Trollheart

Amen, brother. And what's with the fucking twiddly keyboard/game noises? That's just wank to the nth degree! Ugh!

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The Batlord

Like I said. Novelty. It makes it amusingly kitschy for the power metal tourists.

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Isbjørn

Their lyrics are also hilariously dull, cliched and repetitive. Only Dragonforce can release a serious song titled "Power of the Ninja Sword".

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Trollheart

Members' Top Ten Lists
One more of your top ten lists to go. Have we saved the best till last? Well, let's see as we explore the top ten provided by

and starting off, as we always do, at number
10

Filosofem --- Burzum --- 1996
A man whose political views, and his propensity for putting those views into action, landed him in prison on a murder charge, I've never heard anything by Varg Vikernes, but this is apparently the last album he recorded before being sentenced to 21 years in prison for the murder of Mayhem's Euryonmous. It's said to be Black Metal with tinges of ambient and minimalism, so at least it should be interesting. It's also only got six tracks, but then again, one of them is --- wait for it --- twenty-five minutes long! --- so essentially it comes out with a running time about as long as, or longer than, many full albums.

As it opens I'd consider this far more doom metal than black, but what do I know? Well, what I do know is that this is nowhere close to as bad as I feared it would be. Sure, the scratchy, screeching vocal is annoying, but ol' Varg doesn't stick to that all the time, and when he reverts to a “normal” voice he's quite listenable. The music, on the other hand, is pretty damn sweet. It's energentic and hypnotic at once, and catchy as all hell. I'm three tracks in and amazed to say I really love this so far, even given the often hard-on-the-ear vocals. Hey, the guy may be a murderer, a bigot, a racist, an antisemite and a dick, but he can certainly compose and play music!

The third track bores me a little but I love the gentle, minimalistic ambience of the first, what, five? No, ten --- no, fifteen minutes (is it all going to be like this? Twenty minutes now) of this twenty-five minute behemoth. Yeah, that's how it is all the way through. What a masterpiece. Right down my particular boulevard! Man I really enjoyed that. It was totally unexpected and very welcome. The closing track is nearly as good. Hell, I just became a Burzum fan! How the hell did that happen???

And so, suitably shaken but not quite stirred, we move on to Mondo's number
9

Mental funeral --- Autopsy --- 1991

Yeah, this looks like fun. I may have prejudged Burzum --- wrongly --- but I feel this is gonna be like having teeth pulled without anaestetic. By a chimp. Wearing a welding helmet. And boxing gloves. In the dark. On a boat on a storm-tossed sea. Ah FUCK! FIFTEEN tracks?? Thanks Mondo! Well to be honest, with titles like “I shit on your grave” and “shit eater” on other albums of theirs, and looking down the tracklist of this one, maybe I've been spared the worst. Also, Wiki says 12 tracks so I'm gonna assume the Spotify version has extra ones which I'll ignore like the girl I am. Twelve is going to be more than enough, going from what I hear here. (Hear, hear!)

Delightful! Another dark growly singer like yer man from Morbid Angel. Guitar work is good though, and it's not all superfast, in fact some of it is almost doom metal slow, like “In the grip of winter” and “Robbing the grave” --- very slowly, it would seem. Oh, I notice a couple of tracks are less than a minute long. Praise be for small mercies! Well again I have to say these guys know how to play, and again at least it's not grindcore. But definitely not my thing. Moving on...

At number
8
we find

Seven chalices --- Teitanblood --- 2009

Which I'll be covering in “The International Language of Metal”, so I'm skipping it, taking us to his number
7

Bath --- Maudlin of the Well --- 2001

This gives me hope, as I see tags such as “progressive”, “avant-garde” and “dark symphonic”. Could be something more in my line, could be a cruel joke. Hmm. Soft gentle opening, keyboards, piano, reverb guitar ... looking good so far. Now as long as nobody comes in kicking and screaming and howling and ruins the atmos I'll be fine. Ooh! Sax! And not wild, uncontrolled, unprotected sax! Nice low-key, soft, lazy, smoky sax, the kind I like. This is just great so far, though at the moment I'd be struggling to call this metal.

Okay, well now I can. And there's the voice I had hoped not to hear. Ruined everything. Like a different band entirely. Sigh. Oh and now some jazzy horns are getting in on the act. Just gets worse for me, doesn't it? Third track is totally different, and knocks me further sideways. If I were listening to this blind I would think two different bands were playing. “The Ferryman” starts off great, on some very proggy organ, then kind of stops for about a minute before coming back in on softer organ, some nice guitar and as yet no vocals ---- oh there they are. And they're dark and growly. Why did I not expect this?

