The Classics of Literature Rewritten by OccultHawk
 

Given OH's dismissal of my writing, and his already avowed distaste for the kind of exposition favoured by the likes of Dickens and Hugo (I think the actual quote was "Stop ****ing around and just tell me the story, ****!" or something typically Hawkish) I thought it might be fun to explore how he would have written some of the classics of literature, leaving out all what he would consider "the boring ****" and distilling each novel down to its barest essence.

OLIVER TWIST (CHARLES DICKENS)
An orphan boy finds he's fallen in with some bad guys, but he has rich parents so he's all right in the end.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN WONDERLAND (LEWIS CARROLL)
Some dumb blonde thinks she's having adventures underground but it turns out she's just been dreaming, stupid bitch.

ALICE'S ADVENTURES THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS (LEWIS CARROLL)
Same ****, except instead of falling down a rabbit hole she goes through a mirror.

PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (JANE AUSTEN)
Some bird isn't attracted to some bloke, then she is and they get married.

NINETEEN EIGHTY-FOUR (GEORGE ORWELL)
Some guy tries to stand up to the system. The system kicks the **** out of him.

THE WAR OF THE WORLDS (H.G WELLS)
Guy goes forward in time but ****s things up and gets stuck there.

A CHRISTMAS CAROL (CHARLES DICKENS)
An old guy is real mean, but then three ghosts pay him a visit and he becomes good.

Feel free to add your own.

This thread is best paired with coq au vin to balance out the bitter notes.

So OccultHawk doesn't like purple prose or long descriptions of environments and characters, or what's this about?

**** you all.
I lol'd. A little.
Go Troll!
Hope this takes off.

Exactly. He complains about Dickens waffling too much, so I thought I'd envision how he would have handled such literature classics. IDGAF, it's all a bit of fun. He can dish it out so I'm sure he can take it.

#RubberSoul2018Never4Get
;)

You’re a quick study. That’s easily the best **** you ever came up with.

I need a breather before I try to retort. You just pulled off seven genuinely funny jokes in a row. Every one of those rewrites is a bullseye.

OK I got one

Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)

A woman realized life sucks so she killed herself.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS (JRR TOLKIEN)

Some little guy has to destroy this ring cos an old peado told him to. He drops it into a volcano.

WAR AND PEACE (LEO TOLSTOY)

First there was war, then there was peace.

A TALE OF TWO CITIES (CHARLES DICKENS)

They're London and Paris.

ROBINSON CRUSOE (DANIEL DEFOE)

A man gets shipwrecked on an island, but ensures good old racism survives.

THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK (ALEXANDER DUMAS)

A man gets locked into a tower and has to wear an iron mask. He doesn't get back out and he dies.

Ulysses (James Joyce)

A lot of **** happens in the course of a single day.

Naked Lunch (William S. Burroughs)

The two boys were laughing and stroking each others pricks, droppers with clotted blood stuck in their arms, as hordes of black centipedes crawled inside their *******s.

The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)

A family of losers couldn’t find work.

Hamlet

A kid causes a bunch of drama because he's mad that his uncle jumped in before his mom's pussy dried out.

Moby Dick (Herman Melville)

A sea captain and a big-ass whale clash. Ahab learns that size DOES ****ing matter!

Jurassic Park

Raaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!

lol

or

A crippled retard gets killed by a fish.

In Search of Lost Time (Marcel Proust)

A person thought about things.

About a Boy

Do I have to?

The Stranger (Albert Camus)

A filthy Muslim gets what he deserves.

The Diary of Anne Frank

A little uppity Jew bitch gets exterminated before she can breed.

The Autobiography of Malcolm X (Alex Haley)

A typical black criminal converts to Islam so they kill him.

The Diary of Anne Frank

Shhh.

Oh ****.

That’s good, too.

Roots (Alex Haley)

A black scholar travels to Ghana and then lies about researching his lineage. Typical.

Mein Kampf (Adolf Hitler)

I hate Jews. Jews are to blame for everything. **** Jews.

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Mark Twain)

An illiterate piece of white trash is so severely mistreated by his alcoholic father that he thinks it’s ok to be nice to black people.

or...

A man wrote a rambling book about hating Jews and then became the greatest Jew killer of all time. You really can grow up to be president.

Could also have been called The Secret of My Success.
Also...
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon....1M6NC0K0sL.jpg
Someone really needs to photoshop a swastika onto that cover.

There we go.
http://www.trollheart.com/trumpbooknazi.jpg

why?

I mean he really is a fascist megalomaniac at heart. Just a really dumb fascist.

Uncle Tom’s Cabin (Harriet Beecher Stowe)

A strong black slave gives his cotton pickins to older weaker slaves at great peril to himself but instead of respecting him they made his name synonymous with being a sell-out. It’s probably due to illiteracy in the African-American community.

how?

The Divine Comedy (Dante)

Two thousand pages and nothing funny about it. The joke’s on you, bitch.

War and Peace, by Leo Tolstoy
Napoleon was a poseur, Russian aristocrats were a bunch of Francophile idiots.

He is literally Hitler.

Really? You don't see how he's an authoritarian who would totally make dissenters disappear in the middle of the night if he had the power? Sometimes I forget that you're a right wing dunce.

Five Go (Whatever, they're all the same) (Enid Blyton)

Four privileged white middle-class kids and one dog go on adventures and outsmart smugglers and criminals, back in time for tea, cos this is post-war England, bitch!

Oh, terribly sorry: did I offend you, old chap? Do excuse me.

Nah, more like...

The Divine Comedy

It's worth going through hell and purgatory if there's some pussy waiting for you at the end.

The Da Vinci Code

**** this boring bull****.