ThePhanastasio

I thought I'd do this journal in a way that it's kind of like my life soundtrack. Basically, I'll pick a song or a few songs, and write about what's going on, using those songs as the soundtrack for my day / week / etc.

As of April 10, 2011, I will also be expanding this journal, and making it more of something I'd be interested in updating more often. I will still have the strange, dubiously music-related bits that have seemingly become the norm when I go to this journal, but it's also going to have a bit more to it.

Still, it will serve as a musical soundtrack of sorts. There will, however, be more in the way of album reviews, concert reviews, songs worth checking out, playlists, general musical ponderings, and the like. For a more guided and organized journaling experience, I choose not to start over, but improve the quality of posts within the journal itself; the previous entries will, of course, remain for nostalgia's sake, but things are going to work a little bit differently around here, starting now. The types of posts you will find in this journal:

Soundtrack: These posts will be similar to several other posts already contained within the thread. It will consist of the goings-on in my life, and the music which sums it up. It's a little like the "Which song describes how you're currently feeling" thread, but the length of the posts for my journal will be a bit longer and more in depth.

Playlist / Mixes: A bit about playlists and mixes I have made will be the content of these sort of posts. In some ways, this is similar to the above. It serves to remind me of precisely what I was listening to at a given moment in time, and why those songs were selected. Probably most importantly, it displays how the common act of making playlists and mix CDs can be cathartic or serve as the soundtrack for a particular moment in time.

Album Reviews Project: This is a part of the journal to which I'm going to dedicate a lot of time. These may come once a week, once a month, or occasionally, perhaps even a few within a given day. This project is me, with a list of 300 albums I have queued to listen to in a specific order via a randomizer. These albums are in a variety of genres, a variety of eras, and hopefully there's a little something there for everyone. Some are well-known, while others are albums from artists with very few plays on last.fm. For this project, I'm not intending to review these completely in typical album review format - they will probably contain a lot more personal thoughts about the albums and songs themselves.

Check This Song Out!: If I find a cool song, you can bet that it will fall in this category. I'll offer opinions on the song itself, and some background about the artist.

Cool Music Things: Super nifty websites, information and news about bands I've discovered recently, things within the music world which have piqued my interest, and musings about all aspects of music from songwriting to live performance will go here.

Dubiously Musical Rambling: This is for random things I will probably end up posting which are only loosely related to music. Dreams about musicians, and foolishness of that nature will probably round this out.

There will probably be more additions to types of posts within this journal. I also will not be labeling posts with these categories, but this is just an explanation of what you'll find here.

So kick back, enjoy, and crack open a cold PBR. Hopefully you'll enjoy your stay!



Metric - Help I'm Alive (Acoustic)

I'm currently working very hard as a performer in a play in my community. It's "Nightfall With Edgar Allan Poe", written by Eric Coble, and I'm a narrator during "The Raven", as well as playing the role of Sante in "The Pit and the Pendulum".

I've had many roles in theatre previously, including multiple credits for directing, as a playwright, and such. I don't really get nervous anymore, but I know when I'm getting a really intense role. One of those roles that reminds me that there's no way you can coast through an acting performance.

Sante is one of those roles.

I'm playing a male, ultimately, although the idea is that I'm supposed to be playing more of an androgynous / sexless prisoner during the Spanish Inquisition. The material is...intense to say the least. Very physical, very demanding.

Ultimately, I know that I should be completely happy with this, but I'm kind of terrified. I'm so thrilled to have been given the role, particularly as I get to perform for the first time in this gorgeous, historic, 1400 seat art deco designed theatre in my area - something which has been my dream since childhood.

I just don't want to blow it.

Queen Boo

I love this idea. I'm sure you'll do great. You seem to be throwing yourself into this role100% and its rough but it makes the character come alive. Its worth it in the end. I do theatre and I'm insanely jealous of you ATM.
Dear god, that song is gorgeous. The vocals are so vulnerable and glassy....

Gavin B.

I like the title of your journal. Is it an obscure reference to a song or album title or did you make it up yourself?

__________________
There are two types of music: the first type is the blues and the second type is all the other stuff.
Townes Van Zandt

Queen Boo

I've wondered this too. This journal is the top hit on Google......

ThePhanastasio

Semi-David Bowie reference. I was working on a life soundtrack at one point, and couldn't think of a title to sufficiently sum it up. I went to an old standby method, and thought back to album titles I really enjoy, which I can rework and make into a title.

This came from "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars" album title.

ThePhanastasio

This journal has been forgotten for a bit, and I'm bringing it back. I understand that one post didn't really make it much of a "journal" in the first place, but I'm definitely going to try to keep this updated more frequently.

I've gotten in the habit lately of doing something which has proved oddly therapeutic - I make mixes for people which they will never receive. It's like writing the letter you never deliver (that many self-help books swear by!) just to get everything out. It really has been making me feel better.

All but one mix.

This mix is to her. The one who could have been before I got scared and ruined things...then could have been again before I got scared and ruined things again. She's the "what-if" I've never quite been able to let go of, and nothing ever coming of it has been, completely and undeniably, all my fault.