Oh but now there's a soft female vocal too. Look, this album is giving me a headache. Too much variety, and not in a good way like with Sigh. I've just settled down when I'm kicked out of my chair, then someone picks me up and rearranges my cushions, hands me the remote before turning the whole thing over again! I'm knackered! And we're not even halfway through! Generally I think this album swings between making sweet love to me and then unaccountably and suddenly becoming a homicidal raving bitch. It''s unsettling, y'know? But I think I love it more than I hate it.

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Trollheart

Following on from their last album and having by now built u a massive following, Slayer decided it was time to pay tribute to the bands who had influenced them, and though this was originally intended to focus on their Heavy Metal idols such as Judas Priest, UFO and Iron Maiden (along with other, perhaps less expected influences such as The Doors), that idea was shelved and they decided instead to go with Punk Rock songs, covering such bands as The Stooges, Minor Threat and Verbal Abuse, as well as Dave Lombardo's previous band, Pap Smear. As a result, the songs are all very short, the only one over four minutes being the closer, which is an original Slayer song. Most of the others hit around the two to three minute mark, with a few struggling to last over one minute! As my dislike for Punk is well known, this could be the biggest test of my mettle as I wade through Slayer's catalogue, but I hope I'm up to it!


Undisputed attitude --- Slayer --- 1996 (American)

As I say, I know virtually nothing of the world of Punk, so I can't tell you if Slayer did a good job on the covers or not, but be that as it may, we get going with the first of three from Verbal Abuse, two of which follow hard on the heels of each other. “Disintegration/Free money” opens with a suitably discordant guitar and a scream from Tom, then as you would expect the song pounds along at near-ridiculous speed, and after one minute there's a little bass run from Tom which I assume marks the border between “Disintegration” and “Free money”, though I don't personally see any difference between the two. “Verbal abuse/Leeches” is next up, and again it's so fast I can't really listen to it or say anything about it, other than it's fast, angry and frenetic. And over quickly, piling from the first to the last with a good guitar riff before the speed somehow increases for “Leeches”. Um.

TSOL are the next to be paid homage, and no I don't know who they are, but the song(s) Slayer choose to cover, “Abolish government/Superficial love” is (are?) at least more listenable than the first two (or four, if you count each as two. Is this normal in punk? Are the songs so short that they have to group two together? Seems to happen a lot of the time. If you know, please enlighten me. On second thoughts, don't bother.) Again a nice bass bit from Araya and the guitar is loud and angry but well played. Two tracks from Pap Smear kick the speed back to to unbelievable again as “Can't stand you” is, well, just indecipherable for the first part, then gets a little more recognisable for the last thirty seconds with some fine axework from the boys, though it speeds up into a blur again at the end and takes us into the shortest track, one minute one second of “DDAMM” which apparently stands for “Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers” and which to me is just a mess, the second and thankfully last of the Pap Smear songs.

If any of these songs have a redeeming quality, for me it's that they're so short. Minor Threat's “Guilty of being white” laid Slayer open to accusations of being White Supremacists --- why, I don't know: they didn't write it! But it's not too bad and of the songs on this album so far it's about the best I've heard. Then we have the final Verbal Abuse song, “I hate you”, which actually is not at all bad. At least it runs at a human speed level and the guitar riff on it is pretty cool. I can also make out Tom's vocals, which is always good and helps towards the appreciation of any song. Great solo from Kerry too, the first I've really been able to pin down. But all too soon it's over and we're getting the second cover of a Minor Threat song.

I have to say, compared to “Guilty of being white” this is awful. Played again at hyperspeed and with screamed vocals, “Filler/I don't want to hear it” has at least a scorching solo in it, but at over two minutes it's actually too long, which is not something I thought I'd say about these songs. The first of two from DI doesn't help my aching head as Slayer blast their way through “Spiritual law”, whcih I'm worried to see runs for three whole minutes! At least it settles down a little in the middle, kind of gets a little doom metalish, but of course that doesn't last and it heads for the exit as fast as it came in. “Mr. Freeze” by Dr. Know is next, and compared to the speed of most of the tracks here it's positively laidback! Great riffs and thunderous drumming, with a vocal which again I can hear and make out.

