Dear Batlord, ...
 

Come to me with your pathetic need for life advice.

I want residuals.

Dear Batlord,

What do I do if I'm lonely but also don't want to spend time with people?

Thanks,
Lonely But I Hate People

The obvious answer is to join an internet forum, but **** you, as that is clearly an answer merely to stave off the demons for another day or another week. How do you seek human interaction while not spending time with people you don't want to spend time with?

The answer is obvious. Volunteer. Spend time at soup kitchens or some such. Spend your time helping a fellow man who will value your time simply because you are offering it in a way that anyone who isn't in desperate need of it will not. But always remember your phone. If the bums think that you are truly "available" to them then they will value your time less. But if you make sure to always check your Facebook or Instagram account they will know that while you value them as people you do not necessarily consider them as the most valuable person at any given moment, and so they will know to step up or step off.

In this way you will gain valuable human interaction while never letting anyone take you for granted. Bums can't take anyone for granted. Not even their family.

I want lightsaber duals but we can't all get what we want.

Dear Batlord,

Do you want fries with that?

Sincerely,
Mord

Dear Batlord,

why would anyone want life advice from someone like you?

Sincerely,
A concerned citizen

Why are you so fascinated with racist and nazi **** when your own personal views are in complete opposition of them?

I want fries with everything including fries and including funerals.

Here's some advice: here in America we capitalize all letters at the beginnings of sentences.

Some people just want to watch the Jews burn.

Capitalization after a comma?
You monsters.

I've never heard of your thing and it's apparently pretty hard to Google "capitalization in a letter" for an obvious criteria.

A criteria?

Well there aren't multiple criterions.

Of course not. We're all tribalist *******s.

That's not Hitler. That's a cute anime girl. I'm a pedophile not a Nazi.

When one feels no affinity for fascism then flirting with fascist iconography holds no terror unless one is scared that the world will call you a fascist. I do not care.

I do kinda miss my Ke$ha sig tbh.

wut

This response is completely avoiding the question.

I know that you're not racist, I know that you don't hate jews, you've consistently scolded people that you thought were bigoted in any way. Unless you've just been doing that to troll this whole time.

Yet you still have this strange fascination, almost obsession, with Nazism. I think you may have said something about being fascinated by disturbed or ****ed up people in general, but you're absolutely much more interested in Hitler and Nazi imagery than you are with anything else. I don't see you showing the same interest in Peter Scully and that guy was completely ****ed up.

Hitler ist funny.

It's the mustache.

Dear Batlord,
I have two urgent questions:
1. How can you tell if a girl likes you?
2. How to stop the government from turning the frogs gay?
Sincerely,
a confused girl

Dear Batlord,

As an Irish American can I call getting my ass ate a potato salad toss?

And is it wrong or insensitive of me to call metrosexuals fruit flies?

Shut up, you slut! On your knees, open your mouth, and tell me I'm beautiful!

You never answered Marie.

The answer to both is: these things do not happen because the genetics make it impossible.

That's actually pretty accurate. My socially inept genetics make it impossible for me to know if girls like me. Turns out she does though :D

Pics or it didn't happen. I'd love some shots of you two playing skeeball or Street Fighter 2 or something.

^ Good for you, Marie! "You go, girl! Knock 'em dead!" is what people say in these circumstances, and I'm genuinely pleased to hear that you've made a conquest :thumb: :clap:
__________________________________________________ _________________________________

Dear Batlord,

Any chance of you modifying your new signature in the next few days? If its intention is to attract attention, then it does it too well, imo. I'll even promise to listen to the Charles Bloody Mingus album if you'll tone down the lettering a little!

Yours,
a distracted and dazzled lisna

Why would I care about you listening to a Charles Mingus album?

Dear Dorklord,

Please come to Chicago so we can play a round of disc golf. Also, it's been a while since I've gotten any slob on my knob, so this is not a ploy to get you drunk so you can go down on me.

Signed,

ItsNotGayIfYouWearLipstick

Batty waited so long with replying that by now me and that girl have been in a relationship for some months lol.

^ Well, that's even better news ! Hope all goes well. :)

^ I thought you were recommending a CM album, but I see now that I prob got it wrong. Sorry. :o:

You've...you've never heard Mingus?

Check em. The Clown is my favourite but this is a better place to start.

It's an enthusiastic comparative mathematical equation.

The alligators eat Bring Me the Horizon because it's bigger, leaving only Mingus. I'm down.

See this is why the concept of treating bands as if they are single entities grammatically is stupid.

Band = 1

Anyways I thought it was just because Bring Me the Horizon has more letters.

Yes, I've heard of Mingus and I absolutely love how this track starts:-



I'm not so familiar with his other stuff, and thought that Bring Me The Horizon was a Mingus album.

^ Thanks for putting me right on a joke that I screwed up. :shycouch:

*walks up to maître d'*

"I'll be dining with Bring Me the Horizon tonight, has it arrived?"

"Yes, it's right over there."