sure I picked up my copy at K-Mart (ghetto Wal-Mart). The only ones who give a **** about Slayer anymore are metalheads. Everyone else either doesn't know or doesn't care.

Dude, it's just another anti-religious song. It's not identifying with terrorists, it's attacking them. And I'm pretty sure most people were over 9/11 by then. We were into Iraq and we didn't know why and the country was just kind of tired of the whole thing. I don't know about New Yorkers, but I imagine most of the rest of the country had moved on.

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Trollheart

It's always nice to have a guest reviewer, and to date we've had Briks and Buzz Killington. The Batlord has had some celebrity reviewers, with Hitler of all people turning up in one of his journals. That's pretty impressive, but during Metal Month II there really is only one star guest you could hope to ask to take part, and I've got him. The Big Daddy of them all, the being to whom so many of these bands write songs, the one who makes parents shiver in their beds as they listen to his praises being sung in their teenage son's bedroom.

Ladies and gentlemen, all the way up from the very depths of Hell itself, he's pleased to meet you and hopes you guessed his name! Will you please give a huge, Metal Month II rousing welcome to our star guest reviewer...

Thank you, thank you Trollheart! It's great to be here. Longtime reader, first time contributer. I must say, I'm a little nervous: in fact, you might say I'm afraid of “Satan” the wrong thing! Bu-pish! Who groaned? Oh yeah? I'll see you later mate! You enjoy that burger and chips, you hear? Your heart is callin' time on ya!

Anyway, as I say I'm delighted to be here, where so many people are truly glorifying my music and making me bigger and stronger every day. You know, it's not just the music --- really, some of you sing in such a way (as Trollheart has observed already) that it's really difficult to make out what you're saying. So I'm glad that in addition to the music there's the more, ah, graphical side of your ventures. And this is what I intend to cover on this, my first ever guest review here. So without further ado, let me present...


Yes, from the early sixties and before, parents and authority figures have shaken their head, tsked and in some cases tried to ban lurid album covers, depictions they believe are inappropriate and may corrupt their children or give them the wrong idea. But if any genre of music takes this to the nth degree it's Heavy Metal. Yeah! Just check out the first in my top ten countdown, and tell me you're not offended! Okay, okay! Tell me your parents would not be offended.

What? Really? Oh for the love of.... bloody censors! You just wait till I have you guys down here, I'll cut out your --- yes yes all right! Mutter! I'm apparently contractually obliged to display this sign

in case anyone gets upset. Let me also warn you, in accordance with Trollheart's insurance policy, that if you are of a weak, aged, squeamish or overly religious nature, you may wish to leave the room. Trollheart? You think you're okay to stay? With your weak stomach? No, no, you're right: it's your journal. I just thought ... no, no. Fine. (Don't say I didn't warn you...)


At number
10


Yes, you can always rely on Black Sabbath for a nice, clergy-scaring, dark as fuck, blasphemous album cover! Well no you can't: many of their album sleeves are just plain boring (O mean, come on! “Paranoid”? Some guy waving a sword at you who's out of focus? Give me a break!) but this one is anything but. Painted by the same guy who would later go on to design Alice Cooper's “Welcome to my nightmare”, the picture is of a man on a bed dying a particularly nasty death, aided by some of my faithful demons. Aren't they cute? Nice touch with the 666 on the headboard. Of course, the back of the album cover shows him dying a “nice” death, but who the hell cares about that? THIS is the cover that sold the album, not some wimpy fairy shit. This is rock! This is METAL!

At number
9


I really like this one; reminds me of my birth! Nah, not really. I was born an angel you know, until that sanctimonious fuck kicked me out for one little ... but I digress. Death metal is a subgenre of metal that often comes up with the most ugly, disgusting covers, and with this one they hit a home run, as you Americans tend to say. You know I have a lot of you Down Below, don't you? Yes, they thought God would save them, too. Newsflash: he didn't. God doesn't love Americans any more than any other race, and I tell you, every time he hears “God bless America”, well, you can hear the laughter all the way down in my office. Quite annoying. And you do say it so often, don't you?