Speeds up near the end of course and takes us into DRI's “Violent pacification”, which typifies everything I hate about Punk, with my admittedly very limited knowledge of the subgenre. Just sounds like noise and someone shouting with pretty much just the title as the only lyric. Well, I hear other words now, and the rhythm has settled a little, but we're halfway though the song now. Nice teamup between the rhythm section, then it all speeds right up again with Araya crowing the title in increasing fervour and speed till the song burns itself out at the end on the back of Kerry and Jeff's manic guitar work. The second DI song is “Richard hung himself”, the longest of the covers, and to be fair it's pretty good. Doesn't speed along like a hurtling comet, has good guitar and I can make out the vocal, which has more than just the title in it. Not bad at all.

That leaves just two tracks to go, one cover and the final one, which is Slayer's own song. For their last tribute they choose The Stooge's “I'm gonna be your god (I wanna be your dog)” and to be fair I can see how these guys had such an influence on metal bands, as this is really more metal than punk to me. Rocks along nicely without breaking the speed limit, decipherable vocals and a great, mesmeric guitar riff. Another one I don't hate. Leaving us with the closer, Slayer's own “Gemini”, which is easily the longest track at almost five minutes. After the frenetic pace of the last thirteen tracks, it's a relief to hear the guys slow everything down in a real doom metal groove that just stomps along with snarly guitar and hollow-sounding drums, a laconic, dark vocal from Tom and some fine backing vocals. I'd like to hear Slayer do more stuff like this, but somehow I don't think I'll get my wish. Still, it's a good and powerful ending to a pretty terrible album.

TRACKLISTING

1. Disintegration/Free money
2. Verbal abuse/Leeches
3. Abolish government/Superficial love
4. Can't stand you
5. Guilty of being white
6. DDAMM
7. I hate you
8. Filler/Don't want to hear it
9. Spiritual law
10. Mr. Freeze
11. Violent pacification
12. Richard hung himself
13. I'm gonna be your god (I wanna be your dog)
14. Gemini

Obviously, before someone gets up in arms, my comments have to be taken in the context of the fact that I don't like Punk. If this were an album of covers of hip-hop songs, or jazz songs (can you imagine?) I would probably hate it too. I'm sure Slayer did a great job on all the songs here, but this sort of music is not my cup of tea and so I guess in most ways I'm badly placed to be reviewing it, but this is one of Slayer's albums and I promised I would try to cover all their recorded studio output if I could, so didn't want to leave this out, even though my blood froze when I realised what it was.

But yeah, so far as I'm concerned, easily and far away the worst Slayer album I've listened to so far and the hardest thing I've had to get through since I suffered through Slipknot's “Iowa” last year.

(Note: this review was written before I was dragged through the living hell inhabited by Cryptopsy and their grindcore buddies, especially the Japanese ones...)

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Janszoon

The fact that it was being sung by a mestizo Chilean guy also makes that accusation pretty humorous.

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A Night in the Life of the Invisible Man

Time & Place

25 Albums You Should Hear Before the Moon Crashes into the Earth and We All Die

last.fm

Trollheart

At the heart of winter --- Immortal --- 1999 (Osmose)

Reviewed by guest reviewer

Buzz Killington

(For those of you not familiar with him, or Family Guy, here he is in action)

That's right. I'm sure he'll be right at home with this. Well, time for me to take a well-deserved break. I'll leave you in Buzz's capable hands. Buzz?

Thank you Trollheart. You know, when I heard Trollheart was running Metal Month II I said to myself (for I often talk to myself; 'tis the only way to get intelligent conversation! Oh ho ho but no, I jest, I jest!) I said, Buzz, (for 'tis my name), Buzz, you should get involved in that. After all, I was a metallurgist for nigh on forty years, and my father before me, and his father before him, and so on. You get the picture, I trust? Ah yes: be it nickel, gold, silver or iron, there's few metals I haven't dealed with, sold, mined or examined. This should be fun!

Immortal. Why that sounds like a fine name for a troupe of musicians. I think I can confidently predict that we will be hearing songs of a devotional nature --- hymns, psalms, choral voices --- oh dear! I do hope there aren't too many male sopranos in this band! I do so hate male sopranos. Wretched things. Still, none of these chappies in the picture that comes with this recording look like they would sing that high. In fact, they look a little rough for a choir. Hmm. All that long hair and leather. Now why would...?

