Comus

Hokai, so I have to start this by saying that FFIX is probably my favourite in the Series behind VIII, but somewhere down the line I do have a massive love for FFVII. So naturally when I found out it was availble for download on the Playstation network, the first thing I did, after getting a new pair of pants was to get it.


And after about 2 hours of waiting for it to download I thought: "You know what would be a swell idea? To post my experiences of rediscovering the game here! People love original content and witty commentary." So I picked up my camera, zoomed in (badly) on the television and started to chronicle my journey.

Step One: Buy the fucker this was done while I was still changing my pants so I still hadn't thought of chronicaling it yet.

Step Two: Download the fucker. 1326 Megabytes? Duuude I only get like 250kb/s download with the wireless.


So two and a half hours (or something like that later) I was ready to play the game. But naturally.

Step Three: Installing the fucker already beggining to wish I was dead I was driven further to the brink by this screen:



What the **** could possibly be less complicated? The little gnome in the PS3 should surely be able to insert disc one. Anyways 5 minutes later I was ready to play!

After watching the little intro cinematic (you all know it) I was prompted to give my name. Ignorant of any possible Shinra identity theft possibilities I complied.



What did you think I was going to call him? Cloud? Don't be stupid.

Naturally since I named him Comus one would expect him to have my wit and charm.



...thank god.

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Comus

So here I am, stuck in the start of the game, going towards god knows what fate (I actually remember the game quite well but that would totally ruin the mood) I am prompted to name the next main character in the game. Now he's big, bossy and had a gun for an arm. Hrm, one can only assume he like science and telling people what to do in an instructional manner. My next move was obvious.



Now I don't know if he'll mimick Tore very well...




Oh, nevermind.

Anyways. I venture further down into the reactor, until I set shinra up the bomb. At this point me and tore masterfully finished off the pathetic little boss that pretends to be a minor nuisance. We now have ten minutes to get us the hell out of there.



Sorry, 9 minutes 22 seconds. A note to Shinra employees: Stop attacking me and tore, it's tedius. Anyways I climb back out of the reactor, saving Jesse on the way, and with about 6 minutes to spare I make it out. Only to find out there was clearly something wrong with the timer. The fucker blew up the moment I got out of there! Here I was strolling away thinking I had loads of time and I WAS WRONG.

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Comus

So, now we've blown up a massive reactor. What's the next logical step? Split up, and without being given any directions make our way to the train station. Given the fact that there's only one route to the train station I don't... Oh hello.

A "flower girl has approached me" asking if I "want to buy flowers". Hot. She's clearly using euphemisms to avoid prostitution charges since...



She carries a basket of them around to keep up the facade, clearly.



I see, she's making her pitch. There's nothing better than some hot loving after blowing a reactor, if you catch my drift. My course of action was clear.



She hands me a flower, makes sense, need to keep up Appearances. But wait, what's this. SHE'S BUGGERING OFF? What the hell.

Where the fuck is my sex? What kind of fucked up game is this? You "buy her flower" and she just gives you a flower and buggers off? What a rip. Anyways, maybe she ran away because she saw the shinra troops that were running towards me to corner me on a bridge. I'm sure I'll get what I paid for later. Anyways after selectively fighting said Shinra troops I decide to jump onto the train below.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

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dac

You nostalgia, you lose haha...

Oh man it has been ages since I've played 7. 10 would be my favorite, simply for having the best story in any video game ever.

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Comus

I'm just that cool.

After making such a stylish entrance I'm glad someone acknowledges my skills.



Clearly referring to how I handled that prostitute. I must say I kept my head pretty cool even after she left with my money. 1 whole gil for a fucking flower. Still needing to blow my load we decided to move down through the train, where tore went on another of his long rants.



Etc etc etc. I get it, you hate pollution, well done. So we get off the train and head towards the hideout. And this is where the story ends for now.

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LoathsomePete

I hope you plan on doing this for the entire game. I wanted to get back into it but I just can't get around the turn-based combat, just not my style, this way I can see the story progress in a manner that I'm sure is far more entertaining then the serious story.

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101 Albums That May Not Change Your Life, But I Really Like And You Might Too

Comus

But before heading to the hideout, I decided to show this random guy my penis.



Yes ladies, yes it is.

Outside of the "hideout" which is actually a bar (how original) Tore decides to drop a hilariously nonsensical bombshell.



What?



I really don't, if your reffering to Marlene, she's your little baby. And if you're talking about my childhood friend, she's certainly not little and is far more babe than baby.



Yeah, say something to me despite having no real relation or reason to. I'm just that fucking awesome. It's at this point I notice my buxom childhood friend coming towards me. Refer to picture one.

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Comus

So, this girl, she's sexy, she has HUGE tits and she's most definitely my love interest in this game (I hope, check out the tits). So of course there was only one thing to name this sexy beast.






















*drools*

Hrm, I have an idea. I got those flowers from the fake prostitute, maybe I still might get a shag from this... Let me see what I can do.



Yeah, I errr, got them just for you >_>



That's waht I said! I swear that girl was such a con-artist! What girl you say? Err, nothing.

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Comus

So hey, I might want you to have the flower...



Well err, yeah about that. Nevermind. Just have the flower.



Why the hell would I want to give it to the little girl? She's not going to put out, and if she did that would just be wrong. I know the Japanese aren't the most moral people in the world but come on. Besides if I gave the flower to Marlene people might call her a whore.



Maybe later I can smell your flower if you catch my drift.



Hey now lady, that would just be sending out the totally wrong message. You clearly don't know about the "flower girls" I mean if you did that this place might turn into a brothel! Wait, why am I against this again?

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Comus

So it's been awhile since I've been all superior around these bit characters.



Ah that's better, also what the hell do you expect! Dressing like that, smelling like a mix of urine, sweat and bombed out reactor and whatnot. What's that you're eating?



I see, doesn't really answer the question. Also I don't care if she can cook, all I want is to get a shag so I can bugger off home. Hmm, actually wait. Big tits, cooks, owns a bar. I might have to marry this girls, if only she catches my many subtle hints.



Oh hey, tore and the rest of them have buggered off, leaving me and ethan alone. This might be a good time for said subtle hint.



You give it to me and I'll give it to you baby.

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