But again I wander off my track. This album shows a demon baby --- ah, look at him there! Don't you just want to snuggle him up and tear his little throat out? No? You people are weird! --- being born while a rather ravishing (well, I think she is) demoness strains and a bunch of cowled figures stand around, possibly discussing names for the little darling. Or maybe how he's the Antichrist and going to bring about the end of the world, you know how cowled figures are. Anyway it's a cool sleeve and sure to put the frighteners up any square --- do you still say square these days? Anyway, as my good friend The Batlord would say, it's bitchin'!

Number
8


I can't quite put my talon on why I like this one ---- GUFFAW GUFFAW! Oh come on! Even you Christians have to admit it's a laugh --- what? Not even a titter? Evil Hell! You are a bunch of tightarsed, stuck-up wankers aren't you? Well I love it. Good on ya, Celtic Frost!

Moving on to number
7
and if you thought that was good, check this out!

At first glance, looks like a very pretty woman cradling a child, but then you do a double take and you notice --- if you're not blind --- that her insides are exposed and yeah, that's part of them that she has in her arms, wrapped in a blanket and shaped roughly into the form of a human child. Oh, Regurgitate, you really should take a trip down here. You'd just love it! Or maybe not.

Number
6
shows us what happens when you get the munchies and don't satisfy that craving! Well we all get hungry from time to time, don't we?


So now we're halfway through our countdown, and thanks to this bloody annoying rule about ten images maximum per page, I have to cut this article in two (no pun actually intended: see my next pick!) so stay tuned for my top five, coming right up!

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Isbjørn

Fun fact: they speak Swedish in certain parts of Finland since they were part of the Swedish Empire (like the Roman empire, but less badass) for centuries. And I can understand Finntroll's lyrics, piece of cake. *smug grin* In case you were wondering, "Trollhammaren" is about a troll who rides around seeking "weak Christian blood". And he has a mighty hammer.

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Trollheart

Ah! Welcome back to my domain --- oh no sorry, this is Trollheart's. I'm not used to being out and about you know. Still, does one good to get out of the office once in a while, stretch the hooves, let the scales breathe. Aah! Taste that fresh air. Dis-gusting! Give me brimstone in my nostrils or nothing! Where's my respirator? That's better. Now, where were we? Oh yeah: we've come to the halfway point, and here's where you can expect the art to get really gruesome!

Number
5

Ineed, this is where it starts to get a little stomach-turning. Hey, even the name of the band is nasty --- Vulvectomy. But with a title like “Post abortion slutfuck”, you know this isn't going to be pretty. And it ain't. There are a lot of body parts strewn around --- ah, reminds me of back home! --- but from what I can see this is a woman who has been torn literally in two --- that's the top half of her in the top right corner, impaled on a spike or something --- being, well, fucked by a guy who looks like he has also been torn to shreds --- zombie maybe? Meanwhile, to the left, an aborted fetus that is way too much like a full-grown baby hangs limply from his other hand, the one not impaling the woman's head. Hey, at least they only had to use three colours here: black, white and red. Must have saved on the printing costs!

And number
4
comes from my old pals Slayer. Ah, memories of those days I posed for the covers of their first albums. What? Well who the Hell (pun intended) did you think it was on the cover of “Hell awaits” and “Show no mercy”? Mary Tyler Fucking Moore? Yeah but this one I really like, and again it's pretty obvious why. Look! He ain't got no arms or legs! What's his name? Come on now, all together --- BOB! Oh sometimes I slay (wink) myself! I really ought to be on the stage!


So now, prepare yourself! These are the top three album covers most likely to piss God off, and you can bet they'll be eeeee-vil! At number
3
may I introduce those charming Cannibal Corpse fellows, with this masterpiece of the macabre...

Oh it just radiates bad taste, doesn't it? Although those skinny chappies don't seem to think so. Anorexic? Nonsense! A good feed will soon beef them up! Look it could be worse: they could be eating at McDonald's. Ugh! Now there's Hell on Earth! Always gives me heartburn. This is from the Corpseys' second album, the delightfully-titled “Butchered at birth” ---- Oh Trollheart! Is that you getting sick in the corner? I warned you to leave! Yes yes, sorry about that. Just wait outside, would you, till I'm finished? Believe me, it gets worse. BWA HA HA HA! ---- Anyway, as I was saying (why did he stay? He has no stomach for this sort of thing. I don't know, these hyper sensitive ones .... always trouble) the art on the album is bad (read, good) enough to earn a Parental Advisory sticker, but the title was also deemed unfit for impressionable eyes, leading to the sticker being placed over it. I ask you!