Ah yes! Of course! They must be acting out a play --- a ballet perhaps, or an opera. Oh my stars I do hope it's an opera! There's nothing I like better than a good nine-hour opera, preferably in Italian or German. Bliss! Perhaps this concerns the fate of those dread cities Sodom and Gomorrah? Yes, yes: that would explain the outlandish garb these fellows are wearing, and the scowls on their faces. First rate. I'm sure this will be most enjoyable.

Now, let me see. One apparently inserts the strange disc into this slot --- oh look at that! It's going in as if there were a small man inside pulling it in! Is there a small man? A question, perhaps, for another time. But now some lamps are lighting up on the side of this contraption and I believe the “com-pact disc”, as they call it, is ready. All I need do is press this button marked “play” and the music should issue forth, soothing my weary soul. While we wait for that to happen, let us investigate exactly what it is that we are about to listen to. Hmm. The note with this recording says it is something called “black metal”. Hmm. Well that's obviously poppycock. I can see with my own eyes that this strange flimsy disc – which hardly looks likely to be able to hold one music-hall ditty, let alone six, as I see printed here it says there are --- is clearly silver, not black! What an oversight. Must be a typographical error. Which reminds me, I know quite the humourous story about a typesetter and three ducks in old Saxony... ah but no time, for lest my ears deceive me the music is start ---

Oh no wait. That can't be right. I must have done something wrong, do forgive me. It sounds as if the machinery is trying to eat the disc. Let me just see if I can stop it --- ah yes! Peace ensues. Now, if I can just get the disc thingy back out ... hmmm. Not as easy as it looks, you know. That slot into which said disc disappeared but moments ago is very narrow, and I cannot get my fingers inside. Perhaps if I seek a utensil from the kitchen? Ah, capital idea, Buzz! Capital! Excuse me just one moment.

(While we wait for Buzz to return, here is some music...)


Now then, let's see. This fork should have that thing out in a jiffy .... confound and blast it! How is one supposed to extract the thrice-damned thing? Think, Buzz, think. Perhaps one of these buttons ... Oh dear me no! That just started the whole cacophonous mess off again. I do hope the recording is not damaged. Wait a moment! This one is labelled REJECT. Perhaps I can ... huzzah! Success! Here comes our disc, and it seems not to be damaged one whit. Capital! Now, let me re-insert it and push “play” again and ... oh heavens! That same horrid noise! What is wrong with the blessed contraption?

Just one moment! Was that a voice I heard? Can it be ... is it possible ... can this be the actual recording? This does not sound very pastoral to me at all! You know, I really believe that IS the singer. And he's quite an angry chap, isn't he? I wonder if his butler forgot to lay out his favourite slippers this morning? I know that certainly makes me angry. I've been known to use all sorts of foul language: blast, damn, even ... bloody! Yes I know, but it really annoys me when that happens. I just lose all control.

I think this boy needs a good throat lozenge; he sounds positively hoarse. And the chap on the guitar: bless him, he is trying but he sounds like he only recently purchased the instrument and has not yet learned to play it quite how it should be played. Do-re-mi, young fella me lad! It all stems from that. Perhaps you should have attempted a nice polka or minuet before trying this advanced stuff? Mind you, I'm not one to criticise, but the chap on the drums doesn't seem much better. Oh dear. Perhaps they were short on money and could only afford cheap equipment. They should have asked me to help out: I still have my spoons up in my study. You never lose the knack, you know!

Well now let's see. According to these ... what do they call them in the business? “Liner notes”. Yes that's them --- according to them, this first song is called “Withstand the fall of time”. Well, if my hat withstands this without collapsing I'll be quite a surprised man. It really is very loud, is it not? How can one play such music without disturbing the neighbours and making a scene? Surely the constable would have to be called? My seat on the board of governors at the city university would be most in jeopardy, were I to listen to this sort of caterwauling. Oh dear me, yes. What have we next?

“Solarfall”. Well that's just silly, isn't it? The sun is way up there in the sky. It can't fall. God wouldn't allow it. Probably break into a million fragments. Tut. You would imagine these chappies would at least write about things that could happen. Ah, that reminds me of a rather interesting story about a bridge... no wait, where are you going? Ah yes, but it's a suspension bridge in my story. Thought that would make a diff --- you're still leaving? Oh I see! It's this terrible music that causes your sudden and most expeditious departure. Well I can't say that I blame you. This is certainly not what I studied for ten years for! Have yet to even hear about zinc, copper or even tin! Black metal, indeed!

