The Relationship Thread

[jwb]

Imo it's just more insecurity to be uncomfortable hearing about exes.

[WWWP]

Originally Posted by jwb

didn't you suggest she was still in love with the ex or something

Tbh I smell trouble there but that's just me

That's why I hate monogamy. If you stop caring who else your partner ****s with then you can view it as either they choose to keep seeing you or they don't. Then you truly don't have to worry about the ex at all.

Nah, there's nothing like that. We are non-monogamous, and I don't care about future **** partners but this had me questioning her judgement in like, every way lol. Sometimes I just have kneejerk reactions to things that are rooted in my own insecurities, and after being in a monogamous relationship the past 7 years I'm still learning and working on those things. Like I said, lizard brain **** that I acknowledge as lizard brained. I can't fault myself for having those thoughts but I can step away and see them for what they are and then respond to them in a way that is calm and mindful and healthy rather than emotionally and egotistically.

@ Chio, I am also very wary of people who always surrounded by crazies and assholes. That's not what's happening here, fortunately. She has a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship, often beginning the next before ending the first, so like I see the flags for sure, and that's why I don't want to be in a "relationship" with her, and why she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone until she's spent time being comfortable alone. I support it.

[jwb]

Originally Posted by WWWP

Nah, there's nothing like that. We are non-monogamous, and I don't care about future **** partners but this had me questioning her judgement in like, every way lol.

Sometimes I just have kneejerk reactions to things that are rooted in my own insecurities, and after being in a monogamous relationship the past 7 years I'm still learning and working on that.

@ Chio, I am also very wary of people who always surrounded by crazies and assholes. That's not what's happening here, fortunately. She has a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship, often beginning the next before ending the first, so like I see the flags for sure, and that's why I don't want to be in a "relationship" with her, and why she doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone u ntil she's spent time being comfortable alone. I support it.

I thought when you said broad broke your heart it had something to do with her not being over the ex

Anyway, old habits die hard and if you are accustomed to monogamy that's a hard mind set to break.

I still think the questioning of her judgement is more rooted in jealously than anything else. "She wanted a relationship with that but not me?" = You seeking validation through her. I can completely relate to that feeling which is why I'm saying that.

[WWWP]

Originally Posted by jwb

I thought when you said broad broke your heart it had something to do with her not being over the ex

Anyway, old habits die hard and if you are accustomed to monogamy that's a hard mind set to break.

I still think the questioning of her judgement is more rooted in jealously than anything else. "She wanted a relationship with that but not me?" = You seeking validation through her. I can completely relate to that feeling which is why I'm saying that.

Different broad lol. Yeah I hear you, I just wanted to be clear that i came to that conclusion as well and am working past it rather than dwelling in it.

[jwb]

Best of luck to you. This **** ain't meant to be easy.

[OccultHawk]

Originally Posted by goldendoodle

@Hawk: Sure, if you view it that way. It's not about discussing the PERSON so much as, like, pointing out relationships that contributed to some current neurotic habit/fear or paranoia/whatever you may deal with. (Like for instance I still get SUPER NERVOUS and fearful when a very loud rowdy drunk near me is binge drinking beer or something, because both the smell and the sound of the person crashing around viscerally brings up memories of an alcoholic ex I had who became somewhat physically aggressive when with me in private while drunk. So I've had to explain that before after being asked why I suddenly froze and disassociated when the aforementioned type of person entered a small bar we were in)
It's completely reasonable.

That’s different than doing a full archeological dig looking for patterns.

Imo it's just more insecurity to be uncomfortable hearing about exes.

Nah. It’s insecure to be all wantin to know. One way or the other everybody is going to leave you. Or you them. If there’s a good story then fine but doing a background check is nowhere. So is turning in your relationship resume.

[jwb]

It's a false dichotomy to say that either you're uncomfortable hearing about it or "all wanting to know."
Your discomfort is insecurity based on your possessive conception of your relationship to that person and the inherent threat posed by hearing about the competition. Imo.

[OccultHawk]

Suck my ding dong Freud.

[Lucem Ferre]

Now that's what I call a Freudian slip.

[Marie Monday]

Originally Posted by elphenor

I don't know if this is ****ty to say but if a woman says she's had abusive partners...Damaged Goods

very likely if you're kind to them they will not want that anyway

all of love and romance is a sham, but it's convenient to have one steady partner I suppose

I think that's way too harsh a judgement. I agree that people who have lots of abusive partners are generally damaged, either to begin with (childhood trauma) or because of those relaionships, but that doesn't mean they can't be wonderful people, or make great partners. We're all damaged in some way and have our user manuals, (some more complicated than others) but not necessarily in a harmful way. Some people turn the trauma around too. And they might be in a process of healing and be ready to have kind partners; breaking the cycle of abuse is possible, but not if no one gives you a chance.

@WWWP I do think the 'I'm not ready for a relationship because of my abusive ex' is a red flag, but I can't judge, like Charles said. Just be careful, even if you're not calling it a relationship or if you're comfortable with not being monogamous. Sounds like you're being sensible enough about it though.