There might be some dissension about this one, but I never said, remember, that they'd all be gory bloodfests. I am choosing the album covers that would annoy himself the most, and this one certainly would, at number
2

I think I look rather well on the cover of this Behemoth album, without sounding cocky! Of course, I've been on so many album covers, but this one just grabs me for some reason. I thought about Maiden but you know, I don't like the way that Eddie is making a puppet out of me, even if I'm making a puppet out of a smaller him. The cheek of that Derek Riggs guy! And the fact that I look so cool and evil and in control is I think something that ol' God would really burst a blood vessel shouting at. He'd rather think of me as impotent, small, minor and a nuisance at best, when we all know I'd kick his ass in a real fight. Angels? I'd tear 'em in half and use them to beat him over the --- what? Why didn't I do that in the first place? Why did I take The Fall? Um, well, you see, it was this bad back, plays up at the worst ... actually, it's giving me twinges now. Better just finish this thing up, no time to answer awkward questions. Hey! I'm not on trial here!

And so we come to my number one album cover that would piss God off. And here it is.
1

Oh the very idea! One day, I'll put this into practice, just you wait and ... what? No my back will NOT stop me from ... look, just leave me alone okay? Ahem. This is a 2012 album from the charmingly named Torn The Fuck Apart and the album is called, wait for it (what do you mean, you can read? Look, no need to be smart! I'm trying to build a sense of awe, of majesty, of horror ... oh have it your own way!) “The Dissection of Christ”! And just LOOK at the bad day he's having. Oh I tell you, God was NOT pleased with this album cover. Not that TTFA cared of course: I'm sure it was designed to insult and outrage as many people as possible, and send the faithful into paroxysms of fury. “Burn this album!” I'm sure they shouted as they crowded the streets, seeking ... no? Nothing? Nobody protested? Not even an irate letter to the label? Man, you people are NOT the same ones who stormed castles and burned witches! What has HAPPENED to you all?

Anyway, that's my list and I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks to Trollheart --- yeah, just keep breathing into that bag, son, you'll be okay --- for having me and I hope to be called upon again when next he invokes the mighty name of Metal Month. Thanks also to Chad, who of course taught me everything I know, praised be his name. Now I must return to --- what? YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME! Someone is SUMMONING me on my day off? “Oh mighty Satan...”? Oh they're about to find out just how mighty I am, and how little I like to be called when I'm off the clock!

I'll rend them! I'll crucify them! I'll --- OW MY BACKKKKK!!!!

Anyone got any Bengay?

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Trollheart: Signature-free since April 2018

Trollheart

I know that you have forgotten more about Slayer than I will ever want to know, but I have to disagree with you. They're writing from the viewpoint of the terrorists and this was an attempt to piss people off by doing so. Tom even said he expected an American backlash, which never came. They hated it in India, though!

Obviously I can't speak for you Americans, but it seems like 9/11 is still very raw for people at this point. After all, let's not forget the ones who lost loved ones. And every year they have a commemoration don't they? Maybe yiz have moved on, but four years after the event, I think it still resonated with a lot of people.

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The Batlord

Slayer would never side with a religious faction. Kerry King is far too outspoken for that. Besides, they've never been a band to do that kind of controversy. For the most part, they sing about Satan or anti-religious themes and the occasional social issue. That's pretty much it. It would be an anomaly for them to do that, whereas they attack organized religion almost constantly. You're ascribing a much more militant political agenda than they've ever shown. That last spoken word bit where they're talking about "striking above the neck and at all extremities" of the "non-believers" seems to be pretty clearly fear-mongering against extremist Islam. I honestly don't even know where you're getting the idea that they're attacking America. They never actually list any grievances that Slayer might have. It's just a description of how they view a Jihadi's mindset.

You have to remember that America has over three hundred million people all spread out over a country the size of a small continent. The vast majority of us have no connection to New York City, the Twin Towers, or the people who died there. It's hard to sustain that kind of anger when you're not actually being directly affected by it.

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Isbjørn

Just saw your... eh... Satan's album cover entries. Popping in to say that I have that Black Sabbath artwork on a t-shirt. The album itself is pretty neat too, underrated. Carry on.

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