Her undeliverable mix was in the form of a cassette. Side A was entitled: To Someone Who Deserves It, and Side B: ...From Someone Who Doesn't.

It really seemed not to fit the theme of many of the other mixes I'd been making in that it was not embittered towards the person. It is full of things I felt needed to be said, but Side B turned into straight up self-deprecation. Instead of just making the mix as a form of catharsis and putting it aside, I keep listening to it. It points out the flaws in myself I'd like not to look at. My own weak points displayed. It also made it glaringly obvious to me that the only reason I'd never pursued anything is because I didn't feel like I was good enough to do so.

Side A:
1.) Joy Zipper - 1
2.) The Delgados - Keep On Breathing
3.) Ben Kweller - Falling
4.) Bob Dylan - I Want You
5.) Harry and the Potters - Save Ginny Weasley
6.) Julia Nunes - Pen To Paper
7.) Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone
8.) The Brunettes - If You Were Alien
9.) CocoRosie - By Your Side
10.) Loch Awe - Lullaby From a Digital Sea
11.) Rilo Kiley - Hail To Whatever You Found In the Sunlight That Surrounds You
12.) Jenny Owen Youngs - Nighty Night

Side B:
1.) Bright Eyes - Something Vague
2.) Amanda Palmer - Blake Says
3.) Sarah Brightman - Anytime, Anywhere
4.) Regina Spektor - Apres Moi
5.) tape recorder - Carbon Copy
6.) Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek
7.) Ingrid Michaelson - The Chain
8.) Young Hunting - Sonata
9.) Phish - Dirt
10.) Rilo Kiley - Small Figures In a Vast Expanse
11.) Amy Seeley - Catalinas
12.) Jeremy Messersmith - Tomorrow
13.) The Beatles - Blackbird

90 minute cassette.

Just feeling a little depressed lately, I suppose. I'm going to try to destroy this cassette and keep myself from listening to it anymore...after Christmas.

Gavin B.

Very clever themes. Chin up, mate, tis the season for depression, but don't go wallowing in it. We must have very similar musical tastes because I own 20 of your 25 selected songs.

__________________
There are two types of music: the first type is the blues and the second type is all the other stuff.
Townes Van Zandt

ThePhanastasio

I had a dream last night (in the brief period I got off of here to sleep) that I really thought should probably go in my journal as opposed to in the dream thread. For the occasion, I'm going to "illustrate" said dream to give you a better understanding of what was going on.

As an added bonus, I was listening to this when I fell asleep:

Trey Anastasio & Tom Marshall - Trampled By Lambs and Pecked By the Dove


(Which probably explains the characters in the dream, but not the dream itself. Oh no. That is all to do with my crazed imagination.)

The stars of said dream were me:


Trey Anastasio:


And Tom Marshall (Trey's songwriting partner):


In my dream, I was at the Trey concert, and he had just performed a wonderful set with his band, as well as an acoustic set. It was setbreak, and I didn't really care about being close to the stage for the second set as much, so I was going to buy a delicious and refreshing beer.

I looked at the bar, and what to my wondering eyes should appear (not a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer...) but TOM MARSHALL!



He was at the bar going to buy himself a drink, but I took the opportunity to swoop in and offer to buy it for him. I mean, after all, this man had been Trey's friend since middle school, and the lyricist for many many many of Phish's songs.

He graciously accepted, I bought a brew for myself, and he and I went to sit down and chat a bit. We talked about music, movies, and all sorts of things, then Tom got really serious for a minute.

He said he wanted to show me something.

I was like, "Okay, yeah, that'd be cool! What is it?"

And he said that we'd have to go outside, 'cause that's where he'd kept it.

At this point, I motioned to the door, clearly marked: NO RE-ENTRY.



With a wave of his hand, Tom dismissed that. I gestured again to the door, and expressed my concern that I wouldn't see the second set if we left. He informed me that there WAS re-entry because he was Tom fucking Marshall.



I couldn't argue with that.

We went outside, and he led me through a gate around the side where he had a car he'd rented to drive around Columbus while Trey was in town, so he could see the show and not have to ride in the bus.

Tom popped the trunk, and pulled out a guitar. But WAIT.

This motherfucker had a guitar made out of bones.



"Um," I managed, "Are those real bones?"

Tom laughed and smiled. "Yup."

"Whose...bones..."

At this point, Tom started monologuing something fierce. "You know, I think it's a great present. I think Trey's really going to dig it. I'm going to give it to him after the show, you know. As a present. Boy, Trey loves presents..."

I stammered out again, "Whose...."

"Consequently," Tom told me, "There's not going to be a summer Phish tour...or any other Phish tour, actually. But Trey has a bitchin' guitar now."

At this point Trey walked out of the building, smiling.



Then his smile quickly turned to a frown as a single tear trickled down his face.




So. I dreamt Tom Marshall fashioned a bone guitar to give to Trey made out of the bones of the three other members of Phish.

I was very upset.

