The Relationship Thread

[ribbons]

Originally Posted by goldendoodle

God some of you have such a black and white view on the matter. (I am looking at you elph.) Obviously it depends on the person. Don't write off an entire person because they have an abusive past. I have met countless people who are incredibly mature, self-aware, well-adjusted and empathetic who had horrific childhoods and/or an abusive ex-spouse or whatever. And plenty of people with idyllic childhoods who experienced no great misfortune/abuse yet are garbage, bitter, toxic people.
It depends on so many things. Obviously yes some young person in their early 20s with a string of abusive/vaguely-abusive exes may not yet have the self-awareness and emotional maturity (and therapy etc) needed to not keep falling into the same roles/dynamic and getting retraumatized and revictimized repeatedly, but that's partly to be expected because at that age you're still basically a baby.

Also!!! If one has actually BEEN in an abusive relationship, you'd know that the abusive person often seems totally charming and normal at first! They have to reel people in somehow, duh. They don't become unhinged right off the bat usually. And when you're young you aren't as good as listening to your intuition, especially if you have low self esteem already, which makes it even easier to be reeled in by those types despite alarms going off deep in your reptile brain.

Very well reasoned and expressed, and I absolutely agree. This is what happened to me with my ex-husband, who I met and married while quite young. The "reeling-in" you describe was very gradual; he came off extremely caring at first and I was inexperienced. I believe he saw my vulnerabilities (rooted in childhood) from a mile away.

[OccultHawk]

Originally Posted by elphenor

man's bitter

I'm not about to MGTOW or something though

women are great

Stop being bitter. Just because a woman has been abused doesn’t mean she’s gonna love you just because you don’t abuse her. Now I know you ain’t said that but when I read your original comment about “damaged goods” and then “man’s bitter” it’s not a good look man.

But I think you’re a good dude and you’d never be abusive. That’s why I want you to hear me on this one. Don’t be thinking you know what a woman is today because you know something about her yesterdays. You ought to trust me on this one.

[Marie Monday]

nobody's claiming you can mend someone, but people can mend themselves. come on.

[WWWP]

All the damsels, all the distress

Isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?

[The Batlord]

Originally Posted by Ninetales

you have 13,000 posts on a music forum

Hey...

[Lucem Ferre]

Originally Posted by elphenor

I wouldn't abuse nobody

but I've been supah naive about this

you're not gonna mend someone, man or woman

If you're getting into relationships to pretend to be a healer or a therapist you're just playing yourself AND them.

[OccultHawk]

Originally Posted by WWWP

All the damsels, all the distress

Isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?

People can help other people heal though.

[Lucem Ferre]

Originally Posted by OccultHawk

People can help other people heal though.

Key word is HELP.

But if you're getting into a romantic relationship treating it like a therapeutic relationship you're not only dooming the romantic relationship but you're probably doing more harm than help to both parties.

[Marie Monday]

Originally Posted by WWWP

All the damsels, all the distress

Isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?

yiiikes my scary ex-stepdad used to play this game with me when I was young where he pretended I was a kitten in need of rescue when I climbed into the tree in the garden

Originally Posted by The Batlord

Hey...

weird flex, but ok

Originally Posted by OccultHawk

People can help other people heal though.

true. claiming to do the healing is toxic and narcissistic though
edit: what Lucem said

[OccultHawk]

Originally Posted by Lucem Ferre

If you're getting into relationships to pretend to be a healer or a therapist you're just playing yourself AND them.

Of course you don’t get into a relationship for such a role but after you fall in love together you can certainly help each other overcome trauma.