Ah yes. Here finally is some nice soft guitar and a rather nice atmopsheric ... oh dear. Seems the singer fellow is all upset again. Why I bet that lazy chambermaid of his hasn't cleaned the hearth out and set a nice roaring fire in the grate. Grounds for dismissal, my dear fellow, believe me. Give these wogs an inch and they'll take a mile. Deal with it at the root: plenty more slaves – I mean, servants --- out there, desperate for work at below minimum wage. That's it: he seems happier now. Delighted to be of service, old chap! We men must stick together, what? Next thing you know, they'll be looking for the vote! No, no but I jest: of course such a thing would be ludicrous in the extreme.

Well these boys certainly have energy, I'll grant them that. They must eat a hearty breakfast every morning. Cornerstone of the day, breakfast. Nice bowl of hot porridge, some orange juce, grapefruit. Breakfast of champions. I find I rather like the guitar interlude in the midst of “Tragedies blows at horizon” --- surely that's bad grammar, boys? Tsk tsk! Didn't you learn anything at Harrow? Pleasant in a sort of homicidal way I suppose. I'm told that guitar near the end is reminiscent of Pink Floyd. Not that I would know. I have never even seen a floyd, let alone a pink one. Oh dear! That boy will do some serious damage to his throat if he does not stop growling like an animal. What's his name? Let's see: Abbath Doom Occultas. What an odd name.

I believe I'll just call him Abby. Ah yes. I knew a wonderful woman called Abby once, back in my youth. Borrowed a hundred pounds from me. Still waiting for her to return it, but I know she will. It's only been twenty years. Silly women! Forget their pretty heads if they weren't stuck on their pretty necks. Ah, me. More nice guitar to open, um, let me just get my glasses, light fading you know ... um ... oh my! “At the heart of winter.” That, I believe, is also what this disc is called. Ah yes. I believe this is what they call in the parlance a “title track”. Oh my. I feel like one of those dick jockey fellows. What's that? It's disc jockey? Dick jockey is something quite different? I see.

Anyway, this is nice and I believe “ambient” is the term that is used. Ah but then the poor lads get all annoyed and angry again. One would wonder what it is that raises their ire so? Perhaps they have not heard any good stories about ... oh very well. No more stories about bridges. I promise. What about looking at some nice etchings, eh? My word! You are hard to please, are you not? Well this is quite loud and aggressive is it not? I think I may have to pour myself a fortified wine to relax me...

(Buzz does not see an unidentified hand drop a tab of acid into his drink. Five minutes later...)

OHH FUCK YEAH! HEAVY METAL! BLACK METAL! FUCK ME! YEAH YEAH YEAH! THIS IS THE SHIT! YOU WANT SOME? YOU WANT SOME YOU FUCKER? WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT? YOU WANT MY HAT? YOU WANT MY FUCKIN' HAT YOU COCKSUCKER? COME TRY AND TAKE IT THEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT! YOU CUNT! YOU MOTHERLESS FUCK! YEAH YOU BETTER FUCKIN RUN! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FUCKIN' EIGHT YEARS OLD! I'LL KICK YOUR ASS! GET THE FUCKOUTTA HERE! HEAVY METAL! BLACK METAL! PRAISE SATAN! HEADBANG! HEADBANG! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKYEAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Some time later, Buzz awakes in a hospital bed with no memory of his attempted attack on the eight-year old niece of his boss, and facing some pretty serious criminal charges, not least of which is the possession of a Class A drug. It may be some time before we hear from him again. If we're lucky.)

Trollheart says: I quite enjoyed this album. For a Black Metal record there was a lot of melody, some great ideas and the vocal, though harsh, didn't grate upon me that much at all. The playing was pretty much first rate all the way through, and even verged on the introspective at times. I'll probably have a listen to some more of their albums at some point.

Now, what ward did they say Buzz was in? What? No visitors? Declared dangerous and unstable? Just sits there starting into space with a mug of cocoa in his hand? Hmm. Perhaps I'll just send flowers. And a picture of a bridge, of course.

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Mondo Bungle

Damn, I was hoping you'd like motW more.

And you must not have seen my revised list, it replaces Mental Funeral with Bloody Kisses by Type O Negative (you would have liked that one way more I bet, gothic doom metal), and Pwerslave with Piece of Mind.

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Trollheart

Oh. Well don't worry, some surprise reactions coming up! You wanted Neurosis rather than At the Gates didn't you? I haven't got to those yet. Probably listen to them tonight, so just to make sure I listen to the right album.

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Mondo Bungle

Yeah, Neurosis took the spot

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