__________________

• Phish: Studio Discography Reviewed
• 100 Albums I Heartily Recommend
• My last.fm

ThePhanastasio

Today has been a day of deep thought. Introspection and melancholy have been the norm for me for the past few months, but it seems as though both were out in full force today. Perhaps it has a little bit to do with the rain, which has been bearing down, pounding at my roof all day. Who knows? What I've come to realize that I ultimately feel, however, isn't quite melancholy. That's an undertone of the general flavor. There's something like hope fleshing out the overall state of emotions, a hint of near despair, and full notes of complete and utter self-awareness.

I do this. When performing in a play, I get into a character only to realize that maybe I've been hiding from myself for a little while. I manage to pull myself out of my two-dimensional funk and realize that there are more dimensions, more facets of what makes up me (or anyone else for that matter) than I had been allowing myself to be consciously aware of. When it hits, I'm not scared exactly - it just feels as though I've awoken from a deep sleep, from a superficial dream, and I'm completely disoriented.

When this happens, I'm more aware of how I'm feeling. Everything is very detailed, and I can pinpoint tiny nuances in my own emotions, and can allow things which have (regrettably) upon occasion been little more than background noise really affect me.

The song which broke all of this down for me today, as the rain made irregular percussion on the roof above me, was an acoustic version of Trey Anastasio's "Black" from his most recent tour.



In spite of this being an audience recording, and not as sensitive as the soundboard I have from this show, it is the same version of the song from the same performance. Certain lyrics in this song really touched something way down deep.

Try to maintain all that you can
When the story that ends is not so clear
Tried to replay all that was good
When the lullaby, lullaby ends in darkness.

And also:

Time for driftin' - ropes turn to sand
You'll be borne on the winds of the sea.

And the repeated, Just let it slip away felt more relevant than anything I'd heard in months, years...a lifetime.

By the end of the song, I was in tears. It just felt...perfect. Beautiful and sad. My current view of the world is that it is beautiful and sad. Bittersweet.

Today's introspection has also made me wonder if I'm a masochist. I am completely...crushing...which is one of the most hateful and seemingly juvenile things to my mind right now. Crushing. It sounds like something only grade school, middle school kids should be feeling, and yet it's got its hooks deep, deep in me. It has for some time. As per usual, it's destined to come to nothing. The odds of her feeling anything towards me are slim to none.

I've been trying to distance myself from her for...God. Since I've known her. I'll think I'm over it, then as soon as I think, "A-ha! I'm over it. I'm good," I'll run into her again. Or have to work with her in a theatrical capacity.

This last time, I really almost made it. I really did. I was able to spend almost three months without crossing paths with her, and then I was asked to do a show. Once offered the role, I accepted gratefully - being able to work with the most respected director in my area without having to even audition because he's familiar with my work is something I'm not going to pass up on. Read-through came around, and she was in the show. Worse, she was cast as my friend. My co-star. This has resulted in horrible, horrible tension for me. I'm able to believably portray my character, but it aches deep down.

I've been able to be very professional about the whole thing - as has she, but I feel that she's not completely writhing internally, so that's to be expected of her - but I can't...get...over...it.

There was a time - when there was a chance. But, as per usual, I messed up. It's like, I'm constantly set on self-destruct, be it through self-medicating, taking no action to prevent myself from feeling any negative emotion and just allowing it to hit me full force at all times, and letting people who no longer care to have significant importance to me. It doesn't have to be in terms of "romance". It could be anyone. It could be a friend with whom I've had a terrible falling out, an ex, or, in this case, a person I legitimately have been interested in for something like two years, but completely alienated by doing stupid, stupid things. I knew what the repercussions were, but I decided I didn't deserve any better.

As stupid as that sounds, I guess.

I guess the reason I'm saying all of this is because today, I was off in my own little world. Whenever I wasn't doing a scene, I was thinking. Just thinking. Which may be scarier than anything else - I can't hide from myself thinking - where would I go? So, I was acting with an intensity I'd not yet shown in rehearsals prior, (had been working on Texan dialect and memorization) and the director was pleased. I guess the girl noticed something amiss. I glanced up at her, and she looked concerned for me. I turned away. When I was leaving, I avoided talking to her, because she had the look of, "I'm going to speak to you..." on her face. I just kind of smiled and walked to my car.

I suppose maybe I'm just...not at all into allowing people "in" anymore. Even if there was a chance with her. I figure if I keep them completely out, they're not going to have to deal with my crap, and that I'm really doing them an enormous favor.

And this song has just been on repeat for a while. And I love it.

And that is all.

__________________

• Phish: Studio Discography Reviewed
• 100 Albums I Heartily Recommend
• My last.fm

ThePhanastasio

I have no idea where on MB this song was initially posted, or who was the actual poster, but thank you so much! I saw it somewhere on the forums, and downloaded the first Black Box Recorder album immediately...and then two more of their albums. This song is indie pop at its catchiest, and its most intelligent.

I will say...I will posting a full review of this album ASAP. Until then, check out this song, which I give a perfect 10 at this moment in time, and if you'd like the album and can't find it...I may be able to help you out.

__________________

• Phish: Studio Discography Reviewed
• 100 Albums I Heartily Recommend
• My last.fm